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From Pain to Power: Reclaim Your Life After Loss · The Diva Details

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Welcome to the Diva Details. Welcome to the Diva Details.
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Where bold, confident women embrace life unapologetically.
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From love and sex to wellness and reinvention. We keep it safe.
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Well, hello. This is Diva Mia. Today, we're going to talk about something maybe
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a little bit sensitive to people. It's about how to handle pain.
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I do believe that as adults, we handle pain in our own way, but nobody really
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teaches you how to handle it and how to cope when life gets really hard and
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nobody's coming to save you.
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They don't tell you that. And this is important, I think, for millennials as
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well, because I think a lot of times they expect their parents to show up and save them.
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I think sometimes they expect their parents to be there every step of the way,
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but eventually nobody's coming to save you.
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And the sooner you learn that and the sooner you can stand on your own feet, the better.
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Here's the truth. You don't need saving. What you do need is to remember who
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you are because you're powerful and you're an amazing person and you can handle
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all kinds of situations.
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Pain is not your punishment. Pain is an invitation to
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to grow into who you should be. I look at pain as power, because when you're
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going through pain, if you can take that pain and get really clear on what you
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want, you can use that pain as energy to propel you through anything in life.
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So today we're going to talk about taking control of your life when you're going
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through really tough times.
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Because in life, really tough times come, and you have to learn how to turn
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that pain into power, because tough times are there.
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I will say some people handle pain in tough times and struggles better than others.
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I really do believe that it's because they've learned how to handle their pain.
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I'm not saying you're not going to get knocked down.
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Even the strongest people get knocked down once in a while. However,
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if you can get back up and use that pain for power, you're going to recover
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quicker and you're going to be able to succeed far beyond your wildest expectations.
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Let's talk about pain.
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If you've through divorce or someone you know that you love dearly has passed away.
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Or you could be going through financial stress, health challenges,
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or all of the above all at the same time.
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Sometimes you just get overwhelmed by life. There's just so much to do.
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Taxes and adulting and doing the bills and handling the children and handling
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the husband or the ex-husband.
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It can get overwhelming because there's a lot of stuff going on.
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But what you need to do is you need to change and refocus your mindset.
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This episode, we're going to show you how to use it instead of letting it destroy you.
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Because sometimes pain can make you feel like you're drowning. It will suffocate you.
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But if you can turn that pain into power, you can grow as a person.
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I think it's so vital and very important that as people, we grow into our pain.
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We grow through our lessons.
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There's sometimes people say, how can you handle? You've been through so much.
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I really think the more pain I have, the stronger I become.
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The more pain I've gone through, the more lessons I've garnered.
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Then when stuff hits me, it doesn't phase me anymore.
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Some stuff, I mean, I can go through financial stress and it doesn't phase me
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anymore because I've been there, done it so many times.
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And I've always come out on top because I just keep moving.
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So let's get something straight. Pain is not the problem. Things that happen
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to you are not the problem.
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Avoiding pain is the problem. You're trying to drink it away.
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You're trying to mask it. You're trying to numb it, distract yourself from it or even run from it.
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That's what happens with financial pain. People get into financial difficulty,
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not overnight. It starts typically slowly and they numb it.
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They distract from it. Over time, they realize, oh, my gosh,
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it's now a mountain instead of a molehill.
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It's gotten so big that you have to handle it.
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You were running from the pain all along. You could have handled it when it was smaller.
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But I think some people, high level individuals, they take their pain and use
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it as a source for feedback and direction. And you need to do it earlier on.
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You can wait until it gets bad.
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I mean, some people in a relationship, they feel pain.
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Their spouse comes to them or their girlfriend and they say,
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I don't like it when you do this. That's a pain notification.
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If you keep doing it, you're going to have a bigger pain in the future.
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You have a choice. Do you fix a problem now or do you delay and delay until
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it gets so big that maybe your spouse leaves or you get a divorce?
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If your finances are in a shambles, well, when did it start?
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Did you lose your job? Did you not apply for new jobs?
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Did you decide not to move forward making that book or selling those homes or
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whatever you needed to do? The pain didn't happen overnight.
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Most of the problems in our society is because people are running from pain.
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They're distracting themselves.
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They're drinking to numb the pain. But remember, your pain is your feedback.
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Your pain is your lesson. Every painful experience, you need to start asking
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yourself, what did I learn from it?
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I think every painful experience is a huge lesson.
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And then, what do I need to change in me, not in other people?
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What do I need to change in me in order to make this not happen again?
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So if you went through a divorce and you're not finding a new partner and you're
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lonely, what do you need to develop in you to be the person that someone would want to date?
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Because I always ask people, would you date you? If the answer is no, then why not?
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Then you can look at yourself objectively and say, well, maybe I need to fix
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my neediness, or maybe I need to lose some weight, or maybe I need to get an
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education or fix my finances.
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If you're not dateable right now, it's because you probably wouldn't even date you.
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Do you need to learn something new from this pain? Who do you need to become
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to grow into the person that someone wants to date?
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Do you love you? If the answer is not yes and a resounding yes,
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then let's figure that out why.
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Or let's figure it out. Because if you don't love you, then you've been letting yourself down.
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This is happening to you is what you think, but it's actually happening for
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you. It's trying to teach you something.
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And this one shift in mindset is going to change your life. Today is a life-changing podcast.
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Because if you change, why is this happening to me? Why did I get divorced?
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Why can't I find somebody?
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Why are my finances? No, stop. What is all of this trying to teach you?
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Maybe you need to be a better steward of your money. Maybe you need to get a second job.
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Maybe you need to work on yourself before you start dating. This is a lot of
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self-reflection. I will say you're going to have to self-reflect quite a bit.
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Your mindset is the lens through which you experience everything.
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Your mindset has to be strong. You have to be powerful in your own mind.
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And controlling your mind is what growth and life is all about.
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Two people can go through the exact same situation. And one person can say,
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I hate it. I'm miserable. It's terrible.
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They become very bitter. They get angry with people. And they are sad.
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And they reflect. And they are always in the poor me zone.
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Another person can become better. That person looks at themselves and says,
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you know what, this happened.
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But what did I learn from this? How can I grow myself to be better so it doesn't happen again?
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How can I protect myself in the future from financial loss or from heartbreak?
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How can I learn from, you know, the fact I didn't get this promotion? How can you be better?
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The difference is only mindset. Life doesn't happen to you.
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It responds to how you treat things, how you behave. It happens, responds to you.
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If you believe that this broke you, you're going to stay broken.
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I mean, I have said in the past that I was broken and it was,
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but I recovered. I rebuilt myself.
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And now I look at it as it didn't break me. It built me. I'm stronger because
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of all the pain I've gone through.
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I'm stronger because of all the life lessons. I don't have fear around challenges.
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I embrace new things. I embrace new challenges because I know I'm going to learn
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from it. I'm going to grow from it. This is what I want for you.
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This is where your success will be born.
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This is how you grow into the person you truly want to be.
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Success, just so you know, guys, it's not money. It's not status. It's not titles.
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It's becoming the best version of you, the best version of yourself who can
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handle anything. I asked my son the other day, I said, if I came to you and
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I said, do you think if I gave you a project, you could handle and handle anything
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I give you? He's like, no.
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I go, okay, well, this is my job as your parent to help you learn to give yourself
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self-love to the point that you know you can handle everything.
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And you do that by little accomplishments.
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Let's talk real life because it really is about self-love, feeling you can handle
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anything, learning that you can handle anything, and just taking on life by
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the horns because you get to shape your life. It's amazing.
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You have control of everything that happens to you. Let's talk about real life.
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When you get divorced, you feel rejected.
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You feel like a failure. I don't know anybody that doesn't. I mean,
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unless you're a complete narcissist, you're going to feel rejected.
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You're going to feel like a failure, especially if maybe the partner cheated on you or whatnot.
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What if instead of feeling like rejection full time, I mean,
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everybody feels it a little bit, but what if you redirect it?
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What if you figure out that there were some things I didn't like either,
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but now I have a clear space for a new relationship that's going to align with
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me, someone that loves me for me, someone that I get to love and I get reciprocal
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love back. This is a new space for you.
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If you were in a relationship and someone cheated on you, they weren't treating you well.
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And I know some people pine for the people that cheated on them for long after
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they get divorced and then they self-reflect a bit in a bad way.
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They're like, oh, I must have been too fat or, oh, I was not kind enough or,
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oh, I didn't provide them enough money.
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No, when people cheat, it's on them. Just realize that.
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But it's, you need to clear that space and clear your head and realize that
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if you can focus on fixing you the way you want to be, the self-love is going
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to be more powerful than any love you had for that partner.
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I know it sounds crazy, but you're the only person you're going to be with for your whole life.
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So you got to learn to love yourself and learn to take your pain and turn it into power.
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There's no deeper pain than the death of a loved one, someone that's not coming
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back. But that pain does something powerful. It wakes you up.
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Some people actually change their whole career around.
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I was reading about Sarah Michelle Gellar where she had a death of someone and
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she completely went in and started focusing on her and her family.
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Because sometimes it wakes you up. It makes you realize time is limited and
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every minute is precious.
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It forces you to live with intention instead of just going through the motions
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and living like a zombie. Because grief is in love with nowhere to go.
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It's love with nowhere to go. You turn your pain into purpose.
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So grief teaches us, too, when someone passes, that we need to take every single
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moment and every single day and make it count.
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Maybe you'll get more focused on work. Maybe you'll get more focused on your relationships.
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But grief is power. If you lose a job, sometimes people lose their job and they
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feel like they lost their entire identity because their job is so rooted in who they are.
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When it gets ripped away, they don't know what to do. But that job was too small
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for who you're becoming. You'll find something better.
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There's so much work out there. There's so many more jobs coming.
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Maybe it's time for you to start create your own job. Maybe you start your own business.
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Some of the most successful people only became successful after they lost everything
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because they took those losses. They took the pain and they turned it into power.
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They lost their family. Somebody died. They lost their job.
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All kinds of things happened. Instead of saying, poor me, they said,
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what can I garner for this? How can I turn this into power?
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And sometimes you're overwhelmed by life. Adulting, a lot of people sometimes
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get squashed just from paying the bills and all the responsibility and pressure they have to endure.
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But don't be overwhelmed because it's too much.
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Start, just keep moving through it. You're not overwhelmed because you're trying
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to control everything at once.
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Think the amount of stuff you have to do. Maybe break your tasks down into five or ten minute tasks.
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Every big chore into five or ten minute tasks.
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And then just start working through it. If you can shrink those tasks down one
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task at a time, one task every ten minutes or one task every hour,
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and just keep stepping towards your big chore of adulting responsibilities, you'll get there.
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That's how we build momentum Again, I was talking to my son about it And I was
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like, do you know why you don't feel like you can accomplish anything? He didn't know I go.
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Well, when I give you something to do, do you do it? He's like,
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no, I usually put it off. I go, when you give yourself something to do, do you accomplish it?
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Accomplish it. He said, sometimes, but not usually.
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I go, well, that's where we gotta start. Because if you can't trust yourself,
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how can anyone else trust you?
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And when you can't trust yourself, you can't love yourself.
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And pain will run right over you. So you start by making a commitment to you.
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Say you wanna lose a pound this week and make it happen, or two pounds.
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Go to the gym. Say you want to go to the gym five days this week.
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Make it happen. Don't back down.
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Don't say, oh, I'm too tired. No, check it off your list.
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Make a list. Write it down. I will say, everybody does things electronically
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now, but I will say writing my task list down on paper, for me,
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the satisfaction of crossing things off,
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And getting stuff done is amazing. I still write everything down on paper.
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You know, I'm very much technical.
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I do enjoy that. So let's get tactical. You don't think you're way out of pain.
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You move through it. I know a lot of people think that they can just override
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pain, but pain has to be handled and you have to move forward.
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You have to move forward through it. One of the things you can do is breath work.
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Your breath controls your nervous system. Breath work is so powerful.
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And when you inhale, so we're going to do a little exercise,
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inhale for four seconds, but inhale deeply. Then you're going to hold it for
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four seconds, then exhale for six. This will calm anxiety instantly.
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If you're having a day where you're just overwhelmed and your anxiety is through
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the roof, inhale four seconds, hold, and exhale six seconds.
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Do it four or five times in a row, and you'll be amazed at how your anxiety goes away.
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Another thing you can do is yoga and stretching. Our bodies and our mind are linked, guys.
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So when you calm your body, your mind will calm down too. Yoga and stretching
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releases store trauma in the body.
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And a lot of stuff your body holds and your mind avoids it.
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When you stretch and you do yoga, it's soothing to your nervous system.
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It's soothing to your mind.
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One of the best things I found is walking in nature. I think nature is therapy.
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It's really underrated. It's like mental therapy.
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It clears your mind. It can help you get clarity. It can help regulate your
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emotions, your nervous system, calm you down, and it grounds your energy.
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If you have the ability to go out and it's warm enough and you can go walk in
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a forested area, it's a beautiful thing.
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Walk around water, walk around a river because it will just soothe you overall.
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And exercise helps as well. Weightlifting, sometimes if you're really angry,
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weightlifting, I will say, helps you get some of that anger out because pain
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plus movement equals transformation in our lives, guys.
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We have to move. We have to get that pain out of us.
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You literally converting emotional pain into physical strength when you lift
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weights. Some people don't like to lift weights, they like to go for a run.
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Whenever they need to clear the head. It's powerful. Our exercise is powerful.
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Now, the next thing is, is when life feels heavy. Don't try to redo your whole life at once.
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Just win the next 10 minutes. Win the next 10 minutes. Take those next 10 minutes. Make your bed.
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Send that email that needs to get done. Drink some water. Stack your wins will
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help you build confidence and regain control.
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It will help you trust yourself again.
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It will help you get to the point where you love yourself again.
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And that's the goal, to trust yourself and to love yourself.
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Because once you trust yourself again and love yourself, then you will have
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self-confidence. You'll feel worthy and trusting.
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Once you get to this point, then you can grow your life.
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I think a lot of people try to skip over this hurdle. They're like,
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okay, here I am. I went through pain. I'm done. Check it off the list.
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Now I'm ready to get back out there and date. I got divorced and now I'm ready
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to find the perfect person.
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That's not how it works. What you need to do is you're like,
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you get through your divorce, you handle the pain.
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Sometimes you feel like you're in survival. Once you leave survival stage,
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you need to go into stability. Stability is where you're just going through the motions, honestly.
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Stability is where you're getting up every day, you're getting dressed,
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you're going to the gym, you're working out, you're walking in nature,
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you're doing your yoga, you're getting to the office on time,
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you're moving through the motions, but you're not really there yet.
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And then you get to this level, and then you can figure out what you really
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want to get to your success level, because success is next.
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Success is huge, because once you get to success, you realize that you are thriving
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far beyond what you thought was possible.
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But you can't get there until you have basic self-worth and self-trust.
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We do that by committing that we will get things done and doing it,
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and doing it when we say we're going to do it.
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If you tell somebody you're going to show up and you show up late every time,
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they're not going to trust you.
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If you tell somebody you're going to do something and it never gets done,
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they're not going to trust you.
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If you tell yourself you're going to do something and you don't do it,
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you're not trusting yourself.
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This is where most people, they were never taught correctly.
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A lot of parents, they didn't teach us that self-worth is built.
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I can't give my kids self-worth. You can't give your kids self-worth.
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They have to build it. and you have to build it by challenges and problems and
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things that are gonna cause them pain. You can't do it for them.
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You don't get confidence by telling a kid how great they are.
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Oh, you're so great, you're amazing, you're so smart.
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That's not how you gain confidence. They gain confidence by accomplishing things,
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which means they have to overcome challenges.
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They have to do things. They have to change in ways and learn things they never learned before.
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You can't wait till you feel ready for it. You just have to dive in and rip
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the band-aid off and go for it.
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You build confidence by doing what you said you were going to do over and over
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and over again. It's repetitive.
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That's how you gain self-love. That's how you get to the point where if somebody
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comes to you and says, can you get this done?
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You can say i'm going to get it done and you
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say i can accomplish anything do you respect yourself enough
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to take on a new challenge respect comes
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from accomplishing previous challenges do you trust yourself do you follow through
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when you say you're going to do something when you commit to your friends to
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show up on time do you when you commit yourself to show up at the gym on time
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do you it's the little things guys it's not these big accomplishments that are
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where people succeed It's the daily little tasks.
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Every time you say you're going to do something and you don't,
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you break your own trust. Self-love is self-trust in action.
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That's what self-love is. The most accomplished people commit to themselves
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and they accomplish it because they said they were going to do it.
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This is the ultimate truth.
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You don't rise to the goals. You rise to your identity.
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If you identify as someone that's always on time, someone that always accomplishes
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what they say they're going to do, someone that gets stuff done,
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someone that has no fear, someone that knows that any challenge that gets thrown
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at them, they can accomplish.
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That's an identity. Or you can have identity as, I never get anything done. I'm so sad. I'm a loser.
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That's not a good strong identity. You won't hit your goals.
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So let's set strong goals, but let's make little ones that are accomplishable
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so we can help grow our identity.
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You're not a victim. You're only stuck because you think.
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You can accomplish anything you want. You just got to put your mind to it.
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A survivor is somebody that just copes with day to day.
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They seem kind of stuck. So a victim is stuck in their misery.
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A survivor is just coping, getting through the motions, kind of zombie-like.
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They're still moving forward, but they're just coping.
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They're in stability mode. A victim is in survival mode all the time.
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And a creator is someone that's moving towards success because you're taking control of your life.
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Create your life. Grow into who you want to be.
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Be the person that you've always decided that you wanted to be.
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And decide, who am I going to become because of this? Not, why did this happen
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to me? Who can I grow into because these bad things happened?
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Never ask yourself, why did this happen to me? Because that gets you stuck.
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I think questions that we ask ourselves are some of the most important things.
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One of the things you can say is, I know this happened, but who can this shape me into being?
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I got divorced, but who can I become now? I lost my job, but what can I grow
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into now? What do I really want to do?
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Can I become extremely successful doing something else?
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Or do I want to stick in the same field and just find a job I love even more?
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You have to realize that you are the master of your universe.
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You can change and shape it the way you want, but you have to feel it.
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You have to identify with your strong self-love.
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You have to love yourself more than the pain and the negative energy that's around you.
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And once you get there, you realize you can accomplish anything.
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It may not happen perfectly on your timetable, but keep moving forward.
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Get as close as you can. Sometimes it'll happen faster. Your pain is not here to destroy you.
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It's here to introduce you to the power that you have within that is so amazing
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and so strong. And I know it and I feel it.
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And I need you to start loving yourself because everything you've gone through,
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your heartbreak, your setbacks, even the failures you've had,
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it's building you into the strongest person of you.
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Someone that's wiser, someone more aligned with who you want to be,
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but only if you choose it to be.
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So today, let's make a decision. I want you to spend some time getting clarity.
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Go for a walk and get some clarity.
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And then when you get back, don't waste your pain.
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Write down who you want to be. Use it and grow from it and determine where you're going to be.
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I want you to initially, if you're in major pain and depression and anxiety,
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I want you to write some basic goals to get through this week. Just some weak goals.
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This week, you're going to accomplish one, two, three. And they don't have to
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be huge. Just goals to make you feel successful for the week.
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And write them down and cross them off when they're done. And next week,
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make a little bit bigger goals.
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Maybe this week is just to get out of bed and get to the gym once.
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Next week, maybe you'll do it twice. Whatever you think you can do,
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but start making commitments and making it happen.
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Because anything is possible, but only when you believe it is.
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And only when you identify that it can be accomplished.
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And you do that by making small goals and taking action and making them happen.
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Back everything up with an action plan. Because your pain is not your punishment.
22:39
It's your invitation to grow.
22:41
And your self-love will grow over time. and you'll trust yourself more.
22:45
You can fix your life just by doing 10-minute tasks here and there and accomplishing them.
22:50
I hope this helped because to me, I think this is powerful. I think it's something
22:54
that people need to grow into and learn from.
22:56
I think you can do anything you put your mind to. I think you can grow into
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exactly what you want and I think you can be the person that you love and always
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wanted to be. This is Diva Mia.
23:05
I hope you have a wonderful week and it's extremely successful. Signing off, take care.
23:11
Thanks for tuning in like subscribe and drop a comment we'd love hearing from
23:17
you visit thedivadetails.com to connect see you next week for more.
23:27
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