Latest / The Dr. Sarah Hensley Show / Episode 25, Season 1: It's a Capacity Issue

Transcript

Episode 25, Season 1: It's a Capacity Issue · The Dr. Sarah Hensley Show

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Speaker 1: Yeah, welcome to the Love Dog Podcast. I'm your co
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Speaker 1: host Rna Butcher here with our lovely host, doctor Sarah Hensley,
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Speaker 1: the owner and CEO of The Dating Decoder.
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Speaker 2: For now, for now, the Dating Decoder is being rebranded.
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Speaker 2: I'm excited. It's going to be to do. Excited.
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Speaker 1: It's going to be a huge to do, but it's
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Speaker 1: going to be tee totally worth it once it's all
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Speaker 1: said done, because it sure has to be. You are
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Speaker 1: the brand and just weird. Yeah I would feel weird.
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Speaker 2: You're such The bizarre thing about this journey is that
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Speaker 2: I like my privacy, I like my anonymity, and here
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Speaker 2: I am about to get a publicist.
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Speaker 1: I know this is going to surprise a lot of people,
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Speaker 1: but if they knew you like I do, I would
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Speaker 1: actually describe you as someone who is somewhat shy and
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Speaker 1: guarded like you. You are, not like I'm like, you know,
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Speaker 1: like this is rain, that's me at all. Yeah, that's
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Speaker 1: not Sarah. Like you're you're guarded and even like I said,
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Speaker 1: the little shy, I'm very shy around very introverted person.
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Speaker 1: Yeah you are, and I like being introverted. Yeah, I'm
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Speaker 1: always lost in my own thoughts my own. And here's
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Speaker 1: the thing that is different between introverts and extroverts, just
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Speaker 1: to bring some psychology in it. Introverts get stimulated by
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Speaker 1: their own thoughts, so they don't need other people because
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Speaker 1: they have this. Really, they they like are stimulated in
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Speaker 1: the same way from their own internal world as extroverts
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Speaker 1: are stimulated by other people, and conversing and interacting with
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Speaker 1: others makes sense.
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Speaker 2: So I'm like, I love being in my own internal world. Yeah.
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Speaker 1: Now I know that there's been some what is the
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Speaker 1: like the hybrid term for the two, it's been circulating.
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Speaker 2: I forget what they.
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Speaker 1: Call it, but because I like, I would describe myself
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Speaker 1: as an extrovert.
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Speaker 2: Like an introverted extrovert.
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Speaker 1: Yeah, and I've always been an extrovert, but like only
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Speaker 1: to a certain capacity, right, So it's like I can
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Speaker 1: only exert the me being an extrovert to a certain capacity,
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Speaker 1: and then I kind of have to go inward and
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Speaker 1: like spend some time alone.
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Speaker 2: Yeah, I enjoy zero percent going out with a large
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Speaker 2: group of people, and see I need that everyone. See
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Speaker 2: I can't. I almost can't stand it.
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Speaker 1: Like like last night, even when we were out, because
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Speaker 1: you know, we both work from home, and I'm in
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Speaker 1: my home a lot, and I'm in kind of.
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Speaker 2: Like my little bubble, like you know.
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Speaker 1: Josh's friends kept saying, We're so glad y'all made it out,
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Speaker 1: you know, and I was like, no, I needed this,
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Speaker 1: like I needed to get out and like, to me,
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Speaker 1: it feels good to be really social and feel seen
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Speaker 1: and like that's important.
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Speaker 2: I want nothing to do.
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Speaker 1: Yeah, we are, I mean, which is so crazy because
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Speaker 1: I'm you put yourself so close to a million followers
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Speaker 1: on TikTok. Yeah, you put yourself out that I put
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Speaker 1: myself out here every day, but you do it for
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Speaker 1: But the reason you do it isn't to put yourself
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Speaker 1: out there, that part I hate. The reason you do
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Speaker 1: it is because you want to help and educate people.
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Speaker 2: That's right, That's right.
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Speaker 1: So speaking of capacity, that's what the topic of this
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Speaker 1: episode is, which is gonna be a big one because
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Speaker 1: you talk a lot about capacity and your content. So
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Speaker 1: this is episode twenty five and it is titled It's
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Speaker 1: a capacity Issue. So let's go to the science. Let's
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Speaker 1: go to doctor Hensley, and let's let her explain what
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Speaker 1: exactly that means.
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Speaker 2: Yes, so in my group, if if you join my group,
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Speaker 2: or if you coach with me individually, if you coach
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Speaker 2: with Elizabeth, but particularly, there's a lot of psycho education
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Speaker 2: that we do. And psycho education is simply explaining how
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Speaker 2: our brains and nervous system work, how our emotions work,
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Speaker 2: how our thoughts influence our emotions, how our emotions influence
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Speaker 2: our behavior. All of that is what we call psycho education. Right,
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Speaker 2: So I give some psycho education and then I give
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Speaker 2: the actual tools for change. So if I've said it once,
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Speaker 2: I'll say it a million times again. Knowing something and
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Speaker 2: having an awareness of an shoe, that you have, a wound,
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Speaker 2: that you have, a pattern that you have, etc. Does
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Speaker 2: not fix it. Awareness and knowing does not directly lead
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Speaker 2: to change. There are mediators between the pathway of knowing
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Speaker 2: and executing something different than you've always done, and that
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Speaker 2: is building your capacity. So what does it mean to
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Speaker 2: build capacity? Okay, so first of all, you have to
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Speaker 2: understand what self regulation is. Self regulation is this ability
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Speaker 2: to control your behavior, and it happens when we can
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Speaker 2: bring our nervous system into a state of safety. Then
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Speaker 2: we actually become consciously aware of ourselves, mindful of our
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Speaker 2: own behavior, and we sort of turn on the parts
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Speaker 2: of the brain related to self control, which is an
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Speaker 2: executive function. Okay, it's what makes us different than animals.
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Speaker 2: Animals operate on instinct, and beings have a capacity to
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Speaker 2: operate consciously and deliberately and to control our own behavior.
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Speaker 2: But there are times where we lose that capacity, and
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Speaker 2: that is when our nervous systems come under threat. Right,
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Speaker 2: and because of attachment traumas when we are young, our
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Speaker 2: nervous system learns to stay in a state of dysregulation
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Speaker 2: because of continual patterns that we were exposed to from
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Speaker 2: our caregivers in childhood. Okay, so in order to explain
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Speaker 2: this thing, I'm just going to take one attachment style
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Speaker 2: and focus on it because I think that'll make it
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Speaker 2: easier to understand. Let's talk about the dismissive avoidant, because
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Speaker 2: everybody loves to hear about it. Everybody.
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Speaker 1: Everybody loves to hate the d I know, yeah, they're
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Speaker 1: just they're perplexed.
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Speaker 2: It's fascinating, fascinated by the DA And I mean I
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Speaker 2: was too. I was fascinated, which is interesting because they're
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Speaker 2: actually the most predictable absolutely least, I don't want to
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Speaker 2: say complex, but least variable. They're not complex. Yeah, the
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Speaker 2: DA is, they're so text books. The FA is the
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Speaker 2: most complex of the attachment styles. The DA is the
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Speaker 2: least complex of the attachment styles. And that is why
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Speaker 2: we see consistency and lack of variability in their behavior,
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Speaker 2: because it's like they go to DA University and get
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Speaker 2: a diploma and dismissive avoidance.
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Speaker 1: Right.
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Speaker 2: I always that's like my go to line, just because
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Speaker 2: they're so dang predictable. Right, So how does dismissive avoidance
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Speaker 2: develop It develops when in childhood caregivers regularly during key
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Speaker 2: attachment years from zero to five years old and then beyond, dismiss, ignore,
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Speaker 2: or punish the emotions of their children. So, think about
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Speaker 2: an adult that is has like a don't cryer, I'll
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Speaker 2: give you something to cry about sort of mentality towards
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Speaker 2: their child. You know, crying about it's not going to
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Speaker 2: get you anywhere. Stop crying. Why are you crying? Why
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Speaker 2: are you crying about that? You know, stop being so upset.
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Speaker 2: I don't have time for this right now. I don't
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Speaker 2: want to deal with your tantrum. Go away. Shame around emotions,
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Speaker 2: shame around emotion, ignoring emotions, or you know, punishing emotions, right,
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Speaker 2: or that's no big deal, you shouldn't worry about that dismissing.
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Speaker 2: Dismissing I called the dismissive avoidant. So what does that
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Speaker 2: do to a child? Well, the first thing that happens
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Speaker 2: is the child looks around and goes, well, I have
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Speaker 2: all these big feelings, but it looks like nobody else
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Speaker 2: around me does. So I guess that means there's something
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Speaker 2: wrong with me. I must be defective, I must be
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Speaker 2: have been made wrong right. It's like defectiveness is a
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Speaker 2: feeling of like I'm broken and there's nothing that can
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Speaker 2: be done to fix me right, And that is the
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Speaker 2: core wound of the dismissive avoidant. And so they grow
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Speaker 2: up the only strategy a child has to deal with
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Speaker 2: being dismissed in terms of their emotions is to suppress emotions.
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Speaker 2: The child doesn't have any ability to fully go through
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Speaker 2: the emotional expression and regulation process, the full cycle of
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Speaker 2: emotional processing without guidance from an adult. It is something
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Speaker 2: that is learned, it's not inherent to us. So they
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Speaker 2: don't They don't have the capacity, and that is supposed
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Speaker 2: to be. Part of the way that children protect parents
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Speaker 2: is to give them emotional attunement to allow them to
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Speaker 2: go through the proper emotional processing cycles and developmental cycles
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Speaker 2: of nervous system regulation and development. That's the way parents
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Speaker 2: are supposed to protect their children. When we dismiss and
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Speaker 2: punish the emotions of our children, children go into a
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Speaker 2: primal state of suppression, Like they go watch cartoons, right, Like,
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Speaker 2: they're gonna and go watch cartoons, or they're gonna go
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Speaker 2: play outside, or they're gonna go get on YouTube, write
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Speaker 2: whatever you let your kids do. And then what happens
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Speaker 2: to them as adults. Do you think they magically start
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Speaker 2: creating neural connections around understanding and processing their own emotions. No, No,
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Speaker 2: their brain develops in a way to start to automatically
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Speaker 2: suppress emotion when it comes up right, it starts to
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Speaker 2: be it is a choice that the nervous system makes
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Speaker 2: for them, and they're going into a level two trauma response,
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Speaker 2: which is the state of freeze, which is complete dissociation
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Speaker 2: and disconnection from one's emotions. That's what suppression is. So
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Speaker 2: then the DA grows up and they get into a
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Speaker 2: romantic relationship. Yes, they're made Their main wound is defectiveness,
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Speaker 2: but that wound of defectiveness is surrounded by all of
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Speaker 2: these subconscious and internal fears around being close to someone,
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Speaker 2: being vulnerable with someone, being intimate, with someone, being committed
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Speaker 2: to someone, meeting someone else's expectations inside of a close relationship.
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Speaker 2: And so in the beginning of relationships, they can show
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Speaker 2: up really well. They can really pour their heart and
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Speaker 2: soul out to someone because the partner is low stakes
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Speaker 2: and not triggering to them because remember, their wounds come
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Speaker 2: up when real closeness, real intimacy, conflict in a relationship,
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Speaker 2: and real connection develops.
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Speaker 1: I saw a question in the group the other day
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Speaker 1: that I think it's worth asking that I think brings
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Speaker 1: an interesting aspect to it, and you could shine light
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Speaker 1: on it.
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Speaker 2: Somebody asked if.
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Speaker 1: They had had some experience they felt like they were
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Speaker 1: dismissive avoidant, but they'd had some experience where their partner
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Speaker 1: when they would become sick or injured, they were able
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Speaker 1: to be vulnerable with them, and then immediately once the
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Speaker 1: once their partner got better, they went back to like
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Speaker 1: dissociating and being dismissive.
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Speaker 2: That's actually counter to how most das act. But there's
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Speaker 2: a small subset of das that are very people pleasing
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Speaker 2: das and they sort of can. I've seen that in
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Speaker 2: a few das. I definitely don't think it's the norm. Yeah,
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Speaker 2: which kind of goes against the fact that das are
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Speaker 2: super predictable. But really, I would say it was this
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Speaker 2: very small percentage of das that actually have that experience.
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Speaker 2: Most das which row more when their partner gets sicker injured.
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Speaker 1: Yea.
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Speaker 2: It seems a weakness and vulnerability.
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Speaker 1: And I know that there are certain das where a
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Speaker 1: lot of them, you know, their parents put a ton
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Speaker 1: of emphasis on performance, right, and so to sort of
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Speaker 1: be able to come in if your partner's injured or
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Speaker 1: sick and be this hero in terms of performance, like
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Speaker 1: whether that's you know, taking care of them, fixing the mills.
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Speaker 1: You know.
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Speaker 2: That's the way that they sort of show their love
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Speaker 2: is the acts. Yeah, through acts of service. The number
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Speaker 2: one way a DA is going to show love is
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Speaker 2: through acts of service. Gifts, gifts and acts of service.
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Speaker 2: That those are there two ways that they show love.
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Speaker 2: There also might be a little fa that leans dismissive.
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Speaker 2: There could be they may just not have the right
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Speaker 2: attention style potential right where they're so dismissive. But when
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Speaker 2: there's like a potential threat of loss, like my partner
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Speaker 2: could be so sick or so injured that like then
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Speaker 2: they're not going to be here anymore. Then that activates
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Speaker 2: some of my anxiety and I want to get closer
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Speaker 2: and I want to connect, So that could be happening.
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Speaker 2: I'm not sure. I would have to obviously assess them
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Speaker 2: to know that. But sort of going back to how
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Speaker 2: dismissive avoidance behave in adult romantic relationships, after like the
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Speaker 2: four to six month mark, it's almost so insanely predictable
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Speaker 2: that it's I've had maybe even a thousand people tell
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Speaker 2: me it was right at four to six months where
12:52
Speaker 2: the bait and switch happened where they're all of a
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Speaker 2: sudden their partner starts to be with you. It was
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Speaker 2: right at four months, yep, for sure, where they start
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Speaker 2: to withdraw what we call deactivate and becoming distant, right
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Speaker 2: because their wounds around feeling defective, because when they start
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Speaker 2: to slowly like slip away, their partners like what's happening,
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Speaker 2: Why are you distant? What's wrong with you? And then
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Speaker 2: that really makes them feel defective and attacked and criticized, right,
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Speaker 2: and then their wounds around oh my gosh, I have
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Speaker 2: to meet someone else's expectations, and oh my gosh, I'm
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Speaker 2: losing my independence, and oh my gosh, I'm I might
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Speaker 2: be trapped in this, and oh my gosh, is this
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Speaker 2: really what I want? All that starts coming up for
13:36
Speaker 2: them right, because the closeness is getting is getting stronger.
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Speaker 2: There's more commitment, more closeness, more expectation, right to meet
13:44
Speaker 2: someone else's needs. All of that comes up, right. And
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Speaker 2: so when that deactivation happens, what is happening to their
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Speaker 2: nervous system is that their nervous system starts to respond
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Speaker 2: to their trigger, that being triggered with going up into
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Speaker 2: a freeze state, which means emotional suppression, suppression. So they
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Speaker 2: start to suppress the feelings for the partner, which allows
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Speaker 2: them to maintain their distance and their avoidance right. And
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Speaker 2: so so many people have bought into this lie. If
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Speaker 2: they wanted to, they would, If they wanted to spend
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Speaker 2: time with me, they would, If they wanted to call me,
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Speaker 2: they would. But when their nervous system is in a
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Speaker 2: state of freeze, that is not an other's oriented response.
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Speaker 2: It's a survival response of self protection. It is a
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Speaker 2: way to stay regulated within their nervous system. The issues
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Speaker 2: you tell the difference, How do you tell the difference?
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Speaker 2: I would say, if they're in a committed relationship with
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Speaker 2: you in the first place, if they made it to commitment,
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Speaker 2: if they made it to the level of exclusivity in
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Speaker 2: your past, like the four to six month mark. It's
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Speaker 2: usually just not like I've genuinely just lost interest in you.
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Speaker 2: This is a I'm an avoidab I have lost capacity
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Speaker 2: to connect because my nervous system is starting to go
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Speaker 2: into a freeze response more and more and more, which
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Speaker 2: absolutely fundamentally neurologically prevents connection. Right, the only time we
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Speaker 2: become capable of true connection and intimacy is when we
15:20
Speaker 2: are regulated. And so when a dismissive avoidant becomes very
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Speaker 2: disregulated over conflict and intimacy and vulnerability and longevity, they
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Speaker 2: freeze and they dissociate. Therefore, that looks a lot like
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Speaker 2: deprioritizing the partner when emotional conversations come up, shutting down
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Speaker 2: or saying I just don't know what I want, I
15:39
Speaker 2: just don't know how I feel, because they really don't
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Speaker 2: know because they can't access their own emotions because they're supressing,
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Speaker 2: which I think is a big point. That video did
15:48
Speaker 2: so good on TikTok. It was like has like four
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Speaker 2: point or maybe even like five million views now, which
15:55
Speaker 2: was like, when your partner says I don't know what
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Speaker 2: they want when you're in a fight, they're probably shut
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Speaker 2: down and in a freeze response and they can't access
16:03
Speaker 2: their own emotions. Therefore, when they say I don't know,
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Speaker 2: they mean it like they're frozen, Like they're blank, like
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Speaker 2: they're living in blank space area. Right. They can't tell
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Speaker 2: you how they feel or what they want because they
16:14
Speaker 2: can't access that part of themselves. And so that's what
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Speaker 2: I mean by it being a capacity issue. You cannot
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Speaker 2: most of the time white knuckle your way through a
16:26
Speaker 2: trauma response of the nervous system for very long. Some
16:30
Speaker 2: people have the ability to do it for a short
16:31
Speaker 2: period of time. That's why you might see your partner
16:34
Speaker 2: change a little bit when you really get on them,
16:36
Speaker 2: but then they revert right back to the old behaviors. Right.
16:39
Speaker 2: This is the same for the emotional reactivity of the
16:41
Speaker 2: FA Yeah, that's what I was gonna say. An FFA
16:43
Speaker 2: who goes into an immediate fight response, You're like, why
16:47
Speaker 2: do you get so angry so quickly because their nervous
16:50
Speaker 2: system is making that decision for them, like subconsciously. It's
16:54
Speaker 2: they're not like, you know what I think, I'm just
16:56
Speaker 2: gonna yell at you right now because I feel like it.
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Speaker 2: It happens automatically. Their nervous systems have been trained to
17:04
Speaker 2: do that. It is a capacity issue. Now, Please don't
17:09
Speaker 2: please don't just twist what I'm saying here. I'm not
17:14
Speaker 2: saying you should not have boundaries around those things. You
17:16
Speaker 2: should accept that someone yells at you, or you should
17:20
Speaker 2: accept your partner constantly shutting down and dissociating for you're saying.
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Speaker 2: I'm not saying that at all. I teach boundaries around
17:27
Speaker 2: those things, right It Just because you lack capacity doesn't
17:31
Speaker 2: mean you're not an adult who's responsible for understanding yourself
17:34
Speaker 2: enough and trying to have like some intervention to gain capacity.
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Speaker 2: But where a lot of coaches, therapists, et cetera miss
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Speaker 2: the mark is that they try to focus only on
17:46
Speaker 2: awareness and then here's like it's like, well, here's your pattern, Okay,
17:50
Speaker 2: here's what to do differently. Don't yell at your partner,
17:53
Speaker 2: take a break, stop and take a break. If they
17:56
Speaker 2: could stop and take a breath, they would, But the
17:59
Speaker 2: trigger side happen so fast and the nervous system is
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Speaker 2: activated into those trauma responses so quickly they can't know
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Speaker 2: it is a capacity in you. So what do we
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Speaker 2: do about that? You have to take the steps and
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Speaker 2: the tools are not super complicated, but also not something
18:21
Speaker 2: that I have time to teach here or you know,
18:24
Speaker 2: I have to have something to charge for right to teach,
18:28
Speaker 2: I have to have a service to have a lifeways.
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Speaker 1: So much free wonderful information. I mean this is this
18:34
Speaker 1: is an access everybody has access to this platform.
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Speaker 2: That is totally true, right, But I teach tools around
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Speaker 2: one metacognition, which is learning. How so we break down
18:45
Speaker 2: the trigger cycle, like what is happening from the moment
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Speaker 2: that the subconscious trigger happens to the moment you execute
18:50
Speaker 2: the trauma response?
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Speaker 1: Right?
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Speaker 2: What is everything that's happening to your your mind and
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Speaker 2: into your nervous system that that results in the ending behavior.
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Speaker 2: We go through all of that cycle education, we'd identify
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Speaker 2: your own patterns. We go through what happens in the
19:04
Speaker 2: trigger cyclepened in your childhood? Yeah, yep, Then we break
19:08
Speaker 2: down Okay, where can we dismantle the trigger cycle and
19:11
Speaker 2: what is the tool around dismantling it.
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Speaker 1: So it would be so helpful to coach somebody on air, Yes,
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Speaker 1: so our listeners could really see how it's broken down.
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Speaker 2: Yeah, And I mean and of course this is a process, right, Yeah,
19:21
Speaker 2: so I probably wouldn't be able to get through it
19:23
Speaker 2: was in one session a practice, it's the practice.
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Speaker 1: So it's consistently showing to see.
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Speaker 2: It's consistency and practicing of the tools that builds capacity.
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Speaker 1: And that is basically the definition of how coaching is different. Right,
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Speaker 1: It's like this consistent like it's like it's like having
19:38
Speaker 1: a nutrition coach. Right, It's not like I could meet
19:40
Speaker 1: with like if I wanted to lose weight or get
19:42
Speaker 1: more fit. Right, It's not like I could meet with
19:44
Speaker 1: a nutrition coach for an hour and then all my
19:46
Speaker 1: problems are solved and I just all of a sudden
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Speaker 1: this very like disciplined, you know, watching everything I eat
19:52
Speaker 1: type of person. It takes this other party to come
19:56
Speaker 1: in who has the knowledge absolutely to keep you on
19:59
Speaker 1: track and to help you execute what to do.
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Speaker 2: Right. And so that's just the perfect example. So the
20:09
Speaker 2: fact that awareness does not equal execution is like if
20:12
Speaker 2: I'm like, oh, you have weight loss goals, Well, here's
20:15
Speaker 2: the perfect meal plan and here are the perfect exercises
20:18
Speaker 2: in the gym. That's going to give you the body
20:19
Speaker 2: that you want. You can stare at that piece of
20:21
Speaker 2: paper and memorize the meal plan and memorize the exercises.
20:25
Speaker 2: But did your body change because you did that? Right? No? No,
20:29
Speaker 2: you have to show up at the gym and pick.
20:31
Speaker 1: Up those weights to integrate.
20:33
Speaker 2: Yeah, you have to prep that food and eat those meals. Yeah, right,
20:39
Speaker 2: But how do you get from here's what you should
20:42
Speaker 2: do to executing doing it? And that's where a lot
20:45
Speaker 2: of nutrition coaches and fitness people fail too. Mm hm
20:48
Speaker 2: is they just pound in how to do it, how
20:51
Speaker 2: to do it? How to do it? You know, in
20:53
Speaker 2: terms of like just look at what this information is
20:58
Speaker 2: and then go execute it. Right, that's there how to
21:00
Speaker 2: do it. And I'm like, no, that doesn't change people's
21:03
Speaker 2: internal motivations. That doesn't change people's barriers to execution. So,
21:09
Speaker 2: for me, in my line of work, if you know
21:12
Speaker 2: that attachment security and being able to show up well
21:14
Speaker 2: inside of a relationship where you can handle conflict respectfully,
21:18
Speaker 2: where you can be open to others' ideas and opinions
21:20
Speaker 2: where you can validate and be an active listener, where
21:23
Speaker 2: you can stay engaged in difficult moments. That comes from
21:27
Speaker 2: training your nervous system to tolerate those things. And it
21:31
Speaker 2: feels really uncomfortable at first.
21:34
Speaker 1: Very that's what people have to I mean again, if
21:37
Speaker 1: you use the analogy of health and nutrition here, like,
21:42
Speaker 1: think about it. When you start that journey, it's really uncomfortable.
21:46
Speaker 2: Very And if I was teaching somebody in that space
21:49
Speaker 2: to do the work that I'm doing, what I would
21:52
Speaker 2: say is like, and this is where I think. When
21:55
Speaker 2: I was on like a really big fitness journey and
21:58
Speaker 2: I spent so much money on coaches, I think the
22:02
Speaker 2: coaches may have failed in not building capacity in the
22:08
Speaker 2: right way. They would put like an hour and a
22:11
Speaker 2: half workout on my plate, and I would dread. I
22:14
Speaker 2: would have to just block off this huge part of
22:17
Speaker 2: my day for fifteen minutes to drive to the gym,
22:19
Speaker 2: fifteen minutes to drive home, than an hour and a
22:20
Speaker 2: half there, it's two hours plus you know, getting you're
22:25
Speaker 2: soaking wet when you're done, you need gotta shower afterwards,
22:28
Speaker 2: can't get a shower before. That's a waste of turn day, right,
22:32
Speaker 2: And I started to give up right because it was
22:35
Speaker 2: this huge commitment. It was too overwhelming. But when I
22:38
Speaker 2: started doing the journey on my own, and I was like,
22:40
Speaker 2: I'm just going to commit six exercises when I go
22:42
Speaker 2: to the gym, I'm going to do six six sets,
22:45
Speaker 2: three eight, three sets of eight reps.
22:51
Speaker 1: Thirty minutes thirty.
22:52
Speaker 2: To forty five minute workouts. I'll kill it, yep, right,
22:56
Speaker 2: And the consistency still gets me there. So a lot
22:59
Speaker 2: of what I do, especially for the dismissive avoidance, is
23:02
Speaker 2: exactly what Dana came on and talked about in terms
23:04
Speaker 2: of expanding your window of tolerance. So when I teach
23:07
Speaker 2: a dismissive avoidant to actually start accessing and processing their emotions,
23:13
Speaker 2: it's so big and so foreign to them. And I'm
23:16
Speaker 2: always give the caveat like if, especially if you're an
23:19
Speaker 2: FA or you're one of those small number of das
23:22
Speaker 2: that's had severe trauma childhood, get a trauma therapist to
23:24
Speaker 2: do this with. Don't try it on your own, yeah, right,
23:27
Speaker 2: And trauma therapists are covered under insurance, so you know,
23:31
Speaker 2: but take this to the trauma therapist and say this
23:33
Speaker 2: is what I want to do. I want to feel
23:34
Speaker 2: these feelings. I want to do it here beside you,
23:37
Speaker 2: right where you can have somebody that's actively working with you,
23:40
Speaker 2: or if you work with me one on one. I
23:42
Speaker 2: do it with people one on one. They have to
23:45
Speaker 2: microdose their own emotions, which it's like, okay, let's feel
23:49
Speaker 2: them in our body. But if you can only feel
23:51
Speaker 2: it in your body for thirty seconds before that suppression
23:53
Speaker 2: starts to kick in, radically accept that I did it
23:56
Speaker 2: for thirty seconds. You go me, yeah, I've never done it,
23:59
Speaker 2: isn't you know? Since I was three years old, I
24:01
Speaker 2: finally felt something, but I only did it for thirty
24:03
Speaker 2: seconds until I wanted to run away. Okay, that's cool.
24:06
Speaker 1: Well, another thing that Dana brought up that a lot
24:08
Speaker 1: of people don't know is that Bay, it starts at
24:12
Speaker 1: the basic human needs level.
24:15
Speaker 2: Yes, we go all through Maslow's hierarchy.
24:18
Speaker 1: Right, So and so many people who are disregulated don't
24:23
Speaker 1: even realize that they're completely ignoring the basic human need
24:29
Speaker 1: of going to the bathroom, drinking when you're thirsty, eating
24:32
Speaker 1: when you're hungry, and.
24:33
Speaker 2: When you're tired.
24:34
Speaker 1: Right, like these things and again not to get it
24:36
Speaker 1: totally into nervous system disregulation, because we have a whole
24:39
Speaker 1: other episode on that DAYA did. But it you know,
24:41
Speaker 1: people not recognizing that those needs need to come first
24:45
Speaker 1: before you try to have maybe these sessions.
24:48
Speaker 2: And that goes back to Maslow's hierarchy of needs. You
24:51
Speaker 2: can google Maslow's hierarchy of needs and look at the
24:53
Speaker 2: bottom rung. Its physiological needs have to be met, then
24:56
Speaker 2: safety needs have to be met, right, and so we
24:58
Speaker 2: go over that part of the psychic education and we
25:03
Speaker 2: But what I teach people to do is actually take
25:06
Speaker 2: control of their mind and then use certain tools that
25:09
Speaker 2: are scientifically or you know, scientifically I should say, ballad,
25:14
Speaker 2: which they have a lot of empirical evidence for their
25:19
Speaker 2: for their use and like for their missing a word here, efficacy.
25:24
Speaker 2: That's the word I'm trying to find. Efficacy. There's a
25:27
Speaker 2: lot of science behind the efficacy of the tools that
25:29
Speaker 2: I teach on how to train your nervous system to
25:32
Speaker 2: stay regulated. And part of that goes in the order
25:37
Speaker 2: of taking control of your thoughts then using proper emotional
25:41
Speaker 2: processing techniques with which nobody has ever learned. I mean,
25:44
Speaker 2: everybody with insecure attachments processes their emotions ineffectively. Okay, emotional
25:50
Speaker 2: processing has to come has to be paired with neuroregulation
25:54
Speaker 2: because we have to process our emotions while sending our
25:57
Speaker 2: brain signals that it's safe to feel those things, right
26:00
Speaker 2: and with the DA specifically, specifically where we have to
26:05
Speaker 2: micro dose that yeah, yeah, because it's become and build
26:07
Speaker 2: their window of tolerance for it, right, and they micro
26:13
Speaker 2: dose it and they expand their window of tolerance sitting
26:15
Speaker 2: with their own emotions and understanding their emotions and feeling
26:18
Speaker 2: it within their own body and then using neurow regulation
26:21
Speaker 2: to take the nervous system down into a state of safety,
26:24
Speaker 2: so their brains because we're all products of conditioning. The
26:27
Speaker 2: brain can be conditioned to pair emotional experiences with safety,
26:33
Speaker 2: even if they're difficult or negative emotions with safety, and
26:37
Speaker 2: the anxious can't do that either. What does the anxious do?
26:39
Speaker 2: They have no control over their emotions, and so the
26:43
Speaker 2: emotions are running rampant and they're feeling all this tests
26:45
Speaker 2: comfort in their body, and then it just primes them
26:47
Speaker 2: to just try to get connection immediately in order to
26:51
Speaker 2: soothe that. So they're seeking connection from somebody else for
26:53
Speaker 2: the other person to come in and soothe their emotional dysregulation.
26:57
Speaker 2: Dismissive avoidant is like, hey, I don't need anybody else
26:59
Speaker 2: because I can sus a hardcore myself, right, and I
27:01
Speaker 2: don't need you. I'm just gonna pull the plug. But again,
27:05
Speaker 2: these are not conscious decisions. These are automatic decisions that
27:10
Speaker 2: the nervous system is making for you to try to
27:12
Speaker 2: ensure your survival because you were conditioned that way from childhood.
27:17
Speaker 2: But anything that's conditioned, we can uncondition it. We can
27:20
Speaker 2: relearn something different.
27:22
Speaker 1: Which I know brings me to a point about I
27:24
Speaker 1: think I asked you one day on the way here
27:26
Speaker 1: to talk about the neurop plasticity of the brain, and
27:29
Speaker 1: because it always fascinates me when you really go into
27:32
Speaker 1: the depths of the brain and how we can we
27:36
Speaker 1: have we have the power to control it and change it.
27:41
Speaker 2: Absolutely, the brain is so moldable. I always say the
27:45
Speaker 2: brain's like Plato and not necessarily like like your brain's
27:49
Speaker 2: like changing shape. I mean a little bit, yeah, because
27:52
Speaker 2: you can lose matter in certain areas of the brain
27:54
Speaker 2: and then that matter can kind of come back or whatever.
27:58
Speaker 2: But in terms of like neural connections, think about if
28:02
Speaker 2: you've had the same thought patterns around a certain trigger,
28:06
Speaker 2: Like take the DA's thoughts. The DA's thoughts are so predictable.
28:08
Speaker 2: It's like, I can't do this. This just sover me.
28:14
Speaker 2: This is so overwhelming. I don't want to be in
28:15
Speaker 2: this conflict right now. Oh my gosh, here we go again.
28:19
Speaker 2: It's another conflict. I don't think I can do this
28:22
Speaker 2: right now. So there's like they tell themselves they don't
28:24
Speaker 2: want to do it, They tell themselves they can't do it.
28:25
Speaker 1: Right, and they tell themselves that their partner is just
28:27
Speaker 1: not right for them.
28:28
Speaker 2: Right, I shouldn't have to do it. That's another thought, right,
28:30
Speaker 2: like this is unfair, So I shouldn't really have to
28:33
Speaker 2: deal with this right now. Maybe they're just not right
28:36
Speaker 2: for me. They want something I just can't give. They'd
28:38
Speaker 2: be better suited for some with someone else, Right, Those
28:42
Speaker 2: are very common thoughts of the dismissive avoid it. So
28:44
Speaker 2: if we're just taking a thought piece, think about that
28:47
Speaker 2: they have had those thought patterns so much from every
28:53
Speaker 2: relationship they've had. It's formed yeah an hiadaw, It's formed
28:57
Speaker 2: a deep groove in the brain where there's all the
29:00
Speaker 2: really tight neural connections around that thought pattern. But when
29:03
Speaker 2: I start teaching people meta cognitive work and they start
29:05
Speaker 2: to shift their thought patterns, and it's all of a
29:09
Speaker 2: sudden instead of Oh, I can't do this right now,
29:11
Speaker 2: I just don't have the energy for this, it becomes Okay,
29:15
Speaker 2: I know this is uncomfortable, but it's my responsibility to
29:17
Speaker 2: stay engaged with my partner. I'm going to breathe through
29:19
Speaker 2: this discomfort.
29:21
Speaker 1: Right because the magic really happens in the midst of.
29:24
Speaker 2: It, the midst of it. But it takes practice to
29:27
Speaker 2: get there, right, which is why I have a lot
29:29
Speaker 2: of stop gaps in what I teach too to help
29:32
Speaker 2: people who are trying to make these tools automatic. But
29:37
Speaker 2: that takes months of practice. So we have stop gaps
29:39
Speaker 2: that we put in there, and that's you know, if
29:41
Speaker 2: you go through my program, you'll learn all that. But
29:45
Speaker 2: what I will say is the mindset shift in real
29:49
Speaker 2: time and practicing those shifts in our thought patterns. When
29:53
Speaker 2: we stop lighting up those old pathways that are in
29:56
Speaker 2: those deep grooves, they start to disappear, which is insane,
30:00
Speaker 2: right fascinating, and we can rewire a whole new pathway
30:03
Speaker 2: and develop strong connections in the new pathway, which is
30:06
Speaker 2: hard when you say, Sarah, you are a fundamentally different
30:11
Speaker 2: person than you were five years ago. That's what happened
30:15
Speaker 2: to my brain. I am fundamentally different because a lot
30:18
Speaker 2: of those old pathways don't exist anymore, or they're very faint.
30:22
Speaker 2: And so when I had the trauma a couple of
30:24
Speaker 2: months ago, the trauma that we shall not talk about
30:26
Speaker 2: yet or maybe if ever, I don't know, and you said,
30:31
Speaker 2: I see you regressing, it's because those old pathways started
30:34
Speaker 2: trying to light up again, right, They started trying to
30:37
Speaker 2: like came out from the grave, right, because there's there's
30:41
Speaker 2: some remnants of them still there. Those neural connections are
30:44
Speaker 2: they're weak and a lot of them are dismantled, but
30:48
Speaker 2: there was still some remnant of them there. That was like, ooh, familiarity,
30:51
Speaker 2: re traumatization, Let me go back to anxiety and fear
30:54
Speaker 2: and obsession and rumination and all that. And it was like, nope,
30:58
Speaker 2: go back to square one.
31:00
Speaker 1: Just what you preach, Sarah, and then you know, and.
31:01
Speaker 2: Strengthen those pathways that you worked so hard to build.
31:04
Speaker 1: Yeah, I mean in any intervention, and God's huge part
31:07
Speaker 1: of that, Yeah, intervention is it's so ongoing you know,
31:11
Speaker 1: it's this journey that never really has a destination. And
31:15
Speaker 1: I think it's important to mention this because I can fundamentally,
31:20
Speaker 1: as human beings, we want this quick fix, we want
31:23
Speaker 1: this instant gratification, and in these circumstances where you're dealing
31:28
Speaker 1: with the brain and neural connections, it takes a long time.
31:32
Speaker 1: It takes months, yeah, it takes not years, months, yeah,
31:35
Speaker 1: but then it also takes some practice even when maybe
31:39
Speaker 1: things do come up, to go back and revisit that,
31:41
Speaker 1: like you were just saying, you know, so don't like.
31:44
Speaker 1: I think that's important to mention just because you may think, Okay,
31:48
Speaker 1: well now I'm healed and I feel great, but then
31:50
Speaker 1: something might happen where you kind of regress and you
31:53
Speaker 1: have to remember those tools.
31:54
Speaker 2: You have to go back to them. Yeah, yeah, you do,
31:57
Speaker 2: because it takes a long time for those pathways to
32:00
Speaker 2: sort of dissipate enough. Even more so i'd say for
32:03
Speaker 2: the DA, right, yeah, yeah, because because they have they're
32:08
Speaker 2: such slow emotional processors. And for the DA, we're building
32:12
Speaker 2: a lot of connections that have never existed. Right, Those
32:16
Speaker 2: connections are there for the FA in terms of how
32:19
Speaker 2: to how to understand their own emotions. It's just that
32:23
Speaker 2: their own they're so triggered by their emotions that then
32:26
Speaker 2: they react into the trauma response. The DA is going
32:29
Speaker 2: into suppression. So there's this extra step of having to
32:32
Speaker 2: feel their own emotions to begin with to even start
32:36
Speaker 2: to process them. Right, So there's an extra step. Plus
32:40
Speaker 2: they have to microdose it because they their window of
32:43
Speaker 2: tolerance is so small at first, and then they have
32:46
Speaker 2: to work on expanding their window of tolerance of actually
32:50
Speaker 2: sitting with their own discomfort and their own emotions without suppressing, right.
32:56
Speaker 2: And I give them the tools to do that. And
32:58
Speaker 2: I have a lot of DAS success stories, a ton
33:03
Speaker 2: and tons.
33:04
Speaker 1: I mean again, a lot of the messages I read
33:06
Speaker 1: come from the partners of das that really want to
33:10
Speaker 1: see this change in their partner, and I always encourage them,
33:13
Speaker 1: and I encourage any of the listeners today to, you know,
33:16
Speaker 1: go check out your testimonials because there are some fantastic
33:18
Speaker 1: ones that really speak on you know, either being the
33:22
Speaker 1: partner of a DA or the DA themselves and really
33:26
Speaker 1: having some massive change.
33:30
Speaker 2: Massive change. Yeah, it's because we created capacity, yeah right, Yeah,
33:37
Speaker 2: it's putting something in between the knowing and executing and
33:40
Speaker 2: that's where so many other coaches miss the mark in
33:45
Speaker 2: a lot of different areas. Yeah, yeah, right, you have
33:49
Speaker 2: to build people's capacity for change. There are I'm not
33:53
Speaker 2: going to lie. I mean, God works miracles and people
33:55
Speaker 2: and people have tragic things that happen that fundamentally shift
33:59
Speaker 2: them quickly, usually not for the positive, usually for the negative.
34:05
Speaker 2: But quick shifts can happen, but usually those have to
34:08
Speaker 2: be pretty dramatic circumstances to cause quick shifts in people.
34:12
Speaker 2: Change is usually built slowly over time, and the radical
34:16
Speaker 2: self acceptance of where we are in the process is
34:19
Speaker 2: a huge part of it. And this is something that
34:21
Speaker 2: Dana really talks a lot about. Dana Dauzie again, love her,
34:24
Speaker 2: Love you, Dana. You were You're an amazing teacher. I'm
34:28
Speaker 2: still like a lifelong learner and continuing to learn from
34:30
Speaker 2: inside her information is like gold gold nuggets, which is
34:36
Speaker 2: just that whenever we have shame, like I should be
34:41
Speaker 2: doing this, or I should be getting there faster, I
34:43
Speaker 2: should be healing faster. Why am I not executing perfectly
34:46
Speaker 2: like today? I quote should and I'm trying to get
34:49
Speaker 2: should out of my vocabulary because should equal shame, Right,
34:54
Speaker 2: I should have gone to the gym this morning. I
34:56
Speaker 2: should have either gone to jazzer size or gone to
34:59
Speaker 2: the y and live it waits. And this week has
35:03
Speaker 2: been such a whirlwind, and there was just a lot
35:05
Speaker 2: of stress this week with a lot of just extra
35:07
Speaker 2: things going on in our lives, that my nervous system
35:10
Speaker 2: was saying, nope, you got Nope. I wanted a slow
35:15
Speaker 2: morning where I could take a really long shower and
35:19
Speaker 2: I could just think about what I wanted to wear,
35:21
Speaker 2: and I could kind of scroll social media, and I
35:24
Speaker 2: could pray, and I could do drink my coffee, and
35:28
Speaker 2: like getting in a workout would have removed all of
35:30
Speaker 2: that time, because what we know we have to do
35:33
Speaker 2: is like if we go work out, we're Russian Russan Russian,
35:35
Speaker 2: Russan Russian to get here.
35:36
Speaker 1: Yeah, right, Yeah, I was very thankful for my slow morning.
35:40
Speaker 2: Yeah, you're usually teaching jazzer side.
35:42
Speaker 1: I teach on these Thursday mornings, and I really after
35:44
Speaker 1: what happened, you know, last night with the chicken drama,
35:47
Speaker 1: I really needed that. Sounds so slow morning, but I
35:51
Speaker 1: needed a slow morning.
35:52
Speaker 2: Right, I did, right, And so instead of shaming myself
35:56
Speaker 2: for that, I should have gone to the gym, I'm
35:58
Speaker 2: getting saggy. Maybe I'll get fat. If I stop exercising,
36:01
Speaker 2: I'm going to go unhealthy. I'm gonna get sick, I'm
36:03
Speaker 2: gonna get disease. If I stop exercising, I'm gonna be
36:05
Speaker 2: stiff and immobile. Those are all the things I would
36:07
Speaker 2: have counted myself with before. And I'm just like, you
36:10
Speaker 2: know what, I'm not feeling it today, and that's okay.
36:13
Speaker 2: I'm gonna listen to my body. I'm gonna listen to
36:15
Speaker 2: my nervous system which is telling me that rest would
36:18
Speaker 2: be good, and I'm going to remove the shame from that.
36:21
Speaker 2: I'm not going to worry about getting you know, stiff
36:24
Speaker 2: or weak or saggy or any of those things.
36:27
Speaker 1: Because it's the shame, and the shame is more harmful
36:30
Speaker 1: than not going to the gym.
36:32
Speaker 2: And I know we preach that all lot, right, but
36:34
Speaker 2: we do. It's so true. Stress will kill you faster
36:38
Speaker 2: than just about anything else. A dysregulated nervous system will
36:41
Speaker 2: bring on more disease than just about anything else. That's
36:45
Speaker 2: very true.
36:46
Speaker 1: And that's to show that so important, you know, and
36:50
Speaker 1: I think your group for anybody who's curious or wondering
36:54
Speaker 1: or who is just you know, really feeling called to
36:57
Speaker 1: maybe check it out. It's for we long. It includes
37:02
Speaker 1: her course, it's about I added it up. It's about
37:05
Speaker 1: eight hours, a little over eight hours of modules. I
37:08
Speaker 1: think there's thirty seven thirty nine modules total, and then
37:12
Speaker 1: it's accompanied with four live calls with doctor Hinsley. In
37:16
Speaker 1: a small group setting.
37:17
Speaker 2: Where you can be anonymous, yeah, you can be completely anonymous.
37:20
Speaker 2: And it's about half and half. I about half my
37:22
Speaker 2: people who turn on their cameras and they're like, Hi,
37:24
Speaker 2: I'm Bob, and I'm dismissive, avoidant, and half the people
37:27
Speaker 2: that are just like a blank screen. Yeah, and send
37:29
Speaker 2: messages via private chat and then I sort of read
37:33
Speaker 2: the messages silently and then I just sort of like
37:36
Speaker 2: summarize the gist of it and I answer the question.
37:39
Speaker 2: So you can remain completely anonymous because a lot of
37:42
Speaker 2: people dismiss they hear group, they kind of freak out.
37:44
Speaker 2: Yeah they do. I don't want to talk about my
37:45
Speaker 2: problems in a group. Well you don't have to. You
37:47
Speaker 2: can be a black screen who sends me a private
37:49
Speaker 2: message and then nobody knows it's you.
37:51
Speaker 1: But it's also important to know the value of the group.
37:54
Speaker 2: There's a solidarity, man.
37:55
Speaker 1: There's value in community, there's value in hearing and being
37:58
Speaker 1: around people that are be going through similar circumstances than you. Absolutely,
38:03
Speaker 1: you know, it's why things like AA work.
38:05
Speaker 2: Right.
38:06
Speaker 1: So if you're on that healing journey and you want
38:08
Speaker 1: to check out doctor Hensley services, another fantastic service. It's
38:11
Speaker 1: her executive Coaching package, which really I feel like in
38:15
Speaker 1: terms of building capacity, is a great service for those
38:19
Speaker 1: for those that are really needing that deeper intervention.
38:23
Speaker 2: Deep intense work. Like if you executive coach with me,
38:26
Speaker 2: you get access to me five days a week for
38:28
Speaker 2: thirty minutes a day either via text or phone call,
38:31
Speaker 2: plus an hour zoom with me a week.
38:34
Speaker 1: It's good for those troubleshooting issues where it really we're
38:38
Speaker 1: capacity building and the magic really happens, right. So like
38:41
Speaker 1: when you're in the midst of a crisis, you've got
38:45
Speaker 1: Doctor Hinsey to be like what do I do.
38:47
Speaker 2: Right, which is really good. And I get a lot
38:49
Speaker 2: of executive clients that, for example, their spouse has said
38:52
Speaker 2: I think I want to divorce yeah, and they're like,
38:55
Speaker 2: oh my god, this I don't want to get divorced.
38:57
Speaker 2: Now like the stuff has really hit the fan, and
39:01
Speaker 2: I want to be so careful on how I speak
39:03
Speaker 2: to my spouse and how I handle the situation to
39:06
Speaker 2: repair it and to try to at least, you know,
39:08
Speaker 2: get going. So the executive package is like, oh, they
39:11
Speaker 2: said this, and they can go text me like what
39:13
Speaker 2: are the right words that I need to use, and
39:15
Speaker 2: I'll literally give them the words and like, use my words.
39:17
Speaker 2: My words are better than your words because I'm not
39:19
Speaker 2: just regulated, right and.
39:21
Speaker 1: You're using your logical brain right. And that executive service
39:24
Speaker 1: is fairly exclusive. It's by interview only because doctor Hensley,
39:30
Speaker 1: it's important to her that you know it's a good
39:32
Speaker 1: match in terms of something that is really needed for
39:37
Speaker 1: the individual or the couple that is signing up for it.
39:39
Speaker 1: I actually do that interview process. So if you're interested
39:42
Speaker 1: in that, you can go visit her website at the
39:44
Speaker 1: datingdcoder dot com. You can check out her hybrid group
39:47
Speaker 1: coaching program, which is your most popular.
39:49
Speaker 2: It is it is because it's gonna give you everything
39:53
Speaker 2: you need to succeed in four weeks, and individual coaching
39:56
Speaker 2: can be great, but individual coaching a lot of time
40:01
Speaker 2: ends up being spent in the processing where people are
40:04
Speaker 2: wanting to vent. And that's fine because if you need
40:08
Speaker 2: to vent for a while before you can wrap your
40:10
Speaker 2: head around some of these things, we'll talk it out.
40:12
Speaker 2: We'll do that, you know, processing like cognitive processing piece.
40:18
Speaker 2: But if you're like I'm blue in the face with
40:20
Speaker 2: knowing what our patterns and problems are, but I don't
40:23
Speaker 2: know how to fix them, I feel stuck.
40:24
Speaker 1: We've been in therapy for ten years already.
40:26
Speaker 2: Right, Like you don't want to talk about the latest
40:28
Speaker 2: fight anymore, right then, the hybrid group is probably for you. Yeah,
40:33
Speaker 2: And if you want to sort of be able to
40:34
Speaker 2: do some of this on your own time where it's
40:37
Speaker 2: like you can listen, I made it where you can
40:39
Speaker 2: listen to the course in the car. You don't have
40:42
Speaker 2: to like sit there and take quizzes and interact. Just
40:44
Speaker 2: me talking now. A lot of the tools that I
40:47
Speaker 2: talk about and teach come with accompanying PDF printouts, so
40:50
Speaker 2: you can print them out right instead of having to
40:53
Speaker 2: constantly like go back and watch the modules. You can
40:55
Speaker 2: print these things out.
40:56
Speaker 1: And if you're a note taker, you know, I mean,
40:57
Speaker 1: that's always encouraged. You can't out if that helps you
41:01
Speaker 1: to remember things better, absolutely, But the hybrid I tell
41:04
Speaker 1: people all the time when they call to ask about
41:06
Speaker 1: the hybrid group coaching program, I'm like, listen, I feel
41:09
Speaker 1: like I know doctor Hinsley's brain at this point pretty well.
41:15
Speaker 2: Yeah.
41:15
Speaker 1: And every time that I've set in on the hybrid
41:18
Speaker 1: group coaching program, I still just get little nuggets of
41:21
Speaker 1: information where I'm just like, man, that is so insightful,
41:25
Speaker 1: and the light bulbs start to go off even more.
41:27
Speaker 1: It's like every time that I've set in, I've learned
41:29
Speaker 1: something new. I mean, I feel like I learned something
41:31
Speaker 1: new every time that we sit down and we do this,
41:33
Speaker 1: So thank you, thank you. This actually was pretty regulating
41:39
Speaker 1: from a nervous.
41:39
Speaker 2: System, yes, right, and it's normal to get disregulated. Sometimes
41:44
Speaker 2: we can't shame ourselves over it. I mean, the process
41:48
Speaker 2: of radical self acceptance is such a huge piece of
41:52
Speaker 2: regulating your nervous system and building capacity and building capacity.
41:56
Speaker 2: When we're shaming our own emotions and we're shaming our
41:59
Speaker 2: own needs, how can we learn to meet the needs
42:02
Speaker 2: of other people and understand other people's emotions when we
42:05
Speaker 2: can't handle our own shame of such a block, huge block.
42:10
Speaker 1: Yeah, I have to put explicit on this on anyway,
42:16
Speaker 1: So please, if you want to go check out doctor
42:19
Speaker 1: Hansley Services, go there at the dating dcoder dot com
42:23
Speaker 1: and be on the lookout because soon we're going to
42:26
Speaker 1: be rebranding.
42:27
Speaker 2: We're going to do merch. We're going to do merch.
42:30
Speaker 2: Merch is going to be so cool.
42:32
Speaker 1: I'm super pumped. I'm going to mention.
42:34
Speaker 2: This T shirts shirt coming out. Man, some really like
42:40
Speaker 2: fun stuff.
42:42
Speaker 1: Well, and I think the beauty of the merch piece
42:44
Speaker 1: of this is, you know, what we talk about and
42:46
Speaker 1: what we feel in you know, in this line of
42:50
Speaker 1: business is heavy, right, It's very heavy. It's heavy, it's emotional.
42:54
Speaker 1: It's why I couldn't coach anymore. But like the merch
42:57
Speaker 1: brings this like fun kind of you know, peace to
43:01
Speaker 1: this business where we can you know, put some funny
43:04
Speaker 1: like little sayings on the T shirts and sweatshirts and
43:08
Speaker 1: you know and kind of get like a life out
43:10
Speaker 1: of it.
43:10
Speaker 2: And I think the rebranding process is people getting to
43:13
Speaker 2: know me as a human being. Because I did the
43:19
Speaker 2: transformation work. I went through the pit of hell, had
43:22
Speaker 2: to experience all the trauma to get the tools. So
43:26
Speaker 2: just think of it as I've done that for you
43:29
Speaker 2: so you don't have to flounder. I floundered so that
43:32
Speaker 2: you don't have to. And so I want people to
43:34
Speaker 2: kind of know me as a human being a little bit,
43:37
Speaker 2: to know that I'm not fake. Yeah, I'm authentic in
43:40
Speaker 2: terms of what I believe and what I teach and
43:43
Speaker 2: I live my life. I try to. I try so
43:46
Speaker 2: hard ultimately to live my life in a way that
43:49
Speaker 2: is authentic to what I try to teach other people.
43:52
Speaker 1: I tell people all the time. There's so much more
43:53
Speaker 1: to say that people don't fully understand. And again that
43:56
Speaker 1: goes back to what I said at the very beginning
43:57
Speaker 1: of this episode was which was because you're somewhat guarded
44:00
Speaker 1: and shy, like some people don't know how to take that.
44:04
Speaker 2: No, they no, they don't know how to understand that.
44:08
Speaker 1: But there's so much there's so much more to who
44:10
Speaker 1: you are as a person. And you know, I mean,
44:12
Speaker 1: at the end of the day, there's always so much
44:14
Speaker 1: more to people.
44:14
Speaker 2: Absolutely, people are complex. They are. It's in the complexity
44:18
Speaker 2: and the nuance of the human experience that we learn
44:20
Speaker 2: as well. So I think I'm more than just here
44:24
Speaker 2: are your tips and tricks to like talking with the
44:26
Speaker 2: DA I want people to see that I live my
44:30
Speaker 2: life in a way that promotes what I teach. It's
44:35
Speaker 2: important because I think that that's part of like the message.
44:38
Speaker 2: Yeah it is is like do you practice what you preach? Yeah?
44:42
Speaker 2: You know. I want I want to gain trust with
44:44
Speaker 2: my audience. I want them to see a little bit
44:46
Speaker 2: of insight into my life. But that's scary to me
44:48
Speaker 2: because I am that shy introvert. You're like, I need
44:50
Speaker 2: lifestyle videos for social media, and I'm like, I don't
44:53
Speaker 2: want to give your lifestyle. I talk to you in
44:56
Speaker 2: my car about about attachment. It's so hard for me
45:00
Speaker 2: to do any lifestyle type videos. I don't know how
45:02
Speaker 2: to do it. I don't know how to do that content.
45:04
Speaker 2: I'm trying to dip into it. Well, we'll see. It's
45:09
Speaker 2: a work in progress. Speaking of lifestyle, we want to
45:12
Speaker 2: thank our sponsor of this podcast, Cozy Earth. Cozy Earth
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Speaker 2: I told you my mom stayed the night at my
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Speaker 2: house when my husband and I were out of town
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Speaker 2: to watch my kids, and she was like, where did
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Speaker 2: you get these sheets?
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Speaker 1: Yeah?
45:55
Speaker 2: That was like the first thing she said. I was like, Hi,
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Speaker 2: love you. She's like, where'd you get your sheets? Yeah?
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Speaker 2: And why are there.
46:27
Speaker 1: Also, visit the Datingdecoder dot com and check out all
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Speaker 1: of doctor Hensley services and until next time, peace, love
46:33
Speaker 1: and perspective.