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Trauma taught me some SH*T · Blind But Now I See

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: Back at it for another episode of the Blomber and
• 0:01
  Speaker 1: I See show. This is the voice of the DISABLSN.
• 0:05
  Speaker 1: This is not a disabled podcast, even though you see
• 0:07
  Speaker 1: two disabled heroes. I am your host, fob Oh, I
• 0:11
  Speaker 1: am your host, fobc up the Raha Blonde Poppy if
• 0:15
  Speaker 1: you nasty, the official blonde Stuffer, and I'm in the
• 0:18
  Speaker 1: studio with my sister. I all gotta keep announcing. You
• 0:21
  Speaker 1: could just jump in. You gotta get a routine together, sir,
• 0:24
  Speaker 1: tell me it's your girls get a routine together.
• 0:28
  Speaker 2: It's Fringy aka hot Wheels again, and we're back to
• 0:30
  Speaker 2: give you another great episode.
• 0:32
  Speaker 1: Locked in you know where. We're at two sixty five
• 0:34
  Speaker 1: Canal Street where magic happened. We got my boy Wolf
• 0:37
  Speaker 1: behind the cameras. He's he's still on site, even though
• 0:40
  Speaker 1: you don't see him on the couch. He's still here though,
• 0:42
  Speaker 1: the number one producer of the Blamberin I See podcast.
• 0:46
  Speaker 1: And before we even get into this episode, I just
• 0:47
  Speaker 1: want to send a rest in peace to Matt. Rest
• 0:50
  Speaker 1: in peace. I ain't gonna I was about to stop podcasting,
• 0:53
  Speaker 1: but Matt came all the way down here from Ohio
• 0:55
  Speaker 1: just to meet me. He blonde to He died in
• 0:58
  Speaker 1: his sleep two weeks ago. Wrestling man, you will always
• 1:01
  Speaker 1: be a blond stepper. Gang your wings? You know you
• 1:04
  Speaker 1: might see it again? You do you think he can see?
• 1:07
  Speaker 2: That would be beautiful If that's.
• 1:08
  Speaker 1: Beautiful, right, he ain't gang his wings, gang's eyes. That's
• 1:13
  Speaker 1: what I want. I don't want to. I just want
• 1:15
  Speaker 1: my eyes when I go. But how you been my sister?
• 1:19
  Speaker 2: Though I've been good, I've been chilling mental health. Mentally,
• 1:23
  Speaker 2: I'm feeling good. I'm not going on. Don't go see
• 1:26
  Speaker 2: my me anymore, can't have me and have me and
• 1:28
  Speaker 2: her in.
• 1:28
  Speaker 1: Before late day, I've been feeling good. You know. I
• 1:31
  Speaker 1: did the live show, Billy Live Show, Need to be Steady.
• 1:34
  Speaker 1: I still didn't find no love though I hold you.
• 1:37
  Speaker 1: I just thought about that when I left.
• 1:39
  Speaker 2: It was just whole.
• 1:40
  Speaker 1: Yeah, it was somebody pregnant.
• 1:42
  Speaker 2: One pregnant. She was off limits.
• 1:44
  Speaker 1: So Billy did me dirty. But I loved it though,
• 1:48
  Speaker 1: shout out to you, Billy. But what today? What we
• 1:50
  Speaker 1: got a store today? Though?
• 1:51
  Speaker 2: Today we're gonna discuss trauma and how you can still
• 1:56
  Speaker 2: get blessings from it and how it can help you
• 1:58
  Speaker 2: to open your eyes and wake up and just see
• 2:00
  Speaker 2: things differently, No pun intended.
• 2:03
  Speaker 1: I like that. Shit. Though a lot of people run
• 2:04
  Speaker 1: away from trauma, they do, a lot of people run
• 2:07
  Speaker 1: away from TRUMPA.
• 2:09
  Speaker 2: Jay Z said something, so he said, can't run from
• 2:12
  Speaker 2: the pain, go towards it. And I always remember that.
• 2:15
  Speaker 2: So now let's just get straight, let's get straight into it.
• 2:17
  Speaker 2: Let's get it because but the people that don't know,
• 2:19
  Speaker 2: because even though we feel like we might have shared
• 2:21
  Speaker 2: our stories a thousand times's a lot of people that
• 2:23
  Speaker 2: don't know what happened.
• 2:24
  Speaker 1: People that's coming in.
• 2:25
  Speaker 2: Were you born blind?
• 2:26
  Speaker 1: Nah, I wasn't born blind. Thirteen years ago, I was
• 2:29
  Speaker 1: shot three times, twice to my head, once to my
• 2:32
  Speaker 1: shoulder in the streets of Brooklyn, Brownsville. To be exact,
• 2:36
  Speaker 1: I hate Brownsville, and I was left on the floor
• 2:38
  Speaker 1: to die, you know, like fighting for my life, crawling
• 2:42
  Speaker 1: like I never in my I'm thirty. I can't say
• 2:46
  Speaker 1: thirty five because I'd be thirty five next month. But
• 2:49
  Speaker 1: I can't never say, like in twenty two years of
• 2:51
  Speaker 1: living thought I would feel the feeling of bullets ripping
• 2:55
  Speaker 1: through my skin. Never in my life felt I would
• 2:58
  Speaker 1: be on the floor fighting for my life. I never
• 3:00
  Speaker 1: thought in my life that I'd be waking up blind.
• 3:05
  Speaker 1: Waking up I thought my eyes were just swollen until
• 3:10
  Speaker 1: like my seventh day in the hospital and they broke
• 3:12
  Speaker 1: the nose that I am blind. Strong though. Eight days
• 3:16
  Speaker 1: in the hospital, three days recovery, I mean three days respirator,
• 3:20
  Speaker 1: four days recovery, eight day I'm walking out the hospital.
• 3:24
  Speaker 1: I had a mission, my son. But just like being
• 3:30
  Speaker 1: in the dark is very hard and people don't understand that.
• 3:35
  Speaker 1: But no matter how many times I tell the stories,
• 3:39
  Speaker 1: like you just thinking just different things, different things, And
• 3:42
  Speaker 1: it's like I never in my life pleaded for a
• 3:47
  Speaker 1: second chance, other than when I was on the floor,
• 3:51
  Speaker 1: were laying down, bleeding out of my head. I lost
• 3:54
  Speaker 1: a lot of blood. They wanted to.
• 3:55
  Speaker 2: Put another shot, and you said, you were shot in
• 3:58
  Speaker 2: your head two times twice. So it gets shot, And
• 4:00
  Speaker 2: where did it go through?
• 4:01
  Speaker 1: Can you show us came from the right side, hit
• 4:04
  Speaker 1: from the right side, came off the left. That's where
• 4:07
  Speaker 1: it took the vision out because they clipped the cords.
• 4:10
  Speaker 1: Then I got hit right in the back of my head,
• 4:13
  Speaker 1: and then they hit me in my own.
• 4:16
  Speaker 2: And people when you felt that you were still I
• 4:19
  Speaker 2: was you were still wide away. Wow, you didn't a
• 4:22
  Speaker 2: lot of people would pass the funk out.
• 4:24
  Speaker 1: Did you just hear bee? And I'm fighting, I'm crawling
• 4:28
  Speaker 1: to the car. I heard a bee, That's all you heard?
• 4:30
  Speaker 1: Would just bee? I'm crawling. I got up, I fell.
• 4:36
  Speaker 1: And the crazy thing about it is my sight didn't
• 4:38
  Speaker 1: just go right away.
• 4:40
  Speaker 2: It didn't.
• 4:40
  Speaker 1: Nah, I'm still saying, I'm seeing what my car is.
• 4:44
  Speaker 1: I counted my money, I seen my son on the
• 4:46
  Speaker 1: screen saver. I seen blood on my boots and I
• 4:48
  Speaker 1: was pistol.
• 4:49
  Speaker 2: So did the bullet go up? Both of them went
• 4:51
  Speaker 2: out your head.
• 4:52
  Speaker 1: Not the one in the back stayed in it.
• 4:54
  Speaker 2: So it's like, so do you feel like that move.
• 4:56
  Speaker 1: Like the one and the one in the back ricochet
• 4:59
  Speaker 1: pretty much. But the one on the side of my
• 5:02
  Speaker 1: face the clipped the cords connecting. They clipped the cord
• 5:05
  Speaker 1: that was see.
• 5:09
  Speaker 2: Stop seeing.
• 5:10
  Speaker 1: When I got up with the respirator, Oh my god,
• 5:12
  Speaker 1: my eyes was shut close swollen. So somethinking.
• 5:16
  Speaker 2: So maybe when they did the surgery, they.
• 5:17
  Speaker 1: Could have no surgery, got no surgery.
• 5:19
  Speaker 2: They didn't do no surgery on your head.
• 5:20
  Speaker 1: Surgery, just put the respirator inside.
• 5:23
  Speaker 2: My mouth, So it's like your vision faded away.
• 5:27
  Speaker 1: Faded away slowly, and that was like the worst pain
• 5:30
  Speaker 1: because it's like, I'm really it's like my actual life
• 5:33
  Speaker 1: is fading away until the life I'm living now, like
• 5:37
  Speaker 1: really thinking about it, it's like you like you're running
• 5:40
  Speaker 1: a tunnel. You feel me like you're running in the
• 5:42
  Speaker 1: tunnel and you see in the light. But it seemed
• 5:44
  Speaker 1: like that light is going further and further and further.
• 5:47
  Speaker 2: So it's like the closer you get, the further get.
• 5:49
  Speaker 1: Yeah, because and it didn't fade away that fast because
• 5:52
  Speaker 1: they put me on the ambulance, and the ambulance I
• 5:54
  Speaker 1: seen you still took me out. I've seen my best
• 5:57
  Speaker 1: friend there. I've seen them cops trying to push them.
• 6:00
  Speaker 1: I've seen them wop the respirator. It was over, like
• 6:04
  Speaker 1: my vision was hanging County.
• 6:06
  Speaker 2: They did that ship.
• 6:07
  Speaker 1: You can see what I felt that way. But then
• 6:11
  Speaker 1: when you see X rays and you see how damn
• 6:14
  Speaker 1: like the chords to the brain.
• 6:16
  Speaker 2: But if that's the case, then if it grot then
• 6:20
  Speaker 2: it's like wouldn't it why would it gradually go away?
• 6:22
  Speaker 2: If they clipped it automatically, you should not have seen.
• 6:25
  Speaker 1: Anymore I don't know, but I don't know.
• 6:28
  Speaker 2: We were about to suit them fading and fad your.
• 6:32
  Speaker 1: Feet and I'm just like, yo, what the hell is
• 6:33
  Speaker 1: going on? Like little, it's like like glitching. My vision
• 6:38
  Speaker 1: was glitching. It's like it was like spotty, like holding
• 6:41
  Speaker 1: on to them, and it's like once that respirator happen
• 6:45
  Speaker 1: and everything, it's like maybe you're adrenaline kept your vision going,
• 6:49
  Speaker 1: kept it pumping, probably because I didn't know I got shot.
• 6:53
  Speaker 1: I'm still moving. I didn't know I got shot. I'm
• 6:55
  Speaker 1: still running. I'm still still going. Yeah, until they hit
• 6:59
  Speaker 1: me with the needle, put me on a respirator, and
• 7:01
  Speaker 1: then it was like I is over. I woke up,
• 7:04
  Speaker 1: I swollen. I'm like, I just it's just swell. But
• 7:07
  Speaker 1: then they opened my eyes that I dropped drops in
• 7:10
  Speaker 1: it and it's like, damn, I'm not seeing when they're
• 7:12
  Speaker 1: doing it, but my eyes reacting to light. Just wed
• 7:17
  Speaker 1: But what about you?
• 7:18
  Speaker 2: What about me?
• 7:19
  Speaker 1: Let's let's talk about you.
• 7:21
  Speaker 2: Oh me, So I was fifteen, I was thirty, So
• 7:25
  Speaker 2: that was fourteen years ago for me. So twenty eleven,
• 7:29
  Speaker 2: August twenty seventh, that actually just made fourteen years on Wednesday.
• 7:32
  Speaker 2: So I went and.
• 7:33
  Speaker 1: Celebrated that you gotta celebrate.
• 7:36
  Speaker 2: So I went to a party and I got shot
• 7:39
  Speaker 2: in my back. A lot of people know. I'm pretty
• 7:41
  Speaker 2: sure I have it all over YouTube by this point,
• 7:43
  Speaker 2: but I got shot on my back. In the first
• 7:46
  Speaker 2: feelings was I didn't know I was shot. So there
• 7:49
  Speaker 2: everybody's telling like, everybody's saying, you're not shot. You're not
• 7:52
  Speaker 2: shot because I had on a black dress that night,
• 7:54
  Speaker 2: so you can't see anything. You don't see it people,
• 7:56
  Speaker 2: you don't see nothing. So I just felt numb. Like
• 8:00
  Speaker 2: everybody was getting up because they started shooting. Mad people
• 8:02
  Speaker 2: got shot. It was eleven people got shot. Eleven people
• 8:05
  Speaker 2: got shot. So everybody's getting up and I'm still on
• 8:08
  Speaker 2: the ground. They like, get up, get up because my
• 8:10
  Speaker 2: bro had pulled me to the ground, but running over
• 8:12
  Speaker 2: people because I'm like, what the fuck is I'm so
• 8:15
  Speaker 2: drunk I was when I say I was off, I
• 8:18
  Speaker 2: was off drugs with that girl ship that Listen, they
• 8:22
  Speaker 2: pumped my stomach. They've seen some shit in there. But
• 8:26
  Speaker 2: I had thought. I was like, oh, they got some
• 8:29
  Speaker 2: fireworks at this party. It's lit like it was really
• 8:31
  Speaker 2: a lit ass party, like the whole hood was there.
• 8:34
  Speaker 2: So now as I'm on the ground, I'm trying to
• 8:37
  Speaker 2: get back up because my bro had pulled me to
• 8:38
  Speaker 2: the ground because he's like, what the fuck you get down?
• 8:40
  Speaker 2: You know what I'm saying, he put me to the ground.
• 8:41
  Speaker 2: Soon as he put me to the ground, exactly where
• 8:43
  Speaker 2: my head was, a bullet flew bomb, so it could
• 8:45
  Speaker 2: have literally been my head. So now I'm on the
• 8:47
  Speaker 2: ground and I can't get up. I can't get up.
• 8:49
  Speaker 2: I can't get up. They're like, get up. I'm like,
• 8:51
  Speaker 2: I can't get up. I can't get up. I could
• 8:53
  Speaker 2: still move my arms and shit, you know crazy. You
• 8:57
  Speaker 2: know the crazy part is I cannot And I'm be
• 9:00
  Speaker 2: so honest. I believe I was still filling my legs
• 9:04
  Speaker 2: before I woke up into the hospital. That's the crazy part.
• 9:07
  Speaker 2: I just couldn't get up, you know what I'm saying.
• 9:09
  Speaker 2: So I'm sitting there and they're like, you didn't get shot.
• 9:12
  Speaker 2: You didn't get shot, but my legs, like my vagina,
• 9:14
  Speaker 2: I was bleeding, and they like, oh, maybe glass just
• 9:17
  Speaker 2: brew up in between your legs like a bottle and
• 9:19
  Speaker 2: a major.
• 9:20
  Speaker 1: No.
• 9:20
  Speaker 2: I'm like it wouldn't make me not get up. I'm
• 9:22
  Speaker 2: like I got shot. You know what I'm saying, Like
• 9:23
  Speaker 2: I knew it. I'm like, I got shot. Like they
• 9:25
  Speaker 2: turned me over and they've seen it.
• 9:26
  Speaker 1: They was like, she got shot your back.
• 9:30
  Speaker 2: Nope, I guess yeah. Adrenaline, Yeah, adrenaline. It just it
• 9:34
  Speaker 2: numbed me up.
• 9:35
  Speaker 1: Like I didn't feel any pain, see me, I felt burned,
• 9:38
  Speaker 1: and I.
• 9:38
  Speaker 2: Felt like, no, that's all. When everybody tell me how
• 9:40
  Speaker 2: bullets feel, pushing it, piercing your flesh, I think God
• 9:43
  Speaker 2: in them drugs.
• 9:44
  Speaker 1: That you didn't maybe maybe what the drugs?
• 9:48
  Speaker 2: Drugs? I had so much alcohol in my system. I
• 9:50
  Speaker 2: had so much I had ecstasy. Not proud of it.
• 9:54
  Speaker 2: I haven't done it since because I literally was on
• 9:55
  Speaker 2: the floor. I was like, God, if this the email,
• 9:58
  Speaker 2: I said, godf I ain't gonna never do it again,
• 10:01
  Speaker 2: I prob And I'm on the floor like my mama
• 10:04
  Speaker 2: gonna kill me if I die. Aesthetic guy and I
• 10:08
  Speaker 2: was just sitting there. I was like damn. Like I
• 10:10
  Speaker 2: was just like I don't want to die, Like that's
• 10:12
  Speaker 2: the only thing I remember thinking, like I don't want
• 10:14
  Speaker 2: to die. I don't want to die, Like I'm not
• 10:15
  Speaker 2: ready for this. I'm fifteen years old. My life just
• 10:17
  Speaker 2: started like I'm not ready to die, like and I
• 10:20
  Speaker 2: was just thinking about my mom. I'm like, if I die,
• 10:23
  Speaker 2: I'm he's so broken. You know what I'm saying. She's
• 10:27
  Speaker 2: gonna blame herself if I die, My dad gonna blame herself.
• 10:29
  Speaker 2: My family like they gonna be her. And so I
• 10:31
  Speaker 2: started thinking about my siblings. I started thinking about everything. Now,
• 10:35
  Speaker 2: shit didn't start flashing. I ain't have that moment because
• 10:37
  Speaker 2: I said, I'm not dying, like you know what I'm saying,
• 10:39
  Speaker 2: Like people like the people that depend on me and
• 10:43
  Speaker 2: need me. Yeah, I was thinking about them. I thought
• 10:45
  Speaker 2: about everybody but myself in that moment. I'm gonna be honest.
• 10:47
  Speaker 2: And I literally was just talking to that. I was
• 10:49
  Speaker 2: talking to God and I was just like yo. And
• 10:51
  Speaker 2: then when I got in the ambulance, they telling me
• 10:54
  Speaker 2: I got shot in my head. Because they start they're
• 10:56
  Speaker 2: like is this year here? I'm like, get the funk
• 10:57
  Speaker 2: over of it. I'm still popping shit. They're like, I'm like,
• 11:00
  Speaker 2: why are you'll pull on my head? It was like
• 11:01
  Speaker 2: this ye here. I was like, yeah, I brought it.
• 11:02
  Speaker 2: They was like, well, they said, you got shot in
• 11:03
  Speaker 2: your head. And I'm like well, shit, I ain't feel
• 11:05
  Speaker 2: the one in my back. I started ripping that shit out.
• 11:08
  Speaker 2: I started ripping that shit out, and then they was up.
• 11:10
  Speaker 2: You didn't get shot in your head. Now I'm sitting
• 11:12
  Speaker 2: in the hospital with a fucking mullet. I'm telling you
• 11:14
  Speaker 2: right now. I had a party in the back. Listen.
• 11:17
  Speaker 2: I had the you know when the old white men
• 11:19
  Speaker 2: be bolding at the top, but they still keep their
• 11:21
  Speaker 2: hair along in the back, crazy like the old Englishman.
• 11:24
  Speaker 2: That's how my ship was. So I'm just sitting in
• 11:25
  Speaker 2: the hospital bed looking fried.
• 11:27
  Speaker 1: But I woke up when they was.
• 11:29
  Speaker 2: I woke up when they did surgery on me and
• 11:31
  Speaker 2: all that. They did a lot of schoctor surgery. That's
• 11:32
  Speaker 2: why I have the zipper on me. And I woke
• 11:36
  Speaker 2: up in between it, and they was like, ohld shoe,
• 11:37
  Speaker 2: she's up. Because you know, anesthesia doesn't always work the
• 11:39
  Speaker 2: same for everybody. Sometimes they give you too little. Sometimes
• 11:42
  Speaker 2: they gave you too much. But doctors try to give
• 11:43
  Speaker 2: you too little so that they don't, you know, overset
• 11:45
  Speaker 2: the shoe and kill you. So I woke up a
• 11:47
  Speaker 2: little bit. But when I see my my stomach open,
• 11:49
  Speaker 2: I just doze right back out. I remember that, and
• 11:51
  Speaker 2: I remember waking up, and I remember waking up and
• 11:53
  Speaker 2: just everybody surrounding me. And you know, they never really
• 11:57
  Speaker 2: told me like I knew I got shot. They never
• 12:01
  Speaker 2: told me like you're never gonna walk again. They never
• 12:05
  Speaker 2: I never had that conversation.
• 12:08
  Speaker 1: How long before you realize, I would.
• 12:09
  Speaker 2: Say, nobody, Like doctors told me, like the word paralyzed
• 12:13
  Speaker 2: and stuff. But I just how long it took to
• 12:16
  Speaker 2: accept it and how long it took to know is
• 12:18
  Speaker 2: two different things. Because everything was such a blur because
• 12:21
  Speaker 2: you're on all them pain mess like you said, the respirator.
• 12:23
  Speaker 2: You're on all these things and these machines. And I
• 12:27
  Speaker 2: didn't want to eat, I didn't want to do anything.
• 12:30
  Speaker 2: I was like, if God, why would he keep me here?
• 12:34
  Speaker 2: And I said, why would he keep me here and
• 12:37
  Speaker 2: make me be.
• 12:38
  Speaker 1: Like this suffer?
• 12:40
  Speaker 2: Like that's how I felt.
• 12:41
  Speaker 1: People. People don't understand that. Like the hardest thing wasn't
• 12:45
  Speaker 1: being blind. The hardest thing was like keeping a smile
• 12:48
  Speaker 1: on my face. That was really my hardest thing. It
• 12:51
  Speaker 1: wasn't accepting it being blind. It's really finding out who
• 12:55
  Speaker 1: I am. I'm still that same person I'm not. I
• 12:59
  Speaker 1: wasn't chasing my vision, Chase saying, who are used to be?
• 13:01
  Speaker 2: Used to be?
• 13:02
  Speaker 1: And that and that will put me in a depression.
• 13:05
  Speaker 2: That holds you back so much because before the reason
• 13:08
  Speaker 2: why we in the wiel Chair community we call it
• 13:10
  Speaker 2: life day, like if you weren't born this way, so
• 13:12
  Speaker 2: the day that this happened to you, we call it
• 13:14
  Speaker 2: life day. So it's not your birthday, but it's the
• 13:16
  Speaker 2: day that your life really began, the second life. You
• 13:18
  Speaker 2: know what I mean, school, because none of what I'm saying.
• 13:23
  Speaker 2: That's what we call it. And I call it a
• 13:25
  Speaker 2: rebirth because you have to bury the person that you
• 13:28
  Speaker 2: was before, because you might have to accept that you
• 13:30
  Speaker 2: will never be that person again.
• 13:32
  Speaker 1: Do the same thing.
• 13:32
  Speaker 2: And God put you here, and he kept you here
• 13:35
  Speaker 2: because he wanted you to change, not because he wanted
• 13:37
  Speaker 2: you to stay the same.
• 13:37
  Speaker 1: Yeah, Ba, at that moment, you don't see it.
• 13:39
  Speaker 2: Of course, I don't know.
• 13:40
  Speaker 1: I know a lot. At that moment, I looked at
• 13:42
  Speaker 1: it like I'm making everybody help, I'm making everybody else
• 13:46
  Speaker 1: happy by breathing. I'm not happy.
• 13:50
  Speaker 2: I didn't feel that I was. I felt more of anger.
• 13:54
  Speaker 2: I felt angry.
• 13:55
  Speaker 1: At God, I was upset, I was.
• 13:58
  Speaker 2: I remember in the hospital. I always tell people like
• 14:01
  Speaker 2: my mom, she was always praying, she had she had
• 14:04
  Speaker 2: the priest coming, she had holy water, all this shit.
• 14:08
  Speaker 2: I'm like, I was fucking with her. I was fucking
• 14:11
  Speaker 2: with my mom bad. And then one night, I kid
• 14:12
  Speaker 2: you know a lot. I wasn't eating, My heart rate
• 14:15
  Speaker 2: was just going up and down, my blood pressure was
• 14:16
  Speaker 2: like you know that little beef it's now and everything like.
• 14:18
  Speaker 2: So I was been in the hospital for a couple
• 14:19
  Speaker 2: of days night and then I'm like, I'm hot. I'm hot.
• 14:22
  Speaker 2: And my mother got a coat on in the hospital
• 14:24
  Speaker 2: because the ACU on. So you know what I'm saying.
• 14:26
  Speaker 2: I'm like I'm hot, Like I'm hot, Like Mommy, I'm hot.
• 14:28
  Speaker 2: And I literally just felt like I was about to go,
• 14:32
  Speaker 2: you know what I'm saying, And she was like, you
• 14:33
  Speaker 2: gotta pray. I was like, I can't pray because if
• 14:35
  Speaker 2: God loved me, why would he do this to me?
• 14:37
  Speaker 2: You know what I mean? Like I say, he wouldn't
• 14:39
  Speaker 2: if he cared about me. And at the time before that,
• 14:41
  Speaker 2: before I got shot, I was angry with God because
• 14:44
  Speaker 2: my grandmother died. You know, when you were a kid
• 14:45
  Speaker 2: and you lose the person you loved so much. My
• 14:47
  Speaker 2: great grandmother had died, and I was just so angry
• 14:49
  Speaker 2: with God. Since then, from twelve to fifteen, I just
• 14:51
  Speaker 2: was rebellious and being rebellious towards God and angry. I
• 14:54
  Speaker 2: wasn't an atheist. I was just angry, you know. And
• 14:58
  Speaker 2: so when my mom was like, you gotta you gotta pray,
• 15:00
  Speaker 2: and I literally felt myself dying. So I didn't start
• 15:03
  Speaker 2: dying in the moment when I got shot. I started
• 15:06
  Speaker 2: dying in that hospital just not eating, just from not eating,
• 15:09
  Speaker 2: just from them pumping me up with drugs. You know
• 15:11
  Speaker 2: what I'm saying, no food, just drugs, and I'm just
• 15:14
  Speaker 2: laying it and my body not accustomed to this. I'm
• 15:15
  Speaker 2: not walking, you know what I'm saying.
• 15:18
  Speaker 1: Don't want to eat. Yeah, So I didn't eat the
• 15:20
  Speaker 1: whole time, and.
• 15:20
  Speaker 2: I was refusing, I was trying. I kept trying to
• 15:22
  Speaker 2: pull the tubes out. I wasn't trying to take anything.
• 15:25
  Speaker 2: So I was literally killing myself and I had to pray,
• 15:29
  Speaker 2: and I started praying it from me. I started getting better.
• 15:31
  Speaker 2: Next thing, you know, they took the tube out. Then
• 15:33
  Speaker 2: after that they took me off the drug You know
• 15:35
  Speaker 2: what I mean like I started getting better. I started
• 15:37
  Speaker 2: eating on my own, I started talking, I started doing
• 15:39
  Speaker 2: other stuff because I was just writing. I was so
• 15:41
  Speaker 2: fucked up. I couldn't even talk like it was fucked up.
• 15:44
  Speaker 2: It was bad. Yeah, they had everything, and I'm just sitting.
• 15:48
  Speaker 1: There like a prayer warrior like as they doing all
• 15:53
  Speaker 1: of this, and my mind is like, why see your time?
• 15:57
  Speaker 1: It's like I just kind of like, like I said,
• 16:01
  Speaker 1: I'm like like he was talking, I said, YA said,
• 16:04
  Speaker 1: God read my story already right there, Like YA said, Wow,
• 16:06
  Speaker 1: I'm in this hospital. Why is I'm here? And I
• 16:10
  Speaker 1: sat there like oh. They were like, I'm like, well,
• 16:12
  Speaker 1: I guess the devil must be winning? Like why, I said,
• 16:14
  Speaker 1: could get his ass wet. They looked at me like
• 16:18
  Speaker 1: I'm crazy. It's like it's six people, and it's six people,
• 16:22
  Speaker 1: six of us in this hospital and four of us
• 16:25
  Speaker 1: got shot by the same gun. Mm hmmm, who win
• 16:28
  Speaker 1: it the devil? I said, what the fun? I said,
• 16:30
  Speaker 1: will y'all going that? Why y'all ain't showing up? They
• 16:33
  Speaker 1: looked at me like I was crazy. This chain I
• 16:35
  Speaker 1: got on that I wear today. I had the chain
• 16:37
  Speaker 1: on when I got shot and I got it back.
• 16:39
  Speaker 1: It was bent. They said, they think the bullet hit
• 16:42
  Speaker 1: it took it off. I popped this ship, I said,
• 16:46
  Speaker 1: I don't pray to y'all God.
• 16:48
  Speaker 2: Oh that ship.
• 16:49
  Speaker 1: My cousin looking like, oh, we taking you to church.
• 16:53
  Speaker 1: I'm in a front row, dozing off in the front
• 16:56
  Speaker 1: just sleep. She hitting me. Wake up, listen to it.
• 16:59
  Speaker 1: But then it's like I'm hearing the past of talk.
• 17:02
  Speaker 1: And it's like, damn, did y I tell him I
• 17:03
  Speaker 1: was coming here today? Because why I feel like he's
• 17:05
  Speaker 1: talking to me.
• 17:06
  Speaker 2: Yeah, that's that's not the past.
• 17:08
  Speaker 1: That's God. I'm like, why do it fel like you're
• 17:10
  Speaker 1: talking to me? Then it's like, yo, you got a
• 17:12
  Speaker 1: purpose of living here. People who come to here, they
• 17:14
  Speaker 1: could write a book by they could write a Bible
• 17:16
  Speaker 1: about you, like nobody come out with you came. And
• 17:18
  Speaker 1: I'm like, man, is at the game like this in
• 17:23
  Speaker 1: y'all world? Because at the end of the day, Oh,
• 17:24
  Speaker 1: you blessed to be alive? Am I I can't see
• 17:27
  Speaker 1: my son. My son was one years old when it
• 17:28
  Speaker 1: gus shut. I'm blessed, y'all. Y'all took away my ability
• 17:33
  Speaker 1: to drive. Y'all took away my ability my independence. How
• 17:35
  Speaker 1: is I'm blessed. I was just about to say, you
• 17:37
  Speaker 1: can't drive, So it's like I'm blessed because I'm here
• 17:41
  Speaker 1: with y'all. Right, that don't make me happy, Yeah, I
• 17:44
  Speaker 1: told him that don't make me happy. I've been through
• 17:46
  Speaker 1: it all, like my trauma. Like I knew when I
• 17:49
  Speaker 1: was facing trauma is when I woke them and I
• 17:52
  Speaker 1: didn't want to live no more. I try to commit suicide.
• 17:54
  Speaker 2: You tried to kill yourself.
• 17:56
  Speaker 1: I took thirty pails and it's like, and the crazy
• 18:00
  Speaker 1: thing about it, I had it set up to a point.
• 18:02
  Speaker 1: I know for a fact I didn't want to live
• 18:03
  Speaker 1: no more. My son supposed to came over. I dubbed it,
• 18:06
  Speaker 1: I don't know, I'm going out. I don't want them
• 18:08
  Speaker 1: because I already had my mind set up. I'm checking
• 18:11
  Speaker 1: out because before this, like and people, I'm a real nigga.
• 18:15
  Speaker 1: This and the third I got shot that should be lies,
• 18:17
  Speaker 1: like you really go through it. My mother had to
• 18:20
  Speaker 1: come over three or four in the morning sometimes because
• 18:22
  Speaker 1: I had mental breakdowns. But I said, I just want
• 18:25
  Speaker 1: everybody away for me. I don't want to hurt nobody.
• 18:28
  Speaker 1: I don't put hands on women that that was never
• 18:30
  Speaker 1: my character. I didn't choke my brother. I dodn't choke
• 18:33
  Speaker 1: my sister. I don't beat up cousins. I was on
• 18:35
  Speaker 1: the road. It's like everything was in front of my
• 18:37
  Speaker 1: way looked at like a target, like looking like an enemy.
• 18:39
  Speaker 1: You thought everybody, everybody was an enemy to me because.
• 18:43
  Speaker 2: You were stuck in the darkness. And it's not even
• 18:44
  Speaker 2: about physical.
• 18:46
  Speaker 1: Yeah, and it's like it's hunting me because I can't
• 18:49
  Speaker 1: see nobody. I'm just hearing voices. So you know, like
• 18:52
  Speaker 1: that scary movie, like you hear the voices and you're
• 18:54
  Speaker 1: going crazy and you moving around like I felt that feeling.
• 18:58
  Speaker 1: I had my son pitch on the wall. I tore down.
• 19:00
  Speaker 1: My mom looked like, what's wrong. I'm like, I just
• 19:01
  Speaker 1: want him to stay away. I don't want to hurt him.
• 19:03
  Speaker 1: I'm hurting everybody around him. I don't want to hurt him.
• 19:06
  Speaker 1: You really gonna hurt him. I don't know what I'm
• 19:08
  Speaker 1: capable of doing. So I kept him home. They gave
• 19:12
  Speaker 1: me some sleep pills because I wasn't sleeping. I left
• 19:15
  Speaker 1: a voicemail on my I left a voicemail on my phone,
• 19:18
  Speaker 1: and I left a note like just listen to the
• 19:21
  Speaker 1: voicemail because I can't explain it to y'all because y'all
• 19:24
  Speaker 1: gonna try to talk me out of it, y'all gonna
• 19:25
  Speaker 1: try to do whatever. Boom. I took the pills and
• 19:29
  Speaker 1: I kep telling to myself, this is what I really
• 19:30
  Speaker 1: want to do. And as I'm taking it, I'm starting
• 19:33
  Speaker 1: to feel better because like I'm getting closer and closer
• 19:35
  Speaker 1: to I'm not suffering no more. Until I took the
• 19:38
  Speaker 1: pills in there and I like stood up my body
• 19:41
  Speaker 1: feeling weak because now that the sluggish of the pills
• 19:43
  Speaker 1: is making me sluggish. But I'm just hearing my son's voice,
• 19:47
  Speaker 1: hearing him voice like he's like screaming, and then I felt.
• 19:52
  Speaker 2: He was there.
• 19:53
  Speaker 1: Now he wasn't. I'm just hanging it in my head.
• 19:56
  Speaker 1: I feel when I felt all the pills came out
• 19:59
  Speaker 1: of me, I stopped thought went up. My cousin Sean
• 20:02
  Speaker 1: was there. He like, what the fuck is wrong with you? Bro?
• 20:06
  Speaker 1: I said, Sean, just leave me, Bro. He said, yo.
• 20:10
  Speaker 1: He grabbing me. He calling I'm trying to snatch the
• 20:12
  Speaker 1: phone out of his hand. He's like, yo, I said, Sean,
• 20:14
  Speaker 1: just let me go, Bro, Just let me go, bro,
• 20:16
  Speaker 1: if you love me, just let me go. Bro. I
• 20:18
  Speaker 1: don't want to suffer no more. Bro. He called on
• 20:21
  Speaker 1: one woe. My grandmother came out there. What is wrong?
• 20:24
  Speaker 1: She crying, and my aunt ran upstairs. She grabbed me
• 20:26
  Speaker 1: like yo. I'm like, yo, just let me go, y'all.
• 20:28
  Speaker 1: Damn mans came. They rushed me, hook ivy up and
• 20:32
  Speaker 1: now they trying to flush it. They looked, They're like,
• 20:34
  Speaker 1: how many pills? You too? Said the whole bottle. He like,
• 20:38
  Speaker 1: we don't have no traces of drugs in your system.
• 20:42
  Speaker 1: I'm like, damn, and my mind is I fucking fell
• 20:45
  Speaker 1: don tap. I'm like, I'm ready to go home now.
• 20:48
  Speaker 1: Nigga wanted to go home and Chin, I'm not ready
• 20:50
  Speaker 1: to go home because like what's next?
• 20:51
  Speaker 2: Nigga want to go home?
• 20:52
  Speaker 1: And like what's next? They say you ain't going home?
• 20:55
  Speaker 1: He ain't going home?
• 20:58
  Speaker 2: Strap and took me up to that.
• 21:00
  Speaker 1: I'm like, nah, sneaking is off, I mean a p
• 21:04
  Speaker 1: and she opening the door like miss, what are you doing?
• 21:06
  Speaker 1: She said, I gotta watch you pee And I peed
• 21:08
  Speaker 1: all on myself because I'm thinking somebody crazy coming behind me.
• 21:11
  Speaker 1: I'm like, nah, this shit is ain't the life of me.
• 21:13
  Speaker 3: But see, let me ask you this. I want to
• 21:16
  Speaker 3: ask both of y'all. When did y'all know that y'all
• 21:18
  Speaker 3: was traumatized?
• 21:20
  Speaker 1: When did I know I was traumatized? Yeah?
• 21:22
  Speaker 2: Oh, I knew I was traumatized when I, like you said,
• 21:30
  Speaker 2: I kept trying to live the same life. I wouldn't
• 21:32
  Speaker 2: let go. And a part of being trauma is doing
• 21:35
  Speaker 2: the same things and expecting the difference. And that's the
• 21:38
  Speaker 2: part of being insane, you know what I'm saying. I
• 21:39
  Speaker 2: was driving myself insane, trying to be the same person
• 21:41
  Speaker 2: I was when I was walking. I knew I was
• 21:43
  Speaker 2: traumatized when I hear loud noises and I couldn't go
• 21:46
  Speaker 2: outside on the fourth of July no more because I'm
• 21:48
  Speaker 2: thinking I'm getting shot at. I knew I was traumatized
• 21:50
  Speaker 2: when I was just thinking about death and how it
• 21:53
  Speaker 2: could happen and how it could come. But I wasn't
• 21:55
  Speaker 2: afraid of it. I just was more so like this
• 21:57
  Speaker 2: could happen to me. I remember, I knew I was
• 22:00
  Speaker 2: traumatized when I couldn't go to my friend's baby shower
• 22:02
  Speaker 2: because they was doing fireworks too close to her baby shower.
• 22:05
  Speaker 2: And I said I can't go, and nobody understood that.
• 22:08
  Speaker 2: But that pain of just going through this again, because
• 22:11
  Speaker 2: it's like, damn, if I get shot again, I live again,
• 22:13
  Speaker 2: and I lose something else that I really need or
• 22:15
  Speaker 2: you know what I mean, that I really want.
• 22:16
  Speaker 1: I'm not going to.
• 22:22
  Speaker 2: That's what I'm saying, Like I'm not trying to like
• 22:24
  Speaker 2: lose nothing more than what I had. Like I knew
• 22:26
  Speaker 2: I was traumatized when I stopped going certain places because
• 22:29
  Speaker 2: I was in fear of what could happen. That's when
• 22:32
  Speaker 2: I knew I was shamatize shit. I knew I was traumatized,
• 22:35
  Speaker 2: waking up every day thinking that this ship not real,
• 22:38
  Speaker 2: thinking that this shit is a joke. I never really
• 22:42
  Speaker 2: got the chance to show that I was any of
• 22:45
  Speaker 2: these things because so many people around me was calling
• 22:47
  Speaker 2: me strong, strong, strong. Here's a news flash. Check on
• 22:50
  Speaker 2: your strong friends. Check we don't be okay. But if
• 22:53
  Speaker 2: everybody else around us want to feel sad and feel sorry,
• 22:56
  Speaker 2: we're not about to sit there and do the same thing.
• 22:58
  Speaker 2: I never had no other option, had no option to.
• 23:00
  Speaker 1: It's hurt behind that smile.
• 23:02
  Speaker 2: It's a lot of hurt behind it, her behind that
• 23:04
  Speaker 2: I think that he want to wake up blind. You
• 23:06
  Speaker 2: think I want to wake up not walking. It's not
• 23:08
  Speaker 2: what we want, But this is what we gotta deal with.
• 23:09
  Speaker 2: It's what we gotta do. At the end of the day.
• 23:11
  Speaker 2: You're not gonna make me feel no less of myself
• 23:13
  Speaker 2: because of what my situation is. I wasn't born this way.
• 23:16
  Speaker 2: He wasn't born that way, and with people who had
• 23:17
  Speaker 2: to realize it's what could happen to anybody, not just
• 23:20
  Speaker 2: so so y'all got a humble y'allus when y'all cracking
• 23:22
  Speaker 2: jokes and making things, God don't make no mistakes bad and.
• 23:27
  Speaker 1: Try them before I even talk about how then I
• 23:29
  Speaker 1: know I was traumatized. Every day we wake up as
• 23:32
  Speaker 1: a battle. Every day we wake up, you gotta push
• 23:34
  Speaker 1: through to day. It's hard. Some days, I guarantee you
• 23:37
  Speaker 1: even one of us want to get out that bad.
• 23:39
  Speaker 1: It's some days some like I hate the fact that
• 23:42
  Speaker 1: I'm blind and I don't want to live like it's days.
• 23:45
  Speaker 1: But I got to push through it. I gotta maintain
• 23:47
  Speaker 1: it because I got a village that's on my back,
• 23:49
  Speaker 1: that need me. But when I knew, I realized, when
• 23:52
  Speaker 1: I was traumatized when I hit a balloon, pop, I
• 23:55
  Speaker 1: hit the floor. I know I was traumatized when I
• 23:57
  Speaker 1: knew I was traumatized. Every day I wake up, I
• 24:00
  Speaker 1: said that and said, this is gonna be a day
• 24:01
  Speaker 1: that I'm gonna see. And I used to tell people
• 24:03
  Speaker 1: I know, I'm go se today, I'm gonna see tomorrow.
• 24:05
  Speaker 1: I feel a little light coming in my eyes and
• 24:07
  Speaker 1: they get quiet. I know. I know I was traumatized
• 24:10
  Speaker 1: when I didn't want my son around me no more
• 24:13
  Speaker 1: because I felt like I was a target and I
• 24:15
  Speaker 1: didn't want my son or my brother because I didn't
• 24:17
  Speaker 1: want the target to be turned on on. I knew
• 24:21
  Speaker 1: I was traumatized.
• 24:23
  Speaker 2: Like it's just fact.
• 24:25
  Speaker 1: It's so many different ways I go. Like when I
• 24:27
  Speaker 1: was at a I'm at a party and they did
• 24:29
  Speaker 1: a fire crack and I hit the floor and everybody laughed,
• 24:31
  Speaker 1: and it's like it's not funny, like anybody laugh and
• 24:35
  Speaker 1: actually picked me and said, yo, you're right. I'm like yeah,
• 24:38
  Speaker 1: But I try to play it off like as if
• 24:39
  Speaker 1: I tripped or something, but really inside it felt I
• 24:42
  Speaker 1: caught that flashback like I was I was about to
• 24:44
  Speaker 1: get hit again.
• 24:44
  Speaker 2: And that's what That's what PTSD is PCSD for those
• 24:47
  Speaker 2: of you who don't know, it's post traumatic stress disorder,
• 24:50
  Speaker 2: and a lot of gun violence victims have PTSD, whether
• 24:54
  Speaker 2: you know it or not. And that's why a lot
• 24:56
  Speaker 2: of people that go to the army come back and
• 24:57
  Speaker 2: they have mental illness and mental health problems because they
• 25:02
  Speaker 2: stayed and heard and been through a lot.
• 25:04
  Speaker 1: My first eight nine years I suffered with that ship.
• 25:06
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I separate from it from a long time until
• 25:08
  Speaker 2: I went to Atlanta and shout a gun myself. I
• 25:11
  Speaker 2: feel like that was but well, I don't know. I
• 25:14
  Speaker 2: don't know if it's safe for you to do that.
• 25:15
  Speaker 1: Study safe.
• 25:17
  Speaker 2: He thinks that shit is like what's that movie now
• 25:20
  Speaker 2: I see you or some shit.
• 25:21
  Speaker 1: I'm nice like that though. I could do it, though,
• 25:23
  Speaker 1: But trauma that nigga was trained blind. Like trauma had me.
• 25:30
  Speaker 1: Trauma controlled me. Trauma took me under the water, like
• 25:33
  Speaker 1: dragged me under the water. And a lot of people
• 25:35
  Speaker 1: it's like like when I I know I was going
• 25:38
  Speaker 1: through trauma, when I could be in the front and
• 25:40
  Speaker 1: I'm laughing, I'm joking with everybody else, but I go
• 25:41
  Speaker 1: in the bathroom, I take that time and I cry.
• 25:44
  Speaker 1: It's like I'm highing my trauma from the people, and
• 25:47
  Speaker 1: not for nothing that that when you hide trauma from people,
• 25:50
  Speaker 1: that should hurt you even more and really put you
• 25:53
  Speaker 1: through a battle. Because now you're fighting you bet enough,
• 25:55
  Speaker 1: you fighting the trauma already. It's like you fighting two
• 25:58
  Speaker 1: doses of trauma because you fighting the fact that you
• 26:01
  Speaker 1: I'm in the dark and I'm fighting the fact that
• 26:02
  Speaker 1: I'm high in being in a dult from the world.
• 26:05
  Speaker 1: So it's like I was getting my ass shipped from
• 26:07
  Speaker 1: both angles to a point I was ready to give up.
• 26:10
  Speaker 1: Like trauma, I wore trauma. I wore trauma for the
• 26:13
  Speaker 1: first eight years of me being blind. I didn't know
• 26:16
  Speaker 1: how to come out of this shit. I didn't know
• 26:17
  Speaker 1: what to do. I didn't know what to turn. I
• 26:19
  Speaker 1: used to call my grandfather and said, Daddy, I just
• 26:22
  Speaker 1: need you to pray for me. I'm losing and he
• 26:25
  Speaker 1: was like, no, you're not. You're still hear and I'm like, yo,
• 26:27
  Speaker 1: but I'm they whipping my ass. He's like, yo, you
• 26:30
  Speaker 1: gotta stay in there strong. Nobody can't fight this battle
• 26:32
  Speaker 1: with you but you. You and a dog. We not,
• 26:35
  Speaker 1: he said, but best to believe I'm done. My grandfather
• 26:38
  Speaker 1: told me, I'm don king. I'm on the side of
• 26:40
  Speaker 1: that rope. I'm cheering you on. And I laughed. I said,
• 26:43
  Speaker 1: you don king, that mean you robbing men? We laughing,
• 26:46
  Speaker 1: We joked, But for that moment, I understood what he's saying.
• 26:48
  Speaker 1: It's like, we could support you, but we can't fight
• 26:51
  Speaker 1: this trauma. You gotta fight the trauma.
• 26:53
  Speaker 2: Oh you knew, when it's safe to say, you knew
• 26:55
  Speaker 2: your trauma was breaking when you tried to kill yourself.
• 26:57
  Speaker 1: Oh yeah, when I tried to kill myself, That and
• 27:00
  Speaker 1: the try that Trumpa had got me. It took over me.
• 27:02
  Speaker 1: I couldn't deal with it no more. My back was
• 27:04
  Speaker 1: against the wall, and me, being who I am a
• 27:07
  Speaker 1: strong person, almost checked it checked out. I can't swing
• 27:13
  Speaker 1: no more. Like everybody know me, I'm a fair, fearless person.
• 27:17
  Speaker 1: I'm not scared of nothing. I don't bag down for nothing.
• 27:20
  Speaker 1: I'm a swing if I have to. At that moment,
• 27:23
  Speaker 1: I was scared. I was scared of the dog. I
• 27:26
  Speaker 1: was scared of myself. So to claim that back, That's
• 27:29
  Speaker 1: why I say I'm the king of the dog. To
• 27:31
  Speaker 1: claim the dog, because the dog had me. I was scared.
• 27:33
  Speaker 1: I'm waking up to it. I'm going to speak to it.
• 27:35
  Speaker 1: I'm making love in the dog, I'm crying in the dog,
• 27:38
  Speaker 1: I'm laughing in the dog. I'm fighting in the dark.
• 27:41
  Speaker 1: Everything was an adult. It's to a point I didn't
• 27:44
  Speaker 1: I didn't know who was who around me. Like I
• 27:47
  Speaker 1: said in a previous episode, I forgot how my brother looked.
• 27:51
  Speaker 1: Now this is a person that came. We both came
• 27:53
  Speaker 1: other who the cat. I forgot how my brother looked.
• 27:56
  Speaker 1: That shit hurts me the most, hurts me the most.
• 27:59
  Speaker 1: And it's like just when you think and trauma nothing,
• 28:03
  Speaker 1: I could deal with this. I can hit this through
• 28:06
  Speaker 1: and that shit swallows you see.
• 28:08
  Speaker 2: For me, it's different because I've being shot. Isn't my
• 28:13
  Speaker 2: only traumatic experience. As we shared on the other episode,
• 28:15
  Speaker 2: I've been molested. You get what I'm saying. I've been raped.
• 28:19
  Speaker 2: I've been traumatized before I got into a chair. You
• 28:23
  Speaker 2: don't see what I'm saying. So I this might have been
• 28:26
  Speaker 2: the worst trauma. This probably has been the worst trauma.
• 28:29
  Speaker 2: But there's a lot of other things that I've been through.
• 28:32
  Speaker 2: So I've always learned how to put it behind me.
• 28:35
  Speaker 2: You know what I'm saying, And keep going and put
• 28:36
  Speaker 2: that smile on. So for me, it just shows it's
• 28:39
  Speaker 2: just crazy because I'm listening to how you said it.
• 28:41
  Speaker 2: It's just different aspects of how people deal with trauma.
• 28:43
  Speaker 2: I do on my trauma bay, pretending to just be okay,
• 28:46
  Speaker 2: and that that's unhealthy. I know. But as I got older,
• 28:50
  Speaker 2: I started going to therapy. I just recently went to
• 28:52
  Speaker 2: therapy last year, and I did worlchair groups.
• 28:55
  Speaker 1: I did.
• 28:56
  Speaker 2: I did all of that stuff. I did the worlchair groups.
• 28:58
  Speaker 2: I spoke and I've been told people, I don't.
• 29:01
  Speaker 1: Feel like you go ahead therapy.
• 29:03
  Speaker 2: I knew trauma broke me when I thought I was okay.
• 29:06
  Speaker 2: Even when I knew I wasn't, I had to pretend
• 29:08
  Speaker 2: like I was okay. That's how I knew I was broken.
• 29:10
  Speaker 2: But I've never I've never thought about suicide. I've never
• 29:16
  Speaker 2: thought about it because I'm like, because I'm like, this
• 29:18
  Speaker 2: is what God has play at the end of the day.
• 29:21
  Speaker 2: God placed me here because once I got in the chairs,
• 29:24
  Speaker 2: like you know what this is it After I finally
• 29:26
  Speaker 2: accepted it. However, longed that too, because I told my
• 29:29
  Speaker 2: I told everybody. I was walking out the hospital when
• 29:31
  Speaker 2: I ain't walk out the hospital. I'll be walking in
• 29:33
  Speaker 2: the year when I wasn't walking in the year I
• 29:34
  Speaker 2: saw every I'll be walking in five and I wasn't
• 29:36
  Speaker 2: walking in five, I'd be walking out since I just
• 29:40
  Speaker 2: because I'm not suicidal doesn't mean I don't get depressed.
• 29:42
  Speaker 2: And that's what That's what it is. I do get
• 29:44
  Speaker 2: depressed there in there.
• 29:45
  Speaker 1: Ten years, I'm gonna see it again. When I was
• 29:48
  Speaker 1: counting down, people don't understand I was counting down. I
• 29:51
  Speaker 1: kept hearing words in my head in ten years, i'mnna see.
• 29:54
  Speaker 1: When a ten years came and I didn't see that,
• 29:56
  Speaker 1: shit broke me to a point. I called my ex
• 29:58
  Speaker 1: and I was just crying on the phone. What's wrong.
• 30:00
  Speaker 1: I said, y'all, I'm never gonna see it again? And
• 30:02
  Speaker 1: she was like, are you serious. I'm like, I'm deserting.
• 30:05
  Speaker 1: She's like, but you be new this already. I said,
• 30:07
  Speaker 1: but the doctor told me ten years. She's like, Christopher,
• 30:10
  Speaker 1: come on, like and know. Another thing is trauma too.
• 30:14
  Speaker 1: When I keep replaying back that day, what could I
• 30:17
  Speaker 1: did different? Wow? Which way I could have ran? How
• 30:21
  Speaker 1: can I dodge these bullets? That's trauma because you reliving
• 30:25
  Speaker 1: that moment over and over and over, and then after
• 30:27
  Speaker 1: you finished reliving it and you realize nothing would have changed.
• 30:31
  Speaker 1: It wouldn't have been different. Like I gotta leave out
• 30:35
  Speaker 1: of my room to go in the front to a
• 30:36
  Speaker 1: bigger space to really think, to say, I, I just
• 30:41
  Speaker 1: got to be this shit in the past. I gotta
• 30:43
  Speaker 1: leave it in the past before it hurt. I used
• 30:45
  Speaker 1: to talk about it people like, damn, you strong, bro
• 30:47
  Speaker 1: this thing and the third. But when I go home,
• 30:48
  Speaker 1: I got a wine. I just relived that whole moment again.
• 30:51
  Speaker 1: Now I'm crying in there, and now it's like damn,
• 30:53
  Speaker 1: I mean, I'm fighting this shit by myself. Now I
• 30:56
  Speaker 1: can tell my story, I could laugh, I could joke,
• 30:57
  Speaker 1: and I go home and I'm still filling the same
• 30:59
  Speaker 1: place I'm But don't control me. I controlled trauma. I
• 31:02
  Speaker 1: choked that whole.
• 31:03
  Speaker 2: I choked that. I feel like with that for me,
• 31:07
  Speaker 2: as far as controlling and dealing with my trauma, I
• 31:14
  Speaker 2: I give all of that to God for me because
• 31:17
  Speaker 2: I knew the moment.
• 31:18
  Speaker 1: You give it to God. But don't discredit yourself.
• 31:20
  Speaker 2: No, but no, but let me let me tell you
• 31:22
  Speaker 2: why I said what I said. Because my faith is
• 31:24
  Speaker 2: so strong. I believe in God to the fullest. You
• 31:26
  Speaker 2: know what I'm saying, because from the moment that I
• 31:28
  Speaker 2: literally felt myself dying and the moment I started praying,
• 31:31
  Speaker 2: He's been saving me. Anytime that there's anything dark in
• 31:34
  Speaker 2: my life, any type of any type of feeling of
• 31:36
  Speaker 2: sadness or pain or hurting, or any type of controversy
• 31:40
  Speaker 2: in my life, all I gotta do is pray. It
• 31:42
  Speaker 2: may not be the answer I want to hear, but
• 31:43
  Speaker 2: it's gonna be the answers that I need. And God has
• 31:45
  Speaker 2: been saved me. He's been putting me through it. And
• 31:47
  Speaker 2: I can only a credit God to that because God
• 31:48
  Speaker 2: created all of us, and God created me, and God
• 31:51
  Speaker 2: gave me the strength to create. My biggest blessing, and
• 31:54
  Speaker 2: my biggest blessing is my child because if I never
• 31:57
  Speaker 2: I wouldn't. I could have still had kids, but I
• 31:59
  Speaker 2: would never had this exact same baby. If I didn't
• 32:02
  Speaker 2: have my injury. You know what I'm saying, I would
• 32:05
  Speaker 2: have never met I met my son's father on a cesserade.
• 32:07
  Speaker 2: You know what I'm saying. I would have never been
• 32:08
  Speaker 2: on a cesserade. If God's you know what I mean.
• 32:11
  Speaker 2: So and I fucking hate that nigga. Well God, let's
• 32:15
  Speaker 2: cut that out. Jesus Christ. I'm sorry. I don't know
• 32:17
  Speaker 2: what came over, But honestly, it's like my son saved
• 32:21
  Speaker 2: my life because from that moment, it gave me a
• 32:23
  Speaker 2: purpose and I know a lot of people's friend that
• 32:26
  Speaker 2: he's literally my biggest joy, even though he's a little
• 32:29
  Speaker 2: pain in my mass because that little motherfucker got his house.
• 32:31
  Speaker 2: But when I say, he'd be saying shit that I
• 32:34
  Speaker 2: know only God could have put on his heart to
• 32:35
  Speaker 2: tell me, do you want to see what I'm saying?
• 32:37
  Speaker 2: Like the ship that comes out his mouth. And he's
• 32:39
  Speaker 2: only six and he's been saying he's been saying immaculate
• 32:42
  Speaker 2: things since he was a baby. In the way he
• 32:45
  Speaker 2: loves on me, Like we went out to we went
• 32:49
  Speaker 2: to the museum and it was a little girl that
• 32:50
  Speaker 2: we met there and they wanted to hang out the
• 32:52
  Speaker 2: whole time. So he hung out with the little girl
• 32:54
  Speaker 2: and she was like, don't be mad, and I woulda
• 32:56
  Speaker 2: say what's up? She was like why, Like you know,
• 32:59
  Speaker 2: why are you here? Like are you going to walk again?
• 33:01
  Speaker 2: And I'm like, you know, I hope so, but I'm
• 33:03
  Speaker 2: not upset because you know, God is good. And she
• 33:05
  Speaker 2: was like, well, I like you better walking, and I
• 33:07
  Speaker 2: know she didn't mean any type of effeens. But my
• 33:10
  Speaker 2: son came and he had my bag. He was say, well,
• 33:11
  Speaker 2: I love my mommy and her wiel chair. She's beautiful,
• 33:14
  Speaker 2: isn't she. She's a princess. And I was like, oh,
• 33:16
  Speaker 2: you know what I mean. But I know he would
• 33:18
  Speaker 2: be happy to see me walk into And that's that's
• 33:21
  Speaker 2: probably the parts where that's that's the part that's kind
• 33:24
  Speaker 2: of the crazy part with it Trump and plays back
• 33:26
  Speaker 2: into it because it's certain things where I just want
• 33:27
  Speaker 2: to do, like I always say, with my kids, just
• 33:30
  Speaker 2: by myself without anybody, and I got to find a
• 33:33
  Speaker 2: different way around it. And a lot of the time
• 33:35
  Speaker 2: sometimes that includes adding other people onto things, and I
• 33:40
  Speaker 2: don't want to do that shit, cause for the most
• 33:44
  Speaker 2: part I do everything with him by hisself. But things
• 33:46
  Speaker 2: that require obviously like water parks and stuff like that,
• 33:49
  Speaker 2: got to have somebody. We've done the flights by ourselves.
• 33:52
  Speaker 2: We did that, you know what I mean, But yeah,
• 33:55
  Speaker 2: we did it. We I got that out the way
• 33:57
  Speaker 2: it was he was. He loved it. It was smooth
• 33:59
  Speaker 2: and they're very assistant at the airports for the moment.
• 34:02
  Speaker 2: As long as you're not flying with spirit. I tell
• 34:04
  Speaker 2: you about you fly the spirit that's going to be
• 34:05
  Speaker 2: your spirit.
• 34:06
  Speaker 1: Spirit helped me out do do that. I fly spirit,
• 34:08
  Speaker 1: don't do that.
• 34:09
  Speaker 2: Don't do that flying spirits. If it's like we're going
• 34:11
  Speaker 2: to like a cl we gotta be like I'm going today.
• 34:13
  Speaker 1: That's what I ain't going.
• 34:14
  Speaker 2: That's got to be like a quick.
• 34:15
  Speaker 1: Little little one two hour and a half.
• 34:18
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I still don't even like my last song Overdre
• 34:21
  Speaker 2: I did, I did American, I can't do in the spirit.
• 34:25
  Speaker 1: Trauma Chari lives around us, like being in adult and
• 34:28
  Speaker 1: halving my son. That's trauma because it's things that my
• 34:31
  Speaker 1: son be one to ask for us to do it,
• 34:33
  Speaker 1: and then he has stopped and then it's like forget
• 34:35
  Speaker 1: it because he don't want to make me feel.
• 34:37
  Speaker 2: He don't want you to feel it.
• 34:38
  Speaker 1: And it's like ship, my son don't give a fuck.
• 34:40
  Speaker 2: He'll say it, mommy, Mommy, I know you can't do
• 34:43
  Speaker 2: it because you can't walk. See that's the thing he's
• 34:45
  Speaker 2: gonna say that. Ship.
• 34:46
  Speaker 1: Like a couple of weeks ago, I had to break
• 34:48
  Speaker 1: down because my son. He like, I don't want you
• 34:50
  Speaker 1: to he fall back from acting me things because he
• 34:55
  Speaker 1: don't want me to fell away. And then I called
• 34:57
  Speaker 1: my brother and I cried the phone and I'm screaming, Nigga,
• 35:02
  Speaker 1: I'm just asking for you to fucking help me. Bro,
• 35:05
  Speaker 1: Just help me, And he's like, yo, Bro, what do
• 35:07
  Speaker 1: you yo? Bro? Take them to the park, teach him
• 35:09
  Speaker 1: how to shoot the part. I can't do it. Help me, Bro,
• 35:12
  Speaker 1: help me because I don't want my son to get
• 35:14
  Speaker 1: lost in the streets. Help me, Bro, He like, I
• 35:18
  Speaker 1: give what you're saying. Bro, I'm gonna be there. That's
• 35:20
  Speaker 1: all I asks. Bro, Just help me. He like, I
• 35:22
  Speaker 1: give what you're saying. I said, I man, even if
• 35:25
  Speaker 1: we can't do it, Bro, I'm gonna figure this shit out.
• 35:27
  Speaker 1: If I can't do it, somebody gonna do it for us,
• 35:29
  Speaker 1: Like do not hold back from talking aboudy this that.
• 35:32
  Speaker 1: And then I just gotta go in the bedroom and
• 35:34
  Speaker 1: just talk to Gud like God, like you brought me back,
• 35:37
  Speaker 1: Like my connection started with God. When I got shot.
• 35:40
  Speaker 1: I was on the floor. I was talking to him
• 35:42
  Speaker 1: and I just felt like I signed a contract with him,
• 35:44
  Speaker 1: Like I'm gonna give you lifema. I'm gonna take you
• 35:47
  Speaker 1: off this floor. But you gotta be my voice. You
• 35:50
  Speaker 1: gotta be the voice. I was never on positive timing
• 35:53
  Speaker 1: like this before telling people put guns down. I was
• 35:56
  Speaker 1: never doing that shit. I'm like that little niggas. A
• 35:58
  Speaker 1: little nigga can't tell her a nigga what to do.
• 36:00
  Speaker 1: Th he gonna do whatever he want to do regardless. See.
• 36:02
  Speaker 3: No, I think that's a great segue into like because
• 36:04
  Speaker 3: French you kind of explained it already, but from your perspective,
• 36:06
  Speaker 3: how did trying to bring you closer to guy?
• 36:09
  Speaker 1: Yeah, so it's like I'm on that floor. Guy. I mean,
• 36:13
  Speaker 1: it's like I never took to guard and people lied
• 36:16
  Speaker 1: with it. Oh, I'm a real When I got shot,
• 36:18
  Speaker 1: when I was on the I'm like, God, this can't
• 36:19
  Speaker 1: be my life, Like please help me, like get me
• 36:23
  Speaker 1: off this floor. Like I'm talking to him, but he's
• 36:27
  Speaker 1: not talking back. He talking, but sometimes like you don't
• 36:32
  Speaker 1: got to get a response back to know that he's there.
• 36:35
  Speaker 1: Because I got shot three times, got shot twice in
• 36:37
  Speaker 1: the head. All right, Friends that got shot in the
• 36:38
  Speaker 1: arm and died, friends that got shot to toss one
• 36:40
  Speaker 1: died shot in the Lagan died twice in my head,
• 36:44
  Speaker 1: he picked me up off the floor to put me
• 36:46
  Speaker 1: on that stretcher. They was about to take me to
• 36:49
  Speaker 1: Brookdale for the EMT to go on my wallet and
• 36:51
  Speaker 1: see I'm the EMT to take me to King's County
• 36:55
  Speaker 1: three Age Recovery EMT before I got shot?
• 36:58
  Speaker 2: Wow? So how did that feel from being the first
• 37:01
  Speaker 2: and that helped people like person like my life.
• 37:05
  Speaker 1: Felt like my life got snatch. I worked, I changed
• 37:08
  Speaker 1: my life to be AMT. I work hard for it.
• 37:10
  Speaker 1: So when that all happened, I said, God, like, why
• 37:12
  Speaker 1: the fuck is wasting my time? Not knowing that he
• 37:15
  Speaker 1: was breaking me down to build me back up to
• 37:16
  Speaker 1: a person that like I was like I was. I
• 37:22
  Speaker 1: thought I changed, but I still was the same person.
• 37:24
  Speaker 1: I still had the same train of thought. I didn't
• 37:27
  Speaker 1: grow when I thought I did. So when I got shot,
• 37:30
  Speaker 1: it was God a way of saying, I'm gonna break
• 37:33
  Speaker 1: you down, but I'm gonna build you the way I
• 37:34
  Speaker 1: want to build you.
• 37:36
  Speaker 2: So that's the word right there. Chris took my vision.
• 37:40
  Speaker 1: Now it's like I'm not just talking for the people
• 37:42
  Speaker 1: that got vision that's home that don't know how to
• 37:45
  Speaker 1: get out of it. I'm talking to the people. That's
• 37:47
  Speaker 1: that's that's blind. I say, I'm the voice of the
• 37:49
  Speaker 1: same because I feel like we left out every day.
• 37:51
  Speaker 1: I say God, like, if this is what you want
• 37:53
  Speaker 1: me to do, God like, just guid me, like you don't,
• 37:57
  Speaker 1: just got me. He'll give me a sign. I get
• 38:00
  Speaker 1: a d M. This is the reason why I'm doing this. God.
• 38:04
  Speaker 1: If this ana my son got into the school. My
• 38:06
  Speaker 1: son he committed to a school, and I said there,
• 38:08
  Speaker 1: say God, I really don't want to go to this school.
• 38:11
  Speaker 1: I don't. I'm your voice. I'm doing your work. Just
• 38:15
  Speaker 1: protect my son and put your hands on my son
• 38:17
  Speaker 1: because I can't afford it. His God has counsel call
• 38:20
  Speaker 1: and said p Tech is ready for him. My son
• 38:23
  Speaker 1: was on the wait unless he was on one hundred.
• 38:25
  Speaker 1: We pulled the strings. He in p TECH. I'm like like,
• 38:29
  Speaker 1: now I don't I don't question you God. Even if
• 38:32
  Speaker 1: you gotta take my blessings off of me and put
• 38:34
  Speaker 1: it on my child, then I'm here. I'm I'm his sacrifice.
• 38:38
  Speaker 1: I'm here to do it. So before it was like
• 38:42
  Speaker 1: I'm living like a demon. Now I'm not scared to
• 38:45
  Speaker 1: sit and say that God is in me. I believe
• 38:48
  Speaker 1: in God. I listen to God. I think about things
• 38:51
  Speaker 1: like that. Even with the podcast, I'm like, God got
• 38:54
  Speaker 1: me in the right direction, let me know what is what?
• 38:57
  Speaker 1: And he bought me with I ran through so many
• 39:00
  Speaker 1: different producers brought me wal Me and Wolf went from
• 39:03
  Speaker 1: a working relationship to a friendship to family right Like
• 39:08
  Speaker 1: I could send him with my card knowing that he
• 39:09
  Speaker 1: ain't gonna do no bullshit. I trust Wolf, like Wolf, God,
• 39:14
  Speaker 1: my whole rundown, my whole spell. And I never let
• 39:16
  Speaker 1: a nigga get close to me like that before in
• 39:17
  Speaker 1: my life. That's God doing. I said, God, let me
• 39:20
  Speaker 1: know if this is the right thing, like Frenchy being
• 39:22
  Speaker 1: part of this podcast. Let me know what the right
• 39:24
  Speaker 1: thing alright? God and I always talk about you like
• 39:28
  Speaker 1: me and Wolf talking like nah, frenchie, frenchie, hell bro.
• 39:31
  Speaker 1: She just't like, yeah, the French you got. We just
• 39:32
  Speaker 1: gotta lock in. And I look at us, we're locking in.
• 39:35
  Speaker 1: We're strong. It's like we are one two combo. When
• 39:38
  Speaker 1: Tiho will set up there saying like wait, hold up, brother,
• 39:41
  Speaker 1: he's blinding you in a wheelchair, like the nigga say,
• 39:44
  Speaker 1: how y'all mother, feel like nigga feel like. But I
• 39:47
  Speaker 1: laughed at that ship because no a lot, I'm living
• 39:50
  Speaker 1: in my purpose.
• 39:51
  Speaker 2: No funny shake. God does everything for me.
• 39:53
  Speaker 1: And then I look at it like emt right.
• 39:55
  Speaker 2: I was hurt.
• 39:56
  Speaker 1: I was made. God took that away from me because
• 39:58
  Speaker 1: it's like, Nigga, you bigger than saving people from New
• 40:00
  Speaker 1: York City. You saving you saving people across the world.
• 40:04
  Speaker 1: So why are you tripping over New York City when
• 40:06
  Speaker 1: you're touching people across the world. Shout out like I said,
• 40:08
  Speaker 1: rest in peace to mac he. He came to in
• 40:11
  Speaker 1: and he cried. He hugged me, and I wasn't used
• 40:13
  Speaker 1: to it. I'm like, what are you crying for? He said, Yo,
• 40:15
  Speaker 1: you understand. My family didn't understand how I felt until
• 40:18
  Speaker 1: I put your podcasts on and let them listen to
• 40:21
  Speaker 1: it what you went through. And I sat there and
• 40:23
  Speaker 1: my friend was like, damn, bro, the streets is not
• 40:26
  Speaker 1: your home. No more jump back on the sidewalk. Bro,
• 40:28
  Speaker 1: It's cool. I think.
• 40:30
  Speaker 3: I think this is the perfect segue to get into
• 40:32
  Speaker 3: our last part, which is how trauma gave y'all purpose.
• 40:36
  Speaker 2: Trauma gave me purpose because I've been helping people in
• 40:39
  Speaker 2: different ways. But now I'm able to help people in
• 40:42
  Speaker 2: the way that God intended me for and asked for
• 40:44
  Speaker 2: my voice to be heard. I always wondered why it
• 40:46
  Speaker 2: was always outspoken. I always wonder why I always just
• 40:49
  Speaker 2: wanted to be on TV. I was always in every
• 40:51
  Speaker 2: school performance. I was always just being a friend, and
• 40:54
  Speaker 2: I was always just trying to save everybody. It was.
• 40:57
  Speaker 2: I put me here because me in this situation, so
• 41:02
  Speaker 2: that my voice could be heard all over and knock
• 41:04
  Speaker 2: on a lot. The wheelchair got me through doors that
• 41:06
  Speaker 2: when I was walking I probably would never get in.
• 41:08
  Speaker 1: Amen.
• 41:09
  Speaker 2: So at the end of the day, I'm grateful I
• 41:10
  Speaker 2: met some amazing people along the way. My support system
• 41:14
  Speaker 2: is strong, its thorough. I have an amazing mother every
• 41:21
  Speaker 2: day because my mother quit her job and worked full
• 41:25
  Speaker 2: top just to be there with me. You know what
• 41:28
  Speaker 2: I mean. From the day that I was shot, everything
• 41:30
  Speaker 2: that I told my mom I wanted to do, she
• 41:32
  Speaker 2: supported it. My child. She's an amazing grandmother to him.
• 41:37
  Speaker 2: She had him all week just because she knew this
• 41:39
  Speaker 2: week was gonna be busy for me and because this
• 41:41
  Speaker 2: was my fourteenth anniversary of being shot. Shout out to
• 41:44
  Speaker 2: my mother. I thank God for her every day. I
• 41:46
  Speaker 2: thank God for my dad as well, because a lot
• 41:47
  Speaker 2: of people can't even say that they have a father.
• 41:49
  Speaker 2: My dad took me out on the day that I
• 41:51
  Speaker 2: got injured, and he was the first person I seen
• 41:53
  Speaker 2: in that ambulance. He got to the ambulance, he got
• 41:56
  Speaker 2: to the MDLASS before the Amblians got you know what
• 41:58
  Speaker 2: I'm saying, Like my dad was on that car with me.
• 42:00
  Speaker 2: Like I'm grateful for the parents of that that I have.
• 42:02
  Speaker 2: I'm glad that they put me and instilled in the
• 42:04
  Speaker 2: confidence that they instilled in me, and that I'm able
• 42:07
  Speaker 2: to be the person that I have. My purpose is
• 42:09
  Speaker 2: to be here for the people that I love and
• 42:11
  Speaker 2: for the people that I love to know that I'm okay,
• 42:14
  Speaker 2: and for me to show my child like it's my
• 42:17
  Speaker 2: main old sucker regardless, Like I made shit work and
• 42:20
  Speaker 2: I ain't letting nothing break me like you said. I
• 42:22
  Speaker 2: might have been, but I'm not gonna have a baking wills,
• 42:24
  Speaker 2: big wills, big bag, big money.
• 42:27
  Speaker 1: He stopped.
• 42:28
  Speaker 2: But yeah, my purpose is just to to help people.
• 42:32
  Speaker 2: I REALI to use my pain to heal people, to
• 42:35
  Speaker 2: be frenchy.
• 42:36
  Speaker 1: Yeah, and that's fabulous, that's clap because fourteen years and
• 42:41
  Speaker 1: were still here fourteen years, fourteen.
• 42:44
  Speaker 2: With fifty cents that he got hit like I got
• 42:46
  Speaker 2: here and here fucking breathing like That's what I'm saying.
• 42:49
  Speaker 1: And the reason why I'm clapping for fourteen years because no,
• 42:52
  Speaker 1: lock people can't.
• 42:54
  Speaker 2: A day it's somebody, it's somebody that just commit suicide.
• 43:00
  Speaker 2: They were in a chair.
• 43:00
  Speaker 1: I can't, it's too much.
• 43:02
  Speaker 2: I can't pretend to not know those feelings. And I
• 43:06
  Speaker 2: can't pretend to know those feelings because I've never wanted
• 43:08
  Speaker 2: to do that to myself. But I do feel for
• 43:11
  Speaker 2: you and your for her family, for her life. That's
• 43:14
  Speaker 2: the tragedy, and suicide is real. Make sure you check
• 43:17
  Speaker 2: on your strong friends, because she was smiling every day
• 43:20
  Speaker 2: from the post that I've seen people, your friends, people
• 43:23
  Speaker 2: loved her so much. Not everybody is built to live
• 43:25
  Speaker 2: a life that they wasn't born with.
• 43:28
  Speaker 1: Living in the wheale chair is not the problem. Being
• 43:29
  Speaker 1: in the dog is not the problem. It's trying to
• 43:31
  Speaker 1: maintain that same life that you were living as the problem.
• 43:34
  Speaker 2: And we still got to do with y'all gotta deal
• 43:36
  Speaker 2: with because people think we get a sci you're good
• 43:39
  Speaker 2: that ain't no money.
• 43:40
  Speaker 1: I gonna talk about that episode. You're not you gonna
• 43:44
  Speaker 1: talk about that. But my purpose, my purpose is my son,
• 43:48
  Speaker 1: like my daughter, my niece, my nephews, my mother. It's
• 43:52
  Speaker 1: like my my purpose here to be the voice to
• 43:56
  Speaker 1: motivate people like I motivate. I didn't know I motivate people.
• 44:01
  Speaker 1: I just thought people just love to hit me talk
• 44:03
  Speaker 1: until like I start seeing people doing the work when
• 44:06
  Speaker 1: I talk. My purpose is to keep ain't allowed to
• 44:10
  Speaker 1: keep people alive. I feel like if I don't speak,
• 44:14
  Speaker 1: and I wasn't who I was, a lot of I
• 44:16
  Speaker 1: would have been going to a lot more funerals. I
• 44:19
  Speaker 1: talk people off that age, Yo, bro, it ain't worth it.
• 44:22
  Speaker 1: Why you gotta walk around with your gun? They look
• 44:24
  Speaker 1: people looking at me like yo, since when you start
• 44:26
  Speaker 1: talking like this. But it's like my purpose for us
• 44:29
  Speaker 1: to get through this year and next year, like we
• 44:32
  Speaker 1: gotta live. We gotta talk about this shit ten twenty
• 44:34
  Speaker 1: thirty years from now to say like we survived it.
• 44:36
  Speaker 1: We don't got it. We don't got to do this
• 44:38
  Speaker 1: shit no more that we've been doing with me with kids,
• 44:40
  Speaker 1: Like my purpose is to save people, to be the
• 44:43
  Speaker 1: voice that a person that can't speak for hisself. I
• 44:46
  Speaker 1: am that voice and it's.
• 44:48
  Speaker 2: Like and also to add on, my purpose is to
• 44:51
  Speaker 2: show other people in my situation that it's not the end.
• 44:54
  Speaker 1: You can survive.
• 44:55
  Speaker 2: You could still keep going because look at me, baby,
• 44:57
  Speaker 2: fourteen years and I still look good. Hell clocke, the
• 45:01
  Speaker 2: fuck me.
• 45:02
  Speaker 1: My purpose is for every blind person out there, to
• 45:04
  Speaker 1: let them know that you're not in adult not and
• 45:07
  Speaker 1: you're not a dog by yourself like we all around.
• 45:11
  Speaker 1: My purpose to show people like disablers do have a voice.
• 45:14
  Speaker 1: Even if you death mute line in the wheelchairser repose,
• 45:18
  Speaker 1: it don't matter. You still got a voice. I'm I'm
• 45:21
  Speaker 1: a child of purpose, like I got a purpose all
• 45:25
  Speaker 1: over me. But like no I can honestly say say
• 45:28
  Speaker 1: I wouldn't be who I am today if it wasn't
• 45:31
  Speaker 1: for my mother, if it wasn't for my son's man,
• 45:34
  Speaker 1: my daughter Tana Chloe, my tweety Bird, Boobie Tinky Man,
• 45:38
  Speaker 1: Woody Sonaria, like my nieces and my nephews, like they
• 45:44
  Speaker 1: give me life. Days I felt like I can't go
• 45:46
  Speaker 1: no more, and I just like damn god it like
• 45:49
  Speaker 1: you brought me as far as just the end and
• 45:51
  Speaker 1: my niece are busting the door and like your boys's
• 45:54
  Speaker 1: hair and they jump on my neck and I love you,
• 45:56
  Speaker 1: Uncle Chris, And I'm like, I can't. I can't leave them,
• 46:00
  Speaker 1: Like they four years old. They gonna need how wisdom
• 46:03
  Speaker 1: when they get older to let them know this is
• 46:05
  Speaker 1: not cool, this is not saved. It like, watch out
• 46:07
  Speaker 1: for this, stay out the streets. It's okay to be
• 46:10
  Speaker 1: a sidewalk person. Don't fall to peer of pressure, like
• 46:13
  Speaker 1: that's my purpose. My son is fourteen, like I gotta
• 46:17
  Speaker 1: keep my hands up on the back of his neck
• 46:19
  Speaker 1: to make sure you don't slip through the cracks. That's
• 46:21
  Speaker 1: my purpose. Like and I'm I'm glad that I'm here
• 46:25
  Speaker 1: on the I'm here on the catch. Well you ain't
• 46:27
  Speaker 1: on the couch. You're in your own chair. That's bad,
• 46:29
  Speaker 1: like Parker right there. But I'm glad they be on
• 46:32
  Speaker 1: this podcast with you. I'm glad to have with in
• 46:34
  Speaker 1: my life. That the goal and shit like ever since
• 46:37
  Speaker 1: how I put the right people around me, my life
• 46:39
  Speaker 1: been going so much better.
• 46:40
  Speaker 2: Amen and I share the same sentiments. And we're just
• 46:45
  Speaker 2: happy that we could be here for the people that
• 46:46
  Speaker 2: support us and the people that love us.
• 46:48
  Speaker 1: Don't run from your purpose. Step in that ship, Step
• 46:51
  Speaker 1: in that ship, step in it. And even if you
• 46:53
  Speaker 1: can't walk rolling that ship.
• 46:55
  Speaker 2: And if you can't stand up, stand out, I always help.
• 46:58
  Speaker 2: So that's it. And that's another episode.
• 47:00
  Speaker 1: BLAM and I C podcast where they can find you
• 47:03
  Speaker 1: at Frenchie ain't gonna lie Wolf, Wolf make you want
• 47:08
  Speaker 1: to go back to therapy got you, Trauma, got you
• 47:11
  Speaker 1: reliving trauma and all that shit everybody got you.
• 47:14
  Speaker 2: Decide.
• 47:15
  Speaker 1: So if this episode really touch you and it helps you,
• 47:19
  Speaker 1: thank Wolf. We're not taking the credit for this, And make.
• 47:21
  Speaker 2: Sure to like, share and subscribe because I'm We're happy
• 47:23
  Speaker 2: that you guys are watching. We're happy that you guys
• 47:25
  Speaker 2: tell a friend teller friend friend te friend because support
• 47:27
  Speaker 2: is free. Thank you, Hello and Trauma if you support us.
• 47:32
  Speaker 1: Yeah, it definitely w was you feel me? I feel
• 47:35
  Speaker 1: so much better. I can smag really mean it and
• 47:38
  Speaker 1: you can find me out the official Blonde stuff and YC,
• 47:41
  Speaker 1: or you can just tap into BLA, I S N
• 47:43
  Speaker 1: y C. We didn each and every Wednesday, and me
• 47:45
  Speaker 1: and French are about to set up a versus battle.
• 47:47
  Speaker 1: I'm a dust though. Yeah, you can't now pick your
• 47:50
  Speaker 1: twenty I picked my twenty on Monica. I'm Brandy, I'm Joasy,
• 47:53
  Speaker 1: I'm Kcy, I'm joking, I'm I'm all that baby. But
• 47:56
  Speaker 1: another episode of I Podcasts and we are there, pe.
• 48:02
  Speaker 2: That was the good one.