Latest / The Difficult Boss Podcast with Fexingo: Managing Up, Toxic Managers, and Workplace Survival / How to Manage a Boss Who Plays Favorites
Transcript
- Lucas: You ever work for a boss who clearly has a favorite? The golden employee who gets the best projects, the flexible schedule, the public praise — while everyone else is just kind of… there? Luna: Oh, absolutely. I think most of us have. And it's one of those things that's hard to call out because it's not always overt. It's a vibe, you know? Lucas: Exactly. It's subtle. And that's what makes it so corrosive. Today we're going to look at a specific case from a mid-size marketing agency in Chicago. About thirty people on the team. The boss — let's call her Diane — had two clear favorites. Luna: Two? That's almost worse. Like a mini inner circle. Lucas: Right. And what happened is, these two got first crack at every new client pitch, they got to work from home three days a week when the rest of the team had to be in the office four days, and Diane would publicly praise them in all-staff meetings. The rest of the team started to feel like second-class citizens. Luna: So what's the psychology here? Why do bosses do this? I mean, it's obviously bad for morale and performance. Lucas: Research on this is pretty clear. A lot of it comes down to the boss's own insecurity. They gravitate toward people who make them feel competent or who are loyal — sometimes sycophantic. It's easier than managing a diverse team with different styles. Diane's favorites were also the ones who never challenged her. Luna: So it's a shortcut. Instead of building a high-performing team, you just rely on your safe bets. Lucas: Exactly. And the problem is, it creates a self-fulfilling prophecy. The non-favorites stop trying as hard because they see the rewards aren't tied to performance. So the favorites do look better by comparison. But the team's overall output suffers. Luna: In the Chicago agency case, what happened? Did anyone push back? Lucas: One of the senior account managers, a woman named Priya, started documenting everything. She kept a simple spreadsheet — date, project, who was assigned, who got credit. After three months, she had a pretty damning picture. It wasn't just perception. The numbers showed the two favorites got 60 percent of the high-visibility projects. Luna: That's smart. Data is harder to dismiss than feelings. Did she take it to HR? Lucas: She did. And HR actually took it seriously. But here's the thing — Diane was a ten-year veteran at the agency. She had a lot of social capital. So HR didn't fire her. They had a coaching conversation. And for a few weeks things improved. Then it slowly crept back. Luna: That's so frustrating. So what do you do when the system isn't going to fix it? I think there's a counterintuitive strategy that's worth exploring. Lucas: I'm all ears. Luna: Instead of trying to compete for the boss's attention — which is a losing game — you redirect your energy to becoming indispensable to the favored person's projects. You make yourself valuable to them. Suddenly, you're in the room because the favorite wants you there. Lucas: That's really interesting. So you're not trying to beat them. You're aligning with them. That changes the dynamic from zero-sum to something more collaborative. Luna: Right. And it's not about being a pushover. It's strategic. The favorite gets more done with your help, they look good, and you get exposure to the high-profile work. Eventually, you build your own reputation outside the boss's favor system. Lucas: I think that works in some cultures. But what about a situation where favoritism is tied to something like gender or race? Then it's not just a personality thing — it's systemic. Luna: That's a different beast. And in that case, documentation is even more critical. You need to track patterns over time and consider a formal complaint or legal counsel. But I'd say for the more common, garden-variety favoritism, the alignment strategy is worth trying. Lucas: I want to talk about another tactic, too — building relationships outside the immediate team. If your boss's favoritism is limiting your opportunities internally, you can start building your network laterally. Get involved in cross-functional projects, volunteer for committees. That way, your reputation isn't solely dependent on Diane. Luna: Yes. And that's actually how Priya eventually left. She networked her way into a role at a client's company. She used the skills she'd built despite Diane, not because of her. Lucas: That's a great point. And it brings us to the question of when to leave. When does favoritism cross the line into constructive dismissal? If you're being systematically denied opportunities for growth, that's not just unfair — it's potentially illegal if it's based on a protected characteristic. Luna: But even if it's not illegal, it can still be toxic enough that your best move is to exit. I think the threshold is when the favoritism is so entrenched that no amount of good work or alignment will get you the recognition you deserve. Lucas: Right. And that's a personal call. But I'd say you should have a plan B before you confront the boss or go to HR. Update your resume, start networking, maybe even talk to a recruiter. That way, you're operating from a position of strength. Luna: And let's be honest — sometimes the boss's favorite isn't even happy. They're under pressure to keep performing, they can't show weakness, and they might be isolated from the rest of the team. It's not always a picnic for them either. Lucas: That's a really empathetic take. And it's true. The system hurts almost everyone in it. The favorites can become targets of resentment, and the boss loses the trust of the team. Luna: So what's the one piece of advice you'd give to someone who's dealing with a boss who plays favorites right now? Lucas: I'd say: don't internalize it. It's not about your worth. It's about your boss's weaknesses. And then, pick one strategy — documentation, alignment, lateral networking — and commit to it for three months. See what shifts. Luna: That's solid. And I'd add: don't suffer in silence. Talk to a trusted mentor or a peer outside your team. Just having someone validate your experience can make a huge difference. Lucas: Absolutely. And speaking of support — I want to be real with our listeners for a second. One of the reasons we can keep this show ad-free and honest is that a small group of you chip in monthly on buy me a coffee dot com slash fexingo. It's not a big ask, but it genuinely helps us keep doing episodes like this one. Luna: Yeah, it's true. We don't have sponsors telling us what to say, so we get to have these real conversations. If this podcast has helped you navigate a tough work situation, that's the whole point. And if you ever want to support, we appreciate it. No pressure at all. Lucas: Okay, back to the topic. So we've talked about what to do when you're on the outside of favoritism. But what if you're the boss? How do you avoid falling into this trap? Luna: That's a great question. I think the first step is self-awareness. Check your own biases. Are you favoring people who remind you of yourself? People who say yes to everything? Lucas: One practical tool is to rotate high-visibility assignments. Make sure everyone on your team gets a shot at the interesting work. Even if the favorite is objectively better, you can pair them with someone else to build skills across the team. Luna: And be transparent about how decisions are made. If a project goes to one person, explain why. That doesn't mean you have to justify every call, but a little communication goes a long way toward avoiding perceptions of favoritism. Lucas: I think that's the key — perception matters almost as much as reality. Even if you're not consciously favoring someone, if the team thinks you are, the damage is done. Luna: So to wrap up: if you're dealing with a boss who plays favorites, don't try to change them. Change your strategy. Document, align, network, or leave. And if you're the boss, check yourself. Lucas: Well said. And one last thought — the best teams I've seen are the ones where the leader deliberately spreads opportunity. It takes more effort, but the return in trust and performance is huge. Luna: Absolutely. Alright, that's all for this episode. Thanks for being here. Lucas: Yeah, thanks. Talk to you next time.