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Sober-Talk -SA- Kiwi John · Sober Talk SA

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  Welcome to Sober Talk. I'm Dennis and I'm an alcoholic
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  soap today thanks to Alcoholics Anonymous.
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  If you or anyone you know is struggling with alcohol, please
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  call Alcoholics Anonymous on 1300 double 22222.
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  I'll visit their website ata.org dot AU.
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  I'll just run through the preamble of Alcoholics
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  Anonymous. Alcoholics Anonymous is a
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  fellowship of people who share the experience, strengthen hope
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  with each other that they may solve their common problems, and
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  help with us to recover from alcoholism.
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  The only requirement for membership is the desire to stop
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  drinking and no dues of fees. Fair membership.
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  We are self supporting through our own contributions.
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  He is not allied with any sect in immersion politics,
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  organization or institution, does not wish to engage in any
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  controversy, either endorses or oppose any causes.
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  Our primary purpose is to stay sober and help other Alcoholics
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  are chiefs of Brady. Hi everybody, I'm John.
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  I'm an alcoholic. Welcome.
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  Nice and cool in here. I think you just read.
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  We asked God for inspiration and intuition.
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  I'm doing that now. I am.
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  I'm sober, I'm here sober, I'm amongst my relatives.
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  I know that there's a bind that binds us together.
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  And when we share, as we do along the pathway, we share
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  different things, little fears. But through that comes this, Bob
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  that. And I love what Peter says and
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  that says in the book. Frothy emotional appeal seldom
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  suffices for the alcoholic. This program has got to have
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  weight and depth, and the love between us has depth and loss.
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  I was taken to a A in 1978 by two AA members.
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  I didn't ring Alcoholics Anonymous.
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  After 40 years of drinking, I had no home, no I no family, no
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  job. Parents wouldn't accept any
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  warfare. I used to phone them up and
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  abuse them if I want. Wasn't phoning them up and
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  abusing them. I was begging them for money.
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  Two ways of looking. I'll say our lies.
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  It's one with the knowledge that we have after coming into a A
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  and experiencing recovery. And there's one that I would
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  like to concentrate on is what happened to me before I got to a
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  A because the big boot puts it and I can't find better where
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  it's pitiful and incomprehensible demoralisation.
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  Pitiful and incomprehensible demoralisation.
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  I didn't study a book to become an alcoholic.
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  I didn't go to some college and this is my life.
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  I'm going to be an alcoholic. I hope this alcoholic that's
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  looking at death's insanity or jail or three of them, and
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  that's what I'm going to do with my life.
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  I wasn't happy at home. My father was Hungarian, my
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  mother is Slavian, which is now, I believe Bosnia Herzegovia,
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  something like that. But they argued, they argued mum
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  had the attitude when in Rome do as the Romans do and we speak
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  English now. And dad said, Oh no, we're
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  Hungarian and we've got to. So there was that.
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  And dad was a very, very strict authoritarian and, you know,
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  just, he believed him. Hidi.
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  I remember on one occasion I was young and people were coming to
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  the door collecting money and I observed my father go to the
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  door and say I'm sorry, I'll got no money.
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  And me shut the door. And I said to him, but Ted,
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  you've got money. I've seen your wallet, I've seen
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  your wallet. And he hit me hard.
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  And he said don't never ever do that again, nor I'll cut your
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  throat. That's what.
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  And yet on the outside, Alpha wondered whether he was an
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  alcoholic. I think it was a rageaholic.
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  On my mum's side. There was alcoholism.
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  My grandfather died of it. She warned me where?
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  When I started drinking seriously at the age of 16.
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  Yeah, Dad had a television show here in Adelaide at the time.
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  He had a cookery school or a restaurant and so it was front.
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  I got to remember to keep this before I got the knowledge from
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  Alcoholics Anonymous and Free Surprise.
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  I just was frightened with all this.
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  I just wanted to leave home. I can read.
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  Then the dressing up in my pages and putting a towel on.
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  As a kid, climbing up on my Chandler roof and jumping off,
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  believing that I could fly like Superman.
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  I believed. I actually talked myself into
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  believing that I could actually fly and be like something.
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  There were problems between my sister and I.
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  I loved my younger brother. I still love him today.
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  I can remember pinching my mother's miniatures at the young
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  age. Dad used to come home early.
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  Well, he'd come home. But Sunday was the day that we
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  were disciplined. Well brother, sister and I and
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  more sunny. Mum wanted him to be more part
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  of the family. Could he?
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  Absent father, I guess is the term.
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  And I just felt this uncomfortableness and I used to
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  bind my nails, nervous about the police.
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  And yet with my school friends, I found the answer.
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  It was with people that were violent but would bash up other
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  kids. And I worked out with my friends
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  and genius. If I stick with these guys, if
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  somebody ever pixel me, they're going to look after me and I
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  follow about writing into my after I had to join up for
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  national service, my mother cried and cried and said, oh,
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  I'm going to lose more family for a number war traumatic time
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  for her. I was going to be very much
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  influenced by TV programmes like The Untouchables and Audie
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  Murphy. My mother liked the the cowboy
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  stories and The Lone Ranger. I identified her.
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  If I was going to be The Lone Ranger and I didn't just stand
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  to see that, I felt so vulnerable.
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  I thought, if you've got a gun, you're not vulnerable.
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  If you're mixed with violent people, they will look after
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  you. Not my father.
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  There was nowhere and my mother was just unhappy all the time,
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  but she tried to, she would do things like buy me aftershade
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  from Avon. And she when dad wrote a letter
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  and went to Sydney and didn't come back, she was crying and
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  crying. And she said to me that at the
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  age of 15, now you're the man of the house.
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  And I can remember feeling this overwhelming fear of the man of
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  the house. And straight away my mind went
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  off of me again and on to somebody who I knew was a good
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  man and the man that I closely related till I was brought up in
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  the Catholic religion through my mother, My father wasn't
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  interested in religion. And and I've lost my train of
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  yeah, I see. I get out on on remembering
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  getting out of myself. Oh God, I didn't like being
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  inside myself. I just answer was always out
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  there. The Lone Ranger were Elliot
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  Ness. I'd made-up my mind when dad
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  left home. Yes, after my mum said now
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  you're the man of the house. I think back now and think mum,
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  I'm just a little boy. That would have been my but I
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  was even too scared to say that. I said I'll look after you, mum,
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  I'll look after you. And I remember we had a buggy
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  but lived for about 14 years. And I came out of a bedroom one
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  day and there was mum in the lounge and mum the floor with
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  the cage. And she had dead pretty boy in
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  her hands. And she said pretty boys died
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  And she was crying. You know what, Maya?
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  She was mum, you shouldn't be crying.
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  Get over it. And I spoke like that.
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  Forgive me, but that's, that's no, you don't you feel good for
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  it. You don't you don't feel both
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  they're they're bad. No, no, you got you got to be
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  happy. You got to be happy.
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  You reminded me how I felt inside.
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  I didn't that fear and I didn't know what thoughts and feelings
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  and things like that. It was only through Alcoholics
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  Anonymous when I was taken here in 1978, all I had was hatred
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  and rage, buried, buried, so much so.
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  But after three months of being in this hospital at the age of
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  28, the councillor who had taken us through the group for three
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  months said to me, John, if you ever drink again, you can come
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  back to this hospital. And my attitude was, no, I'm
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  never drinking again. And meaning I'm never going to
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  be vulnerable like this again. And the other thing was hatred
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  towards God that I couldn't express that in Group, this
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  loving God. I, I looked at the first step
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  and said I'm alright, I'm Catholic.
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  Oh, thank God I'm Catholic. You know, I have the true God,
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  you know, And I acted that out when I left that hospital in my
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  first year. I went to a priest and I believe
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  I'm virtually talking into giving me an exorcism.
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  I was that, you know, overcome by I've got to have an exorcism.
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  I've got a this preset. I've got this poor young man
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  that's that's come to me. But obviously he's got some
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  problems and he said OK. And so, so that all this rage
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  and that and people talking about it and the pride anger, I
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  didn't think I had any. How can I have pride?
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  I've been bashed and put myself in this horrible situations and
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  God, how am I supposed to? I didn't want to leave that
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  hospital. I didn't want to leave that
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  hospital. 1978 I'm out of hospital.
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  But what I do have is something that I didn't have before, a
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  desire to go to meetings. I went to my first meeting and
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  this loving God said, I'm going to put inside of you a desire to
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  go to meetings. And I tell you what, I I was
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  just happy, but I had a little alternative because I didn't
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  want to be seen as this hateful loving.
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  I remember being at a meeting and somebody said, are you happy
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  about being sober? I said yes.
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  He said, have you tried telling your face about it?
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  True story. Have you tried telling your face
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  about it, John? Oh, well, if this is what I used
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  like my fantasy, see if I no wonder I was nearly committed.
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  I was given a choice. Go to the SA hospital or I was
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  going to be committed in an institution that the mind had
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  gone and drinking and and everything that I never wanted
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  to drink again. But these emotions came out and
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  I went to meetings, couldn't stand being alone with myself.
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  And I'd think of a A and I'd feel good.
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  I started getting all the books, you know, a, a comes of age, the
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  12 steps, the 12 traditions, the big book.
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  I have pamphlets, literature. I've got all these books.
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  And the trouble is I started giving them away.
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  I'd read it, then I'd give them away.
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  I'd give them away to other alcohol, you know, forgetting
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  that all this stuff was rage. I just wanted to love.
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  I didn't want to have these hatred and bitterness.
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  And they, they were no good. And yeah, so I stopped drinking
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  and life happened. Kept going to meetings, going to
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  meetings. I had a wife at the time and I
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  would always say to her, I'm a month sober.
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  I'm two months sober. I'm three months.
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  I've got a job now. I've got a job, you know, I'm
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  doing this. I've got this money.
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  Do you want this? You know, all this?
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  Of course my validation was through her and couldn't see it
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  at the time, but that's how I was.
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  And there's so much more. But I tell you, there's nothing
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  worse for me. But I'd found that led me back
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  to drinking quicker than you. Honest newcomers that have come.
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  And you talk about yourselves. You talk about your anger and
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  your bitterness and your fears. I am so much admiration for that
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  because I couldn't do it. I would rather die literally
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  than tell you any more about my vulnerability because I had to
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  learn about this loving environment and that's really
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  about me helping somebody else and encourage somebody else.
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  Yes, Alcoholics and honours just talk about whatever comes out,
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  but don't you don't be like me. Don't be frightened and
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  suppressed back and everything because I went to psychologists
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  and psychiatrists. I still wouldn't tell him.
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  I'd tell him something else. At one stage I was asked to
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  speak and I told him a sponsor story because I didn't think
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  mine, mine was dramatic enough, you know, so I, I still wanted
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  accolades, but it's very lying. And, you know, I hope I'm
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  getting some sort of picture to what alcoholism and, and what
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  this loneliness and fear and everything does, does to us that
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  if shared their lies with me, you know, look, it's our path to
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  them. What, what can I say?
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  I've relipsed and relipsed and Sam and I were talking outside
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  and we both came to the conclusion that drinking,
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  drinking again and staying out there is a lot, lot worse.
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  I'm a lot closer to suicide, taking my own life and hurting
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  others than I do and come in here and say I've had a drink,
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  I've had a drink. I don't know what I'm doing.
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  I just want to be sober and breakdown.
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  It's safe here. That's what I've found and I
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  still find it today. In closing, American Diane's
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  here, lovely to see you again. And we talked outside.
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  I was drinking again. I'd relapsed and this was about
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  probably 5 in a couple of weeks by the brace of God.
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  So it's five years, perhaps 6-7 years ago.
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  I was in the foodland doing some shopping and I saw American
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  Diane and I acknowledged her as a sober member, but I slipped
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  away because I felt so ashamed. Diane came back to me and said,
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  John, please come back to Alcoholics Anonymous.
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  That's Alcoholics Anonymous. That's what I want to do for
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  others. Thank you for listening.
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  And look, I pray for more and more courage to talk about the
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  broken man. That's that's still in their
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  parts. 2877 this year. But I'm back here and Peter and
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  I said, God bless Peter. We just don't pick up the first
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  drink and come to meetings. Thank you, AA.
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  Has more than two million recovering Alcoholics throughout
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  the world. In Australia there are about
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  18,000 members. They are made in over 2000 local
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  meetings spread around the country.
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  Meetings range in size from a handful in some areas to
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  hundreds or more in larger communities.
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  And once again, if anyone you know is struggling with alcohol
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  issues, please call Alcoholics announcing 1300 Double 00000 or
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  visit their website on aa.org dot AU.