Latest / Do You F*cking Mind? / 376. HEADNOISE How to deal with partner's outbursts, retroactive jealousy AND how to know when to actually take that leap of faith. - Head Noise

Transcript

376. HEADNOISE How to deal with partner's outbursts, retroactive jealousy AND how to know when to actually take that leap of faith. - Head Noise · Do You F*cking Mind?

0:14
Speaker 1: Hello, beautiful beans, and welcome to the podcast episode of Today.
0:18
Speaker 1: So this is a head noise episode. I am answering
0:22
Speaker 1: your questions. I have one written and three voicemail questions
0:27
Speaker 1: in this episode Today. Absolutely loving receiving your voice messages.
0:33
Speaker 1: I just love receiving your questions in general. It's very
0:36
Speaker 1: very cool. As you guys know, it's one of my
0:39
Speaker 1: favorite things to do on the podcast is to directly
0:41
Speaker 1: be able to offer advice or knowledge or something or
0:45
Speaker 1: a different point if you are a way to think
0:46
Speaker 1: about your situation differently. That makes you feel a little
0:49
Speaker 1: bit more empowered. Now, separate to that little lef update
0:53
Speaker 1: before I get into it, I have, finally, can I
0:56
Speaker 1: just say, started a broadcast channel on my Instagram. I've
0:59
Speaker 1: done it on my personal Instagram. So my personal Instagram
1:03
Speaker 1: used to be Alexis Predes, but I've changed it to
1:06
Speaker 1: my actual name, which which is now Alexis Fernandez breakser
1:10
Speaker 1: So if you don't already follow me, obviously go ahead
1:13
Speaker 1: and follow me. That need need not be said, and
1:17
Speaker 1: join my broadcast channel. It's called the Self Love Club.
1:21
Speaker 1: It is honestly such a cool thing I thought i'd do, like,
1:26
Speaker 1: so I put up a little, because you can like
1:27
Speaker 1: poll or like prompt the people within the club to
1:32
Speaker 1: answer any question that you ask them pretty much, and
1:35
Speaker 1: so I just wanted to read out some of them
1:37
Speaker 1: because I did a prompt which was today I learned
1:40
Speaker 1: dot dot dot, and there were so many great responses.
1:44
Speaker 1: I'm obsessed with this broadcast channel. And if you're in
1:47
Speaker 1: the broadcast channel, if you're like following that channel or
1:50
Speaker 1: a member, then you can read all of these. But
1:52
Speaker 1: it's today I learned. Someone said that if you don't
1:55
Speaker 1: make time to rest, your body will force you to
1:57
Speaker 1: make time. That you can't force someone to care. That
2:01
Speaker 1: I cannot stress over things that aren't or haven't happened.
2:05
Speaker 1: That I can only meet people where they are at.
2:09
Speaker 1: How much sunshine actually lifts my mood. That it is
2:12
Speaker 1: okay to let go what you're not changing, you're choosing,
2:16
Speaker 1: that I'm my own constant, That I need to be
2:19
Speaker 1: patient with my body. Your body will give you warning
2:23
Speaker 1: signs when she needs rest. You can't control the uncontrollable.
2:27
Speaker 1: Love this one, how to get a red wine spell
2:29
Speaker 1: off a white wall, hadn't even had a sip yet,
2:33
Speaker 1: Hate that so much water, so vinegar and poroxide, like
2:36
Speaker 1: great life advice in general. I'm so obsessed to this
2:39
Speaker 1: broadcast channel. It's called the Self Love Club. You need
2:42
Speaker 1: to follow me and join that broadcast channel because it
2:45
Speaker 1: is an absolute fucking mood. And then I can like
2:47
Speaker 1: poll you guys as well. Here I am acting like
2:49
Speaker 1: as if this thing just got released, but it's been
2:52
Speaker 1: like I feel like broadcast channels has been a thing
2:53
Speaker 1: for a long time now. I'm like, I can ask
2:55
Speaker 1: you guys things like do you like planning your year
2:58
Speaker 1: ahead at the end of the year, And I think
3:02
Speaker 1: said I would if I had a clear idea. Most
3:04
Speaker 1: people clicked that one, and then the next one was
3:08
Speaker 1: love it, and then there was like seventy six six
3:10
Speaker 1: people that were not a fan. So it's really nice
3:12
Speaker 1: to get the feedback and just, yeah, get some insight
3:15
Speaker 1: into how you guys think and believe anyway, So go
3:18
Speaker 1: definitely go join the self Love Club. I'm going to
3:20
Speaker 1: be sharing like photos, quotes, ideas, my own personal life updates,
3:24
Speaker 1: polling you guys, sharing or anonymously, but sharing what you
3:29
Speaker 1: guys say as messages or advice to each other, sharing
3:31
Speaker 1: it on the group. It's just a really I love it.
3:34
Speaker 1: I love it. I love it. I love it. I
3:35
Speaker 1: feel it's more interactive than like the Facebook page. And
3:38
Speaker 1: I'm just rarely on the Facebook page because ever since
3:40
Speaker 1: my Facebook got hacked us like I struggled to log
3:42
Speaker 1: into it on my phone. So anyway, good times. Let's
3:46
Speaker 1: get straight into the first voice message of the episode.
3:53
Speaker 2: Hi Alexis, thank you so much for taking the time
3:56
Speaker 2: to listen to my voice message. Calling in from Wisconsin,
4:00
Speaker 2: United States, looking for advice from you on how to
4:05
Speaker 2: support my partner. He and I have been together a
4:08
Speaker 2: little over four months. Prior to that we worked together.
4:12
Speaker 2: He was married during the time that we worked together.
4:16
Speaker 2: In fact, he's still married, but he's currently going through
4:19
Speaker 2: a horse and has essentially moved in with me and
4:24
Speaker 2: my school age child. And unfortunately for my partner, that
4:29
Speaker 2: means that he's in my hometown and is brushing shoulders
4:34
Speaker 2: with individuals from my past. He's having a really difficult
4:38
Speaker 2: time coping with that. His entire mood changes. So, for example,
4:44
Speaker 2: this morning, he went to the gym and he came
4:46
Speaker 2: back with a very foul mood, and I asked how
4:49
Speaker 2: the gym was, and he said, not great, and it
4:52
Speaker 2: was because he ran into people from my past, and
4:56
Speaker 2: I'm just looking for advice from you on how to
4:59
Speaker 2: best support my partn through this situation. I love him
5:01
Speaker 2: very much, he loves me, and he's normally very confident man,
5:08
Speaker 2: but this just really seems to be hurting his heart,
5:10
Speaker 2: and so I just want a touch base with you
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Speaker 2: and see if there's anything that I could be doing
5:15
Speaker 2: differently to support him.
5:18
Speaker 1: Okay, great, great, great, great question to answer in a
5:22
Speaker 1: nutshell what you've said at the very end, what I
5:24
Speaker 1: can do to support him? This is not about you
5:27
Speaker 1: supporting him. That's what he's experiencing is a major major insecurity,
5:34
Speaker 1: and it's manifesting as him trying to control you or
5:37
Speaker 1: make you feel responsible for his insecurity. So what you
5:40
Speaker 1: can do to quote unquote support him is to communicate
5:43
Speaker 1: this across and get him to see it. But you
5:45
Speaker 1: don't have to support that behavior whatsoever, because it is
5:49
Speaker 1: an unhealthy behavior. Okay, what is happening here now? You
5:54
Speaker 1: said a person from your past. I am presuming that
5:58
Speaker 1: this person from your past is either an X or
6:00
Speaker 1: someone that is closely linked to an ex. I can't
6:03
Speaker 1: imagine that it would be like a high school friend
6:06
Speaker 1: and all of a sudden, he's got this conundrum in
6:07
Speaker 1: his head. So that's what I'm presuming you were referring to.
6:10
Speaker 1: He's either cross paths with an X. Now, the second
6:12
Speaker 1: thing that I'm presuming is that this was just a
6:15
Speaker 1: very very PG kind of interaction that he literally cross paths,
6:20
Speaker 1: it like ignited an insecurity within him and he's now
6:24
Speaker 1: felt bad. I'm also presuming that he didn't run into
6:27
Speaker 1: an ex of yours and the X started abusing him,
6:28
Speaker 1: because that has that's grounds to feel extremely uncomfortable or
6:32
Speaker 1: for your day to have turned shit. Okay, So with
6:35
Speaker 1: that said, presuming all of the above, this is a
6:39
Speaker 1: very very very common behavior in insecure people within relationships. Now,
6:45
Speaker 1: when I talk about insecure people, I'm not trying to
6:47
Speaker 1: say it as a stab, but it is an insecurity.
6:50
Speaker 1: An insecurity is something that is based out of fear. Okay,
6:53
Speaker 1: So what's happening here is he feels like it's called
7:00
Speaker 1: retroactive jealousy is what it's called, and he's experiencing retroactive jealousy. Basically,
7:04
Speaker 1: what's happening is that you are jealous of your partner's past.
7:08
Speaker 1: In particular, you are jealous of your partner's past partners
7:12
Speaker 1: experience that you experiences that you might have had with them,
7:16
Speaker 1: locations that you might have gone to with them, they
7:18
Speaker 1: get really uncomfortable. Like if you were to go to
7:20
Speaker 1: a restaurant. Here's this, ask yourself this question. If you
7:23
Speaker 1: were going to go to a restaurant and your partner
7:26
Speaker 1: said to you, have you ever been here before? And
7:28
Speaker 1: you say, yeah, my ex and I used to come here,
7:30
Speaker 1: how would your partner react if they do not like
7:33
Speaker 1: hearing that? That is like a tinge, if not more
7:38
Speaker 1: than a tinge of retroactive jealousy. Okay, your partner, while
7:42
Speaker 1: they might not love it, should be able to really
7:47
Speaker 1: grasp the concept that, just like they do, you have
7:51
Speaker 1: a past. The kunt is married, all right, so he
7:56
Speaker 1: doesn't have not that anyone with retroactive jealousy has a
7:59
Speaker 1: leg to stay, but less for this one. Okay, you're
8:03
Speaker 1: fucking married, bro right. I have a past. I've dated
8:07
Speaker 1: people in the past, as most people do. I existed
8:11
Speaker 1: before you came into my life, and part of that
8:14
Speaker 1: existence is forming bonds, connections, and entering in and out
8:18
Speaker 1: of relationships. Okay, so people with retroactive jealousy really struggle
8:23
Speaker 1: to fathom that it's no longer a threat. They see
8:28
Speaker 1: it as a present threat. They see it as they
8:31
Speaker 1: are trying to have ownership over you and your past.
8:35
Speaker 1: So I have an entire episode on retroactive jealousy. It's
8:38
Speaker 1: literally called retroactive jealousy. If you go into my podcast
8:41
Speaker 1: thing and just type that in, that will pop up.
8:44
Speaker 1: Have a listen to it. It's going to give you
8:45
Speaker 1: a really deep understanding of what it is, what it
8:47
Speaker 1: looks like, how it manifests, and like things that you
8:50
Speaker 1: can do around it. But I think number one, it's
8:52
Speaker 1: important to have him listen to that episode or take
8:56
Speaker 1: points from that episode, and you communicate it in the
8:59
Speaker 1: best way that you think he would receive that information.
9:02
Speaker 1: Another really important thing to note is that it's really
9:08
Speaker 1: difficult for someone to admit that something isn't insecurity, especially
9:13
Speaker 1: if someone's like quite a much. So I don't know
9:15
Speaker 1: what your partner's like, but like this much. I think
9:17
Speaker 1: they they don't look at it as an insecurity. They
9:20
Speaker 1: look at it as like, well, I just don't like
9:22
Speaker 1: thinking about that, and I just don't want this. I
9:23
Speaker 1: just don't They try and turn it into something that
9:25
Speaker 1: it's absolutely not It is a fear. It's a fear
9:28
Speaker 1: that they're not going to live up to the X.
9:30
Speaker 1: That you might still have pleasant feelings about the X,
9:33
Speaker 1: that you this, that you that it all comes down
9:35
Speaker 1: to fear, okay, which is then triggering an insecurity. Am
9:39
Speaker 1: I not good enough? Okay? If you genuinely have no
9:46
Speaker 1: if you don't see the X as a threat in
9:48
Speaker 1: any way, shape or form, then there's no way you're
9:51
Speaker 1: going to be retroactively jealous. Okay. I even had someone
9:54
Speaker 1: write into me once, and I even write about this
9:57
Speaker 1: in my book. This man wrote into me and he said,
10:00
Speaker 1: you have literally saved my marriage. I've been married for
10:03
Speaker 1: like decades. This man had been married for decades, and
10:06
Speaker 1: he said that he would always make his wife feel
10:10
Speaker 1: so uncomfortable every time she raised something about her past,
10:14
Speaker 1: especially when it had to do with a partner, even
10:16
Speaker 1: if it was indirect, like when she talks about a
10:18
Speaker 1: trip to Italy, but the partner her ex was there
10:21
Speaker 1: with her, obviously, and he would make her feel so
10:24
Speaker 1: uncomfortable that he'd press her and press her, and then
10:26
Speaker 1: he'd find out that she'd withhold information. And then one
10:29
Speaker 1: day he heard the retroactive jealousy episode, and he's like,
10:33
Speaker 1: I now realize that the reason she was withholding information,
10:35
Speaker 1: it's not because she's lying, is because she didn't want
10:37
Speaker 1: to deal with my fucking shit and my tantrums every
10:40
Speaker 1: time I made her feel so shit for just having
10:42
Speaker 1: had a past, so she'd like, omit tiny little details
10:45
Speaker 1: because she didn't she couldn't be bothered, right, And so
10:48
Speaker 1: he fully had this crazy understanding that he made his
10:51
Speaker 1: wife listen to the podcast and she was like, I
10:55
Speaker 1: finally feel seen and heard by you and by this
10:58
Speaker 1: person me who did the podcast. And he said that
11:00
Speaker 1: from that day onwards, their marriage has just gone leaps
11:03
Speaker 1: and bounds because he was able to like really finally
11:07
Speaker 1: say to his wife, this is what I'm going through
11:09
Speaker 1: and I need to change this, and I'm now aware
11:11
Speaker 1: of what it is. Okay, So as far as supporting
11:13
Speaker 1: your partner, that is an unhealthy behavior and that absolutely
11:15
Speaker 1: needs to change because his behavior is the only thing
11:19
Speaker 1: that can change. There's nothing you can do to change
11:21
Speaker 1: because you are entitled to your past and nobody should
11:25
Speaker 1: make you feel wrong. Now disclaimer here this obviously this
11:30
Speaker 1: goes without saying because some people just like comment absolute
11:33
Speaker 1: bullshit on some of the things that I that I
11:35
Speaker 1: put up on social This obviously does not include if
11:38
Speaker 1: you were still like talking to your ex flirting, Oh
11:42
Speaker 1: my god, ah giving all this not like this is
11:44
Speaker 1: we're talking about adults behaving appropriately who still have an
11:48
Speaker 1: issue with you having had a past. That is what
11:50
Speaker 1: we're referring to. Okay, hopefully that gave you some insight,
11:54
Speaker 1: but definitely check out that episode. I think it will
11:56
Speaker 1: help you massively. All Right, next one.
12:01
Speaker 3: Hi, just calling in. I'm someone who was anxiously attached
12:05
Speaker 3: and now I am securely attached. For me, I guess
12:09
Speaker 3: it's been like a six year process since my first
12:12
Speaker 3: relationship as an eighteen year old and I, you know,
12:16
Speaker 3: it was really immature and just I couldn't be alone
12:19
Speaker 3: and all those things that you've mentioned the traits, And
12:22
Speaker 3: then I was listening to the traits because I thought
12:24
Speaker 3: maybe I still am anxiously attached, but none of them
12:26
Speaker 3: relate to me anymore. I'm in a new relationship and
12:30
Speaker 3: I love to be alone. I really love my hobbies,
12:34
Speaker 3: my routine, and what really helped me was just having
12:37
Speaker 3: a morning routine that makes me feel good, which you
12:39
Speaker 3: helped me find. Every morning get up, go do yo,
12:43
Speaker 3: go for a run, have my coffee, do some journaling,
12:46
Speaker 3: and just made me realize how much I love working
12:49
Speaker 3: on myself and you really need time for yourself, and
12:52
Speaker 3: that not everything is about the relationship. So I guess
12:56
Speaker 3: just finding yourself, listening to music, you need a dance,
13:00
Speaker 3: sit out and be on your own. You can't do
13:01
Speaker 3: that with the boy.
13:02
Speaker 1: He just won't get it.
13:04
Speaker 3: And yeah, so that those are some things that have
13:06
Speaker 3: helped me. And listening to do you Fucking Mind as well, obviously.
13:12
Speaker 1: Oh my god, I love that so much. And this
13:14
Speaker 1: is because, like I remember a few weeks ago, I
13:16
Speaker 1: was like, guys, when I did the Anxious Anxious Attachment
13:19
Speaker 1: podcast episode, and I was like, if you've gone from
13:21
Speaker 1: anxious to secure, please like message in so I'm so
13:24
Speaker 1: happy that you sent that message. And this is a
13:28
Speaker 1: prime example. It's like, it's not just about the relationship.
13:33
Speaker 1: So much about your attachment has to do with your
13:36
Speaker 1: relationship with yourself. And the more you prioritize yourself, the
13:40
Speaker 1: more you heal with yourself, the more you start to
13:42
Speaker 1: realize I am good company, I'm a fucking good time.
13:46
Speaker 1: The less you feel threatened by the actions of others
13:50
Speaker 1: within relationships because you're you're constant. Like someone said, what
13:54
Speaker 1: I learned today, I'm my own constant. It's like the
13:56
Speaker 1: more you realize you are that person that's always going
13:59
Speaker 1: to be there, you especially like, yes in the hard times,
14:02
Speaker 1: but more so in the good times, because hopefully you're
14:05
Speaker 1: having more good times than you are having really hard times,
14:08
Speaker 1: and you want to be there for the good times
14:10
Speaker 1: on your own, like dancing it out on your own,
14:12
Speaker 1: doing these morning routines, going for the run or yoga
14:14
Speaker 1: and your coffin, you're journaling all these things. You start
14:16
Speaker 1: to really build on that relationship with yourself and that
14:19
Speaker 1: helps your attachment style incredibly. And then lay it on
14:22
Speaker 1: top of that, being in a securely attached relationship with
14:24
Speaker 1: someone who is securely attached just is such a good
14:28
Speaker 1: Like when you can be with someone who's securely attached,
14:30
Speaker 1: they are if you're willing to accept the lead, you
14:33
Speaker 1: can learn so much from them. It's really quite a
14:36
Speaker 1: beautiful thing. And a few people did write in about
14:40
Speaker 1: how they learn so much about secure attachment by being
14:43
Speaker 1: with someone who was securely attached. So thank you so much.
14:46
Speaker 1: Love love love, love, love, love love all right, third.
14:49
Speaker 4: One, Hey, Alex, I love your podcast so much. My
14:57
Speaker 4: question is, how do you know if it's the right
14:59
Speaker 4: time to take a leap faith? Like, so you wanted
15:02
Speaker 4: to start a new career or open up a business.
15:05
Speaker 4: How can you differentiate between feeling ready and taking a
15:09
Speaker 4: leap of faith or just being impulsive?
15:16
Speaker 1: Great, great question, And it's so hard when you're trying
15:22
Speaker 1: to like, when you just look at it initially, there's
15:24
Speaker 1: so many things that we want to do impulsively, right,
15:26
Speaker 1: There's so many things that because the funnest time off
15:30
Speaker 1: an idea is in the initial brainstorm planning, right, we
15:34
Speaker 1: get caught up on like, oh, I want to live
15:35
Speaker 1: in another country, I want to launch this business. That's
15:38
Speaker 1: going to be the best time. Then when you actually
15:41
Speaker 1: decide to bite the bullet and think, okay, now I'm
15:42
Speaker 1: actually going to work, then it requires all the well
15:45
Speaker 1: not all, but it requires a lot of ugly It
15:47
Speaker 1: requires a lot of effort, money, risk, failure, roadblocks, all
15:53
Speaker 1: this shit. Okay, so a lot of us. The problem is,
15:56
Speaker 1: though a lot of us will sit in that excitement
16:00
Speaker 1: like is this me just getting excited about something when
16:03
Speaker 1: in reality I'd actually hate or not hate, but think
16:06
Speaker 1: that the actual unfolding, the actual reality if it is
16:09
Speaker 1: not something I'd want to do or not something that
16:11
Speaker 1: would work for me, versus is this something I'm actually
16:14
Speaker 1: pooled to do and I really really need to just
16:18
Speaker 1: take that leap and do it. So when you're looking
16:20
Speaker 1: at taking a leap of faith, I think it's important
16:23
Speaker 1: to ask yourself a couple of questions. Firstly, ask yourself,
16:27
Speaker 1: how do I feel about this when I revisited in
16:30
Speaker 1: different moods? Because you know that and I quoted this
16:34
Speaker 1: very recently, but I'm going to butcher it. But it's
16:37
Speaker 1: something like, don't make a promise when you're happy, don't
16:42
Speaker 1: you know? Say something when you don't reply when you're angry,
16:44
Speaker 1: Don't you know that? And it's the same thing. Sometimes
16:47
Speaker 1: we'll be so excited so whatever that we promise this,
16:49
Speaker 1: we're gonna do. That's right. But then once the adrenaline
16:51
Speaker 1: has calmed down and once we've looked at it again,
16:53
Speaker 1: we're like, actually, that's not really something that would fit
16:56
Speaker 1: into my life. So you've got to ask yourself, how
16:58
Speaker 1: do I feel about this thing across a couple of
17:00
Speaker 1: days or weeks and across different moods, Like when I
17:04
Speaker 1: first wake up, when I go to bed at night,
17:06
Speaker 1: If I've looked at this a couple of times, when
17:08
Speaker 1: I'm calm, when I'm excited, when and overall, does it
17:12
Speaker 1: still sound like a good idea? That's one thing that
17:14
Speaker 1: you need to factor in. The Next thing is what
17:18
Speaker 1: is the alternative that I'm choosing? And why am I
17:20
Speaker 1: choosing this alternative? Because every time there's the idea, we're
17:24
Speaker 1: not taking a leap of faith. We're still making a choice,
17:26
Speaker 1: and that choice is to stay. So when you're looking
17:29
Speaker 1: at the choice of not taking the leap, what's the
17:31
Speaker 1: alternative and why am I choosing the alternative? Because for
17:37
Speaker 1: some people it's because the alternative is still really good
17:40
Speaker 1: and I still really like it, and I'm kind of
17:41
Speaker 1: at a fork in I'm at a fork in the
17:43
Speaker 1: road and there's two great lives I could lead and
17:46
Speaker 1: pulled this on, and that's quite difficult. But for a
17:48
Speaker 1: lot of people, it's because it's all I've ever known
17:51
Speaker 1: and it's safe. But I wake up every morning being
17:54
Speaker 1: like my life could be this and it's not. But
17:56
Speaker 1: the thought of changing it terrifies me because what if
17:58
Speaker 1: I failed. Okay, so you've got to really think what
18:03
Speaker 1: alternative am I choosing? What is my current and is
18:07
Speaker 1: it safe? Is it something that's actually fulfilling? Is it
18:10
Speaker 1: something that if I stayed here for the next one year,
18:13
Speaker 1: two years, five years, I would still feel fulfilled. Because
18:16
Speaker 1: if the answer is no for those things, then it's
18:18
Speaker 1: you should be pushed more to take that leap. Then
18:21
Speaker 1: it's it is import It is really important for you
18:23
Speaker 1: to ask yourself what actually is the worst case scenario
18:27
Speaker 1: and do I have the tools to manage it? Because
18:31
Speaker 1: if you don't have the tools to manage it, your
18:34
Speaker 1: fear going into it might actually cock block you from
18:37
Speaker 1: you doing good things. If you think I actually can
18:41
Speaker 1: afford for this to fail, I have a skill set,
18:44
Speaker 1: I'm really employable. I could go back to what I'm
18:47
Speaker 1: doing now. If it all failed, like it would suck,
18:49
Speaker 1: I might be embarrassed, I would lose some money, it
18:53
Speaker 1: would put me behind by a couple of months, it
18:55
Speaker 1: would so all these things, but all things I can
18:58
Speaker 1: actually deal with. I've looked at it all and at
19:00
Speaker 1: no point am I going to be on the street
19:02
Speaker 1: or am I going to be what?
19:05
Speaker 2: You know?
19:05
Speaker 1: Like, you weigh it up and then you think, okay,
19:09
Speaker 1: I've looked at it because a lot of people avoid
19:10
Speaker 1: thinking of worst case scenario. No one wants to think
19:12
Speaker 1: about the you know, if if fee, but no one
19:14
Speaker 1: wants to really conceptualize what actual failure looks like because
19:18
Speaker 1: we don't want to experience it. And no, you're not
19:21
Speaker 1: manifesting it by just thinking what would the worst case
19:23
Speaker 1: scenario be? You're just looking at it coldly. And when
19:27
Speaker 1: you're able to look at that and think I actually
19:29
Speaker 1: could survive all of that, if the answer is yes,
19:32
Speaker 1: then you will feel so much more confident about doing
19:35
Speaker 1: this thing. The times that it's that it's scary to
19:38
Speaker 1: take a leap of faith is when you've got it
19:40
Speaker 1: good and you could risk it all to take a
19:43
Speaker 1: leap of faith somewhere else. That's where it's scary, and
19:46
Speaker 1: that's where people get stuck and start like questioning and
19:48
Speaker 1: over questioning it. And you know, because if you've got
19:51
Speaker 1: something really good and you're going to sacrifice something really
19:53
Speaker 1: good for a risk, that's why people don't want to
19:55
Speaker 1: do it. Okay, So what I would say is what
19:59
Speaker 1: is the worst cascenario? Can you survive it? Because I
20:03
Speaker 1: also think that because a lot of people say you
20:05
Speaker 1: know that you should never have a plan B. It
20:07
Speaker 1: should only ever be a plan A. Put all your
20:09
Speaker 1: eggs in one basket, put this, put that. I don't
20:11
Speaker 1: believe in that. I genuinely don't. I think, yes, you
20:15
Speaker 1: should be fully committed once you decide on something. I
20:18
Speaker 1: think yet, but I think you should have a thousand
20:21
Speaker 1: different options for where your life could be headed. We
20:23
Speaker 1: are dynamic people. We are you know, we can remold
20:29
Speaker 1: ourselves and reshape ourselves a thousand times over in our life. Okay,
20:32
Speaker 1: So I don't think that you should be like, if
20:34
Speaker 1: this isn't working, you've got to you're not working hard enough,
20:36
Speaker 1: you haven't sacrificed enough, you haven't. I don't believe in that.
20:39
Speaker 1: I think it's okay to know when to quit. I
20:41
Speaker 1: think it's okay for you to be like, this is
20:42
Speaker 1: not fucking working, and I'm also not happy. I'm going
20:45
Speaker 1: down this other route or this other route or this
20:47
Speaker 1: other rout And it doesn't even have to be in
20:48
Speaker 1: a hierarchy. It doesn't have to be plan A, B, C, D.
20:51
Speaker 1: It could be I've got multiple plans, and I'm going
20:53
Speaker 1: down this route first, and then I'm going down this route.
20:55
Speaker 1: So my answer to you, in a nutshell would be
20:58
Speaker 1: number one, why why are you staying where you're staying?
21:01
Speaker 1: Because you're making a choice every day to stay. Why
21:03
Speaker 1: why are you so compelled to stay? And what aspects
21:06
Speaker 1: of that could you still have if you took that
21:09
Speaker 1: leap of faith. You could still have your friends, you
21:11
Speaker 1: would still have your family, you would still have your health,
21:13
Speaker 1: you would still I'm guessing there's many things that would
21:17
Speaker 1: actually still stay constant in your life. Why am I
21:20
Speaker 1: choosing to stay? What is the worst case scenario of
21:23
Speaker 1: risking it? And then would I actually be happy in three,
21:27
Speaker 1: four or five years if I didn't take that leap
21:29
Speaker 1: of faith? And then ask yourself about this thing that
21:31
Speaker 1: you want to do across different moods, across several days
21:34
Speaker 1: or weeks. Okay, So, for example, when I went and
21:39
Speaker 1: did that leap of faith and bought that ticket to
21:40
Speaker 1: go to France, yes it was an impulsive decision to
21:43
Speaker 1: buy the ticket that night, But in me brewing for months,
21:47
Speaker 1: was I just need to get out. I need to
21:50
Speaker 1: get out. I don't know what it is. I'm not
21:51
Speaker 1: this out, but I know I'm not happy here. And
21:53
Speaker 1: if I was in this situation again, for another year,
21:55
Speaker 1: I'd be so annoyed. So at least I knew that.
21:59
Speaker 1: So even though when I bore the ticket to go
22:00
Speaker 1: to France it was like on a whim because my
22:02
Speaker 1: credit card details worked when I punched it in and
22:04
Speaker 1: I remembered them, that was very much like, yes, impulsive
22:10
Speaker 1: and yes a leap of faith, but based on a
22:13
Speaker 1: deep knowledge of what I knew I wanted and what
22:15
Speaker 1: I knew I didn't want. Okay, thank you so much
22:19
Speaker 1: for writing in love. Okay, this one's a written one.
22:23
Speaker 1: I'm going to be reading it out high. Alexis. I
22:28
Speaker 1: was wondering if you could please shed some light on
22:30
Speaker 1: a situation that I'm navigating and let me know your thoughts.
22:34
Speaker 1: I'm twenty five years old and I'm in an almost
22:36
Speaker 1: four year relationship with the guy that I believed to
22:38
Speaker 1: be my person at the start of this year. We
22:40
Speaker 1: purchased our first home together and recently got a rehomed
22:44
Speaker 1: dog who we are obsessed with and has brought us
22:46
Speaker 1: even closer together. Adorable. My partner is my exact kind
22:51
Speaker 1: of person, kind, funny, mature, emotionally intelligent, and just an
22:55
Speaker 1: all around great guy. However, he has adhd and he
22:59
Speaker 1: has a real, really hard time regulating his emotions. He
23:02
Speaker 1: has been on medication for now two years and this
23:05
Speaker 1: has helped heaps. But now and then he has an
23:08
Speaker 1: outburst and I am the one to bear the brunt
23:10
Speaker 1: of it. Throughout our relationship, this kind of thing has
23:13
Speaker 1: occurred approximately five to six times. It will start over
23:16
Speaker 1: something little, and it hasn't happened now for about a year.
23:19
Speaker 1: But last week it happened again. We were bickering in
23:22
Speaker 1: the car and it just escalated beyond belief. I made
23:25
Speaker 1: the stupid mistake of calling him crazy and saying, I
23:28
Speaker 1: can't believe you thought coming off your ant anxiety medication
23:31
Speaker 1: was a good idea. I've since apologized for this comment,
23:34
Speaker 1: but that was what sent him into an emotional mess.
23:37
Speaker 1: He went from laughing in my face, making a kissy
23:40
Speaker 1: face like he was egging me on to slap him
23:42
Speaker 1: or something, slammed the car door so hard that I
23:44
Speaker 1: thought it was going to break off and kick the
23:46
Speaker 1: garage door. By this point, I was bawling because this
23:49
Speaker 1: behavior took me straight back to the stuff I experienced
23:52
Speaker 1: with my stepdad, which my partner knows about, making this
23:56
Speaker 1: making this hurt even more. I ended up calling his
23:58
Speaker 1: dad to come and collect him for context. He has
24:01
Speaker 1: also been drinking, and whilst this makes outbursts worse, it
24:05
Speaker 1: has occurred before when he was sober, so it happens
24:09
Speaker 1: both sober and drunk. I honestly don't know what to do.
24:12
Speaker 1: He is so embarrassed by his behavior and incredibly remorseful,
24:15
Speaker 1: and I can see how angry he is at himself
24:17
Speaker 1: for treating me this way. Again, there is no attempt
24:21
Speaker 1: by him to shift the blame onto me. And he's
24:23
Speaker 1: always been super aware of his outbursts and made a
24:25
Speaker 1: genuine attempt to not let them happen. And I have
24:28
Speaker 1: noticed an improvement in him, but the other day was
24:31
Speaker 1: the worst one yet, and I'm having genuine doubts now.
24:34
Speaker 1: I wish I wasn't because it would break my heart
24:37
Speaker 1: if we split up. But it is it wise to
24:39
Speaker 1: further invest in a life with this person. I want
24:42
Speaker 1: to stay with him, but how would you recommend he
24:44
Speaker 1: addressed these outbursts, and at what point would you walk away?
24:48
Speaker 1: I know it's not my responsibility to fix him, but
24:51
Speaker 1: he's like a broken bird who needs help. If you
24:53
Speaker 1: see this and can provide some of your incredible wisdom
24:55
Speaker 1: which I value so highly. That would be amazing. That
24:59
Speaker 1: is so like sad and difficult, And I think the
25:08
Speaker 1: thing is, this is what you got to think of.
25:09
Speaker 1: Number one, ADHD, medication alcohol or not, all of this
25:15
Speaker 1: or not. There is never, ever, ever an excuse for
25:21
Speaker 1: someone to treat you in a way where you are
25:23
Speaker 1: genuinely terrified. Ever, even if they're like, well, it's this
25:28
Speaker 1: thing affecting. So for example, if I was being treated
25:32
Speaker 1: by my partner in a way where there was like, oh,
25:34
Speaker 1: but you know, it's this thing that's making me do it,
25:36
Speaker 1: I'd be like, that really sucks, that's really awful. But
25:38
Speaker 1: I just can't mean this relationship because just because you're
25:42
Speaker 1: going through something that's causing you to abuse me, that
25:44
Speaker 1: doesn't mean I have to put up with it. That's
25:46
Speaker 1: number one. At no point ever, ever, ever do you
25:49
Speaker 1: need to put up with certain behavior because it's hard
25:52
Speaker 1: for them. Never. All right, now, what do you need
25:58
Speaker 1: to What would you need to see in order to
26:01
Speaker 1: stay with him? Is your? Is the question? Right? What
26:05
Speaker 1: changes do I need to see in order for me
26:08
Speaker 1: to think I feel comfortable and safe enough to stay
26:12
Speaker 1: with him? I feel like I'm not it's not a
26:15
Speaker 1: ticking time bomb until the next time it happens, because
26:18
Speaker 1: if this happened another three times, you would probably be
26:21
Speaker 1: kicking yourself being like, this is not the kind of
26:23
Speaker 1: person that I want to be in a relationship with.
26:25
Speaker 1: This is not what I've signed up for. Okay, So
26:29
Speaker 1: I think that you've got to really get clear on
26:31
Speaker 1: what does that look like? And there needs to be
26:33
Speaker 1: measurable things. I think Number one, I would need to
26:36
Speaker 1: see my partner go to therapy. I would need that
26:39
Speaker 1: to me. If that happened, it's therapy or we're done.
26:42
Speaker 1: There's no question about it. And if someone is resistant
26:47
Speaker 1: to therapy, I'm sorry, but that's your answer. I want
26:50
Speaker 1: to change, but not that much because I find therapy uncomfortable. Well,
26:54
Speaker 1: I find you kicking a garage door and making me
26:56
Speaker 1: scared as fuck uncomfortable too. We're all fucking uncomfortable, and
27:00
Speaker 1: if you're not willing to put yourself in an uncomfortable position,
27:02
Speaker 1: then I'll fucking make you uncomfortable by leaving. Okay, It's
27:05
Speaker 1: that simple. So therapy is an absolutely no undgosip. You
27:07
Speaker 1: need to talk the shit out. The other thing that
27:11
Speaker 1: you need to ask yourself is because you said you
27:13
Speaker 1: bear the brunt of it. If someone can selectively decide
27:16
Speaker 1: who they're going to snap at, it is within their control. Okay,
27:21
Speaker 1: simple if you if he only ever snaps at you,
27:25
Speaker 1: that means that he can control not snapping at other people.
27:30
Speaker 1: So do with that information what you want. But if
27:33
Speaker 1: I saw my partner only ever, if he did it
27:36
Speaker 1: to everyone, not okay, first, I wouldn't be someone that
27:38
Speaker 1: was doing it with someone that would do it all
27:40
Speaker 1: the time. But if I spoke to my partner's family
27:43
Speaker 1: and they'd said, oh, yeah, this is like something he's
27:45
Speaker 1: been dealing with or whatever, or then I'd be like,
27:47
Speaker 1: all right, this is across the board. Still, it doesn't
27:48
Speaker 1: make it okay, but I'd be like it obviously is
27:51
Speaker 1: like really difficult to control. More reason to go to therapy.
27:55
Speaker 1: But if it was something that only ever happens to
27:58
Speaker 1: you or an ex partner that he's had, then he
28:02
Speaker 1: can not do it if he wants to, because he's
28:07
Speaker 1: selective on who he explodes with. And that is the
28:11
Speaker 1: number one thing that you have to remind yourself off.
28:14
Speaker 1: To anybody who's listening who is in an abusive relationship.
28:18
Speaker 1: If your partner can selectively only abuse you, but says
28:22
Speaker 1: they have no control. They are lying because if they
28:25
Speaker 1: had no control, they would be going around and snapping
28:28
Speaker 1: and having outbursts to other people as well because they
28:31
Speaker 1: really can't control it. Okay, So with that information, what
28:35
Speaker 1: I would do if I were you is like, yes,
28:37
Speaker 1: we've built a great life together, but nothing is worth
28:41
Speaker 1: having to experience that regularly. For God knows how long
28:44
Speaker 1: I need you to go to therapy. I'm willing to
28:47
Speaker 1: go to some of those sessions with you. I'm willing
28:49
Speaker 1: to you know, invest in this together, like I. It's
28:54
Speaker 1: not like I'm punishing you. This is to help us,
28:57
Speaker 1: you know, it's you go, we can go together, for
29:00
Speaker 1: you go along for some you actually have to work
29:01
Speaker 1: through these things because ADHD does not cause people to
29:07
Speaker 1: be violent. Okay, it could cause certain things that bring
29:11
Speaker 1: up what is causing him to be violent, But that
29:15
Speaker 1: thing that's causing these outverts is something that he would
29:18
Speaker 1: benefit greatly from going to talk therapy, Okay. And then
29:23
Speaker 1: of course the therapist whoever understands his case in way
29:26
Speaker 1: more detail than I ever could based off one email,
29:29
Speaker 1: would be able to like put processes in place, behaviors
29:32
Speaker 1: in place, you know, different tools, different ways of learning
29:36
Speaker 1: about himself and healing and managing his emotions and everything
29:40
Speaker 1: like that. But for me, a non negotiable would be that,
29:44
Speaker 1: And I'm really sorry that you're going through that, and
29:46
Speaker 1: I'm really sorry that you know that everything else aligns
29:48
Speaker 1: so well, but that's because it can be terrifying. And
29:51
Speaker 1: the fact that you said that there was a gap,
29:53
Speaker 1: but then it happened and it's the worst one yet,
29:56
Speaker 1: does this mean that it's just going to escalate worse
29:58
Speaker 1: and worse every time, Because the fact that there's a
30:01
Speaker 1: gap in between really doesn't if it's just happened. It
30:04
Speaker 1: doesn't matter how long it was in between this one
30:06
Speaker 1: and the last one. It's happened, and that's a problem
30:09
Speaker 1: and it needs to be addressed. So yeah, hopefully that
30:13
Speaker 1: gave you like that would be my advice to you.
30:15
Speaker 1: I think you need to really protect yourself in this.
30:18
Speaker 1: I think sometimes people really lose a lot of themselves
30:21
Speaker 1: trying so hard to protect their partner and they care.
30:25
Speaker 1: You care about your partner, and you care about the relationship,
30:28
Speaker 1: and there is so much good about this person, and
30:30
Speaker 1: there is so much good within the relationship, and because
30:33
Speaker 1: of that acknowledgment, a lot of people will lose so
30:36
Speaker 1: much of themselves trying to really like just lean into
30:40
Speaker 1: the good and like push aside the bad and put
30:42
Speaker 1: up with it. But what ends up happening is that
30:44
Speaker 1: it will if it continues happening, it's going to erode
30:46
Speaker 1: a road, a road, a road, a road, and then
30:48
Speaker 1: you're going to feel like, well, I've spent so much
30:50
Speaker 1: time in this relationship. Is that sunk cost fallacy? You know?
30:53
Speaker 1: I just can't give up now. It's never too late
30:57
Speaker 1: to start over, to start in your relationship. It's never
31:00
Speaker 1: to let anything. What you've got to focus on is
31:02
Speaker 1: is this actually the relationship for me? Taking account everything,
31:09
Speaker 1: not just the good everything, Is this what I want
31:12
Speaker 1: for my future? Because your partner, whether they mean to
31:15
Speaker 1: or not, whether whatever or not, has to be the
31:17
Speaker 1: safest person in your life. If your partner is not
31:23
Speaker 1: the safest person in your life, you should not be
31:25
Speaker 1: with that person. You should not be with that person.
31:29
Speaker 1: The amount of people, myself included, that have been in
31:32
Speaker 1: a relationship where I've not felt safe and now I
31:37
Speaker 1: look back thinking that is just wild that the person
31:39
Speaker 1: that I choose to have the most intimate relationship of
31:42
Speaker 1: my life with I don't feel safe around thinking about
31:47
Speaker 1: it now in hindsight after coming out the other end,
31:50
Speaker 1: is just crazy. Okay, So ask yourself that question, ask
31:55
Speaker 1: yourself all the questions I just told you to ask yourself.
31:58
Speaker 1: Go back and listen to it again and really think
32:00
Speaker 1: about it. But yes, start with therapy. I'm not saying
32:02
Speaker 1: go dump him tomorrow. I'm saying I need to see
32:04
Speaker 1: you want to change, and I need to see you
32:06
Speaker 1: want to change enough to actually do the hard thing. Okay.
32:10
Speaker 1: Thank you so much everyone for writing in, for listening,
32:14
Speaker 1: for sharing your voicemails, your voice messages, your emails. I
32:18
Speaker 1: really really really appreciate it. It It just honestly means
32:22
Speaker 1: so much to me. It feels like we're having like
32:24
Speaker 1: a conversation. It's amazing. That is all for today's episode,
32:28
Speaker 1: Love you guys so much. As always, remember be kind
32:30
Speaker 1: to yourself, be kind to your brain, don't take shit
32:32
Speaker 1: from anyone, and especially don't take shit from yourself. Donke
32:35
Speaker 1: also join the Self Love Club broadcast channel. It's a
32:39
Speaker 1: fucking vibe. Love you by