Latest / In His Circle / Christian Loneliness: Finding Your People | Ep 26

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Christian Loneliness: Finding Your People | Ep 26 · In His Circle

• 0:00
  Tiffany: Welcome to In His Circle, where women gather to share life stories, discover authentic community, and grow in faith.
• 0:08
  Tiffany: I'm your host, Tiffany Windsor.
• 0:11
  Tiffany: My guest today is Heather Brigstock.
• 0:13
  Tiffany: As you learned in our last episode, Heather and her husband Jeff own Southwater Manor, built as a private residence in the 1860s in Gallatin, Tennessee.
• 0:24
  Tiffany: In Heather's own words, their goal at Southwater Manor is to create a place where community happens, where folks feel valued, hope is shared, and relationships can flourish.
• 0:37
  Tiffany: We'll be hearing a lot from Heather in future episodes because we are recording season two here in the upstairs lounge at the manor.
• 0:47
  Tiffany: There will be a time in the near future where no formal introduction is necessary.
• 0:53
  Tiffany: But for today, I'm welcoming Heather back to In His Circle.
• 0:57
  Tiffany: Hi, Heather.
• 0:59
  Heather: Hi, Tiffany.
• 1:00
  Tiffany: I have a topic that I would like to talk about today because it's really affected me.
• 1:05
  Tiffany: The topic is Christian loneliness.
• 1:08
  Tiffany: I have changed so much because I found my group here at Southwater Manor.
• 1:15
  Tiffany: But I do know that it is a crisis finding your people.
• 1:19
  Tiffany: I just want to ask your advice about that.
• 1:22
  Heather: It's funny that you should talk about that.
• 1:25
  Heather: It's been something that's come up in the last few days multiple times.
• 1:28
  Heather: And a lot of times we think about getting our kids involved in groups and making sure that our kids are well socialized.
• 1:36
  Heather: But we as adults, whether it be from life transition or moving someplace or having something happen inside of our family that we become a little bit more reclusive, we find ourselves being lonely.
• 1:49
  Heather: And it's happened here.
• 1:50
  Heather: So I was thinking about this.
• 1:52
  Heather: We actually had a coffee time last week.
• 1:55
  Heather: And two women I had invited, one I had met at church, and they've lived here for a few years, been going to church for a while, and don't have children in the area, and really struggling finding community, making friends.
• 2:13
  Heather: And even though they're part of a church, they both work from home.
• 2:16
  Heather: And I could see in both of their eyes, normal people, very friendly, nothing wrong with them.
• 2:21
  Heather: So they weren't scaring people away, but just having trouble finding community.
• 2:25
  Heather: And so when we shared phone numbers and I invited her out for coffee, and um another lady, different set of circumstances, had moved here from another city and moved here really under challenging circumstances, didn't really want to leave their home where she had raised her children in this beautiful neighborhood, had the gorgeous house, ended up going through some circumstances that were decidedly unpleasant, and moved here with her husband, ended up moving their three adult children here as well, and four adult children.
• 2:58
  Heather: And having been here for two years, still struggling to find a spot.
• 3:04
  Heather: I'd gone from church to church, church too big, can't fit in, whatever.
• 3:09
  Heather: And so they came in the shop a few weeks ago, and I could hear in her voice.
• 3:14
  Heather: She was just hungry for community.
• 3:16
  Heather: And same thing.
• 3:17
  Heather: Nothing wrong with this woman.
• 3:18
  Heather: Very fun to talk to.
• 3:20
  Heather: Fantastic lady.
• 3:21
  Heather: So we had a coffee and we were sitting down.
• 3:23
  Heather: One of the ladies, interestingly, did not show up, and she had canceled a couple times on coffee.
• 3:27
  Heather: I think that she might be nervous because she's used to this feeling, kind of maybe surrounded by the loneliness.
• 3:33
  Heather: And that's a thing, right?
• 3:34
  Heather: You're used to being lonely, you're kind of sad, and so it's hard to make that first step.
• 3:38
  Heather: And I can be intimidating.
• 3:40
  Heather: I'm sort of over the top, so it's scary.
• 3:42
  Heather: But one of the other ladies came, a couple of other ladies had come in, and so we were sitting there having coffee.
• 3:47
  Heather: I was up and down dealing with customers.
• 3:49
  Heather: But one thing that I heard every time I came back was just how hungry she was for a relationship.
• 3:54
  Heather: I don't think it's a lady female isolated thing.
• 3:57
  Heather: I was just talking to a good friend of mine who moved here from California three years ago.
• 4:01
  Heather: And not every time we talk, but almost every time we talk, he reiterates to me how much he misses his life in California.
• 4:11
  Heather: Now they moved here for good reason, but they raised their kids there.
• 4:15
  Heather: His business grew exponentially there.
• 4:18
  Heather: They have all of their memories there.
• 4:19
  Heather: And so he's having trouble.
• 4:20
  Heather: And he said, you know, our kids are grown, but just finding community.
• 4:26
  Heather: And so I think the loneliness issue is a real thing.
• 4:32
  Heather: And I know that you've talked about it several times.
• 4:35
  Heather: Obviously, as a Christian, we're like, well, the first place you can go to is church.
• 4:38
  Heather: And that's great.
• 4:39
  Heather: Everybody should be going to a church, should be part of a church.
• 4:42
  Heather: I think that's a good thing.
• 4:42
  Heather: However, from coming from somebody who has been part of a church for a long time and doesn't really know anybody in their church, that's not always easy.
• 4:50
  Heather: Our church is huge.
• 4:51
  Heather: We go to a smaller campus now, but for years, we ran up the stairs, came in on two wheels, ran up the stairs three minutes after it started.
• 4:59
  Heather: We were the first ones down the stairs and did not want to talk to anybody because it was terrifying.
• 5:04
  Heather: So, and we're people people.
• 5:06
  Heather: So we're used to talking.
• 5:07
  Heather: And I can imagine what it's like if you're a little bit introverted, how intimidating that would be.
• 5:12
  Heather: And then to think about going to someone else's house, sharing stories with them, exposing yourself.
• 5:18
  Heather: Oh, I can imagine.
• 5:19
  Heather: So the battle is real.
• 5:22
  Heather: The other challenge that we have is that we have a false sense of not loneliness because we're connected on social media sometimes.
• 5:31
  Heather: So because we have friends on Facebook and we're communicating behind a screen, a lot of times we tell ourselves that that's enough.
• 5:39
  Heather: And well, I've got friends, I'm gonna go talk to them online, or we send a message or DM earlier.
• 5:44
  Heather: And so we're okay with that.
• 5:46
  Heather: But we were made for fellowship, undoubtedly.
• 5:50
  Heather: People were made for community.
• 5:51
  Heather: And so one of the reasons, one of the big whys behind South Water Manor is community.
• 5:57
  Heather: It's our number two why.
• 5:59
  Heather: Our number one is that we're missional.
• 6:01
  Heather: We're creating a space where people can come to know the Lord.
• 6:04
  Heather: And but number two is we're community-driven because as much as people are connected online, they're living solitary lives.
• 6:12
  Heather: And we want to create a space where people can come and have a cup of coffee and make friends, perennial friends, we call them, people that are gonna come in every day and do life together.
• 6:25
  Heather: And we're seeing that happen here, but it is, it's intimidating.
• 6:28
  Heather: And so I think I think the struggle is real.
• 6:33
  Heather: Um, when people come into the shop and they're looking for community, I encourage them to come back, to bring a book, to sit in the corner, get a cup of coffee, and just watch.
• 6:41
  Heather: Because a lot of times, and I know for you, Tiffany, you did this, you would be an observer because it's a little bit intimidating.
• 6:46
  Heather: But then the more that you came, you started sharing a little bit of yourself and people would engage with you, and you started building those webs.
• 6:55
  Heather: It's like a spider web.
• 6:56
  Heather: It's like you're building little fine strings that go from one point to the next.
• 7:00
  Heather: But the more that we attach these strings, the more complex it gets and the more layers we get.
• 7:05
  Heather: And pretty soon you have this beautiful web of friendships.
• 7:07
  Heather: Then you look back and you're like, oh my goodness, how did this even happen?
• 7:11
  Heather: And one thing I tell my kids, there's an old Patch the Pirate song, Patch the Pirate.
• 7:16
  Heather: He used to do these tapes and videos for kids when I was little.
• 7:18
  Heather: I grew up with this.
• 7:19
  Heather: But one of his songs it says, Happiness came looking for me when I started giving happiness to others.
• 7:26
  Heather: And I tell my kids a lot of times, we go through life and when we're sad, and I do the same thing.
• 7:31
  Heather: So this is no shame in this game, but we go around and we have our eyes looking down on ourselves.
• 7:36
  Heather: Well, poor me, I don't have any friends.
• 7:37
  Heather: And poor me, right now my air conditioner's broken, or poor me, my foot hurts, or poor me, nobody wants to be my friend.
• 7:43
  Heather: Poor me, my truck's broken.
• 7:44
  Heather: Poor me, poor me, poor me.
• 7:46
  Heather: My dad calls them poor little old me parties.
• 7:47
  Heather: And what happens is the more that we do that, the more our eyes look down on ourselves.
• 7:52
  Heather: And you can feel it.
• 7:54
  Heather: When you look down at yourself, your shoulders go down, your neck goes down, and you start to feel more and more defeated.
• 8:01
  Heather: And the trick to this is literally lifting your chin, number one, up to the Lord.
• 8:05
  Heather: I will lift up my eyes into the hills from once cometh my help.
• 8:08
  Heather: But then happiness came looking for me when I started looking for happiness for others.
• 8:12
  Heather: So I would advise you the first thing you need to do is go find someone to help.
• 8:17
  Heather: Find someone to give of yourself to.
• 8:20
  Heather: And it's amazing what will happen.
• 8:23
  Heather: And then engage in that person.
• 8:24
  Heather: So you may be finding someone that may be less fortunate than you.
• 8:28
  Heather: And it could be kind of a leech situation for a little while, but look for people that you can help.
• 8:33
  Heather: Even if you're going into the grocery store and you're going through and you're gonna say, Well, I'm gonna smile at five people today and I'm gonna speak to two, and I'm gonna tell one person something I like about them.
• 8:43
  Heather: It'll be amazing how you start to build those practices.
• 8:47
  Heather: We have to work our muscle.
• 8:48
  Heather: Our friendliness muscle is just like a faith muscle.
• 8:51
  Heather: Anything else, the more that you work it, you're gonna be a little sore, a little bit scared the first time, but the more that you work it, the stronger it will get.
• 8:58
  Heather: And you'll reap so many benefits.
• 9:00
  Heather: It comes back to you twofold, often more than that.
• 9:03
  Heather: It will make a difference.
• 9:05
  Tiffany: There's so many things that you have just said that are little treasures for me.
• 9:09
  Tiffany: I loved the fact that you talked about perennial friends here.
• 9:13
  Tiffany: And one of the things I did right after I started selling as a vendor here is I volunteered to work in your shop.
• 9:22
  Tiffany: So I was working the cash register.
• 9:24
  Tiffany: And I pushed myself to do that because I knew I wanted to spend more time here.
• 9:29
  Tiffany: And I didn't want you to think I was stalking you.
• 9:32
  Tiffany: But I know we've joked about that from the very beginning because you're so inviting and it's like, come and spend time in it.
• 9:38
  Tiffany: Oh my gosh, she's going to think that I'm stalking her.
• 9:40
  Tiffany: So I did start working in the shop, which then I started seeing repeat faces and started getting to know people's names that I can now call friends.
• 9:50
  Tiffany: And I am not a social person, but I love knowing people.
• 9:56
  Tiffany: I'm not going to invite a whole group over to my home.
• 10:00
  Tiffany: That's just not what I do, but I do like people.
• 10:03
  Tiffany: Also, because I'm so independent, I don't feel lonely.
• 10:06
  Tiffany: I don't mind being by myself.
• 10:08
  Tiffany: So there is something about the quote Christian loneliness.
• 10:12
  Tiffany: I don't feel the loneliness, but I do want some sort of interaction.
• 10:16
  Tiffany: I love talking to people.
• 10:17
  Tiffany: Yes.
• 10:18
  Tiffany: That's why you're here on my podcast.
• 10:20
  Tiffany: I love talking to people and hearing their stories, but I'm not doing it because I'm feeling lonely.
• 10:25
  Tiffany: I'm doing it because I love the connection.
• 10:27
  Tiffany: And so the advice that you're giving of finding someone to help is really good.
• 10:32
  Tiffany: And I wrote five, two, one.
• 10:34
  Tiffany: So it was smiling at five people.
• 10:35
  Tiffany: Yes.
• 10:36
  Tiffany: Two people you're going to speak to.
• 10:38
  Tiffany: Speak to.
• 10:39
  Tiffany: Hello.
• 10:40
  Heather: And number one is find someone that you can say something kind to or something that you like about them.
• 10:46
  Heather: Push their cart back.
• 10:47
  Heather: Hey, let me take your cart back for you.
• 10:48
  Heather: Or can I pick up that kitty litter and put it in your trunk for you that looks awfully heavy?
• 10:52
  Heather: I love the way the blue blouse makes your eyes pop.
• 10:55
  Heather: And that's going to be hard at first, but just giving a piece of yourself, and that's what it is.
• 11:00
  Heather: I agree with you.
• 11:02
  Heather: I think that loneliness is different than independent.
• 11:05
  Heather: Uh, you are an independent, I'm an independent person.
• 11:07
  Heather: Sometimes I crave that downtime because that's when we recharge, honestly.
• 11:11
  Heather: I recharge by myself.
• 11:12
  Heather: And I'm sure you probably do too, because you're giving.
• 11:14
  Heather: When you worked here, you gave so much.
• 11:17
  Heather: And by the way, we would not have made it through Christmas without Jesus.
• 11:20
  Heather: It was a blessing for both of us.
• 11:22
  Heather: But I think that when you are giving a chunk of yourself, it exposes you, right?
• 11:28
  Heather: It produces a sense of vulnerability, which is good.
• 11:32
  Heather: When you think about a string and you pull it real tight, it's during that tension that's when growth happens.
• 11:39
  Heather: That's when you stretch yourself just a little bit more.
• 11:41
  Heather: And what you'll find is that when it goes away, is that a piece of that loneliness has fallen away too.
• 11:47
  Tiffany: Yeah, this has been really good advice.
• 11:49
  Tiffany: And I know we're going to talk about this topic more because I think there's more depth that we want to get into.
• 11:55
  Tiffany: But this is a great place to wrap up for today.
• 11:58
  Tiffany: I love that.
• 11:58
  Tiffany: All right.
• 11:59
  Tiffany: Thanks, Heather.
• 12:00
  Tiffany: Thank you.
• 12:00
  Tiffany: And before we go, I want to leave our listeners with this.
• 12:05
  Tiffany: Maybe today you heard something that encouraged you.
• 12:09
  Tiffany: Maybe you have more questions than answers.
• 12:12
  Tiffany: If you're curious about God, keep leaning in.
• 12:15
  Tiffany: Open a Bible, whisper a simple prayer.
• 12:19
  Tiffany: Ask him to reveal himself to you.
• 12:22
  Tiffany: He knows your heart, and he's always ready to meet you right where you are.
• 12:27
  Tiffany: And if you've been walking with him for years, keep taking that next faithful step because we're all learning to walk faithfully one step at a time.
• 12:36
  Tiffany: I'm Tiffany Windsor.
• 12:38
  Tiffany: Until next time, may you find peace, hope, and a place to belong in his circle.