Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #715 When the Juggle Becomes a Struggle

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#715 When the Juggle Becomes a Struggle · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

• 0:03
  Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast. It's the podcast for the
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  Speaker 1: time poor parent who just wants answers.
• 0:10
  Speaker 2: Now, if you listened to this podcast episode and you're
• 0:12
  Speaker 2: doing fine, You've got enough money in the bank, the
• 0:15
  Speaker 2: interest rate hikes aren't bothering you, and Nora is the
• 0:18
  Speaker 2: increased cost of living. And you're doing fine, but you
• 0:20
  Speaker 2: know somebody who is doing it tough. Can I recommend
• 0:22
  Speaker 2: that you reach out to them and just say, hey,
• 0:24
  Speaker 2: I know that this is tricky. How can I help?
• 0:27
  Speaker 1: And now here's the stars of our show, my mum
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  Speaker 1: and dad.
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  Speaker 2: Hello, this is doctor Justin Coulson, the founder of Happy
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  Speaker 2: Families dot com dot you and Channel nine's parenting expert
• 0:36
  Speaker 2: for the hit primetime TV show Parental Guidance. Season two
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  Speaker 2: is getting closer. It's getting closer, Kylie. It's all I
• 0:45
  Speaker 2: can say. It's getting closer every single day. Can't wait
• 0:48
  Speaker 2: for this season to be on the TV. And every Tuesday,
• 0:51
  Speaker 2: we have a look at the questions that you've sent
• 0:53
  Speaker 2: to our inbox via podcasts at happyfamilies dot com dot you.
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  Speaker 2: That's podcasts with an s at happy Families dot Amy
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  Speaker 2: has jumped online and shot us an email which says
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  Speaker 2: how do I manage the juggle when returning to work
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  Speaker 2: as a mum with a two year old and a
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  Speaker 2: seven year old with high emotional needs? HARBIORI already works
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  Speaker 2: from seven till four point thirty and as a nurse,
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  Speaker 2: I work shifts all over the place, so the kids
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  Speaker 2: will be in out of school care and daycare a lot.
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  Speaker 2: I've got no idea how to work a routine in,
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  Speaker 2: but we can't afford not to have me back at work, Amy,
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  Speaker 2: I mean, you hear that, and just I kind of
• 1:32
  Speaker 2: go ouch, right, Because the cost of living is going up.
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  Speaker 2: Everybody's aware of it. It's getting harder and harder and
• 1:40
  Speaker 2: harder as the Reserve Bank continues to increase interest rates.
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  Speaker 2: And there's a whole economic argument around this that the
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  Speaker 2: people who can least afford it are the ones who
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  Speaker 2: are most impacted by it. There's so many other different
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  Speaker 2: ways that we could slow the economy down, but this
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  Speaker 2: is what they're doing, and this is what we're all
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  Speaker 2: all well, sorry, a huge portion of USANs by so
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  Speaker 2: Amy's in a hard place, Kylie, She's got to go
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  Speaker 2: back to work. And when I read something like this,
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  Speaker 2: I just think life's not fair, Like that it's really
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  Speaker 2: life is hard. You've got kids, you want to be
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  Speaker 2: with them, you want to be looking after them, and
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  Speaker 2: the economic reality of life means back to work.
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  Speaker 3: I want to tread really lightly with my next comments
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  Speaker 3: because I don't want anyone to see me as condoning
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  Speaker 3: or making a judgment call here at all. But any
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  Speaker 3: decision we make around what we choose to do with
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  Speaker 3: employment or stay at home requires sacrifice. So as a
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  Speaker 3: stay at home mum, the sacrifice that we chose was
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  Speaker 3: that you would carry the entire financial load, which at
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  Speaker 3: times felt impossible, impossible, overwhelming.
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  Speaker 2: I remember when I was I was studying full time
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  Speaker 2: across the week, I was working afternoons and evenings, and
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  Speaker 2: I was doing furniture removals on the weekend.
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  Speaker 3: At one point, you had three part time jobs in
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  Speaker 3: adition to full study full time, and I had three
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  Speaker 3: little ones at home. Yeah, and the enormity of that
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  Speaker 3: meant that we kind of were paupers.
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  Speaker 2: Oh, we were broke at like so broke. I remember
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  Speaker 2: I remember one time, do you remember this, This is
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  Speaker 2: a true story. We went to the park with some friends.
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  Speaker 2: I knew you were going to share this, and our
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  Speaker 2: baby girl was really upset, and we discovered that her
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  Speaker 2: mouth was full of like mouth ulces or saws. Something
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  Speaker 2: had happened on the inside of her mouth, and she
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  Speaker 2: was just screaming she's.
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  Speaker 3: Brain and getting irritable for days and we just couldn't
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  Speaker 3: work out what it was. And well, we're at the park.
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  Speaker 3: She obviously I was holding her differently in natural lighting,
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  Speaker 3: and she opened her mouth and I couldn't like I
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  Speaker 3: literally could see down her.
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  Speaker 2: Throat and it was just full of saws, hundreds.
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  Speaker 3: Of these little saws inside her mouth.
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  Speaker 2: And so we spoke to our friends and said, we've
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  Speaker 2: got to get some medical help. So they took our
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  Speaker 2: eldest child home to our place. Well, we went off
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  Speaker 2: to the doctor or the hospital or whatever. We had
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  Speaker 2: to go to the hospital.
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  Speaker 3: It was a long weekend.
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  Speaker 2: There was no one open, and so we gave the
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  Speaker 2: house keys and they went in.
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  Speaker 3: But I was mortified knowing what they were going to
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  Speaker 3: go home to, because they said, don't worry, just take
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  Speaker 3: as much time as you need, will cook Chanel some
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  Speaker 3: dinner and bathur. You just take what time you need.
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  Speaker 3: Just don't even think about us. And we got in
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  Speaker 3: the car left to go to the hospital. While I
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  Speaker 3: am obviously a huge anxiety around my little baby and
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  Speaker 3: what she's going through, all I could think about was
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  Speaker 3: the fact that they were going to open my fridge
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  Speaker 3: and my pantry and find nothing.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, I was like old mother Hubbard, like the cupboard
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  Speaker 2: was bear.
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  Speaker 3: And what blew me away was that we came home
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  Speaker 3: that afternoon and we had to buy medicine for Abby
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  Speaker 3: and you know, you know, spend hours at the hospital
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  Speaker 3: until they worked out it.
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  Speaker 2: Was I think we were going for like four or
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  Speaker 2: five hours.
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  Speaker 3: We got home, dinner had been cooked with food that
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  Speaker 3: definitely was not from my pantry, and Chanel had been
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  Speaker 3: bathed and she was ready for bed. And when I
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  Speaker 3: opened my cupboards after they left, they had actually done
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  Speaker 3: a full pantry restock. So what I'm sharing now is
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  Speaker 3: not a judgment at all. But each of us makes
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  Speaker 3: a decision and we have to decide and wigh up
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  Speaker 3: what sacrifice we're willing to live with.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, there's pain either way. If you go back to work,
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  Speaker 2: there's the pain of well, how do I do this?
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  Speaker 3: I'm leaving your children behind and knowing that their emotional
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  Speaker 3: needs you can't physically meet them all the time because
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  Speaker 3: you're not there.
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  Speaker 2: And then there's pain if you choose not to go
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  Speaker 2: to book, because like, how do you feed your family?
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  Speaker 2: It's such an unfair situation. And so I really love
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  Speaker 2: the way that you've shared that there's no judgment here.
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  Speaker 2: But I guess we're sharing this story unscripted and unintended
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  Speaker 2: as it may be, because I guess we've been there,
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  Speaker 2: we understand, and while we chose different to what you're choosing, Amy,
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  Speaker 2: we just want to emphasize there are many families who
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  Speaker 2: are doing it really tough right now, and we get it.
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  Speaker 2: We've been there. Who knows, maybe in the next few
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  Speaker 2: months we're going to be there again. Let's see what
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  Speaker 2: the RBA does. I mean, they're not they're not being
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  Speaker 2: nice to mortgage holders right now. And we happen to
• 6:23
  Speaker 2: have bought right when house prices were at their very
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  Speaker 2: highest when we moved to the coast. But I think
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  Speaker 2: we need to get a little bit practical here. Let's assume,
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  Speaker 2: as Amy has done, that we've got families who are
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  Speaker 2: being forced back into the workforce to meet those financial
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  Speaker 2: obligations as cost of living, rent, mortgages, fuel, food, everything
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  Speaker 2: is just going up and up and up and up.
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  Speaker 2: It's going to cost either way. I think we need
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  Speaker 2: to talk about the way through it. And the first
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  Speaker 2: thing that I want to emphasize Kyleie is that there's
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  Speaker 2: no magic pill. There's no easy fix here. It's going
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  Speaker 2: to hurt regardless what you do, and therefore we do
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  Speaker 2: the very best that we can with what we have.
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  Speaker 2: Amy says that she's got two kids two and seven
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  Speaker 2: that are high needs, high needs. So when I hear that,
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  Speaker 2: the very first thing that I go to in my
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  Speaker 2: mind is if I've got a high needs person, my
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  Speaker 2: job is not to fix them, but my job is
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  Speaker 2: to make sure that they feel seen, heard, and valued
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  Speaker 2: as much as possible. It means that I want to
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  Speaker 2: connect with them. It means that every chance that I get,
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  Speaker 2: I want to be engaging with them in a meaningful way.
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  Speaker 2: Whether they're two or seven, I want to hear them.
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  Speaker 2: I want to be in their world whenever I can,
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  Speaker 2: because obviously I can't be there all the time, and
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  Speaker 2: that means oodles of empathy and noodles of play and
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  Speaker 2: making the most of those moments. When you've got a
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  Speaker 2: crazy schedule, maybe you work out Okay, So this is
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  Speaker 2: this is what we can do in the mornings, except
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  Speaker 2: when mum's not here, in which case Dad's going to
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  Speaker 2: take care of her. If Dad's got to take off,
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  Speaker 2: maybe you can tag team, maybe not with your own parent,
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  Speaker 2: but with your parents the in laws bring the village
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  Speaker 2: in somehow. To me, the quality of the connection matters
• 8:02
  Speaker 2: most when we talk about research around resilience and kids
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  Speaker 2: doing well emotionally. One really strong caring adult in their
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  Speaker 2: life is all it takes. So if we can't be there,
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  Speaker 2: who are the other strong caring adults that we can
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  Speaker 2: bring into their world? And how can we make sure
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  Speaker 2: that their needs are being met.
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  Speaker 3: Maybe it's not a grandparent, Maybe it's a friend. Maybe
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  Speaker 3: it's you know, somebody else who's got children similar ages,
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  Speaker 3: who is in the sane boat, And maybe you know
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  Speaker 3: your rosters work out that you can kind of share
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  Speaker 3: the load a little bit. You have their kids, they
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  Speaker 3: have your kids.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, And that's with no disrespect to all the people
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  Speaker 2: who are doing out of school ours care. You'd much
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  Speaker 2: rather have them at their friend's house, playing in the
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  Speaker 2: backyard on the trampoline and hanging out than being stuck
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  Speaker 2: at school until you get to finally pick them up
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  Speaker 2: when your shift ends. Obviously, we do what we have to,
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  Speaker 2: and there are plenty of people who are using those
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  Speaker 2: services because they have to. But I really think there's
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  Speaker 2: value and being as creative as possible around this and
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  Speaker 2: building the community and finding ways that you can work
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  Speaker 2: with your children and their friends and their friends' parents
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  Speaker 2: to lighten the load and make it an adventure, make
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  Speaker 2: it exciting for the kids. The second thing that I'm
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  Speaker 2: thinking of to help Amy and people in that situation
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  Speaker 2: is Amy mentioned routine is really hard and.
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  Speaker 3: So well shift working. She's hours all changed at the time.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, I just I guess I want to get
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  Speaker 2: my highlighter out and put a big line through the
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  Speaker 2: word predictability, which is kind of unfair because again, with
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  Speaker 2: shift work and with what's going on in Amy's life,
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  Speaker 2: predictability is really hard to achieve. But to the extent
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  Speaker 2: that you can create a sense of predictability, I mean,
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  Speaker 2: Dad's shifts don't change, so what can happen in the
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  Speaker 2: morning or what can happen in the afternoon, so that
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  Speaker 2: that feels predictable.
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  Speaker 3: Well, even if the predictability is around how mum leaves
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  Speaker 3: the house when she goes on shift, obviously her ships
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  Speaker 3: are changing all the time. But if there's predictability around
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  Speaker 3: the movements that take place when she does that, and
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  Speaker 3: I mean it does Mum for the ten minutes before
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  Speaker 3: she leaves the house read a story to the children
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  Speaker 3: before she leaves, Do you know.
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  Speaker 2: What I mean?
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  Speaker 3: That's what I It might not necessarily be at the
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  Speaker 3: same time every day, but the reality is when Mum's
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  Speaker 3: going to leave, I know that we're going to sit
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  Speaker 3: down and have a cup of milk and read my
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  Speaker 3: favorite story. Yeah, before she leaves? Or is it that
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  Speaker 3: we jump on the trampoline for five minutes?
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  Speaker 2: They work. They're great ideas. I really like that. I'm
• 10:34
  Speaker 2: glad you added that.
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  Speaker 3: What's number three?
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  Speaker 2: So this is the last idea that I'm going to
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  Speaker 2: share here. I mean, we could talk about this for
• 10:39
  Speaker 2: a long long time, but the last idea that I
• 10:41
  Speaker 2: want to share is don't sweat it too much. Kids
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  Speaker 2: are extremely adaptable. They get it, they'll deal with it,
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  Speaker 2: and so long as you don't become overly anxious about it,
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  Speaker 2: so long as you don't turn it into a thing.
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  Speaker 3: I was about to say, like your anxiety level.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, they'll flow on. If you make thing, it'll
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  Speaker 2: become a thing. But if you just accept that this
• 11:03
  Speaker 2: is what we're doing now, and this is how it's
• 11:04
  Speaker 2: going to be, and and things like. I mean, I've
• 11:06
  Speaker 2: talked about this on the podcast so many times and
• 11:08
  Speaker 2: by blog articles and books, giving them in fan to
• 11:11
  Speaker 2: see what they can't have in reality. When they said,
• 11:12
  Speaker 2: but I don't want you to leave mummy, you can say,
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  Speaker 2: I know, sweetheart. Wouldn't it be awesome if there was
• 11:16
  Speaker 2: some beautiful magic that we could click our fingers and
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  Speaker 2: I could stay here forever and I could never ever
• 11:21
  Speaker 2: leave you even when you're eighty and I could still
• 11:23
  Speaker 2: and turn into something really big and turn it into
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  Speaker 2: a story and an adventure. Lots of empathy, but a
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  Speaker 2: clear limit. Don't you just wish? Wouldn't it be great?
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  Speaker 2: But I have to go, But let's make it really fun.
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  Speaker 2: Let's read that chapter. Let's jump on the trampoline, Let's
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  Speaker 2: walk to the end of the driveway and wave. Let's whatever
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  Speaker 2: the process is when Mum's heading off to work, create
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  Speaker 2: that and don't make a big deal about the fact
• 11:44
  Speaker 2: that this is what life is right now. It just is,
• 11:46
  Speaker 2: and therefore, because it is, it is.
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  Speaker 3: I remember when Emily started at Kendy for the very
• 11:54
  Speaker 3: first time, and we had to say goodbye, and there
• 11:57
  Speaker 3: was a little book. I don't remember the book. I
• 12:00
  Speaker 3: obviously didn't wasn't there to read it, but they shared
• 12:02
  Speaker 3: it with the kids and they got all the parents
• 12:04
  Speaker 3: to give the kids a kiss on the inside of
• 12:06
  Speaker 3: their hands, and then they closed up their hands as
• 12:09
  Speaker 3: we left, and then the book obviously talked to them
• 12:12
  Speaker 3: about the fact that they had mummies kissed with them
• 12:13
  Speaker 3: wherever they went. And I just remember Emily coming home
• 12:19
  Speaker 3: and showing me her hand at the end of the
• 12:21
  Speaker 3: day and telling me that she'd carried my kiss with
• 12:23
  Speaker 3: her everywhere she went. And so as you were talking,
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  Speaker 3: I was just thinking about these little kids and how
• 12:29
  Speaker 3: you know their need for predictability and routine and structure it.
• 12:32
  Speaker 3: And maybe it's a little soft toy or a blankie
• 12:36
  Speaker 3: or something that they only get when mum leaves so
• 12:40
  Speaker 3: they have a piece of Mum. Maybe it's you know,
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  Speaker 3: if she's super creative, she might make something out of
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  Speaker 3: an old T shirt or something that so it smells
• 12:46
  Speaker 3: like her. Just something little that they know they only
• 12:49
  Speaker 3: get when mum's not there, just to feel like they're
• 12:52
  Speaker 3: close to her.
• 12:53
  Speaker 2: We really hope that this has been useful. One last tip.
• 12:56
  Speaker 2: If you've listened to this podcast episode and you're doing fine,
• 12:59
  Speaker 2: You've got enough money in the bank, the interest rate
• 13:01
  Speaker 2: hikes aren't bothering you, and Nora is the increased cost
• 13:04
  Speaker 2: of living. And you're doing fine, But you know somebody
• 13:06
  Speaker 2: who is doing it tough. Maybe Mum has to go
• 13:09
  Speaker 2: back to work in addition to dad. Can I recommend
• 13:11
  Speaker 2: that you reach out to them and just say, hey,
• 13:13
  Speaker 2: I know that this is tricky. How can I can
• 13:16
  Speaker 2: I help with pickups? Can I help with the babysitting?
• 13:18
  Speaker 2: Can I help with the mornings? Can I do something
• 13:19
  Speaker 2: to be involved in your life, even if it's just
• 13:21
  Speaker 2: one morning a week or one afternoon a week. What
• 13:23
  Speaker 2: can I do to help? Because I care about you.
• 13:27
  Speaker 2: I just think about that family, that couple who helped
• 13:30
  Speaker 2: us that time, and I don't think we'll ever forget
• 13:32
  Speaker 2: their kindness. It was just a grocery shop and they
• 13:36
  Speaker 2: were doing very very well financially, so for them, a
• 13:39
  Speaker 2: couple of hundred bucks on groceries and probably nothing, But
• 13:42
  Speaker 2: for us, I mean it's still the beauty of that
• 13:47
  Speaker 2: gift is incalculable. It still moves me today, So maybe
• 13:52
  Speaker 2: there's a way that you can help as well. Baby
• 13:54
  Speaker 2: Family's podcast is produced by Justin Rowland from Bridge Media.
• 13:56
  Speaker 2: Craig Bruce is our executive producer. For more information about
• 14:00
  Speaker 2: how you can make your family happier, email us podcasts
• 14:03
  Speaker 2: at happy families dot com dot AU or check out
• 14:07
  Speaker 2: happy families dot com dot a u