Latest / ZoukNerds • Learn | Build | Belong / Are You Dancing for Validation or for Joy? (S05 Ep64)

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Are You Dancing for Validation or for Joy? (S05 Ep64) · ZoukNerds • Learn | Build | Belong

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I don't want to dance because of the obligation.
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I want to dance because I want to be connect with myself, with
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the person in front of me, and honor that.
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Are we doing what we really feel like doing?
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What makes us happy? The expectation sometimes
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actually brings into our experience exactly what we fear
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the most. You know, I think we're really
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free when we don't care anymore about looking back.
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They just see me as a teacher and not see me as a human being.
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Are you struggling with social dancing duties and expectations?
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Why is it so hard to just be yourself on the dance floor?
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We're talking about the pressure to be on, the frustration of
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feeling judged, and the anxiety of saying no.
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How can we all be more human and less judgmental on the dance
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floor? Well, let's find out.
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Hello, hello everyone, and welcome back to Zook Nerds.
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In this episode, we are diving into the emotional side of
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social dancing, where the desire to be accepted often conflicts
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with our true feelings. We'll share our insights on why
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being vulnerable and authentic, rather than performing a certain
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role is the best path to a fulfilling social dancing life.
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It's a conversation about increasing self-awareness,
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honoring personal boundaries, and building a more supportive
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community. So let's go.
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Hello, Hello everybody, and welcome back to another episode.
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My name is Alison Sanji and let's welcome back once again
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our beautiful Co host, GI Prada. Hello, GI.
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Hello, Alison. Hello, my people.
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Welcome back. And once again, because third
2:00
time is always the charm, let's welcome back our beautiful
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guests, Paloma Alvis. Hello, Paloma.
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Hello guys. Hello people, Happy to be back.
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You always say it right, Paloma, and today we're going to go into
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another one of those topics that we should be talking more about
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in the community. Maybe not the easiest thing to
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talk about, but you know what? We're here for that.
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And it's the social dancing expectation.
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Or I could describe this in so many ways, Social dancing
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duties, social dancing etiquette, social dancing
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behaviours, what is right, what is wrong, what is good enough,
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what is not good enough. There's so many things that we
2:48
want to talk about. And this was actually inspired
2:51
by a great conversation that happened in our Facebook group,
2:55
Zook Nerds. So if you're not part of that
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Facebook group, please join us there and be part of the whole
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conversation with another 6000 Zook Nerds.
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So let's talk about the expectations in social dancing.
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Paloma, my dear, how is your social dancing experience
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nowadays? And how was your social dancing
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before teaching, after you started teaching and now?
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How is that going? OK, let me get my coffee.
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I'll get the tea because there is going to be some spilling
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here, yeah. I'll get the words.
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She needs to moisten, wetten the throats.
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It's a lot. Oh my God, so many things to
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say. And I think I would like to
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bring an idea that for me, I starts to talk more and more
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that one of my dreams is that we all go to a social dance and
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just understands that we are human beings, you know, and as
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human beings, we all will have different similar expectations
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and we will understand this environment in a different way.
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So I like to say that I become what become because of the
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pleasure to dance and a social dance, I really become addicted.
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So like, how can I dance more? How can I go to more events?
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Oh, I become a dance teacher. You know what I mean?
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Like long story, but I saw a little bit of the discussion,
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the comments on the Facebook and I saw people talking about the
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obligations of teachers and the expectations they have, right?
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I would say that when I'm going to a social dance nowadays and
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before I was feeling the pressure of dancing with the
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students, right? But and then my way to coming
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back to, I don't want to dance because of the obligation.
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I want to dance because I want to be connect with myself,
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connect with the person in front of me and honor that.
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So I don't like the idea that I'm going to dance and I see
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this person in front me as a student and I'm a teacher.
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I actually I like to see myself as an another human being that
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want to have fun, that want to find the things that makes me
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like dance, you know, and to build a story together with this
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person. And I like to put aside, you
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know, this label. I'm a teacher and actually go as
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a person, you know, and I love when the person is in front of
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me and see me also as a human being and know, oh, I'm going to
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dance with Paloma always. And I don't know the idea they
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have about me, but I know that we cannot cancel that, right?
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So one of the issues or the problems that I had at the
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beginning of my dance journey is because, let's say my identity,
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I will see myself as a shy person, introverted.
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So I was not smiling so much. I was very perfectionist, so
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much more connect with the idea that I need to do this thing
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right. And by hearing people, I
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understand many of them thought that, oh, she didn't like dance
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with me. She didn't look at me at once.
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She didn't smiley, you know? And I was like, wow, Jesus.
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But I had such amazing dance, but I was more, you know, inside
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of my head. Slowly I understand more about
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and hear more about expectation of other people understand that
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sometimes they get nervous by then saying oh, with the
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teacher. So what was changing my behavior
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because I want to become a person that feels more
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comfortable with, I don't need to do things right, even that
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I'm a teacher. I actually can be more engaged
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with the connection that I want to build with this person.
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And then slowly I was looking more into the other person's
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eyes. I was smiling more.
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I was less focused in other things.
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You know that I start to understand that maybe
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compromise, but I also don't want to engage with the idea
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that I'm just there dancing to and thinking about what this
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person will think about me. I think these will already
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compromise the moment that we are building together.
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And I believe those expectations can have with the features with
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another student. My point is we can see more this
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experience as a sacred moment, you know, as an opportunity for
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us to go out of the judgement. Because even that I change and
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I'm like looking more into someone's eyes.
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Sometimes I don't receive that back.
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Sometimes the leader is looking around.
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Sometimes they are in their heads.
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And then if I assume that, oh, they are not paying attention on
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me or they are just using my body, these will compromise my
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experience with this person. So I like, yeah, what we have,
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that's what I'm offering right now for this person.
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And that person is offering what they can at this moment.
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And all of those things for me are the things that is slowly.
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It helped me to understand that sometimes we are asking for
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things that we are not even offering.
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So it's not because this person is not looking back at me that I
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would like so and then I would not look at them.
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This will affect my energy. This probably will affect the
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energy that I'm going to dance with other person.
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The expectation sometimes actually brings into our
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experience exactly what we fear the most because we are so
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engaged with the result that we expect.
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You know what I mean? I think I get a little bit more,
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let's say, be more clear about the phases and a short version
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of that. I had the moment in my dance
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journey. No one's want to dance with me
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and had this one guy and that was part of the team of the
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dance school that I was learning.
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And then he helps me so much. He was the only one that really
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invites me to dance. No one's was inviting me to
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dance. And then I started to dance more
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with people, but it still had so many moments that I was like
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sitting there waiting. I was upset.
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I was like, oh, I'm still not good enough or people really
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want to dance with me. Had moments that someone there's
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one song with me and say like nothing and go away, you know?
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But I would say that here I'm trying to get really there.
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Back in the days, I was, you know, so addicted that I was
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just waiting so much for the next dance.
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You know, I didn't remember being so much stuck on the phase
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of suffering because I was asking.
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And this is other things that nowadays I can hear people like,
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oh, but people doesn't ask me to dance.
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And then I asked them, did you ask them to dance?
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Oh, I'm afraid of their no, but and then I say like, OK, OK, so
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imagine that you already have the no and then you go for the
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yes. And sometimes we even can start
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the yes with a conversation with someone that is also waiting for
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the dance. Anyway, back to the story.
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And then for three years I was studying and then I start my
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dance partnership and then everything starts very quickly.
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I was on, let's say, on the game and my social dance was a huge
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lab for me to training my dance. So I was dancing with everyone
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because I wanted to get to know my capacity to adapt, you know.
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So I was not using so much to dance just with teachers at this
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moment, but actually dancing with everyone.
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I also back in the day, I understand how much students
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wants to dance with the teachers.
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So I understand that. It was also part of what I'm
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doing is that if I'm here teaching these people, I really
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wanted to connect with them to understand what I can bring for
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them at the class. So I use social dance as a lab.
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I use social dance because source of pleasure for sure,
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addicted and still addicted. I use dancing for source to get
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inspired by the things that I wanted to teach.
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So I was using social dance for so many reasons.
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You know, I even say that because my career starts so
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quickly back in the days that we didn't stop much to train our
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social dance. I remember that we stopped more
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to train performance but not to create new movements.
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We was building all of the things that we are teaching on
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our social dance, both me and Max and Spartan William.
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So, yeah. And nowadays I would not say
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that this change so much, but I can tell that people are talking
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more and that's a good point. I believe that we are bringing
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more. Let's say things like, oh, it's
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wrong if someone dance one hour, 2 hours and then don't dance
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with others. It's wrong if a teacher dance
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one hour and then yes, if I'm going to an event and I.
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That's my opinion guys. OK, that's my opinion, Freedom
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to say I will probably not dance a social like with 2-3 people
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the whole night, right? Like because I understand that,
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yes, how it's my participation in this environment, how I
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wanted to nourish it. And when I say how I want to
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nourish is not in the professional side of this idea,
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but as like I love the community.
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I love that this community exists and that I can do the
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things that I do, not just teaching, but I have the
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opportunity to dance with different people.
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So I believe that it's part of, let's say, I would not say
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responsibility, but I would say more like as a human being, if I
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want to be part of a group, how is the part of I really like
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engage with the idea how I affect this group, right.
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So and then when I see that has many followers and more than
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leaders, I go and need to I feel like, oh, let me you know, help
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the balance here or yes, I would love to have like I start to
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dance with someone. I felt the connection and like
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after 5 songs are like boom, it's still going.
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The music is amazing. And then I dance, imagining one
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hour with this person. After this moment, I really feel
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nourishing to go and dance with more people.
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It feels like I gained and I wanted to share, you know, but I
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don't like to be there dancing with someone and imagining, Oh
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my gosh, it's wrong. I should stop.
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I should stop, I should stop. This already took me out of the
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presence, you know, So it's so big.
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I want to say so many things, guys, about that.
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But for me, it really matters to me when I know it's such a
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natural thing about being a human being that we judge, we
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go, we watch, we see things. And we wanted to understand all
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this is wrong. Guard the teachers, just dancing
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with them or I don't know this person.
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Of course they would not be invited if they are like this.
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We don't know what's happening with someone, if they are sad,
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if they are tired, so many things, you know what I mean?
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Like I heard someone said, oh, they dance just two songs with
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me and then they left course I would not ask them again to
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dance. And then I get stuck in my head,
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Oh my gosh, I cannot dance just songs with someone because
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they're going to think that I didn't like.
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But sometimes the song change, sometimes I already have been
15:32
dance for a while and then I want to go to the bathroom and
15:35
then we needed to start to just giving explanations for
15:39
everyone. I'm stopping now because I
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really need. I don't know, I get extra.
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Yeah. No, it's very true.
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That's why I said at the beginning, we're going to spill
15:49
some teas here because it is something that is a social
15:53
dancing frustration that at first we're talking about from a
15:57
teacher's point of view. But I think the real focus here
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is to talk about social dancing as an experience for everybody
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because I, I don't think that only teachers have those
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anxieties of how to behave and what to do and what not to do.
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Guy spoke about this student a couple of episodes ago who came
16:18
to him and said, hey, I noticed that people are doing this in
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the social. Is that normal?
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Should I do that too? I noticed that people do this in
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the social Is that what I'm supposed to do as well?
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Should I do that too? And it's the social anxiety by
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copying, watching and doing what other people do.
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But then are we doing what we really feel like doing?
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Are we really doing what makes us happy?
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Are we allowing ourselves to be ourselves in that moment, or are
16:52
we putting ourselves into, I am the dancer person right now and
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I behave a certain way. I speak a certain way and I move
17:01
a certain way. That's a problem that I've said
17:03
this a million times. For about 10 years of my
17:06
professional life, I was completely disconnected from the
17:08
person and from the emotions. And don't do that, please.
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You know, don't do that. That's not what I would
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recommend or encourage anybody in the community.
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And if I ever see that with the people around me, I will make
17:23
sure to go and have a conversation with them and ask
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them, you know, how is their experience going and reassure
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them that just being themselves is actually the best path.
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Of course, disclaimer, there are certain behaviors and things in
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the community that we don't welcome.
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So in that case, I don't welcome.
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But I'm talking about behaviors that are not unpleasant or
17:50
crossing anybody's boundaries. I.
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Think it's this alignment, right, of understanding our
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needs and feelings and boundaries and the nurturing of
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the community, which is something really important
18:05
because during the pandemic, I think a lot of people realize
18:08
that they have in their pods that they're happy in the pods.
18:13
I have these eight people here. They're amazing.
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Dances are real life to dance with them.
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And I can't just stay with these eight people, you know, so they
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realize, like, this is enough for me when we go back into the
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wild and the wild. To the jungle.
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To the jungle, to the dance world.
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I think we do have a role in sort of preserving the culture
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in the sense of preserving partneredness, preserving
18:40
socialness. And I do think we have a
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responsibility and responsibility not in the and
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again, like comparing and inspiration, I think the word
18:51
responsibility carry a heavy negative connotation.
18:55
It can carry that connotation. And it's like something that you
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have to do. It's an obligation, a
19:00
responsibility. It's almost like an obligation.
19:02
And I think the responsibility come as a participant of the
19:06
community, the mere fact that we are there and with this with 5-6
19:12
people, we are participating in the upkeep and the growth of the
19:17
community. So it is important, I think,
19:20
that we do that. We see this with, for example,
19:22
with languages that are dying, with other art forms that are
19:25
dying. There are these people that miss
19:28
these dances. They miss this language and they
19:30
wanted to preserve it. So they feel responsibility to
19:33
keep going by simply speaking the language or dancing the
19:36
dance, you know. And for us, we are not at risk
19:41
of having the dance die, but we are all seeking for the dance to
19:45
grow. We are all seeking for the
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numbers to increase of dancers. To welcome new dancers.
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Welcome new. Dancers, so it's last
19:53
responsibility on the shoulders of fewer people in the sense of
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who is spearheads the growth of the community, you know, as
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social dancer and a social dancer that was first hardcore
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just a social dancer, then became a teacher.
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I do feel the obligation. Nothing creeping in from time to
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time. The thing is, I was able to have
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two modes, teacher mode and social dance mode.
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After I take the shower and then go to the social if my battery
20:26
is full, and that's important. And if the battery is full,
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social dance mode, because I don't know if that happened to
20:32
you, but it happens to me and probably to you, Allison, after.
20:36
Sometimes when there's people in the social, they ask to have any
20:38
feedback from me. Yeah.
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Do you have any feedback from me?
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And I always say, no, I'm in dance mode now.
20:46
I'm not in assessment mode. And then sometimes that person,
20:51
I get a request for a private from somebody I dance with in
20:54
the social. And then the person says, oh,
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you danced with me yesterday. So you have an idea.
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And like, no, I don't. I need to dance with you again
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with teacher mode engaged. Because when I'm in social
21:05
dancing mode, I'm not making judgement calls of a technique.
21:10
I am enjoying life. It's a very interesting thing.
21:13
I mean talking very personally about how I operate in this
21:17
sense. But I have a question where I
21:19
am, because we have travelled and have been to socials in
21:23
which by the end of this social I saw you very frustrating and
21:27
very sad. There are a couple of socials
21:31
there. We find Papa sitting on the
21:33
bench. Like not always, no, not always.
21:37
I said a couple. It was literally probably a
21:40
couple, like 2 of them in all the trips that we did, maybe one
21:44
or two that I saw that frustration and I felt that
21:47
frustration. True, true that we remember,
21:50
yes, we shall not be named, but we felt that frustration very
21:54
deeply. So what happened in those
21:57
socials that made you come out of the piece or made you come
22:02
out of the social dense vibe that caused all that
22:06
frustration, which I think it's something that for the follower
22:10
teachers happen more often than for the leader teachers, you
22:13
know? So tell us a little bit about
22:16
deaths. OK, I would say that one of them
22:21
probably was more this feeling of, and I'll put myself very
22:26
vulnerable right now that of course I also have the capacity
22:30
to have judgements too. So and then the person maybe
22:35
comes with the excitement to dance with me as a teacher and
22:40
like check the movements that they learn, you know, these 15
22:44
movements, I don't know, and try them all at once in one dance.
22:48
Probably my expectation or my need is like, hey, let's start
22:54
the conversation, you know, first.
22:57
Hi, how are you? What's your name?
22:59
When I'm say conversation, I'm saying movement wise.
23:03
So I was missing a lot building the dance with this person.
23:08
And instead of feeling the build up dance, I was feeling more
23:13
like the excitement of doing the movements with me.
23:17
So as a follower, like I believe that we put us vulnerable to
23:24
follow the story of someone that is leading right.
23:29
So sometimes I feel that I have a space to talk and there's a
23:34
story and sometimes I feel very restrict on the trip of this
23:38
person is going. So it happens in this one social
23:44
that I felt a lot more this than really being connect with the
23:49
person and I think has another one that is when is this side of
23:54
being tired. We wanted to dance with people.
23:58
We really want, you know, especially like if it's a social
24:03
that we teach during the day and then we go dancing, you know,
24:07
and we really want, I feel this like, yeah, I want to dance with
24:11
them, especially when it's like just for the students, you know?
24:16
And then I need to really check with myself and mind boundaries
24:20
and sometimes even say to people like, hey, I'm feeling tired.
24:24
I have this pain and I think it is a combination.
24:28
So I'm saying that because nowadays I'm also checking with
24:32
myself because if I'm in pain with my body, I can't perceive
24:36
things or I can't perceive the way someone is dancing with me
24:39
in a different way as well. So I'm saying this because we
24:45
all need to check our needs, as you said, and our boundaries,
24:50
you know. So I remember also being in a
24:52
social that I told the person like, hey, I have this pain in
24:56
my back. No, no, no.
24:58
And then we start to dance and it was OK.
25:01
And then at some point someone starting to record and.
25:06
Yeah, and everything went down. And then everything went down
25:10
South and I felt like I felt very hurt on my body, very hurt
25:15
on the boundaries. But at this point, that's again
25:19
vulnerable to say I didn't felt that I'm able to stop that dance
25:23
and to say like, hey, because someone was recording, because I
25:27
saw this person was excited to do the movements with me as a
25:31
teacher. I don't want them to see me off.
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She don't want to dance or she's far away.
25:38
She built a distance. And then I really like to
25:41
remember that I'm human being at this point that I communicated
25:45
something. And again, yeah, I really don't
25:49
want someone dancing with me because I'm a teacher.
25:52
I really want someone dance with me because they want to build.
25:55
And can I just add something here for everybody who's
25:59
listening? I think it's very important to
26:01
ask somebody before you start recording a dance.
26:06
Sometimes we don't feel like being recorded.
26:09
Sometimes you don't feel like being recorded.
26:13
We're all humans. So instead of asking somebody
26:16
for a dance and then immediately asking a friend, like, hey, hey,
26:21
can you record? Just last weekend this happened
26:25
and I feel like, hi, I'm 50% of the people in that video.
26:31
Does it matter? Does it matter if I want to be
26:34
recorded regardless of being a teacher?
26:37
You could just be dancing with another person in a festival
26:40
that you just met and you were excited to dance with.
26:43
I think we should all make sure that it becomes the normal thing
26:48
to actually ask the other person.
26:50
Hey, I would love to record our dance.
26:52
Is that OK with you? Look at that point, maybe I'm so
26:56
sweaty, my hairs all over the place and I'll go like, hey, can
26:59
we do it later tonight? I'll change AT shirt.
27:01
I'll kind of do my hair up a little bit so I feel a little
27:04
bit better about myself because right now I'm a mess.
27:07
Or we might just go like, yeah, sure, no problem.
27:10
You know, whatever I think we need to ask.
27:12
That's it. Continue, please.
27:14
Now there are two things I wanted to mention.
27:16
One is something that I heard in a train that I didn't want.
27:20
It was like Revelations. We are mini making machines.
27:24
That was like the first thing, like our ability to create
27:27
meaning in everything that happens is uncanny.
27:32
And the second thing is we do everything in our power to look
27:37
good and avoid looking bad. And in that sense the role that
27:43
we play sometimes overcomes the person that we are.
27:48
So the person that you are was in pain, but the role that he
27:51
plays of a teacher, the person in pain said stop the dance, but
27:56
the teacher said you're going to look bad.
27:58
Yeah. So that overcomes your
28:02
boundaries. That overcomes because of the
28:04
role that you play. So when somebody comes and says
28:07
that the teacher, it's not different than any other social
28:10
dancing, they are not taking into account the part of the
28:14
role that the teacher plays in how much the judgement that is
28:18
made over the attitudes of the teacher has much more impact in
28:22
that person's life. Because it's career, because
28:26
it's work and survival. And that then he has in someone
28:31
that doesn't depend on that to survive.
28:33
So it's a very different thing. And I've had this magical
28:38
experiences of going to places where people don't know that I'm
28:42
a teacher and then I am there. My experience is entirely,
28:48
completely different. And why?
28:52
Because of contrast, in that same circumstance, the same
28:57
events, the same social, people find out that I'm a teacher.
29:01
They find out that I'm a teacher.
29:03
There was one time in Brisbane I went to a social and I'm sitting
29:07
in the social and people are dancing and I realized that they
29:10
have no idea who I am. And it's really interesting
29:14
because I invite people to dance.
29:16
They dance with me. Two or three songs later, they
29:18
say thank you and they go and I sit for a while and then this
29:23
person comes dance with me. Oh, how are you?
29:26
What's your name? Oh, my name is GAIL.
29:28
I'm from Brazil and I say my full name, Gillian.
29:31
I'm from Brazil. Papapa.
29:33
And then the organizer gets the microphone.
29:36
We have a special guest tonight, guys here from Brazil visiting
29:41
us, that person over there and everybody like meerkats just
29:45
look and completely different experience.
29:48
Then after that you have no peace.
29:50
You have a whole. Life, I didn't stop this one
29:53
second and then sit down one second, but I wanted this to
29:56
people. It was a new community to me and
29:58
I'm always entrenched by new community and want to dance.
30:02
You know, I want to see how the dance that I learned in Brazil
30:04
traveled to Australia. I was done in Australia.
30:08
And then I had this other experience in Madrid.
30:10
I went to the Madrid comps and several people there didn't know
30:13
who I was. So I was in rotation taking
30:15
Shiny's class. I was in rotation.
30:18
High 5 change, high 5 change. Oh, what's the name for Papa?
30:21
And told these things. And then someone told someone
30:25
and pointed to me and the person looked and then cell phone and
30:29
showing stuff. And then my experience started
30:32
to change during the class. Wow.
30:36
So it's so fascinating the change and the amount of
30:40
attention that someone who teaches receives in the
30:43
socialist difference and how we behave changes as well.
30:48
So the role kicked in when I was in Brisbane.
30:51
I was the social dancer, I was in my, you know, oh, I want to
30:56
sit out, sit, you know, the moment that I was, somebody put
31:01
the Church of the road on me, Allah, goddamnit.
31:05
Now the role took over. I want to avoid looking bads and
31:09
I want to look good because, you know, because that's the human
31:13
programming. I think we're really free when
31:15
we don't care anymore about looking bads while respecting
31:19
people's boundaries, while respecting the community, while
31:23
respecting the group, which I think is important.
31:26
Aster Perel, in one of her interviews, she said she's very
31:29
fed up of this talk of self, self, self, self, because she
31:33
thinks we also need to go to the other.
31:36
By serving the other, you find peace and joy in the self, you
31:41
know. So I think it's a lot what we
31:43
do. We find this balance between the
31:45
self and the other. And when we are vested with the
31:48
role of the teacher, we are serving.
31:52
We are really serving. And even though sometimes we are
31:55
tired and everything, because the role we go to serve, you
32:00
know, and then the thing about when we vested in the role, how
32:04
different it is. People are counting how many
32:07
dance with who we dance. I had these crazy conversations
32:10
with people they knew I danced with in order.
32:16
Really. Wow.
32:18
And how many dance I had with each?
32:20
And they were like, oh, I really admire you because you danced
32:23
the same amount of songs with each person.
32:25
And I was like, were you counting?
32:27
Said maybe. There was somebody a Facebook
32:30
group who actually didn't mention names.
32:34
But. I suspect was talking about ghee
32:37
because this person was commenting on the thread about
32:42
should teachers be paid for social dancing and this leader
32:45
said that they would pay to not have ghee continuously dancing
32:52
with the best dancers in the social something.
32:56
Like that, Oh, I saw that, which is like a flat on lie because
33:01
this person that comment on this, the last time we were
33:04
together in a social especially me and Anson was probably
33:08
2021-2022. So he has been around us in a
33:13
long time, you know, and we are very mindful about long dances,
33:18
super mindful about long dance because we know that people in
33:22
me as an organizer, when I was an organizer, I would also be
33:27
sometimes inadvertently counting the amount of dances that the
33:30
teacher that I hired is dancing without realizing that I'm
33:33
doing. So I'm social dancing.
33:35
Look to the side, you're still dancing, same person, still
33:38
there, same person and realizing that.
33:40
So when you are vested with the role of the organizer, then you
33:44
look at it differently too. So the penny on which shirt
33:47
you're wearing, your experience changes a lot.
33:50
Change a lot. Change a lot.
33:52
Assumptions, expectations. I like to think that you say
33:56
about the role because I noticed and I think was from pandemic
34:02
that I started to lead more and the feedback when I dance with
34:06
the father like 2-3 songs, it's completely different than when I
34:11
dance with the leader, when I'm really engaged to dance with
34:15
more people. For example, the last workshop
34:18
was a week kinder that's we have one social to dance with the
34:21
students. A lot of followers, right.
34:24
So I was very engaged to dance more with the followers and
34:29
change more to don't make them like stand wait so long.
34:33
But in there like there's 3-4 songs or two songs with one
34:37
follower was like, wow, you know, like I felt good, the
34:43
connection and the happiness, you know?
34:46
But when I as a follower, if I dance to songs with the leader,
34:50
sometimes it could be completely different feedback.
34:54
So this is one thing that I noticed recently in my
34:58
experience as a social dancer. And I'm saying as a social
35:02
dancer, I know we have the roles.
35:04
I think the matter of amount of songs, they have been a thing
35:08
forever because I still remember the first time I danced more
35:12
than two songs with a teacher and I was like, Oh my God, she
35:16
loves me. She wants to have my children.
35:19
I guess it was such a memorable thing, you know?
35:24
And the other thing that I think in my formation years, my
35:28
training years as a social dancer, I realized that after a
35:32
certain point, my teachers would come to dance with me because of
35:37
the chill, the basics and playing brace and stuff like
35:40
that. So it was because of my
35:42
teachers, my follower teachers that I started realizing these
35:47
things of 01 more song. Oh, they're really happy.
35:50
One more song and then you get used to, I think.
35:54
So when did this last song feel like, oh, something happened?
35:56
They don't like me. So I don't almost like automatic
35:59
thinking, which I think you mentioned really well about this
36:03
topic. That can be so many reasons.
36:07
There is a movie about Joan of Arc.
36:09
There's a movie about her, and there is this really interesting
36:13
scene that she finds a sword in the grass in the field, and she
36:17
thinks the sword was sent by God.
36:19
She's like, so God sent me this sword and then she's having this
36:23
conversation with this guy and this guy is like, there might be
36:27
a lot of reasons why this sword is here.
36:29
And then it shows several reasons why a guy walking and
36:31
then just throwing the swords and then show another one people
36:35
fighting and then they go and then the sword falls.
36:39
And then it shows like several different possibilities.
36:42
And then he says, but the one you thought about was this one
36:46
and then and this sword coming out from the sky.
36:52
And that is like, man, that's how humans are.
36:55
We're like, there's two songs, probably She doesn't like me at
36:59
all, but could be so many different things.
37:02
Yeah, but I actually like talking about this.
37:04
I just realized if we are engaged to dance with more
37:08
people and then we are doing the role and I would say like as a
37:12
teacher or as a social dance or this person is nice dance with
37:16
everyone. Probably one of the person that
37:18
dance just two songs. We're going to say the person
37:21
doesn't like to dance with me because we always are open to
37:26
receive the judgements. Yes, that's true.
37:28
Yeah. The organizer, like the person
37:30
in the world organized like very good.
37:32
That's very good. 1. And the person who dance only to
37:36
God damn it like we cannot please anybody.
37:39
We. Cannot please anybody.
37:42
We try so hard. But I like to say like, you
37:45
know, I really, and this will be me understanding my role as a
37:50
teacher because it's like, oh, so and then you don't like when
37:54
people want to dance with you. Of course not.
37:56
It's not about that. I'm just afraid of if I don't
38:02
accomplish or I don't deliver their expectations, they just
38:06
see me as a teacher and not see me as a human being, you know?
38:11
They are also vesting with the role too.
38:13
And that's the thing, like we are operating in interesting and
38:17
intense assumptions of what one like and one doesn't like, you
38:22
know, there's like, oh, it's obligation.
38:25
It doesn't want to dance. It's here because it has to.
38:28
So you're making all these assumptions because you vested
38:32
that person with that role, but not only that, why you're
38:38
vesting with the role? You vest with a lot of
38:40
expectations towards how that person has to behave, you know?
38:45
So at the same time that you ask them to be like a normal social
38:48
dancer, you don't see them as a normal social dancer, you know,
38:52
And I think is where the paradox is.
38:56
And things that I want to say, like in this idea of rules and
39:00
it's still on my mind that we going to the dance floor and
39:04
like dance gum, like no labels, no levels.
39:08
Sometimes someone come and say like, oh, I'm a beginner.
39:11
And then I say me too. And I really want to be always a
39:16
beginner. You know, I know I'm not, but
39:18
like I am, I'm a beginners and sometimes my body is not there
39:24
and I feel like needed a process to like breathe fine, my feet,
39:28
my legs. And I'm like, but this moment
39:30
that I start to dance, sometimes I feel like, Oh my gosh, what's
39:33
going on? I don't know nothing right now,
39:36
you know? So yeah, just this ring that we
39:40
had, No levels, no legs, no rose.
39:43
I use that as an icebreaker actually, because I know that
39:46
when the person has the courage to ask somebody that they look
39:51
up to, such as a teacher, and then they come and already say,
39:57
hey, I'm a beginner. It's almost as if they're asking
40:00
for permission to dance with the teacher because they're
40:03
beginner. Or even worse, they're already
40:05
apologizing for being a beginner, you know?
40:08
And at that moment, I break out a laughed smile and I'm like, Oh
40:12
my God, me too. I just.
40:13
Started Zook. And then of course, laugh,
40:17
laugh, laugh, and we have a better dance.
40:19
You know, I think it's nice to also understand how to make it
40:24
better for the other person. So if you see that somebody is
40:30
not feeling great, you know, try to do something to cheer them
40:33
up. It could be asking them for a
40:36
dance. It could be actually just having
40:38
a conversation with them. A lot of the times in social,
40:42
when I'm tired or when I'm in pain, I just go out and sit with
40:47
people and I have a conversation with them that sometimes turns
40:51
into a dance, maybe if I'm feeling better or if the music
40:55
calls for it or if the conversation leads up to it.
40:58
But sometimes it's just that conversation and then both of us
41:02
walk away or somebody comes and invites them for a dance and
41:05
they walk away or something like that.
41:08
So the conversation aspect of the community should also be
41:13
encouraged, not just the dancing, because I think we want
41:18
to be a part of the community. And I always tell this to all
41:21
the teachers that I hire for my events.
41:24
I say, guys, I don't want it to feel like you have to dance at
41:28
any point. I want it to feel like you want
41:31
to dance and you're going to dance whenever you want to
41:34
dance. If you don't want to dance, feel
41:36
free to stay on the dance floor if you want to and talk to
41:41
people or just stay, sit there, not talk to anybody, and just
41:45
watch. Because I think that when you
41:49
dance from the moment that you actually want to dance, instead
41:53
of like, if I'm dancing, I'm on the dance floor.
41:56
If I'm not dancing, I have to hide.
41:58
I have to go to the teacher's room or I have to go back to the
42:01
hotel or something. Then it becomes more of a task
42:04
and a job. I love to just sit and watch
42:08
people dancing. This is something that I've
42:11
always loved from day one. And I don't see a problem when
42:15
other teachers like to do that or when teachers are instead of
42:19
dancing, they're socializing like they're teachers that we
42:23
know. For example, this teacher and he
42:26
is a clearance, we mention names when we're praising them.
42:28
So I'm going to say henna to Hamalu.
42:31
That guy is what we call in Brazil.
42:34
He's like a mayor, you know, he knows everybody, he pleases
42:38
everybody, he connects everybody.
42:40
He creates group chats and things like any dances.
42:46
So his community presence and contribution is not just when
42:52
he's dancing, it's anytime. So I think that's something that
42:57
we should encourage as student dancers, teacher dancers,
43:02
organizer dancers, and everybody in the community.
43:05
Because in the end of the day, we cannot please everybody and
43:10
we need to be looking after ourselves so then we can show up
43:14
and be present and deliver from the inside, not just from the
43:20
teacher vest or the teacher hat. I would like to add because
43:25
that's so important. I agree so much to remember
43:30
episode. I was in Singapore and I went
43:33
outside and was the beginning of the social and one of the
43:37
students was outside and I saw him with the backpack and we
43:42
start to talk and then he said that he was leaving.
43:45
He didn't felt like oh, I'm not going to have level enough to be
43:49
on the social. I think it's better to go.
43:52
And now coming back tomorrow for the class, we start to have a
43:55
conversation and then I convinced him to coming back to
43:58
the social. We had a dance and I was
44:01
watching him and then he danced with other people.
44:05
Next day we talk it and then he said like, Oh, thank you so much
44:08
for convincing me to stay. And like it could be me, could
44:12
be other person. This conversation like it can
44:16
help so much with your friend or maybe a teacher.
44:21
Oh, you're in pain, but maybe you can stay here and talk and
44:23
socialize. You're not obligated.
44:26
And this word obligation, it stays a little bit on my mind
44:30
nowadays because of this book that I read a conversation with
44:34
God and I was talking more about relationship, but I think it can
44:38
be for everything. It says that on your
44:42
relationship, try not to see things in an obligation, but
44:47
more like how is the way you want to express yourself?
44:51
So every situation could be a moment for us to check with
44:56
ourself how I want to be in this moment, how I want to express
45:01
myself, stand off being more in the mood of I'm obligated to do
45:07
this and that, you know? Absolutely.
45:11
And I think that's a great way to summarize this episode and to
45:16
thank you all once again for being here, listening and being
45:20
part of this community with us at Zukunerds.
45:23
And a reminder for you to also follow us, subscribe to all of
45:27
our channels and our social media and get in touch with us
45:30
here, with me, with Ki, with Paloma, because we are part of
45:36
this community. And look, for as long as our
45:39
body and our brains are working, I think we're going to be here.
45:42
So it's going to be a long ride. So once again, indeed, thank you
45:46
Paloma for being here. Thank you so much guys.
45:50
Lovely. Thank you guys for watching.
45:52
If you want to talk with me about it, if you don't
45:55
understand something, I'm totally open to talk.
45:59
And thank you once again for being here and for organizing
46:02
this beautiful collaboration with Paloma.
46:06
She's here more so we might have time for more.
46:08
Yes, let's cross our fingers that the mornings in DC and the
46:13
nights in Taipei are going to align and we can make more in
46:17
the next coming weeks. And so thank you all once again,
46:22
precious, precious Habrasos Ciao, and I'll see you on the
46:26
next one. Bye everybody, Bye.