Latest / Pathological Positivity / How To Prevent Screen Time From Becoming Scream Time – with Talmage Erickson – Episode #698
Transcript
- This is Live on Purpose Radio episode 698. How to prevent screen time from becoming screen time with Talmadge Erickson. Now is the only time to create and live the life you love. I'm doctor Paul Jenkins, the positivity psychologist. My job is to connect you to powerful positive psychology principles that immediately upgrade your relationships, business, and mental health. Are you ready? Let's jump in. Hello, everybody. Welcome back to Live On Purpose Radio. This is doctor Paul, the shrink, who expands your life with another episode of Live On Purpose Radio. Joining me today is an author and speaker by the name of Talmadge Erickson. Now I just recently got to know this amazing, brilliant young man who is an excellent speaker and presenter. And then I discovered that he is doing assemblies and keynote presentations for schools and other groups around something that comes up all the time in my practice and in my parent coaching, and it's all about screen time. Tell me Jerickson, welcome to Live on Purpose Radio. Doctor Paul, I I remember when I first met you. I just I saw this smile, and and you couldn't wipe it off your face. And I and I hope to be that one day. I hope to have a permanent smile on my face. And I appreciate you having me on. I'm excited to be here. Well, I think you got a good start on this because every time that you and I chat, Talmadge, I feel elevated. And that is a good indicator to me that you're in a positive energy mode that I think carries forward to the people that you interact with. And I've heard you speak and you are good. I I wish I would have had the kind of sweet skills that you've already developed. And I think you've got a good jumpstart on this, but you are really passionate about screen time. And I would love to just turn it over to you for a minute to talk about why. Why are you so passionate about screen time? Why is it such an important thing for us to be addressing here today? I wanna take you back, doctor Paul, and all the listeners. Let's go back to junior high for Talmadge. I was 14 years old, and I told my dad, I said, dad, you know what time it is. And he goes, is it breakfast? I said, no. It's time for me to get a smartphone. All my friends have smartphones. All my siblings have smartphones. They've all got social media. They've all got games on their phones. Now it's my turn. Mhmm. And so I sat across from my dad in a little one on one meeting, and I said, dad, now's the time. And he said, woah, woah, woah. Let's let's pause real quick. Let's put the brakes on. Talmadge, what if I give you a challenge? Mhmm. I said, okay. What what's the challenge? He said, what if you went all of high school with just a flip phone? And I said, dad, what? You must not love me. What kind of craziness is this? You must not want me to have friends. You must not want me to be social. You don't want me to be popular. You hate me. And we kept talking back and forth, and and my dad had had some experiences with some close friends and family members who struggled with screen time, with pornography, with with this constant connection that we all face. And so he said, Talmadge, let's do this. I wanna challenge you. What if what if you went off high school with just one of those little flip phones? And so after some pushing and shoving, I decided, let's do it. Right before my sophomore year high school, doctor Paul, a little package came in the mail, and there it was, my little slide phone. It's got the little screen on top, the little the little keyboard on the bottom. You flip it up and down. It was amazing. That thing was indestructible. I would chuck it off mountains. I would light it on fire. I'd shoot it with the BB gun. That thing didn't die. And I loved it. I I I fell in love with my little slide phone. And it was interesting because not only would people will come and say, oh my gosh. You... You're the flip phone guy. I started to own it. But, also, they would say, man, I wish I had that. And, Paul, I got a I got a front row seat at maybe some of the struggles kids were having. I had friends that would come up and say, oh my gosh. I I can't I can't stop watching pornography, or, oh my gosh. I I just struggle comparing or or competing or criticizing people on social media. I I get my value from what other people say online. And I I didn't know what to say. I didn't know how to respond. I didn't know how to help because I was the guy with the flip phone. I never had to face any of that tough stuff. And it led me on this journey of of trying to understand, how can we live a life beyond our devices? How can we become digitally disciplined and digitally deliberate so that we can live a fulfilling life? And in this journey, it's been a a few years long of research, of studying, of helping kids, of of speaking, and and getting to this point has been amazing because I've I've been able to lean into this and and hopefully help parents and kids with their with their relationships with technology. I appreciate you're sharing some of the backstory here, Dalmadge, because I've worked with so many kids and teenagers and parents over the course of my career. And remember, I grew up in an era where digital was not a thing. Okay. Just saying I, I'm an old guy. That's what I'm trying to tell you. Talmage. But you grew up in a very different era where we call them phones, but they're really very high powered internet connected digital devices that are actually quite rarely used as a phone. Correct. You happen to have a phone. And you know what? As you were sharing that, I'm thinking, did I consult with Talmadge's parents way back in the day? Because I have told them before, hey, if your kids ask for a phone, give them a phone. Yes. And see what... Because they're usually asking for, like you pointed out, you know, a digital device smartphone that basically is a powerful internet connected piece of equipment that requires, in my opinion, some moral maturity to operate just like a firearm requires a level of moral maturity to operate because otherwise it can be extremely dangerous. And yet the culture nowadays, the expectation, maybe the norm out there is, well, of course everyone has one regardless of their maturity. So that creates some some obvious problems. I think you've you've highlighted a few of those as we've gotten started here today. Yeah. Tell him, I am curious because I know you do assemblies and you do programs to help parents, administrators, teachers, other leaders to have an approach to this that might be a little more, shall we say, friendly. Mhmm. Rather than just, you know, clamping down, hard time on on, access to these digital devices. Where would you start us? As as parents or people who are concerned about this, walk us through it a little bit. What can we do? I wanna focus on the parents first. So many times, Paul, we think about, oh my gosh. My kid or my kid does this. My kid struggles with this. I wanna take an introspective look at your own life and your own screen time. For all the parents out there, how are you doing with your screen time? Wait a minute. Hold on. Now you're talking crazy, tell me. You mean we have to exercise some degree of moral maturity in our own use? It happens so often, and and I'm guilty of this. In fact, we all are. We we think, oh, my gosh. Little Johnny, he just can't handle his screen time. When in reality, parents usually start that that habit. In fact, I know a lot of times we talk about about drugs and alcohol, how how if a parent is more likely to drink or to be addicted, their kids are eight times more likely to do the same. And I would say it applies as well to screen time. If your parent is constantly connected, then your kid is most likely gonna do the same. And so that number one that number one tip, that starting that starting point, that foundation is how are you doing as a parent with your screen time? And then we can start working down to the rest of the family. So I would say, take an introspective look. Are you constantly connected, or do you feel like you can replace that connection with real life connection with your son? And once you could do that, then you can start implementing all these practices as family. So that's the baseline, doctor Paul. Number two is you have to examine some of your routines. Most families don't have a screen time routine. They don't give their kids a phone until... Let's... Let me let me go back real sec. Their daily routine isn't the right routine for screen time. For example, a lot of kids have their cell phones in bed or at night when they sleep. A lot of parents don't have rules in place. A lot of parents don't understand that that a cell phone can be damaging to to mental health because if it creeps into your sleep, sleep is the most important thing we need for for our mental health. And so if you replace that with a screen, you're gonna struggle with a lot of other areas of your life. So having, a routine with your screen time. Is there a time at night where you have all your kids turn in your screens? Is there a place in your house where you have all your kids turn your screens? And then what are you doing after that time as a family to spend time together to get real life connection instead of digital connection? So the screen is not the last thing that they saw, and it's certainly not going to bed with them. Correct. If you could view all of the people that your kids are viewing on the screen and be okay with them going to bed with your child. I mean, and not to be too dramatic, but what are we doing? Right? Okay. This brings something up for me though, Talmadge, because as a professional psychologist, I've consulted with thousands of parents, correct? If they haven't already set a limit around it and they start to think, oh, this is a problem, sometimes there's a hesitance that parents have to jump in and set a limit now, especially if it's a new limit, if it's something that the kids aren't used to. Any suggestions there? Doctor. Paul, you ever seen the movie, the Grinch? Oh, yeah. Grinch who stole Christmas. Yeah. In my opinion, in every Christmas story, sometimes there has to be a Grinch. And I'm not suggesting that parents turn all green and hairy, but I'm saying, if you want your kid to truly be the kid that they can become, sometimes you're gonna have to be a little bit Grinchy when it comes to screen time. And so, you'll thank us later, but put those put those rules in force as soon as you can. You're never too late. Even though they might be, far gone in some other digital habits, it's never too late to start now. And it starts with you. If you make a rule, hey. No screens or phones at the dinner table. You set the rule. You become the rule, and then you live the rule and make sure it's enforced. And so I I think parents are so worried about maybe losing their relationship with their kid, but it tends to more be a short term one. Because in the long run, if your kid is more connected to you, then you can have a better relationship instead of being connected to a screen. Does that make sense? What I'm hearing from that is be the parent. Be the parent. Be the parent. We want to be our kids' friend sometimes. But you know what? Our kids already have friends. We need to be their parent. And I'm not saying you shouldn't be friendly, but parents are the ones who set the limits that allow the kids to feel safe and loved and connected real time with real people. That I think falls under the PA parental responsibility. And, you know, when you were saying earlier that we get to take a look at our own habits as parents, parenting is the number one personal development program on the planet. And sometimes we train our kids as very young children that we would prefer to defer to a screen. You know, I mean the the famous digital babysitter. I'm not saying we should never let our kids watch screens, but I think it has become too easy for us as parents to defer some of our our own responsibility to connect with our kids to the screens, the the shows, the programs, the games, the social media, because it it really does capture their attention. And then that reinforces the parent by, you know, oh, the kid is quiet. Whew. You know, it feels like this this release or, there's no longer this burden of having to supervise my child. And that's not every parent, but I think that we fall into that trap sometimes as parents. And then that can inadvertently set this standard that digital screens need to be in front of us all the time. Yeah. I agree. I think the point you made is is important. Understanding that the child doesn't own the phone. The parent owns the phone. Think of it as a landlord Oh. Someone who's leasing the apartment. The landlord has all the rules. They have the ownership of the property, and then you, as the leaser or the person who's taking over the contract, agrees to abide by some of those rules. And if not, you get evicted. And so as a parent, understanding, hey, I'm the landlord. And and and, again, you come up with your own screen time rules. We'll give you some suggestions. But having the the the tenant or your son or daughter understanding and abiding by those rules, it can be powerful. You know what? I had a consultation just a couple of days ago with a 15 year old and his mom, and it was about screen time. Mom, of course, is lobbying for less. The kid doesn't see all the reasons why there should be less. I mean, he's enjoying it. It's engaging. And so that created a little bit of a conflict. But there's another party here we need to be aware of. Mhmm. And that is the game designers, the social media platforms. They all run on algorithms that are designed to keep your eyes on it. So here's this 15 year old boy who is trapped between mom trying to get his eyes off of it and the platforms themselves trying to keep his eyes on it. And he is torn in the middle. Can you just address that a little bit from your perspective? I would love to hear your thoughts on that. I think it's such a great question, and a lot of people are doing some amazing things politically to attempt and and try and just mitigate some of those hard practices that that big tech companies have put into place to capture our attention. I think it goes back to the brain. We're we're wired for survival. We're not wired for instant gratification. And the point is these big tech companies have learned how to exploit the instant gratification and that instant shot of dopamine to the reward center in these kids, and it's almost impossible. I say almost because it's it's... It can be done to to take attention away from it, but it's almost impossible because everything else in life seems so boring. If I if I can get a quick hit from playing video games for an hour instead of doing my chores, I'm gonna play video games because my brain is wired to to desire and to want that motivation and that hit of in the reward center, but I don't wanna go out and have to work for it. I want it instantly. Mhmm. Parents are up against something that's been brewing and something that's been building and something that's been designed for the past decades. And it's hard because Yes. They're up against billion dollar tech war... Warlords that have learned how to exploit that. And so I... My heart goes out to them. I I feel to mention this something here. I think part of my job, Talmadge, is to illuminate the obvious. Yep. Which is cool because I get paid to tell people things they already know. But there are obvious things that we don't always notice. And here's something that I would invite you, dear listener, as you're listening to this, who are you thinking of? Your teenager, maybe yourself, Maybe your spouse? Maybe all of your kids? As you are thinking about this topic that Talmadge and I are discussing here today, if you're not paying for it, then you are the product. You're what's being sold. Now I've shared this with a few teenagers and they're like, Wait, what? You mean like a slave? And I'm like, Kind of. If you're not paying for it, And they're playing a video game, for example. Okay. And they're a little annoyed because every so often they have to stop and watch an ad. Why? Because they're not paying for it. Guess who is? The advertisers. And so the game developers or the social media platforms, it's really similar on both, are designing. And I don't think they do this in an evil or malicious way. You know, I think you referred to them as warlords. I don't know. Maybe. But really what they're doing is trying to ensure the biggest return on their development investment to develop the game or the platform. And the biggest return comes from the advertisers who are paying for it. So now their job is to keep your eyes glued to the screen. I have found that sometimes when we as parents or as teenagers understand that dynamic, Sometimes just understanding that helps us to have a stronger why for managing our social media or our digital consumption a little more responsibly. And I know that you're a big advocate for digital health, for approaching this in a way that preserves not only our own health and mental health, but also our key relationships so that it doesn't detract from those damage. As we get to the end of our conversation today, what would you recommend that people do? In fact, I think you've got a resource for us too. Mhmm. Can you tell us a little bit about that? Yeah. We... It's our free digital screen guide. And what it does, it just gives you a a simple acronym we've come up with. It is SCREEN, s c r e e n. And it gives you some... A framework for you to implement some digital strategies in your own home. It talks about things like having the codes to some of the technology in your household. It talks about, separating your phone from you. It talks about rest periods and recovery periods about... Talks about making habits for everyone and easy. And it gives you some simple tips that you can implement in your house. And that's cool because sometimes we get overloaded. We we feel like technology is this, this this bomb that's about to go off in our home, and we have to do every single thing to tame it. No. You just have to do a few simple things. I think the biggest thing I would say, doctor Paul, if if our listeners are are just searching for one thing to implement, and that is make it a rest period. Every week on Sundays in my family growing up, my dad would say, alright. Everyone bring the technology. We'll put it in the drawer. And so on Sundays, we'd put our technology in the drawer, and we'd have a full day of just detox. And keep in mind, I grew up with five brothers. So not that we didn't stay out of trouble beating each other up in wrestling, but we stayed out of out of digital trouble. And I think that's important for parents to understand that there has to be some rest periods so that there can be some recovery digitally. So it could be a Monday night. It could be a Wednesday morning. It could be a all day Saturday. Whatever you wanna implement, make time for some recovery and rest so that your family can get back to to some connection. Love that. And I love that you and your team are making this so accessible, so simple, so easily implemented. So this, resource that Talmadge mentioned, folks, you can go to Live On Purpose Radio. That's the name of the show. Liveonpurposeradio.com/screentime. All one word, screen time. Liveonpurposeradio.com/screentime. And that resource is yours. It's a PDF that'll open right up for you when you go to the link and then connect with Talmadge and, find ways that you can implement this in your own family and in your community. Talmadge, is there anything else you would love to share with our listeners before we sign off today? Technology is a wonderful advancement, and I'm gonna be the first to say it. Technology has blessed my life in so many ways. I'm able to call my family from a different state. Mhmm. I'm able to get in touch with my nieces and nephews in a different state. I'm able to to really talk to the people and connect virtually. But you have to understand that that real connection isn't virtual. Real connection is one on one. It's face to face. It's in person. It's looking people in the eye, letting them know how much you love them. Really, real connection is is living beyond the screen. And that's the last thing I would say, Doctor. Paul, is just take five minutes and put it down. Talk to your kid, talk to your spouse, let them know you love them, and then you can pick it up later. But just take some time to drop it down. And now that you've listened to this podcast, the next thing that you might want to do is exactly what Talmadge just invited you to do. You guys, we've heard it. Let's go implement it. It's time to live on purpose. Did you get what you came for? Give yourself the gift of taking real action on what you realized today. Please share this episode with someone you know would value it, and leave us a rating too. It's time now to live on purpose.