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Stop Trying to Break Your Strong-Willed Teen · IMPACT: Parenting with Perspective

• 0:00
  Ben: I'm Ben Pugh and you're listening to IMPACT! Parenting with Perspective.
• 0:06
  Ben: This podcast is all about helping parents manage the mental and emotional drama that comes with parenting teens so they can focus on what's most important.
• 0:17
  Ben: Building rock solid relationships and having a powerful impact on their teen's life.
• 0:22
  Ben: Join me each week as I dive into real tools to help you and your teen turn struggles into strengths.
• 0:32
  What if one of the things that drives you nuts about your teenager right now is actually one of the things you'll love most about him when he's an adult?
• 0:43
  Maybe your son is stubborn.
• 0:46
  Maybe he questions everything.
• 0:48
  He pushes back.
• 0:49
  He wants to know why, and he doesn't just accept,"Because I said so." And sometimes you probably think,"Why does everything have to be hard with this kid?" I get it.
• 1:02
  Strong-willed teenagers can be exhausting.
• 1:07
  But coaching freshman football has made me look at strong-willed kids a little bit differently, because some of the exact qualities that can drive adults absolutely crazy are incredibly valuable on a football field.
• 1:25
  The kid who refuses to quit, the kid who wants to understand why we're doing something instead of just blindly doing it, the kid who isn't scared to stand up and stand out, the kid who believes something strongly enough that he will stand up for it.
• 1:43
  Those aren't necessarily bad qualities.
• 1:47
  In fact, you might be incredibly proud that your son has some of these qualities.
• 1:53
  The problem isn't necessarily that your teenager has a strong will.
• 1:58
  The real question is: what is he learning to do with that strong will?
• 2:05
  Because I don't think our job as parents is to break our teen's will.
• 2:12
  I think our job is to help our teens learn how to use it.
• 2:17
  And there's an important catch here, because I'm not saying just let your strong-willed teenager walk all over you and do whatever he wants.
• 2:26
  In fact, I think strong-willed teens need really good boundaries.
• 2:33
  I just think the way we create and hold those bad- boundaries matters more than most parents realize.
• 2:40
  And before we finish today, I'm going to show you why I think boundaries with buy-in actually works especially well with strong-willed teenagers.
• 2:53
  So let's explore for a minute.
• 2:56
  Why do so many adults struggle with strong-willed teenagers?
• 3:03
  I completely get it.
• 3:05
  As a parent, some of my teens are a little bit too strong-willed sometimes, and it drives me nuts.
• 3:12
  But I can also understand why it's hard, why it drives me nuts.
• 3:18
  They might question everything, and this creates friction between the parent and the teen.
• 3:26
  They might want to negotiate.
• 3:28
  They might wanna argue, or push, or challenge assumptions, and just challenge the way that we do things.
• 3:36
  Oftentimes, strong-willed teens, they wanna test limits.
• 3:41
  They want expl- explanations.
• 3:44
  And sometimes they like to learn things the hard way.
• 3:48
  And adults, we don't remember what it's like being a strong-willed teen.
• 3:54
  We often fall into the trap where we reward compliance.
• 4:00
  And so now that kid who doesn't have as strong a will, the kid who just says,"Okay, sure, no problem," it feels easier to parent that child.
• 4:12
  But easier right now doesn't automatically mean that that child or that teenager is better prepared for adulthood.
• 4:20
  Sometimes we confuse easy to manage with being healthy and successful, and those are not the same thing.
• 4:30
  So I want you to think about the adult that you hope your teenager becomes.
• 4:38
  What would you want that adult to look like?
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  What...
• 4:42
  Who would you want them to be?
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  What kind of person?
• 4:45
  Do you want an adult who can think for themselves?
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  Do you want someone who can stand up for what they believe?
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  Do you want a son who can resist peer pressure?
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  Do you want a daughter who can persist when things get hard in life?
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  Do you want your adult child to be able to question bad ideas, to be able to advocate for himself, to lead?
• 5:11
  Those require a little bit of strong will, and here's where things get interesting.
• 5:20
  A lot of parents say that they want an independent adult.
• 5:24
  They want their teen to grow up and have all of those skills, all those traits that we just talked about.
• 5:30
  But they spend the teenage years trying to create a compliant child, a teenager who just blindly does what they're asked.
• 5:40
  And the problem is the goal of having an independent child, an independent adult, can come in conflict with having a compliant child, an obedient child.
• 5:56
  So this is what football has actually taught me about this, and this is one of my favorite parts about football, because I feel like it helps change the perspective.
• 6:07
  It changes the way that we see things that can be a problem in the real world into being something that is not a problem.
• 6:15
  Now, on the football field, this stubborn kid can become the kid who's like,"Coach, I'm not quitting until I figure this out.
• 6:24
  Help me understand.
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  What am I doing wrong?
• 6:26
  Keep me in the game." The kid who always asks why, as annoying as that can be, they can be the player who understands what we're doing on a on a deeper level.
• 6:37
  They understand why we're blocking a certain way.
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  They understand why we're doing things and what their assignment accomplishes.
• 6:46
  The kid who is willing to stand up for themselves or others and really stand apart from the crowd, that is often the player who is willing to stand up and be a leader.
• 6:58
  When everyone else wants to quit because it's hard, they're the ones cheering their team on, like,"No, guys, we got work to do." So I want to just help you understand that your strong-willed teenager, as hard as it can be to parent them, it is important that we help them turn these skills, these traits into skills and traits that will benefit them as an adult.
• 7:29
  And I don't want to romanticize this and think,"Oh my goodness, strong-willed kids just need a free leash.
• 7:37
  They should be able to do whatever they want." That is not what I'm talking about, because if we romanticize this, we forget some of the downside.
• 7:45
  Like, sometimes these same skills and traits can lead to selfishness, refusing to get coached, and interpreting feedback.
• 7:55
  It can lead to disrespect and blaming and impulsive decision-making.
• 8:00
  It can lead to your teen being like,"Well, nobody can tell me what to do." But there is a powerful distinction Strong-willed kids, that is a powerful gift.
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  That is a skill.
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  And with direction, with leadership, with coaching, that can help your teenager become a successful adult.
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  While if they don't get direction and if they don't have leadership, that can create a mess.
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  And a lot of the adults, young adults, are really struggling in the world that we live in today because they have that strong will, but they never had the proper leadership.
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  They never had the proper example.
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  They never had the proper coaching to help them refine that in a way that they could use as an adult.
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  And this happens all the time in sports.
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  You can get a super talented athlete who just isn't coachable, and they miss out on all the benefits, all the skills, all the opportunities, because they wouldn't accept the leadership.
• 9:10
  And so now a teenager who stands up for himself can also become someone who just complains a lot or demands things.
• 9:18
  And so this is where your role as a parent is not to break your teenager's will.
• 9:26
  Your goal is to help them learn,"Hey, when is this strength useful, and when is this actually something that hurts me?
• 9:34
  And then how do I choose how to behave when it's appropriate?" my goal for you as a parent is to understand that strong-willed kids, yeah, they can be tough, but don't break their will.
• 9:48
  When I have strong-willed football players, my goal isn't to make them less strong-willed.
• 9:53
  My goal is to harness that.
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  Hopefully, the other players will catch it.
• 9:57
  And I can teach like,"Hey, there are times when we need to question things, and there are times where we don't have time to question.
• 10:04
  We just need to execute." There are times where you can step up and be in that leadership role, and there are also times you have to kinda sit back and listen.
• 10:13
  There are times to fight.
• 10:14
  There are times to walk away.
• 10:16
  There are times to really hold your ground and stand up tall, but there are also times to admit that,"Hey, I was wrong.
• 10:23
  I messed up." And this is where it's important for you as a parent The goal isn't,"How do I get my teenager to stop pushing back?" A better question might be,"How do I help him learn to use that strength responsibly?" I was coaching a teen recently, actually the teen and the mother.
• 10:46
  It was actually kind of fun.
• 10:49
  This teen could be super manipulative, and I remember the mom being like,"I don't want him to be manipulative.
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  He'll manipulate his wife.
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  He'll manipulate other people.
• 10:59
  Like, it's not a good trait." And I'm like,"No, sometimes manipulation is a really good skill." Like, we wanna be manipulated.
• 11:05
  We go to a car dealership, get manipulated into buying a car because it helps us feel better about that big purchase.
• 11:13
  And Through some coaching, I was able to help this kid realize,"Hey, sometimes when you manipulate, that is not who you wanna be." And th- this is a teenage boy, so I used an example of, like, a girl and making out.
• 11:29
  Like,"Do you want to manipulate her into making out with her?" And he's like,"No.
• 11:34
  Like, that would be a jerk.
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  That'd be messed up." And I'm like,"Okay, awesome.
• 11:38
  Now, what if you're just super kind and respectful, and she really likes you, and she wants to make out with you?
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  What do...
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  is that gross?
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  Is that manipulative?" And he's like,"No.
• 11:48
  that's just me being who I wanna be." And the truth is, we can use these skills that our teens have.
• 11:54
  We can help them use those to get what they want when appropriate.
• 12:00
  And one of the things that happens, just to go back to the example, I remember asking that young man,"What do you think about, manipulating the girl and, making her feel bad and pouting if she doesn't kiss you?" And he's like,"Ew, that's gross." I'm like,"Yeah.
• 12:15
  that's not who you want to be.
• 12:18
  Now, what do you think about the guy who's a gentleman and who is constantly kind and just really thoughtful, and now she actually wants to make out with you?" And he's like,"Yeah, that's more of who I want to be." And the truth is, a lot of kids never have that conversation.
• 12:34
  They're just using these skills to get what they want, regardless of whether or not it's in alignment with who they want to be.
• 12:43
  And that is where your role as a parent comes in.
• 12:46
  If you can help lead rather than break their strong will, help them lead, or help you lead and help them realize,"Here's how to appropriately use that.
• 13:00
  Here's when it's appropriate.
• 13:01
  Here's when it's not." And this is where traditional power struggles can actually make things worse.
• 13:09
  most parents try to overpower their strong-willed teenager.
• 13:14
  And if you're anything like me and most of the parents I work with, you might have accidentally turned an issue into this battle to see now who has to win.
• 13:25
  Whereas you can start looking at it through a different lens.
• 13:30
  "I don't need to overpower you.
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  I like that you have this skill.
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  I like that you're strong-willed.
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  It's my job to help you learn how to use it." And now you, rather than being against your teen, you're on the same team with your teen.
• 13:46
  You're working towards something different.
• 13:50
  oftentimes The harder you try to control a strong-willed teenager, the more resistance you get.
• 13:58
  And then on the flip side, the more you try and control a teenager that doesn't have quite the strong will, maybe they're a little bit more compliant, oftentimes they will just cave.
• 14:13
  And so what we wanna do as parents, like we can apply this to the strong-willed teen, but we can also apply it to the compliant teen We don't want to seek control.
• 14:26
  So oftentimes with a parent, it'll sound like this, get off the video game," or,"Go do your homework right now," or, whatever that is.
• 14:34
  And so a strong-willed teen might say,"Why?" A compliant teen will probably just be like,"Okay.
• 14:41
  Yeah, sorry." But the strong-willed teen is like,"Why?" To where you might say,"Because I said so." And then that strong-willed teen is gonna be like,"Well, that's stupid." And then the parent is like,"Well, give me your controller." Now, here's the problem with both of these examples.
• 14:58
  You have the compliant kid who you just said,"Hey, get off the game," and he's like,"Okay." And you have the strong-willed kid that you're like,"Get off the game," and they're like,"Why?
• 15:07
  That's stupid.
• 15:07
  No." And then you're in a fight, and then you're like,"Well, give me the controller." Here's the thing that applies to both.
• 15:13
  Nobody is really thinking about sleep or chores or family responsibilities or healthy gaming.
• 15:21
  The issue has just been,"I want something, and you need to do what I want." And that's a problem because these battles aren't teaching lessons.
• 15:32
  They're not teaching lessons to the compliant teenager, and they're not teaching the proper lesson to the strong-willed teenager.
• 15:41
  And once it becomes a battle of wills, we don't focus on the original problem and the true lesson.
• 15:48
  That just goes away, and now we're focused on this contest that now I have to win.
• 15:55
  How do I get my teen to do what I want?
• 15:58
  And the problem is, we don't want to necessarily let our teens do whatever they want because that would be giving in and just letting your teen walk all over you.
• 16:09
  But what we do wanna do is we want to stop fighting for control, and we wanna start giving your teenager an appropriate level of control over himself, over when he plays video games, over how he handles his chores, or whether or not he keeps his grades up.
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  And the awesome thing is, this naturally helps your teen develop responsibility.
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  Because as we can empower your teen, they will have to step up.
• 16:43
  They will have to be responsible.
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  And this is exactly why I built Boundaries With Buy-In.
• 16:51
  Boundaries with buy-in is one of the best ways to work with strong-willed teenagers.
• 16:58
  It gives strong-willed teenagers a voice, and that is actually one of the biggest things that your strong-willed teen wants.
• 17:07
  He wants to be heard.
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  He wants to be understood.
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  And that doesn't mean that they get the final say.
• 17:13
  It just means that you can say things like, hey, tell me what you think would be fair when it comes to the amount of time that you play video games and the things that you do to help out around the house." You might say something like, you understand where I stand when it comes to video games or doing chores around the house or keeping your grades up." And then here's the important part.
• 17:36
  You could say,"What am I missing?
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  What do you wish that I understood?" You can ask, what do you think would work in this situation?" And the thing is, you're not giving your teen the keys to everything.
• 17:52
  You're not giving them free rein, but you are giving them a voice, and that's one of the reasons why boundaries with buy-in works so well for strong-willed teenagers.
• 18:03
  You're just harnessing that strong will, and a lot of times they will solve the problem on their own without you because you've given them the opportunity.
• 18:14
  Another reason that boundaries with buy-in is so good for strong-willed teenagers, just like we kinda hinted on a minute ago, it gives them responsibility and an appropriate level of power.
• 18:29
  And instead of mom having to carry all of this burden for the teen, like,"Did you do this?
• 18:36
  Did you remember this?
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  Did you get your chores done?
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  Is your homework done?
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  Are your grades caught up?
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  Is the game caught up?
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  Or is the game turned off?
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  Did you email your teacher?" Boundaries with buy-in is going to help you give more of that responsibility back to your teen so that they start owning the results that they create.
• 18:57
  They're responsible for their grades.
• 19:00
  They're responsible for whether or not they get the v-video game time that they want because they're responsible for whether or not they've done their chores or kept their grades up.
• 19:10
  And that's one of the best ways to create buy-in is by giving your teenager some responsibility.
• 19:21
  That's the kind of power that we actually want our teenagers to have.
• 19:25
  We want them to grow up to be responsible adults, and the secret is your teen wants that power.
• 19:32
  They want that responsibility, so start giving it to them in a structured way.
• 19:39
  Another reason that boundaries with buy-in is so effective with strong-willed teenagers is that they learn from their own choices.
• 19:48
  They learn from the consequences that they create, and strong-willed kids oftentimes have to experience things on their own before they'll learn.
• 20:00
  Now, you could lecture your strong-willed kid for 45 minutes, but the fastest, best lesson, which will be so much faster, is by allowing them to learn from their own choices and their own consequences.
• 20:16
  And I'm not saying, like, we need to be mean and punitive or be like,"Hey, I told you so." No, natural, logical, sometimes agreed-upon consequences will teach them the responsibility.
• 20:32
  This could be in the video game and the grade arena.
• 20:34
  Look"You can play video games if you can keep your grades up." You're giving your teen responsibility.
• 20:42
  "You're responsible for your grades, and you are responsible for whether or not you are able to play video games." The consequence of getting an F, and"Man, now I can't play video games this weekend," that does a really good job of teaching a lesson, and that saves you from a lecture.
• 21:00
  And then the last reason that we'll talk about real quick that I believe Boundaries with Buy-In is just so helpful for strong-willed teens is that they get invited into this leadership, into this partnership with you as the parent.
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  Boundaries with Buy-In doesn't treat your teenager like a toddler or like a little kid who just needs to obey better, or like a dog who needs to learn the right response to the proper cues and commands.
• 21:34
  It starts teaching your teenager how to participate in running their own life.
• 21:41
  You as a parent still lead.
• 21:44
  You still show up in your role and in your authority as a parent.
• 21:50
  You still have to set the boundary.
• 21:52
  You still have to say no.
• 21:54
  But your teen gets more power.
• 21:57
  They're invited to help think, problem solve, come up with fair consequences and agreements, and they get to experience the re- the responsibility that comes with that.
• 22:10
  Now, rather than just having mom say,"Okay, here's what we're doing, and here's what the consequence is, and here's what you need to do," you can invite them into that problem-solving role and be like,"Well, what do you think would be fair?
• 22:24
  Hey, I don't care if you play video games as long as your grades and your chores are done.
• 22:29
  Like, what do you think would be fair to earn video game time when it comes to your grades and chores?
• 22:34
  What do you think would be a fair consequence if you don't follow the agreement?" And that empowers your teen.
• 22:42
  And the crazy thing is, this will actually make parenting a strong-willed teen way easier for you.
• 22:51
  That is one of the things that I have had so many parents tell me.
• 22:54
  There's this young man that the mom is like,"I just don't know why everything has to be so hard." Within a few weeks, she's like,"Wow, I never knew parenting could be this easy." Parenting went from exhausting to easy because she was able to implement Boundaries with Buy-In.
• 23:18
  And not only will it make parenting your teenager easier, it will actually give you more time.
• 23:26
  You don't have to spend time nagging, reminding, arguing, and a lot of times parents are like,"Well, I don't have time to take a course or get coaching or do something for me." This is actually going to help you free up time.
• 23:45
  And if you're thinking,"Ben, this sounds great, but I just don't know if I have time for another parenting thing, another podcast, another whatever it might be," look, you're already going to be a parent.
• 23:59
  You're going to be spending time in this.
• 24:02
  You can now, rather than reminding, arguing, checking, negotiating, policing, rescuing your teen, worrying about your teen, w- repeating yourself over and over, all of that time will be saved because you are going to have new skills, and you're gonna be using Boundaries with Buy-In that's gonna save you all that time.
• 24:27
  My goal with Boundaries with Buy-In is not to give you another full-time job called parenting better.
• 24:34
  I actually want you doing less of the work that actually belongs to your teenager, and Boundaries with Buy-In, it can require some attention up front.
• 24:44
  Like, you're gonna need to learn some things.
• 24:46
  You're gonna get coaching.
• 24:48
  But you're going to be moving towards a direction where your teen carries more responsibility in their life, and you give that burden back to them.
• 24:59
  "Look, I'm your mom, but it is not my job to carry the responsibility for your grades, your friends, your sports, your church activities, your everything." And you're gonna create a system that empowers your teen makes your life easier, and works for both of you.
• 25:19
  Boundaries with Buy-In actually opens on Monday the 21st.
• 25:25
  and I want you to understand exactly why I created Boundaries with Buy-In.
• 25:32
  If you're tired of arguing with your strong-willed teenager, if you're tired of feeling like even the most simple request turns into a game of 20 questions, if you're tired of trying to be the parenting tough guy and laying down the law, and somehow you still feel like you're getting walked on, or if you're simply tired of carrying all the responsibilities that your teenager is old enough to start carrying for themselves, this is exactly what we're going to work on.
• 26:08
  and I created this program specifically to help parents move away from the exhausting cycle of arguing, reminding, threatening, giving in, and then trying to start all over again tomorrow.
• 26:23
  I'm gonna help you create boundaries that are simple and clear, boundaries that you can actually hold, and boundaries that give your teenager a voice without putting him in charge, and boundaries that start putting responsibility back where it belongs, with your teenager.
• 26:43
  Because I don't want you spending the next five years, or maybe your teen is 18 and it's only one year, I don't want you spending the time that you have with your teen trying to overpower him, trying to break his will.
• 26:59
  I want you helping him become the kind of young man who knows how to use that as a strength in his life, someone who can think for himself, someone who can take responsibility.
• 27:13
  I want your teen to grow up to be the type of man who can stand up for what he believes in, for what matters, and someone who can hear feedback without falling apart, someone who can make decisions and live with the results, someone who doesn't quit just because life gets hard.
• 27:34
  There are qualities that your teen has that with your leadership, with your parenting and coaching, those qualities are someday going to be the qualities that you are most proud of.
• 27:50
  "I am so glad he can stand up for himself.
• 27:53
  He is such a good father." with your help, with your leadership, with your guidance, this strong-willed teenager is going to become the man that you're gonna see,"Man, I see how that s- paved the way." So maybe his strong will isn't something you need to get rid of.
• 28:14
  Maybe it just needs a little bit more leadership, a little bit more coaching.
• 28:19
  Maybe he just needs a little bit more responsibility.
• 28:22
  Maybe it's just better boundaries.
• 28:24
  And maybe when you shift your mentality from,"Hey, I've gotta win this battle," to,"Hey, how do we work together to fix this problem?" That's gonna change the tone in your home.
• 28:38
  Boundaries with Buy-In, opens September 21st.
• 28:42
  If this sounds like your teenager and your family, get on the priority list right now.
• 28:49
  When enrollment opens, you'll be the first to know.
• 28:54
  So just go to benpughcoaching.com/boundarieswithbuyin And then this week, when your teenager pushes back, before you just immediately try and shut him down, ask yourself,"Is this a behavior I need to stop, or is this a strength that I need to help him learn how to better use?" Because those are two very different problems.
• 29:23
  Your strong-willed teen isn't necessarily a problem.
• 29:26
  He probably just needs someone to help him learn what to do with that strong will.
• 29:33
  And Boundaries with Buy-In will help you do just that.
• 29:38
  Go to benpughcoaching.com/boundarieswithbuy-in.
• 29:43
  Get on that priority list.
• 29:45
  This is just gonna be a small group, no more than 20, and I will see you soon.