Latest / Beyond the Arc: Reflections on Resilience, Identity, & Life Podcast / When the Breadcrumbs Disappear

Transcript

When the Breadcrumbs Disappear · Beyond the Arc: Reflections on Resilience, Identity, & Life Podcast

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to Beyond the Arc.
• 0:01
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Amy Gamble.
• 0:03
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes the smallest moments leads us to the biggest realizations.
• 0:08
  SPEAKER_00: This past weekend,
• 0:10
  SPEAKER_00: a writing workshop,
• 0:11
  SPEAKER_00: a chill I couldn't shake,
• 0:13
  SPEAKER_00: and a fire in my basement got me thinking about the unexpected paths we take
• 0:18
  SPEAKER_00: in life.
• 0:19
  SPEAKER_00: This essay is called, When the Breadcrumbs Disappear.
• 0:24
  SPEAKER_00: Did you ever get a chill you just couldn't shake?
• 0:27
  SPEAKER_00: Like the kind where your teeth are chattering?
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_00: Pile on blankets and you still can't stop shaking?
• 0:34
  SPEAKER_00: It happened to me on Sunday.
• 0:35
  SPEAKER_00: I've been sitting at my writing perch all weekend as I had the opportunity
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_00: to participate in Cheryl Strayed's Wild Awakenings Writer's Workshop.
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_00: I did the online version,
• 0:46
  SPEAKER_00: although several were actually in the room with her on the campus
• 0:49
  SPEAKER_00: of Omega Institute.
• 0:52
  SPEAKER_00: As I sat at the table, I was so enthralled with everything I was learning.
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_00: I forgot to pay attention to the temperature in the house.
• 0:59
  SPEAKER_00: The dark clouds,
• 1:01
  SPEAKER_00: rain making splattered marks on the sidewalk,
• 1:04
  SPEAKER_00: and the wind pushing tree limbs on their sides should have been my first clue.
• 1:09
  SPEAKER_00: Fall has arrived, Amy.
• 1:11
  SPEAKER_00: Time to check the thermostat.
• 1:13
  SPEAKER_00: Didn't happen.
• 1:15
  SPEAKER_00: Instead,
• 1:15
  SPEAKER_00: the two and a half day class ended promptly at noon on Sunday,
• 1:19
  SPEAKER_00: and I had been shivering.
• 1:21
  SPEAKER_00: My feet felt like I'd been outside in a foot of snow, and my boots took on the overfill.
• 1:27
  SPEAKER_00: That's what happens to me when I get so focused on something.
• 1:31
  SPEAKER_00: I block out everything and everyone around me.
• 1:34
  SPEAKER_00: I don't feel my body.
• 1:36
  SPEAKER_00: Extreme, intense focus.
• 1:39
  SPEAKER_00: Clearly, there's a benefit to that.
• 1:41
  SPEAKER_00: And as you know, there's a downside to every benefit.
• 1:45
  SPEAKER_00: Not being able to shake a chill might be one of the more uncomfortable physical sensations.
• 1:51
  SPEAKER_00: I am the person who pulled out my electric blanket when it was 90 degrees outside.
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_00: Got a chill.
• 1:57
  SPEAKER_00: Couldn't shake it.
• 1:59
  SPEAKER_00: At any rate, I meandered down the steps to the basement and decided to build a fire.
• 2:04
  SPEAKER_00: Put a few logs on, a cheater starter, and lit a match.
• 2:08
  SPEAKER_00: Struck out twice.
• 2:09
  SPEAKER_00: Had to try again.
• 2:11
  SPEAKER_00: Finally, the fire began to burn nicely.
• 2:14
  SPEAKER_00: I sat with my dog,
• 2:15
  SPEAKER_00: Brownie,
• 2:15
  SPEAKER_00: and couldn't help but think about how little I've burned a fire in three years.
• 2:20
  SPEAKER_00: After so much intellectual stimulation and a few days, I was ready to chill out.
• 2:25
  SPEAKER_00: Instead, I daydreamed.
• 2:27
  SPEAKER_00: My mind wandered to how fortunate I am,
• 2:30
  SPEAKER_00: how wonderful it's been to cross paths with so many beautiful souls in
• 2:33
  SPEAKER_00: the past three years.
• 2:36
  SPEAKER_00: I imagine if I was walking a path and someone dribbled breadcrumbs every few inches
• 2:41
  SPEAKER_00: to guide me along, that it might illuminate my way.
• 2:45
  SPEAKER_00: But the truth is, I didn't get illumination.
• 2:48
  SPEAKER_00: That's like a gigantic spotlight shining on a pathway.
• 2:52
  SPEAKER_00: Breadcrumbs are small.
• 2:54
  SPEAKER_00: You must be paying attention to notice.
• 2:57
  SPEAKER_00: But when you follow them, they have an additive effect.
• 3:01
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes it's following the path and then all of a sudden the breadcrumbs stop.
• 3:06
  SPEAKER_00: Then you're standing there about dusk and you realize some animal has eaten all
• 3:11
  SPEAKER_00: the breadcrumbs in front of you and behind you.
• 3:14
  SPEAKER_00: Whoever put those helpful hints there for you Well, they're not there anymore.
• 3:19
  SPEAKER_00: At that point, you have two choices.
• 3:22
  SPEAKER_00: One, to keep going forward, or two, to turn around and go back.
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_00: Seems straightforward.
• 3:29
  SPEAKER_00: It's not.
• 3:31
  SPEAKER_00: There are forks in the pathway,
• 3:33
  SPEAKER_00: and when I followed the breadcrumbs,
• 3:35
  SPEAKER_00: I wasn't paying any attention to when I turned left or right.
• 3:38
  SPEAKER_00: To go back may in fact mean I'd get more lost than if I kept going forward.
• 3:45
  SPEAKER_00: As the fire began to put off a lot of heat, my chills went away.
• 3:49
  SPEAKER_00: The sun had broken through the clouds and was shining in through the thick privacy window.
• 3:55
  SPEAKER_00: Didn't smell any smoke, just a fire.
• 3:58
  SPEAKER_00: And that is what had happened to me this weekend.
• 4:01
  SPEAKER_00: I found my way to a writer's workshop by continuing to move forward.
• 4:06
  SPEAKER_00: And I was pleasantly surprised to confirm things I already knew
• 4:10
  SPEAKER_00: and learned things I didn't know.
• 4:12
  SPEAKER_00: Watching a fire It's about as mesmerizing to me as driving thousands of miles.
• 4:18
  SPEAKER_00: I think the learning for me is I have a brain without a switch.
• 4:22
  SPEAKER_00: It sleeps, sometimes it dreams, but once awake it fires up.
• 4:27
  SPEAKER_00: No smoke, just a steady burn.
• 4:30
  SPEAKER_00: When a fellow classmate wrote a text in the group chat this weekend,
• 4:34
  SPEAKER_00: my brain got a little fired up.
• 4:37
  SPEAKER_00: Here's the context of the chat.
• 4:39
  SPEAKER_00: They were talking about opening your mind up In allowing your thoughts
• 4:42
  SPEAKER_00: to just make their way to the page without judgment.
• 4:46
  SPEAKER_00: Sounds good.
• 4:48
  SPEAKER_00: I came to realize how much I truly dislike the mental illness tropes of intelligence
• 4:54
  SPEAKER_00: or the ability to have creative energy being
• 4:57
  SPEAKER_00: the reason why some writers can open their imaginations and put words on
• 5:00
  SPEAKER_00: the page seemingly effortlessly.
• 5:04
  SPEAKER_00: One workshop attendee wrote in the group chat the following.
• 5:08
  SPEAKER_00: Like LSD and mental illness, the mind opens up like a Niagara Falls.
• 5:13
  SPEAKER_00: It gives the writer an unfair advantage.
• 5:16
  SPEAKER_00: My reaction, really?
• 5:18
  SPEAKER_00: Unfair?
• 5:20
  SPEAKER_00: OMG.
• 5:22
  SPEAKER_00: Pull a chair up and let's talk.
• 5:25
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, I took a photo of that chat comment,
• 5:28
  SPEAKER_00: and I refrained from typing a lengthy, shaming comment back.
• 5:32
  SPEAKER_00: What would I have said to the poor soul who didn't know anyone would snap a photo of his text?
• 5:38
  SPEAKER_00: I would have said, buddy, you have no idea what you're talking about.
• 5:42
  SPEAKER_00: I've never tripped on LSD, but I've tripped on mental illness.
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_00: It doesn't make my mind open.
• 5:48
  SPEAKER_00: It makes my mind run so fast even I can't keep up with it.
• 5:52
  SPEAKER_00: Or a more eloquent comment like, not all people with mental illness are writers.
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_00: Or a more advocate response like, one in five people live with mental illness.
• 6:03
  SPEAKER_00: Odds are good you may have offended 20% of the entire workshop.
• 6:08
  SPEAKER_00: But really, when I sat and thought about it, I was like, whatever.
• 6:12
  SPEAKER_00: He has no idea what he's talking about.
• 6:15
  SPEAKER_00: Still, I kept the text.
• 6:17
  SPEAKER_00: Gonna look good on a slide presentation one day.
• 6:20
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not freezing cold tonight.
• 6:23
  SPEAKER_00: I still have refused to turn on the heat, likely because I have a fire lit inside of me.
• 6:28
  SPEAKER_00: I can thank Cheryl Strayed for that.
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_00: And I can thank the ones who left all the breadcrumbs for me.
• 6:34
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't turn around.
• 6:35
  SPEAKER_00: I kept moving forward.
• 6:37
  SPEAKER_00: That's what driving my way through grief taught me.
• 6:41
  SPEAKER_00: I've always kept moving forward.
• 6:43
  SPEAKER_00: As tempting as it is to stop when the crumbs stop and turn around
• 6:47
  SPEAKER_00: and run backwards all the way home, turns out home has moved.
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_00: Thanks for listening to Beyond the Arc.
• 6:55
  SPEAKER_00: Life doesn't always leave us a clear path to follow.
• 6:58
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes the breadcrumbs disappear and we have to trust ourselves enough
• 7:01
  SPEAKER_00: to keep moving forward.
• 7:03
  SPEAKER_00: Until next time, keep moving forward one step at a time.