Latest / Rock My Finances / Soul Sisters Series Dish on relationships, therapy & coaching. Episode #7

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Soul Sisters Series Dish on relationships, therapy & coaching. Episode #7 · Rock My Finances

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It's not about the zeros, So what is it all about? Let's find
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out? Now. Here's your host and weekly friend, Jennifer Jos Are you
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ready to rock my finances? I love being able to say that, and
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I feel so good when I actually can say I am totally rocking my finances.
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Because, let's face it, there's good days and there's bad days.
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Sometimes we care, sometimes we don't. Sometimes we feel a little negative and
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crunchy about our money, and that's when we start attracting not so great things
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happening in our life. So we want to make sure that we stay on
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the positive frame of mind. And if we can't, then don't even think
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about your money. Don't even go towards your money. Think about something else
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that brings you joy. It could be your cat, it could be your
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dog, it could be your family, It could be just my cup.
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Like I love my sparkly cup, so this warms my heart. Right my
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phone case. I love my phone case. It's purple, it's my favorite
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color. I love my surfboard. So I know that sounds really strange,
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but if you have to pay a bill that you're crunchy about and you don't
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want to do it, just get her done. But then change your focus
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immediately to something that you love, right, something that brings you joy in
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your heart, and you're bringing that emotion inside your body, which is actually
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bringing in serotonin and dopamine. So it's like a free high. It's like
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a free yummy feeling in your body. We're going to talk about all of
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that today. I'm so excited Soul Sister's series, and I think we're at
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episode number seven now we are going to bring on Miss Denise Carbone right now,
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our special needs expert and my true friend, Hi, my love,
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Hello, Miss Jennifer and the rest of you. I'm so excited to be
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here, ready to rock my finances. I love it. I love it.
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Denise has been working with me for many years, so she says that
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all the time, my finance is true. It's awesome. So our Soul
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Sister series usually has Karen Kavanaugh and Petlin Swart, and Peterlin's out for the
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day. She's busy doing her other things, and Karen's leaving a meeting,
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so we'll see if she shows in. She'll she'll just pop in soon.
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However, doesn't matter, because Denise and I are going to dish like we
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are going to have a good time. We're going to talk today, right
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we always last month. I wasn't here because I was in Nashville, so
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it's just we we I love it when all four of us are here because
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it's super fun and we continue anyway whoever can make it, there you go,
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because it's all about fun the F word, right up. We're here
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to have fun for sure. I love it. So today our topic is
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coaching therapy, maybe the difference between coaching and therapy, and then we're gonna
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talk about relationships. And I need your help Denise on relationships, so we
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will talk about that at the second half. But I have a great question
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for you that's gonna be live and I don't care, but because I need
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to know, so you know me sounds good. I'm talking about relationships.
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You know that, right, It'll be fun. So let's talk about the
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difference between coaching and therapy. Let me ask you, I mean, if
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you don't have to answer anything you don't want to answer, of course,
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but have you ever been to therapy? I don't even know. Absolutely have
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yes, and so I thank you. I fully know I can answer or
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not answer any questions, and I will try to answer everything that you shoot
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at me because I do like to be vulnerable. But I have. I've
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been to therapy three times in my life. The first time was when I
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was going through a divorce in the nineties, which was a horrible experience for
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me and time in my life, and that back then, that's the only
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thing I knew. I didn't know that there are divorce coaches like you,
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ladies, and that you could actually there is. In the nineties, I
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had no idea that there was anything like that, or I would have probably
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gone to a doors coach. But I was in therapy for years around that,
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and then I went back to the same therapist. I loved her.
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She was fantastic, loved her. She was extremely helpful. It was different
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than self help stuff and coaching I now understand. But I went back to
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her after my dad passing transition after he died and I was plummeted into grief.
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So she was the resource that I knew to kind of help with feelings
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and things of that nature, you know, the F word stuff. And
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I went back a third time again to see her. She was my go
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to gal when I was in a relationship that was not moving forward. This
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was my relationship Luna. Yes, I missed my cat and miss Luna's crawling
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all over the darn place, so her I went back in again a third
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time when I was in relationship with Frank and completely confused and didn't understand.
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You know, it's funny because back then it was like, what am I
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doing wrong? Why are we not moving forward? Why are we not getting
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married? At having kids? You know, shows you what place I was
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in back then. But I's everyone in that type of relationshi ship, right,
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So we'll talk about that at the second half for sure. Yeah.
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So I have been in therapy, and I am a believer that there's a
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very solid and strong place for therapy and therapists. And I also think it's
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very different than coaching, which is great too. I love that. I
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love that as well. So let's dive into a couple of points that you
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mentioned. I also was in therapy for many years after my kids passed and
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or actually before going through the divorce, right, and it really did help
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me a lot. I was in twelve steps like since I was in high
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school, so I was always aware of my feelings and all that type,
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but the therapist helped me diagnose where those feelings were kind of coming from,
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and so it took a lot of relief off of myself because we literally can
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think we're insane. Like we could walk down the street and see all these
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people happy and we're like just going, I don't get it. Am I
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literally insane? So I think therapy, like you said, is a great
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point. In fact, check out another podcast past episode with It's Michael Land,
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right, she was so good and you really brought out Michael Lane's beautiful
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gifts to the world. She's amazing. She's she's a friend, client and
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therapist. Um, and she's amazing. So we do need it. I
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think if in fact, I'd love everyone to have a year of therapy before
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they get married or before they have a child. Oh my god, would
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not change the world, right, change the best? Right, it would
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like, let's have this in our senior year in school, right, like
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this should be setting this up for success. You're absolutely right, because we
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need a foundation, right, yeah, and let's deal what I love from
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the past, like, because that's really in my mind, therapy is about
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the past, right, it's looking at bringing up past issues from childhood like
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you might be in the as you you pointed out with with your relationship podcast
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too, that we're going to dish on later, but the that women in
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particular, we tend to show what a kuta all over ourselves, right,
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And so if we were able to clean up the past before we get into
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relationships or before having kids, what a world or what a difference it would
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be. It would be right, we would be picking different people. Like
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I always said, my picker was broken, but it wasn't necessarily Yeah,
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you're too right, but it wasn't broken. We picked who we were at
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that point exactly. We attracted them. We attracted them. So as you
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can tell, Denise is my law attraction buddy, that we are. We
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text every day on our law of attraction stuff. In fact, I'm going
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to drag her back here to another podcast. It's gonna be just Denise and
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I. We're gonna talk about Abraham Hicks and law of attraction. We're gonna
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blast. It's gonna be fun. Ye. So, yes, we attract.
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Like they used to say, you seek your equal, right and so
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if you want to have a better equal, then get your butt to therapy
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and clear out your old crap. Exactly right. And so I love that
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you said that you went through it for relationship stuff. You went through it
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through grief stuff. And you said a very important statement. What did I
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say when I lost? I think it was your dad. Yeah, you
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knew who to go to because you had a resource. Yeah. That just
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gives me chills. So having a therapist just now, like for anyone,
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it doesn't need a need to be a reason, just to have someone in
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your back pocket that knows you that you can go to when the shit hits
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the fan. Like, I love that you pointed that out. I really
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really love that. Okay, good. Next question. What's the difference of
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a therapist and a coach? Oh? Great question. I think there's a
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big difference. And I didn't understand that until I started hiring coaches for myself,
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right, And I think the first coaches that I hired were actually for
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my business, to help my business along, right special advantage. And I
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thought that my coaches would always only help me with my business. They actually
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helped me look at every aspect of my life. Because as Jennifer, I
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know, you say, as well, how you do one thing, it's
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how you do everything. And so if you have stuff like even money stuff
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or stuff that you're crunchy on in your relationships, it's going to bleed into
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your business. Right. So for me, what I like to tell my
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clients as they come to me, I'm very upfront. I'm like, I
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do not work like a traditional therapist or even most coaches, you know,
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As I said, therapy kind of addresses issues from the past. In my
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mind, coaching helps people live in the present moment and helps create the life
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that they absolutely want to love for the future. And so to me,
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that's what coaching is about. It's like, let's look at what's going on
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in your life right now and what we can do to make it even better,
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right, because I think that all change happens in the now, right,
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And that's what I think a coach is really really good at they focus
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on because oftentimes my clients are like so far out into the future, they're
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freaking out, they're worried, they're anxious, especially right now, my God,
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like, my families are worrying because things are. Schools are closing right
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for the summer, and there's all these transitions, and they're already worrying about
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the next year because it's going to be different teachers, different therapists, different
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school and so I try to help them live in the present moment and focus
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on what they can control right now to set them and their families up for
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success for the future. I love that Hello, miss Jill Hampton, my
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sister just popped on and said, Hey, I need these, I needed
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these ladies. Yes, we are here for you, my of I love
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that you popped on to answer ask some questions, So feel free to dish
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in. We're gonna grab Jill one day for a podcast as well. So
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Denise, I literally love that you said in the now. So since people
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might not know who would be your clients, be like to say a little
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bit about that so we can follow along with you. So I help parents
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that have children with special needs or are NORO divergent who wonder if they're doing
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all the right things to help their child make progress. And so I work
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with the kids to help them make progress. But I also work with the
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parents on whatever they're frustrated around or struggling with and keeping them stuck and worry,
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anxiety, stress, and overwhelmed. That's awesome, Okay, great,
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So yeah, you can imagine the stress and overwhelm in that lifestyle. That
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would just be crazy crazy. I'm so glad you're there to support them.
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So I feel like just because I don't know, but being in the now
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now because you have to get stuff done, but you're so worried about the
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future, like oh my gosh, you would be being pulled in every which
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way. Correct, absolutely, I kind of I've developed an analogy that works
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for my mind. I think of it like like, it's a tree,
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right, and most people are going to focus on the leaves of the tree.
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This is the sign for tree. For those of you that you can
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see me, right, this is a sign for tree. Most people are
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focused on the leaves, the obvious stuff. But what I like to do
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and what coaches like to do Jennifer does this as well, is we like
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to go down into the roots to help the things longer term, right,
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the things that really matter. Would we address the things that are toxic maybe
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so that way the roots can pull up the nutrients that the tree needs to
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help keep it grow strong and healthy and be vibrant and not look dead or
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choked off, right or whatever it is like that you look at the tree
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and go, oh man, that's an ugly looking trade maybe for the day
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or the season, but we really want to fix it for the lifetime going
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forward. And it's also not creating dependency either. It's helping them at least
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for me personally. I don't want to create dependency. I want them to
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understand how to coach themselves. Moment Oh I love that. Yeah, yeah,
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that way, they didn't. They don't need me over time, right,
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I was going every week for years. I was so dependent on how
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to fix my stuff in the moment. Yes, I was too. I
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was like ten years. I was on the couch for basically ten years,
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and I didn't know there was a difference back in. This is in the
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nineties as well, So I don't even know if we had the availability to
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other people like we do now. So I absolutely totally get that. And
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we are teaching them coaches we'll say week because we're just giving ourselves a little
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plug because we have to be badass coaches. However, coaches help you,
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like so may Voo's one of my coaches that I've had, and she said,
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I'm sitting next to you in the driver's seat. We're looking through the
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windshield going forward. We glance in the rear view mirror just because we need
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to know where it came from, but then we keep our eye on the
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windshield. So that's the difference of a coach in therapy. Just like everything
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you said, Denise, I love that, and so we do provide tools
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for you to take these forever. So when I coach you on money,
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you have these tools for the rest of your life. So, right,
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Jennifer and your voice, and how many coaches have you had where this happens
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with you as well? Right? Your voice is in my ear going forward.
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Right, So I might get crunchy around the money thing and they'd be
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like, oh, what would Jennifer do? What would Jennifer tell me about
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this? How would Jennifer coach me through this? Right? Because I'm on
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your call every Friday, and I love it because you seriously focus on what
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we need in the moment individually, like you see us and help us through
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it. And so when you're not there, when I don't reach out to
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you, you're in my head. And I've had the same thing for people
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that I work with, And and you're right, we're we're in the driver's
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were there in the driver's seat, Our clients are in the driver's seat,
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or we are if it's our own crap, right, and um, the
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coach is usually right next to us in the passenger's seat, and sometimes we
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have to pull over and park because we're afraid to go away our clients.
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Let me see this with our clients, right, Like, i don't know
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which direction to go, so I'm just gonna pull over in stall. I
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just get the hell out of the car. Girl, I'm not even getting
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in the damn car, like I'm gonna run back, like I'm just going
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to dive into the sand, like I'm not even get in the damn car
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at times. Right, it's so great. I love it. And um
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men, if you're out there listening, you're amazing as well. And women,
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I think we both do this. We need communities, Oh absolutely right.
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Men have sports and they I think they knew before we did that we
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needed a community. So they're smart in creating all these sports for our country
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and world. And women we tend to try to do it by ourselves,
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like we're together when we're younger, right, Like, we never do anything
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by ourselves when we're younger, And then all of a sudden, we get
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to a place where we end a relationship or something and we try to do
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things on our own, Like what the hell, why are we trying to
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do things on our own when we work better, we don't want anybody to
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see us screwing up. Right, Oh, I feel like when we're in
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the ship, right, sorry for the other thing, I'm not perfect.
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Oh my god. Yeah, when I'm not perfect. You know this,
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Jennifer, Oh my god, you are. You and I are such good
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friends, and our soul sisters Karen and Petelin know this about me as well.
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When I'm not showing up, that's the time to worry, right,
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I isolate and I know that that's very very common for women. Right.
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We don't ask for help, but we need it. We are the ones
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that provide help. And so yeah, I don't want to show people when
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I'm not perfect. That's when we need community. And that's that's we need
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community. That's why we both have groups, right, because we understand the
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value of community. And I didn't quite honestly, I didn't. I think
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I really got the like you and I met through coaches, right. I
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think that's really when I understood the value of community and the value of getting
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coached in community. That's like when I in my life because i'd been through
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therapy, but that's the time period of my life. We were talking about
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story maybe this is part of my story. I don't know. That's the
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moment, the pivotal moment where I stepped completely into vulnerability and aired all my
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shit out in public. Yes, and you did. I remember that.
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I'm sure you were there first. And I know I did a lot of
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it too, right, Yes, you did too, and it really was
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helpful. I would have gotten a lot from our coaches one on one,
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but I feel that I had so many people and I did this time and
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time again. You've been there with me in many different coaching rooms with different
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coaches where I've done that, And I think what I got and what I
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always hope our clients will get is that being so vulnerable in community actually brings
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people into you. People leaving in. They don't run away from your vulnerability.
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It's attracting people to support and uplift you and help you become more empowered,
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which is always for me. It's that's like my highest top goal for
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my clients. I don't know you have the same Do you have the same
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community? Right? I do? So, I'm when you said, when
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did I make that decision or choice? So I started building communities on my
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own. Yeah, in the nineties, like yeah, I knew from the
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get go. So I'm trying to figure out why I knew. So you
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know why, I'm going to say two things. I started teen in high
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school. Wow. I started going to Latin in high school and there was
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a there was right before that somebody came in. I was lost, and
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somebody came in with the Reach program and we did a group session. It
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was called group. We literally sat around in a circle in nineteen seventy nine
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like, okay, yeah, I'm dating myself. Shut up, No,
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I'm not laugh I'm laughing because it was called group, right, it was
20:26
called group on what should I call this program? It was called for years?
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What should I name my group? Exactly? Call it group exactly?
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So we um. So I was seen in that class. I was finally
20:45
seen and I used I did use my voice because I was having troubles with
20:49
my dad at the time because he was alcoholic and I was ballsy, and
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so we were we were fighting at that time. And so for me to
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be seen in high school so that I knew there that I was seen and
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people would talk to me after that. They came up in the hall and
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talk to me, and I was like wow. So Wow, Like that
21:07
was cool. And I was friends with a lot of different sections, of
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course, with different people, you know, everybody's kind of like that way.
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But I felt seen and I felt like I had a little bit of
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a purpose. I didn't know what any of that meant until then. I
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started going to therapy when I wanted a divorce, and then after my kids
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passed, and that therapist had group sessions. Oh that's awesome, because I
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was just thinking, most people when they think about therapy, it's in one
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on one sessions, it's not group. But I've done some group sessions as
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well, now that I think about it. Yeah, she burned some women
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together and did group huge, huge, really huge, and I love her.
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She's I'm sure she's not on this planet any longer, and she's amazing.
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And she brought the laws of the universe to me, which I couldn't
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even get over the very first one because it's you cause and create everything you
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have and I was like, hell no, and she's like, you can
22:04
just step around that side. I'm cook that's funny. And then I just
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kept going right and so she gave me that, and then I started the
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Abundance group for women at my house. We all came to my house,
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like I started community. I've been building community sas sas or siss. I
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had sists way Backwen and Bretwyn like I've been building I know, I know,
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right, yes, yeah, yeah wow. So So I do think
22:29
that women need to be in community, and I think that coaching coaching really
22:33
helps that. So you absolutely can have both, bottom line, y'all.
22:37
You can have a therapist and a coach. In fact, I have a
22:38
client right now that has both, actually several that have both, and so
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I'm obviously the coach just saying and then I help, which you I'm sure
22:48
experienced the same thing. We help what their therapists are saying. So their
22:53
therapists are digging it up and we're helping them put that into day and the
22:56
future, right yeah, And if the client wants it, we can collaborate
23:02
with that person as well, like I have my families fill out who do
23:06
you want me to collaborate with? Like who else is part of your child's
23:07
team that you want me to talk to about your child or your issues or
23:12
whatever's going on with the family, provided that they're okay with that. And
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I've been able to collaborate with therapists to help support that person moving forward,
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right, Yes, instead of getting two different situations, if we know where
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everybody's moving forward to, we can help support that. I love that and
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I do the same on you know, who's your CPA, who's your money
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team? Who's in your money team? If not, we're going to create
23:34
one. But if you don't have one, who are there? So we
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can all collaborate together. And I think a lot of coaches do that.
23:40
So that's awesome, awesome. Okay, we're gonna get into the dies she
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stuff about relationships now, Oh okay, yeah, you had a question,
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Okay, I do. I do have a question. Intrigued girl. I
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know I was hoping Karen would be here for this, but I don't know
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if she's going to make it. So fill her, jump her. Okay,
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So well, let's just talk about relationships. You already talk about that.
24:04
So have you been married? How many serious relationships have you been in?
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Oh my gosh, I've never really even thought about I'm gonna through his
24:11
relationships I've been in. I gotta think about that for a second. I've
24:15
been married once, happily divorced, grateful. I don't have any children,
24:22
with that man. Um, oh wow, it's funny because and you know
24:26
me because I usually say oh in my first marriage, and then I'm like,
24:30
well, wait a minute, I'm only eve been married one time,
24:32
but I know that I want to get married again. So um, I
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think that's why I say it that way. It didn't scare you away,
24:37
then, oh it did not. It did not scare me away at all.
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I absolutely love the idea of partnership. Um, I feel gosh,
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it's so interesting. So that's gonna say. I feel like my highest best
24:52
self in partnership, but I'm also my highest best self out of partnership too,
24:57
Like I don't need a partner to be my highest best self. I
25:00
don't need a partner to feel whole or complete like I'm I'm good enough.
25:06
I'm more than good enough right like I'm awesome as I am. And I
25:11
love partnership. And I have had a number of serious relationships that have been
25:17
extremely important and meaningful to me. If I counted them up, okay,
25:22
like because that was my first one and my very first boyfriend doesn't like he
25:26
was meaningful in his own way and I loved it. That counts. I
25:30
could count high school Yep, that count my high school first sweetheart. You
25:36
know, he counts after him I got I met Josh and got married to
25:42
him. That was a very long term relationship. Outside of that, I
25:47
would say, like, I probably shouldn't use names just in case, right,
25:52
or it doesn't matter, but it might help me. I'll think about
25:57
well, okay, so high school married first after Oh, he was helpful
26:04
first after um, divorce was huge. It's helpful. That's helpful. Yeah,
26:11
he was great. Um, thank you, And I'm so appreciative to
26:15
all of these wonderful men. Um. There was some that I dated that
26:19
we're not long term or meaningful, um, and some are interesting. Okay,
26:26
so meaningful I want to figure that out, like meaning because now we're
26:29
off on a tangent, right, meaningful, I have you think, oh
26:33
whoa, but come on this this track meaningful. I have had men in
26:41
my life that I have dated that I wouldn't necessarily were like long term love
26:48
of my life or men I that I've fallen in love with or something.
26:51
But I have had men in my life that were meaningful, right, meaning
26:55
taught you something? Yes, I was gonna say it might have been a
27:00
negative relationship, but it was extremely meaningful for me because it helped me move
27:04
forward in a significant way. And it might have been something that I had
27:11
to get over writer or you know you and I will geek out on lave
27:15
Attraction and Abraham Hicks down the road, but I mean it helped me using
27:21
those using that language, It helped me learn what I didn't want in order
27:25
to put in to what I do want. Yeah, yeah, yeah,
27:26
that's okay. I get what you're saying. Now I'm tracking yet, I'm
27:30
tracking what you're put down. You're tracking, you're tracking it. We have
27:33
to go through the lows to want the different highs. So we don't know
27:37
if we want brown unless we've seen blue and we don't like blue. And
27:41
now we know we don't like brown, so we need the good, bad,
27:44
and the ugly. Okay, I totally get you're saying. So let
27:47
me ask you this. You don't have to answer. Have you ever would
27:51
you ever say if any of relationships would have been in the abuse range emotional,
27:55
physical, mental? Yeah? Okay, wasn't sure if you wanted to
27:59
say that here, Okay, God, I'm happy to share that. Yeah,
28:02
that was a pattern for me. Oh so, not only one,
28:04
but more than one f yes. Okay, f yes up for y'all.
28:11
That was I did because I tried not to use the F bombs as much
28:15
as possible. But I one percent, and I again didn't realize that until
28:21
I realized that, and Falan was calling in, focusing on what I didn't
28:25
want, and I just kept calling in. I kept calling in liars,
28:30
cheaters, you know. I mean, it's just horrible, horrible, horrible
28:37
stuff. So I want to And then I shifted it. I'm going to
28:42
say, then I shifted it because I probably have had if I if I
28:47
really want to, I probably had three or four, certainly three maybe four
28:53
extremely loving, meaningful men in my life relationship wise, not counting my ex
29:00
husband. That we're amazing, right, We're actually amazing. And I will
29:10
also own that I was stuck in a pattern because I didn't and I relate
29:15
it now to not understanding my own worthiness, not understanding my own value,
29:21
my own gifts to the world. And I stayed stuck in these relationships way
29:26
longer than I should have. And that was part of my patterns, was
29:30
not knowing how to get out. I love that. Okay, wait,
29:33
hang on, now you've said so much there, So hang on, I
29:37
want you to share. Yeah. Right, So I want to go back
29:42
with you saying, I mean, first of all, everybody sees you.
29:45
You're absolutely beautiful, You're totally joyous, you're happy all the time, and
29:49
you've been through abuseful relationships. Because there's people up there right now that are
29:52
in an abusive relationship. There's people in there right now that just are leaving
29:56
one and contemplate or wherever they're at, a year out, six months out,
30:02
two months out, whatever they're at. I want to have them see
30:04
two beautiful, gorgeous ladies right now that have been through hell and back and
30:08
I promise you it will get better and you are going to be amazing.
30:15
It does absolutely And I would piggyback on that. I love what you said,
30:19
Jennifer, And I was going to say, wherever you are, whoever
30:23
you are, who is listening or seeing this, you are in exactly the
30:26
right space for you right now, or you wouldn't be in it. You
30:30
didn't know what you You didn't know yesterday what you know today, and you
30:36
were learning and growing and your life will absolutely change because you can get out
30:42
of this and it's a choice. I love that okay, nice a little
30:48
Mary fairy magic wand dress up. I cannot believe you have a magic wand
30:56
that is so damn cute. I have to black. Actually it was gonna
30:59
offer one to you. I have one in my other box, but I
31:00
didn't pull it out, but I should have, because if Jennifer and I
31:03
could waive our little fairy ones, we would get you out of it as
31:07
soon as possible, like yesterday. But since we can't, we still will
31:12
throw a lifeline right to you. Hope that you grab it, because that's
31:19
that's the part I think that Jennifer I was thinking about this with coaching.
31:22
Right, we could throw our clients or people in our world, our friends,
31:27
our loved ones, our family members, our own family members too,
31:32
right, like I've had this. We could throw the lifeline and we could
31:36
be like pulling it in and like grab it, grab it. We want
31:38
to help, Like just grab hole, grab on, like we'll pull to
31:41
you to a better life, for a better relationship, our better world.
31:45
But they have to grab it. Yeah, and we can't do it all.
31:48
And and that's actually where the work is, right is once you say
31:52
goodbye and step out and get out, Yeah, and then now you have
31:57
to deal with here to step out, you right, because yeah, yeah,
32:00
you can get ready for it. An important place to be is I'm
32:02
preparing. I'm getting ready if you want, if you can. Some kian't.
32:07
Some you're just out. Oh I've helped some clients I've prepared. Oh
32:12
yeah, I've had I've had clients with kids with special needs who are definitely
32:15
afraid of their future because their husband's like the red winner and abusive and all
32:22
kinds of like. I had one mom I worked with whose daughter was significantly
32:28
significantly impaired and I do not need right needed care, lightly needed care.
32:35
She went into the hospital to give birth to another child, and the father
32:42
couldn't handle the first girl with special needs. She was about two and a
32:46
half three, So took the child with special needs to the mom to take
32:51
care of right after she gave birth, and said, you got to deal
32:53
with this kid because I oh, I thought you said the special needs daughter
32:57
gave birth and I'm like, oh my gosh, no that happens. So
33:00
now she had her sibling and she couldn't even couldn't even even rest and take
33:04
like a little bit of time off from having her baby. It was just
33:08
it was a very abusive situation and we helped her leave. That's great,
33:15
that's good. And and I have to say, and I have I want
33:17
to I mean, we should have a whole conversation about your community because I
33:22
would love to be educated as well. That's another podcast you should come on
33:24
for because I do want to be educated and I can only imagine how difficult
33:30
it could be for both. Now, this is an abusive situation, so
33:32
that's different. Yeah, we're not saying split up with your hobby like or
33:36
not, or your or your wife or not. Oh yeah, yeah,
33:38
Yang, you should always get into work, but you should if you're being
33:40
abused, if you're being mentally abused, financially abused, physically abused, get
33:45
the hell out. There's help for you. Plan. You can absolutely try
33:49
to plan. But if you're getting physically abused, you have to leave now
33:52
because you never know when that fatal blow is going to be agree. So
33:57
um, okay, So so on the other side of all yeah, yeah,
34:04
so yeah, So here we are, Jennifer and I we are standing
34:07
here on the other side of that. Yeah, And it's great. And
34:09
so I've been single, so I've been married three times. I apparently don't
34:15
date. I just get married. And before that, I had uh see,
34:21
let's see before that, before that, before that, Oh okay,
34:22
So I had a significant Mike in high school and Vince in high school and
34:28
Carlos. Those were my significant men in my life basically, and then I
34:35
didn't what would you say, I thought, good for you for naming those
34:38
significant men in your life. Yeah, I'm okay with that. I'm okay
34:42
with that. And so I've been alone for a really long time, Like
34:49
I can't even believe how long I've been, because I've never been alone in
34:52
my life. Like I had a boyfriend right from the get go, ninth
34:53
grade. Vince was ninth grade up until um, Brian my last husband that
35:00
we were I don't even know when we were divorced. I want to say
35:02
twenty thirteen, twelve thirteen, I don't even know, a long time ago,
35:07
so almost ten years basically. And um, I have been dating myself.
35:15
I have been. I didn't set out too and I didn't know I
35:16
was. And I literally, I mean all along I thought i'd be dating
35:21
again or married again. Like all along, I thought I'd be in a
35:22
relationship and it's just been this long tour. I am not, and I'm
35:28
fine with that. Um, I have dated, UM, I don't,
35:31
don't worry'all. Have you know I'm not a nunnery at this point.
35:35
I'm not. No, I'm not. Just lends me to my question,
35:39
My love, are you ready for this question? Oh crap? Okay,
35:43
yeah, I went Yeah, you are gonna blush. So I went to
35:47
UM dinner lunch something with Journey and Lucas and we went to UM. Anyways,
35:53
we met this group of gentlemen my age, which not all my age,
35:59
but you know in the fifth right, and so, which does not
36:01
happen like there. I just feel like so many people are so much younger.
36:05
And so I started talking to one of them, actually talked to all
36:08
of them, but then right, so then I got a number of one
36:10
of them. So he just text me, and UM, I said,
36:15
you know, hey, you know how you doing? Just check in.
36:16
It's a really great situation. And so then I text. So my question
36:22
is what does he want to get together for? How do you know when
36:24
it's a booty call? Well, they ask you a question about that.
36:32
Oh gosh, she's gonna coach all right, Well, I'm not gonna coach
36:37
you through this ship. But you know me, I love, I follow
36:39
and have coached with Alison Armstrong, who helps as humans appreciate our partners,
36:49
whatever, male, female, whatever you see yourself as helps you. So
36:54
my question would be asking me, wait, you gotta say, al Armstrong,
37:00
I want to make sure people heard you say that, because you've got
37:02
a lot from that. Okay, An Armstrong? Yeah, she was absolutely
37:06
one of my favorite go to okay relationship coaches, right, help me understand
37:10
myself better, and she's a strong proponent of helping people have better communication skills,
37:17
which, as you know, because I made her podcast on relationship,
37:21
the last one that you did, which if you haven't heard it yet,
37:23
you guys need to go check it out because she's amazing with the tips that
37:27
she gives. But communication is a big one, right, and so rather
37:31
than asking me what he wants from this, you could certainly be asking him
37:37
which probably maybe did what a concept right, Like, oh my god,
37:40
I could have I should have had a V eight. Okay, So how
37:45
about I say that I want to celebrate you for actually one striking up the
37:51
conversation with all of these beautiful men in their fifties because I appreciate men and
37:55
love the fact that you called that in because you're ready to call that in
37:59
and you gave out your number, you had somebody respond. Obviously there was
38:04
an attraction or you wouldn't have done it and he's ready to meet. Well,
38:08
it wasn't. I wasn't really thinking of attraction. I really wasn't.
38:13
That's fine, that wasn't in my thought at the time. At time,
38:19
my dating coach, who's who's also a coach under Alison Wendy, would say,
38:24
you need to just get out there and you know, meet people.
38:30
And so, I mean, you don't even know yet if he's worth meeting
38:37
in person. Over I mean, you've met him already in person, great,
38:39
but now you get to flirt either via text or via phone or via
38:45
zoom, or meet for coffee or drink or beverage of your choice. I
38:52
am not someone who jumps right into a dinner or a meal. Some people
38:59
do. I'm I'm more of a screener when I'm dating, like I wanna,
39:02
This isn't dating. I'm still not dating. That's my point. You're
39:06
just a conversation, a conversation. No, he asked me. He asked
39:10
me to come over for a glass of wine. So he did. He
39:13
did ask, and I was come over to his place for a glass of
39:16
wine. Yes that night, probably right, Hey, you want to come
39:21
over or no, no, it was for next week. Ah, So
39:25
I wouldn't necessarily want to go right over to his house. I kind of
39:30
want to meet in a public place, right right. That's that's why I'm
39:36
like, booty call, booty call, booty call. That's what it's all.
39:39
Booty call, booty Okay, so here's let me let me rephrase that.
39:43
Let me let me start that. I did not think of that at
39:45
all during this whole conversation, Like I did not think that at all.
39:47
But then I brought it up to someone else who I will not name um
39:52
and they thought, oh yeah, that's a total booty call, like immediately
39:55
like oh yeah, that's exactly what he wants. And I'm like, oh,
39:59
okay, so should I just ask? It could be, but but
40:04
I wouldn't want to put it. I mean, like, how you respond
40:07
is gonna set the tone, right, So if you text back, is
40:09
this a booty call? I mean, and it's not, he's gonna be
40:13
like, oh my god, I'm booty call. Like Oh my god,
40:15
No, why didn't? Why on right, it's a booty call? Holy
40:17
crap, am I? Because maybe not like maybe you know, but but
40:22
it's it's where we're coming from. Like my history is I've dealt with creepy
40:28
guys and I've had really crazy stocker I'm gonna slash your throat with a knife
40:32
man that I've called in Oh my gosh. Yeah. So my filter is
40:38
always safety first, which is why I always meet people in public in a
40:44
restaurant or in a place where I feel that i've been before, I feel
40:47
safe in because I don't want to end up in a situation that I'm not
40:52
prepared for. And I'm not saying that's the case for you, but that's
40:54
absolutely perfect. Be yeah, and you don't want to text? Are you
40:58
a creeper? Like my right, it could just be friends. I mean,
41:01
it could just totally be a friendly situation. And so it could be
41:06
like, oh my god, I heard what you're talking about what you do,
41:08
and I wanted to pick your brain and learn more about how to rock
41:12
my finances. Yeah, yeah, we have no idea. Yeah, okay,
41:15
good, we don't want to assume anything. Yeah, that's true.
41:21
Dialogue dialogue. I like that dialogue dialogue, y'all. Okay, so tune
41:28
back in next week. You know what. Fun because I'm definitely not looking.
41:32
It's not let me cancel, cancel, cancel. It's not that I'm
41:36
not looking. It's not that anything like, I just don't know what it
41:39
looks like in my life right now. And I did say that. He
41:43
did say something. He's like, I haven't talked to you in a couple
41:45
of months, so just wondering if a gentleman swept you off your feet or
41:47
something. And I said, no, Actually, I said I'm not.
41:51
I have no time. I'm in my I'm loving my life, loving my
41:53
friends and family, and loving my clients and loving my business, and I'm
41:57
growing leaks and bounds and that's where I put in my time. And man,
42:00
you know, pardon this is a man that you've known for a little
42:05
while, not a man that you just met in this group the other night
42:07
with Journey and no this I met him a few months ago. Okay,
42:13
got it. Yeah, so it's been a while. And then he just
42:15
text me out of the blue, which was kind of cool. That is
42:17
cool. Yeah, the thing like I've been talking about it with Linda,
42:22
who's like a dating buddy of mine. And I think we've mentioned this with
42:24
Karen. There's a whole book on texting recommended it. Karen might recommend it,
42:32
yeah, and how to Tech. I can't remember who recommended it now,
42:37
but on texting, and so it might be worth I'll find it for
42:42
you and I'll okay. And again, I don't want to put a whole
42:45
lot of time and injury into it. It's just interesting, like, how
42:47
do you know when it's a body called when it's not? And if you
42:50
want that, that's absolutely wonderful. Yeah, I don't think that I want
42:53
that right now. I'm not really Actually, I don't know what I want.
42:57
So I loved what you said earlier. You were like, why don't
43:00
we just ask? Yeah? You absolutely asked, Like and then stay safe.
43:04
I love safety as well, right, so let's talk about it.
43:07
And Alison Armstrong really just to give you a nugget on this, one of
43:09
the things that she said and some of our former business coaches recommended, like
43:15
that's how they met. Alison suggested that for their first date, if you
43:21
feel comfortable or in a text or whatever, like what's your intention for getting
43:23
together? Yeah, Ryan, Yeah, I love that getting So are you
43:30
talking about Mark and Shannon. That's what they when they first met. She
43:36
was coaching with Alison Armstrong, and that's what she asked, Mark, what's
43:38
your intention for dating? And based on that, you know, because if
43:44
they're interested in just booty calls, they're going to tell you and or they
43:47
might say, well, you know, I'm looking for a long term relationship,
43:50
someone that I want you to marry me and have my baby exactly.
43:54
But the guy that's just in it for a booty call is going to answer
43:58
very differently. It's going to be I'm looking for fun and adventure, a
44:01
girl that I can, you know, just go places with and have a
44:05
few laughs. We'll see. That's what I would say, which would be
44:08
great. Yeah that's not my Yeah, okay, that's so into Okay,
44:13
Yeah, I might hit you up later and and and text just that yeah,
44:16
and you up with him at his place for a drink. It doesn't
44:22
mean the booty call is gonna happen, honey, right, it's right around
44:24
the corner. I mean we actually live. Well, you can say no,
44:29
yeah, I know, I know, I know. I just didn't
44:30
think of it that way until somebody else mentioned it. I did not think
44:35
of it that way. Got it? Okay, So tell me about getting
44:39
ready to be ready, to get ready, to be ready, to be
44:43
ready for the relationship. How do we do that? What time is it
44:45
for? We have five minutes left? I was good? How much drime?
44:49
You got? No? Right? So, um, any tools that
44:52
you can I want to run back? I know, right, we can
44:57
do this all day long. Well we do do this long? Well that
45:00
we could do this all day one. So running back to being in an
45:04
abusive relationship or getting out of a divorce? Did you have any books or
45:07
anything that you would recommend to anyone in that spot? I did not,
45:10
so I'm not great helpful on that. The only thing I did was the
45:14
Spiritual Divorce Book, and it was an actual workbook, and that was extremely
45:19
helpful. I didn't even have to get through it because I was already done
45:22
just with the exercises of the Spiritual Divorce. But that was a long time
45:25
ago. Is there anything that you would recommend for any of that? You
45:29
know? I had a book that was written by a couple and I think
45:34
there were therapists, and I don't remember the title of it, but it
45:37
was to try to help couples who were trying to stay together figure out if
45:42
they can. It was like getting over to getting over an affair or something.
45:46
And I was at that time insistent that he read the book with me
45:52
to see if we could partner together and move forward beyond it. And he
45:57
wouldn't even pick it up. So I remember that book. I don't necessarily
46:00
recommend that book. I think the books that I came across later in my
46:05
journey of empowerment were more helpful, Like the Badass Book is totally I love
46:09
Jen since Sarah a badass book. You are a badass. You are a
46:13
badass. I love to do that anytime you could. You could, and
46:16
it's not just for business people, even though it's kind of geared towards that
46:20
you could do that any time. Yeah, yeah, I don't know if
46:24
I have necessarily that's okay. I don't want to take too much time.
46:28
We have three minutes left. Let's jump on, Tom. Can I answer
46:32
the question you just said about how do you know when you're ready to get
46:35
ready? To get ready? To get ready to get ready? Yeah?
46:37
What do you do to get ready to get ready? I think it all
46:39
does come down to working on yourself, like I would not even think about
46:45
back then. I would never have thought about getting into a new relationship until
46:50
I cleaned up the part of myself that I was bringing to the relationship.
46:54
Because if I was calling in certain men, which I now see right like,
46:59
I had a calling in these horrible men, and it really had to
47:04
do with me not seeing myself in the way that I see myself now,
47:09
right. I didn't feel like I was worthy of an amazing partner, and
47:14
so I was calling in partners that I felt we're good enough, you know,
47:20
and I didn't. I mean, now I've got the languaging for that,
47:22
But I would say work on yourself first. And I mean, I
47:25
do this with my clients. You do this with your clients, right Like
47:29
I have one client right now that's questioning whether or not she wants to stay
47:31
in her marriage. And so that's the work that we're doing, trying to
47:35
figure out what are all the possibilities available to you, because she may not
47:38
want to stay, and that's her choice if I'm so down to that,
47:43
But it all comes down to her building herself up so she feels strong enough
47:50
to in the marriage. Out of the marriage, single, not, It
47:52
doesn't matter. We have to do exactly what you're saying, Denise, because
47:57
we have to know who we are. We cannot be the person anyone in
48:02
a relationship needs us to be for them unless we know who we are right
48:07
now. It's being a relationship with yourself right right. We have to be
48:12
in relationship with ourselves. Now. Are we always an ever growing situation?
48:15
Of course, yeah, we're never the same, right, We're always growing.
48:20
But we have to know ourselves well enough to know what's happening with that.
48:24
Now. Are we going to fix everything before we get a relationship?
48:27
Of course not. But the more we get to know ourselves, and the
48:30
more pros and cons we think of of ourself and we tend to focus on
48:36
more of the pros and release the cons. The more the more people we
48:42
attract in our life of all areas relationships, friendships, sexual relationships, long
48:49
partner relationships, colleague relationships, right employee relationships, boss relationships, spiritual relationships,
48:55
coaches, mentors, everyone in our life. Hey, Nee, Yes,
49:01
which is the greatest asset? Gee I Won is a divorce coach?
49:07
Absolutely? Yeah, that was amazing feeling We miss you today. She's doing
49:10
her stuff. So thank you for chiming in. We love you definitely.
49:14
Um, we definitely need to get to know ourselves. I love that you
49:16
said that. I love that you said that. And getting into relationship when
49:22
we're ready obviously, well, I mean, boy, you certainly grow in
49:27
your relationships, don't you. Like you could be all on your own,
49:30
but in relationship is when you're deaf. That's your next step, all right,
49:35
now, you get to know yourself there and that's where I would say,
49:37
read the books codependent no more codependency, no more any of that any
49:42
like. It all helps all women, no matter what. So we have
49:45
really had a good time today on the show to these I love you to
49:49
the moon and baps. I see you again, y'all, and uh make
49:55
sure that you can stand up and say I rock my Finances. We appreciate
50:02
you joining us today and don't forget to subscribe to the rock my Finances YouTube
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channel for more engagement and bonus content. Tell me what is your money's story?
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Let's find out with Jennifer four pm Eastern one pm Pacific every Thursday right
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here on K four HD Radio and Talk for TV. It's not about the
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zeros. It's about the F word, feeling feelings Jennifer can't wait to explore
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with you next week. Until then, let's all say I rock my finances.