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The Manual Nobody Gave Me · The Astrology of it all

• Jakayla Snipes: So I want to tell you something that has changed the way I understand my entire life. And I need you to hear in the way I heard it, not as a diagnosis update, not as some neat little self-help reframe, but as the moment I realized I had been apologizing for the wrong thing for over 30 something years. So I'll have ADHD if I can even talk. And I've known that. That's not a revelation. I've been diagnosed. I've taken the Adderall. I've understood it the way most people understand it. You know, like I'm scattered. I lose focus. I start things. Definitely don't finish them. I need list reminders, list for the reminders, reminders for the list. I need a structure or everything falls apart. And that's what I've always been told ADHD is, right? I know there's a little bit more, but I've never really driven to, well, I've known about it, but it hasn't clicked, I guess. But before that, you mostly just associate it as a focus problem, an attention problem. She is smart, but she needs to apply herself problem. I even just kind of got told that at work. I was like, how here? Now? Now? I'm still getting the same. It makes me feel like, Chicaela, you're not growing. But nobody really, I guess I've gotten deep into that I've understood, be able to understand. And what hasn't clicked until embarrassingly recently is that ADHD is really not an attention disorder. Apparently it's actually the most misleading name in psychiatry if I even said that right. But what ADHD actually is at a neurological level is a dysregulation of the systems in your brain that handles executive function. And executive function, I'm coming to know, isn't just can I sit down and do my homework, but it includes your emotional regulation. And I've always known that it does, but I've never really put executive function and emotional regulation in like the same exact boat, I guess. But you know, like the impulse control, the working memory, the ability to modulate your response to things. Attention is apparently one of the output of the system, like one of the things, but it's not the whole system. Someone said to call ADHD, you call attention deficit hyperactivity disorder. He said, is like calling a whole house electrical failure, a lamp problem, because the lamp was the first thing you notice wasn't working. It's like, okay, my emotions, ADHD, my intensity. ADHD, I realized the way I, the way and why I feel everything at full volume before my thinking brain even clocks it. ADHD. I love hard. I fall fast all the way. I can't modulate it. ADHD. For me, rejection doesn't just sting me. It levels me like someone literally reached inside my chest and pulled and that's rejection sensitivity. I can't say the last word. Dysphoria, I think it is. Maybe I got that right. but it's also an ADHD thing and not, guess, technically acknowledged by the DSMV, but it is a thing, I think. But like, that's an ADHD thing, not a dramatic thing, not a too sensitive thing, not a you need to calm down thing, a neurological thing. My brain literally processes social rejection with the same intensity that other brains process physical pain and it does it. without the buffer that would soften the impact. So I'm not overreacting. I'm feeling the actual feeling my brain generates. It's just that my brain generates more feeling than the situation might seem to call for by everyone else's standards. And so when the world told me to calm down, I've learned to mask. And that mask kind of becomes the whole performance. But here's the thing, I didn't get to this understanding the way you might think. I have read about this before, like on Pinterest, I have saved pens about rejection RSD. That's what they also call it. RSD. I followed Instagram for RSD. I have followed the ADHD, like alien ADHD alien. And I've read all of them. I haven't saved, but it just never really clicked the way it clicked. And it's weird because I really didn't get here through TikTok. The path is kind of weirder than that. actually when I think about it, it was more mine. I got here through astrology. So I run a business called Cosmically Created, where I do readings, mainly for free, but we'll get there one day. I built what I called, or have built, is turned into seasonal blueprints, okay? They're kind of like these deep comprehensive chart analysis that maps a person's natal chart through the lens of seasonal survival strategies. So a lot less of you're Pisces, so you're dreaming creative and meaning more of the actual mechanics. What season were you born into? What did the conditions of that season teach you of your nervous system before your conscious mind had any say? How do those survival strategies show up in the way you attach, regulate, and the way you fall apart and put yourself back together? I really kind of built this framework over time because traditional astrology language has rarely landed fully for me. It's always felt a little too abstract, a little too detached from the body. It kind of created something for me, honestly. I wanted to know why people do what they do, not just what archetype they correspond to, which is the personality box that will put them in of their sign. Aries is impulsive, Taurus is slower, Gemini is faster, Cancer is mothering, Leo is attention. You know what I'm saying? But instead I wanted to start thinking about the zodiac in the sense of like a map of the solar year. What does late winter actually feel like in the body? What does early spring demand on the nervous system? What happens when someone's inner world runs on one season, but their outer presentation runs on another? You see, I've been building this for my business and I've been reading people's charts through this framework and it's working. You know, I've sent it to some people and some people have said they have seen themselves in ways that they hadn't before. And then I really started looking at my own. actually hadn't really started coming through minds with my own chart. And I, let me, guess if you're with me, let tell you what I saw. So my rising is sun is in Virgo, right? Which is late summer. That's my entry climate. How my body meets the world before I've thought about it. Late summer is correlated with the pre-harvest season. Everything is about output assessment and scanning for flaws. Sounds similar to Virgo? Cause it is. Virgo rising, it doesn't relax. It optimizes before engaging. So my first instinct in any room is to assess what's working and what is not. and then adjust my behavior in real time and to present as contained, alert, and controlled. And if I feel threatened, I micromanage, I self-correct, or I withdraw. And I will blame myself before I blame anyone else, always. This is my front door and this is what people see. But my sun, my moon, my Mars, and my Saturn, four planets, four of the most significant forces in a chart are all in Pisces, which is late winter, the season dissolution. Boundary collapse, emotional exhaustion, the part of the year when the land is so tired that form itself starts to break down so the cycle can begin again. So my emotional thermostat, my drive system, my discipline structure, and my core identity all run on late winter's logic to absorb and to feel everything and to lose the boundary between yourself and the other person. To merge is relief, to escape into imagination when reality gets too sharp. So the picture is kind of this, my outer self, when you walk up to me. I'm kind of like a filing cabinet. Got me some neat labels, some clean edges. I've been the dork to be in ⁓ New York City in Times Square. And I got some, what you call that stuff? ⁓ Whiteout, I got some whiteout for you. I don't know why it's in my bag, but I got some whiteout for you. ⁓ And I feel like I'm organized and put together. Got, you know, my little fanny pack all organized. But then my inner self, you look inside that fanny pack, don't look inside that fanny pack. It is an ocean. We probably got some spilled cheeses to the side. I don't, I don't, I can't. We got a Chi Chi bottle, maybe a half Adderall. Is that a sertraline? Or am I trying to present? Like who knows what's up in there, okay? Cause this is an ocean, it's boundaryless, it's porous, it's feeling. what you're feeling before you even said a word and nobody, if they look at the filing cabinet has any ideas about that ocean. And so one time I wrote in the client's chart, you know, she's my friend, I'm gonna call her client. I thought I was kind of describing her, right? When I wrote it in my own, I realized I was describing the mask I had been wearing since childhood, not metaphorically, but literally, that my Virgo Rising is the mask. It's the late summer survival strategy that's to scan the room, find the flaws, optimize your presentation, earn your place through usefulness, underneath it, the Pisces, everything is drowning and feeling an absorption and the total inability to even hold a boundary. I realize that's not just astrology. That's ADHD masking described in a different language. And in kind of went deeper than that, when I looked at the aspects of relationships between the planets in my chart, I found a conjunction. Moon, Mars, Saturn, all sitting on top of each other in Pisces. And a conjunction means those energies can't be separated. When one fires, basically, they all be firing together, okay? So my moon is my emotional regulation system. It runs on late winter. It absorbs everything. Under pressure, it merges. with whatever it's feeling and it can't distinguish between its own pain and everyone else's. Then my Mars is my drive system, also in Pisces, under threat. Now my Aquarius is Mercury. When I'm talking, y'all know what it is, Mercury and Aquarius, I love that placement for me. It's one I enjoy the most. But anyway, my Mars is my drive system, also in Pisces, under threat. It doesn't fight clean. That Mars, it absorbs, it redirects, it goes passive aggressive, and it erupts in ways that look disproportionate. because all that absorbed energy has to go somewhere. In Saturn, Saturn is sitting right on top of both of them. In Saturn, there's discipline, limitation, the authority that says to contain yourself. And in my chart, Saturn conjunct my moon, it literally describes a childhood where I spent and learned to suppress my emotions because the environmental and emotional environment taught me that my emotions are too much. And the reading said, and I wrote this, I'm quoting my own work here. You internalize the message that your emotions were too much, that you needed to contain yourself and that vulnerability was dangerous. For someone else's chart, I wrote that, but I have that exact same placement. So I kind of wrote about my own chart. And then I ended up reading an article about ADHD, emotional dysregulation, and it said almost the exact same thing. except in clinical language, that kids with ADHD learn early to master emotional intensity because socially they get punished basically, that the suppression almost becomes automatic, that by adulthood the mask is so integrated that you can't tell what it stops and you start. So the astrology and the neuroscience were describing the same architecture to me at least. They were just using different words. And that's when it kind of just hit me, not intellectually, but in my body. The chart I had been reading as my cosmic design was also mapping my neurological wiring. Because once I was writing stuff in someone else's that was like very prevalent and relevant to me before I was just thinking like, ⁓ what's the fun of looking into my own chart deeper? Like, I already know what it was, which is so I don't even know. It such a me thought to think. But I realized that the emotional flooding, the rejection sensitivity, the inability to regulate in real time, the masking, the people, please, and the performance of competence while drowning underneath. The was describing all of that. The seasonal framework I built to help other people understand their nervous systems had just explained mine. And for the first time, the ADHD diagnosis stopped being about focus and became about the whole system. So let me tell you about the mask. Girls with ADHD are socialized different. Boys externalize. They're loud. They're disruptive. They get noticed. Girls... internalized, we learn very early that our natural intensity, impulsiveness, the volume of our emotions, our scattered focus, all of that socially gets punished. And then let's not even talk about white girls, okay? But, black or white, we both a mask. We become the good student, the easy child, the one who holds it together. We develop this constant social monitoring of reading the room, adjusting, performing normalcy that is genuinely exhausting, but it looks effortless from the outside. And now the interesting thing with me is the fact that I was a mixture of both. And we're not going to get too deep into this today, but. I don't know, I think there's some correlation of, because I there's inattentive, inattentive, there's like different forms within each, like for ADHD. ⁓ I think there's like some conversation about like, why is it the ones that, because apparently this is true, that the ones who are more, I think attentive is more hyperactive version, tend to be less of that as adults. And I think it's because of the way the mask goes on. So I would just kind of like, when I was younger, curate the mass kind of like I have my church mass, which wasn't really a mass, but was instead of mass for me was more like levels of how much to Kayla I would be bringing to the energy or to the atmosphere. And I would temper that and adjust that temperature by what group I was in. was with a certain group of friends from church. We'd be a little bit chiller, a little different, maybe a little more loose or maybe a little bit more jokey, which I still, which to some degree is just reading the room and knowing what's appropriate and what's not appropriate. But And now that I'm an adult, I'm realizing how much unlearning there is to do from that. But anyway, when I say mask, I don't mean like I would be like with one and be like, this, F that. And the other would be like, Oh, I don't even care. So like, I actually like would keep certain things very consistent with myself, certain ages I would not. It's the whole thing. We're not going to get into it because I would digress and I would get like so off-tropic. But let's get back to the mask. So we built the mask. and become the one who developed this constant social monitoring of like reading the room and adjusting and performing normalcy. And that's genuinely exhausting, but it does look effortless from the outside. And for me, don't really. finance, finesse that and make that more of like me until I got older. But my chart is called as a split stack. Late summer at the door, late winter underneath, the distance between my Virgo exterior and my Pisces interior is a distance between like a pressed white lab coat and a rolling seat, like literally. And for me, my chart doesn't call that a flaw, it calls a design of survival architecture, something my system built because the conditions required it, which just reframed from something is wrong with me to my system built this because it had to and that's kind of where I'm getting at. ⁓ And I will get a lot. will figure out how to, there's everything I can. I'm in it. So everything I feel I can't necessarily. easily verbalize. Yeah, anyway. I don't know. just feel like I'm looking at the ADHD diagnosis now a little bit as like from, my brain works different to looking to where my chart also says, here's how it works different. Here's why it made sense. Here's where it saved you. And here's where it's costing you now. And I think that's where I'm trying to get where I'm here. I'm in it. Also, I say my mom was in the house. I want to say that because I think I said childhood wound earlier and I think people assume that means absence. My mom was there. Physically, she was there. But emotionally, mentally, there was a distance. And it's complicated because our relationship is not a closed chapter. It's active. I love my mom. I live with her right now. Me, my daughter, Jaden, my brother, my stepdad. And I love them all. And I feel like We've had rocky times, but our relationships are all getting progressively better. But growing up, having a parent in a room who's sometimes not reachable, she's our own human being, and that's just crap that happens, that teaches you something specific. It teaches you that your feelings aren't enough to make someone show up even when they're right there. So you start performing. You start figuring out what version of yourself gets a response. Sometimes you start masking before you even know the word, which is time as adult now. When I was a kid, it was- it was a mixture. ⁓ cause sometimes this is why I I was mixed a guy and girl energy because sometimes, ⁓ me figuring out what version of myself would get a response when I guess it was still be masking. I take it back. was, it was still be masking. was just, sometimes I would just be like a little, fun with it. Be a little chaotic. Like, I don't know. I was really silly when I was younger. I had a lot of silly energy. ⁓ but my chart has Saturn sitting directly on my moon. So the astrology in a sense, it kind of says like early authority figures teaches you that your emotions need to be contained. And then ADHD literature says that girls with ADHD develop masking behaviors in response to environments that can't hold her or their emotional intensity. That's another correlation. just saw, read my notes, same phenomenon, different vocabulary. The thing is here I am 30 something years old, just now understanding that, ⁓ the mask. isn't necessarily a choice, it's a survival adaptation. And the person underneath it, the intense, loud, fast, feeling everything person, maybe she's not a problem to be solved. Maybe she's just running on hardware that nobody bothered to explain to her. So many complication I'm getting to is like I was married. It was bad. I'll leave it there for now except to say that I responded inside that marriage, the intensity of my hurt, the speed at which I bonded, the depth of my devastation when it fell apart. thought all of it was actually proof of my dysfunctions. I thought I loved wrong and I thought I grieved wrong. And I've been in love since then too. I've been closer to someone in a way that made me feel more myself than I've ever felt. And I made mistakes there, real ones. And I lost that relationship in ways I'm still sitting with. And for a long time, I looked at that loss the same way I looked at every other painful thing, as evidence of the mess of me being too much. But my brain has a harder time regulating the intensity of emotions. A neurotypical brain has a kind of built-in volume knob learning. For y'all. A of y'all, something happens, the emotion fires, and the prefrontal cortex, if I'm saying that right, it steps in, and it know how to do what it do. It turns it down, it puts it in context, and it spreads it out over time so it's manageable. My brain doesn't do that efficiently. The emotion, it fires at full volume, and my prefrontal cortex, child, she is always late to the party. She was getting her hair done. So don't just feel things. I feel things immediately and completely before my thinking brain. catches up. She's like I said, she's still getting her hair done. Which is not really being dramatic. It's not being a Pisces. Okay, well, okay, okay, okay. It might also be that. But there's a measurable neurological difference is what I'm trying to say. It is just interesting because my chart describes this as moon conjunct Mars and Pisces, the emotional system and the drive system wired together in late winter's dissolving climate, feelings becoming reactions before there's time to filter them. See, a lot of the stuff I've written for Cosmically Created ⁓ for the seasonal astrology version of it all are things that I wrote before I actually really did my chart, if that makes any sense. So when I went back to go through everything and I started, because I have a whole system on craft, when I went back to my program and I started typing in my placements, ⁓ I started like connecting back to what I wrote with my actual chart. And it's just interesting to see those two things connect. And I didn't start doing that until I was reading more until ADHD having emotions and realizing like some of this vernacular feels familiar. And a lot of it felt familiar because I naturally wrote these things for these placements without even connecting them to my placement, if that makes any sense. anyway, so my moon conjunct Mars and Pisces. It's like my emotional system and my drive system being wired together in late winter's dissolving climate where feelings become reactions before there's time to filter them. Actually, an astrology is called volatile, I think. But the neuroscience calls it emotional dysregulation. But my lived experience child, called it every time something hurts, I'm already reacting before I even know what happened. And then 10 minutes later, my thinking brain shows up and I realize the reaction didn't match the situation. And then I feel ashamed. Shame. Shame. And that cycle overwhelming emotion, delayed regulation, and then shame about the emotion has been running my whole life. That's the loop. Feel everything, get told it's too much, believe it, mask, repeat. Rinse and wash, do it again. This seasonal blueprint I realized didn't cure the loop, but it's making the loop visible. It's giving me architecture instead of chaos and that matters. When something has a structure, I'm learning you can work with it. When it's just, I'm a mess, what can you do with that? And see, I think out loud. That's the other thing I think I need to say here at the top because it's gonna matter for this whole show. I think out loud. My brain processes externally. I need to hear things, say things, talk through things, see them outside of my head before they make sense inside my head. And you know what? That's not a flaw. That's literally how my operating system works, okay? I'm iOS, bitch. Okay, I'm just kidding, I'm not iOS. I'm what I could be. But some people, can sit quietly with the feeling and they can sort it internally and they can come out on the other side with clarity. I cannot. I need the thought to leave my mouth or my fingers before I evaluate it. Which means sometimes I say things that are not finished yet. Sometimes I share things that are more filtered. Person would probably keep quiet. Sometimes I'm three paragraphs into a revelation that a neurotypical person would have silently had in the shower. And know what, for years I used Facebook that way and I carry real shame about that. Not about all that I said, a lot of what I said was true, especially about my marriage, and I was surviving real things when I said it, but about the volume and the visibility of it is what I would, I guess, do. Because I was processing my life in public because the private channels I had were broken. I didn't have a therapist who understood. what was actually happening in my brain. didn't have a support system that could hold what I was carrying. had a phone and a platform and a brain that needed to externalize to function. And I loudly used it. And I'm not going to go back to that. This show is not that, but I am an external processor and I'm done being ashamed of it. Thinking out loud is how I've gotten through to every breakthrough I've ever had, including this one, including sitting here recording this. Which is me, ⁓ once again, needing to say the thing out loud before it becomes real, I guess. So I spent 25 minutes to say that's what Uncharted is. Me processing out loud on purpose, this time with me, way more tools, way more self-awareness and less crisis, but still out loud, still external, still the way my brain actually works instead of the way I've been pretending it works. So here's what's changed. I realized, really realized, not just intellectually, but in my body, that the emotional intensity I've been shaming myself for my entire life is not a personality flaw, it's my brain's operating system. And the seasonal blueprint framework I built for my clients is what finally made that visible to me. The astrology, y'all, is what mapped the architecture. The ADHD research named the mechanism. And together they told me a story that neither one has told me alone. My chart says that I enter the world through late summer's optimization and live inside late winter's dissolution. DHD says my executive function system doesn't regulate emotions efficiently. My chart says moon conjunct Mars makes me emotionally reactive under threat. DHD says rejection, sense of dysphoria, process of social pain at the intensity of physical pain. My chart says Saturn on the moon taught me how to suppress my very feelings that were already harder to regulate. DHD says masking is a survival response to environments that punish emotional intensity in girls. Same person, same life, two frameworks. And when you lay them on top of each other, you don't get contradiction, you get resolution. At least I did. ⁓ that's why. In the years I have spent beating myself up for loving too hard, feeling too much, reacting too fast, needing too much reassurance, falling apart too publicly, those years were spent punishing myself for something that was never a discipline problem. It was a wiring reality that nobody gave me the language for until I accidentally built the language myself. That realization is a relief, but it's also kind of a grief. Ooh, that kind of rhymed, didn't it? Relief, grief, anyway. But it does, it does also feel like a grief because I spent many years being hard on myself for something that was built into my system. Years apologizing, shrinking, thinking if I could just be less intense, emotional. loud much and the new understanding to be real with you it doesn't really erase those years it just kind of reframes them and i think it's the refrain i think the refrain kind of hurts in different ways in the original pain if you understand what i'm saying because now i'm not just sad about what happened to me i'm sad about what i did to myself about what happened to me it's like the shame on top of the wound an extra layer and on top of that my chart has chiron the wounded healer Virgo in my 12th house, which is the wound of perfectionism banished to the unconscious basically The feeling that I am the thing that's broken that no amount of fixing will make me good enough And I can't even see the wound clearly because it operates from beneath my awareness. So when I read that in my own chart Child I said with it for a very long time because that's exactly what living with unrecognized ADHD emotional dysregulation feels like You know something is wrong, you just can't see it. You just keep trying to fix yourself, fix yourself, and the fix never holds because you're fixing the wrong thing. And you know what? I do not know how to agree that yet. I'm going be honest with you. don't have a five step process for this. I don't have a tarot spread that will just resolve this neatly. just have this recognizing that the girl who thought she was too much was actually just right. Just running on a system nobody explains. And I think I kind of deserve better information. And I just didn't get it. And I feel like that's a loss, not a dramatic loss. I'm not about to be caught on the floor loss, but just kind of more of like a dull ache that just like, just kind of shows up all of sudden, you know? Like, oh, so I'm just driving by somewhere and I'm realizing, remembering like a specific time where I literally hated myself for overreacting and realizing, oh, that wasn't overreacting. That was my brain. And you know, I just kind of. You know, I'll a little teary for little bit. About 10 seconds. And then it passes. That's kind of what this grief looks like. It's more in flashes, I guess. Flash is not flood. Let's say it like that. Flashes instead of floods. And you know what? My daughter has ADHD too. My daughter's dating, she's 11. She was diagnosed, but for the attention part when she was younger. But she also has intense emotions too, although her show up a little, actually probably a lot more differently than mine. And I can't fully explain that yet. But I watch her and I see the wiring and I know that right now in this window, I think I have the opportunity to give her something I just wasn't given. Not because anything was wrong with people around me. Just if I didn't even know the tools to understand how I'm gonna expect other people to, you know? And I don't want to give her medicine necessarily. Stimulants was a talk when she was younger, not stimulus, but like kid 80, kid, kid. I don't remember what it's called, people, okay? But like whatever doctors would prescribe to a kid who has symptoms ADHD, okay? This is what she was given. She was not given at all. be very specific with that. She was never given at all. She's never taken at all. She would be very too, she would be too young for that. And what we're talking about, I'm talking about when she was like five, when she went to my same doctor to get kid medicine, okay? For ADHD. But what I wanna give her is not medicine. That's not what I to give her information, context, the understanding that her big feelings aren't a behavior problem or puberty or her being difficult, but they're part of the same system that makes focusing hard and they deserve the same kind of support and understanding. I did actually build Jade and the Seismic Blueprint too. Hers reads completely different from mine, different stack, different architecture, I love her so much. But some of the patterns, they rhyme and being able to show her even a language she'll grow into that her intensity isn't a defect, it's design, it's how her particular system was built to move through the world. That's everything. That's the manual. I kind of feel like a rewritten for the next generation. not trying to say I'm oh, I'm the next generation. It could be like this, like, or at least just the words, you know, I don't know, whatever. I just want Jayden to grow up knowing that her brain is loud and that's not a crime. I want her to have the sentence I didn't have. The one that says you're not too much, your brain just runs at a different speed and here's how to work with it instead of against it. I want to break the thing where the emotional piece gets split off from the ADHD piece and treated like a character flaw, while the focus piece gets treated like a medical condition. Cause from what I'm reading, it looks like the same system. Now I'm nobody's doctor, so correct me if I'm wrong, but it looks like the same system and nobody told me that. So I want to tell her. And I feel like that might be the most important thing I do with this information. Not talking to y'all. Just making sure that my daughter doesn't spend the next 20 years carrying the same shame I carried for no reason. So I have work in 12 minutes. And that's where we are. But this is episode one, I guess. I'm J'Kayla. I have ADHD that nobody fully explained to me until I accidentally explained it to myself through a framework I built for reading other people's charts. I've been masking in weird ways. We can get into it later. Since childhood, if y'all knew me when I was younger, no offense to the word crazy. My nickname was Ja-crazy. Cause I was wild, okay? But that's no offense to anybody who, you know, I know that word for some people can have a different emotion and feeling. So I do apologize if that offended you. Wasn't trying to do that. But that was my name when I was younger and that should give you any context or clue. Y'all know I got some stories, okay? But I process out loud. I love heart and I feel everything at a full volume. I've been in relationships that were both bad and relationships that were beautiful. And I've made real mistakes in both. What else about me? I live with my mom and my daughter, my brother, my stepdad, and it's complicated. But I think it's getting better. I run Cosmic and Create It, I read charts. I love Marshall, ross, 5 below I build seasonal blueprints. And the seasonal blueprints are the same tool I have built to help other people understand their nervous system. It's actually what's finally helped me understand my... But the show is about what I'm learning in real time, out loud, unfinished, unfiltered in the sense that I'm not masking, but also not reckless. I'm not putting people's names in the streets anymore. I'm not re-litigating. I'm not building cases. I'm just a woman with a loud brain and a lot of lived experience, I guess 30 years worth, trying to figure out who she actually is underneath all the performing and every tool I have got, child I am using, okay? Every tool in my toolbox, the astrology, the neuroscience, the lived experience, the hard, One self-awareness and my personal private none of y'all business relationship with god, okay i'm just gonna throw that in there for somebody say what if i got I talked to him ain't between none of y'all and i'm gonna tell you to myself ⁓ but And just let you know whether I believe in him or not. I still talk to him so I know. Getting defensive about that, think, a little bit preemptively. This is why I'm calling it Uncharted, I guess. Not because nothing has been mapped, but because honestly no one really mapped it for me, so I feel like I'm drawing the map myself. And I'm actually kind of inviting y'all to watch. I already know what I'm about to talk about next. I'm going to kind of be talking about like emotional flooding and that 10 minute gap I talked about earlier between the feeling and thinking, why ADHD brains react before they regulate. And what I think this looks like, at least in this black woman's body, where intensity gets read as aggression and emotional honesty gets read as threat. And I want to talk about what happens when that mass slips and the room isn't really ready for what's underneath there. And I really don't know what I'm talking about completely there, but. She's one of my little side notes, so. you come back, come back. And Jakayla is gonna go to work and answer some calls. See ya.