Latest / Pathological Positivity / Kill Complacency with Marty Hofmann – Episode #719
Transcript
- This is Live On Purpose Radio, episode 719, Kill Complacency with Marty Hoffman. Now is the only time to create and live the life you love. I'm doctor Paul Jenkins, the positivity psychologist. My job is to connect you to powerful positive psychology principles that immediately upgrade your relationships, business, and mental health. Are you ready? Let's jump in. Hello, everybody. Welcome back to Live On Purpose Radio. This is doctor Paul the shrink who expands your life with another episode of Live On Purpose Radio. Joining me on the mic today is an author and specialist on happy living. His name is Marty Hoffman, and Marty wrote a book called Kill Complacency that I've spent a little time with over the last several days, and I'm excited to have this conversation. Welcome to the show, Marty. Thank you, Paul, for having me here. This is, gonna be fun. I think so. We're going to dive into the book a little bit. But before we do that, Marty, I always like to get a little bit of the backstory because there's some reason that you wrote this thing, and you reveal some of that in the book itself. But I would just love to turn the mic over to you for a minute to share a little bit of the backstory. Why did you write this? Why is this so near and dear to your heart? Yeah. You know, the kind of the premise behind it was I just really wanna make the world a better place. And I I in looking back at my life when I hit maybe 40, thirty eight forty, I realized that a lot of the success I had in life stem from the compound effect of consistently doing the right thing or showing up. Yeah. And with that, you know, I wanted I wanted to I honestly wanna start a podcast, and I wanted to add value back to people. But you can't call it the intentional podcast. Right? Like like, that's like a New Year's goal. Like, I'm gonna be better this year. So Yeah. I sat down with a whiteboard and my daughter, and we came up with kill complacency because it's the opposite of of the intentionality that we that we strive for. And so that's really where it was born from. It's just that wanting to give back to the world and try to inspire the world, listeners, because it started with the podcast, inspire the listeners to realize that they are capable of so much more, and it's a matter of killing complacency. It's not a one and done. It's a it's a struggle, and it's a daily sometimes minute by minute. So I was what popped into my head is this is not an event. It's a process. Yes. Right? It's not a destination. It's a journey. Yes. And I think you're pretty clear about that in the book. I this idea of complacency. Now that's a $10 word. Mhmm. You gave us a little bit of a definition already by saying it's the opposite of of intentionality. And, obviously, the name of our show here is Live on Purpose Yes. Radio. Complacency. It seems to me that this is almost a passive acceptance of status quo, which it steals or kills, maybe to use this word again, it kills productivity. It kills purpose. It kills intention. Mhmm. It just kind of dies a quiet passive death on the side. These these are the things that are coming to my mind. Tell us a little bit more about your concept of complacency. What that is and why it's so threatening to our well-being, our happiness. And I think, you know, oftentimes, I I think about that frog that gets boiled. Right? Mhmm. The frog doesn't get boiled by getting in boiling water. He gets boiled little by little. And that's what complain you know, turning the temperature up little by little. And and him going from cold to lukewarm to to hot to boiling. And that's what complacency does for us is when we get complacent, when we fall into the complacent life, and we and we get away from living on purpose. Right? Then we then we slowly get boiled and we and we and we look back at our life and we suddenly realize, where did my family go? Where did my fitness go? Where did my finance go? Like, like, all these all these things that I say are important to me, my my life is reflecting that they're not. And it's it's that complacency that that slow boil. Another word I use a lot is drift. You know, you just fall into the default mode of, same old, same old. And as especially Paul, I believe, as Americans, we have tremendous opportunity to go out there and get it, whatever it is, finances, fitness, you name it, like we live in the land of opportunities. And but a lot of times, we just are like that frog sitting in that pot with the temperature slowly going up, missing out on living on purpose and living, living our full potential and living that living that life that we could have. Right. It's been quietly stolen away from us Mhmm. By this complacency. Yeah. You mentioned drift, Marty, and that that brought to mind my son is an aviator. He's Okay. He's a first officer for United Airlines. And in this big seven thirty seven that he flies, There's a lot of computers and navigational equipment in there to keep it on course, but it's never really on course. It's drifting in and out of course because it's in the air for Pete's sake, Right? It's not on rails like a train, but it's going this particular direction. It needs to have a particular course to get there. And if it were to drift just one degree off course, After 500 miles, it's gonna be in a whole other state. Sure. Maybe a whole other country. So course corrections are needed, and that's what came to my mind as you were talking about drift. I think, you know, whatever we intend, whatever our intended goal is is going to require some intentional directional effort. Right? Drifting off is going to happen. Yeah. I think welcome to Earth. Right? I mean, it's going to happen. And I think for sure we're gonna drift. I mean, there's gonna be times where we need to correct. But Yeah. Like your son with that that as a pilot, he knows he's trying to get to x airport x y z. Yeah. And that's the goal. But a lot of times, we we fail to set the goal. We we sell to have the target. And then we fail to check-in with our instruments or our journal or whatever and say, how am I doing? Am I am I losing the weight? Am I am I putting money into savings? You know? Am I am I still on course to hit the target, to hit the goal, or am I drifting? And is that drift becoming one degree, two degree, three degree off? And before long, like, we're completely off track. In a place we didn't plan to be. Yeah. We didn't. We didn't. Yeah. And we're that frog that got boiled and Yeah. And now we live a life of regret. You know, to the point of the course corrections, I'm looking at just the right in the first part of your book, you presented this as as three sacred questions. And it's really a way to to check our course. Yes. Right? And and it says here, it I it says, you said Marty, you wrote the book. Is this choice going to move me toward my goal or goals? Yeah. Good question. Because if it's not moving me toward any goals, why am I doing it? Yeah. I might I may have drifted. I don't know. Question number two, will I regret this later? How many times, Paul, how many times have we been in an argument with our loved one and wisdom has told us don't say it? You know what? At the time of this recording, Marty, I'm doing an event called the emotional freedom challenge, and we're getting together every day for five days to just try to reclaim our emotional freedom because we get hijacked by emotion. Yeah. Right? And I'm thinking about some of my clients, friends, even myself. You know, when when you get overrun by some emotion and you say something in anger or whatever, right? I'm thinking of a client who sent a nasty text to her daughter. And it's like, what? Right? Are you gonna regret that late? Am I going to regret this later? Maybe we need to pause and not respond until the adrenaline's gone. Right? Yeah. But then your third question is what would my future self say? And I I'm gonna invite you to talk about this for a minute because future self is one of your seven f's Yes. That give a little structure to how we're going to kill complacency. Talk about that for a minute. What is this future self idea? Yeah. So the future self is is who we're striving to be come in the future. It's the it's the life we want to have. Like, when we sit down and think this is what I wanna do. This is who I wanna be. That's your future self. And we do that by learning and growing and doing these things. But if we can ask ourselves, like, am I gonna regret this job? In the future, is this leading me toward my goals? Like, if my future self, kinda like a parent, were to give me advice right now, would they recommend I do x y z? Mhmm. Or would they say, you know what? That's just a road bump, and it's probably not worth pursuing pursuing that or or sending that text or saying that thing or whatever. So if you can instead of instead of just living in our present, like, how do I feel right now? Like, your example on the text, our emotions. If we can if we can train ourselves to think, my future wiser self, what would they be advising me to do right now and say right now? Yeah. It can save you a lot of trouble. You know, I love the the image of this because your future self really is the person who already has what you're striving to achieve. Yes. And so they're looking back from this position of perspective and wisdom. And not just knowledge. See, wisdom is knowledge combined with experience. Mhmm. They've earned it. Right? And here they are and they see what you're doing, what would they say about this? And I picture that future self also being grateful to you now, today, for having the courage and the fortitude and whatever is required to make the hard decision now because they already have everything that you're striving to achieve right now. So I I just love that perspective, that idea. Marty, you've got seven f's that you focus on in the book and some of them immediately come to my mind at least, you know, faith, family, fitness, finance. And I think you started with those four. Were you saying that Yeah. Before we we got on the on the mic here. You've got three others, friends, future self, which we just talked about, and fun. I'm glad you added that one. That was a last minute ad, honestly. Because I I I struggle with Really? I struggle with that one, Paul. Honestly. Because I just wanna work. I just wanna go. I just wanna achieve. Yeah. But I I have a hard time resting. I have a hard time relaxing and enjoying life. Mhmm. And so but I know I need it. Like, if you think about the regrets of the dying Mhmm. That's gonna be one. Everyone's gonna wish they had had more fun with their loved ones or had had more experiences with themselves. You know? Not that they spent more time at the office. Yeah. Or or in the fitness room or saving. Like, everyone wants to use their money for great experiences. At least I hope they do. So Yeah. With people who really matter to them. Yes. And you've got family, friends, that's all in there as well. To that point, Marty, you know, I've worked with a lot of people who are very successful in business. Mhmm. And realize that that for them has been a hiding place. Mhmm. Or a place where, the complacency actually crept in and took over faith and family and and even friends. And the only people they even know, they know through the office. And so and it's not to say that that's not important. I think productivity and having a purpose where you can meaningfully contribute to the well-being of your fellow humans. I mean that's what business is. Right? Yeah. But we can get sucked into that idea that achievement is all I'm here for. Mhmm. I have to accomplish this or achieve that. And maybe that comes from our programming, our upbringing. I don't know. I was raised in a culture and environment that achievement was important, get good grades, get a good job, you know, contribute to society. But there has to be a deeper purpose beyond that. Right? And that's what I think your your Well, there seven f's get to. Otherwise, those achievements are hollow, and they feel empty. And Yeah. Yeah. Unsatisfying. And we we get x y z. We do whatever it is, whether it's a finance goal or fam whatever it is. And and we get to the end and we're like, is that it? But if we can incorporate fun into it along the way and celebration and rest and, you know, restoring our souls, like, that journey along the way of the pursuit of that thing becomes so much better and grander. You know, and I was just remembering a a study that I encountered. This was earlier in my career when I was I had a a general outpatient psychotherapy practice working mostly with kids, adolescents, and parents. And and I encountered this study that said there's two things that are required in order for you to have authority. Now this is going a little different direction, but this, I think, was interesting. To have authority, because sometimes parents are like, because I'm the parent. That's why. Yeah. Well, that doesn't fly for long. And we're still at three or four. Right, and then they start realizing, hey, I've got some sovereign agency here too. The two things that are required for authority, you have to be able to set and enforce appropriate limits. Okay. So that's all about discipline. Kids need that. Parents provide it. We don't control the other humans on the planet, except for our kids. But that's only temporary. Right? Sometimes we get lulled into this sense of false control because we're the parent. Right? But that doesn't give us authority. You have to be able to set and enforce appropriate limits. And the other part, you have to be seen as a provider of good times and good things. I think it's the fun factor. You think about even as an adult, you know, people that you've worked for, for example. If they don't have both, they don't really have authority. Correct. Being seen as a provider of good times and good things, which implies that you're able to have a good time. I think it's more important than we may have assumed back when we were trained, taught, and educated to just work hard. Put your nose down and work hard. Big fan of work. I'm not saying it's bad. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. No. I agree. But I'm glad you added fun. That's what I'm trying to say, Marty. Yeah. We need more of it. We need more of it. And I I know there's an extreme to that, but I guess when when when I you know, we talk about the circle of life, and nobody wants to be a flat tire where we're good on finances and fitness and whatever. Mhmm. But we never have any fun, and our family is gone. Right? You know, we don't wanna be that flat tire. You wanna be well rounded. And so that's what I realized in in writing that book and putting it together was Yeah. We gotta have more fun. I need to have more fun. Writing is a really good personal development activity, isn't it? Makes you think. That's how you get your thoughts. I I now now fall out. Say it. I say, hey. Just let me go journal for a little bit. I need to get some thoughts out because it's so good for you. Yeah. Well, it gets it into a place where it's also editable. Mhmm. And that was an interesting thing that I found. I've I've written three books so far. There's more. I mean, you can't stop at some point, but Yeah. It gets easier. You realize, oh, I can do this. But getting those thoughts out, but also that allows you to manipulate those thoughts a little bit and to test them. Is this really true? Or maybe to ask your three sacred questions. You know, does this really move me toward my goals? Yes. Am I going to regret this later? And what would my future self say about this? When it's out of your ethereal thoughts and onto a medium that you can actually edit Yes. I don't know. It gives you a little bit of a higher sense of control over those Yep. Thoughts. Well, Well, and sometimes we say things. I don't know if you ever do this dictated text. Mhmm. And and and you look down and you're like, that is not what I meant. And I'll I a lot of times, I'll erase it and I'll text it. I'll write it because of the process of thinking through the words as you put them on put them into a text. Right. So what's the payoff, Marty? If we if we really get intentional, if we kill complacency, what comes about in our life? What's the promise? And we live a life of purpose. We we know what we're shooting for, and we we don't have the regrets that we will if we just drift and become that frog that gets boiled and gets to the end of our life and looks back and realizes we haven't changed in thirty, forty years. You know? And so that's the payoff is we can live the life that we think is impossible if we'll show up consistently doing the thing, aiming for the target, just like your son's as a pilot. Mhmm. You know, he's he's got a direction he's going. And, yes, he may drift and he may come out come out of the clouds over a storm or under the clouds to avoid the storm. Right. But he's always on course. He's always thinking about where he's going, and he's always correcting back to that. So I remember one of my coaches said, course corrections help you avoid forced corrections. That's good. And Write that down. Earlier in my career, I actually consulted at a correctional facility once. I know what forced corrections can look like. Yeah. You know, it brings about that captivity, which is opposite of freedom. Mhmm. So course corrections help you avoid forced corrections. Mhmm. Well, that makes me think of Covey's illustration, you know, important on urgent. Yeah. Where where you need to spend our time. But oftentimes, we we end up being in the important urgent because we didn't spend time there. And it's that forced correction. You know, we're suddenly responding to a a doctor visit when we could have been picking some supplements and avoiding it. You pay for your health now or later. Mhmm. Sometimes both. Wow. Well, Marty, thank you so much for contributing here today. I want to remind all of the listeners, as you're listening in, you get a hold of Marty's book. It's called Kill Complacency. And I think they can find that through your website too, can't they, Marty? Website or Amazon. Yeah. Well, on Amazon. I mean, what can't you buy at Amazon? Kill Complacency by Marty Hoffman. Now you can go to marty hoffman dot com. That's one f two n's in the word Hoffman and and connect with the other things that Marty's doing there. Marty, what's what's a final thought that you wanna share with our audience before we turn them loose? Yeah. My final thought would just be to, yeah, live that life of purpose. Go out there and do it. And don't get defeated with your limiting thoughts and maybe old habits. Like, we can change all those things, and we can be I'm a completely unrecognizable person. Just one step at a time. One day at a time, one decision at a time. But it all starts with killing complacency and having that goal and going for it. Yeah. And the book will help. It's really a a very practical approach to that. Well, thank you Marty Hoffman. And for all of you who are listening, we've heard it. It's time to go apply it. Let's go live on purpose. Did you get what you came for? Give yourself the gift of taking real action on what you realized today. Please share this episode with someone you know would value it, and leave us a rating too. It's time now to live on purpose.