Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #1179 - Why Your Three-Year-Old Seems Possessed (And What to Do)

Transcript

#1179 - Why Your Three-Year-Old Seems Possessed (And What to Do) · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

• 0:05
  Speaker 1: Today's tricky question I'm at my wits end with my
• 0:09
  Speaker 1: three year old. Everything is a battle? What am I
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  Speaker 1: supposed to do? Welcome to the Happy Families podcast Real
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  Speaker 1: Parenting Solutions, Every single day on Australia's most downloaded parenting podcast.
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  Speaker 1: We are Justin and Kylie Coulson, and every Tuesday on
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  Speaker 1: the podcast we answer your tricky questions family relationships, wellbeing, threeenages, discipline,
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  Speaker 1: whatever it might be. Ask us pretty much anything. You
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  Speaker 1: can send us a voice note to podcasts at happy
• 0:39
  Speaker 1: families dot com dot au. That's podcasts with an s
• 0:43
  Speaker 1: at happy Families dot com dot Au. Or visit the website,
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  Speaker 1: scroll down to the podcast section and press the record button.
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  Speaker 1: Start talking. It's that simple. Today's question comes from Natalie.
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  Speaker 2: I'm at my wits end with my three year old.
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  Speaker 2: Everything is about all getting dressed, bath, teeth, hair, eating,
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  Speaker 2: not hitting your sister. She's always so angry and yells
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  Speaker 2: whenever we ask her to do anything, if we say no,
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  Speaker 2: if we turn the TV off, etc. We have a
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  Speaker 2: routine for morning which includes no TV and evening. I've
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  Speaker 2: tried leaving extra time. I've tried getting down to her level,
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  Speaker 2: holding hands, eye contact, saying, I know this is hard,
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  Speaker 2: but if she doesn't want to do something, that's the
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  Speaker 2: end of it. She'll scream, hit, throw things, none of
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  Speaker 2: which we do at home. At daycare they see none
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  Speaker 2: of this behavior, so I'm sure it's not some sort
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  Speaker 2: of permanent issue. They're clearly much better at getting the
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  Speaker 2: best out of children, And I know she feels safe
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  Speaker 2: around me, which is why she lets it all out
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  Speaker 2: with me. But I'm struggling to cope with the outbursts
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  Speaker 2: and the inability to get ready and get out the door.
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  Speaker 2: I'm broken by nine am.
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  Speaker 1: Help, Natalie, I hear this question. I just I love
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  Speaker 1: you desire to get this right. I love you can
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  Speaker 1: hear it how much you love your daughter and how
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  Speaker 1: frustrating this challenging thing is.
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  Speaker 3: Unfortunately, we're dealing with some develop mental realities here. This
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  Speaker 3: is a parly typical behavior for any three year old.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, we've done it six times, and our brand new
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  Speaker 1: granddaughter is only a year off, and we're starting to
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  Speaker 1: see the early signs already. All Right, Natalie, let's talk
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  Speaker 1: about some developmental challenges that you're up against. The first
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  Speaker 1: one is that children start learning l plates emotional regulation
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  Speaker 1: around about the age of three, four five, somewhere, and
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  Speaker 1: there is where it starts. They're not good at it.
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  Speaker 1: They can regulate from time to time when things are good,
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  Speaker 1: but once they get tired, once they get hungry, once
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  Speaker 1: we say no, once things aren't going their way, it's explosive.
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  Speaker 1: It just doesn't go well at all. And what that's
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  Speaker 1: tied to is behavioral regulation. If you can't regulate your
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  Speaker 1: emotions and they're explosive, the thing that automatically follows is
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  Speaker 1: the behavior is where we get the kicking, the fighting,
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  Speaker 1: the scratching, the biting, the pinching, the I hate you,
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  Speaker 1: the evil eyes. It's all that kind of stuff.
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  Speaker 3: When I think about year old, they really are still
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  Speaker 3: so little, and in some ways, the expectation that they're
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  Speaker 3: going to have it all together emotionally is just a
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  Speaker 3: bit far fetched.
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  Speaker 1: I've been saying this for years. We expect way too
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  Speaker 1: much of our children emotionally and not nearly enough of
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  Speaker 1: them physically. Like our kid's emotional l plates are firmly
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  Speaker 1: in that windscreen, everyone should be able to see them,
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  Speaker 1: and yet we sometimes forget and we treat them like
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  Speaker 1: that learner driver on the road that didn't go through
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  Speaker 1: the intersection when they should have and we're on the horn,
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  Speaker 1: come on, what are you thinking? But they're not ready
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  Speaker 1: for it yet. They just they're not there. So getting
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  Speaker 1: those expectations right is important. And essentially, if you've got
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  Speaker 1: a three year old, the expectations should be approximately zero,
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  Speaker 1: maybe a touch more than that. I mean, they are
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  Speaker 1: learning emotional regulation. But the average kid, what.
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  Speaker 3: They need more than anything right now is compassion.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, the average kid learns to regulate their emotions most
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  Speaker 1: of the time in most circumstances by about the age
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  Speaker 1: of nine or ten, maybe eight if they're an early developer,
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  Speaker 1: and so we're talking about a three year old. That
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  Speaker 1: is a very, very, very big difference. There are two
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  Speaker 1: other developmental realities that can explain what you're dealing with, Natalie,
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  Speaker 1: what anyone with a three year old who is driving
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  Speaker 1: them bonkers is experiencing. The first one is called theory
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  Speaker 1: of mind. This is a technical term that psychologists love
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  Speaker 1: to use so that they can feel like they're better
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  Speaker 1: than everybody else. It's all about superiority. When we use
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  Speaker 1: terms like theory of mind, what it really means is
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  Speaker 1: that a child can take their own perspective. They want
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  Speaker 1: something like you're in the park and you say it's
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  Speaker 1: time to go home, and your child loses the plot. Why, well,
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  Speaker 1: because in their minds totally and now you're ruining my
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  Speaker 1: life forever because you're making me get off the swing.
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  Speaker 3: Kids teach us so much like they are so good
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  Speaker 3: at being in the moment, literally just living in the mind,
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  Speaker 3: which is.
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  Speaker 1: Really annoying when you can't be in that moment because
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  Speaker 1: you've got to move to the next moment. So theory
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  Speaker 1: of mind is something that researchers generally agree develops in
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  Speaker 1: kids somewhere around four and a half to five and
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  Speaker 1: a half, Somewhere in that area. That's where they start
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  Speaker 1: to say, oh, I get it, you want something different
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  Speaker 1: to me. A three year old is literally saying you
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  Speaker 1: want something different to me, but not the words that
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  Speaker 1: doesn't make sense. I can't literally does not compute. Some
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  Speaker 1: research is now suggesting that theory of mind is also
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  Speaker 1: a developmental process, and it's fairly rudimentary around that four
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  Speaker 1: and a half to five and a half age range,
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  Speaker 1: and that it may may be actually developing as late
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  Speaker 1: as six, seven, even eight. We certainly know that empathy,
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  Speaker 1: which is part of theory of mind, drops off for
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  Speaker 1: boys between the ages of thirteen and sixteen, so it's
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  Speaker 1: not a steady incline all the time. The last thing
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  Speaker 1: to highlight is that physically this kid can walk around
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  Speaker 1: and they can talk, so we think they're now a
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  Speaker 1: small human like a mini adult. Language development, they're not
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  Speaker 1: going to communicate really clearly with you what's going on,
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  Speaker 1: especially when they get emotional because they can't find the words.
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  Speaker 1: And you know the thing that we say to our
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  Speaker 1: kids when they can't find the words, use your words,
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  Speaker 1: use your words. Right that is unfair because right at
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  Speaker 1: that moment, they can't use their words. They can't find
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  Speaker 1: their words. The words are too hard to get a
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  Speaker 1: hold of. So they're the developmental realities of a three
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  Speaker 1: year old. They're totally ego centric. They can't see the
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  Speaker 1: world through your perspective at all. They're emotionally disregulated and
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  Speaker 1: behaviorally disregulated, and they struggle to communicate. That's a lot,
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  Speaker 1: and that explains most of it, but we still need
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  Speaker 1: some solutions. So after the break, a couple more reasons
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  Speaker 1: this could be happening, and three solutions that will absolutely
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  Speaker 1: change your life if you are raising a toddler or preschooler.
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  Speaker 1: With big emotions, Kylie, when kids get really emotional, I'm
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  Speaker 1: always curious to know whether they're whether those emotions cross contexts,
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  Speaker 1: and that on is highlighted. Daycare is a breeze. There's
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  Speaker 1: no problems at daycare at all, but at home things
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  Speaker 1: are tricky. You used to work in early childcare. How
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  Speaker 1: often would you see this all the time?
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  Speaker 3: We've experienced it in our own home totally. One of
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  Speaker 3: our children, I could not get her to leave daycare
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  Speaker 3: for the life of me, like literally meltdowns every day.
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  Speaker 1: Which is so funny because so many parents are like,
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  Speaker 1: they lose it when I leave them there.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah, this is the She lost it when I left
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  Speaker 3: her there in the morning, and then she wouldn't come
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  Speaker 3: home to me afternoon. And I finally looked at her
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  Speaker 3: teacher one day and I was like, I don't know
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  Speaker 3: what to do.
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  Speaker 1: And we were dealing with big emotions at home as well,
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  Speaker 1: but the teacher said, she's fine once you're gone, She's
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  Speaker 1: fine until you show up to take a home.
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  Speaker 3: So the teacher actually literally walked over to her whispered
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  Speaker 3: something in her ear. She has never told me what
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  Speaker 3: it was, but she would do this regularly and within
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  Speaker 3: two seconds flat. Our daughter would get up from the
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  Speaker 3: sand pit. She would go and get her shoes, get
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  Speaker 3: her school bag, and she grab my hand and we'd
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  Speaker 3: walk out the door without any issues.
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  Speaker 1: Daycare is a different context of the home. So when
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  Speaker 1: a parent says it's not happening in at daycare, it's
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  Speaker 1: only happening at home, that tells me that we've got
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  Speaker 1: a healthy kid. And what's really going on is daycare.
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  Speaker 1: There's momentum, there's a crowd, there's socialization.
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  Speaker 3: The biggest thing about daycare is she is probably experiencing
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  Speaker 3: more autonomy in that space than she is at home.
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  Speaker 3: Our kids, no matter their age, they want to be
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  Speaker 3: able to do things for themselves and.
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  Speaker 1: The activities are more fun. Let's be honest. They've got
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  Speaker 1: an entire day where they plan in the sampit, they
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  Speaker 1: plan in the water, they read books, they build castles,
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  Speaker 1: and then they come home and the environment at home,
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  Speaker 1: I mean, it's rarely going to be that enriching. And
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  Speaker 1: even if it was, they also have the full simulated
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  Speaker 1: stimulate that's right. They've got the company, they've got the
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  Speaker 1: social aspect as well, so of course the experience at
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  Speaker 1: daycare is going to be different. The momentum of daycare
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  Speaker 1: is different. There's one other thing that Natalie said that
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  Speaker 1: I just want to touch on before we step through
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  Speaker 1: the three ideas that are going to change Natalie's life,
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  Speaker 1: and that is that there's so much correction and direction.
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  Speaker 1: There's so much. I'm going to coach you through this.
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  Speaker 1: I can hear the desire to be gentle, I can
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  Speaker 1: hear the desire to be perspective taking. I can hear
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  Speaker 1: all of that, and that's good. But I'm more interested
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  Speaker 1: in the connection that's happening, like proportionately, when you look
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  Speaker 1: at the morning that you have with your child, imagine
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  Speaker 1: that you're carrying a bucket that represents your relationship. Water
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  Speaker 1: in the bucket represents the amount of connection, and air
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  Speaker 1: represents correction and direction. How much water is getting tipped
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  Speaker 1: into that bucket in the morning. How much water? How
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  Speaker 1: much connection? How much time together? How much fun? How
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  Speaker 1: much tell me about your day. I'm seeing you, I'm
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  Speaker 1: hearing you, I'm valuing you, We're doing things together. How
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  Speaker 1: much of that is happening. I think that Natalie's little
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  Speaker 1: three year old needs more water in that relationship bucket,
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  Speaker 1: more connection and less their less correction, and direction. So
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  Speaker 1: we've got three solutions that are going to change every
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  Speaker 1: parent's life if they're raising a preschool or a toddler.
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  Speaker 3: The first one, the first one slow it down, and
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  Speaker 3: this actually marries up beautifully with the idea of creating
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  Speaker 3: margin or buffer into our mornings and afternoons.
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  Speaker 1: As every parent goes, I have no margin, I have
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  Speaker 1: no buffer. This is too hard.
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  Speaker 3: We all feel like that. Yeah, but I know from
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  Speaker 3: experience with a couple of really really tricky kids, high emotions,
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  Speaker 3: that if I did not slow things down, we were
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  Speaker 3: in trouble.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah.
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  Speaker 3: Ye, emotions were all over the place. Our kids in
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  Speaker 3: need they need the stability of routine and structure, but
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  Speaker 3: they also need our calm. If we're calm in the morning,
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  Speaker 3: if we're taking things nice and slowly, then they'll catch
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  Speaker 3: that and they won't feel hurried, they won't feel rushed,
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  Speaker 3: and they'll feel like they have some autonomy and how
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  Speaker 3: things go because they understand the structure and routine.
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  Speaker 1: So that ties in with the second one, which is
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  Speaker 1: that we want to connect. I've mentioned the relationship bucket.
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  Speaker 1: It's slowing down allows you to pour more water into
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  Speaker 1: the bucket. That is more connection into the bucket. My
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  Speaker 1: definition of connection is feeling seen, hurt and valued. What
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  Speaker 1: are the things that you do that help your three
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  Speaker 1: year old feel seen, hurt and valued? How can you
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  Speaker 1: do more of those things? Conversations, aims, reading, just being together,
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  Speaker 1: emotional availability, that's the that's the crux of it. Unfortunately,
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  Speaker 1: a lot of that stuff is important but not urgent,
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  Speaker 1: and so the urgent stuff gets in the way. Making
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  Speaker 1: it a key priority will change your life. It will
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  Speaker 1: change your relationship with your kids. Everything's better when they
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  Speaker 1: know that they have a place in your life.
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  Speaker 3: So the mornings that have been the trickiest for me
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  Speaker 3: is when I have a separate agenda to my kids.
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  Speaker 3: So I wake up in the morning and I know
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  Speaker 3: I've got to do X, Y and zaid while my
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  Speaker 3: kids do A, B and C. But what my kids
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  Speaker 3: actually need is for me to be involved with A,
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  Speaker 3: B and C. I need to do X, Y and
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  Speaker 3: Z at a different time.
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  Speaker 1: The third and final idea that will make all the difference,
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  Speaker 1: we think is fun.
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  Speaker 3: How many steps will it take you to get to
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  Speaker 3: the bathroom to brush your teeth? Can you hop to
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  Speaker 3: the car on one foot? Can you walk as quietly
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  Speaker 3: as else to brush your hair.
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  Speaker 1: I love the way you do that.
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  Speaker 3: Just find little things like it's not actually about creating
• 12:09
  Speaker 3: carnival fun balloons and streamers and all of that kind
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  Speaker 3: of stuff. It's literally about just taking the normal and
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  Speaker 3: adding an element to it. If you go into any
• 12:18
  Speaker 3: child case and you're going to find that, that's how
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  Speaker 3: they motivate the kids. They get them doing things that
• 12:22
  Speaker 3: are just a little bit out of the norm. Who
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  Speaker 3: wants to walk to the bathroom when I can skip?
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  Speaker 1: Not gonna lie? Rainbows, unicorns and confetti will make it
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  Speaker 1: more funny, but probably not realistic. The other thing that
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  Speaker 1: can make it fun is music and dancing together and
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  Speaker 1: just energy and activity. Three year olds love this stuff.
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  Speaker 1: We believe those things will make all the difference when
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  Speaker 1: it comes to dealing with the tearing your hair out
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  Speaker 1: phase of raising a three year old. Oh, by the way,
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  Speaker 1: still going to be hard, and those things require effort
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  Speaker 1: and intention as well. So this is not an easy
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  Speaker 1: quick fix. It requires genuine intention to get there. But
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  Speaker 1: it will move the needle.
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  Speaker 3: But the reality is, whether we do it that way
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  Speaker 3: or we do it the way we're doing it right now,
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  Speaker 3: it's still so hard, right, So wouldn't we rather the
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  Speaker 3: hard be one where we're all leaving with a little
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  Speaker 3: bit of a smile on our face and a skip
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  Speaker 3: in our step than ranting and raving, screaming and kicking.
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  Speaker 1: Really appreciate the question, Natalie wonderful to be able to
• 13:19
  Speaker 1: be helpful. Every Tuesday on the podcast, we answer your
• 13:22
  Speaker 1: tricky questions about family relationships, wellbeing, screens, discipline. If you'd
• 13:27
  Speaker 1: like to submit a question, we'd love to hear from you,
• 13:30
  Speaker 1: jump onto your phone, send us a voice note to
• 13:33
  Speaker 1: podcasts that's podcasts with an s at happy families dot
• 13:36
  Speaker 1: com dot au. The Happy Families podcast is produced by
• 13:40
  Speaker 1: Justin Ruland from Bridge Media. If you would like more
• 13:42
  Speaker 1: information specifically about this issue, check out the webinar at
• 13:47
  Speaker 1: happy families dot com dot You called Little People, Big
• 13:51
  Speaker 1: Feelings might just change your life. Or have a look
• 13:54
  Speaker 1: at the book The Parenting Revolution. More information and more
• 13:58
  Speaker 1: resources to help make your FANNI be happier are available
• 14:01
  Speaker 1: happy families dot com dot au. Mm hmm