Latest / Do Hard Things™ with Siegfried Tiegs / The Hardest Thing Is to Live in Regret: Gratitude for High Performers | TJ Sweet

Transcript

The Hardest Thing Is to Live in Regret: Gratitude for High Performers | TJ Sweet · Do Hard Things™ with Siegfried Tiegs

• 0:43
  SPEAKER_01: You can hit every goal, you can crush every number, you can build the business, and you can still feel like something's missing.
• 0:49
  SPEAKER_01: And most driven people skip a very critical step.
• 0:53
  SPEAKER_01: They never slow down long enough to notice what's already good in their life.
• 0:58
  SPEAKER_01: And so today we're going to really focus in on talking about gratitude.
• 1:01
  SPEAKER_01: Yep, gratitude.
• 1:02
  SPEAKER_01: On a podcast about doing hard things, we're going to talk about gratitude.
• 1:06
  SPEAKER_01: And for many high performers, to include myself, like slowing down can be like one of the hardest things that you do, but it's necessary if you want to find peace in your life.
• 1:15
  SPEAKER_01: So if you're always chasing the next thing and feeling frustrated, this is the episode for you.
• 1:20
  SPEAKER_01: So my guest today is TJ Sweet.
• 1:22
  SPEAKER_01: He's a human connection keynote speaker.
• 1:24
  SPEAKER_01: He's an author.
• 1:25
  SPEAKER_01: He hosts the podcast, Living the Sweet Life.
• 1:28
  SPEAKER_01: And for more than 20 years, he's led teams, coached leaders, and he helps leaders build cultures people never want to leave.
• 1:37
  SPEAKER_01: On a personal note, I'm thankful for TJ because he's helped inspire me recently, facing courage, facing my own fear, and getting into the speaker network.
• 1:46
  SPEAKER_01: And I just want to, you know, TJ, just thank you for your mentorship and helping me.
• 1:50
  SPEAKER_01: And uh welcome to the show.
• 1:52
  SPEAKER_01: I'm really excited to have you here today.
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, thank you, Sig.
• 1:55
  SPEAKER_00: You know, in the perfect timing of life, we met in a place we didn't intend on meeting in, but now I'm grateful that I get to have you in my life and connect in in more ways and in different ways.
• 2:04
  SPEAKER_00: But obviously, person-to-person is also uh, you know, something I really appreciate about when whenever we connect, it's not just business, it's about how are we actually doing as as people, and and then obviously it pours into the business.
• 2:15
  SPEAKER_00: But my connection with you is has been great ever since uh moment one when you were sitting in the sunshine and talking about everything you're doing and and doing hard things and how you want to help other people work through their own hard things uh with courage, the way that you do is inspiring me.
• 2:29
  SPEAKER_00: So thank you for letting me be here.
• 2:30
  SPEAKER_01: Well, no, I appreciate it.
• 2:31
  SPEAKER_01: I we need people in our lives that will be supportive to hear you out, offer advice with givers.
• 2:37
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, you're you're a you're a giver, and I I love having givers in in my life, and in doing so, you know, it's one of those where one plus one equals three, four, five, you know, because we can support one another.
• 2:48
  SPEAKER_01: So I appreciate the work that you do and the message that you're spreading spreading, because I think in this day and age we need to hear more of this.
• 2:55
  SPEAKER_01: So I like to kick it off with uh with this question.
• 2:59
  SPEAKER_01: You say that you learned what matters the hard way.
• 3:03
  SPEAKER_01: What happened?
• 3:04
  SPEAKER_01: How did you get connected to what matters most?
• 3:08
  SPEAKER_00: Wow, yeah.
• 3:09
  SPEAKER_00: So that is, as we know, we will continue to learn the lesson until we actually learn the lesson.
• 3:16
  SPEAKER_00: And I think if we look back on our lives, we kind of think, oh, I've seen signs that I should have paid more attention to.
• 3:22
  SPEAKER_00: And that one probably could have taught me the lesson, but I wasn't ready to learn it yet.
• 3:26
  SPEAKER_00: But and my my story, truthfully, is is rooted in gratitude.
• 3:31
  SPEAKER_00: It's rooted in in purpose and just kind of slowing down.
• 3:34
  SPEAKER_00: So I don't know if there's any, I'm gonna share this story that I don't normally talk about a ton, but I'll talk about it here today.
• 3:41
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know if there's any dog people that are listening.
• 3:44
  SPEAKER_00: I think there's a lot of dog people out in the world.
• 3:46
  SPEAKER_01: I I'm a I'm a new dog person.
• 3:48
  SPEAKER_01: I I um I've got my little uh little Dolly.
• 3:53
  SPEAKER_01: She's being my my little buddy.
• 3:54
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, yeah.
• 3:55
  SPEAKER_01: And and like you, because I know a little bit about a story that I I wasn't always a dog person.
• 4:00
  SPEAKER_00: So yeah, yeah.
• 4:02
  SPEAKER_00: So it I will say, because your question was perfect about how did I how did I learn that lesson?
• 4:09
  SPEAKER_00: Luckily, I got to learn that lesson and before it was too late.
• 4:14
  SPEAKER_00: So I in my 20s, I was always kind of an achiever.
• 4:18
  SPEAKER_00: I always was pursuing the next thing.
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_00: I was I can work 6 a.m.
• 4:22
  SPEAKER_00: to 10 p.m.
• 4:22
  SPEAKER_00: every single day.
• 4:23
  SPEAKER_00: I had goals on my mind, I had achieving on my mind, but I also had a dog at home and I had a family in St.
• 4:29
  SPEAKER_00: Louis.
• 4:30
  SPEAKER_00: And my my family would, you know, invite me to barbecues and birthday parties and to come do things with them, and I would find other things to do, and not because I didn't love them, because I was just so busy working on my goals.
• 4:43
  SPEAKER_00: I would stay at home and I'd work on my golf game because I was pursuing golf at the time.
• 4:47
  SPEAKER_00: So I felt like if I took a day off, I was letting the competition get ahead of me.
• 4:51
  SPEAKER_00: So all I was focusing on was achieving and succeeding and working hard and the grind that we all hear is the only way to accomplishing what we want.
• 5:02
  SPEAKER_00: But I also had a dog at home.
• 5:04
  SPEAKER_00: Her name was Bertie.
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_00: And one of the examples I'll share with you about me not paying attention is I had one grandma that was in a she was actually at home, but my mom called and said you should come see her before because she's not doing well.
• 5:21
  SPEAKER_00: And I said, I can't.
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_00: I'm busy, I have a tea time, as in playing golf.
• 5:27
  SPEAKER_00: I made some a commitment to some of my friends that I was gonna play golf with them that day.
• 5:32
  SPEAKER_00: But she passed that week and I didn't go home.
• 5:38
  SPEAKER_00: And that struck me, but it didn't impact me.
• 5:43
  SPEAKER_00: That's how kind of narrow-minded I had become at that point.
• 5:47
  SPEAKER_00: I thought, like, man, that's like I was devastated, I was really close with her, I was sad, but it didn't actually touch my heart, it just touched my logical brain of like, okay, like that I missed out on something there.
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_00: So then fast forward to I have this dog, her name's Bertie, she's nine years old.
• 6:02
  SPEAKER_00: Um, she was everything to me.
• 6:03
  SPEAKER_00: She was my best friend.
• 6:04
  SPEAKER_00: She was, I moved into the house and bought and got Bertie the same day.
• 6:09
  SPEAKER_00: But I also treated her like an obligation.
• 6:11
  SPEAKER_00: I had to take her for a walk.
• 6:13
  SPEAKER_00: I had to stop doing what I wanted to be doing because I had to go home and take care of her.
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_00: But if anybody has a dog, you know dogs are the best example of love in the world.
• 6:23
  SPEAKER_00: Always.
• 6:24
  SPEAKER_00: Like, what if we greeted each other the way that dogs greet us every time we re-enter the room, regardless of how long we've been out of the room.
• 6:35
  SPEAKER_00: Bertie was that kind of dog.
• 6:37
  SPEAKER_00: No matter what I was doing, no matter how when the last time I pet her, no matter when the last time we went for a walk, she was there for me.
• 6:45
  SPEAKER_00: But I treated her like an obligation her whole life until this moment.
• 6:51
  SPEAKER_00: Bertie was about nine years old.
• 6:53
  SPEAKER_00: It was in the fall, and she started to not eat.
• 6:57
  SPEAKER_00: And she didn't eat for two days.
• 6:58
  SPEAKER_00: I took her to the vet, and the vet, I was nervous about what was going on.
• 7:03
  SPEAKER_00: Because dogs, especially wines, if they don't eat for two days, you're on very borrowed time, short time.
• 7:08
  SPEAKER_00: So I take her to the vet, we go, we don't really know what's going on, but we don't have time.
• 7:11
  SPEAKER_00: So we're going to give her a steroid shot just to see if we can at least give you one more day.
• 7:15
  SPEAKER_00: But what happened, and this is the lesson I'm getting at, so whenever I was driving home, the only thing I had on my heart was shame and regret for how I had treated her her entire life.
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_00: She's just sitting in the backseat, I mean, so thin, but still looking at me, excited to see me and wanting me to pet her.
• 7:35
  SPEAKER_00: And I knew something was wrong.
• 7:37
  SPEAKER_00: I was devastated.
• 7:39
  SPEAKER_00: I was crying, just hoping for one more day.
• 7:42
  SPEAKER_00: Hoping for one more day.
• 7:43
  SPEAKER_00: I fell asleep crying that night.
• 7:46
  SPEAKER_00: And Bertie was out asleep on the couch.
• 7:49
  SPEAKER_00: I was asleep in my bed.
• 7:51
  SPEAKER_00: And then at four in the morning, I'm a morning guy, but at four in the morning, Bertie came dancing, you know, kind of very high energy at my feet, at the bed.
• 8:01
  SPEAKER_00: And so I wake up and I look, and she hadn't acted like this in a while.
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_00: So literally like a caterpillar to butterfly.
• 8:09
  SPEAKER_00: My whole perspective on life had changed when I poured food in that bowl and I gave her the food and she ate it.
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_00: I poured another food, another bowl, a cup of food in her bowl, and she ate it.
• 8:20
  SPEAKER_00: And in that moment, I'll never forget it.
• 8:22
  SPEAKER_00: Luckily, I was aware enough to take a picture, but I thought I'm never going to take her for granted.
• 8:27
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know how many days I'm going to get with her, but I know how I'm going to spend the days that I do have with her.
• 8:33
  SPEAKER_00: So she got all the dog walks, she got all the dog treats.
• 8:37
  SPEAKER_00: I threw a birthday party in March.
• 8:39
  SPEAKER_00: We did everything.
• 8:40
  SPEAKER_00: She got human food.
• 8:41
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, it was, I treated her like the queen, like she like she should have been, like she treated me her whole my whole life.
• 8:47
  SPEAKER_00: And then so fast forward into March 19, I throw a doggy birthday party for her, just me and her at the dog park.
• 8:54
  SPEAKER_00: I get a cake that says happy birthday, Bertie.
• 8:56
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, I'm doing everything, right?
• 8:57
  SPEAKER_00: Going all in on celebrating her.
• 8:59
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't know that it was going to be her last.
• 9:07
  SPEAKER_00: That's not why I celebrated it that way.
• 9:09
  SPEAKER_00: I celebrated it because I I knew it was one of them that I was going to get to have with her.
• 9:13
  SPEAKER_00: She was 10.
• 9:15
  SPEAKER_00: Wimes lived to be 15.
• 9:16
  SPEAKER_00: I wasn't thinking this may be my last one.
• 9:18
  SPEAKER_00: So that's not why I went all out.
• 9:21
  SPEAKER_00: So March 19th, we throw the party.
• 9:23
  SPEAKER_00: April 2nd, she gets a bump on her head.
• 9:27
  SPEAKER_00: April 12th, I take her to the vet school.
• 9:30
  SPEAKER_00: We do all sorts of different things there in Columbia.
• 9:32
  SPEAKER_00: So April 12th, it I see her on the little puppy cam up from work, and I see that she has this like kind of this eye closed, and it's starting to like really affect her.
• 9:40
  SPEAKER_00: And she's trying to sleep, but she can't sleep.
• 9:42
  SPEAKER_00: She's really uncomfortable.
• 9:44
  SPEAKER_00: And so I had to love her enough to say, like, I gotta take you to the vet.
• 9:47
  SPEAKER_00: So I called my vet, and we I take her into the vet, and we're sitting on the cold vet floor, and she's looking at me, and my vet's is examining her, and she this is the moment.
• 9:58
  SPEAKER_00: She puts her head in in my hand, and it was the heaviest head that I've ever felt.
• 10:02
  SPEAKER_00: And we did that all the time, but this one felt different, and she just looked at me with a look in her eye, and she said, It okay, it's okay, it's time.
• 10:12
  SPEAKER_00: And I looked at my vet, and my vet said, It's time.
• 10:17
  SPEAKER_00: But the thing that I had on my heart in that moment was gratitude for every moment I had with her that last six months, because I got to truly show her how much I loved her and how much I cared for her.
• 10:29
  SPEAKER_00: So I got like a free pass, is the way that I saw it.
• 10:32
  SPEAKER_00: Like I got the gift of awareness and perspective in that moment.
• 10:37
  SPEAKER_00: And so, of course, I I then decided I needed to love her enough to make that choice to free her from the pain that she was going through.
• 10:45
  SPEAKER_00: She ended up having an osteosarcoma in her skull that was eating through her skull in twelve in ten days.
• 10:49
  SPEAKER_00: We went from asymptomatic to symptomatic in ten in ten days.
• 10:53
  SPEAKER_00: And so obviously, I had to lay Bertie to rest.
• 10:57
  SPEAKER_00: And as I was, you know, I got her collar, I left her at the vet for the first time, and I got back in the car.
• 11:07
  SPEAKER_00: That was the first time I'd been in that car, been in that house without her.
• 11:12
  SPEAKER_00: So as I'm driving in that car, the window's still down the way she loved it.
• 11:17
  SPEAKER_00: It was hard for me to roll it up.
• 11:21
  SPEAKER_00: And then whenever I got home and I came through the laundry room and I came through the kitchen, her food bowl was there.
• 11:28
  SPEAKER_00: Her toys were there.
• 11:31
  SPEAKER_00: But she wasn't.
• 11:33
  SPEAKER_00: And I would have given anything for another mess that she made, another in-and-out trip to the backyard to go on a walk.
• 11:40
  SPEAKER_00: I would have given anything because that sound of silence in the house was deafening.
• 11:44
  SPEAKER_00: It was deafening, it was the loudest noise I've ever heard.
• 11:46
  SPEAKER_00: But I knew in that moment the full transition of the transformation in my life of, I don't know how many people I'm gonna get to have in my life, but I know I'm never gonna treat anyone like an obligation ever again.
• 12:01
  SPEAKER_00: And then fast forward a month after that, my dad calls and says, TJ, my mom, his mom, my grandma is in the nursing home and she isn't doing well.
• 12:10
  SPEAKER_00: And I said, I'll be right there.
• 12:13
  SPEAKER_00: I got in the car, drove to St.
• 12:14
  SPEAKER_00: Louis.
• 12:15
  SPEAKER_00: First time in two weeks, she had really kind of even acknowledged anybody.
• 12:18
  SPEAKER_00: She looked at me and smiled and said, I love you, and I'm so glad you're here.
• 12:21
  SPEAKER_00: And then she whispered in my ear, get me out of here.
• 12:25
  SPEAKER_00: And I hugged her and I said, You have to stay, they're taking care of you.
• 12:28
  SPEAKER_00: And she said, I love you, and I said, I love you too.
• 12:31
  SPEAKER_00: And she died later that we're the lesson that I learned on the front end of that that Bertie taught me.
• 12:39
  SPEAKER_00: And then now I live my life every single day in gratitude for Bertie because I almost learned that lesson in a in the most heartbreaking way.
• 12:51
  SPEAKER_00: Because I never would have forgiven myself for treating her the way that I did.
• 12:53
  SPEAKER_00: But luckily, I got that free pass to change the way that I treated her, which then, like I said earlier, Caterpillar to Butterfly, transformed the way that I see the world and to see everyone inside of it.
• 13:05
  SPEAKER_00: Because every single day, truly, is that moment of how do I want them to feel how much they've impacted my life?
• 13:13
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 13:15
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 13:16
  SPEAKER_02: Wow.
• 13:18
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I uh I mean I'm just thinking about it.
• 13:24
  SPEAKER_01: Made me think about having pets over the years and how I have treated many of them as obligations.
• 13:31
  SPEAKER_01: But we had a pet earlier this year, Joey, whom I had to take to the vet for the uh the last time.
• 13:38
  SPEAKER_01: And and I really, I really like that cat.
• 13:43
  SPEAKER_01: I didn't always I I always treated the pets kind of an obligation, but I kind I like I like Joey.
• 13:50
  SPEAKER_01: And that taking him to the vet for the last time really softened me in a way that opened up my heart to the other pets that we have had, and realizing, especially like I've got uh we've got Dolly, who's a little she's a golden doodle, and she's just over a year old, and I am her human.
• 14:07
  SPEAKER_01: Like she loves everyone in the house, but she favors me.
• 14:11
  SPEAKER_01: And I didn't always like initially, even when we got the the puppy, like I was like, okay, it's another animal, it's another pet, it's another obligation, right?
• 14:19
  SPEAKER_01: Makes the family happy, you know.
• 14:22
  SPEAKER_01: But every time she sees me, like she especially I can just walk out and take out the trash and I come in and just like she hasn't seen me.
• 14:29
  SPEAKER_01: Like, and it's it's the most beautiful, loving thing.
• 14:33
  SPEAKER_01: I've never, I've I I had to shift my own paradigm with the obligation to like this is genuine like love.
• 14:41
  SPEAKER_01: This dog is like so appreciative of me.
• 14:44
  SPEAKER_01: And it's it's definitely softened me.
• 14:46
  SPEAKER_01: I still have a little bit more work to do, but it's definitely softened me significantly in regards to the the relationship that I have with pets and then and then also to to animals and just realizing that you know every moment that we have could be our last, could be our last.
• 15:02
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, I had a little health scare over the weekend, I have kind of like an eye-opening experience, like in the hospital.
• 15:06
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, oh, tomorrow's not promised, and uh for any of us, right?
• 15:11
  SPEAKER_01: And uh to uh to to live in the moment.
• 15:13
  SPEAKER_01: And there's always work obligations, there's always tea times, there's always things that we could be doing.
• 15:19
  SPEAKER_01: But if you get on that head trail of constant production and not slowing down to have gratitude, then I think that's where people I don't know.
• 15:26
  SPEAKER_01: I I I've certainly went that way in in my life where states of frustration for prolonged periods of time because they didn't slow down to have gratitude.
• 15:34
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 15:34
  SPEAKER_00: Well, you know, and the in the last thing I'll say about just the sense of achieving, I don't want to put down achieving.
• 15:40
  SPEAKER_00: I just don't want achieving to be at the sake of the people you love the most.
• 15:44
  SPEAKER_00: And what oftentimes we think we're gonna find on the other side of achievement is fulfillment.
• 15:49
  SPEAKER_00: But fulfillment is actually the this is the best way I can create a visual.
• 15:54
  SPEAKER_00: It doesn't apply to everybody, but you'll get what I'm saying.
• 15:57
  SPEAKER_00: Fulfillment is whenever you are back and out of the driveway and you look at the eyeballs of the people watching you leave to go to work who can't wait for you to be back.
• 16:10
  SPEAKER_00: It's not in the office, it's in those eyes and those smiles and those waves and that one more hug.
• 16:17
  SPEAKER_00: That's actually where the deepest sense of fulfillment that we'll ever find.
• 16:21
  SPEAKER_00: Now, is it money?
• 16:22
  SPEAKER_00: Sure, to experience life with those people.
• 16:25
  SPEAKER_00: Is it a car?
• 16:26
  SPEAKER_00: Is it a house?
• 16:26
  SPEAKER_00: Is it a trip?
• 16:27
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, with them.
• 16:29
  SPEAKER_00: Like with them is always the answer.
• 16:32
  SPEAKER_00: It's never just for me or just so that I have more than my neighbors.
• 16:37
  SPEAKER_00: It's it's all about the people, but we have to choose that intentionally.
• 16:41
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 16:42
  SPEAKER_01: I liked what you said a little bit ago about like looking, you know, how how dogs look at us and maybe having that same level of of love, you know, for all of our family members.
• 16:54
  SPEAKER_01: That I'm gonna be thinking about that every time I see my dogs running up to me.
• 16:57
  SPEAKER_01: And and you're you're right, like as you leave the driveway, like the people that are in your life.
• 17:02
  SPEAKER_01: I love that visual.
• 17:03
  SPEAKER_01: I think that that really that really connects.
• 17:06
  SPEAKER_01: Man, that's awesome.
• 17:07
  SPEAKER_01: So from there, how did you what changed in your life from that experience going forward?
• 17:13
  SPEAKER_01: Did you ever find yourself did you find yourself getting back on the hustle treadmill and you're like, oh no, I gotta get back?
• 17:18
  SPEAKER_01: Like, or did was it have you had was it an instant change?
• 17:22
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, so I mean the the heart transformation definitely had happened at that point in the way that I started to see other people, the way I started to kind of pour into other people.
• 17:31
  SPEAKER_00: But if I'm being fully transparent around like the actual practicing of gratitude, it was the the other version of gratitude that I learned in that moment was kind of a you better while you you better take care of it while you have it, because you don't know how long you're gonna have it, which kind of creates this like scarcity and live like you're dying kind of energy all the time.
• 17:50
  SPEAKER_00: But what really happened for me is I started doing this habit, and that's where the the book came from, but that's where the a habit of writing down through things I'm grateful for, two things I appreciate about myself in an I Am statement.
• 18:00
  SPEAKER_00: Like once I started to do that, and there's a positive quote that I focus on every single day, just different quotes that I hear just to kind of get my mer my brain and my heart active.
• 18:10
  SPEAKER_00: And what ended up happening was the gratitude practice, it's taken multiple shapes and forms over the years.
• 18:17
  SPEAKER_00: But it was just I'm meant to share an encouraging word, one, because I also need it.
• 18:23
  SPEAKER_00: But two, if I can make anyone else feel seen and not alone through anything that they're going through.
• 18:28
  SPEAKER_00: So every hard thing, it may not seem like a hard thing to someone else, or it could be the hardest thing you're experiencing.
• 18:36
  SPEAKER_00: But ultimately, as soon as we recognize that we have somebody else who might also feel the same way, the hard thing becomes a little less hard.
• 18:46
  unknown: Yeah.
• 18:47
  SPEAKER_00: Whether it's two people in a in a kayak or it's a running partner, or it's somebody me sharing a message of, you know, having the courage to still find gratitude in a life that you never thought you'd be living.
• 19:01
  SPEAKER_00: Like I just shared something about that recently, and people have been resonating with that because that is such a powerful place to be of like, you know what, my life hasn't turned out perfectly.
• 19:11
  SPEAKER_00: But man, it's still pretty good.
• 19:14
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 19:15
  SPEAKER_00: So that kind of transformation for me has really been like, how do I give back to people?
• 19:19
  SPEAKER_00: But it's also my own gratitude practice has really changed over the years, too.
• 19:23
  SPEAKER_00: It used to just write down three things I'm grateful for, then I'd kind of move on with my day.
• 19:27
  SPEAKER_00: Now, if I interacted with you, you knew I was present and grateful for you, but it has transformed in in so many different ways to it's now a daily habit.
• 19:36
  SPEAKER_00: And I know we'll talk about gratitude a little bit more, but one thing I want to say, like the maturation and the growth with it, is just being patient as you learn and grow and develop.
• 19:45
  SPEAKER_00: You know, I know a lot of times, you know, somebody may listen to this and say, okay, I'm gonna do a gratitude practice.
• 19:50
  SPEAKER_00: I think I need to do that.
• 19:51
  SPEAKER_00: But they they're in a hurry to become a grateful person instead of being gracious with yourself as you learn the feeling of deep gratitude, not out of shame and regret, but out of love and hope and courage and optimism of the life that you're getting to live.
• 20:06
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I think you pointed out something that as I work with my clients and have a conversation about, you know, incorporating a gratitude practice.
• 20:12
  SPEAKER_01: When I first started a gratitude practice, it was like, oh yeah, I'm gonna write down three things I'm grateful for.
• 20:18
  SPEAKER_01: And then you do that over time, and it like it becomes like the same three things over again, and it becomes like a to-do list kind of a thing.
• 20:24
  SPEAKER_01: And I think you the point is to feel gratitude, like to get in that deep level of gratitude.
• 20:30
  SPEAKER_01: And what I've learned is that when you can take the time to feel gratitude, you can't feel anything else but really good because gratitude feels really, really good.
• 20:41
  SPEAKER_01: But it's the deliberate practice of doing that, not just making a to-do list.
• 20:45
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 20:46
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 20:46
  SPEAKER_00: Well, and I'll tell you, it's everybody's on a journey because I, you know, there I'll never forget the first time I was on stage speaking in 2019.
• 20:52
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, all right, so we're gonna this this one time was in January in 2019 in Columbia.
• 20:57
  SPEAKER_00: And I said, All right, I want you to stop and think about who and what you're grateful for.
• 21:01
  SPEAKER_00: And I provided a sheet of paper and 30 lines on it.
• 21:04
  SPEAKER_00: And there was somebody in the crowd who was like, I got 30 things already.
• 21:07
  SPEAKER_00: And she wrote down, she I saw her form, I could see it from the stage.
• 21:09
  SPEAKER_00: She had already filled it out.
• 21:11
  SPEAKER_00: 30 things, right?
• 21:12
  SPEAKER_00: It would take me a minute to think about 30 things, right?
• 21:17
  SPEAKER_00: But what my challenge for people really is when it comes to doing this gratitude practice is if it feels like a chore, there isn't enough like meaning behind it yet.
• 21:28
  SPEAKER_00: And like the way that we're thinking about the thing, like if I I I'm gonna sit down and write this so that I get something from it is typically going to result in that chore type of feeling, you know.
• 21:38
  SPEAKER_00: But what I what I'll encourage people to do is and this is something I've seen work across uh you know different types of people, but writing down one thing you're grateful for, or right, if you write down a person, there's a natural connection there.
• 21:53
  SPEAKER_00: But even if you write down a thing, even if it's the hat you're wearing or the microphone you're using, right?
• 21:58
  SPEAKER_00: Like go deeper with that.
• 22:00
  SPEAKER_00: But who's connected to the thing?
• 22:03
  SPEAKER_00: Because that hat isn't just a hat.
• 22:07
  SPEAKER_00: That hat has that's a summary of you and your journey and your life and all the things and all the people that have helped you get to where you're going.
• 22:15
  SPEAKER_00: A hat that says Sig isn't just a hat that says SIG, it's a symbol of everything you've done up to this moment.
• 22:24
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 22:25
  SPEAKER_00: Right?
• 22:26
  SPEAKER_00: So, like attach the human and the meaning to the thing.
• 22:29
  SPEAKER_00: And that's when you start to feel different about it when you're saying feel and experience gratitude.
• 22:34
  SPEAKER_00: So write down the one thing you're grateful for, the person you're grateful for, and then write down why.
• 22:40
  SPEAKER_00: So this is kind of level two.
• 22:42
  SPEAKER_00: That I took me 11 years now plus to learn.
• 22:45
  SPEAKER_00: Level two is why?
• 22:46
  SPEAKER_00: Like, why do you why does it matter to you?
• 22:50
  SPEAKER_00: And then the third the third level, and it could be a thing or a person here, is how can you show them gratitude or show it gratitude so that they experience your gratitude for them?
• 23:07
  SPEAKER_00: Because the power is actually when gratitude is shared and received, just like communication isn't just talking, it's also listening.
• 23:16
  SPEAKER_00: And the reason for that, so even if it's a thing, if we actually feel grateful for the thing because we've attached meaning to it, we're better stewards with it.
• 23:25
  SPEAKER_00: We take better care of it, we want it to be around longer.
• 23:28
  SPEAKER_00: It's not as disposable.
• 23:30
  SPEAKER_00: The thing isn't the next thing that's going to end up in the garage sale.
• 23:36
  SPEAKER_00: So thinking about what we're grateful for, why, and how do we show our gratitude for it in a way that the other person or the thing actually receives it?
• 23:47
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I think that final bit, yeah.
• 23:49
  SPEAKER_01: I I've received gifts before.
• 23:52
  SPEAKER_01: And in my own just hurriedness, didn't receive it probably with the same level of gratitude in which it was given.
• 24:01
  SPEAKER_01: Hence why things end up in the yard sale, right?
• 24:04
  SPEAKER_01: And I think that's a really important distinction.
• 24:06
  SPEAKER_01: How can you make that person feel the gift that you're giving them?
• 24:10
  SPEAKER_01: I think that's a really that's powerful.
• 24:12
  SPEAKER_01: That's really powerful.
• 24:13
  unknown: Yeah.
• 24:13
  SPEAKER_01: I think about this hat, like says SIG on it, which was pretty cool.
• 24:17
  SPEAKER_01: But my friend Corey Saylor, she kept saying, I got a hat for you, I got a hat for you.
• 24:22
  SPEAKER_01: And then she came up to support us during the uh uh the MR340, and she gave me this hat.
• 24:29
  SPEAKER_01: And I love it because it, well, one, it's it references Sig's hour.
• 24:33
  SPEAKER_01: So it's you know, a gun that I like and own, and it has my name on it, which is kind of funny, and it just fits so perfectly, and it comes from such a great person.
• 24:41
  SPEAKER_01: And so I love this hat.
• 24:43
  SPEAKER_01: I get a lot of compliments on the hat, and I absolutely, when I wear it, like it is a gift that brings me joy every time I see it because it means so much to me.
• 24:50
  SPEAKER_01: It's not just I got a lot of hats.
• 24:52
  SPEAKER_01: This one means a lot to me because of the sense of gratitude that's connected with it.
• 24:56
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, yeah, and and that's the and it doesn't have to, and that's the sweet spot of I'm glad you just shared that because it doesn't have to mean something to someone else for it to mean something to you.
• 25:07
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, yeah.
• 25:09
  SPEAKER_00: Like that, like my hat, your hat, whatever the thing is, right?
• 25:13
  SPEAKER_00: And I even like I have a I wear a bracelet on my on my right wrist that my nephew, he's 10, he made for me.
• 25:21
  SPEAKER_00: To everyone else, this is some piece of yarn that I don't even why is he even wearing that thing?
• 25:28
  SPEAKER_00: You know, a watch that I normally wear is a watch that my parents gave me when I graduated college.
• 25:36
  SPEAKER_00: So it's not just a watch.
• 25:38
  SPEAKER_00: It's my people.
• 25:40
  SPEAKER_00: Like we as humans love community, but some of my hardest times is when I haven't felt that community when it's been solitude or it felt like I was in a struggle and different things.
• 25:55
  SPEAKER_00: But it's like if you're in your hardest of times, maybe that's the time to look around and find meaning or reach out instead of sending the text, make the phone call, or because it's oftentimes just one conversation with somebody that can like wake us back up and bring us, but it's the community, but sometimes the meaning of things.
• 26:13
  SPEAKER_00: And you stop and think about like, yeah, that's a hat, but it's not a hat.
• 26:19
  SPEAKER_00: It's not the function of the hat that actually means anything to you, it's who it came from.
• 26:24
  SPEAKER_00: And that hat's never going in the garage sale, right?
• 26:27
  SPEAKER_00: It's never gonna be the hat you just throw in the back of the truck because you're like, eh, it's just a hat.
• 26:31
  SPEAKER_00: I'll wear it if it, you know.
• 26:32
  SPEAKER_00: It's it's the people in our lives.
• 26:35
  SPEAKER_00: When we talked about, when you very first asked me learning the lesson about the people that I learned that I love the most, it's it's that.
• 26:43
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm not talking about hoarding things, right?
• 26:47
  SPEAKER_00: What I'm talking about is that dopamine rush that you get by acquiring things.
• 26:52
  SPEAKER_00: The reason why that ends up in the garage sale is because there's no people attached to it.
• 26:57
  SPEAKER_00: Like my parents still have things that I wore when I was a child.
• 27:01
  SPEAKER_00: I'm never gonna wear it again.
• 27:02
  SPEAKER_00: It has no, but it has meaning to them, and then now it has meaning to me because it has meaning to them.
• 27:10
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I love that.
• 27:11
  SPEAKER_01: I love that.
• 27:15
  SPEAKER_01: So, on the topic of gratitude, we've been talking about this for about a half hour now, but gratitude can sound soft to a lot of driven people.
• 27:22
  SPEAKER_01: Why do you think it's a performance tool?
• 27:27
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, so the the I the term soft, I welcome all the time, right?
• 27:32
  SPEAKER_00: I I love when people say emotional intelligence is a soft skill, uh, gratitude's a soft skill.
• 27:39
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna redefine it a little bit.
• 27:41
  SPEAKER_00: There's a there's a beautiful place for gratitude and ambition.
• 27:48
  SPEAKER_00: The problem is when we just have the ambition, we climb to the top of the mountain and we don't feel like we've accomplished really anything because we're looking around and nobody's with us.
• 28:01
  SPEAKER_00: It's like an empty summit.
• 28:03
  SPEAKER_00: You talk about that, Sean Swarner talks about that.
• 28:05
  SPEAKER_00: A lot of people talk about that.
• 28:06
  SPEAKER_00: They get the job, they get the thing, they go after all the thing.
• 28:09
  SPEAKER_00: But here's here's the the human experience of it all.
• 28:13
  SPEAKER_00: If you aren't grateful now, with wherever you are, you won't be grateful then.
• 28:21
  SPEAKER_00: If you're not grateful along the way on the summit, when you get to the top, you're not all of a sudden just going to become a grateful person.
• 28:30
  SPEAKER_00: You're gonna be thinking about the next mountain, or you're gonna get all the way up there.
• 28:33
  SPEAKER_00: And this is my favorite thing because I've hiked the Grand Canyon, I haven't done Kilimanjaro yet.
• 28:38
  SPEAKER_00: But when you get to the top, if you aren't full of that feeling of look at this place, what happens is you get to the top and you go, Well, now what?
• 28:52
  SPEAKER_00: The now what words, that's that's when you talk about performative, that's when you actually never actually feel like you've performed anything worth being proud of.
• 29:04
  SPEAKER_00: But along the way, the people you have, the everything it took, all the training, everything that it takes to get there, when you're at the top and you're actually grateful for it.
• 29:12
  SPEAKER_00: One, you want to help bring other people with you because you want them to experience it.
• 29:17
  SPEAKER_00: But two, you want to then create more experiences because it feels like you're the most human, like you're the like kind of the best peak state of yourself when you're actually grateful for the thing that you've achieved, which makes you want to go achieve more things, not because you're in a state of lack, but because you're in a state of abundance.
• 29:36
  SPEAKER_00: And performing in a state of lack is I hope I don't lose, I hope we don't miss this shot, I hope I don't, my I hope my bike doesn't get a flat tire, I hope somebody else gets a cramp, I whatever the thing is, right?
• 29:49
  SPEAKER_00: But when you're in a state of abundance, you're free because you're good if it happens and you're good if it doesn't.
• 29:57
  SPEAKER_00: Because I think so much times, so many times the people who lack a performance under pressure is because they're thinking about their identity being a hit or their failing as a person if they don't perform at their highest level.
• 30:10
  SPEAKER_00: But the people who succeed the most are grateful for the chance to be there.
• 30:14
  SPEAKER_00: They're grateful for the practice and all the reps that got them there.
• 30:17
  SPEAKER_00: They're grateful for their coaches that got them there.
• 30:19
  SPEAKER_00: They're grateful for being healthy because every single person, every single person who wins any award, whether it's a Super Bowl, whether it's the MR, what is it, MR 340, right?
• 30:31
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 30:32
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 30:32
  SPEAKER_00: So whether it's the Tour de France, whether it's the Kona Iron Man, every single person, first words they say, even an actor, a singer, musician, every single time they get up in front of the mic, the first thing they do is express gratitude.
• 30:48
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know what other performance measure we need.
• 30:51
  SPEAKER_00: No one gets up there for the most part and says, I won because I'm the greatest.
• 30:57
  SPEAKER_00: Every single person says, I couldn't have done this alone.
• 31:02
  SPEAKER_00: Look at all these people that I need to thank.
• 31:04
  SPEAKER_00: And they write a list of names of people on a piece of paper.
• 31:07
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you.
• 31:09
  SPEAKER_00: Like they're at the peak and they're saying thank you.
• 31:12
  SPEAKER_00: So for all the people saying it's soft to say thank you and it's soft to be grateful, I'd actually say it's really hard to think you did it all on your own.
• 31:20
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, I love that.
• 31:21
  SPEAKER_01: Absolutely.
• 31:24
  SPEAKER_01: Yes.
• 31:25
  SPEAKER_01: That yeah, I just I just think about throughout my life.
• 31:32
  SPEAKER_01: Well, I think one thing that you you had said, I because I think cultures when I was in the military, and I and I love the the culture of the military, but it had some challenges, and that was one of the challenges that I got caught up on the treadmill because it was very much you did this, now it's on to the next thing.
• 31:48
  SPEAKER_01: You did this, it's on to the next thing.
• 31:49
  SPEAKER_01: There was no time to really slow down and celebrate the wins.
• 31:53
  SPEAKER_01: And I think that people that can become a learned behavior if you're not careful, because it's something that I got caught up in, and then like, well, we don't have time for gratitude, we gotta get on to the next thing.
• 32:01
  SPEAKER_01: If we don't have time to celebrate the wins, what do you because you mentioned you know, part of the work that you do is is creating a culture, no one wants to leave.
• 32:10
  SPEAKER_01: How how do you how do you get cultures to adopt that gratitude mindset?
• 32:18
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, yeah.
• 32:19
  SPEAKER_00: Well, in this framework, I'll I'll quickly kind of put to bed and put to sleep this idea of toxic positivity is not what we're talking about.
• 32:27
  SPEAKER_00: We're talking about actually seeing your team and your people as people first and employees second.
• 32:37
  SPEAKER_00: They already know they're there for the job.
• 32:39
  SPEAKER_00: They already know that they're coming in to perform a job, their performance matters, they don't want to get fired, they already know that.
• 32:46
  SPEAKER_00: We don't need to see them through that lens as leaders.
• 32:50
  SPEAKER_00: However, that's the starting point.
• 32:53
  SPEAKER_00: Because if if we truly authentically, and I know, you know, uh I'm I don't have any military background, so I can't relate to this, but like the bond that you create with the people you're doing those hard things with, like that's a deep sense of like, I'm glad I'm here with you.
• 33:09
  SPEAKER_00: And so when I talk about building a culture, it's every single person on the team, one, knowing that they matter as a person to the team, knowing that it's psychologically safe for them to have good days and bad days, but we have a plan for those days, but also being deeply united, deeply united in why we show up in the first place.
• 33:34
  SPEAKER_00: And I talk to all the time about flipping the triangle over, like, I'm not at the top of the pyramid and everybody's working for me.
• 33:40
  SPEAKER_00: My goal was flip that thing upside down.
• 33:43
  SPEAKER_00: How do I help them become their best?
• 33:47
  SPEAKER_00: Whatever that means.
• 33:49
  SPEAKER_00: Even if it means leaving and going, going going to be a leader for another team, or maybe it means going after that dream job that they've always wanted.
• 33:55
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe it's opening that business.
• 33:57
  SPEAKER_00: I have conversations with what throughout 20 plus years of leadership, of what actually what goals do you have?
• 34:04
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes people said, I want to be in your seat.
• 34:07
  SPEAKER_00: And I say, Great, how can I help you?
• 34:09
  SPEAKER_00: So then I start pulling them in on meetings.
• 34:11
  SPEAKER_00: I start telling them my thought process.
• 34:13
  SPEAKER_00: But it's really just recognizing the value of the human beings because every single person on your team right now, no matter who is listening, no matter what business you're in, every single person is somebody's somebody.
• 34:27
  SPEAKER_00: It's their most important person in their life.
• 34:30
  SPEAKER_00: And when you start seeing people that way, they start to feel it.
• 34:34
  SPEAKER_00: But here's the key to building the culture is it has to be something that's seen, not just heard.
• 34:41
  SPEAKER_00: Because as humans, we have this distinct ability, this innate ability to recognize behaviors that aren't aligned with the words that we're hearing.
• 34:52
  SPEAKER_00: So when someone says, I'm grateful for you, and then acts in no way, shape, or form grateful, it creates dissonance, right?
• 35:01
  SPEAKER_00: It's an actual term, dissonance.
• 35:03
  SPEAKER_00: But what it does is it creates a lack of trust of intention, trust of character.
• 35:08
  SPEAKER_00: There's no trust there.
• 35:10
  SPEAKER_00: So whenever you, as a leader, you have that opportunity to build a culture, culture means common stand common standard norms and beliefs, right?
• 35:17
  SPEAKER_00: So it means I'm grateful for you.
• 35:19
  SPEAKER_00: We're here doing something meaningful, and I have your back.
• 35:22
  SPEAKER_00: And if we ever are going to have something that we need to talk about, it's a high accountability, but I'm gonna do it because you being here matters, and I want you to be here.
• 35:31
  SPEAKER_00: I want each of you to be here.
• 35:33
  SPEAKER_00: And now there are times too where this is where I get some of the toxic positivity.
• 35:37
  SPEAKER_00: If somebody's not being not acting in a way that they're aligned to our standards, not it's not just saying being grateful, but like how we see each other and how we see who we were serving, I would have an accountability conversation and some people left our teams.
• 35:53
  SPEAKER_00: But what happens is whenever somebody leaves the team that's not of that culture, the tea the culture actually gets stronger.
• 35:59
  SPEAKER_00: Because they're like, oh yeah, that is who we are.
• 36:02
  SPEAKER_00: We aren't the ones who talk about people.
• 36:04
  SPEAKER_00: We aren't the ones who show up late.
• 36:05
  SPEAKER_00: We aren't the ones that cut the corners, we aren't the ones that make up stories and create drama.
• 36:10
  SPEAKER_00: That's not us.
• 36:11
  SPEAKER_00: But that's the biggest key when it comes to a culture, is when people say us, they can recognize that thing.
• 36:17
  SPEAKER_00: And I've been blessed to work with some amazing people that the culture still remains long after I leave.
• 36:24
  SPEAKER_00: It's not there because of me.
• 36:26
  SPEAKER_00: I was there kind of fanning the flame and nurturing it and kind of, you know, coaching, but great leaders don't create followers.
• 36:34
  SPEAKER_00: Great leaders create leaders.
• 36:37
  SPEAKER_00: So the leading of a culture can't just be from me in my office.
• 36:41
  SPEAKER_00: It has to come from how we speak to each other, how we course correct, how we hire, how we discipline, how we celebrate, how we point to purpose.
• 36:50
  SPEAKER_00: But it also has to be how we deeply connect to each other because ultimately, as humans, we all want our work to be meaningful, but we also want to be able to connect meaningfully to the people that we get to do it with.
• 37:03
  SPEAKER_01: No, there's a lot of gold in what you just said.
• 37:06
  SPEAKER_01: Quite a bit there to unpack and and and hold on to.
• 37:09
  SPEAKER_01: But I think, I think, yeah, leaders create other leaders.
• 37:14
  SPEAKER_01: So being a grateful leader, you're going to create other grateful leaders, and that gratitude will become part of the uh part of the culture.
• 37:22
  SPEAKER_01: And that's the one thing that was very as a juxtaposition in the military, is like when people leave the military, they love the sense of purpose and they they they miss the sense of purpose and they miss the people.
• 37:32
  SPEAKER_01: But the organization as a whole, I mean, I've been I've I remember sitting in an auditorium one time and they they referred to us as you know, they have moving cycles where they move large amounts of people, and they referred to us as inventory.
• 37:44
  SPEAKER_01: And I remember being so off-put by that.
• 37:46
  SPEAKER_01: Like I was like, you just referred to me as inventory, like my gosh, like how it really put a bad taste in my mouth from that particular organization that I was part of.
• 37:58
  SPEAKER_01: And so, yeah, I I I don't that just kind of popped up my mind.
• 38:01
  SPEAKER_01: I don't have any question or anything that, but it just made me think about the organizations that I've been in where I didn't feel that sense of gratitude for for being there.
• 38:09
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, and it does make a difference because you know, you the the organizations that the units and things I've been involved with where I felt a sense of gratitude by the leadership, I it there's a sense of belonging there, and people first you can feel that.
• 38:24
  SPEAKER_01: And I think that's important for leaders to uh to develop that culture for sure, especially if you want people to perform well and you want people to hang around.
• 38:32
  SPEAKER_00: So yeah, yeah.
• 38:34
  SPEAKER_00: Well, and you know that that's the thing when you say about inventory, like the words you use matter.
• 38:39
  SPEAKER_00: So as a leader, make sure you understand, you know, it's not it's not uh employee ID numbers and so on.
• 38:46
  SPEAKER_00: So it's like I said, that's why when you see people as people first and employees second, you never accidentally say inventory.
• 38:53
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, like that was like kind of shocking and surprising to me.
• 38:58
  SPEAKER_01: Uh look around, like, did you just hear this guy?
• 39:00
  SPEAKER_01: Like, he's a high-ranking dude.
• 39:02
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, sure, sure.
• 39:03
  SPEAKER_01: Like, do you know who you're talking to?
• 39:05
  SPEAKER_01: But he was that's very matter-of fact about it.
• 39:07
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, okay, yeah.
• 39:08
  SPEAKER_01: But sometimes the army's like that.
• 39:09
  SPEAKER_01: You just gotta have thick skin and roll with it.
• 39:11
  SPEAKER_01: But it just it did put a bad sour taste in my mouth.
• 39:13
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, I've never heard anybody's inventory.
• 39:16
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 39:17
  SPEAKER_01: How do you how do you develop and cultivate and hold on to gratitude in a season where someone is going through a very, very difficult time?
• 39:30
  SPEAKER_01: And I and I say this, I'm gonna say this in a context of I have been working with with someone who's he's going to lose a family member.
• 39:40
  SPEAKER_01: And every time we talk, you know, it's I'm grateful for this, I'm grateful for what I have.
• 39:45
  SPEAKER_01: But I'm just but sometimes I'm sensing like that individual is trying to grasp onto gratitude, but the the sorrow of the situation is so overwhelming and so demanding.
• 39:57
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know.
• 39:58
  SPEAKER_01: Is there any do you have any tips or advice for someone going through a very difficult season of life in finding gratitude?
• 40:05
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, well, and the first thing I would say is feel it all.
• 40:10
  SPEAKER_00: Don't try to numb it by being grateful for it.
• 40:14
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes maybe gratitude isn't the perfect answer because it's really disingenuous, truthfully, to find gratitude through a heartbreaking chapter.
• 40:26
  SPEAKER_00: And then you feel like, what's wrong with me?
• 40:28
  SPEAKER_00: Why can't I find something to be grateful for?
• 40:30
  SPEAKER_00: It's maybe not that.
• 40:31
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe gratitude, the the outcome of gratitude is presence.
• 40:36
  SPEAKER_00: So, how can I reclaim more of thinking of the moment or who am I grateful for in my life that I can connect with, that I can share how I'm feeling.
• 40:50
  SPEAKER_00: Not so that you smile through it.
• 40:54
  SPEAKER_00: Because the lessons are actually learned through those hard times, through the moments.
• 40:59
  SPEAKER_00: And the lessons I mean are because you're better able, one, to handle tougher moments in the future, and you're able to show up in a meaningful way for people that are also going to go through a hard time.
• 41:14
  SPEAKER_00: So it's it's one understanding that like every season of hard will pass, like this too shall pass, but it also doesn't mean ignore how it's making you feel.
• 41:27
  SPEAKER_00: Because acknowledging something is the first step to handling it, naming it, living with it, as opposed to ignoring it is actually like numbing certain things is actually the best way to keep it.
• 41:41
  SPEAKER_00: Because we don't give it, we we kind of continue to let it have power.
• 41:47
  SPEAKER_00: So, what I would recommend as far as a gratitude practice, just even a mindset practice of somebody going through something really hard is who's somebody that I can connect with and just be with.
• 41:58
  SPEAKER_00: Because my gratitude for them will kind of help me be more present.
• 42:01
  SPEAKER_00: And how can I be with somebody?
• 42:02
  SPEAKER_00: How can I connect with somebody so that I can feel a little bit more human right now?
• 42:07
  SPEAKER_00: Because those hard times, those losing a family member, it is a it we're not really built and wired to do that very well.
• 42:15
  SPEAKER_00: But doing it alone is really, really hard.
• 42:18
  SPEAKER_00: Doing it with somebody else that you can say, can can I just call you if I need you for somebody that you're grateful for?
• 42:26
  SPEAKER_00: And then, and then slowly but surely, it will kind of start to feel like, okay, I'm in the thing, I'm able to feel the emotions, but I'm not letting it overwhelm me so much that I can't live my normal life.
• 42:37
  SPEAKER_00: But it's really leaning on the people the most during those tough times, not necessarily just thinking, how can I be grateful for something in this chapter?
• 42:44
  SPEAKER_00: Again, it's it's just not a human experience that I that I found is very, very easy to do for most people.
• 42:51
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I think I think what I'm thinking there is the having gratitude for those that you can rely on.
• 42:57
  SPEAKER_01: And I know for a lot of people, allowing others to care for you during this time of like tragedy, because that's that can be hard for people too, is to receive care and to open, to be open to that, because it's very unusual.
• 43:10
  SPEAKER_01: Because especially for a lot of men, it's like I'm I'm I'm the giver, I'm the provider, you know, I'm giving, giving, giving, but to allow gratitude for those that you can lean on and allow them to care for you during a hard time.
• 43:22
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 43:23
  SPEAKER_00: And and Sig, I'm glad you just mentioned that because I want to fully admit something as well.
• 43:27
  SPEAKER_00: I love to give way more than I especially help, advice, time, effort, whatever the thing is, more than I am openly allowing it.
• 43:37
  SPEAKER_00: I'm working, this is something I'm actively working on.
• 43:41
  SPEAKER_00: But what happens, what I did, and and luckily I had a friend that that called me up on this, but when you never allow anyone to help you, you decrease the chances of someone else actually asking for help because it's an imbalanced relationship.
• 44:01
  SPEAKER_00: So your desire to help and your unwillingness to ever let them help you, naturally, a human will think, I don't want to bother them because they never need anything from me.
• 44:12
  SPEAKER_00: And I don't always want to be the one who needs something from them.
• 44:16
  SPEAKER_00: So if you actually want to help more people, create a safe place to where help is reciprocated willingly.
• 44:25
  SPEAKER_00: Not because you don't need it, not because, but like if you say, you know what, I love to help people, my first question is how often do you let people help you?
• 44:33
  SPEAKER_00: Because that tells me how often other people are actually going to call you without obligation.
• 44:38
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 44:38
  SPEAKER_00: But they're gonna call because this is what we do for each other.
• 44:41
  SPEAKER_00: They're not gonna call back.
• 44:42
  SPEAKER_00: Because this is what you just do for them.
• 44:46
  SPEAKER_01: On that, on that same token, uh, something that I learned being a giver, it feels really good to give and help someone else.
• 44:54
  SPEAKER_01: But if you don't allow them to help you, you're denying them the same feeling that you get from helping and giving to someone else as well.
• 45:01
  SPEAKER_01: So it's kind of the same token what you just talked about.
• 45:03
  SPEAKER_01: And then yeah, once again, you're gonna find people that would be less inclined to help you.
• 45:07
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 45:08
  SPEAKER_01: So I think that's uh that's a that's one a lot of people struggle with.
• 45:12
  SPEAKER_01: I think just being humble enough to allow and receive care, you know, in that realm.
• 45:17
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 45:18
  SPEAKER_00: Well, and I tell you one of the things, my own personal experience as well, but I've also said it and it's resonated with people.
• 45:24
  SPEAKER_00: Stop and think about why you don't ask for help.
• 45:27
  SPEAKER_00: Is it because you don't need it, or is it because you've needed it from people that you trusted and loved but never got it?
• 45:33
  SPEAKER_00: And now you're not giving the chance for the people that are in your life now to potentially help you in a way that you've always needed.
• 45:39
  SPEAKER_00: You've just kind of learned over time, I did I'll just do it myself because the people that I thought would be here for me aren't.
• 45:46
  SPEAKER_00: And so then you kind of get a little jaded and a little narrow-minded.
• 45:49
  SPEAKER_00: So just kind of open up your heart again because that's where community and love and relationship and connection really comes from, is allowing us to serve each other.
• 46:00
  SPEAKER_01: Absolutely.
• 46:01
  SPEAKER_01: As humans, that's what we're designed to do is to give to one another, take your talents and abilities and serve others and let them serve you.
• 46:07
  SPEAKER_01: And we all have strengths and weaknesses.
• 46:09
  SPEAKER_01: It's interesting.
• 46:10
  SPEAKER_01: We almost have the same amount of we're really we're we're we could be good or decent in a lot of things, but we definitely have strengths and we have weaknesses, and they're almost the same like number of strengths to weaknesses that we have, like that are stark.
• 46:23
  SPEAKER_01: And it's like we're designed to like pool our resources to be in service to one another, and it feels good to do so at the end of life.
• 46:30
  SPEAKER_01: You're gonna think about the people in your life and the contributions that you've made to others.
• 46:33
  SPEAKER_01: Those are gonna be that that there's been a lot of like people that have done a lot of just interviews for people at the end of life, and those are the two things that people come up with all the time.
• 46:41
  SPEAKER_01: It's the the contributions to others and the people in your life, which turns directly into gratitude.
• 46:46
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, that's so true.
• 46:47
  SPEAKER_00: Both of those things do.
• 46:48
  SPEAKER_00: That's a great point.
• 46:50
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 46:50
  SPEAKER_01: Well, we're at uh like 45 minutes in, so we're getting close to the exit here, and we could go a number of different ways.
• 46:56
  SPEAKER_01: We keep this conversation going for hours, I think.
• 46:58
  SPEAKER_01: But is there anything else that you would like to tie into as we exit toward the door here?
• 47:02
  SPEAKER_01: Is there anything that you'd like to share or talk about?
• 47:05
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, and honestly, my my only thing that I want to say to anybody listening to this is it's not too late to start.
• 47:13
  SPEAKER_00: It's not too late to slow down, to pay attention to the people that you love the most.
• 47:20
  SPEAKER_00: Think about when you feel the most fulfilled, but then also hold yourself accountable to a high level so that those people in your life experience your love and your gratitude.
• 47:32
  SPEAKER_00: And maybe it's and if it's a lot of men listening to this, maybe you go ask your friends or your or your wives, girlfriends, whoever, your partners in life, you go ask them when do you feel the most loved by me?
• 47:49
  SPEAKER_00: And then when they say what when they say what go ahead, Sig.
• 47:53
  SPEAKER_01: No, as you said, it's a powerful question.
• 47:55
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 47:55
  SPEAKER_00: And when they say why, what's this about?
• 47:57
  SPEAKER_00: You can just honestly, the hardest thing when we talk about doing hard things, the hardest thing is to live in regret.
• 48:04
  SPEAKER_00: The hardest thing is for someone to not experience your love in the way that you meant, the hardest thing is for your intentions to have a horrible impact.
• 48:13
  SPEAKER_00: The hardest thing is to not own what could be the greatest thing.
• 48:18
  SPEAKER_00: So really ask.
• 48:20
  SPEAKER_00: So when they say, Why are you asking me that question?
• 48:22
  SPEAKER_00: One, be ready to do something with the answer, but also give them space because that's a big question.
• 48:28
  SPEAKER_00: And just say, because I want to make sure that you always know that I'm here for you, that I see you, that I value you, and I love you.
• 48:38
  SPEAKER_00: And give her space.
• 48:42
  SPEAKER_00: Give your friends space.
• 48:43
  SPEAKER_00: Because I asked my friends the same question like, when do you know that I'm here for you?
• 48:46
  SPEAKER_00: When do you know that I care about you?
• 48:48
  SPEAKER_00: Whatever, if it's not loved, whatever the word is, give them space and let them think.
• 48:54
  SPEAKER_00: Because then you get to show up with intention.
• 48:56
  SPEAKER_00: Then you get to hear when something that you're doing could be a small thing, could be a big thing, is actually making the people that you love the most, those eyes watching you and waving to you as you leave, that's when they know how much you love them.
• 49:11
  SPEAKER_00: Of which at the end of the day, I've worked with people from all across, I've spoken to all across different lifespans.
• 49:17
  SPEAKER_00: At the end, like you just said, did they know that I loved them?
• 49:23
  SPEAKER_00: Because at the end, whenever we lose somebody, what we really want to do is hug them one more time.
• 49:28
  SPEAKER_00: We want to kiss them one more time, we want to tell them I love you one more time.
• 49:33
  SPEAKER_00: So we get the chance today to do that in a way that they experience it.
• 49:36
  SPEAKER_00: So slow down.
• 49:37
  SPEAKER_00: It's never too late to start and go ask that powerful question to somebody that you love.
• 49:44
  SPEAKER_01: That is powerful, and that'd be a great way to end the show today.
• 49:47
  SPEAKER_01: TJ, thank you so much.
• 49:49
  SPEAKER_01: I'm I'm personally tremendously grateful for you taking the time to be here today, for your giving spirit to contribute to me and my mission and what I'm working on.
• 49:59
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm just grateful for you in so many ways.
• 50:01
  SPEAKER_01: How can people get in contact with you?
• 50:03
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, Sig, thank you for letting me be here and sharing this space with you as well.
• 50:07
  SPEAKER_00: My website's TJ Suite.com.
• 50:09
  SPEAKER_00: You can find me all over every single social media channel.
• 50:11
  SPEAKER_00: It's at the TJ Suite.
• 50:13
  SPEAKER_00: And if you message me, it's gonna go straight to me.
• 50:15
  SPEAKER_00: I take a lot of pride in building connections with people if they do want to reach out and connect.
• 50:19
  SPEAKER_00: And so I'd love to be able to learn more about you, pour into you, learn about what you're doing, and and you know, encourage in any way that I can, because I have a lot of people encouraging me.
• 50:28
  SPEAKER_00: So I'd love to be able to give back.
• 50:29
  SPEAKER_00: So I'd love to connect with people.
• 50:31
  SPEAKER_00: And and luckily, my name's unique enough to where you can find my website pretty easy.
• 50:34
  SPEAKER_01: So and we'll put all your links in the show notes as well.
• 50:37
  SPEAKER_01: So people want to connect with you directly.
• 50:39
  SPEAKER_01: That'll make that easy for them to do so.
• 50:41
  SPEAKER_01: So thank you, TJ.
• 50:43
  SPEAKER_01: Appreciate brother.
• 50:45
  SPEAKER_00: I appreciate you.
• 50:46
  SPEAKER_01: If this episode helped you, just you know, I'd I'd be very grateful if you just shared it with someone.
• 50:52
  SPEAKER_01: Just share this episode.
• 50:53
  SPEAKER_01: And if you want more, go to the you can join the Do Hard Things Nation Facebook page.
• 50:57
  SPEAKER_01: It's completely free.
• 50:58
  SPEAKER_01: We post a daily hard question every day, a journal prompt.
• 51:02
  SPEAKER_01: And the idea is to create community.
• 51:03
  SPEAKER_01: We have some motivational merchandise, we have upcoming events.
• 51:06
  SPEAKER_01: So if you want more, you can go to do our thingsnation.com.
• 51:09
  SPEAKER_01: And if you want to go a little further, we have a team of coaches that can help you.
• 51:12
  SPEAKER_01: Go to doharthingscoaching.com, grab a copy of the book Life on Offense.
• 51:16
  SPEAKER_01: All the links are in the show notes.
• 51:18
  SPEAKER_01: TJ, thank you for being here.
• 51:20
  SPEAKER_01: For those listening, keep doing hard things, and we'll see you guys in the next episode.
• 51:23
  SPEAKER_01: Grateful for all of you, grateful for this opportunity, grateful for it all.