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The 5 Lies Addiction Tells You — And Why They Sound So Reasonable · Recovering Out Loud

• 0:00
  You know that voice in your head that is really loud and it tells
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  you that it's OK to drink or it's going to be different this
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  time? Or it sometimes feels like
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  you're literally battling with another person.
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  There's another voice that's talking and telling you that
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  things are going to be different this time.
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  And it happens before every single relapse.
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  Today's episode, I'm going to talk about the five lies that
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  addiction tells you. And I've found in the 10 years
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  that I've been doing this in recovery and in the addiction
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  field, working in the addiction field, that they're most more or
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  less synonymous across the board.
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  A lot of people have the a similar experience where it's
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  almost like, and I do videos on this all the time of me versus
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  my attic brain. My attic brain is a separate
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  part of me. Sometimes it feels like that.
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  And so I, I want to do this episode today because I want to
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  bring light to the fact that one, this is not something that
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  you have to be run by. It's something that can coexist
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  in your life and you don't have to act on the decisions because
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  that motherfucker in my head will tell me that it is a good
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  idea to do it. It'll convince me seven ways
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  till Sunday that this is the right thing to do.
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  And it's going to be different this time.
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  It's going to be better. You will get control of this.
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  You can just have one and no one will know.
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  I'm going to go and get into all of that.
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  So I'm Anthony, I'm an alcoholic and an addict.
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  I had 7 1/2 years of recovery and sobriety and I relapsed on
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  ADHD medication and secrets and steroids.
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  And This is why I'm so passionate about recovery
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  because I want to keep continuing to carry the message
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  to people so that you don't have to go through that because I
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  don't wish that upon anybody. That was one of the worst
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  experiences of my life. It always does get worse.
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  And I'm here to tell you today that there is a solution.
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  There is a way out of this thing.
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  I have found it and many other people that I know have found
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  it. So let's get into it.
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  So 5 lies in order to the five lies that show up.
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  Each one gets a story, what it actually sounds like in your
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  head. And what I'm about to describe
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  best describes what the field calls cognitive distortion.
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  So the scientific clinical term behind it is cognitive
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  distortion, thinking patterns documented in addiction
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  research. Going back to Aaron Beck and
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  Albert Ellis. I'm not going to quote the
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  papers, but I'm going to tell you what it sounds like at 2:00
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  AM or 3:00 PM or 3:00 AM, or when you're on the patio looking
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  at that beautiful drink that looks so great and the illusory
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  freedom that comes with drugs and alcohol.
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  Lie one, I've got this under control.
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  So the lie's favorite costume for this one is competence.
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  You're functional, you're showing up, you're paying the
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  bills. Therefore, the logic goes, I
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  don't have a problem. I've got this under control.
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  Everything's OK. Look at me.
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  I still have my job. This.
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  I go into this in detail in the Functional Alcoholics episode
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  because this is what happens. We put on the stage character
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  and tell the world that everything's OK and we're
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  convincing ourselves that everything's OK.
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  Meanwhile, our life is in chaos. So the specific feeling of this
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  lie is relief. It lets you exhale.
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  It lets you breathe for a second that you know, if I don't have a
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  problem, then that means I don't have to do anything to fix the
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  problem because there's no problem here.
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  I'm good, guys. Thank you.
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  It lets you off the hook. It lets you close the tab on a
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  part of your brain that was starting to ask questions.
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  I don't like that. I'm not going to ask questions.
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  I don't want to get into this. I'm I'm fine.
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  I've got this under control. Control is the great obsession
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  of every alcoholic. It's the lie that keeps you
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  drinking for an extra 510 or 15 years longer than you needed to.
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  Control is on a spectrum. It's not a binary thing.
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  The question isn't am I out of control?
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  The question is how much of my life am I organizing around the
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  substance, the drugs, the alcohol?
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  If the answer is any, then the lies already working in your
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  life. Here's what it actually sounds
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  like. I can stop whenever I want, I
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  just don't want to right now. Ever done ever said that before?
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  Ever heard that? I can stop whenever I want.
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  I just don't want to right now. So today, I don't trust my own
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  assessment of control. I outsource it to my higher
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  power, my mentors, my therapist, my partner, my friends.
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  I tell three people that I trust.
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  If three people tell me that I trust that something is off,
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  they're right and I'm the one holding the lie.
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  I need two people to see my problem.
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  I can't see it. My perception is distorted.
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  Lie number two, I've earned this.
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  This one shows up after a hard week.
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  It shows up after a chaotic month or a business deal.
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  And it's, you know, I've earned this.
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  I've worked hard. I deserve a drink, I deserve
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  relief. I deserve to relax.
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  A promotion, a funeral, something bad, something good.
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  Any days that end in why I deserve this.
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  So this life feels like fairness, like you're finally
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  being reasonable with yourself. Yeah, This makes sense.
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  I earned this. Yeah, you did, Anthony.
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  And it's a lot of patting on the back, self stroking, if you
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  will. It's dressed up as self-care.
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  This is my self-care routine. I'm going to enjoy a drink.
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  And then it never turns out to be 1 drink.
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  So that's what makes this one lethal is the other.
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  Lies feel like negotiation. This one feels like kindness.
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  I'm being nice to myself. I, I deserve this addiction
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  doesn't announce itself as the villain.
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  It shows up as the friend who thinks you're working too hard.
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  So it's not bad. I, I, my, my friends think I'm
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  work. I don't.
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  They think I've earned this. That voice in my head is just,
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  you know, you, you. This is OK, buddy.
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  Let yourself loose a little. Put your hair down.
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  Take your bra off. So the trick here is actual
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  self-care doesn't require you to betray your recovery.
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  If the reward involves breaking your sobriety, it's not a
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  reward, it's a setup. What I do instead, well, I
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  develop self-care routines. If I like one of the movies by
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  myself, I do that. If I like one of the sports
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  events Jays game I do that line #3 This time is different.
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  This is the lie that ends long term sobriety.
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  Pure insanity. It's the lie that ended mine.
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  I can this time will be different.
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  ADHD medication is not like cocaine.
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  It's not like other drugs. I haven't tried this yet so I
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  I've got this one. It's OK.
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  This one shows up after some time has passed as well.
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  It can show up in the beginning as well, but it shows up when
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  things are going well and I can control it.
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  Now I've I'm cured, I've got this thing, it's this time will
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  be different. It's pure insanity doing the
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  same thing, expecting different results.
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  I'm not going to end up in a trap house doing cocaine because
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  I'm taking it as prescribed my medication.
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  It's funny for a lot of people, this one usually turns up as
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  I've I've earned a drink. This time will be different with
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  a drink. But for me it was much more
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  cunning, baffling and powerful in that I convinced myself I had
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  ADHD and so this time will be different.
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  Looked like I'm not going to go down the dark path back to
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  cocaine because this will solve my problem.
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  And what is my problem? My problem is dis ease.
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  I am at dis ease. I am disturbed, I am
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  uncomfortable. I'm not tapped into a power
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  greater than myself. That is my problem and I try to
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  solve it with outside things, including ADHD medication.
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  And then when that doesn't work, I inevitably go back to my drug
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  of choice, which is cocaine and other stimulants and alcohol.
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  So the the tricky one about this is the lie trades on your
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  growth. It actually uses actual progress
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  that you've made as evidence that the rules no longer apply
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  to you. That's the genius behind it is
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  it can only work on it can only work on people that have been
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  doing well or think they've been doing well.
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  What nobody told me was that. And what I want to tell you is
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  if you're listening at 3 1/2 ten years, the disease does not get
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  weaker. It's progressive.
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  It is you hear all the time it's doing push ups in the parking
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  lot while I sit in the studio. It's true.
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  My disease is getting stronger, however, my recovery is also
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  getting stronger if I continue to work on it.
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  The thing is, it gets quieter over time.
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  And so you're not outgrowing it, you're out working it one day at
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  a time. Essentially.
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  Those are two different things. You don't outgrow addiction, you
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  out work it. The long timer's paradox is the
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  longer you're sober, the more convincing the lie becomes and
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  the less anyone around you is watching for it because you're
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  so good at hiding it now you're good at discerning and building
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  the stage character. And I don't really have a
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  problem and I'm not going to tell anyone about this because I
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  don't want them to think that I'm going to relapse and that
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  I'm weak and that I'm not good at recovery and I'm I'm
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  faltering and I have flaws. I don't want anyone to know
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  that. So what do I do now?
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  I simply tell myself whenever these thoughts come up.
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  And it's been a while, actually it's been a couple weeks since
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  I've had this idea of a fantasy of the fun times.
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  But for me it's I simply have lost my right to chemical Peace
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  of Mind. All mood or mind altering
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  substances. I cannot use one.
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  And maybe I had to go through that relapse to prove that I
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  couldn't just use one. But essentially I just can't
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  have one of anything. And that brings me peace today.
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  It's not always easy, but I have to pray about it.
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  I have to remind myself. I have to tell people when these
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  thoughts start to obsess in my mind and play on thought loops.
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  You can get through it, you just have to open up and get it out
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  of your head. Lie #4 nobody will know.
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  This is a good one when you're on vacation.
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  So hotel rooms, business trips, weekends with your partner,
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  weekends your partner's away. Sorry, you have the house to
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  yourself. The lie lives in a closed door.
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  So when I'm all alone now, nobody's going to know.
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  I'll just have one. No one's going to know.
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  I can get back into recovery on Monday.
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  The specific fantasy this one sells is 1 clean, contained
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  secret use. No witnesses, no consequences.
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  Back to normal Monday morning. I can get through this and no
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  one will know. Well, let me tell you, you're
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  going to know. And you.
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  In my experience, I'm not able to live with that secret.
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  Eventually it blows up in my face and I'm using math again.
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  This feeling is conspiracy. Conspirational.
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  Conspirational. Is that a word?
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  Conspirational. It's you against the world.
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  A private little deal you're making with yourself.
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  What's actually happening in the moment is that your addiction is
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  asking to be taken off the accountability grid to get away
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  with this one, and that's the only thing it wants.
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  Your addiction wants you dead. Let's be honest.
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  So like I said, you will know. The part the lie skips over is
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  you will know you have to go to sleep with yourself, and
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  wherever you go in the world, you're taking yourself with you.
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  It means your recovery will know.
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  The recovery version of yourself will know, which means the next
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  morning you're either lying to everyone who matters to you, or
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  you're starting over, or you're lying to yourself.
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  Sobriety isn't something other people hold for you.
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  It's the relationship you have with yourself when nobody's
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  looking right goes back to that integrity.
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  What am I doing when no one's watching?
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  How am I living? What do I do now?
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  There's no secrets in my recovery today.
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  I work hard at that. I work hard at taking my
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  inventory every night and analyzing.
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  Is there something that I should be telling somebody about?
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  Is there something that I'm hiding?
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  There's something that I'm not proud of, something that is
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  embarrassing me, that is eating me up, that is renting space in
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  my head. If I'm in a hotel room or work
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  trip, I think about it. I text somebody before.
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  So get an accountability partner.
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  This is something that I do. I tell my mentor.
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  I tell my friends in recovery, my partner.
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  The thought isn't the problem. Keeping the thought private is
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  the problem #5 it's too late to come back.
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  This is a good one. This life shows up after a slip,
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  after a relapse, after a week, a month, a year of using again.
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  I fucking certainly had this one.
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  It's a lie that's turns a slip into a Bender.
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  It's too late to come back. It's too hard to come back.
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  I always say this, but when I relapsed it was like recovery
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  was this mountain uphill in the snow, raining with booby traps.
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  It was so hard for me to fathom coming back into this program in
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  this life because I was too far gone in my brain.
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  It's a lie. Everyone has a moment when they
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  slip that they can either decide to jump back on the spiritual
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  beam and get back into recovery or continue going on and hoping
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  that they'll control it. Or what's the use anyways?
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  This isn't this doesn't matter. I fucked up already.
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  I might as well keep going. I've already tried stimulants
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  that I never said I was going to try meth.
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  Now I'm going to get into benzos because what's the point
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  anyways? I'm already this far.
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  It's too far gone. It feels like logic, like math,
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  like the Ledger is closed and you've been assigned your final
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  column. This is it.
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  It's done too late. The door is closed.
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  It's completely wrong. The easiest of the five to
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  disprove, because everyone in the rooms has come back from
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  something. Everyone in recovery has come
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  back from worse than you did. I can guarantee it.
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  I see it all the time. I'm an example of it.
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  I came back from a relapse that I never thought I was going to
• 12:00
  come back from. There is no expiry date on
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  recovery. There's no score You can't come
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  back from, The meeting you're afraid to walk back into is full
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  of people. The recovery community you
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  you're going back into is full of people that have had it worse
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  than you, or have come back from harder or come back from near
• 12:17
  death experiences. You just have to show up.
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  January 12th, 2025. That's my date now.
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  Not my first date, my current one.
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  And honestly the shame of coming back after 7 1/2 years was one
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  of the hardest things I've ever done, if not the hardest thing
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  I've ever done in my life. But I'm so happy I did.
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  I'm so glad that I didn't die. I'm grateful for the people that
• 12:35
  have come before me that have lifted me up to where I am now.
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  You can be that person too. You can also avoid avoid all of
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  this by noticing this lie and all these lies before it becomes
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  too late to stop your relapse. And again, relapse isn't
• 12:49
  failure. It's a learning curve.
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  It's a part of the process. It's a hint that your plan is
• 12:54
  off your, your plan is needs to be corrected, needs to be fixed
• 13:00
  and course corrected. That's it, it's a course
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  correction. Something wasn't working and so
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  I'm going to try something else. This time I'm going to ask for
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  help and do it differently because it didn't work the first
• 13:12
  time. This led me to relapse so I'm
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  going to try something else. I'm going to be open minded and
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  willing. So quick recap, 5 lies.
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  I've got this under control. I've earned this.
• 13:22
  This time will be different. Nobody will know and it's too
• 13:25
  late to come back. If you hear yourself saying one
• 13:28
  of those things, tell somebody about it.
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  Write it down, get it out, be honest.
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  It might save your life, it might save a relapse.
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  You never know. You don't need to live in your
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  head by yourself. There's people that are willing
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  to help you. Every one of these lies sounds
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  reasonable in the moment. We're good at convincing
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  ourselves that it's true. We can paint the reality and
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  project the reality onto anything.
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  I can convince myself of anything.
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  I always say that coming up with these ideas, not telling
• 13:51
  anybody, these plans and these great designs for fixing me,
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  anytime I start to think on that, that plane of, of, of, of
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  thought, I'm in a world of trouble.
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  It's like me sitting in a room full of me, Me's talking to me
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  and saying, hey, I got this idea.
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  And all of the me's saying, yeah, it's a great idea, you
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  should do it. Go do do it.
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  It's a great idea. Tell somebody about it.
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  Get it out of your head. It loses all of its power when
• 14:16
  you talk about it. If one of these landed harder
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  than the others, that's the one I'd sit with this week.
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  Not to fight it, just to notice when it shows up.
• 14:24
  Naming the lie is most of the work identifying it.
• 14:27
  Please, if you like this episode, follow, subscribe to
• 14:31
  the podcast, send it to a friend.
• 14:32
  I appreciate every single one of you.
• 14:34
  Thank you for being here today. If no one's told you this yet, I
• 14:37
  love you. And recovery is simple, not
• 14:39
  easy.