Latest / The Habit Lab / Friendship Files #3-Lose Your Rejection Button

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Friendship Files #3-Lose Your Rejection Button · The Habit Lab

1:08
SPEAKER_00: We all have areas in our life we might feel stuck or overwhelmed.
1:12
SPEAKER_00: So join me, Jenna Zint, habit coach, teacher, and follower of Jesus as we go after little bits of better by building offensively small habits that create big impact.
1:23
SPEAKER_00: This is the Habit Lab Podcast.
1:31
SPEAKER_00: Welcome to the Friendship Files.
1:33
SPEAKER_00: This is episode three.
1:35
SPEAKER_00: This might be the slowest series I've ever put out.
1:38
SPEAKER_00: I think I'm it's one every two weeks.
1:40
SPEAKER_00: Sorry, y'all.
1:41
SPEAKER_00: Just real life happening in the thick up in here.
1:44
SPEAKER_00: The zent house.
1:45
SPEAKER_00: Um, I appreciate your graciousness.
1:47
SPEAKER_00: Anyways, this series, like I said, came from a talk I've done um locally, and I was like, oh, I'm gonna break it up into a bunch of parts.
1:56
SPEAKER_00: So um this episode is about losing your rejection button.
2:02
SPEAKER_00: Uh sometimes I think about like one of the biggest shifts in how I showed up in friendship, and then also friendship pain or just relational pain for me was going after losing my rejection button.
2:19
SPEAKER_00: Which gosh, it is it's a journey, it's a process, but it's learning how to I think of it like um I know we've used the analogy before, it's almost like our our identity is I think of it like a Tupperware container.
2:33
SPEAKER_00: I have some that I store soup in and it's kind of like tall, uh cylindric, and the lid screws on.
2:39
SPEAKER_00: And I'm imagining with our identity cut, like what gets to go into our identity?
2:45
SPEAKER_00: That's everything that honestly, I've said it before, oversimplifying it, but everything that Jesus did.
2:51
SPEAKER_00: Like our identity is not added to or diminished by anything we do.
2:56
SPEAKER_00: Like, you know, this is literally the basic concept that Paul writes about.
3:00
SPEAKER_00: So we're slowly reading, sorry, uh Paul's letters um this whole month with my Bible habit group.
3:06
SPEAKER_00: There's like, I think about 60 of us women.
3:07
SPEAKER_00: So very, very deep into Paul's thoughts, how often he lays out the difference between the law and the grace, and how like his recurring point is that you've done nothing to receive like Jesus, like and to enter the kingdom.
3:20
SPEAKER_00: It's all by grace and there's no work.
3:21
SPEAKER_00: So thinking about my identity and what I'm worth and being called righteous and worth loving and valuable and all those things like that was literally done by God, by Jesus dying on the cross.
3:32
SPEAKER_00: So I think of like Jenna's worth, Jenna's lovability, Jenna's value.
3:37
SPEAKER_00: That like was literally actually filled.
3:40
SPEAKER_00: That tupper was filled however many hundreds of years ago Christ died.
3:46
SPEAKER_00: And then when I received it, of course, maybe I'm growing a more revelation of it, but that is a container that has the lid screwed on, that's like set, that doesn't get diminished by what I do, does not get diminished what other people how other people see me or their perspective of me.
4:01
SPEAKER_00: It doesn't get added to by what I do.
4:04
SPEAKER_00: Like that's literally grace versus the law.
4:06
SPEAKER_00: So like that part of me, my identity is like set, it's full, it's got the lid tightly screwed, it's airproof, it's leak-proof, and it is sitting up on my pantry shelf or in my cupboard.
4:18
SPEAKER_00: I don't know what the right metaphor part would be here.
4:21
SPEAKER_00: So when I'm going around doing errands or when I'm talking with friends or working out details for a party or a hangout or just interacting with someone in the hallway at church, my identity cup, tupperware, whatever, is not out.
4:37
SPEAKER_00: It's not getting sloshed or dipped into based on how they respond because it's a separate thing.
4:44
SPEAKER_00: So you might have pain how someone responds, or they do or don't, or what they say, but like my worth, my value, and my lovability is a sealed deal.
4:53
SPEAKER_00: So that's kind of like the base of this, I would say, is that you have to go on that journey of separating people's actions, words, behaviors, maybe accusations, maybe assumption, maybe messes from your worth.
5:10
SPEAKER_00: It can hurt, but it doesn't actually, it gets escalated to like death content when it becomes about your value or, you know, like as a person my lovable.
5:18
SPEAKER_00: So I always think of like, what does it mean to lose your rejection button?
5:22
SPEAKER_00: I think of it kind of like that little like check engine light or like a little trigger light that lights off when um I'm trying to think of ones that maybe would typically hit me, maybe when someone's curt or cold or passive aggressive or distracted or just like their energies off, you know, like um maybe they're more somber or seem, I don't know, feel like they're giving you vibes.
5:49
SPEAKER_00: So today, I would say that's that's all easy.
5:52
SPEAKER_00: That's all the stuff that I would take and put into like category of things that trigger not only me, Jenna, but obviously as a life coach, I get to sit with a ton of people.
6:01
SPEAKER_00: And those are, I know they're on other people's lists too, of what often triggers that rejection button that we then act or defend or get bigger or littler, whatever your triggered responses, we act out of.
6:12
SPEAKER_00: So today we're talking about how to untangle other people's behaviors, moods, and words from your worth.
6:19
SPEAKER_00: Because I think the the most simple, like I could probably end the podcast here, because 99% 90% of the time, 80% of the time, I'm not sure, it's actually not about you.
6:29
SPEAKER_00: I think talk tupleware metaphor aside, like your identity being set, I'm shocked at how often maybe someone is off.
6:38
SPEAKER_00: Maybe their behaviors are funky.
6:39
SPEAKER_00: I'm not even just making it up.
6:41
SPEAKER_00: They would admit it.
6:42
SPEAKER_00: Maybe their words are Hersh or who, but the root of it is is usually not about me.
6:46
SPEAKER_00: I would say, let's say 80% of the time, it's actually not about me.
6:49
SPEAKER_00: So then the beautiful part of not even doing the deeper work of getting, you know, untangling your identity from people's moods or words or behaviors is actually just assuming that most of the time something's happening that's happening in them.
7:02
SPEAKER_00: Maybe you've tripped on something that was already started from earlier from a conversation with their mom or their dad or a letter they got in the mail or a fight they had with their kids, like whatever.
7:11
SPEAKER_00: But it's shocking to me how much maybe you are coming up against some real different behaviors from them.
7:16
SPEAKER_00: But so much of the time, it's not about us, it's about something else that happened.
7:19
SPEAKER_00: And like that, whoo, that takes that if you go in with the assumption that maybe you are encountering something off in the person, but don't go to like internally, like what I do, why am I mad at me, or even like then or combative, maybe that would be introspective or combative.
7:34
SPEAKER_00: I think I kind of swing between those two pendulums, you know?
7:37
SPEAKER_00: And uh, but how quickly, if you just start assuming, I bet something happened in their day that triggered this.
7:44
SPEAKER_00: Maybe I accidentally bumped into something that was already happened, maybe I shook up something that was in the works that was brewing, but like, oh my gosh, it's shocking how much of the time it's not about you.
7:54
SPEAKER_00: Um, and learning, learning that to untangle the behavior from your worth, and then also how often it's not actually about you, um, that could change how you show up dramatically.
8:05
SPEAKER_00: That will change in friendship.
8:07
SPEAKER_00: So, part one, it's probably not about you.
8:11
SPEAKER_00: One of the most truly freeing shifts in relationships uh in life, like honestly, is assuming this probably isn't about me.
8:22
SPEAKER_00: When someone short or cold or moody or distant or passive aggressive or sarcastic, most of the time they've got something going on behind the scenes that you know nothing about.
8:35
SPEAKER_00: So instead of fawning, instead of fighting, instead of flighting, instead of freezing, I could actually pause and maybe like I'm can feel myself wanting to get triggered to react from what I'm perceiving, what's off in them, but instead be like, hey, hey, hey, you're actually safe.
8:52
SPEAKER_00: They have like, you remember, okay, I just got the mental picture from Winnie the Pooh.
8:57
SPEAKER_00: Was it Eeyore that sometimes would have that little cloud that followed him around?
9:00
SPEAKER_00: I'm pretty sure.
9:01
SPEAKER_00: And he was like, Sometimes when I bump into people and I get wet metaphorically by the rain, I'm like, oh my gosh, what did I do?
9:09
SPEAKER_00: You know, like, did I do?
9:10
SPEAKER_00: And then it's like if you just take two steps back, most of the time you're actually just coming into the atmosphere that person has.
9:15
SPEAKER_00: And not in a judgmental way.
9:17
SPEAKER_00: Like, I actually hope what I've watched in myself as I've realized it's not a me thing, I can get curious.
9:24
SPEAKER_00: If you haven't listened to that podcast about curiosity, it's on our marriage lab, it's about curiosity over contempt.
9:30
SPEAKER_00: It's a huge game changer.
9:31
SPEAKER_00: Because until I can stop going to like reacting, I have to actually make a space to be like, interesting, I just got wet when I bumped into them.
9:38
SPEAKER_00: You know, whether they're short, curt, curt, rude, moody, passive, aggressive, be like, I got splashed.
9:44
SPEAKER_00: Okay.
9:45
SPEAKER_00: And instead of fighting or, you know, going straight to like interacting with that thing, just pausing, taking a step back and engaging curiosity.
9:52
SPEAKER_00: I wonder what could be happening with them versus me thing.
9:55
SPEAKER_00: Like it's really just stop making it about you in a helpful way.
9:58
SPEAKER_00: Like that's the secret sauce to losing your rejection button is making it not about you.
10:02
SPEAKER_00: Um, so, anyways, after curiosity, I then try to go to compassion.
10:07
SPEAKER_00: Like, I wonder what could have happened.
10:09
SPEAKER_00: I wonder, like, they're sad or upset or feel a little cold and we're actually at a party, or we're at the park with kids and they feel a little like grumpy.
10:19
SPEAKER_00: And instead of judgment, when I get curious, like, I wonder why they could be grumpy.
10:23
SPEAKER_00: It's a it's a nice day.
10:24
SPEAKER_00: We're here with our kids.
10:26
SPEAKER_00: Um, and instead of assuming it's about me or trying to figure out what I did, decode we I think it's shocking how many of us instantly get splashed by someone else's mood and go into decoding what we did.
10:37
SPEAKER_00: And again, introspective or aggressive to defend, um, but just like breaking up with that pattern and being like, after curiosity, be like compassionate, like, oh, I feel sad.
10:46
SPEAKER_00: Like some part of me feels like bummed that something happened in them that they're not actually able to be present or enjoy this afternoon at the park.
10:53
SPEAKER_00: And it's not pity, it's not um, you know how people maybe give you like passive, aggressive pity that's kind of like judgment.
11:01
SPEAKER_00: It's not that it's true, like uh, oh, compassion.
11:04
SPEAKER_00: Like, I feel I feel sad that they're not able, I'm sure if you've ever had your kid want one thing, but they get something else, and they actually ruin the time they could have by their bad mood doing the fun thing you're at, like whether you're at a park or a lake or a pool, but because their friend couldn't go or they're not getting ice cream afterwards, they pout by the pool.
11:22
SPEAKER_00: And it's actually a little sad.
11:23
SPEAKER_00: Like once you untangle it, like there's a bit of like, oh, I'm bummed that they're not able to manage themselves in a way that they can enjoy what is happening around them.
11:30
SPEAKER_00: So again, not pity, it's a thin line, but like, oh, compassion of like something's happening in them that is is a is challenging instead of making it about you.
11:38
SPEAKER_00: Um, I think sometimes like maybe they had a hard conversation, maybe there's family stress, maybe they're tired.
11:44
SPEAKER_00: Um, for me, a couple weeks ago, I had some times where I was I got some hard news about a possible diagnosis in one of our families, and I had to go interact with people publicly because of some other things, and I had some errands, and I had this awareness if I if I ran into anyone that I knew, they would see a marked difference in me.
12:03
SPEAKER_00: But I wasn't gonna fake it, like I wasn't gonna be rude, but I did not have actually the energy.
12:07
SPEAKER_00: Like I was kind of grieving processing this potential diagnosis.
12:11
SPEAKER_00: Um, and I'm okay with being in grief if I have to do errands.
12:15
SPEAKER_00: I wasn't going to put on a happy face.
12:18
SPEAKER_00: But that being said, an awareness of they might think it's them.
12:22
SPEAKER_00: They might, if I encounter someone I knew, they might think that uh, you know, I wasn't happy to see them or I was too good for them or I was too busy or whatever.
12:29
SPEAKER_00: Like our minds just so quickly run off when we encounter someone who's in a mood, whatever that mood is, and make it about us.
12:36
SPEAKER_00: So really basic in the reject losing your rejection button, you have to assume it's not about you.
12:42
SPEAKER_00: Um instead of so usually when we someone splashes on us instead of shrinking backwards, I think that's one of the ways that rejection shows up, or over explaining, or for me, I ask a million thousand questions, which is like pestering.
12:59
SPEAKER_00: I've gotten that feedback from some of my good friends.
13:03
SPEAKER_00: Or sometimes I bet you can relate to this one, matching their mood.
13:06
SPEAKER_00: Like, okay, well, if you're not gonna be happy to see me, I'm gonna match your like mood, or if you're gonna be icy, I'll be icy too.
13:13
SPEAKER_00: It's it's funny because it sounds, I don't know, like powerful, but actually to me, I'm like, it's like pouting.
13:21
SPEAKER_00: It's like what my kiddos do, you know?
13:22
SPEAKER_00: So I'm like, okay, I'm not doing that either.
13:24
SPEAKER_00: But instead, if we could actually like if we can break up with this pattern where we we assume it's not a me thing, you can actually engage and choose mercy.
13:33
SPEAKER_00: You can offer grace instead of like just going down the well-worn path of offense.
13:38
SPEAKER_00: Because let's be honest, rejection and then feeling that their actions reflect how they think about you, you know, assuming that their moods, their actions are something about you, and feeling rejected by their mood, then offense and bitterness really happen.
13:51
SPEAKER_00: So actually, like the only way to unlearn that, like to unlearn this is actually to choose a different path when you encounter someone who's grumpy or something, making it not about you, and then assuming, oh, this this hangout is probably gonna require more mercy from me.
14:04
SPEAKER_00: Oh, this conversation or this party is different than what I thought.
14:07
SPEAKER_00: It's probably gonna require me.
14:09
SPEAKER_00: I kind of think about it um now as having grace in my pocket.
14:13
SPEAKER_00: Like, okay, as a mom, in the cold season, like in the winter months, I keep tissues, I keep tissue, actually, wet wipes.
14:20
SPEAKER_00: That's a better example.
14:20
SPEAKER_00: I keep wet wipes in my purse, I keep wet wipes in my car, I have them in my hiking backpack, and I know I'm not alone in this.
14:27
SPEAKER_00: So my kids were like, mom, hand me a wipe.
14:29
SPEAKER_00: And I'm like, and I kind of started thinking of grace like this, where I have to come like instead of offense, like it feels like someone acts a certain way.
14:38
SPEAKER_00: I feel rejected or feel like it's about me, and then offense is right there.
14:41
SPEAKER_00: And then instead working my way backwards, like, oh, no, no, no.
14:44
SPEAKER_00: Okay, what if this isn't a me thing?
14:45
SPEAKER_00: What if something happened in them?
14:46
SPEAKER_00: What would I hand them instead of offense or hand them back match what they're giving me?
14:51
SPEAKER_00: It's probably gonna require me to whip out one of my wet wipes of grace.
14:55
SPEAKER_00: So I come thinking about having grace on hand because I need to give it.
15:00
SPEAKER_00: And it's funny, but the analogy of imagining coming with my pockets full of grace helps me, especially when I'm encountering someone who's a smidge funky, whether it's someone you know or don't know.
15:10
SPEAKER_00: Um instead of matching or responding in a in rejection or offense, um, assuming the situation's gonna be called for grace and how wonderful your pockets are full.
15:23
SPEAKER_00: You came with it shoved in your back pocket.
15:25
SPEAKER_00: It's overflowing.
15:26
SPEAKER_00: This is gonna be it was needed for such a time as this.
15:29
SPEAKER_00: Um, that's what I think like what it looks like to actually lose your rejection button, to have thick skin, but tenderheartedness.
15:37
SPEAKER_00: You're unoffendable, not because you're not picking up or registering their actions or iciness or mood, because but because you've got actually you've unattached your worth from their actions and you've assumed curious, you you got curious, you uh uh came up with a couple options that could tentatively be happening that helped compassion to bloom so that then it makes it easier to reach for grace, reach some grace deep in the back of your pocket to give out.
16:08
SPEAKER_00: Okay, so part two.
16:10
SPEAKER_00: The this title from this episode actually came from my missions trip this past spring.
16:16
SPEAKER_00: Um, my friend, I went on a missions trip to Ecuador for 10 days with my best friend, or well, it was a team of ministry students.
16:24
SPEAKER_00: Our church has a ministry school, and they go, they send trips all around the world.
16:28
SPEAKER_00: And I hadn't got to do a missions trip that was like street evangelists in years.
16:33
SPEAKER_00: Um, and I just had felt like the Lord inviting me to like go do it.
16:36
SPEAKER_00: It was a it was a beautiful experience with him.
16:38
SPEAKER_00: Like I feel like I got just as much as I gave.
16:41
SPEAKER_00: And let let's let me tell you what, they we were doing like four four things a day, four services a day.
16:47
SPEAKER_00: It was like full on.
16:48
SPEAKER_00: But my my friend Michelle, the reason I went is she's actually been leading this trip with her brother-in-law, who's from Ecuador, and a sister-in-law for a couple years.
16:55
SPEAKER_00: So I wanted to go with them under them.
16:57
SPEAKER_00: So I was not a leader, I was just one of the teams or one of the participants, but I roomed and bunked with Michelle because she knows she's a good friend.
17:04
SPEAKER_00: And um, yeah, so this the idea of a rejection button or lose your rejection button actually came from a conversation that I had with her on that trip.
17:12
SPEAKER_00: So we had had um one of those like exhausting days, like literally nothing went as planned.
17:18
SPEAKER_00: It was beautiful though that we had so many pivots.
17:20
SPEAKER_00: We got to go to this like private Catholic school, which they had never had before, and they were a bit tentative, and the Lord just oh, oh, I feel so gender.
17:27
SPEAKER_00: The Holy Spirit just showed up so beautifully.
17:30
SPEAKER_00: We like broke up into teams of like three.
17:33
SPEAKER_00: So it was like 10 teams of three to 10 different classrooms, angels from sixth grade to seniors, and then the Holy Spirit just showed up and people got healed.
17:41
SPEAKER_00: Oh, the seventh grade class, I'm remembering after we, I don't remember, we talked to some older grades and some people got healed and we got some prophetic words, but they it wasn't like this tender as tender as sweet.
17:51
SPEAKER_00: Um, so when we were finished and we wrapped up our time, they told us um that the seventh grade, the Holy Spirit was like really strong in the seventh grade class and the the kids were weeping, and we would go in and just minister to the ones, you know, because there's only three uh team.
18:04
SPEAKER_00: So we went in there um and it was just beautiful.
18:06
SPEAKER_00: So fast forward because we stayed longer because the Holy Spirit was just moving.
18:10
SPEAKER_00: We actually we I think we chose as a team to miss our window to do lunch because we wanted to get to the next thing that we had planned.
18:18
SPEAKER_00: So we were actually extra hungry.
18:21
SPEAKER_00: We had like whoever had protein bars on the bus shared the protein bars, but we actually like skipped lunch to be able to go to the next thing.
18:27
SPEAKER_00: So fast forward that night, which again was probably I think that was the the fourth thing we had done that day, and we had skipped a lunch and we went to these people's house and we were gonna do dinner before we went and did street ministry um for in the like the red light district that night um to like drug addicts and prostitutes.
18:45
SPEAKER_00: It was profound, but anyways, so we're already tired and we have like a long night in front of us and we're actually really hungry, and we finally show up at the place that we're supposed to like pray together for the team, their team, obviously our team, eat and then leave.
18:57
SPEAKER_00: The person in charge um was not very friendly, she was pretty gruff and blunt.
19:04
SPEAKER_00: And um, Michelle tried to ask about pivoting our bit of our plan where we could eat first and then pray second, and because we had had a longer day with our food skipping, uh, you know, having to skip our lunch, and I don't actually think she got to explain that part because the lady um she's a wonderful lady.
19:22
SPEAKER_00: So actually, I think that's real of all of us.
19:24
SPEAKER_00: I bet all of us could have a day that we were cold or blunt or, you know, just not our best selves, even though we're great people.
19:30
SPEAKER_00: So this one one woman was wonderful, but I don't think she heard the whole story and said no, we could not move dinner.
19:37
SPEAKER_00: We were gonna have to do it after the prayer time um because her staff was so excited.
19:40
SPEAKER_00: But like, yeah, I don't think she actually let Michelle fully explain.
19:44
SPEAKER_00: So I was there, I'd been there the whole day, obviously by Michelle's side, and then I was there when she asked the lady, and she was like my friend Michelle is so sweet and tender and like the warmest and the kindest and the most confident and energetic, but invites you in and goes low somehow.
19:59
SPEAKER_00: I don't know how she's all those things, but if you've ever met her, you'll experience her that way.
20:02
SPEAKER_00: Um, anyways, and the lady that she who was running the ministry who was in charge of the the schedule was like no, and she was actually like pretty harsh.
20:10
SPEAKER_00: And so then Michelle like took a beat and then tried to explain again to see if we like she could maybe explain why the edit would be so helpful with the timeline.
20:18
SPEAKER_00: And they were like just flat out gave her a no.
20:21
SPEAKER_00: And I was like, Oh, I don't think I was in the conversation, but I was like near and could hear because I knew she and I had talked, Michelle and I had talked before.
20:28
SPEAKER_00: So then Michelle paused, she smiled, and then like asked how she could help.
20:33
SPEAKER_00: And then I watched her walk into the kitchen to like prep some things.
20:36
SPEAKER_00: Um, and she just had a smile on her face.
20:38
SPEAKER_00: So I walked up next to her as a friend and was like helping her.
20:41
SPEAKER_00: I don't remember what we're doing.
20:42
SPEAKER_00: We're like prepping some things before we started to pray.
20:44
SPEAKER_00: And I was like, okay, um, you didn't flinch.
20:47
SPEAKER_00: Like she wasn't mad, she wasn't grumpy, she wasn't offended.
20:51
SPEAKER_00: Like, I gonna be totally honest.
20:53
SPEAKER_00: I was a hundred percent offended and like annoyed that this lady wouldn't change the schedule on her behalf because I was like, does she know how much we have sacrificed today?
21:03
SPEAKER_00: I'm sorry, I'm laughing at how self-righteous we can get sometimes when we're offended.
21:07
SPEAKER_00: Um, anyways, and Michelle just kept going and she did not let this lady's gruffness like leak on her.
21:14
SPEAKER_00: And she was truly like light and kind and grounded, and it just kind of struck me, and I was like, huh.
21:20
SPEAKER_00: Because I thought maybe like as a friend, I'd go like give her a side hug and encourage her and go on.
21:25
SPEAKER_00: And she did not need any encouraging encouragement.
21:28
SPEAKER_00: So I kept like working with her, and then you know, the night progressed.
21:30
SPEAKER_00: So then the next morning, as we were getting ready, I mean, I don't think they got home till like 1 a.m.
21:34
SPEAKER_00: There was a weird turn of events, and I had to go home with someone on the team who got sick, so I I I didn't actually go on the street mystery with them.
21:40
SPEAKER_00: But um, fast forward the next day, Michelle and I were talking about, I was like, hey, um, you know, recouted that.
21:46
SPEAKER_00: I was like, how did you do that?
21:48
SPEAKER_00: How did you not get grumpy or offended?
21:51
SPEAKER_00: How did you not mirror back her gruffness?
21:54
SPEAKER_00: Like, when that when her mood, how did you not let her mood define your response?
21:59
SPEAKER_00: Like, how did you stay in that spot?
22:01
SPEAKER_00: And and she looked at me and she was like, Oh, she's like, oh yeah, yeah.
22:05
SPEAKER_00: And it was funny because to me it was like an obvious moment.
22:08
SPEAKER_00: I was like, how did she do that ninja level self-control and kindness and grace and mercy?
22:14
SPEAKER_00: Like, I aspire to have that level of skill one day.
22:17
SPEAKER_00: And it's funny because it's almost like she didn't even remember it, like it was did not stick out to her as big as it stuck out to me.
22:22
SPEAKER_00: And she was like, Oh, you know, I know she's wonderful, and I have seen her be flexible in the past.
22:30
SPEAKER_00: So I just assumed that something was happening, probably, or conversation or in her staff that I wasn't aware about.
22:37
SPEAKER_00: And I tried twice and it it wasn't gonna change.
22:41
SPEAKER_00: So I just assumed it wasn't about me and it was my chance to cover her and go along with the plan.
22:47
SPEAKER_00: But I just probably heard assumed something happened I didn't know about and it was a her thing.
22:51
SPEAKER_00: And she's like, I, you know, I've just lost my rejection button years ago.
22:56
SPEAKER_00: So that that story is actually where this whole podcast episode come came from because I was like, it left me pondering that the rest of the trip when she would show up in kindness and maybe a religious per, you know, sorry, one of the church leaders would be gruff, or you know, she'd ask for something and wouldn't get it.
23:11
SPEAKER_00: And she just smiled.
23:12
SPEAKER_00: I was like, oh my gosh, she carries her own, she's fully has it dialed carrying her own internal um atmosphere, if you will.
23:20
SPEAKER_00: But in a way more practical way.
23:22
SPEAKER_00: I think sometimes we think of atmosphere as like your spiritual atmosphere, yes, but her identity, her mood, her worth, her ability to manage herself was not mirrored by someone else's world.
23:32
SPEAKER_00: But that this idea, and she unpacked it a little further because of there'd be a couple times, and she's like, I just always am gonna assume the best about people and always assume there's something I don't know.
23:40
SPEAKER_00: And she's like, I was not confused, it was a me thing because I asked kindly and I was upholding my end of the deal and I knew it.
23:46
SPEAKER_00: So I just knew it was a her thing.
23:48
SPEAKER_00: But instead of which I'm like, okay, okay, that's the first step.
23:51
SPEAKER_00: So I was like taking notes.
23:52
SPEAKER_00: I was like, how do we lose our rejection button?
23:54
SPEAKER_00: And I realized like I've gone on the journey with some level, but that just made me kind of clearly think through like, assume something happened, but instead of that isn't about you, like she just never assumes it's about her because she'll check herself quickly and be like, nope, wasn't rude, resemble a request, yep, yep, yep.
24:10
SPEAKER_00: Um, it's almost like a quick no, no check engine lights on, everything's fine operating in here internally.
24:16
SPEAKER_00: So her that person's reaction must be about them.
24:19
SPEAKER_00: But instead of getting defensive or matching or mirroring it, she goes, she reached into her pocket with compassion and reached with mercy and grace and kept going.
24:26
SPEAKER_00: And I'm like, oh my gosh, how beautiful.
24:28
SPEAKER_00: And then she never obviously brings it up.
24:29
SPEAKER_00: Maybe I'm one of those people.
24:31
SPEAKER_00: I'm still growing, I'm not at her level yet.
24:33
SPEAKER_00: So maybe, I mean, I guess with Erin, if you know, sometimes someone might come back and be like, hey, I'm sorry I was grumpy and you were so kind to me yesterday afternoon or whatever.
24:41
SPEAKER_00: And I'm still at the point where I have to fight, not being like, Yeah, I did give you grace when you were grumpy.
24:46
SPEAKER_00: That's second grade level.
24:48
SPEAKER_00: Let's all let's all try to aspire to Michelle's level, grace, where she's just dropping grace all over the place and no one ever knows about it, and she never acknowledges it because she's just someone who leaks grace and mercy because she so has her own atmosphere dialed that she has grace for us when we have our own, you know, temper tangents or whatever they're whatever's happening to us.
25:08
SPEAKER_00: So um the point leads me to number three who you are isn't up for negotiation.
25:16
SPEAKER_00: I think that's really the secret sauce in watching Michelle and in me, my own journey and what I'm proposing to you in friendship is losing your rejection button comes from being so anchored in who God says you are and your ability to control yourself.
25:32
SPEAKER_00: I think it's both.
25:33
SPEAKER_00: It's like the identity labels, you're worthy, you're value, you're lovable, and I can manage me.
25:39
SPEAKER_00: Because I think there is a bit of the natural literally growing in your ability to control yourself so that someone else's tone or energy doesn't move you.
25:47
SPEAKER_00: To me, I keep going back, I've been processing with a couple of my coaching clients who are trying to untangle their spouse's words, accusation, energy, mood, tones from their worth or value, because then that's usually what escalates.
26:02
SPEAKER_00: And then they respond to their response, and they respond to their response, to their response.
26:06
SPEAKER_00: Um, and so many of our relational messes are made from this.
26:10
SPEAKER_00: So losing your rejection button comes, yes, from being anchored in who God says you are, but also um, again, having someone else's tone or energy not move you because you can manage yourself and control yourself regardless.
26:21
SPEAKER_00: Um, it's not I'm awesome and I don't care what people think or that they have pain.
26:26
SPEAKER_00: It's not that would be like callous and cold.
26:29
SPEAKER_00: I think the real maturity is to be anchored and rooted and have your identity and worth and rejection button gone so that you're like you're a house built on rock.
26:40
SPEAKER_00: So you're not built on sand, you're not fluctuating by someone else's moods or how they respond to you, spouse, friend, whatever, leader.
26:46
SPEAKER_00: But then the second part is to stay tenderhearted where you're still compassionate.
26:52
SPEAKER_00: Um yeah, so that I'm awesome and I don't care what people think is not is a juvenile.
26:57
SPEAKER_00: Maybe it's the first step of I'm awesome.
26:59
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, you got the part, that part, your identity.
27:01
SPEAKER_00: But I don't care what people think is a little too cold and immature, in my opinion.
27:05
SPEAKER_00: So, like to elevate to to grow past that, to be like, I I I, you know, I'm lovable, I'm worth something.
27:11
SPEAKER_00: I didn't actually overstep, nothing was malicious in my heart.
27:14
SPEAKER_00: So something happened in them, no problem.
27:16
SPEAKER_00: There's grace for something either in their day or if I hit them, they are welcome to ask questions, but I'm gonna continue as is.
29:09
SPEAKER_00: Um, and I would love to care for their heart if they are interested in doing that.
29:14
SPEAKER_00: Um, so it's not that.
29:16
SPEAKER_00: It is, sorry, it's not that I'm awesome, I don't care what people think.
29:19
SPEAKER_00: It is, I know who I am because I know whose I am.
29:21
SPEAKER_00: And it's okay if people don't see me right.
29:25
SPEAKER_00: It's okay if they misread me.
29:27
SPEAKER_00: I'm still gonna be able to manage me because my worth was never up for a vote.
29:31
SPEAKER_00: It's again like your identity is built on rock instead of sand.
29:35
SPEAKER_00: Like, truly, like I actually don't remember the full context of that verse, but this is how the Lord's been speaking to it to me for the last year is in the losing my rejection button is that my identity, my worth, my value is on him, who he says, which is a rock and does not change.
29:51
SPEAKER_00: If it's dependent on people's moods, attitudes, uh, kindness, tone, words to me, that's total sand.
29:58
SPEAKER_00: Even your spouse, you guys.
29:59
SPEAKER_00: I don't think your spouse is actually supposed to be able to do that.
30:02
SPEAKER_00: Um, yeah, so it your identity and your worth is uh built on truth instead of other people's reaction.
30:10
SPEAKER_00: You can process situational pain and experience situational pain without questioning your value.
30:19
SPEAKER_00: You can process and have situational pain without matching or mirroring their attitude or tone.
30:28
SPEAKER_00: That's like punitive and juvenile, in my opinion.
30:30
SPEAKER_00: So, my like I would say our goal is if we have an ouch to still manage ourselves in our ouch without making it question our value and still manage ourselves and how we show up, even in the middle of an ouch.
30:42
SPEAKER_00: Okay.
30:43
SPEAKER_00: Um, I heard this, my friend gave me this great example the other day, which made me laugh.
30:51
SPEAKER_00: Um, because some people, when people, you know, I don't know.
30:54
SPEAKER_00: I was dealing, I was helping a client the other day, and they said that someone keeps accusing them of um being self-righteous, and this person is the sweetest, most humble would err on the side of self-deprecating before they would ever be self-righteous.
31:09
SPEAKER_00: Um and earnestly was like, Do you see that in me?
31:14
SPEAKER_00: You know, like I'm uh it's just yeah, so much.
31:16
SPEAKER_00: And the interesting part is that this analogy that someone else told me I felt like really hit that of like, oh my gosh, am I self-righteous?
31:23
SPEAKER_00: When things are so far from who you are.
31:25
SPEAKER_00: Um, I once heard someone say that being accused unfairly is being like told told you're a Russian spy when you're really just a suburban mom.
31:35
SPEAKER_00: So someone's like, I think Jenna is a Russian spy.
31:38
SPEAKER_00: And you're like, no, no, but then you hear it long enough and maybe other people start believing it, and you're like, Am I actually not a suburban mom?
31:46
SPEAKER_00: Wait, wait, am I actually a Russian spy?
31:49
SPEAKER_00: But I'm just so good at it that I don't even know I'm a Russian spy, and that's what we do.
31:53
SPEAKER_00: So one time when I'm that's kind of the metaphor of maybe um spiraling and getting introspective based on someone else's mood or reaction to you, you start doubting yourself and your motives.
32:03
SPEAKER_00: And for me, I just do this like the Lord was like, just do like a quick little quick little heart check.
32:07
SPEAKER_00: It's like, I don't know, like taking, I'm right now and I'm in a collared shirt.
32:11
SPEAKER_00: And it's like picking back the collar of your shirt, checking and be like, oh, is that in my heart to be no, no, I wasn't trying to be malicious.
32:18
SPEAKER_00: Like maybe it hurt their feelings, but it was not an attempt that I could totally empathize with hurting their feelings, but I'm not confused that maliciousness was in my heart.
32:25
SPEAKER_00: So um, when you're wondering and you're hearing accusation, accusation, whether actually said or you're assuming it based on their reactions, uh, wondering, like, am I a Russian spy?
32:35
SPEAKER_00: And then you do a quick check and you're like, nope, just carpooling and doing laundry over here.
32:40
SPEAKER_00: Okay.
32:41
SPEAKER_00: So it's like the same thing when something someone's grumpy or weird with you.
32:44
SPEAKER_00: You pause, you check yourself, you're like, was I being mean?
32:47
SPEAKER_00: No.
32:48
SPEAKER_00: Was I being short, too aggressive?
32:49
SPEAKER_00: No, okay.
32:50
SPEAKER_00: And then go, okay, so this probably isn't about me, no problem, and just move on.
32:54
SPEAKER_00: Um, oh my gosh, actually in the same line.
32:58
SPEAKER_00: Sorry.
32:59
SPEAKER_00: I'm laughing at my own story that I haven't even told.
33:01
SPEAKER_00: There is a season of my life.
33:02
SPEAKER_00: Do you guys remember those CAPTCHA tests online to verify you're not a robot, you know?
33:08
SPEAKER_00: Or you have to like click the picture that has the walk the crosswalk in it, or click the pit the tiles that have the motorcycle.
33:15
SPEAKER_00: Okay, I'm gonna be honest with you.
33:16
SPEAKER_00: I might have told this story before, but they're just like a decade and a half ago when those things first started coming out.
33:22
SPEAKER_00: I am not awesome at them for some reason.
33:25
SPEAKER_00: And they feel extra hard.
33:26
SPEAKER_00: They feel like sometimes the trickiest part of my day.
33:29
SPEAKER_00: I'm like, is is this considered a bridge or is this a walkway?
33:34
SPEAKER_00: Or is that a bypass or is that a bridge?
33:36
SPEAKER_00: I don't know.
33:37
SPEAKER_00: That's on the ground technically, but there's a railing.
33:40
SPEAKER_00: Is that a bridge?
33:41
SPEAKER_00: Like it gets it gets world deep in here.
33:44
SPEAKER_00: So I would not pass those tests sometimes.
33:47
SPEAKER_00: And I had this moment after not passing it a few times that I get this fear because it's like proving to you, it's like prove to us you're a human and not a robot.
33:54
SPEAKER_00: And then when I failed it enough, I I actually thought, wait, am I a robot?
34:01
SPEAKER_00: And I told my friend Holly that one time, and she for 15 years likes to laugh at it with me periodically, be like, wait, am I a robot?
34:08
SPEAKER_00: So it's just like it's the same thing with uh when someone's being funky or off, check yourself quickly and be like, wait, am I a robot?
34:15
SPEAKER_00: Nope, just a human who missed one square, relax, no problem.
34:18
SPEAKER_00: And I think that's again in the losing your offense button, that's what maturity looks like.
34:22
SPEAKER_00: Refusing to build your own sense of worth or um dramatically recalculating how you're showing up, either in responding to someone else's offness with defensiveness, you know, like matching, mirroring um combativeness or introspective, where you're like, oh my gosh, am I a robot?
34:41
SPEAKER_00: Am I a Russian spy?
34:42
SPEAKER_00: Nope, no problem.
34:43
SPEAKER_00: You probably just encountered someone who has something going on, you don't know, you can have compassion and grace and not respond, react, or get introspective.
34:49
SPEAKER_00: Um, that's where maturity looks like.
34:51
SPEAKER_00: It's refusing to build your sense of worth or matching their mood based on someone else's actions, things you're misread moments, um, tones.
35:00
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, it's just growing past that.
35:02
SPEAKER_00: And I actually think that's that's the one of the most beautiful things that you could do as you mature and your ability of how you show up in friendships.
35:08
SPEAKER_00: I mean relationships, honestly.
35:10
SPEAKER_00: Um, and as you do, it just opens up your ability with how many people you can be friends with.
35:16
SPEAKER_00: One, I have as I've grown in this, and the Lord's just really been like working this deeper, these roots in my own atmosphere and assumption that it's not me, and then ability to give grace.
35:27
SPEAKER_00: I'm I'm shocked at the the amount of messy people I can have in my life that it doesn't tank me or sink me because there this rock foundation has been built in a way that I actually almost think it is crucial for us to live out the gospel while we're loving people who are a mess, because we have to have this solidified so that we can have messy people around us because their mess doesn't splash on you when you're mature enough.
35:50
SPEAKER_00: And this is there's this rock foundation and you carry your own atmosphere.
35:53
SPEAKER_00: And yeah, there's a time and a place for boundaries, but I think the better we get at maturing, the easier it is for to have messy people around around us who don't splash on us.
36:01
SPEAKER_00: And then we get to love them in to health.
36:04
SPEAKER_00: Um, I feel a little teary because probably the best example is I think, like honestly, how many different ways Aaron's steadfastness and different aspects of my weakness and character and like you know, things I've had to heal out of since we've been married.
36:18
SPEAKER_00: Not that he like things that I came into the marriage with, like fear of anger, um, my massive people pleasing, my um constantly chasing the next high, whether it's a vacation or buying something, like all the things that were like coping mechanisms and weaknesses and Aaron's stability and kindness, it feels like his grace and mercy actually enabled me to go work on my own stuff.
36:42
SPEAKER_00: Um, he didn't try to fix me, nor was he rocked by my stuff.
36:45
SPEAKER_00: He was just so steadfast in loving me well in the middle of it.
36:49
SPEAKER_00: It allowed me the space.
36:51
SPEAKER_00: I almost thought of it like the I remember the Lord once saying that it's like it's his kindness in it is like a great greenhouse that gives me the right kindest environments to mature, but whether I grow or not um is up to me.
37:03
SPEAKER_00: And I think that's what we're supposed to do as we mature in our own abilities and our identity and our ability to manage ourselves.
37:09
SPEAKER_00: We can become these greenhouses for other people who need to be whole, like who are not afraid of their mess or their process.
37:16
SPEAKER_00: It doesn't mean they sink us or tank us, but we can create safe spots where they get to do their own work and like put roots down in a way that they can't if people can't, if we can't handle it.
37:25
SPEAKER_00: It almost reminds me of how, like, uh, you know, when you're a lifeguard, you train for it and then you never go save a drowning person without a raft so that you also won't get drowned.
37:33
SPEAKER_00: And I'm like, I think that's part of this.
37:34
SPEAKER_00: We have to lose our rejection buttons to be able to lend identity and safety and help help bring people into the fullness and the wholeness and the healthiness that they're meant to be.
37:45
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
37:46
SPEAKER_00: So it is a spiritual route.
37:49
SPEAKER_00: You cannot fake this.
37:50
SPEAKER_00: You can't lose your rejection button by sheer willpower.
37:54
SPEAKER_00: I think it's a fruit of sitting at Jesus' feet.
37:57
SPEAKER_00: And I know that sounds so silly, but truly, when I notice that I my compassion cup is running low, or my grace or mercy cup for other people, or I'm feeling a little rockier with my worth and I'm getting kind of out of grace, you know, like my covered in his righteousness, and I'm like, oh, I'm not doing good, or or I get self-righteous, you know, if I start to slip into kind of the law mindset, I'm like, oh, the difference isn't to just try harder.
38:23
SPEAKER_00: It's actually go be loved longer.
38:25
SPEAKER_00: And I think for us, when it's, you know, when you're like, oh man, I don't have that yet.
38:30
SPEAKER_00: I'm like, okay, I don't think your first step is to go be around a bunch of messy people.
38:35
SPEAKER_00: I'm not saying don't, but I don't think, again, that would be kind of the willpower mentality.
38:40
SPEAKER_00: I think it's go be so aware of what he thinks about you.
38:44
SPEAKER_00: Go, go.
38:45
SPEAKER_00: Um, I actually just got a in my Amazon delivery of my fresh communion cups.
38:49
SPEAKER_00: And that's part of what I think about when I do communion.
38:51
SPEAKER_00: I was like, this is every day that I ponder the cross, I'm like, this is how much you said I was worth.
38:57
SPEAKER_00: It's like someone gave me a 10, like paid$10 billion of their kids' money.
39:03
SPEAKER_00: I don't know, even metaphorically, just coming up with like how much his death said that I was worth, how much his death and facing, you know, like plundering hell cost.
39:13
SPEAKER_00: That's how much he says he values me.
39:15
SPEAKER_00: So who am I then to let the grumpy Trader Joe's cashier make me question what I'm worth?
39:22
SPEAKER_00: And it and it was this, ooh, yeah.
39:24
SPEAKER_00: But I don't think you can get there by shall share willpower or judging yourself for feeling react reactionary to people's moods.
39:32
SPEAKER_00: It's like you have to actually go sit at his feet and believe that he thinks that much about you and and ask him who you are and what's in your heart.
39:41
SPEAKER_00: And it's like it almost like that's what creates the Teflon for people's thoughts or accusations or when they see you wrongly.
39:49
SPEAKER_00: It doesn't tank you because you know how he sees you.
39:51
SPEAKER_00: And it's not like a one and done, like it is this constant thing.
39:55
SPEAKER_00: And for me too, um, sometimes maybe if someone, you know, misunderstands me or makes an accusation, I for sure go to Holy Spirit.
40:02
SPEAKER_00: I'm like, hey, is that in my heart?
40:03
SPEAKER_00: Is there, you know, am I a Russian spy?
40:06
SPEAKER_00: And sometimes maybe he's like, hey, you know what?
40:09
SPEAKER_00: I don't think that was malicious, but this does seem some like fruit that keeps popping up.
40:13
SPEAKER_00: Why don't we look at some of those roots?
40:14
SPEAKER_00: I'm like, okay, okay, okay.
40:16
SPEAKER_00: Or maybe he's like, oh girl, that's not in your heart at all.
40:20
SPEAKER_00: I think that's probably some of their perception.
40:22
SPEAKER_00: And then there's part of me that's like, oh great, let me go tell them it's not there.
40:26
SPEAKER_00: And he's like, or can we beat me a chair enough to be misunderstood and it's fine?
40:31
SPEAKER_00: Like you're not actually trying to change everyone's perspective of you because you know that what my perspective is is the one that matters.
40:38
SPEAKER_00: And I'm like, okay, so we're good.
40:40
SPEAKER_00: Okay, cool.
40:41
SPEAKER_00: I'm okay if they don't quite see me right like no problem.
40:44
SPEAKER_00: Um, it's the like again, the fruit of sitting at Jesus' feet.
40:48
SPEAKER_00: And even honestly, asking him how he thinks about you.
40:51
SPEAKER_00: Like, I think sitting at his feet or looking at his face is a little bit more abstract, but truly in moments I'm like, okay, are you proud of me right now?
40:57
SPEAKER_00: Or how do you think I did?
40:59
SPEAKER_00: And it's like, maybe after a meeting, maybe after a talk or a podcast or a hard chat with Audrey or a long day parenting or a painful thing with friends.
41:09
SPEAKER_00: I don't go ask other people.
41:10
SPEAKER_00: I literally have just made this habit of being like, okay, Holy Spirit, how do you think I handle that?
41:14
SPEAKER_00: What about this?
41:15
SPEAKER_00: Are you proud of me for?
41:17
SPEAKER_00: Well, how does this reflect who you see me to be?
41:19
SPEAKER_00: So it's just this constant asking, literally asking him an identity questions and like check-in questions.
41:25
SPEAKER_00: So I'm not actually have my source from other people because I'm constantly getting that filled by him by asking him very direct questions.
41:31
SPEAKER_00: Um, it's when his opinion of you becomes louder than everybody else's.
41:36
SPEAKER_00: It's um the people I know who have truly lost their rejection button, they have not detached from it, they don't have hard hearts, they have not been numbed out.
41:53
SPEAKER_00: The reality is they're actually just so deeply rooted.
41:56
SPEAKER_00: And I would say again, the rooted feels like a one-time thing.
41:59
SPEAKER_00: They're also so deeply abiding, or they're constantly abiding.
42:03
SPEAKER_00: It's the constant assessment and flow of identity of what he thinks that of who they are, how they handled that situation, what he's proud of.
42:11
SPEAKER_00: It's like, um, I don't think people realize how much I get truly asked Holy Spirit those identity questions often, but that's why I don't feel a lack for other people's perspectives, is because I'm constantly getting that filled up.
42:25
SPEAKER_00: Um, yeah, it's letting his voice rewire our reflexes.
42:30
SPEAKER_00: So on someone's harsh words or their distance or their cold or their lack of reciprocation.
42:37
SPEAKER_00: It doesn't spiral us.
42:39
SPEAKER_00: We have empathy, not pity.
42:41
SPEAKER_00: You know, pity can sometimes be self-righteous.
42:43
SPEAKER_00: I'm just talking from someone else's perspective, not my own.
42:47
SPEAKER_00: I've never been self-righteous.
42:49
SPEAKER_00: No, just kidding.
42:51
SPEAKER_00: Oh my gosh, I'm laughing at my own self.
42:53
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, and it's grace, not defensiveness.
42:56
SPEAKER_00: And sure, boundaries sometimes, but not to confuse them from punitiveness.
43:02
SPEAKER_00: Like I really do think maturing is being able to be so rooted and have your own atmosphere and be able to manage yourself that you actually can create safe space for messy people in their healing journeys, you know?
43:11
SPEAKER_00: And last, the last point of this whole podcast is um one of the most simple habits for me in losing my rejection button is this little bitty habit that I have that I go into situations.
43:22
SPEAKER_00: So truly, when I'm parking or when my kids are coming home, or someone's coming over, or I'm about to walk into a meeting, or that church service, or I'm gonna go pick up my kids, or I'm going to go X, Y, Z.
43:33
SPEAKER_00: There's a proactive side of this.
43:35
SPEAKER_00: It's not simply like not letting things, I kind of think of like what hits you from other people is like a more of a defensive posture, you know?
43:43
SPEAKER_00: I played soccer, it's the only sport I played, so there's and I was the defense.
43:47
SPEAKER_00: I was my job in my huge feet was I had a size 10 feet, you guys, in middle school.
43:52
SPEAKER_00: I mean, I still have those same feet, but they're a slightly less astronomical because I'm an adult woman.
43:57
SPEAKER_00: But when I was in sixth grade, they were huge and they were wonderful for defense because I could hardly get past them, let alone other people, you know?
44:05
SPEAKER_00: Um, so, anyways, my job was to stop things from coming into the goal.
44:08
SPEAKER_00: And that's kind of what most of this podcast has been, letting other people's moods or actions get into your goal to decide, you know, cast a vote for what you're worth or who you are.
44:16
SPEAKER_00: But the more proactive part is the team, the um, what is it?
44:21
SPEAKER_00: The offensive team, like the strikers, who their job is actually to go score a goal.
44:26
SPEAKER_00: So it's like not just stopping other people's ball from getting yours, but it's to like go proactively do something.
44:31
SPEAKER_00: And the habit that I have for this is again, when I'm parking, showing up somewhere.
44:36
SPEAKER_00: If you want to lose your rejection button faster, decide before you walk into the room who you're going to be.
44:43
SPEAKER_00: This like truly has changed everything for me.
44:46
SPEAKER_00: I had, I think I did a podcast a couple years ago.
44:48
SPEAKER_00: Um, and I'll I'll tag it in the show notes.
44:51
SPEAKER_00: It's called Um How I'm Gonna Show Up, which the slight edit is more of like I think about giving away identity now when I go to places.
45:03
SPEAKER_00: So whether it's a meeting, a classroom, a party, a church lobby, I literally, as I'm parking, I come in pre-loaded and I've already chosen my posture.
45:11
SPEAKER_00: And I it sounds so silly.
45:13
SPEAKER_00: I don't know.
45:13
SPEAKER_00: I mean, maybe it doesn't sound silly.
45:14
SPEAKER_00: I've been posting a lot about how not her I've the Lord's just been convicting me about hurrying and making sure I see people and I like and just present a bit.
45:23
SPEAKER_00: And so doing that also when you are pre-loaded doing that and you're giving away identity, you actually lose your rejection button because you're giving other people identity.
45:36
SPEAKER_00: And I mean, I know we all think you reap what you sow.
45:38
SPEAKER_00: Oh my gosh, I'm sorry, I'm using my husband's computer and is going crazy in the background with he's on a text thread that is blowing up.
45:44
SPEAKER_00: Um, anyways, my point is that instead of like when you're giving away identity, you usually one, you do actually reap what you sow, but it becomes so much more, you're not waiting for someone to shoot a goal with that you can stop, you know, so someone to be moody and you be good about not letting that affect you.
45:59
SPEAKER_00: You're actually going on the offense.
46:01
SPEAKER_00: So I some of my really simple habit around this, like when I come preloaded in the idea of losing my rejection button, come preloaded with giving away identity.
46:10
SPEAKER_00: I literally think I'm going to make eye contact with everyone I see.
46:15
SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna smile at everybody.
46:17
SPEAKER_00: If I um I want to have at least three conversations, even if they're brief, with people I know.
46:23
SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna stop, I'm gonna pause, I'm gonna be present, and this will probably take me, you know, like so instead of just thinking I'm walking to my meeting or uh I'm gonna ask someone how they're doing, like I actually remind myself, I almost make it like a treasure hunt.
46:36
SPEAKER_00: I'll uh it's funny because I do this when I go to pick up my kids from school.
46:39
SPEAKER_00: I'm like, okay, I want to speak to at least two teachers or staff members and ask them about, you know, their day or have a conversation, show some interest.
46:47
SPEAKER_00: I'm going to, it sounds silly, but literally putting kind of numbers around it helps me think about coming preloaded with identity to give away, with love, with presence, presentness, with um seeing people.
47:04
SPEAKER_00: And it has just shifted well.
47:06
SPEAKER_00: And the the shocking part in it, which I don't, I didn't correlate until I was like writing the notes for this episode, was outside of losing my rejection button, it's actually made like identity flourish.
47:15
SPEAKER_00: And then people feel the goal is not honestly to make people then respond to me different so that they like me more.
47:22
SPEAKER_00: Like, I don't, I don't think that would be a helpful goal.
47:25
SPEAKER_00: But it has been what has happened.
47:28
SPEAKER_00: So, in the idea of like, I actually just wanted to get better at loving people and realizing that intentional, like never being in like not being in a rush and trying to be present and notice the those around me would be the simplest edit.
47:39
SPEAKER_00: Um, but that has actually so helped too.
47:41
SPEAKER_00: So if you want to lose your identity button, come a little preloaded with identity.
47:46
SPEAKER_00: I'm sorry, if you want to lose your rejection button, come preloaded with identity to give away.
47:51
SPEAKER_00: It's almost like those t-shirt cannons.
47:54
SPEAKER_00: If you're shooting t-shirts into the crowd, think about how a crowd responds like, yeah, I want a t-shirt.
48:01
SPEAKER_00: That's what it's like.
48:02
SPEAKER_00: And then it just people shift how they see you because they're used to you being warm.
48:08
SPEAKER_00: They expect you to be excited to see them.
48:10
SPEAKER_00: You've never been unkind, you're not gonna be curt.
48:13
SPEAKER_00: So then they actually come knowing you're a safe, warm spot, and that's what they give to you.
48:18
SPEAKER_00: It's like shocking.
48:19
SPEAKER_00: It's so great, you guys.
48:20
SPEAKER_00: So that is my challenge, not only in losing your rejection button, but come preloaded in your t-shirt cannons with identity to give away, whether it's a classroom, an errand, the grocery store, a party, a meeting, deciding who you're gonna be, how many people you're gonna notice, the questions you're gonna ask.
48:36
SPEAKER_00: I actually sometimes like it's really simple.
48:38
SPEAKER_00: Sorry, as I'm like thinking through my actual habit of eye contact, asking questions, genuinely be interested.
48:44
SPEAKER_00: I simply kind of think of this as delighting in other people.
48:47
SPEAKER_00: Oh, I feel a little teary because on this journey with the Lord, I'm like, um, where this whole habit came from is the idea of wanting to notice his kids around me and actually loving them versus like saying I love them, actually making space in my schedule to be love, not just be in a hurry.
49:04
SPEAKER_00: And um, one of my simple little prayers as I'm parking and I'm deciding how I'm gonna go, how I'm gonna go be, what identity I'm gonna give away for wherever I'm going, um, I think of it like my little kind of heart prayer is like, oh Jesus, let me delight in them like you delight in them.
49:19
SPEAKER_00: Like let me actually experience, it's not like make them feel loved.
49:24
SPEAKER_00: I actually think the truest way people feel adored is if you actually connect with delight.
49:30
SPEAKER_00: So, and if Jesus delights in like all of his kids, like let me see them like you do.
49:34
SPEAKER_00: Like, but it's such a fun prayer.
49:36
SPEAKER_00: It's almost like let me go have as much of a fun time as you do.
49:39
SPEAKER_00: It's not like help me die daily on my cross.
49:41
SPEAKER_00: It's like actually asking for delight.
49:43
SPEAKER_00: So, like that, it's like kind of my simple prayer as I'm parking and going to the meeting, and I know I'm gonna like how am I gonna show up?
49:48
SPEAKER_00: What am I gonna give away?
49:49
SPEAKER_00: It's offensively being on the offense to give away identity is part of one of the secret sauces to losing your rejection button.
49:58
SPEAKER_00: Um, you're coming ready to give, not waiting to be given to.
50:02
SPEAKER_00: It's reactive vers no, it's instead of being reactive, you're choosing to be proactive because here's what here's what most people do.
50:10
SPEAKER_00: They show up tentatively, like, I'll make my move based on how you treat me.
50:15
SPEAKER_00: Like I don't wanna be too excited because what if that's weird and I don't want to ask too many questions, you know.
50:21
SPEAKER_00: So I'm gonna play middle ground or maybe even a little bit under, and then I'll, if you're interested, I'll be interested.
50:26
SPEAKER_00: You know, it's insecure, but it's super normal.
50:28
SPEAKER_00: We're scanning the room for safety for cues that we belong.
50:32
SPEAKER_00: And my my pitch to you is when you come preloaded, you take that power back.
50:38
SPEAKER_00: And honestly, it feels like you're preloaded with giving away delight and giving away joy and giving away like this idea that there's space for you.
50:45
SPEAKER_00: I see you, I value you.
50:46
SPEAKER_00: You've already decided your play.
50:48
SPEAKER_00: You're like on the offense, not on the defense with me and my huge, large feet at six in sixth grade.
50:54
SPEAKER_00: You don't have to read the vibe.
50:56
SPEAKER_00: I would actually love for you all to throw out the vibe because you like, sorry, throw out that idea of read the vibe, read the room.
51:03
SPEAKER_00: You bring the vibe.
51:04
SPEAKER_00: That, sorry, I just pounded it on my desk.
51:06
SPEAKER_00: I mean that so much.
51:06
SPEAKER_00: Like that is probably one of the biggest keys.
51:08
SPEAKER_00: Bring your own vibe and give it away generously.
51:11
SPEAKER_00: Um, whether you're in a meeting uh with the CEO or the school principal, like truly, this has been such a shocking, simple edit, but I like treating them all like humans with dignity, with kindness, with curiosity, and where you're looking to delight.
51:25
SPEAKER_00: Like it's almost like it feels like a little treasure hunt with every person.
51:28
SPEAKER_00: I'm looking to see the things that the Lord loves about them.
51:31
SPEAKER_00: Um, you're not waiting to see if they'll offer the same thing first, you're just generously sewing it.
51:36
SPEAKER_00: And it's a beautiful ripple effect.
51:38
SPEAKER_00: You're gonna be amazed when you show up full, unshaken, grounded in who you are, with generously expecting to give away identity, it truly softens the whole atmosphere.
51:49
SPEAKER_00: People are like, oh, that's what they're doing.
51:51
SPEAKER_00: So they put down their walls or their masks.
51:53
SPEAKER_00: Um, because honestly, when dignity is given, it tends it tends to invite dignity back.
52:01
SPEAKER_00: But even if it doesn't, in the idea of the first half of the podcast, we've lost our rejection button.
52:06
SPEAKER_00: No problem.
52:07
SPEAKER_00: Um, it's a gift freely given.
52:09
SPEAKER_00: It's not a loan if you require them to match you.
52:12
SPEAKER_00: You're still good, regardless of what they give back to you, tone or if they match, because you weren't waiting for it.
52:17
SPEAKER_00: You just came with it.
52:19
SPEAKER_00: So I hope that helps.
52:21
SPEAKER_00: That's the end of this podcast.
52:23
SPEAKER_00: I want you to lose your rejection button.
52:25
SPEAKER_00: That looks like you stop building your identity on sand, which would be on people's moods, words, actions, and you start walking steady.
52:34
SPEAKER_00: You are rooted in love.
52:36
SPEAKER_00: Your foundation of who you are and your worth is built on the rock.
52:40
SPEAKER_00: And if you need to take a communion habit where you get that Tupperware soup cup full of identity and you screw on the lid so it's off, it's not, you know, getting sloshed by other people.
52:51
SPEAKER_00: Do it, do it.
52:52
SPEAKER_00: You show to lose your rejection button, you show up full, you give first and you live unoffendable.
52:58
SPEAKER_00: Not because, like, you're a rock star.
53:03
SPEAKER_00: You know, like they're lucky to know me.
53:05
SPEAKER_00: You're welcome for being your friend.
53:06
SPEAKER_00: That's not, that's not it.
53:08
SPEAKER_00: But because, like, honestly, you're so secure in him.
53:11
SPEAKER_00: So when rejection tries to, when someone else's mood tries to code as rejection and splash on you, it tries to hit that old button, it can't find it anymore because you lost your button.
53:21
SPEAKER_00: So that is my hope for friendship file three that you lose your rejection button and you come preloaded with identity, love, dignity to delight in other people and see the ripple effect.
53:32
SPEAKER_00: Okay, guys, go love like Jesus loved.