Transcript

Mothers Part 1 · Dear Chelsea

0:01
Speaker 1: Hi, this is Chelsea Handler. Welcome to Dear Chelsea. This
0:04
Speaker 1: is a podcast where I am giving out solicited advice
0:09
Speaker 1: and sometimes unsolicited and sometimes unsolicited. We all know that
0:13
Speaker 1: I can do that part with no problem whatsoever. Unsolicited
0:16
Speaker 1: advice seems to be my specialty. Um, but I actually
0:19
Speaker 1: do really enjoy giving advice to people, and I am
0:22
Speaker 1: very delighted also to bring to the for my assistant, Brandon,
0:27
Speaker 1: because not only does Brandon lighten up my life, he
0:30
Speaker 1: lightens up everyone who's in my life their life as well.
0:34
Speaker 1: He is able to just like bring sunshine. People want
0:37
Speaker 1: to face time with Brandon. My family misses Brandon, like
0:41
Speaker 1: everybody loves Brandon, and he needs to be shared with
0:44
Speaker 1: the world. So I was, yeah, I know, I know,
0:47
Speaker 1: that's probably the first time you're hearing me say any
0:49
Speaker 1: of that. You must be blushed, but you're not. I'm
0:52
Speaker 1: looking at you and you're actually not blushing, So that's weird.
0:54
Speaker 1: But anyway, we have given not only advice to each
0:58
Speaker 1: other on several occasions. You've helped me when I was
1:00
Speaker 1: going through therapy and constantly like I'm still grappling with
1:03
Speaker 1: not being a fucking contall the home. Yes, I'm on
1:06
Speaker 1: a cunt loop. You know, there's a period of time
1:08
Speaker 1: where I'm like completely grounded and understanding that i have
1:12
Speaker 1: to be nice, compassion and empathetic, and then there's another
1:15
Speaker 1: period of time where I'm so sick of doing that. Yes,
1:18
Speaker 1: there's a peak in a valley. Anyway, You've always been
1:21
Speaker 1: very good at helping me when I've been struggling with
1:24
Speaker 1: you know, how to handle my emotions, my emotional roller coasters,
1:29
Speaker 1: things like that, and also we've given advice together with
1:32
Speaker 1: lots of friends. You know, a lot of my friends
1:36
Speaker 1: come to me when they're in crisis, and I, for
1:38
Speaker 1: some reason, I'm very drawn to being able to fix
1:41
Speaker 1: a crisis. That's my personality type. I've accepted it. I
1:44
Speaker 1: no longer reject it. But I know that I'm good
1:47
Speaker 1: in a crisis and sometimes when I have overflowed with patients.
1:50
Speaker 1: You have taken on some of my friends who need
1:52
Speaker 1: help and support that You've contracted me and on a
1:54
Speaker 1: few of your project and you've been doing well. Yeah,
1:57
Speaker 1: you have an active case in Canada right now, So
2:01
Speaker 1: how's that going. I'm gonna have to report back because
2:03
Speaker 1: I've not had a status update in a little while,
2:05
Speaker 1: which is concerning, so I'm going to check in today. Actually,
2:07
Speaker 1: this is a good girlfriend of mine who was having
2:09
Speaker 1: trouble with her teenage son, and I enlisted Brandon to
2:12
Speaker 1: talk to her because Brandon was also I was a
2:14
Speaker 1: troubled youth. Yeah. I was a troubled youth too. I
2:17
Speaker 1: was pregnant twice by the time I was fifteen, so
2:19
Speaker 1: I was no walk in the park for my parents,
2:22
Speaker 1: Which is why I think the perspective that we're able
2:25
Speaker 1: to give on some of these is interesting because we're
2:27
Speaker 1: not actually living some of these cases, whether it be
2:30
Speaker 1: with marriage or kids or certain types of relationships, so
2:33
Speaker 1: we can give an objective perspective. Yeah, I agree with that.
2:37
Speaker 1: I agree with the fact that because neither of us
2:39
Speaker 1: have children, we can give objective feedback about how your
2:42
Speaker 1: children are behaving and your relationship with them because all
2:45
Speaker 1: we do is see people with children. I've seen so
2:48
Speaker 1: many different kinds of parenting in my life, so I
2:50
Speaker 1: do feel like I have an idea about giving advice
2:53
Speaker 1: on the subject matter which will come in handy. So
2:56
Speaker 1: we're going to do all sorts of different types of
2:58
Speaker 1: Mother's Day, right ins Okay, So some that need a
3:01
Speaker 1: perspective on being a mother. Some that have issues with
3:04
Speaker 1: their mother, and you're wearing a necklace on this on
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Speaker 1: this recording day. Is that for any reason in particular? No,
3:11
Speaker 1: that just is how I was feeling this morning when
3:13
Speaker 1: I woke up. But it has no regard to how
3:15
Speaker 1: I feel about Mother's Day, which is I would say
3:17
Speaker 1: my mom is, my mom is dead. Your mom is
3:20
Speaker 1: a hot mess. She is. I always say that she
3:24
Speaker 1: when we frame it that way. I like to say
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Speaker 1: that my mother is a mix between Martha Stewart and
3:28
Speaker 1: Anna Nicole Smith, because she's very beautiful and she's very domestic,
3:32
Speaker 1: but she's messy. She's messy because she has like a
3:35
Speaker 1: drinking problem. Yeah she's got Yeah, she's just got problems.
3:39
Speaker 1: She's got. She's got a variety of them, and they
3:41
Speaker 1: don't coincide well together, right, they don't live well together.
3:45
Speaker 1: My mother was really sweet, really nice, really the opposite
3:49
Speaker 1: of me. Not. She was very much not outgoing, very introverted, quiet,
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Speaker 1: but had like a kind of sarcastic undertone, and she
3:59
Speaker 1: was never into alcohol or anything like that. She was
4:03
Speaker 1: like a total homebody mama, bear like snuggly, like you
4:07
Speaker 1: wanted to come home, snuggle her, and then she would
4:09
Speaker 1: give you a Snickers bar. Well, and she passed about
4:12
Speaker 1: a decade ago. Don't say passed like that. I always
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Speaker 1: find that so, well, did she passed away? Not passed.
4:18
Speaker 1: That's like saying somebody crossed over. Maybe she did. She
4:24
Speaker 1: did because I talked to my mother every morning and meditation.
4:26
Speaker 1: I'm like, okay, I I summoned my mother and I
4:29
Speaker 1: pretend like that she's with me. I actually I have
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Speaker 1: to say with meditation and therapy and all that stuff.
4:35
Speaker 1: Now that my mother is dead, I feel closer to
4:37
Speaker 1: her than I did when she was alive. But was
4:39
Speaker 1: that immediate or as time has gone on now most
4:43
Speaker 1: recently like after you know, learning all the stuff I
4:46
Speaker 1: learned about, like energy and that no one's ever really gone.
4:48
Speaker 1: They just transformed into something else, like a leaf, like
4:51
Speaker 1: a leaf for it. Yea. But yeah, so Mother's Day,
4:57
Speaker 1: the topic of Mother's Day was always something that you
5:00
Speaker 1: did out of respect to mother's right, and that's a
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Speaker 1: necessary tradition that should keep going. But there are different
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Speaker 1: types of mothers in our lives. Is something else that
5:08
Speaker 1: I've come to realize as you get older, some people
5:10
Speaker 1: play a motherly role even though they're not your mother
5:13
Speaker 1: or can give you that sort of insight or perspective
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Speaker 1: or nurturing that you need. And so you just have
5:19
Speaker 1: to appreciate all the women in your life for the
5:21
Speaker 1: mother that they do. Yeah. Yeah, And there's a lot
5:23
Speaker 1: of people that remind me of my own mom, you
5:25
Speaker 1: know that I'm drawn to that aren't mothers in my life,
5:27
Speaker 1: but they have that same energy. You know, what was
5:29
Speaker 1: your favorite thing about your mom? My mom was just
5:32
Speaker 1: just a snuggle fest. Like you just wanted to like
5:34
Speaker 1: roll up in a ball and like watch TV with her,
5:38
Speaker 1: and she'd like tickle the bottom of your feet. And
5:40
Speaker 1: she was all about food. So that's why I have like,
5:43
Speaker 1: you know, she would make macaroni and cheese, like the
5:45
Speaker 1: really good cheesy kind at like three when we would
5:49
Speaker 1: get home from school. At that point, I was youngest,
5:51
Speaker 1: so I was only yeah, well basically yeah, something of
5:55
Speaker 1: that magnitude of cheese, and it would be home at
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Speaker 1: three o'clock in the afternoon, like and I assume that
6:00
Speaker 1: was a snack, you know, So I would eat that
6:02
Speaker 1: every day and then like I wonder why I have sucking,
6:05
Speaker 1: you know, issues with food is because my mother was
6:07
Speaker 1: feeding me like I was like, we just came out
6:09
Speaker 1: of a war. Was that her love language? Yes? Yeah,
6:13
Speaker 1: whatever that means, Brandon, I'm assuming that was yes, I
6:17
Speaker 1: mean love language. I can only assume what that means. Well,
6:20
Speaker 1: you know what's interesting is the way you describe your mother.
6:22
Speaker 1: You describe your dogs that you want a dog who
6:24
Speaker 1: wants to cuddle you all the time and just as
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Speaker 1: a little ball that you can curl up into. It
6:30
Speaker 1: wouldn't be any surprise to me if my mother was burnt,
6:33
Speaker 1: like I wouldn't be any super now. She'd be Bernice,
6:35
Speaker 1: because Bernice gives me the finger all the time. My
6:37
Speaker 1: mom had that kind of wicked sense of humor where
6:39
Speaker 1: she would come back as a dog just to ignore
6:42
Speaker 1: Your mom must be spirit hopping, because at one point
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Speaker 1: it was chunks spirit. She's just like going from dog
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Speaker 1: to dog, just this one goes. She's like, okay, I'm
6:50
Speaker 1: gonna pop on into this one. Yeah. Yeah, but that's
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Speaker 1: something my mother would do, would come back as a
6:55
Speaker 1: dog and then just be an asshole to me. Once
6:57
Speaker 1: I moved to l A, I was really young. I
6:59
Speaker 1: was like nineteen or twenty and I moved to l A.
7:01
Speaker 1: And if I didn't call her like every other day
7:04
Speaker 1: or whatever it was. Every third day she would call
7:07
Speaker 1: me until I called her back. And this was before
7:09
Speaker 1: cell phones, like we're everywhere, you know you had one,
7:13
Speaker 1: But like, I would never answer myself from him, So
7:15
Speaker 1: she kept calling my landline. So one morning it started
7:18
Speaker 1: bringing at four am. I ignored it five am and
7:21
Speaker 1: then I answered it and she was like, this is
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Speaker 1: what happens when you don't call your mother, and then
7:26
Speaker 1: hung up on me. So she woke me up at
7:28
Speaker 1: like those times. So that was her sense of humor,
7:31
Speaker 1: Like yeah, just like I'm a little bit of a bit,
7:34
Speaker 1: but I'm not too much of a bit. But she
7:36
Speaker 1: was sharp. Everyone in her family seems to have that gene.
7:40
Speaker 1: They were they're quick. Oh yeah, well that's nice. I mean,
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Speaker 1: I'm glad that they would probably love to hear you
7:45
Speaker 1: say that. Everyone's pretty quick, but everyone's very sarcastic. So quick,
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Speaker 1: isn't you know the word? Everyone's just a little bit
7:53
Speaker 1: like subversive. Do you have a favorite memory of your mom?
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Speaker 1: It would involve food, probably Martha's vineyard, being on the
8:02
Speaker 1: beach with her, because she would never come to the beach.
8:04
Speaker 1: My mom like never did any of the things that
8:06
Speaker 1: a mother did. She never went to my school conferences
8:09
Speaker 1: on my like ninth birthday, she never came to pick
8:11
Speaker 1: me up from school. She said. I was like, hey,
8:14
Speaker 1: it's my birthday. I want you to take me to
8:16
Speaker 1: Launch school literally was down the street. I wrote the
8:18
Speaker 1: letter for her. She signed it. That's how I operated
8:21
Speaker 1: on my whole childhood until I started just forging both
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Speaker 1: of their signatures because I was like, these two are
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Speaker 1: fucking deadweight, like my parents were deadweight. So I wrote this.
8:29
Speaker 1: I'm like, please excuse Chelsea, it's her birthday. I'm taking
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Speaker 1: her a lunch. No one shows, my mother never shows,
8:35
Speaker 1: and I walk home. I'm fuming, so I have to
8:37
Speaker 1: go back to class. I have not gotten out to
8:39
Speaker 1: Launch on my birthday. I'm so pissed. You know, I'm
8:42
Speaker 1: nine years old, so it's everything. I walk home, I
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Speaker 1: storm it, and I just remember fucking going off on
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Speaker 1: my mother, like how could you leave me on my birthday?
8:51
Speaker 1: How could you fucking do that? Do you understand all
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Speaker 1: I ask of you is to do one thing, and
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Speaker 1: that's to pick me up. And she's like, sweetie, I
8:58
Speaker 1: was picking you up. I picked you up, and she
9:00
Speaker 1: picked me up, But she never came into the school
9:03
Speaker 1: to sign me out, Like she just sat at this
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Speaker 1: parking lot that I come out to at the end
9:07
Speaker 1: of the day, you know, on the days she did
9:09
Speaker 1: decide to pick me up, and she didn't even understand
9:12
Speaker 1: that you had to go in and sign your child out,
9:14
Speaker 1: like she didn't understand any of the mechanics. And no, no,
9:18
Speaker 1: she couldn't. And she was tired all the time, so
9:20
Speaker 1: she must have been depressed. Now, in retrospect, all signs
9:24
Speaker 1: leading I mean, being married and my father could not
9:26
Speaker 1: have been uplifting. You have two sisters, Which of you
9:31
Speaker 1: three has more of your mom? Nice sister Shoshana for sure.
9:35
Speaker 1: But that's enough about my mother. Let's talk about your
9:38
Speaker 1: mother so you can bring people up to speed on
9:39
Speaker 1: the kind of situation you're dealing with. So your mother
9:41
Speaker 1: has been divorced like six times. Okay, why don't you
9:47
Speaker 1: start with that. By the way, mom, if you're listening,
9:50
Speaker 1: nice to meet you know, i've met her before over
9:53
Speaker 1: the phone. I think I don't know anyway. Yeah, so
9:57
Speaker 1: she's just in that regard. Yeah, she's been married times.
10:00
Speaker 1: And the one thing I try and keep a positive
10:02
Speaker 1: outlook on most aspects of my mother's life. And in
10:06
Speaker 1: that regard, I say that, you know, she never stopped
10:08
Speaker 1: looking for love, and I think that most people become
10:11
Speaker 1: jaded by that if they don't find it the first
10:14
Speaker 1: second or third time. But no, no, no, not her.
10:17
Speaker 1: She's not going to stop. That's an optimistic way of
10:20
Speaker 1: looking at it. So, yeah, she's just a woman with
10:24
Speaker 1: some issues. How was she growing up? How what kind
10:26
Speaker 1: of mother was she when you were growing up? Again,
10:29
Speaker 1: it was super high or super low. She was like,
10:33
Speaker 1: you know, from an outside perspective, she had it all together,
10:35
Speaker 1: and she's so pretty and she could do she was
10:37
Speaker 1: like Barbie as well. So she's done everything. She was. Yeah,
10:39
Speaker 1: you showed me a picture of her. She was the
10:43
Speaker 1: woman at Lancomb who went around the US and like
10:45
Speaker 1: this is when department store makeup artists were like if
10:48
Speaker 1: you were one of those, you had your face on
10:51
Speaker 1: posters that you were coming in. And she was a
10:53
Speaker 1: projects manager for a chemical engineering company. She owned her
10:56
Speaker 1: open Bay caree. Like she's done everything. So I always
10:58
Speaker 1: thought of her as like a real life Barbie. There's
11:00
Speaker 1: nothing she couldn't do. And she's a single mom with
11:02
Speaker 1: four kids, and you know, that cause issues of its own,
11:06
Speaker 1: but she always worked like three jobs to take care
11:08
Speaker 1: of us. So so I have a tender spot for
11:10
Speaker 1: any woman who I see going through something is I
11:13
Speaker 1: know that all of those people are just one bad
11:15
Speaker 1: decision away from being homeless, basically, so I try and
11:18
Speaker 1: be as empathetic as possible, even to my you know, mother,
11:21
Speaker 1: who I have no contact with, because she's just well,
11:24
Speaker 1: that's not true. You you don't have no contact with her.
11:26
Speaker 1: You did call the police on her in her local
11:28
Speaker 1: city to let them know that she was drinking and
11:30
Speaker 1: driving and gave them her license plate number. So I
11:32
Speaker 1: would say that that's a not direct contract, but that's
11:36
Speaker 1: that's an indirect contact. And I like your style. I
11:40
Speaker 1: think that's fucking awesome. So we have to sometimes we
11:43
Speaker 1: end up parenting our parents, and that's okay, Yeah, we
11:45
Speaker 1: have to hold people accountable, right, I think that's true.
11:48
Speaker 1: I think a lot of people parent their parents. I
11:50
Speaker 1: didn't really do that, I don't think. I mean, I'm
11:53
Speaker 1: the youngest of six kids, so I didn't have to
11:55
Speaker 1: parent my parents. But I definitely see you parenting your mom,
11:58
Speaker 1: and I mean us, because it's not me. I find
12:01
Speaker 1: it hilarious, Like, I find it hilarious. Your mother has
12:05
Speaker 1: to be like that you freeze her out and that
12:08
Speaker 1: you don't talk to her when she misbehaves, and that
12:11
Speaker 1: you're not willing to funk around. I think it's really funny. No,
12:14
Speaker 1: I don't work around. I can't. I mean at this juncture,
12:17
Speaker 1: I'm thirty two years old, Like, I'm not gonna put
12:20
Speaker 1: up with that sort of behavior. And this is one
12:23
Speaker 1: of those situations in life that as you get older,
12:26
Speaker 1: if you do, and I'm assuming a lot of people
12:28
Speaker 1: who are going to listen to this have that dynamic
12:30
Speaker 1: with their parents, those are relationships you want, Those are
12:34
Speaker 1: not relationships you need. So once you make that distinction,
12:37
Speaker 1: things become much easier. Yeah, I mean you say that
12:40
Speaker 1: a lot. You say those are relationships you want versus
12:43
Speaker 1: relationships you need, like a parent child relationship. But a
12:46
Speaker 1: lot of people think that you need that. They don't
12:49
Speaker 1: understand that you can divorce your parents or your son,
12:53
Speaker 1: and they don't have an ability to do it. Well,
12:56
Speaker 1: everyone has the ability to do it, because I've done.
12:58
Speaker 1: I was so codependent for so long, mean, we were
13:00
Speaker 1: in cahoots. But then once you just make that decision, like,
13:04
Speaker 1: what is this relationship adding to my life? If it's positive, great,
13:07
Speaker 1: And if it's not, then you have to make an adjustment.
13:09
Speaker 1: And when you do, you feel so much more powerful
13:12
Speaker 1: in that relationship. Yeah. Yeah, well you're not behold in,
13:16
Speaker 1: you know. Yeah. I think we should take a quick
13:18
Speaker 1: break and then we'll come back and you want to
13:20
Speaker 1: start taking some callers, Yes, I would love to. We'll
13:23
Speaker 1: be right back. So our first mission comes from Billy,
13:27
Speaker 1: who is from Minneapolis. I like the way you get.
13:29
Speaker 1: You get very excited when you talk about submissions. I
13:33
Speaker 1: like that you take it seriously. You better hang on.
13:36
Speaker 1: You've got quite a few today. Okay, Well I think better. Okay.
13:40
Speaker 1: So his name is Billy, he's thirty three, and he's
13:42
Speaker 1: from Minneapolis, and he writes, Dear Chelsea. I was raised
13:44
Speaker 1: an only and adopted child by my parents who are
13:47
Speaker 1: not able to conceive. My whole life has been based
13:49
Speaker 1: on my ability to be the perfect offspring. At thirty
13:52
Speaker 1: three years old, I still carry some of that baggage
13:55
Speaker 1: and feel like a failure. Being adopted as a blessing
13:57
Speaker 1: and occurs you feel wanted, but you need to deliver.
14:01
Speaker 1: My parents wanted me to be an evangelical symbol of heterosexuality,
14:05
Speaker 1: but I ended up being a godless homo. Even when
14:08
Speaker 1: you're wanted, you still seek more. I met my birth
14:10
Speaker 1: mother when I was eighteen. I soon found out that
14:12
Speaker 1: she married my birth father and had three more children
14:14
Speaker 1: after putting me up for adoption. How do you move
14:17
Speaker 1: forward from an event like that and successfully seek and
14:19
Speaker 1: identify your core beliefs? Seeking identity has been an ongoing
14:23
Speaker 1: issue for many years, and I'm hoping you can provide
14:25
Speaker 1: some insight on how you have built yours. In the
14:27
Speaker 1: past few years, there have been multiple debts within the family,
14:30
Speaker 1: including my adoptive father. Now it's just me and my
14:33
Speaker 1: adoptive mother. I want to move forward with my life
14:35
Speaker 1: in a different part of the country, but I know
14:37
Speaker 1: it will kill her. She's the only family I have left,
14:40
Speaker 1: and I need to develop myself somewhere else. Any thoughts
14:42
Speaker 1: would be appreciated. Billy, Oh, my god, that is just
14:47
Speaker 1: so many things. Well, there's a lot going on there,
14:49
Speaker 1: but he's on the phone, so I think that we
14:51
Speaker 1: should get a little additional insight. Billy, h were you hi?
14:58
Speaker 1: Thank you for your letter. I mean that is a
15:00
Speaker 1: lot to handle. Yes, yes, it is, but that's life right. Well, yeah,
15:06
Speaker 1: because there's a lot to say here, Like you know, instinctively,
15:09
Speaker 1: I would always tell everybody to just like reach for
15:11
Speaker 1: their dreams and and go for it and take a
15:14
Speaker 1: huge risk in life, which would be moving away. But
15:17
Speaker 1: then you say, your adoptive mother is a widow and
15:19
Speaker 1: she's there alone and you're all she has, so there's
15:22
Speaker 1: a sense of responsibility along with that. And is there
15:25
Speaker 1: any chance of your adoptive mother. We're going to get
15:28
Speaker 1: to all of this stuff that's in the letter, but
15:30
Speaker 1: is there any chance that your adoptive mother would be
15:32
Speaker 1: willing to relocate with you, not like live together, but
15:35
Speaker 1: relocate together so that you're not separating. I don't think so,
15:39
Speaker 1: because her roots are pretty deep in that area, just
15:42
Speaker 1: because that's where she lived with my dad for so long.
15:44
Speaker 1: But I think overall, just because she and I have
15:48
Speaker 1: had a very tight knit relationship for a long time,
15:51
Speaker 1: and I think honestly moving away would be the best
15:55
Speaker 1: for both of us. Okay, well, then that seems like
15:58
Speaker 1: you already have the answer to that question, s jan
16:00
Speaker 1: If you know that intellectually, then all you have to
16:02
Speaker 1: do is just kind of bite the bullet. And it
16:04
Speaker 1: seems like, you know, you don't have to go where
16:06
Speaker 1: Where does she live? She lives about an hour and
16:09
Speaker 1: twenty minutes away from where I live in Minneapolis. Okay,
16:12
Speaker 1: so you're thinking about leaving Minneapolis and going somewhere even
16:15
Speaker 1: farther all the way up to the main main Uh huh, Okay, Well,
16:20
Speaker 1: I think you deserve to do whatever you want to
16:22
Speaker 1: do with your life, you know, if you really want
16:24
Speaker 1: to take a leap of faith and try something new.
16:26
Speaker 1: I really, my heart of hearts, don't think you'll ever
16:29
Speaker 1: regret making a move like that. You know, it might
16:32
Speaker 1: test your relationship, or it might make you closer with
16:34
Speaker 1: your mother because you haven't been a part and so
16:36
Speaker 1: there's a lot of codependency there. So and then let's
16:40
Speaker 1: get back to this adopted stuff about you and your
16:42
Speaker 1: adoptive parents and them having three more children together. That
16:47
Speaker 1: must feel like it's very very personal. Yes, um, my
16:53
Speaker 1: birth mother got pregnant when she was nineteen. She was
16:56
Speaker 1: broken up with my birth father at the time, did
17:00
Speaker 1: not tell him that she was pregnant, and ended up
17:04
Speaker 1: having me, giving me up for adoption and not telling
17:07
Speaker 1: him for eighteen years. Okay, well, then there you go
17:10
Speaker 1: with the explanation for that reasoning, you know what I mean.
17:13
Speaker 1: So are you able to excise yourself from the idea
17:16
Speaker 1: that you were rejected because are you pass that or
17:20
Speaker 1: is that something you're struggling with? It comes and goes.
17:23
Speaker 1: I mean I met them when I was eighteen, so
17:26
Speaker 1: it's been a few years and so there's been a
17:29
Speaker 1: lot of processing through it. Some days are good, some
17:31
Speaker 1: days are bad. But I mean it's one of those
17:34
Speaker 1: things that you go back to and you think over
17:37
Speaker 1: a little bit too hard. But then at the end
17:38
Speaker 1: of the day, it's like, I would not have the
17:40
Speaker 1: life that I have right now if it wasn't for
17:43
Speaker 1: that action that she did. And so there's just the
17:46
Speaker 1: acceptance peace. Yeah, absolutely, and I what God? And do
17:50
Speaker 1: you still have communication with your biological parents now? Uh?
17:55
Speaker 1: Not for maybe a couple of years now. My birth
17:58
Speaker 1: mother has a very severe mental illness challenge, and it's well,
18:03
Speaker 1: there you go. You dodged another bullet by not being
18:05
Speaker 1: raised by her, So there you go. Yeah exactly. But
18:08
Speaker 1: I would urge you to really understand the value that
18:11
Speaker 1: you have just by being here, like you're not here
18:13
Speaker 1: by accident. People go back to negative narratives like oh god, well,
18:17
Speaker 1: why did my parents do that? Why why didn't she
18:19
Speaker 1: tell him? For eighteen years? Maybe my life would have
18:22
Speaker 1: been different, Like your life isn't different. And the only
18:24
Speaker 1: way to capitalize on what you're going through right now
18:27
Speaker 1: is to be grateful and to accept it and to
18:30
Speaker 1: do what's in your best interest for you to thrive
18:32
Speaker 1: as a person and not to be depending on any
18:35
Speaker 1: of these people in your life, right right, completely agree. Well,
18:39
Speaker 1: and you know, between going to school and I'm an
18:42
Speaker 1: alcohol and drug counselor as well, you're gonna I'm an alcoholic,
18:45
Speaker 1: I'm like, no, ship, I wouldn't be too, No, not
18:48
Speaker 1: for the moment um. Yeah, but I every day I
18:52
Speaker 1: talked to clients about what it's like to are asking
18:54
Speaker 1: them to search for their own identity as well. And
18:57
Speaker 1: I was actually just looking at my own life and
18:59
Speaker 1: being like, you know what, I haven't been really walking
19:01
Speaker 1: this walk either, And so you know, identity is based
19:05
Speaker 1: on our experiences and lessons learned through adverse experiences, right,
19:09
Speaker 1: And so that's why I just wanted to pick your
19:12
Speaker 1: brain on it, because it's something you can't ignore it forever. Yeah,
19:15
Speaker 1: and your identity isn't based on your birth mother or
19:18
Speaker 1: your adoptive mother or your adoptive father. Your identity is
19:21
Speaker 1: based on how you handle your life situation, on what
19:24
Speaker 1: you do with your life moving far, like taking a
19:27
Speaker 1: leap of faith and moving to Maine and taking that
19:30
Speaker 1: risk is going to reap probably a lot of happiness
19:33
Speaker 1: in your life. I would surmise, Brandon, what what what
19:36
Speaker 1: do you have to say on the matter. I agree.
19:38
Speaker 1: I think that I'm also a gay man and have
19:41
Speaker 1: a very complicated relationship with my mother, and I think
19:44
Speaker 1: that the amount of insight you will receive from removing
19:47
Speaker 1: yourself from that daily habit with her and starting a
19:51
Speaker 1: life for yourself somewhere that then you're kind of forced
19:54
Speaker 1: to communicate in a different way and leverage your time
19:57
Speaker 1: together when you have it, versus it just being said
20:00
Speaker 1: too consistent part of your life. That if you never
20:03
Speaker 1: make that choice, you could end up being resentful for
20:06
Speaker 1: exactly exactly. And it's kind of a mental and emotional
20:09
Speaker 1: move at the same time. Because you know where I'm
20:12
Speaker 1: from originally, you know, growing up in a really small
20:15
Speaker 1: town as a gay person where it really wasn't allowed
20:19
Speaker 1: when I was young. Anyway, there's this whole There's just
20:21
Speaker 1: been a lot of levels to the identity piece that
20:23
Speaker 1: have been just kind of haunting and just that overshadowing
20:27
Speaker 1: of everything that I've been doing for the past on
20:29
Speaker 1: teen years. And I think that this move just kind
20:32
Speaker 1: of represents moving forward on like ten different levels. And
20:38
Speaker 1: so yeah, I would agree back to something that you
20:41
Speaker 1: guys just mentioned. Do you think that being a gay
20:43
Speaker 1: man complicates your relationship with your mother or you're just
20:46
Speaker 1: as saying that you're a gay man who also has
20:48
Speaker 1: a complicated relationship with your mom. You know, this is
20:53
Speaker 1: an interesting question because yeah, I would say both to
20:55
Speaker 1: some degree. I think that most from my perspective, most
20:59
Speaker 1: gay men have complicated relationships with their mother. It's either
21:02
Speaker 1: an over like an overly codependent relationship, or it's competitive
21:07
Speaker 1: to a certain degree. And what are you competing about, Like,
21:12
Speaker 1: for I don't know what the competition is, but it's
21:16
Speaker 1: just that there's like a dynamic that you feel like
21:21
Speaker 1: it's one upping, like someone always has to be better
21:23
Speaker 1: than the other with your mother. To some degree, yeah,
21:26
Speaker 1: I see that with a lot of my friends that
21:27
Speaker 1: if it's not super codependent, like five phone calls a day.
21:31
Speaker 1: Then there's an underlying jealousy to some degree, and I
21:33
Speaker 1: don't know where that stems from. I don't know if
21:36
Speaker 1: it's I think competitive, though might be the wrong word.
21:39
Speaker 1: There's something it's gamesmanship, right, yeah, it's games What about you, Billy?
21:44
Speaker 1: Is that is that true for you? I think there's
21:46
Speaker 1: an extra responsibility and this is just my opinion, but
21:49
Speaker 1: I think there's an extra responsibility for gay men to
21:51
Speaker 1: take care of their mother's And I don't know if
21:55
Speaker 1: there's some of that dynamic between the father, if there
21:57
Speaker 1: is a father figure where that gets in the way
21:59
Speaker 1: of what the relationship with the mother supposed to be like.
22:02
Speaker 1: But with my personal experience, you know, it was my
22:05
Speaker 1: mom and me, and then it was my dad and
22:07
Speaker 1: so we we had a relationship that kind of represented
22:11
Speaker 1: a partnership, and then he got kind of pushed to
22:14
Speaker 1: the side because of his own shortcomings for lack of
22:17
Speaker 1: a better term, right, Right, It's like being in a
22:19
Speaker 1: threesome and you're the one at the end of the bed.
22:21
Speaker 1: And can I just say this is another part about
22:23
Speaker 1: your identity and trying to become a fully realized adult.
22:27
Speaker 1: Basically outside of this one thing in life, your adoption
22:30
Speaker 1: that for a lot of people really determine the trajectory
22:34
Speaker 1: of what they're going to do. You see it so
22:35
Speaker 1: much with adopted kids that can't get themselves out of
22:39
Speaker 1: that one aspect of who they are. And my mom
22:42
Speaker 1: is adopted and the thing that I wish for her
22:45
Speaker 1: that again, this is like we spoke about at the
22:47
Speaker 1: beginning of this episode, like she has a lot of issues,
22:50
Speaker 1: but being able to leverage a different perspective that being
22:52
Speaker 1: adopted gives you. So many people find it, you know,
22:55
Speaker 1: it's so negative. There are so many harmful repercussions that
22:58
Speaker 1: they see if it's not hand it in a certain way.
23:01
Speaker 1: But you now have tools and you now have a
23:03
Speaker 1: perspective a lot of people don't having met your biological parents,
23:07
Speaker 1: knowing your adoptive parents and what sort of life they've
23:10
Speaker 1: provided you. So it's important, like Chelsea's that change the
23:13
Speaker 1: narrative of it being a negative thing to being a positive, like,
23:15
Speaker 1: look at what I've gotten to experience. You have a bone,
23:17
Speaker 1: as they say in Sweden. In Sweden, you have a
23:20
Speaker 1: bonus family, Like you have all these bonus people in
23:23
Speaker 1: your life that you didn't get to. You know, you
23:25
Speaker 1: have to look at these things in life like we
23:28
Speaker 1: have to take the negative experiences and turn them into positives.
23:31
Speaker 1: That's our responsibility because that's really the only control you have,
23:35
Speaker 1: And you have all these things sound positive. Look at you.
23:38
Speaker 1: You're normal, you're saying you're you're smart, you're good looking,
23:41
Speaker 1: You're about to move to Maine, and you know, like
23:44
Speaker 1: all this great stuff is happening. So yeah, I'm not
23:47
Speaker 1: worried about you for a second. You're getting into like
23:49
Speaker 1: being a fully realized man. Well, thank you very much
23:53
Speaker 1: for that. It just sometimes feels like, even as someone
23:56
Speaker 1: in their early thirties, I feel like some days I'm twelves,
23:59
Speaker 1: some days I might five years old, And it just
24:01
Speaker 1: gets like I think that's just been the human condition
24:04
Speaker 1: in general. Each day we wake up kind of either
24:06
Speaker 1: able to handle X, Y and Z or just kind
24:08
Speaker 1: of want to hide. Yeah, yeah, I just remember, you're
24:11
Speaker 1: not the only but you're not the only person thinking
24:13
Speaker 1: what you're thinking. You know exactly exactly. Well, thank you
24:18
Speaker 1: so much, Billy. Please keep us posted, let us know
24:20
Speaker 1: if you make the move. We'd like to keep track
24:23
Speaker 1: of the story. And I want to make sure you
24:25
Speaker 1: reach out to both of your mothers on Mother's Day now,
24:29
Speaker 1: just as a nice jester. Just as a nice jester. Yeah,
24:32
Speaker 1: for sure, want and maybe reach out to a mother
24:33
Speaker 1: that you don't know a stranger. Absolutely, okay, thanks, thank you,
24:38
Speaker 1: Billy Bye. I like Billy Billy had a feeling. Oh
24:42
Speaker 1: that was really sincere. And like I feel like Dr
24:46
Speaker 1: Phil right now. And I feel like Dr Phil with
24:50
Speaker 1: his wife. You know how his wife goes to work
24:52
Speaker 1: with him. That's like us. It's like I go to
24:55
Speaker 1: work and then you come with me. Did you have
24:57
Speaker 1: someone that you loved in daytime? I love to sell
25:00
Speaker 1: Jesse Rafael. You mean Sally Jessica Rafael. Yes, No, that's
25:04
Speaker 1: not right. I just made that up. Okay, So you
25:07
Speaker 1: can't agree with everything I say. I mean that that
25:09
Speaker 1: doesn't That doesn't lend credibility to me. I'm wrong so
25:13
Speaker 1: much in those ways that when you do correct me,
25:15
Speaker 1: typically you are right. So now I default to trusting
25:17
Speaker 1: you if you say something like that that I was wrong. Right. Oh,
25:21
Speaker 1: I'm hosting Ellen The Ellen Show. Speaking of daytime. You
25:24
Speaker 1: know when I think the dates are June and July one,
25:29
Speaker 1: they are correct, Yes, so you can look out for that. Okay,
25:32
Speaker 1: what else do we have today. Okay. Our next submission
25:35
Speaker 1: comes from a woman named Carly. She's thirty five. We
25:38
Speaker 1: don't know where she is, but she's having some issues
25:40
Speaker 1: with her mother. So let's see what you think about this.
25:43
Speaker 1: She says, Hi, Chelsea, coming to you is the final resort.
25:46
Speaker 1: I've attempted to make peace via mental health professionals who
25:50
Speaker 1: I'm supposed to trust, but it hasn't gotten me very far.
25:52
Speaker 1: I saw your post and thought to myself, why not.
25:54
Speaker 1: I have nothing left to lose. My mother is a
25:57
Speaker 1: complete narcissist who emotionally and sometimes physically a used everyone
26:00
Speaker 1: in my family. My dad is dead now, and since
26:03
Speaker 1: he's died, the gloves have really come off. The family
26:06
Speaker 1: has fallen apart, and we're all estranged. I couldn't see
26:09
Speaker 1: any end to my mother's emotional abuse. I created a
26:11
Speaker 1: boundary and said, unless my mom goes to counseling to
26:14
Speaker 1: build a healthy relationship in a safe space, we will
26:17
Speaker 1: not have a relationship. She said she won't be bullied
26:20
Speaker 1: into going to counseling. I'm wondering if I should let
26:22
Speaker 1: it all go except who she is, knowing that she'll
26:24
Speaker 1: probably hurt me again, or if I should continue to
26:27
Speaker 1: hold my boundary. I also have a daughter now who
26:30
Speaker 1: I need to protect after seeing my mom's abuse of
26:32
Speaker 1: my niece. She's seventy and won't be around much longer.
26:35
Speaker 1: I really miss her and need my mom. But also
26:37
Speaker 1: she's such a huge count. If I decided to keep
26:42
Speaker 1: her out of my life, how do I prevent the
26:44
Speaker 1: issue from eating me up and turning me into a
26:46
Speaker 1: bitter cunt to Society really doesn't like to talk about
26:49
Speaker 1: the fact that there are moms who don't love their kids.
26:52
Speaker 1: Although I'm almost thirty five, I feel doomed to live
26:55
Speaker 1: a life and a perpetual and fantilized state because I
26:57
Speaker 1: can't grow past the trauma of my mom wanting me
27:00
Speaker 1: Oh my god. Mothers are mothers like that? Are cunts,
27:05
Speaker 1: They are brandon This is a field. This is your wheeled, wheeledhouse.
27:09
Speaker 1: This is your field house. Now this is your wheelhouse.
27:14
Speaker 1: These submissions make me realize everyone has an issue. Well
27:17
Speaker 1: that's not only that, though, but it's just like, you know,
27:20
Speaker 1: mothers who act like that and who are not supportive
27:22
Speaker 1: to their children are baffling. Why would you go through
27:25
Speaker 1: that to bring a child into this world to not
27:27
Speaker 1: be able to put your best to it, you know,
27:31
Speaker 1: like do it? Well, did you always know you did
27:33
Speaker 1: not want to be a mom? I knew because I
27:35
Speaker 1: wouldn't be a good mother because I'm a selfish cunt,
27:38
Speaker 1: That's why. And once you realize that makes everything else.
27:41
Speaker 1: So yeah, but it's like, come come on, you know,
27:44
Speaker 1: these poor kids have to grow up thinking that their
27:47
Speaker 1: mother doesn't love them or their mother rejected them. I mean,
27:49
Speaker 1: how many people in this world have to experience that.
27:52
Speaker 1: It's so it's so sad to think of. Let's talk
27:55
Speaker 1: to Carly about it. I think she's on the phone. Well,
27:58
Speaker 1: that was a long letter. She's going to follow it
27:59
Speaker 1: up up. Hi, Hi Carly, Hello, Hi, Oh my god,
28:03
Speaker 1: I felt so bad reading it. Well, Brandon just read
28:06
Speaker 1: me your submission, your letter, and it's just such a
28:08
Speaker 1: bummer that your mother is like that. Yeah, I mean,
28:12
Speaker 1: so what's the status? Now, what's your situation? First of all,
28:15
Speaker 1: Brandon has a lot of expertise in this area because
28:17
Speaker 1: his mom is a hot mess, so he's probably gonna
28:21
Speaker 1: take the leader or not. You're not alone. And first
28:23
Speaker 1: of all, you look so beautiful. Ye just thinks I
28:26
Speaker 1: tried really hard. Oh well, you look really adorable. Thanks. Yeah,
28:30
Speaker 1: I actually joined a couple of groups on Facebook that
28:32
Speaker 1: are like daughters of Narcissistic Moms and like, you scroll
28:35
Speaker 1: through the stories and every single one is exactly the same.
28:38
Speaker 1: And that kind of made me feel better because I
28:40
Speaker 1: felt really isolated in my experience because I know so
28:43
Speaker 1: many people with great relationships with their moms. But um,
28:47
Speaker 1: the status now. Actually, after I wrote you that thing,
28:50
Speaker 1: I don't know why. Just for the next three days,
28:53
Speaker 1: I it was really contemplating whether I should or not,
28:56
Speaker 1: and then I just said fuck it. I did it
28:57
Speaker 1: one morning and she was surprised at first, like me
29:00
Speaker 1: and say hi without crying. I just felt like such
29:02
Speaker 1: a little bit, but yeah, I just said, can we
29:07
Speaker 1: just move forward and be nice to each other? And like,
29:09
Speaker 1: funk the past? Who cares? I don't care because she's
29:12
Speaker 1: she's hung up on the past, like I can't let
29:15
Speaker 1: it go. And she was like, I don't know, I'm
29:19
Speaker 1: pretty happy now and I don't really want you to
29:21
Speaker 1: ruin that. So like she my dad passed away in
29:26
Speaker 1: and she's with a new man now, so and so
29:29
Speaker 1: I'm assuming that was a no go on the counseling.
29:32
Speaker 1: Oh no, she she's like fully against it, which is
29:35
Speaker 1: hilarious because she's used to tell me when I was
29:38
Speaker 1: younger that only truly crazy people won't go to counseling.
29:43
Speaker 1: Most people who are in counseling are in it for
29:45
Speaker 1: people who won't go. Well, I mean that's a very
29:50
Speaker 1: I'm dealing with a very similar situation. So again, I
29:52
Speaker 1: feel your pain and I know the struggle. And people
29:55
Speaker 1: who feel like they know more than everyone else, we'll
29:59
Speaker 1: never go counseling because they don't they don't want to
30:01
Speaker 1: do the work that takes really correct to these issues.
30:04
Speaker 1: So it's a battle you can't win. But I do
30:07
Speaker 1: think that there's power and accepting that and accepting what
30:11
Speaker 1: type of relationship you're willing to have with your mom.
30:14
Speaker 1: Like for me, right now, it's no relationship, And so
30:17
Speaker 1: you just have to make the best decision that you
30:19
Speaker 1: know you're operating in a way that you can look
30:21
Speaker 1: back on it in ten, fifteen, twenty years whenever she's
30:25
Speaker 1: gone and know like I operated in my best interests
30:27
Speaker 1: in this way. Yeah, I feel like anything in my life,
30:31
Speaker 1: I even with boyfriends and stuff, as long as I
30:33
Speaker 1: know I really gave it my all. I'm okay to
30:36
Speaker 1: move forward. It's just always going to hurt. I don't know.
30:40
Speaker 1: It's also just impossible to deal with narcissists. Like I
30:42
Speaker 1: have a friend who's going through a divorce, and I
30:44
Speaker 1: have another friend who's just getting out of you know,
30:47
Speaker 1: her divorce is finalized, but same thing. And it's like,
30:50
Speaker 1: you know, they're reading books about dealing with narcissists, and
30:54
Speaker 1: you know about how difficult it is and what kind
30:57
Speaker 1: of number they pull on you, what they you to
31:00
Speaker 1: you mentally, because they they literally have a way of
31:03
Speaker 1: eating away at your self confidence, at your self security,
31:08
Speaker 1: your ability to make a decision. You know, you become
31:10
Speaker 1: indecisive because you're not sure that your decision has value.
31:14
Speaker 1: So it's not talked about as much as you know
31:17
Speaker 1: it probably will be in the next decade or two,
31:20
Speaker 1: because people seem to be really talking about mental health now.
31:23
Speaker 1: But like dealing with a narcissist is, it has a
31:27
Speaker 1: very deleterious impact on all of us. You have to
31:31
Speaker 1: take that into consideration. It's like it's almost like you're
31:33
Speaker 1: injured and you can't identify the injury, so you're acting
31:37
Speaker 1: in the weakness of the injury. Yet you know you're
31:39
Speaker 1: only really choosing to be injured. Yeah, every single person
31:43
Speaker 1: in that group I'm in says they'd rather, they would
31:45
Speaker 1: have rather gotten hit so they could see, like, hey,
31:48
Speaker 1: this person did this to me and people would give
31:51
Speaker 1: them compassion. But my mom is amazing at everyone in
31:55
Speaker 1: my whole life. Your mom is so amazing, she's so nice,
31:57
Speaker 1: she's so this, she's so Then it's like, I don't know,
32:02
Speaker 1: I was going to bring up at Astra. I don't
32:04
Speaker 1: know if you've seen it, probably, but the movie, Yeah,
32:08
Speaker 1: how Brad Pitt. That movie was really therapeutic for me
32:11
Speaker 1: when Brad Pitt like literally went across the fucking solar
32:15
Speaker 1: system to connect with his father and he gets there
32:20
Speaker 1: and the dad's like, nah, I'm good. Yeah, his dad
32:24
Speaker 1: was still an asshole. He's like fun, so he just
32:27
Speaker 1: floats off in this space. It's like, that's why I
32:29
Speaker 1: admire Brandon, like the way you handle your mom so much,
32:31
Speaker 1: because I'm always fascinated by people who insist on a
32:34
Speaker 1: relationship with their parents when they when they've been molested
32:37
Speaker 1: or god forbid, something they're beaten, you know, like something terrible,
32:41
Speaker 1: and they still desire the relationship between the father and
32:45
Speaker 1: the mother. And it's like, I know a girl who
32:47
Speaker 1: is trying to cultivate a relationship with a man who
32:50
Speaker 1: molested her, who is her father, and I cannot understand
32:54
Speaker 1: that it's a conditioning And Carli, I don't know if
32:57
Speaker 1: you'll agree with us, but there's a certain level of
33:01
Speaker 1: gaslighting that goes on with parents and their kids that
33:05
Speaker 1: you are made to believe that this behavior is appropriate
33:08
Speaker 1: or it's a result of your behavior. That they are
33:11
Speaker 1: not in control of what they do, it's because they're
33:13
Speaker 1: reacting to what you're doing. It's all such a mind fuck.
33:17
Speaker 1: The thing I'm pissed about is that, like, now that
33:20
Speaker 1: I'm thirty five, I don't know. It's taken me still
33:23
Speaker 1: now to have just a faint idea of what a
33:26
Speaker 1: healthy relationship is. Like I look back at my boyfriends
33:30
Speaker 1: and it's like I thought the way they were treating
33:32
Speaker 1: me was normal. Meanwhile they were stealing from me, they
33:34
Speaker 1: were emotionally abusing me, gas lighting all this ship. And
33:38
Speaker 1: it's like, yeah, I just I don't know. Do you
33:42
Speaker 1: have a what's your story? Now? You have a daughter?
33:44
Speaker 1: You said, yeah, she just spoke up. Do you want
33:47
Speaker 1: to see her? Sure? I'm alone I'm alone with her,
33:50
Speaker 1: so I kind of multitasking. Can I wait in two seconds? No? No,
33:54
Speaker 1: go ahead and grab her. But don't expect me to
33:55
Speaker 1: get too excited around a baby. I mean, I can
33:58
Speaker 1: you know they're cute for a second. Oh, she's sweet,
34:01
Speaker 1: she's really cute. Yes, but she's very timid, Like you
34:04
Speaker 1: can tell that there's a lot of baggage here, which
34:08
Speaker 1: is unfortunate but seeming. It's one of those things that
34:10
Speaker 1: not a lot of people talk about. Either they're dynamic
34:12
Speaker 1: with their parents. That's Oh and she woke up smiling.
34:21
Speaker 1: This is like an ad for pregnancy or penetration or something. Yeah,
34:27
Speaker 1: I didn't think I could give fregnant and then I did.
34:29
Speaker 1: And I'm really I was like one of those like
34:33
Speaker 1: my whole twenties, right up until my early thirties, not
34:36
Speaker 1: having kids, never having kids, and then it's just yeah,
34:40
Speaker 1: who's the father of the baby. His name is Anthony.
34:43
Speaker 1: Are you guys together or um, we're not exactly together. No.
34:49
Speaker 1: And that's the thing is like, that's what I'm kind
34:52
Speaker 1: of what brought it up is because like I hate
34:54
Speaker 1: that I don't know how to stay in a relationship
34:56
Speaker 1: like I just had such a bad example set for me.
34:58
Speaker 1: So I think once you've got your mother out of
35:01
Speaker 1: your life, which I think we're going to recommend doing,
35:04
Speaker 1: I think you're going to start to value yourself a
35:06
Speaker 1: little bit more without that drama beat of negativity and
35:11
Speaker 1: you should and a you need to break the cycle
35:14
Speaker 1: for your daughter. It's fucking hard work. I've been encounting
35:17
Speaker 1: since I was fifteen, and like, yeah, a lot of
35:20
Speaker 1: people now are like, your daughter is going to reap
35:23
Speaker 1: all the benefits, and I can. I can definitely feel that,
35:26
Speaker 1: but it is hard being the one that has to
35:28
Speaker 1: break it. Yeah, I understand, but you know, as a mother,
35:31
Speaker 1: that is your responsibility to break the cycle. It's not
35:34
Speaker 1: having a daughter would help me understand my mom more,
35:37
Speaker 1: like just going through that and ship and like, I
35:40
Speaker 1: definitely understand way less. Like I think about saying or
35:42
Speaker 1: doing some of the ship that she said, did does
35:45
Speaker 1: and it just seems so ridiculous, so absolutely insured. But
35:49
Speaker 1: I think that's part of it is that you have
35:51
Speaker 1: to be able to remove yourself from that and the
35:53
Speaker 1: decisions that she made because those aren't all inherited traits,
35:57
Speaker 1: Like you're never going to be able to rationalize some
35:59
Speaker 1: of her behavior, you're because it's tied to a mental
36:02
Speaker 1: health issue, something that she had going on that you're
36:04
Speaker 1: never going to be able to understand. But you're doing
36:07
Speaker 1: the hardest part, which is the self assessment now of
36:10
Speaker 1: what you don't want to create, the dynamic with your daughter,
36:13
Speaker 1: the behavioral patterns that you want to break, and the
36:16
Speaker 1: fact that you've been able to identify those things, Like
36:19
Speaker 1: that's the hardest part. Knowing that you want to make
36:21
Speaker 1: a change is what's going to set you forward. Yeah,
36:25
Speaker 1: it's just like I was explaining it to my friend,
36:28
Speaker 1: and it's like having a beast in a cage inside
36:31
Speaker 1: of you at all times, Like I feel that shitty
36:35
Speaker 1: generational animosity or hostility or whatever it is, this pent
36:40
Speaker 1: up ship. But it sounds like you're on top of
36:42
Speaker 1: your game. It sounds like you're you're cranking all of
36:45
Speaker 1: this stuff back and you are kind of like, um,
36:47
Speaker 1: learning that behavior. You know, right, it's hard to it's hard.
36:52
Speaker 1: It's really hard to know whether or not to have
36:54
Speaker 1: in my life. I don't think you should. We're both selling,
36:57
Speaker 1: you know. Let me just say this. My girlfriend from
36:59
Speaker 1: hays Well just extricated her parents from her life. She
37:03
Speaker 1: wrote them a letter. There were assholes for years and
37:05
Speaker 1: years and years lost drama in that family and she's
37:08
Speaker 1: never felt better. Just as an aside in the same
37:13
Speaker 1: the same situation with me is that I cut off
37:16
Speaker 1: all communication and I did it multiple times in my life.
37:19
Speaker 1: The longest time was two and a half years. I'm
37:22
Speaker 1: at like nine months right now. When you have that
37:25
Speaker 1: space from that person who first of all, they're giving
37:28
Speaker 1: that little beasts that you talk about power, So you
37:31
Speaker 1: remove them from that and you have so much more
37:33
Speaker 1: awareness of what's really going on in your life and
37:36
Speaker 1: what power they've had on you, or that you've allowed
37:40
Speaker 1: them to influence in your life. And as soon as
37:43
Speaker 1: you get some time apart, it just puts things into
37:45
Speaker 1: perspective and you realize what you're not going to allow
37:47
Speaker 1: anymore in your dynamic. Also, a narcissist needs the interaction.
37:51
Speaker 1: So that's why I don't tell my sisters what to do.
37:54
Speaker 1: I have three sisters. I let them all make their
37:55
Speaker 1: own decisions. I don't agree with them. Three brothers. What's
37:58
Speaker 1: up with your brothers? Are they talk in your mom
38:01
Speaker 1: um ones? In Australia? The other one no, she like
38:05
Speaker 1: took him to court when he was younger. Yeah, she's brutal.
38:09
Speaker 1: And then um, my other ones in Florida. That's my
38:12
Speaker 1: dad's son. Though my sister and I are biological full siblings.
38:16
Speaker 1: So and does your sister talk to your mom? Well?
38:19
Speaker 1: Then hello, yeah, stop talking to your mom. You need
38:22
Speaker 1: to listen to us and stop talking to your mother. Okay,
38:25
Speaker 1: I mean either do that for like, at least commit
38:27
Speaker 1: to a certain amount of time and report back to us. Seriously,
38:30
Speaker 1: I want you to commit to not talking to your
38:31
Speaker 1: mom and report back. Okay, okay, okay, Carly, do we
38:36
Speaker 1: have a pinky swear? Brandon? Give us a pinky swear?
38:39
Speaker 1: Brendon and I are pinky swearing on your behalf. There
38:41
Speaker 1: you go. Oh that's cute. Keeping families together, that's what
38:45
Speaker 1: we're calling our podcast. Well, not your mom, but anyway,
38:49
Speaker 1: thank you, car please, Okay, poor Carly? What the funk
38:55
Speaker 1: is wrong with everybody? Brandon? I don't know, but you
38:57
Speaker 1: know what she I just can't believe mother's you. I
39:00
Speaker 1: guess it's that's comes from my own narrow viewed life
39:02
Speaker 1: experience because my mom was such a mom, like in
39:05
Speaker 1: you know, sweet in that sense. Well, and anyone who's
39:08
Speaker 1: listening to this, I guess I would hope that that
39:09
Speaker 1: would be a perspective they take, is that not all
39:13
Speaker 1: these relationships and maybe this is not a feel good episode,
39:16
Speaker 1: but everyone has issues in their life. Everyone has a
39:18
Speaker 1: different relationship with their mother. Nothing is appropriate or not appropriate,
39:22
Speaker 1: like with the expectations that we set on these relationships,
39:26
Speaker 1: but they're all different. They are different. But it's just
39:28
Speaker 1: such a bummer to hear about jealous moms or narcissistic moms.
39:33
Speaker 1: It's like, how can you do that if you're having
39:34
Speaker 1: a child. I guess it's very probably prevalent. You know,
39:38
Speaker 1: it's a bunch of narcissists having babies. But this is
39:41
Speaker 1: also interesting that two of the submissions so far have
39:43
Speaker 1: been people who may or may not should not have
39:46
Speaker 1: had kids. Well, you can't say should not. I think
39:50
Speaker 1: there's some people who will be society conditions women that
39:53
Speaker 1: they should have a friend who has kids who shouldn't
39:56
Speaker 1: and you need to know that upfront, like this is
39:58
Speaker 1: probably not for me. But then there's some people but
40:00
Speaker 1: who believe like they are meant to do this and
40:02
Speaker 1: offer that sort of motherly dynamic in the world. And
40:05
Speaker 1: there is a woman who I read about a couple
40:08
Speaker 1: of years ago. Her name is Sarah Cunningham, and she
40:12
Speaker 1: started doing this thing at Pride parades where she had
40:15
Speaker 1: a sign that said free Mom Hugs because people were
40:18
Speaker 1: going and their parents weren't support of them, so she
40:20
Speaker 1: would go and so she would offer that maternal hug
40:23
Speaker 1: to these people who didn't have a parent there to
40:25
Speaker 1: support them. And so she's turned it into an organization
40:27
Speaker 1: called Free Mom Hugs. And one of the quotes says,
40:32
Speaker 1: if you need a mom to attend your same sex
40:34
Speaker 1: wedding because your biological mom won't call me, I'll be
40:37
Speaker 1: your biggest fan. So it's sweet. So so there are
40:39
Speaker 1: some of these women out there who are probably killing
40:42
Speaker 1: it at the mom game. Yeah yeah, right, If they're
40:45
Speaker 1: doing that, that's really sweet. I think we should take
40:48
Speaker 1: a quick break, Okay, sweetheart. I'm just astounded that people
40:57
Speaker 1: mothers are so stupid that they wouldn't go to the
41:00
Speaker 1: gay son's wedding. I mean, honestly, like, what are you
41:03
Speaker 1: raised on? Just like Jesus Christ and oatmeal, I mean,
41:07
Speaker 1: get a fucking clue, a lady, Like, gay people are
41:11
Speaker 1: not going anywhere, I know, but it's some people just
41:15
Speaker 1: I mean Okay, me, for instance, I have a very
41:17
Speaker 1: diverse background. Well really, are you Cuban? What what's the
41:20
Speaker 1: diversity upbringing? And my mom still took issue when I
41:25
Speaker 1: came out. You know, we didn't talk for six months
41:28
Speaker 1: and she had you know, she would you classify your mom?
41:31
Speaker 1: Is your mom gonna listen to this podcast because you're
41:34
Speaker 1: not going to be talking afterwards. This is all stuff
41:36
Speaker 1: I've said to her, by the way, nothing Well now
41:38
Speaker 1: I'm saying it to her, which it might be double
41:41
Speaker 1: the trouble. Would you classify your mother as a narcissist
41:44
Speaker 1: and she is a master manipulator? Okay? Yeah. When I
41:48
Speaker 1: called the police and asked her to be arrested because
41:50
Speaker 1: she was drunk driving, I then wrote a letter to
41:52
Speaker 1: the state's attorney asking him to provide it to the judge,
41:56
Speaker 1: and I requested the harshest possible punishment for her, for
41:59
Speaker 1: her to be a gulag, literally anything that they could
42:02
Speaker 1: do that would force her to reflect like this is
42:05
Speaker 1: this really where I want to be right now? And
42:08
Speaker 1: they read that letter to her and I basically stated
42:11
Speaker 1: all of this stuff so from your son, Brandon. They
42:13
Speaker 1: read it to her in front of people whoever was
42:16
Speaker 1: in the courtroom. Do you know what her reaction to
42:18
Speaker 1: that letter was. I couldn't tell you, but I know,
42:20
Speaker 1: can you? Yeah? I mean want me to find out. Yeah,
42:23
Speaker 1: I read it to use. This is exciting. I like
42:27
Speaker 1: confronting people, especially in this way. Too bad. The police
42:31
Speaker 1: sucks so bad because I would say, well, you were
42:33
Speaker 1: in the court actually, so there were probably very few
42:35
Speaker 1: police officers there. But God, let's not go down that road. Okay.
42:41
Speaker 1: So this is you. I want you to that. This
42:45
Speaker 1: is the letter that you wrote your state attorney, your
42:47
Speaker 1: mother's state attorney general. The state attorney would be prosecuting
42:51
Speaker 1: her case in the county in which she lives. Is
42:53
Speaker 1: the letter I wrote, d U I was the subject. Hello.
42:59
Speaker 1: I hope this email finds you healthy and happy during
43:01
Speaker 1: the holiday season. I'm reaching out in regards to a
43:03
Speaker 1: recent incident involving my mother. My mother has unfortunately had
43:08
Speaker 1: multiple interactions with the law and recent months due to
43:11
Speaker 1: her substant abuse issues and unresolved mental health matters. Most recently,
43:16
Speaker 1: she was arrested while driving under the influence of alcohol
43:18
Speaker 1: and held for a psychiatric review. I'm emailing in hopes
43:22
Speaker 1: that with your help, my mother will receive the harshest
43:24
Speaker 1: possible punishment for her crime. This is a plea I
43:28
Speaker 1: make not out of anger or vengeance, but out of
43:30
Speaker 1: concern for her well being and safety of those around her.
43:33
Speaker 1: My mother is unwell and unstable, and when drinking, a
43:36
Speaker 1: hazard as she habitually drinks and drives, wrecking multiple vehicles
43:39
Speaker 1: after hitting inanimate objects. God, my mother is a beautiful
43:45
Speaker 1: and articulate woman. She is also highly deceptive and manipulative,
43:48
Speaker 1: and until now evaded the law and any punishment. I
43:52
Speaker 1: would like that to change. As a former self DA
43:54
Speaker 1: code and I'm aware of how lenient the law can
43:56
Speaker 1: be for d y charges. My former stepfather has had
43:59
Speaker 1: many with almost repercussions. My mother has long operated as
44:02
Speaker 1: a functioning alcoholic, but at this juncture is failing to
44:05
Speaker 1: function as a civilized member of society and needs help
44:07
Speaker 1: getting back on track. I'm asking for your help and
44:10
Speaker 1: getting this woman's life back in order. My mother was
44:12
Speaker 1: a single woman raising four kids and worked countless jobs
44:15
Speaker 1: simultaneously for many years. Her potential success is limitless, but
44:19
Speaker 1: she needs forced course correction. This is not a person
44:23
Speaker 1: or a case to disregard. This is a case that
44:24
Speaker 1: could create positive change, should it be handled the right way.
44:28
Speaker 1: Nearly six months sober before her most recent incident, she
44:30
Speaker 1: had been part of multiple AA meetings weekly. These meetings
44:34
Speaker 1: held her accountable and should be mandatory after any intoxication arrest.
44:38
Speaker 1: In my humble opinion, I've copied my sister here one
44:41
Speaker 1: of her daughters to collaborate details and assist in anyway.
44:46
Speaker 1: So see it's with intention of like positivity. Yeah, right, right, right,
44:50
Speaker 1: And did you ever get a response from that? No,
44:53
Speaker 1: Apparently what I was told when I called is that
44:55
Speaker 1: he couldn't legally respond because yeah, probably wanted to be
45:00
Speaker 1: like uh huh. But for my understanding, like this does
45:03
Speaker 1: not happen a lot. And I think that with any
45:04
Speaker 1: of these things, like you know how many people we
45:06
Speaker 1: talked to today with mommy issues and so many times
45:09
Speaker 1: people think it's daddy issues, but there's a lot of
45:11
Speaker 1: up ship going home. I would also like to say, yeah,
45:13
Speaker 1: there's some daddy issues too. But as a stepfather, as
45:16
Speaker 1: a recent stepfather, because when I was living in Whistler,
45:18
Speaker 1: I became a stepfather to factive stepfather. My friend Kellie
45:21
Speaker 1: had those two girls and they called me dad and
45:23
Speaker 1: they would come over and slip. Then the weekends at
45:25
Speaker 1: my and I love being a stepdad, like I love
45:28
Speaker 1: taking them to dinner, taking them shopping, playing games with them.
45:31
Speaker 1: They snuggle in my bed. You know, we've watched movies
45:35
Speaker 1: like we we just had like a total vibe going
45:37
Speaker 1: and I feel like, oh, I've never wanted to be
45:39
Speaker 1: a mom, but I could kill it as a divorce dad.
45:43
Speaker 1: You know, come in, you just spread the sunshine, spread
45:46
Speaker 1: the love, and then leave on Monday morning. But skidaddle
45:50
Speaker 1: before things get too dicey. See that to me is
45:52
Speaker 1: more you'd be the perfect ex husband because the stepdad
45:55
Speaker 1: has to do all like no, no, no, I'm sorry,
45:58
Speaker 1: not stepdad's ex spen where you just who has a
46:01
Speaker 1: younger wife and wants to has start a family with her.
46:04
Speaker 1: So I can only come once in a while. You're
46:07
Speaker 1: good for Friday through Sunday, meals Friday through Sunday. Yeah, Friday,
46:12
Speaker 1: Friday night through Sunday. Yep, yep, that's good because as
46:16
Speaker 1: soon as they would leave on Sunday or Monday, like
46:18
Speaker 1: I needed a day to myself to recover. So when
46:21
Speaker 1: I just think about people raising children and having to
46:23
Speaker 1: deal during this pandemic and mothers. I just can't even
46:26
Speaker 1: I can't relate because I can't even imagine. In closing
46:31
Speaker 1: today's episode, Brittan, I would like to say that there
46:33
Speaker 1: seems to be a biological thread. It's almost like a
46:37
Speaker 1: biological mandate, if you will. People are tied to their
46:42
Speaker 1: biological parents and biological children. It's seemingly very hard for
46:46
Speaker 1: people to break the idea that they may not have
46:49
Speaker 1: long term relationships with their parents. But to your point,
46:53
Speaker 1: so many kids need homes and there are so many
46:55
Speaker 1: other more healthy relationships out there, then your parents. If
47:00
Speaker 1: that's not a healthy relationship, find another relationship that is, like,
47:03
Speaker 1: these are not things that yeah, but it's also feels
47:07
Speaker 1: like a structure of society, right that has been imposed
47:11
Speaker 1: upon people to the point of believing that you have
47:15
Speaker 1: to have this almost fealty towards not necessarily brothers and sisters.
47:20
Speaker 1: It's not as strong between brothers and sisters as it
47:22
Speaker 1: is between parents and children. That seems to be a
47:26
Speaker 1: very and while you can you can understand it, it
47:29
Speaker 1: also it is limiting to people. If you get you know,
47:33
Speaker 1: a dud for a mom or a dad, or you know,
47:37
Speaker 1: my dad was he could be a bit of a dud,
47:39
Speaker 1: but all in all, you know it was it was
47:42
Speaker 1: a cute relationship and it provided me with a lot
47:44
Speaker 1: of comedy. But yeah, may God rest his soul or
47:48
Speaker 1: whatever that's saying is God be with him anyway. So
47:52
Speaker 1: that's an interesting takeaway from today's episode is the biological necessity.
47:57
Speaker 1: People are obsessed with biology, whereas you know, the gay
48:02
Speaker 1: people can tell you this any day of the week.
48:03
Speaker 1: You make your own family, so don't be so tied
48:06
Speaker 1: down to the people in your family that suck. Just
48:09
Speaker 1: take a fucking break. That's what I'm doing right now.
48:11
Speaker 1: More people should. Yeah, I I encourage it, especially if
48:14
Speaker 1: it's a break. It's not permanent. So who gives a ship? Okay,
48:18
Speaker 1: I think we're in conclusion of part one of the episode, Brandon,
48:21
Speaker 1: what do you think, Well, there's yeah, there's still more
48:23
Speaker 1: that we need to address, so we're gonna have to
48:24
Speaker 1: do a part two. Okay, we're gonna do a part too,
48:26
Speaker 1: so tune in for a part two. Please, We'll see
48:28
Speaker 1: you on the other side.