Latest / Beyond the Facade with Choose Recovery Services and Blueprint Institute / 87: How Powerlessness and Entitlement Sabotage Healing

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87: How Powerlessness and Entitlement Sabotage Healing · Beyond the Facade with Choose Recovery Services and Blueprint Institute

• 0:00
  Hi everybody, Have you ever felt like you have been accused of
• 0:05
  being resentful or even felt resentment and it's not
• 0:09
  something you want in your relationship and you don't feel
• 0:12
  like you have room to even be resentful?
• 0:15
  Well, this episode is for you. This is Alana Gordon, I am the
• 0:18
  host of the Choose to Be podcast and Luke came on our podcast and
• 0:23
  talked about resentment with us. We did a whole 4 part series on
• 0:27
  resentment, but this episode specifically with Luke was
• 0:30
  really helpful. Seeing it from the individual's
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  perspective of those who have been acting outside of their
• 0:37
  values, where and how resentment comes up.
• 0:39
  It's a great conversation. So we thought we'd go ahead and
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  share it here with you. Next week we'll have Luke back
• 0:45
  and he will be talking more about what it really looks like
• 0:50
  to dive into that emotional health for men in their own
• 0:52
  healing journey. But hang with us and enjoy this
• 0:56
  episode on Resentment. Welcome to Beyond the Facade
• 1:03
  podcast. I'm your host, Luke Gordon, and
• 1:05
  I'm thrilled to have you join me in the space today.
• 1:07
  What we're going to be doing is diving deep into the trials and
• 1:10
  triumphs and truths of seeking authenticity.
• 1:13
  Becoming your true self isn't about a single action or a
• 1:16
  moment. It's a relentless pursuit, a
• 1:18
  commitment to self that reveals the rich connection and meaning
• 1:22
  that our life. Has to offer so whether this is
• 1:24
  your. First time tuning in or you're a
• 1:25
  regular listener? Know this what you're building
• 1:28
  here? Goes beyond a.
• 1:29
  Conversation. You're here to challenge, to
• 1:31
  change, and to celebrate the incredible journey of becoming
• 1:35
  your authentic self. Because when you dare.
• 1:37
  To show up fully. The rewards are immeasurable, so
• 1:40
  welcome to Beyond the Facade. Let's get started.
• 1:44
  Hello and welcome to the podcast.
• 1:46
  Today we have Luke with us here today and Luke and I were in a
• 1:51
  meeting together and I said, Luke, we are recording on
• 1:56
  resentment and I would love to pick your brain on resentment.
• 2:00
  And he said, yes, I'm in. But it worked out that when Amy
• 2:03
  and I are recording, you can't come.
• 2:06
  But we did happen to just have the next hour free.
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  So we have this surprise drop in from Luke.
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  It's going to be one more episode on resentment.
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  I wish we could have had me, you and Amy, because that would have
• 2:19
  been amazing. But I still think it's really
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  valuable to have you. So a Luke, thank you for jumping
• 2:26
  in. And then you and I have done a
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  few of these podcasts lately that are completely unscripted.
• 2:33
  Other than Luke knows we're talking about resentment.
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  There is no outline. There's no script.
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  So you were just kidding me and Luke talking about it.
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  And I personally, this is my favorite way of talking about
• 2:47
  it. And so Luke, I'll give you a
• 2:49
  tiny bit of a what Amy and I already talked about, and then I
• 2:54
  would just love to talk to you and hear your thoughts and see
• 2:58
  how you see this show up. But we talked about resentment
• 3:02
  and how a lot of times individuals don't know how much
• 3:07
  resentment is actually there because they don't allow
• 3:10
  themselves to go there. They don't allow themselves to
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  think about it. They don't allow themselves to
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  even notice. If they notice it does come up,
• 3:19
  they're quick to push it away. And not all are like this.
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  Some are very aware of their resentment, but a lot of times
• 3:29
  that resentment is coming out through action.
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  But the individual who's seeking recovery isn't even addressing
• 3:36
  it, aware of it. And unfortunately, there's a lot
• 3:40
  of harm that's being caused relationally because of it.
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  So that's what we talked about last week.
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  But I would love to hear from you, especially where you work
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  with so many men, you run these groups, you see first hand, see
• 3:54
  a resentment. What do you see on your end?
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  And at some point I want to know like what you've experienced if
• 4:02
  you're open to it. But all of it, yeah, this one is
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  a this one's AI always love tag team and stuff with you a lot
• 4:09
  because there's some fear that shows up inside of me that when
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  I talk about resentment, there's the victim energy that's around
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  resentment that a man can hold or the men that I work with the
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  winner. And I don't want resentment to
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  show up in a way that is going to have a man get man get
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  trapped in victim mentality, which but it's not.
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  It's something that they will experience if they don't
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  understand what resentment actually is.
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  I love the resentment through the lens of powerlessness.
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  I resent because I'm powerless and not knowing that I'm
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  resenting. I feel like I don't have a
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  choice. I have to be in the situation
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  that I'm in. I think there's a lot of
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  entitlements that's mixed up in in resentment.
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  I'll give you an example. My therapist said within weeks
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  for a few sessions, you have a lot of resentment for your
• 4:58
  partner or some version of that for Alana.
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  And I'm like, no, I don't. I'm just like that.
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  If you give me information, that's the one I'm going to
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  reject. I don't resent her.
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  I can't resent her. How in the world felt OK to
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  resent her? I'm the one that cheated on her
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  and he's and I was not even open to listening or hearing about
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  that. It didn't feel right to resent.
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  But then he. But then I have, you know,
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  through the years learned resentment stems from
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  powerlessness. And I think just to define that
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  is as I don't feel like I have choice.
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  I don't feel like I have options.
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  I can't speak up. I can't advocate for myself.
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  And that's all done from I'm the person that caused the harm.
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  And it's really problematic because it's a, an emotional
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  ecosystem of parts that get involved that say it's OK to
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  shut down, it's OK to wall off. What else can you do?
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  Which is that's the victim. That's the victim energy that
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  I'm talking about. Well, I love that you're saying
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  this because I'm going to step into my B trade partner brain.
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  I would have been like, Luke, I'm giving you all the room and
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  the power in the world. I'm giving you like make a
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  choice. You have a choice.
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  I think of so many partners who hear that and go, I'm not taking
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  away their power. I'm not making them powerless.
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  And I, so I want to like just two partners say, yes, I, I
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  believe you and I love it. You said an ecosystem of parts.
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  I've never heard that term before, but it's beautiful that
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  you have this ecosystem of parts that this feeling of
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  powerlessness started in childhood for a lot of these
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  individuals. And then that has gone further
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  in their life. And then here we are in a
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  situation that, yes, it's a consequence of their choices.
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  Yes, they do feel immense guilt and shame for hurting their
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  partner. And there is still the reality
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  that they felt powerlessness around.
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  I just now have to do fill in the blank because this is a
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  situation I I jump in here. Yeah.
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  OK, so there's a couple things that I'm thinking about when it
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  comes to this. Here's how resentment shows up
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  in the men that I work with. OK, me.
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  No, I'm a part of this. All right.
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  My journey big time. OK.
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  We will call this. Silence.
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  Score. Keeping.
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  OK, think about think of the mental Ledger that you don't
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  even know about as the betrayed partner that he's keeping.
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  OK, Maybe you do like saying things like he says.
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  I've been sober for this many days.
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  I'm always the one that's apologizing.
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  I'm doing everything she's asked.
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  I'm Yeah, I'm doing all those things.
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  And that resentment is like in disguise because it's like
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  effort that's been given. So it's the it's hidden, it's
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  not seen and it's a part that shows up.
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  So there's this silent score keeping along.
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  Any thoughts on that before I move into the next one?
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  I just think a betrayed brains going to go along for score
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  keeping. Take their cheating to them
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  having 30 days of sobriety. Are you kidding me?
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  That's why it's silent, but it's still kept, right?
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  Like it's silent, but it's still kept.
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  And that's what I want the betrayed partner to think.
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  Just because your partner doesn't voice it doesn't mean
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  that it's not happening. Secrets still exist.
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  It's just not what they're telling you about.
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  And that's silent. Score keeping matters.
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  And I'm not saying they even do that proactively.
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  They don't. I don't think they even want to
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  keep the score, but they do well in the amount of individuals
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  that I see that go, OK, I'm doing this and this and this and
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  I've done this and yes, sobriety dates.
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  But it's like, well, I came home and I made her dinner and I or
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  him dinner or I did this for them.
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  Therefore that should be earning me some credit.
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  And they they do, they, they do actions with hopes that there's
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  some kind of reward or benefit as that.
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  So yeah, I can see that this week there's just there's hidden
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  expectations, right? And at some point they think
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  that this is going to earn them some kind of relief or trust or
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  validation. And when it doesn't, that
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  bitterness grows. OK, so we talked about the
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  victim and energy. That's how another one that
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  shows up even again, painful to talk about, but there's some
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  victim energy. And then also in the resentment
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  piece, how it shows up and is the passive aggressiveness
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  instead of like direct expression.
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  There's a lot of procrastinating, like how
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  madding is it to see your partner and procrastinates
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  things that they say that are important to them.
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  Forgetting things, Oh my goodness, is a part of my
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  journey. Just forgetting being half
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  hearted. Sarcasm.
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  You mentioned earlier and I wrote it down.
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  You said resentment because I'm feeling powerlessness and
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  entitlement. How does entitlement play into
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  that? So entitlement looks like I did.
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  It's an I deserve this mindset. So resentment often fuels from
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  like this logic, which is so destructive.
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  Like just listen to some of the things that somebody would say.
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  The entitlement kind of exists. She doesn't appreciate me.
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  That might be 1 or I'm lonely. I'm all alone or I've been
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  trying so hard, or I deserve some type of release or I'm not
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  getting anything at home. Anyway, there's this.
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  It's not, it's, I don't know, resentment.
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  It's like self soothing, right? And it's made in a place where
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  you're not inside of your value system, but it's in a place
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  where you're alone. And that entitlement means I
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  need this. I deserve this and I need this
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  to survive. Alana, can you give that in a
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  phrase that would make more sense to betray your partners?
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  Because I'm used to talking the other ones.
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  I actually think that made a lot of sense.
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  And I think a lot of them experienced those things and
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  hear those messages. And in one breath they'll say, I
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  see, I've caused you so much pain, I'm so sorry.
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  And in the next breath they go, you don't know how hard this is
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  for me. And they can both happen at the
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  same time. So let me give you something,
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  well, maybe something that's scary as hell, OK?
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  In addiction terms of compulsive behavior, resentment becomes
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  like a relapse permission slip eventually, OK, it's one of
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  those things when say that again, resentment becomes like a
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  relapse permission slip. OK, not immediately, but slowly
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  over time, right as you get higher and higher, I mean more
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  out of your brain, it becomes that permission slip to acting
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  out because I have to get my needs met.
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  So that's why my therapist was saying it right away.
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  You resent your partner. And I'm like, no, I don't The
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  dangerous territory that exists because it's like I can't have a
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  voice. So I'm not telling you like,
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  what you should do is go ahead and understand everything that
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  your partner has resentment around.
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  But a part of their journey will be to understand where they felt
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  powerless and that they are in a position of power, which means
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  they'll have to voice the bulls about why they felt resentful
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  and have it feel real and then find the error, the thinking's
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  in it. So if they just stuff it down
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  and go, I can't resent because I cheated or I had secrets, it's
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  not going to change. They actually have to process
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  through it. But you don't have to hear it.
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  I don't know, Lana, do you know what I'm saying?
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  You don't have to hear it. You don't have to be that.
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  You don't have to be the therapist there to process the
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  resentment. But they're going to have to
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  work through it. Well, yeah, that's.
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  We talked about this just a tiny bit at the end of our last
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  episode. It was like we have to have
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  awareness that the resentment is there, but this isn't a
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  permission slip that now you get to just see then resentment and
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  now go tell your partner how resentful you are.
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  Because if we don't go deeper than just the resentment, all
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  you'll do is spin in resentment and then you feel very justified
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  in your resentment. And so there has to be this
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  deeper. What's underneath the resentment
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  for you? What's your own stuff under that
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  resentment that actually needs addressed?
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  I haven't processed about your partner.
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  I haven't processed a ton, a lot.
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  Maybe you could put it in the masses, in the textbook more
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  than just my journey. But a big one is I always needed
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  a bad guy. If things were happened that
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  were difficult, if people were hurting, if I was hurting or if
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  you were hurting or somebody else is hurting, I need there to
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  be a bad guy. And then, and I think there's
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  some emotional detachment that happens here because if the only
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  person that's in front of me is I view the person's hurting me,
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  which is my partner, there's that you have to detach from
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  them. You have to detach from the
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  relationship. And that emotional distancing,
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  that losing the ability to be able to be curious about my
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  partner, focus on who is right and who is wrong.
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  That resentment is going to turn into a place where there's going
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  to be, it's going to go from a little bit of relational
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  distance to a lot more and really it's systemic and it has
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  to be addressed. Does that make sense, Alana?
• 13:58
  Yeah, yeah, it does. It does have to be addressed.
• 14:02
  And it always comes back to what are the individuals own core
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  wounds and core beliefs. And so as long as you're
• 14:10
  focusing on your partner, you'll never get to the deeper root and
• 14:13
  actually get it healed. I wrote down a question earlier
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  as you were talking that I imagined an ISR individual
• 14:20
  seeking recovery would say, is Luke, you're telling me that I
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  need to be resentful? Like, how the hell will that
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  help? I'm sorry, what?
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  What are we even talking about right now?
• 14:34
  Yeah, only we've been talking about right now.
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  And I would say, where does resentment show up?
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  Not does it show up or is it a showing up?
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  Where does it show up? What does it sound like?
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  And then what? And then process that, dig into
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  that, find what what's actually real and what's not because
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  you're saying things to yourself like I'm trying and it's never
• 14:57
  enough. And notice this is for both
• 14:59
  people. This is for both partners.
• 15:01
  I'm the only one doing the work or that person still stuck.
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  And we just need to identify it and understand it and where it
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  comes from, what parts are being activated and what they actually
• 15:11
  need. So it's not so much of like I
• 15:14
  need to feel resentment is I need to identify it and become
• 15:17
  aware of it and understand how it causes me to behave.
• 15:22
  We're going to take a quick break for a moment.
• 15:24
  I want to let you know of some things that we have coming up at
• 15:26
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• 15:32
  show up differently for your partner after betrayal.
• 15:34
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• 15:37
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• 15:41
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• 15:44
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• 15:50
  without getting defensive when things get hard at home.
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• 15:56
  change in a focused, confidential setting so you're
• 15:59
  not trying to figure this out alone.
• 16:01
  My name is Holly Roderick and I'm both a professional and
• 16:04
  someone who's lived through betrayal recovery.
• 16:06
  Our team is here to give you the structure, the tools, and the
• 16:09
  feedback you need to show up with consistency and integrity
• 16:13
  in a way that supports real safety for your wife.
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  You'll leave with a clear plan for how to act differently,
• 16:19
  communicate better, and continue rebuilding trust when you go
• 16:22
  home. Check out the show notes For
• 16:24
  more information or how to register.
• 16:26
  If you're serious about helping her heal, this is where you
• 16:29
  start. Well, let's get.
• 16:33
  Back to our episode. So what does somebody do if OK,
• 16:38
  I recognize that I'm falling into this victim mentality.
• 16:42
  I realized that I am resentful that not of my partner maybe,
• 16:48
  but I'm resentful that now I feel like I have no power in my
• 16:52
  own life. I'm just trying to make my wife
• 16:54
  happy. I'm just trying to save my
• 16:56
  marriage. So I feel very powerless.
• 16:58
  OK, OK, so now I recognize that I have resentment.
• 17:03
  What? What do I actually do with that?
• 17:07
  Because if I tell her, she's just going to be pissed, and now
• 17:11
  we're even worse off. So if I'm admitting that it's
• 17:16
  there, then what? Yeah, I noticed it depends on
• 17:19
  where you're at in your journey because it's really hard to
• 17:22
  judge in the moment, especially early in recovery.
• 17:25
  Why am I voicing what I'm voicing with my partner?
• 17:28
  What's the reason why I'm saying it?
• 17:30
  Ideally, what I'd love for a man to do that I work with is be
• 17:33
  able to show up and saying, hey, I'm noticing coming up and it's
• 17:36
  like she's an observer to this dialogue, not a participant in
• 17:41
  it. OK, An observer of, hey, I'm
• 17:44
  noticing right now that I'm feeling like I need to do this
• 17:48
  action, but I'm doing it because I need to, because I'm supposed
• 17:55
  to do it. Like I have to do it.
• 17:57
  And that's interesting to me. I, I feel kind of like almost
• 18:00
  maybe I'm allowing myself to feel like kind of like angry a
• 18:03
  little bit. I'm feeling it and I, I need to
• 18:07
  figure that out because I'm wanting to make you the bad guy
• 18:11
  that you're making me do it. And I know that's not accurate,
• 18:14
  but I'm not clear about it. So I need to figure it out.
• 18:17
  And they kind of step away at that point, whatever that looks
• 18:19
  like, some version of that, they step away and they find their
• 18:22
  places where they can in a really chaotic burn journal kind
• 18:25
  of way, talk about it. Let their parts talk and saying,
• 18:29
  this is crazy. I am let that part have a voice,
• 18:33
  a loud voice on. And then as it comes out of
• 18:37
  their mouth, sometimes by themselves or sometimes with
• 18:41
  somebody that gets recovery, they're going to be able to see
• 18:45
  the thinking errors in it. But the way it works and we
• 18:49
  think about parts work is now that holds less power.
• 18:52
  And now what I can do is I can come back to my partner later
• 18:54
  after I process and I can say I'm not actually powerless.
• 18:58
  I don't feel all better. I recognize I'm actually, I
• 19:02
  chose to do these things. I chose to do therapy, I chose
• 19:05
  to go to group. I'm recognizing I'm overwhelmed
• 19:08
  right now and that's about it. So that's mine and and but I
• 19:13
  want to let you know of what that process was like for me as
• 19:16
  I recognize that I'm not powerless and and that's all
• 19:20
  that's not all going to be like completely understood and
• 19:24
  completely grounded and complete awareness.
• 19:26
  Can I tell you what I see? Because I think what you're
• 19:29
  explaining is spot on, but you're like at Olympic level
• 19:34
  skills. What I see is when people are
• 19:39
  starting this journey and there's still a needing to grow
• 19:44
  in this type of emotional work and emotional maturity, I see
• 19:49
  that first, even getting awareness is really hard.
• 19:54
  And they have all sorts of protectors and self denial that
• 19:57
  doesn't want to see it for a variety of reasons.
• 20:01
  So we get to this place of awareness.
• 20:03
  Which is huge. Yay.
• 20:04
  We have awareness, OK. And hopefully this podcast helps
• 20:07
  get awareness. But awareness doesn't actually
• 20:12
  make understanding just happen. So first there's this awareness,
• 20:18
  then there's like this exploration of understanding.
• 20:22
  And sometimes I'll see individuals really eager to
• 20:28
  share their awareness with their partner, but because there's no
• 20:31
  understanding, because there's no accountability, because they
• 20:34
  haven't done this higher level work in their attempts to
• 20:39
  communicate this awareness, they actually cause a lot of harm and
• 20:42
  damage because they can't help but be putting it on their
• 20:45
  partner and blame their partner. I would even say, let's slow
• 20:50
  this down. And you're literally watching me
• 20:53
  process. By the way, if you're on video,
• 20:55
  you're watching me process because listening to you, I was
• 20:58
  like, yeah, everything you said is so spot on, but most people
• 21:03
  don't have the skills to do that yet.
• 21:05
  You want to practice, You want to play with it.
• 21:08
  No, slow down. I want to still play with this
• 21:11
  idea because there's awareness, then there's this level of
• 21:16
  understanding that they need to be doing.
• 21:18
  This is why therapy and individual therapy I think is so
• 21:21
  important, is working this out and digging into understand at a
• 21:26
  deeper level, but not putting your partner in that position of
• 21:29
  dragging them through the mud when the resentment is around
• 21:32
  them or around your choices that have impacted them.
• 21:36
  So awareness, then understanding, but then after
• 21:40
  that, then they start practicing the accountability.
• 21:44
  Then they start going, OK, here's what I own.
• 21:47
  And when I say accountability, meaning owning your own life,
• 21:51
  owning your own choices, owning that outcomes, owning your level
• 21:55
  of powerness and whether you're you have power or not, but
• 21:59
  really taking accountability for all of that, then you move more
• 22:04
  into being able to embody the reality of your choices, embody
• 22:10
  this knowledge, like being able to internalize that, embody
• 22:15
  that. Then you're actually able to
• 22:18
  have these higher level conversations.
• 22:20
  But if you don't do that preliminary work, you'll hear a
• 22:24
  podcast like a Luke and I and we'll show you what it sounds
• 22:28
  like. And then you think, OK, I have
• 22:30
  the words and you go try to do it.
• 22:34
  But all of your, excuse my language, but all of your own
• 22:37
  comes up and blocks you actually being able to do the words that
• 22:42
  we're saying because you haven't actually gained awareness, you
• 22:45
  haven't dug deeper into the understanding, you haven't taken
• 22:49
  accountability and you haven't become embodied to then be able
• 22:53
  to have the conversation that we want to show you what it sounds
• 22:57
  like. Yeah, Yeah.
• 22:59
  Thanks for slowing that down, Alana.
• 23:01
  And I think about how often sometimes I'm like, wait, do I
• 23:05
  present the Olympic level experience or do I present like
• 23:08
  the entry level experience? And I'm like, no, you always
• 23:12
  present the Olympic level experience and you normalize the
• 23:14
  journey as a part of it. Put yourself in an environment
• 23:17
  where the outcome that you're looking for stays front and
• 23:20
  center, but put yourself in an environment that normalizes the
• 23:23
  process of healing. And you go back and you're like,
• 23:27
  and I always tell guys like, come to the group, tell your
• 23:30
  leader like that's bull. It didn't work.
• 23:32
  Sorry, I got a mouth on me today, almost like the bull crap
• 23:35
  I got that didn't work and then process through it.
• 23:38
  Notice what came out for you and then the thing that we laugh
• 23:41
  about all the time is like guys, cool thing is it only takes
• 23:43
  10,000 times. Just we need more prep.
• 23:45
  We need you to screw it up more. You know, we need you to
• 23:47
  practice more. Have an analogy.
• 23:50
  What's that? The major leagues baseball, you
• 23:54
  go to the major leagues, you watch how it's played and you
• 23:56
  see and you're like, ah, this is how it works and this is what
• 23:59
  skill looks like. Wonderful.
• 24:00
  OK, now go to AT ball game. Have you ever watched T-ball?
• 24:04
  And it is like utter chaos on the field.
• 24:08
  You have one kid going One Direction the kid didn't going
• 24:10
  to, different one doing somersaults in the back, right.
• 24:13
  It's chaotic. But somehow those people in the
• 24:17
  major leagues went from T-ball to be where they are today.
• 24:21
  So, yeah, you listen to a podcast, you go sit with you're
• 24:26
  a therapist or you go to experts and you read the books.
• 24:29
  And so you see what it looks like.
• 24:32
  But then also we need to be in reality.
• 24:35
  You yourself have to be in reality with where you're at.
• 24:39
  Maybe you're still in T-ball, maybe you're at a like a fifth
• 24:44
  grade level, maybe you're in the minor leagues.
• 24:47
  Just be real with yourself on where you're at, but know that
• 24:51
  the level we're giving you is where we're headed and where we
• 24:54
  want to be. Yeah, and they'll always be
• 24:57
  another game. Like even when you make the
• 24:59
  major leagues, like even when you get there, there will be
• 25:03
  you'll win. And then guess what?
• 25:05
  There'll be another opportunity. It's just it never, it's never
• 25:08
  over. I don't know if there needs to
• 25:09
  be some grief around that or what, but maybe that's his
• 25:11
  journey. I'm telling myself right now,
• 25:13
  it'll never be. It'll never be over.
• 25:15
  So it's about it's about fair expectations for yourself.
• 25:20
  It's about compassion. So just please be compassionate
• 25:23
  for yourself. Please be compact because it
• 25:26
  doesn't matter how long you've been doing this, the bad days
• 25:28
  still suck. It doesn't matter how long when
• 25:32
  it when you're exhausted, overwhelmed, you're tired.
• 25:35
  It's the holidays like it's it can feel so hopeless in moments,
• 25:41
  right. So just be so patient with
• 25:43
  yourself, acknowledged as helpful progress as it happens,
• 25:48
  And then don't get too high. Don't get too low.
• 25:52
  I love that. I love that.
• 25:54
  I was just sitting here as I'm listening to.
• 25:56
  I'm like, this has been a really rich conversation.
• 25:58
  I'm so glad it might be into it. Well, I love it.
• 26:01
  And there's just a difference when you have somebody who's
• 26:04
  lived it and breathed it. Yeah.
• 26:08
  Well, and I remember, like when you talked about, I remember you
• 26:12
  coming home from therapy and being like Alana, Sean says I'm
• 26:16
  resentful of you. And you're like, how weird is
• 26:19
  that? I don't.
• 26:22
  I was trying to remember that. Yeah.
• 26:25
  And it probably made some assumptions.
• 26:27
  I who who knows? But I do remember you being so
• 26:31
  surprised by that. And what's been interesting is
• 26:37
  I've watched you in more recent years actually start to own that
• 26:41
  in a way you never did a decade ago.
• 26:43
  And there's parts of that where my B trade parts are like, what
• 26:47
  the hell? You don't get to be resentful.
• 26:50
  And then there's other parts, my healed parts that go, of course,
• 26:56
  and that's not about me. And you get to have that and you
• 26:58
  get to work through that. And I'm not going to own that.
• 27:02
  And so all of my parts are there.
• 27:05
  And so you just coming and not only speaking from just the work
• 27:09
  you do with men, but being vulnerable and sharing some of
• 27:12
  your own thoughts and experience, I think it's been
• 27:15
  really invaluable. Absolutely.
• 27:17
  Thanks for the invitation. That was a pleasure.
• 27:20
  Any final thoughts you want to leave with?
• 27:23
  And if it's OK, thoughts specifically for the B trade
• 27:26
  partner and then thoughts specifically for the individual
• 27:29
  seeking recovery? Yeah, observe.
• 27:33
  Be careful about the participation.
• 27:34
  Just observe what they're experiencing because if
• 27:37
  resentment is something they'll have to process through and it's
• 27:39
  not because of you, they don't need to process resentment
• 27:42
  because you did something wrong, OK.
• 27:44
  And you process resentment because they feel powerless and
• 27:46
  that powerless keeping them stuck.
• 27:48
  So just observe and notice. And they have a journey that is
• 27:54
  often painful to watch, but they're also some cool moments.
• 27:57
  So anyway, that's it. So that was for the B trade
• 28:00
  partner. Anything for the individual
• 28:03
  seeking recovery. Oh, does that what you asked for
• 28:04
  is individual seeking? Yeah.
• 28:06
  OK. I would just say as your
• 28:09
  individual seeking recovery does that, I guess the same concept,
• 28:12
  resentment. It's what happens when you're
• 28:14
  feeling stuck and you're not saying what you need.
• 28:18
  And it's not about stating what you need to your partner.
• 28:21
  It's about noticing what your parts need inside of you.
• 28:24
  So identify what they need and then how you're in charge of
• 28:27
  that need, not somebody else. All right, well, thank you,
• 28:31
  Luke. Thanks for joining us this week.
• 28:34
  And as always, for those of you who have listened, this topic
• 28:37
  can be a harder one. It can touch on a lot of soft,
• 28:40
  sensitive places for both of you.
• 28:42
  So definitely notice like what areas got activated, that's a
• 28:46
  call to do work and explore deeper in those areas and be
• 28:51
  gentle with yourself. So as always, thanks for hanging
• 28:54
  out with us this week and we look forward to seeing you all
• 28:56
  next week. If you've experienced betrayal
• 29:00
  in your relationship and feel like your body is constantly on
• 29:03
  edge, this isn't because you're weak.
• 29:05
  It's because your nervous system is trying to protect you.
• 29:09
  Healing from betrayal isn't about fixing yourself.
• 29:11
  It's about reclaiming safety, agency, and trust in your own
• 29:15
  body. Courage to Thrive is a 3 1/2 day
• 29:18
  therapeutic intensive designed specifically for partners
• 29:21
  healing from betrayal trauma. Through trauma informed
• 29:24
  education, somatic healing experiences, and empowerment
• 29:28
  based boundary work, participants learn how to calm
• 29:31
  their nervous systems, understand what's happening in
• 29:34
  their brain and body, and begin creating real safety from the
• 29:37
  inside out. The Curse to Thrive Intensive
• 29:40
  runs from March 17th through the 20th and space is limited.
• 29:44
  Learn more by clicking the link in the show notes or heading to
• 29:47
  choose Recovery services.com. Back slash Intensives.
• 29:56
  Hey, thanks for joining us today.
• 29:58
  If this is something that. You connected with.
• 30:00
  I'd love to meet with you more and talk about it.
• 30:02
  So what you can do is go to chooserecoveryservices.com or
• 30:05
  check the show. Notes.
• 30:07
  And there what we can do is set up a quick conversation we need.
• 30:10
  Thanks so much for listening to Beyond the Facade where we
• 30:12
  unmask the update itself.