Latest / Judgement Call / 20 MINUTES LATE: ARE DRINKS ON HIM OR SHOULD SHE LEAVE?

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20 MINUTES LATE: ARE DRINKS ON HIM OR SHOULD SHE LEAVE? · Judgement Call

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_05: She's seen it all from the bench.
• 0:02
  SPEAKER_05: He's helped couples through it all.
• 0:05
  SPEAKER_05: Now they're making the call on the internet's biggest relationship debates.
• 0:10
  SPEAKER_05: Real relationships, real reactions, real talk.
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_05: This is Judgment Call.
• 0:19
  SPEAKER_07: I want to hear about the very first date you ever went on.
• 0:24
  SPEAKER_07: Did did he slide into the DMs?
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_07: Did he did he drop a double tap?
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_06: I was dating with the dinosaurs, so there were no DMs to slide into.
• 0:34
  SPEAKER_06: He called me up on the phone.
• 0:35
  SPEAKER_06: The phone was on the wall.
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_06: I had to pick the phone up.
• 0:37
  SPEAKER_06: Didn't know who it was until he said hello.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_07: The direct approach.
• 0:41
  SPEAKER_06: The director proved.
• 0:42
  SPEAKER_06: And we went to see the Jackson 5.
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_07: That's a great first date.
• 0:46
  SPEAKER_06: And I sat through the whole show like this.
• 0:49
  SPEAKER_06: And he never asked me out again.
• 0:51
  SPEAKER_06: I was so shy and worried.
• 0:53
  SPEAKER_06: I didn't date again until college.
• 0:55
  SPEAKER_07: Oh, no kidding.
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_06: Oh, didn't oh wow.
• 0:57
  SPEAKER_06: Good new.
• 0:58
  SPEAKER_07: Well, how was the concert?
• 0:59
  SPEAKER_06: It was very good.
• 1:01
  SPEAKER_06: It was very, very good.
• 1:03
  SPEAKER_06: Uh Michael had a wow wardrobe malfunction and he and he danced his way out of it.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_06: You know, I remember that specifically.
• 1:10
  SPEAKER_07: Very cool.
• 1:10
  SPEAKER_06: But it was cool.
• 1:11
  SPEAKER_06: You remember your first date?
• 1:13
  SPEAKER_07: I I do.
• 1:14
  SPEAKER_07: It was um she was a twin.
• 1:17
  SPEAKER_07: Yeah.
• 1:18
  SPEAKER_07: She was one of a twin.
• 1:20
  SPEAKER_07: And I met the dad before we had to go out.
• 1:26
  SPEAKER_07: And they were both the twins were there.
• 1:29
  SPEAKER_07: It was uh lucky for me, my dad had prepped me on the conversation.
• 1:35
  SPEAKER_07: He was like, Dad just go and be you, you're fine.
• 1:37
  SPEAKER_07: I was like, that's it.
• 1:39
  SPEAKER_07: I feel like I need some more.
• 1:41
  SPEAKER_07: But where do we?
• 1:42
  SPEAKER_07: I think we uh we had this.
• 1:43
  SPEAKER_07: I grew up in Buford, and so we ended up going to the waterfront and we did a movie, and then we went for a walk, and it was really cool.
• 1:51
  SPEAKER_07: And it was, and I was nervous, I was shaking like a leaf on a tree because I was, you know, I was I was always the nerdy one.
• 1:58
  SPEAKER_07: You know what I mean?
• 1:59
  SPEAKER_07: The big glasses.
• 2:00
  SPEAKER_07: I weighed about 95 pounds all through high school, and 20 pounds of that was all glasses.
• 2:06
  SPEAKER_07: But I I remember I remember being deeply relieved when I got home and gave all my sisters the download because obviously they had all coached me up.
• 2:14
  SPEAKER_07: They're like, all right, here's what we're gonna do.
• 2:16
  SPEAKER_07: Do you remember what I said?
• 2:16
  SPEAKER_07: You're gonna do this and don't say that, and do this, and don't what and so I I felt pretty well prepared.
• 2:21
  SPEAKER_07: You know what I mean?
• 2:22
  SPEAKER_06: Sisters come in handy for that kind of thing.
• 2:24
  SPEAKER_07: They came in handy, and they're still coming in very much handy.
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_07: Yeah.
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_06: Now they don't date like we used to anymore.
• 2:31
  SPEAKER_06: Oh.
• 2:31
  SPEAKER_06: It's an entirely different matter, it's an entirely different, different world.
• 2:35
  SPEAKER_06: They don't even resemble one another.
• 2:37
  SPEAKER_06: So I'm gonna ask Madison.
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_06: What we got?
• 2:40
  SPEAKER_04: Judgment call.
• 2:45
  SPEAKER_01: That's not a problem.
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_01: He paid for this wine glass.
• 2:47
  SPEAKER_01: He doesn't know that he paid for it yet, but he did.
• 2:49
  SPEAKER_01: We had plans to meet at 6.
• 2:51
  SPEAKER_01: He messaged me on hinge saying he is 620.
• 2:54
  SPEAKER_01: Whatever.
• 2:54
  SPEAKER_01: At that point, I called Rachel.
• 2:56
  SPEAKER_01: She said, Just go, fine, I'm here.
• 2:57
  SPEAKER_01: I texted him and I said, All right, well, I'm here.
• 2:59
  SPEAKER_01: Because it's 6.02, and of course I'm here.
• 3:02
  SPEAKER_01: He messages back and says, sorry, my way must take forever.
• 3:05
  SPEAKER_01: So at least we got an apology at that my service, she's so cute.
• 3:08
  SPEAKER_01: She gives you this glass of wine, and I tell her I'm on a first date, and she's like, Oh, he's late.
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_01: And I said, He is late.
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_01: She was like, How late is he gonna be?
• 3:14
  SPEAKER_01: I said, he's gonna be here 20 minutes late.
• 3:15
  SPEAKER_01: She said, 20 minutes.
• 3:16
  SPEAKER_01: I said, I know, girl, I know.
• 3:18
  SPEAKER_01: So anyway, I order this drink.
• 3:19
  SPEAKER_01: She comes around and I go, by the way, I'm not paying for this.
• 3:21
  SPEAKER_01: This is all gonna be on him.
• 3:22
  SPEAKER_01: And she said, Obviously, you're not paying for that.
• 3:24
  SPEAKER_01: For now, I sit outside.
• 3:25
  SPEAKER_01: It's a beautiful day.
• 3:26
  SPEAKER_01: Glass of wine is a French white.
• 3:29
  SPEAKER_01: If you're gonna be late, my man, like my man, would be so apologetic about it and be like, I'm so sorry that I'm late.
• 3:34
  SPEAKER_01: And then he would be like, order whatever you want.
• 3:36
  SPEAKER_01: Obviously, it's all on me.
• 3:37
  SPEAKER_01: Please get all the appetizers and all the drinks that you want.
• 3:39
  SPEAKER_01: My bad for being late.
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_01: Like, that's what my men would say.
• 3:41
  SPEAKER_01: And all this man said was sorry, my way was taken forever.
• 3:44
  SPEAKER_01: So, not looking great that he's my man.
• 3:46
  SPEAKER_01: One drink.
• 3:47
  SPEAKER_01: Well, I guess two, because by the time he gets here, I'll probably have another one.
• 3:51
  SPEAKER_01: If if he's not six feet like he says, it's you're not gonna be a tardy and lie to me about your age.
• 3:59
  SPEAKER_06: I'd never go on a first date with somebody two drinks in.
• 4:02
  SPEAKER_06: Do you know what I mean?
• 4:03
  SPEAKER_06: I'd like to be sober at the beginning.
• 4:06
  SPEAKER_06: And sober all the way through, actually.
• 4:08
  SPEAKER_06: First date.
• 4:09
  SPEAKER_06: Uh first date?
• 4:10
  SPEAKER_06: First date jitters, something to take the edge off.
• 4:13
  SPEAKER_06: I don't know.
• 4:14
  SPEAKER_06: I did.
• 4:14
  SPEAKER_06: I look at it like my mother looks at looked at it.
• 4:17
  SPEAKER_06: It's like you got to be, you have to have your P's and Q's about you when you're out on day.
• 4:21
  SPEAKER_06: You can't just you can't just drink and this, that, and the other thing.
• 4:25
  SPEAKER_06: Well, let me ask you this.
• 4:26
  SPEAKER_06: He's 20 minutes late.
• 4:27
  SPEAKER_06: What do you think about that 20 minutes?
• 4:29
  SPEAKER_06: I'd be gone.
• 4:30
  SPEAKER_06: There was no issue in me.
• 4:31
  SPEAKER_06: I I'd leave.
• 4:32
  SPEAKER_06: Uh-huh.
• 4:33
  SPEAKER_07: Why?
• 4:33
  SPEAKER_06: Because why?
• 4:34
  SPEAKER_06: Because I don't wait.
• 4:35
  SPEAKER_06: I I my my father was pathologically punctual.
• 4:38
  SPEAKER_06: He says if you respect people, you're on time.
• 4:41
  SPEAKER_06: And to me, not being on time is disrespectful.
• 4:43
  SPEAKER_06: Now you call me, you got an issue.
• 4:45
  SPEAKER_06: Something happened.
• 4:46
  SPEAKER_06: I hear you.
• 4:46
  SPEAKER_06: Listen, I'm a reasonable individual.
• 4:48
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 4:48
  SPEAKER_06: I'm not gonna act a fool.
• 4:49
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 4:50
  SPEAKER_06: But uh 20 minutes late, no explanation.
• 4:52
  SPEAKER_06: Well, 20 minutes for a first date is a lot.
• 4:55
  SPEAKER_06: A whole lot.
• 4:55
  SPEAKER_07: Right?
• 4:56
  SPEAKER_07: Because we are 20 minutes late for a first, unless there's something that she hasn't heard yet and she we don't have the story.
• 5:02
  SPEAKER_07: He could have a very valid very good reason.
• 5:05
  SPEAKER_07: There could have been a cat stuck in a tree and he's but he's Superman.
• 5:08
  SPEAKER_07: He wanted to get it down.
• 5:09
  SPEAKER_07: He wants to get it down.
• 5:10
  SPEAKER_07: Could be.
• 5:11
  SPEAKER_07: Other than that, 20 minutes says that, you know, I've had a lot of other things go on in my day that made this not a priority.
• 5:17
  SPEAKER_07: Right.
• 5:17
  SPEAKER_07: Right?
• 5:17
  SPEAKER_07: And so that's the first red flag.
• 5:19
  SPEAKER_07: But you know what I do love?
• 5:22
  SPEAKER_07: Her attitude about it.
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_07: She didn't take it personal.
• 5:24
  SPEAKER_07: At all.
• 5:25
  SPEAKER_07: She didn't take it personal at all.
• 5:26
  SPEAKER_07: She's staying in the moment.
• 5:28
  SPEAKER_07: She's not skipping ahead to what she's gonna do and how she's gonna act when he gets there.
• 5:32
  SPEAKER_07: She's like, you know what?
• 5:33
  SPEAKER_07: I've got a delicious glass of white.
• 5:35
  SPEAKER_07: I'm gonna work on a second, and this is where we are.
• 5:38
  SPEAKER_07: And I'm and I'm gonna give him an opportunity to show up and show me who he is.
• 5:42
  unknown: Yeah.
• 5:42
  SPEAKER_06: Which is probably a far more rational response than mine.
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_06: But I say I'm still saying I would leave and I definitely wouldn't drink while waiting on him.
• 5:51
  SPEAKER_07: Well, I'd like this, I like the fact that you just have a standard that you set.
• 5:53
  SPEAKER_06: Yeah.
• 5:54
  SPEAKER_07: Right?
• 5:54
  SPEAKER_07: And then now, because first dates are about expectations, right?
• 5:59
  SPEAKER_07: Can you, this is the expectation.
• 6:01
  SPEAKER_07: Maybe I didn't communicate that to you clearly before I got here.
• 6:05
  SPEAKER_07: My absence now has.
• 6:06
  SPEAKER_07: And in the event you want to try this again, now you've got a clear set of expectations that you know that you need to meet.
• 6:13
  SPEAKER_06: When I said eight o'clock, I meant eight o'clock.
• 6:15
  SPEAKER_06: That was an expectation.
• 6:16
  SPEAKER_06: I don't know.
• 6:17
  SPEAKER_06: There's nothing to read about that.
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_07: But anyway.
• 6:19
  SPEAKER_07: Well, think about it, right?
• 6:20
  SPEAKER_07: So women speak through words, guys speak through actions, right?
• 6:23
  SPEAKER_07: If a guy is into you, he's there.
• 6:25
  SPEAKER_07: And he says, I'm gonna be there at eight o'clock, he's gonna be sitting in his car down the street at 7.45 waiting.
• 6:34
  SPEAKER_07: Because it matters to him.
• 6:36
  SPEAKER_07: Because it matters.
• 6:37
  SPEAKER_06: And the showing up 20 minutes late says it doesn't matter.
• 6:41
  SPEAKER_06: Right.
• 6:41
  SPEAKER_06: Unless there's a really, really good reason.
• 6:43
  SPEAKER_07: Unless there's a really, really good reason.
• 6:44
  SPEAKER_06: And he could always call and explain it to me the next day.
• 6:49
  SPEAKER_06: What that reason was.
• 6:50
  SPEAKER_06: And if it was a good one, we may go out again.
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_07: Yeah, why not may give him a second chance?
• 6:55
  SPEAKER_06: Everything turned out the way it should have.
• 6:56
  SPEAKER_07: Yeah, yeah, but she's got a great attitude about it, and she she's uh the word the the word the ladies on online use these days is unbothered.
• 7:04
  SPEAKER_07: She's unbothered by it.
• 7:05
  SPEAKER_06: So what's your judgment call?
• 7:06
  SPEAKER_06: My judgment call is for her attitude.
• 7:08
  SPEAKER_06: I love it.
• 7:08
  SPEAKER_06: My judgment call is for the leave.
• 7:10
  SPEAKER_06: We disagree.
• 7:11
  SPEAKER_07: We disagree or we disagree.
• 7:13
  SPEAKER_07: I love I love the fact that she's staying present in the moment and she's like, here's where we are, and I'm handling it.
• 7:19
  SPEAKER_06: I do love that she is not taken aback by it and upset by it.
• 7:23
  SPEAKER_06: But two glasses in and waiting, I wouldn't do.
• 7:27
  SPEAKER_06: I would love to get a follow-up to see what happened when he showed up.
• 7:30
  SPEAKER_07: I would love to hear judgment.call.
• 7:40
  SPEAKER_06: Yeah, absolutely.
• 7:44
  SPEAKER_04: Judgment call.
• 7:46
  SPEAKER_02: I'm supposed to have a hinge date tonight, and let's see if I hear from him.
• 7:50
  SPEAKER_02: It's 8 15 in the morning.
• 7:52
  SPEAKER_02: All right, it's 10 27, and he just texted me, good morning, and how's my day going?
• 7:56
  SPEAKER_02: Keep you updated.
• 7:57
  SPEAKER_02: Okay, it is 6 43.
• 7:59
  SPEAKER_02: We've been in communication all day, and he just texted me and said, Wear something comfy, by the way.
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_02: And I'm in my mind, I'm like, I don't want to wear something comfy if I'm going on a date, like it's a first date.
• 8:09
  SPEAKER_02: That's not my you know.
• 8:10
  SPEAKER_02: So, anyways, I was like, Well, what are we doing?
• 8:12
  SPEAKER_02: I'm starving, I just got off work, I just worked nine hours.
• 8:15
  SPEAKER_02: He said he already ate and thought we would go get our steps in.
• 8:19
  SPEAKER_02: Like, get some steps in on a first date, mind you, it is pouring down raining outside.
• 8:26
  SPEAKER_02: I think we have a different idea of like what a first date entails because I wanna get cute and be picked up, and I want to go eat a nice steak and relax, and you are not my man.
• 8:42
  SPEAKER_06: It's good she knows what she wants.
• 8:43
  SPEAKER_06: What is that?
• 8:44
  SPEAKER_07: What do we got there, Madison?
• 8:46
  SPEAKER_00: She says, cancel the date with a thumbs down emoji.
• 8:50
  SPEAKER_00: He said, dress comfy, and I was like, What are we doing?
• 8:54
  SPEAKER_00: I'm starving.
• 8:55
  SPEAKER_00: And he said, I already ate, I figured we could get our steps in.
• 8:58
  SPEAKER_00: I told him no thanks.
• 9:00
  SPEAKER_00: And her dad replied, douchebag cheap ass.
• 9:07
  SPEAKER_06: Her dad replied, douchebag.
• 9:12
  SPEAKER_06: Well, she knew what she wanted.
• 9:14
  SPEAKER_06: She did.
• 9:15
  SPEAKER_06: She what the first date looked like, how she was gonna look on the first date.
• 9:19
  SPEAKER_06: And she knew that she wasn't getting it from this guy.
• 9:22
  SPEAKER_07: Uh-huh.
• 9:22
  SPEAKER_07: First date magic is all about met expectations.
• 9:25
  SPEAKER_07: And that did not happen.
• 9:26
  SPEAKER_06: Not at all.
• 9:27
  SPEAKER_06: Not at all.
• 9:27
  SPEAKER_06: Not at all.
• 9:28
  SPEAKER_06: Did was he wrong?
• 9:30
  SPEAKER_06: See?
• 9:31
  SPEAKER_07: He did some things right early.
• 9:32
  SPEAKER_06: Yeah.
• 9:33
  SPEAKER_07: And then it took a real hard left later on.
• 9:36
  SPEAKER_06: Yeah, because it it's awfully casual and comfy.
• 9:40
  SPEAKER_06: It is.
• 9:40
  SPEAKER_06: It is.
• 9:41
  SPEAKER_06: To be just taking a walk after dinner.
• 9:43
  SPEAKER_07: But listen now, Judge, you gotta know your personnel, right?
• 9:46
  SPEAKER_07: KYP.
• 9:47
  SPEAKER_07: You gotta know who you're going on a first date with.
• 9:49
  SPEAKER_07: So he did some things right, which is he sent the early morning text.
• 9:52
  SPEAKER_07: Okay.
• 9:52
  SPEAKER_07: Hey, we're still on.
• 9:54
  SPEAKER_07: Thinking about it.
• 9:55
  SPEAKER_07: I'm looking forward to it, right?
• 9:57
  SPEAKER_07: Flirtation starts the day before or the morning, right?
• 10:00
  SPEAKER_07: It's not a night.
• 10:01
  SPEAKER_07: You don't show up and start flirting at eight if you're trying to have a great date at nine.
• 10:05
  SPEAKER_07: You can't do that.
• 10:05
  SPEAKER_07: So he did that part right.
• 10:07
  SPEAKER_07: Where he took a wrong turn was she was trying to gently guide him to where he wanted to be.
• 10:14
  SPEAKER_07: She was the third base coach trying to wave him home.
• 10:16
  SPEAKER_07: She was like, I'm hungry.
• 10:17
  SPEAKER_07: And he was like, I already ate.
• 10:21
  SPEAKER_07: Well, we got to have some empathy now, right?
• 10:23
  SPEAKER_07: We got to have some consideration.
• 10:25
  SPEAKER_07: That's telling you she's expecting to go eat.
• 10:27
  SPEAKER_07: So you got you got to be able to adjust your game plan on the fly.
• 10:30
  SPEAKER_07: And he didn't do that.
• 10:31
  SPEAKER_07: Now, there's some women who would love a casual first date.
• 10:34
  SPEAKER_07: Hey, let's go for a walk, let's go in the park, let's do a coffee kind of thing, but that's not who he had there.
• 10:41
  SPEAKER_06: Right, exactly.
• 10:42
  SPEAKER_06: And it's good to learn in the beginning, right?
• 10:44
  SPEAKER_06: I guess what it is, but also one blown date does not necessarily mean that it was not the right, right matchup.
• 10:50
  SPEAKER_06: So it could have been a little bit this coming from the woman who who leaves after 20 minutes.
• 10:59
  SPEAKER_06: We have some understanding here.
• 11:00
  SPEAKER_06: I like this.
• 11:01
  SPEAKER_07: Yeah.
• 11:02
  SPEAKER_07: You know.
• 11:03
  SPEAKER_07: Well, I think I love I love on her or on her end, I love the fact that she had in her mind how she wanted this magical date to go.
• 11:11
  SPEAKER_07: Right.
• 11:11
  SPEAKER_07: And when that didn't happen, she reached out to the man in her life who was always there for her.
• 11:18
  SPEAKER_07: And she was like, hey man, hey dad, this is what's happening.
• 11:20
  SPEAKER_07: What's your what's your call on that?
• 11:22
  SPEAKER_07: You know what I mean?
• 11:22
  SPEAKER_06: He made a judgment call on himself.
• 11:25
  SPEAKER_07: He most certainly did.
• 11:27
  SPEAKER_07: Immediately.
• 11:28
  SPEAKER_07: You know what I mean?
• 11:29
  SPEAKER_07: And and there's nothing wrong.
• 11:30
  SPEAKER_07: She she knows how the first date wants to go.
• 11:32
  SPEAKER_07: I want to be able to get dressed up and go someplace cool so I can feel fancy and we can get to know each other on a dinner.
• 11:38
  SPEAKER_07: That's a great first date.
• 11:39
  SPEAKER_07: Just not what he had in mind.
• 11:41
  SPEAKER_06: Just not what he had in mind.
• 11:42
  SPEAKER_06: Just may not have been compatible.
• 11:44
  SPEAKER_07: May not have been compatible.
• 11:45
  SPEAKER_07: Uh judgment call for?
• 11:47
  SPEAKER_06: Oh, both of them.
• 11:49
  SPEAKER_06: Because they both knew what they wanted, and nobody got mad when it was over.
• 11:53
  SPEAKER_06: Well, dad was a little hot, but uh they both judgment call in in favor of both of them.
• 12:00
  SPEAKER_06: What do you say?
• 12:00
  SPEAKER_07: I say judgment call for the daddy.
• 12:04
  SPEAKER_07: Right?
• 12:04
  SPEAKER_07: She called on him and he showed up like an event.
• 12:08
  SPEAKER_07: He was like, This is what we're doing.
• 12:09
  SPEAKER_07: This is not happening.
• 12:10
  SPEAKER_07: You made the right call.
• 12:14
  SPEAKER_07: Judgment call for dads showing up for their daughters.
• 12:16
  SPEAKER_07: You know what I mean?
• 12:17
  SPEAKER_07: Absolutely.
• 12:18
  SPEAKER_07: Absolutely.
• 12:20
  SPEAKER_07: Judgment call.
• 12:22
  SPEAKER_00: I am not taking you out to an expensive dinner for our first date.
• 12:28
  SPEAKER_00: Oh.
• 12:29
  SPEAKER_00: So he says, I've never met you before.
• 12:33
  SPEAKER_00: I have no idea if you even look like your pictures.
• 12:38
  SPEAKER_00: I, for the life of me, don't understand why anyone would only agree to a dinner for the first date with someone they've never met before.
• 12:48
  SPEAKER_00: What if you can't stand the person?
• 12:51
  SPEAKER_00: Is a few bites of meat worth that kind of experience?
• 12:56
  SPEAKER_00: It doesn't happen often, but I met another woman online who was objectively attractive.
• 13:03
  SPEAKER_00: We agreed on a date and time.
• 13:05
  SPEAKER_00: I suggested a few places to meet for drinks by her home.
• 13:09
  SPEAKER_00: And then she mentioned she doesn't drink.
• 13:12
  SPEAKER_00: In her profile, she says she does.
• 13:15
  SPEAKER_00: I recommend a few other ideas like stand-up comedy and then silence.
• 13:22
  SPEAKER_00: I don't mind taking a woman I'm interested in out for a nice dinner, but I've met enough people that I'm either immediately interested in or don't look like take profile.
• 13:36
  SPEAKER_07: Oh, don't look like a little profile pick.
• 13:38
  SPEAKER_07: Uh-huh.
• 13:39
  SPEAKER_00: Uh-huh.
• 13:40
  SPEAKER_00: To know that I don't want to do that as our first meeting.
• 13:44
  SPEAKER_00: What is even the point of all this?
• 13:47
  SPEAKER_06: That's like the polar opposite of the last one we talked about.
• 13:51
  SPEAKER_06: She said there's only one way to be a first date.
• 13:54
  SPEAKER_06: Right.
• 13:54
  SPEAKER_06: And that's dinner.
• 13:55
  SPEAKER_06: A nice dinner where I'm looking cute.
• 13:57
  SPEAKER_06: And this guy, which is a logical position on his part.
• 14:00
  SPEAKER_07: It is absolutely valid.
• 14:02
  SPEAKER_06: Absolutely.
• 14:03
  SPEAKER_06: You spend all that money, and if you don't look like your picture at all, look what I spent my money on.
• 14:10
  SPEAKER_07: Okay, so now we're getting into that dating app etiquette, right?
• 14:13
  SPEAKER_07: What are those what little white lies that are acceptable?
• 14:16
  SPEAKER_07: Because these are the things that make me interesting on an app, but they may not be all that accurate.
• 14:20
  SPEAKER_07: So if you say you don't you drink on the app, but in real life I don't, so the dates don't work for me.
• 14:25
  SPEAKER_06: But you know, I don't see, I guess I see why people tell lies on that thing so they can get a hit.
• 14:32
  SPEAKER_06: But it seems to me you're just prolonging the agony because once you show up looking like you actually look true, that fake picture and that five minutes of oh, oh, she's fine.
• 14:42
  SPEAKER_07: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 14:43
  SPEAKER_07: So we we're working on what we call that um that delayed connection.
• 14:47
  SPEAKER_07: There's a spike thing in your mind where you feel like, okay, okay.
• 14:50
  SPEAKER_07: So yes, yes, I am in fact not six foot five, and I don't look as much like Denzel as I said.
• 14:58
  SPEAKER_07: However, once we go on a date and you get to know me, and you feel like I'm a nice guy, and you kind of you will allow for the fact that I may have fudged a few details here or there, right?
• 15:11
  SPEAKER_07: That's that's how we think will what will happen.
• 15:14
  SPEAKER_07: And so what he's saying is I'm not I'm not investing up front like that because uh and let's be realistic, it's expensive.
• 15:21
  SPEAKER_06: It's very expensive, right?
• 15:23
  SPEAKER_06: And it's it to me, it's a sound decision.
• 15:26
  SPEAKER_06: You know, I seem I'm a runner, aren't I?
• 15:30
  SPEAKER_06: Don't show up, don't go, I leave.
• 15:33
  SPEAKER_07: I wouldn't say I don't I don't see I don't hear runner in that.
• 15:37
  SPEAKER_07: I hear a woman with a set of expectations that she is not willing to compromise for.
• 15:41
  SPEAKER_06: Yeah.
• 15:42
  SPEAKER_07: That's what I hear.
• 15:42
  SPEAKER_06: Because I didn't run from Big E.
• 15:44
  SPEAKER_06: Right.
• 15:44
  SPEAKER_06: And it lasted three decades.
• 15:46
  SPEAKER_07: Exactly.
• 15:46
  SPEAKER_07: So that's not a runner, that's a woman with a clear set of expectations, as she saw, and you're not, and and why should I, why should I settle for anything less than that?
• 15:55
  SPEAKER_07: You know what I mean?
• 15:56
  SPEAKER_07: So for him, listen, man, uh our young folks they don't have the income level that the generation ahead of them have.
• 16:04
  SPEAKER_07: Right.
• 16:04
  SPEAKER_07: Right.
• 16:05
  SPEAKER_07: Uh they are used to getting catfished online, things not being how it is.
• 16:10
  SPEAKER_07: He sounds like he's been burned a few times already.
• 16:13
  SPEAKER_07: He's over it, right?
• 16:15
  SPEAKER_07: I love his internal dialogue as he's rationalizing.
• 16:18
  SPEAKER_07: Why would I do that?
• 16:19
  SPEAKER_07: Why he was like, but is it worth it?
• 16:21
  SPEAKER_07: It's just a few bites of meat.
• 16:26
  SPEAKER_06: That long, interminable evening with somebody you can't stand or doesn't even look like the person that you you asked to go out with.
• 16:34
  SPEAKER_06: He's a very rational dude.
• 16:35
  SPEAKER_06: I say judgment call in his favor.
• 16:37
  SPEAKER_07: Judgment call in his favor.
• 16:38
  SPEAKER_07: He knows the situations where he shines best.
• 16:40
  SPEAKER_07: Right.
• 16:41
  SPEAKER_07: Everybody doesn't do well over dinner, right?
• 16:43
  SPEAKER_07: And a dinner doesn't always allow you the best opportunity to get to know about somebody.
• 16:47
  SPEAKER_07: Sometimes you need to do something, do an activity, and then some true behavior comes through.
• 16:51
  SPEAKER_07: And then we see if we want to do something the second or third time a little more formal.
• 16:55
  SPEAKER_07: So I agree, judgment call for him.
• 16:56
  SPEAKER_03: Yep, absolutely.
• 16:57
  SPEAKER_07: Yeah, yeah.
• 16:59
  SPEAKER_04: Judgment call.
• 17:02
  SPEAKER_03: I left my hinge after five minutes, and I think it's fair.
• 17:06
  SPEAKER_03: This guy sits down, seems completely normal, but then every time a girl walks by, he starts giving her a rating.
• 17:13
  SPEAKER_03: Like number seven, eight, six.
• 17:15
  SPEAKER_03: Like he's an Olympic judge.
• 17:18
  SPEAKER_03: Then he turns to me and goes, I don't usually date blinds.
• 17:22
  SPEAKER_03: Excuse me?
• 17:23
  SPEAKER_03: And he starts reading where I rank compared to those he stated before.
• 17:28
  SPEAKER_03: As if that's supposed to be a compliment.
• 17:29
  SPEAKER_03: Like at one point he goes, You're actually top five.
• 17:33
  SPEAKER_03: Top five?
• 17:34
  SPEAKER_03: Like, no one wants to hear their fourth place.
• 17:37
  SPEAKER_03: Like, would you have walked out too?
• 17:39
  SPEAKER_03: Because that's crazy.
• 17:41
  SPEAKER_07: Are you kidding me?
• 17:42
  SPEAKER_06: Hold of the judgment.
• 17:43
  SPEAKER_06: Just everything was measured.
• 17:46
  SPEAKER_06: She's a seven, she's an eight, she's the you were in the top five.
• 17:52
  SPEAKER_06: That sounds odd.
• 17:54
  SPEAKER_07: Well, it sounds that that's uh I'm gonna give you a psych term that we use.
• 17:58
  SPEAKER_07: That sounds weird.
• 18:01
  SPEAKER_07: Why are you doing that?
• 18:03
  SPEAKER_07: Right?
• 18:03
  SPEAKER_07: In his mind, I think he thought he had a very different human.
• 18:07
  SPEAKER_07: I thought, I think he thought he had a young lady who was gonna respond to the put-downs, the come-downs, the diminishings, and then be more grateful for whatever attention, whatever morsel of attention he started to throw her away.
• 18:21
  SPEAKER_07: I think that's who he thought he had.
• 18:23
  SPEAKER_06: That's an interesting take.
• 18:24
  SPEAKER_06: I thought the boy was just obtuse.
• 18:26
  SPEAKER_06: You know, just like this is how I deal, this is how I do business, this is what this is how I talk, I rate women.
• 18:33
  SPEAKER_06: On a first date?
• 18:35
  SPEAKER_07: As they walk by.
• 18:40
  SPEAKER_06: That's like there's no, there's no rationalizing it and making it sound appropriate.
• 18:45
  SPEAKER_06: You know what I'm saying?
• 18:46
  SPEAKER_06: It's just not.
• 18:47
  SPEAKER_07: That's that's just not.
• 18:48
  SPEAKER_07: That's like me being on a date with a beautiful sister girl and be like, well, you know, I don't normally date black women.
• 18:53
  SPEAKER_07: Black women, right?
• 18:54
  SPEAKER_07: However.
• 18:54
  SPEAKER_07: However, well, where do I go with that?
• 18:57
  SPEAKER_07: Where what what is my point in telling you that?
• 18:59
  SPEAKER_07: Is that am I trying?
• 19:01
  SPEAKER_07: I think we've got one of those guys who thinks he's a master manipulator and is trying to get in her head.
• 19:10
  SPEAKER_07: Trying to get in her head about it.
• 19:11
  SPEAKER_07: Because because you're not normally right on the level that I pick, but you're still in the top.
• 19:18
  SPEAKER_07: But there's but there's something about you that I think I can work with.
• 19:22
  SPEAKER_07: Let's see if you now are gonna try to step up, right?
• 19:26
  SPEAKER_07: And please your king.
• 19:27
  SPEAKER_07: Yeah, that's who I think that.
• 19:28
  SPEAKER_06: That's you who think that was.
• 19:29
  SPEAKER_06: I just think he was obtuse, didn't know how to be on a date.
• 19:34
  SPEAKER_07: Well, I know he's not gonna go on very many, yeah.
• 19:37
  SPEAKER_06: Or very many second dates.
• 19:39
  SPEAKER_06: He might get a lot of first dates, but not many second dates.
• 19:41
  SPEAKER_06: Judgment call in favor of her, she was right to leave.
• 19:44
  SPEAKER_07: Listen, I played basketball in high school.
• 19:46
  SPEAKER_07: You gotta have what they call time and situation always in your head.
• 19:49
  SPEAKER_07: Judgment to her internal clock, telling her five minutes was plenty enough.
• 19:53
  SPEAKER_06: Plenty of time to know exactly what she didn't want to get involved in.
• 19:56
  SPEAKER_07: Come on, come on.
• 19:57
  SPEAKER_07: I'm surprised you said she gave him five minutes.
• 19:58
  SPEAKER_07: She could have gave him three.
• 19:59
  SPEAKER_07: Absolutely.
• 20:00
  SPEAKER_07: Who does that?
• 20:01
  SPEAKER_04: I don't know.
• 20:02
  SPEAKER_04: I don't know.
• 20:03
  SPEAKER_04: This dude.
• 20:05
  SPEAKER_04: Judgment call.
• 20:08
  SPEAKER_00: I, male 26, have been in a relationship with my girlfriend, female 27, for about a year and a half.
• 20:17
  SPEAKER_00: We were living in the same city for the most part of our relationship, but we did do long distance for five months in between.
• 20:25
  SPEAKER_00: And now and again, since a month for at least a few more years.
• 20:29
  SPEAKER_00: I even told her I love her for the first time a month ago.
• 20:34
  SPEAKER_00: She has always been the jealous type.
• 20:38
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes I find it cute.
• 20:40
  SPEAKER_06: Excuse me, you notice he didn't get a response.
• 20:42
  SPEAKER_06: I told her I loved her, and there was no she said it back.
• 20:46
  SPEAKER_06: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 20:47
  SPEAKER_06: I'm sorry, Madison.
• 20:48
  SPEAKER_06: Go ahead.
• 20:48
  SPEAKER_06: That's important to know.
• 20:49
  SPEAKER_06: Yeah, it is.
• 20:50
  SPEAKER_00: Go ahead, Madison.
• 20:51
  SPEAKER_00: Heck, I even get jealous sometimes, but her jealousy is more frequent and can get annoying and restricting.
• 20:59
  SPEAKER_00: The last time we did long distance, I used Bumble BFF to find friends in my new city.
• 21:07
  SPEAKER_00: I got the idea from her.
• 21:09
  SPEAKER_00: I also swiped right on anybody who spoke my mother tongue.
• 21:13
  SPEAKER_00: There were only a few on the date mode.
• 21:17
  SPEAKER_00: She knew about it.
• 21:19
  SPEAKER_00: Now, fast forward to one month ago when I had to change cities again and do long distance.
• 21:26
  SPEAKER_00: I told her I want to install Bumble again to make friends.
• 21:30
  SPEAKER_00: She initially said she was okay with it and even went on to say she wouldn't mind if I use date mode for fun, like just to swipe and not much flirting.
• 21:41
  SPEAKER_00: She then changed her mind and said she wouldn't even be comfortable with the BFF mode.
• 21:48
  SPEAKER_00: She says I agreed to it, but I don't remember agreeing.
• 21:53
  SPEAKER_00: For argument's sake, let's say I did.
• 21:57
  SPEAKER_00: But after I moved, I installed Bumble and Tried out the BFF mode.
• 22:02
  SPEAKER_00: I also had another idea to actually test out the date mode for a month, then show her that I can't get girls even if I tried.
• 22:14
  SPEAKER_07: Oh, read that.
• 22:14
  SPEAKER_07: Let me hear that last statement one more time.
• 22:17
  SPEAKER_07: What now?
• 22:18
  SPEAKER_00: I also had another idea to test out the date mode for a month to show her that I can't get girls even if I tried.
• 22:31
  SPEAKER_00: I'm an average to below average looking guy.
• 22:35
  SPEAKER_00: I know my chances on dating apps, or even in the real world.
• 22:40
  SPEAKER_00: I'm lucky that I got her.
• 22:43
  SPEAKER_00: So I've been using both BFF and date mode for three weeks now.
• 22:49
  SPEAKER_00: I even told the app that I'm bi, even though I'm straight.
• 22:54
  SPEAKER_00: And three weeks I got one match with a guy on BFF, and three matches, all girls on the date mode.
• 23:06
  SPEAKER_00: Only like one chat came out of it.
• 23:09
  SPEAKER_00: Others didn't message or reply.
• 23:12
  SPEAKER_00: I knew this would happen.
• 23:14
  SPEAKER_00: I expected it, and I never hoped for anything more.
• 23:18
  SPEAKER_00: I genuinely didn't want to create new romantic or sexual interests.
• 23:24
  SPEAKER_00: Even the one chat was quite boring.
• 23:27
  SPEAKER_00: I told the girl that I'm only on Bumble to meet new people, and I want to turn off the date mode soon.
• 23:34
  SPEAKER_07: Soon.
• 23:37
  SPEAKER_00: I was going to show all of this to my girlfriend next week when I meet her and prove that there is no line of girls waiting to bang her boyfriend like she imagines.
• 23:49
  SPEAKER_00: Yesterday, out of nowhere, she messages me asking if I'm on Bumble.
• 23:55
  SPEAKER_00: I say yes.
• 23:57
  SPEAKER_00: She was super pissed.
• 24:00
  SPEAKER_00: Her friend apparently found my profile and showed it to her.
• 24:04
  SPEAKER_00: I explained everything and told her that I never had any intention of going on dates.
• 24:10
  SPEAKER_00: And I only did it to show her she doesn't have anything to be jealous of.
• 24:14
  SPEAKER_00: That's right.
• 24:15
  SPEAKER_07: That's right.
• 24:15
  SPEAKER_00: I even sent her screenshots of how empty my inbox is.
• 24:20
  SPEAKER_00: But she's having none of it.
• 24:24
  SPEAKER_00: She says, no girl is dumb enough to believe that.
• 24:29
  SPEAKER_00: And it's so hurtful to find out from a friend.
• 24:32
  SPEAKER_00: She says, I am using her insecurities against her when I have hurt her.
• 24:37
  SPEAKER_00: She is also angry that I lied about it and did it behind her back.
• 24:43
  SPEAKER_00: I agreed and apologized.
• 24:46
  SPEAKER_00: But now she says that this is a problem and she doesn't know how to overcome it.
• 24:52
  SPEAKER_00: And that her trust in me has been broken.
• 24:56
  SPEAKER_00: Am I the asshole?
• 24:58
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know what to do or what to tell her.
• 25:02
  SPEAKER_06: You don't think you're that attractive and can get many women.
• 25:05
  SPEAKER_06: You've got a woman that you like, and you go on on a dating site behind her back.
• 25:11
  SPEAKER_06: Those things don't all come together in the same box.
• 25:15
  SPEAKER_07: Oh, come on now.
• 25:16
  SPEAKER_07: He's just looking for friends who speak his mother tongue.
• 25:22
  SPEAKER_06: I don't know why he would think that she would be okay with that on dating mode, and just to prove that I can't get someone is not what I want.
• 25:32
  SPEAKER_06: I want to prove that you want me and no one else.
• 25:35
  SPEAKER_07: Well, Judge, I mean, uh okay, I'm gonna play devil's advocate here.
• 25:39
  SPEAKER_07: Please do.
• 25:39
  SPEAKER_07: I am literally just trying to lessen your anxiety and your jealousy by proving to you that in fact I am not viable on dating platforms.
• 25:49
  SPEAKER_07: And the only way for me to know that is to test it out.
• 25:53
  unknown: Yeah.
• 25:54
  SPEAKER_06: Well, you can test it out all you want to, but you could test it out without me.
• 26:00
  SPEAKER_06: Listen.
• 26:01
  SPEAKER_06: Doesn't make any sense.
• 26:02
  SPEAKER_06: It doesn't, you do not secure a relationship by going outside the relationship and proving that you can't get anybody else.
• 26:10
  SPEAKER_06: That's just not how you secure it.
• 26:11
  SPEAKER_07: He comes walking into the office.
• 26:12
  SPEAKER_07: You know what I'm gonna prescribe him?
• 26:14
  SPEAKER_07: A pair of oven mitts.
• 26:17
  SPEAKER_07: Because he has no idea the stove is actually hot.
• 26:20
  SPEAKER_07: She told him it's hot.
• 26:22
  SPEAKER_07: You you know I'm jealous.
• 26:24
  SPEAKER_07: You know I don't want you on these apps.
• 26:26
  SPEAKER_07: You know how I get, you've seen it, and I have told you repeatedly, and he still wants to touch the oven.
• 26:35
  SPEAKER_07: So he needs to be an oven because he hadn't learned his lesson yet, and she's about to teach him.
• 26:39
  SPEAKER_06: I think sometimes these days we have such an uh anticipation of immediate gratification that in the moment he was like, What's the harm?
• 26:48
  SPEAKER_06: Right.
• 26:49
  SPEAKER_06: Yeah.
• 26:49
  SPEAKER_06: And it's easy, and she's not gonna see, and I know I can't get anybody anyway, so I can pretend that I can prove it.
• 26:55
  SPEAKER_06: Yeah, but it was really an immediate gratification thing because he wanted to see if he could get something.
• 26:59
  SPEAKER_07: He wanted to see.
• 27:00
  SPEAKER_07: He wanted to see.
• 27:00
  SPEAKER_07: He's curious.
• 27:01
  SPEAKER_07: He's curious.
• 27:02
  SPEAKER_07: I think he's full of it.
• 27:03
  SPEAKER_07: I think he's absolutely full of it.
• 27:04
  SPEAKER_07: And I'm calling, I'm doing the Matthew McConaughey.
• 27:06
  SPEAKER_07: I'm calling BS on that for sure.
• 27:09
  SPEAKER_07: I think he wanted to see what was out there, right?
• 27:12
  SPEAKER_07: The fact that he put it both BFF and romantic mode.
• 27:16
  SPEAKER_07: And look, I I'm just gonna check the buy box.
• 27:20
  SPEAKER_07: I don't, I'm not, but I'm just gonna check.
• 27:22
  SPEAKER_07: Now, isn't that a isn't that a curious thing to add?
• 27:24
  SPEAKER_06: Is that a very curious thing to add?
• 27:26
  SPEAKER_06: Just out there.
• 27:27
  SPEAKER_07: I'm just gonna see.
• 27:28
  SPEAKER_07: We're just gonna see what what happens.
• 27:29
  SPEAKER_07: We're just gonna see what shows up.
• 27:30
  SPEAKER_07: I don't know.
• 27:31
  SPEAKER_07: We're just gonna see.
• 27:32
  SPEAKER_07: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 27:33
  unknown: I remember.
• 27:34
  SPEAKER_06: He needs to put the phone down what he needs to do.
• 27:38
  SPEAKER_07: One of my favorite, I'm a rom com fan.
• 27:41
  SPEAKER_07: One of my I can't remember which one it was.
• 27:43
  SPEAKER_07: Um could have been a Sandra Bullock, could have been a J Lo.
• 27:47
  SPEAKER_07: I can't remember who was in this one.
• 27:48
  SPEAKER_07: But one of the guys in the rom-com said, you know, uh, you know, I've I'm not a perfect guy, I've made a lot of mistakes.
• 27:57
  SPEAKER_07: Um but what I finally realized was I love her so much I can't imagine being the guy who would do anything.
• 28:07
  SPEAKER_07: Breaks her heart.
• 28:08
  SPEAKER_07: Right.
• 28:08
  SPEAKER_07: I can't imagine that.
• 28:09
  SPEAKER_07: Because I don't want to, I don't want to risk any kind of riff in what we have.
• 28:14
  SPEAKER_07: You know, this this he this guy doesn't have that.
• 28:17
  SPEAKER_07: No.
• 28:17
  SPEAKER_07: Right?
• 28:18
  SPEAKER_07: He doesn't have that.
• 28:19
  SPEAKER_07: I I adore this human so much, I would never want to even risk any kind of rift in the relationship just so I can prove something to myself.
• 28:28
  SPEAKER_07: He's not doing it for her.
• 28:29
  SPEAKER_07: Let's just be honest.
• 28:30
  SPEAKER_07: I mean, come on, let's just tell the truth.
• 28:31
  SPEAKER_06: He just wants to see if anybody would want him.
• 28:33
  SPEAKER_06: And he has these opinions about himself that he's not attractive and that he's not a good get and that he doesn't date well.
• 28:39
  SPEAKER_06: And he's looking to see, looking for for confirmation that that that's not true.
• 28:46
  SPEAKER_06: Right.
• 28:46
  SPEAKER_07: Right.
• 28:47
  SPEAKER_06: But and he ain't getting it.
• 28:48
  SPEAKER_06: And he ain't getting it.
• 28:49
  SPEAKER_07: But again, he's about to get confirmation of one other thing.
• 28:52
  SPEAKER_07: His woman knew what he she meant when she said it.
• 28:55
  SPEAKER_07: Stoves are hot.
• 28:59
  SPEAKER_07: Judgment for the oven mitts.
• 29:00
  SPEAKER_07: Get you some.
• 29:02
  SPEAKER_07: Most definitely.
• 29:03
  SPEAKER_07: You're gonna need them.
• 29:05
  SPEAKER_07: Yeah, you are the asshole.
• 29:07
  SPEAKER_07: So, Judge, today we're talking about dating app etiquette and first date scenarios.
• 29:13
  SPEAKER_07: What I would love to do is hear some stories.
• 29:16
  SPEAKER_06: Do you have interesting first date stories or dating app stories that you would like to tell us?
• 29:22
  SPEAKER_07: Please contact us at judgment.call.podcast on IG, slide into our DMs and tell us a story.
• 29:32
  SPEAKER_07: Do you have a dating app story where the person on the app was diametrically opposed to the person that showed up in person?
• 29:41
  SPEAKER_07: I want to hear about this.
• 29:43
  SPEAKER_07: We want to know.
• 29:44
  SPEAKER_07: We want to know.
• 29:45
  SPEAKER_07: So, what did we learn today?
• 29:47
  SPEAKER_07: Well, I think we learned that honesty still matters, right?
• 29:50
  SPEAKER_07: Authenticity is key.
• 29:51
  SPEAKER_07: Yeah.
• 29:52
  SPEAKER_07: Uh, and the less people, the less questions people have to answer about you, the better off you're gonna be.
• 29:57
  SPEAKER_07: Sounds like a good lesson to me.
• 29:58
  SPEAKER_07: Yeah.
• 29:59
  SPEAKER_05: She's seen it all from the bench.
• 30:01
  SPEAKER_05: He's helped couples through it all.
• 30:04
  SPEAKER_05: Now they're making the call on the internet's biggest relationship debates.
• 30:09
  SPEAKER_05: Real relationships, real reactions, real talk.
• 30:14
  SPEAKER_05: This is Judgment Call.