Latest / Just Heal with Dr Jay / The Healing Power of Vulnerability with Rico Love

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The Healing Power of Vulnerability with Rico Love · Just Heal with Dr Jay

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  Speaker 1: Welcome to jess Here with Doctor J, a production of
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  Speaker 1: the Black Effect Podcast Network and iHeartRadio. Welcome back to
• 0:07
  Speaker 1: Just Here with Doctor J, and I am your host,
• 0:10
  Speaker 1: Doctor J. Barnett. Listen. Some of you have been eavesdropping
• 0:14
  Speaker 1: into the episodes, but I want to take the opportunity
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  Speaker 1: to say go ahead and subscribe to Just Heal Doctor J.
• 0:20
  Speaker 1: You can listen audibly on Spotify, the Black Effect Podcast Network,
• 0:25
  Speaker 1: and also on iHeart or anywhere that you listen to podcasts.
• 0:31
  Speaker 1: All right, so we are back at the healing community,
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  Speaker 1: and I'm excited today about our guests. Y'all know how
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  Speaker 1: we get down here in the healing community. I love
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  Speaker 1: to have conversations with individuals that are navigating their healing journey.
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  Speaker 1: They've been through a journey or they're in the midst
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  Speaker 1: of one. And I love that God has really given
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  Speaker 1: us an opportunity to share this platform across the world
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  Speaker 1: and to make mental health look real. So often, many
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  Speaker 1: times we hear of the stories that people are navigating
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  Speaker 1: different challenges, that they are enter into therapy, they're going
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  Speaker 1: to counsel and they're receiving coaching and whatever that is
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  Speaker 1: for you. There's many different modalities to heal. Therapy isn't
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  Speaker 1: the only way, but I'm very aware that not everybody's
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  Speaker 1: gonna go to therapy, but just maybe you can have
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  Speaker 1: a therapeutic experience by one of these episodes. So today
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  Speaker 1: I am honored to have a brother and developing a
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  Speaker 1: growing friendship with someone that you all know that we
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  Speaker 1: have listened to the songs that he has written and
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  Speaker 1: to his many gifts that he's shared with the world. Listen,
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  Speaker 1: the brothers won Grammys. The brother has done amazing things.
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  Speaker 1: So I'm gonna let him introduce himself to this audience
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  Speaker 1: none other than the great Rico Love brother.
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  Speaker 2: How you feeling Wait, Philly man, I feel incredible. I
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  Speaker 2: felt really good, all right. So it's an honest thank
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  Speaker 2: you man. It's an honored to be here. When we
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  Speaker 2: first met, I was in a whole different space. So
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  Speaker 2: it's it's dope for us to you know, link back
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  Speaker 2: up in this space.
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  Speaker 1: Yeo, man, listen, you listen. Everybody that get with Brettan's
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  Speaker 1: one of two things that's gonna happen. And shout out
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  Speaker 1: to Coach Brennan's who is our trainer. He works with
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  Speaker 1: doctor Joe, He works with Rico Love. He works with
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  Speaker 1: so many other phenomenal people. He works with me virtually,
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  Speaker 1: you know, I mean, Brettan's either gonna as old folks said,
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  Speaker 1: they gonna beat it at.
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  Speaker 2: You right what right, right right now. But it's been
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  Speaker 2: an incredible journey. I was in a whole different space,
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  Speaker 2: not just physically but mentally, so, you know, just that
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  Speaker 2: transition and that growth is cool to kind of connect back.
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  Speaker 2: It's like I started the journey with you, and now,
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  Speaker 2: you know, further along in the journey, we get the.
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  Speaker 1: Tradition man, and listen and let's let's let's dive into that.
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  Speaker 1: But I want to go back because I always open
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  Speaker 1: up the episode with the question to every guest in
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  Speaker 1: this very moment, how are you feeling?
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  Speaker 2: I feel happy, and I haven't felt happy in a
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  Speaker 2: long time.
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  Speaker 1: You know.
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  Speaker 2: It's funny because I think the greatest compliment I've been
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  Speaker 2: getting as of late is, bro, you look so happy,
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  Speaker 2: or people are running to me, Man, I love the
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  Speaker 2: journey on. You look so happy. So I feel genuinely happy,
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  Speaker 2: you know, not the you know lee years later you
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  Speaker 2: look back and say I said I was happy, but
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  Speaker 2: I really was struggled. I really feel happy, you know,
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  Speaker 2: regardless of things that happen and up to that whatever,
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  Speaker 2: in this time, in this particular space I'm in right now,
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  Speaker 2: I feel really happy.
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  Speaker 1: Man. I'm so happy to hear that for you, Rico,
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  Speaker 1: because if we are honest, we rarely hear black men
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  Speaker 1: say those words I'm happy. We often hear brothers share
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  Speaker 1: about how tired they are and how exhausted, how overwhelmed.
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  Speaker 1: You often hear brothers share that they've had enough, they
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  Speaker 1: don't want to be here anymore. And this week is
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  Speaker 1: Mental Health Week. This is a week where we talk
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  Speaker 1: about all things mental health. October tenth is World Mental
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  Speaker 1: Health Day. And I'm just honored to sit down and
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  Speaker 1: have this conversation with you on this week as we
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  Speaker 1: are sharing your journey, and just to hear you not
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  Speaker 1: only say that you're happy, but to look happy, because
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  Speaker 1: you can feel happiness from someone's presence.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, I'm glad.
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  Speaker 1: I'm glad.
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  Speaker 2: That's very important to me. And for a long time
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  Speaker 2: I was depressed and didn't realize I was depressed. So
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  Speaker 2: I went through something called prolonged stress disorder. So what
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  Speaker 2: happens is you wake up and you're tired, you sleep
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  Speaker 2: eight hours and you're like, why am I so tired?
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  Speaker 2: So what happens when you don't address some of the
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  Speaker 2: mental pressures and the issues that you're dealing with. If
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  Speaker 2: you don't address them, talk about it, get it out there.
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  Speaker 2: We go through life as leaders, as people who are
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  Speaker 2: the anchors and our fathers and you know, the bosses is,
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  Speaker 2: for lack of a better term, we don't get a
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  Speaker 2: chance to be sad and mope around. So we'll feel it,
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  Speaker 2: but we don't really get to acknowledge it and express it.
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  Speaker 2: So I'm moving through life like this right, and we'll
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  Speaker 2: get to this later. But you can see it in
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  Speaker 2: the odds though, and when you see if you look
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  Speaker 2: back on old pictures, I'll say, oh, well, I could
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  Speaker 2: see it in mine. But I was maneuving through life
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  Speaker 2: and then I was realizing, I'm like, why am I
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  Speaker 2: so tired? So I talked to my therapist. It's like,
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  Speaker 2: it's a prolonged stress. So what you're doing is your
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  Speaker 2: body is dealing with the stress that your mind is
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  Speaker 2: not allowing you to deal with while you sleep, so
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  Speaker 2: it's working to compensate. So now when you wake up,
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  Speaker 2: you ready to go. Mentally, your mind is ready to go.
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  Speaker 2: But your body is like, I've been working all night
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  Speaker 2: on this stuff that you're going through and you won't,
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  Speaker 2: you know, address. So what I feel is giving me
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  Speaker 2: that push is and It'll be totally honest. I'm sleeping
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  Speaker 2: a little less, but I'm feeling a lot more energy
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  Speaker 2: because the hours spent on dealing with or being around
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  Speaker 2: people who understand coping with certain things. Like I'm literally
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  Speaker 2: one of my close friends now I'm dealing it's dealing
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  Speaker 2: with something identical to but I was dealing with, but
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  Speaker 2: in a different space, you know, in the spiritual world,
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  Speaker 2: and I'm watching him deal with it, and I'm able
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  Speaker 2: to be there for him in a way the same
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  Speaker 2: way he didn't even realize he was there for me
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  Speaker 2: when I was going through my thing. So it's cool, man,
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  Speaker 2: It's really good. It feels really good to be able
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  Speaker 2: to look at life and be so much more optimistic. Obviously,
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  Speaker 2: challenges don't stop, but the optimism is a lot like
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  Speaker 2: and I'm watching doors open and the opportunities to be
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  Speaker 2: presented that I think were being held intentionally, you know,
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  Speaker 2: by God to say not yet, and then as soon
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  Speaker 2: as you know it was time. It was like the
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  Speaker 2: floodgates open, and I think, but I was in a
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  Speaker 2: happy space before those floodgates open. Be totally honest about it.
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  Speaker 2: Wasn't like those things happened and I became happy. I
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  Speaker 2: started becoming and feeling happy and feeling more confident and
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  Speaker 2: feeling more optimistic. And as I started feeling those things
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  Speaker 2: and telling myself that this is where I am and
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  Speaker 2: deciding for myself what I want to be and how
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  Speaker 2: I want to feel and what I want to look like,
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  Speaker 2: then life started to change and it started to, you know,
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  Speaker 2: become the pathway began to be happy because I became
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  Speaker 2: I became happy man.
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  Speaker 1: And when you talk about pathways, and particularly in the
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  Speaker 1: mental health space, we look at things and we look
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  Speaker 1: at patterns through pathways. And I often tell clients when
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  Speaker 1: I'm working with them, and when I was working in
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  Speaker 1: the private counseling space and private practice, I would often
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  Speaker 1: tell a client that no plane can land until the
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  Speaker 1: pathway has been cleared. The runway is clear, and oftentimes
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  Speaker 1: we want different outcomes and we haven't cleared the pathway
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  Speaker 1: for new information, for new behaviors and new patterns to begin.
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  Speaker 1: And one of the things that I saw with you
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  Speaker 1: when we I think a few mornings that we all
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  Speaker 1: worked out together, I can see that a new pathway
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  Speaker 1: for you was community. Yeah, how important past brotherhood and community?
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  Speaker 1: And before you respond, you would appreciate this. Interviewed Kirk
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  Speaker 1: Franklin and he talked a lot about being in the
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  Speaker 1: space of a producer and I thought about you, and
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  Speaker 1: he talked about the isolation in it because when you
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  Speaker 1: come out of sports, it's the fraternity, this community. But
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  Speaker 1: he said, bro, I can't think about how many brothers
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  Speaker 1: are gonna be like we built a fraternity because we
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  Speaker 1: played the keys together or we were in band together.
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  Speaker 1: So he says, oftentimes as a music producer and a
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  Speaker 1: person that's sitting in a studio, it's lonely. So how
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  Speaker 1: important was it for you to have community or did
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  Speaker 1: you discover that? And was loneliness a prerequisite to your depression? Yeah?
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, so what that's super I'm glad you said that.
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  Speaker 2: So it's not just the fact that I produce records.
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  Speaker 2: It's the fact that I have a large group of
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  Speaker 2: individuals that assigned to my company who I am responsible for.
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  Speaker 2: Now these are grown men, yes, but I'm in business
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  Speaker 2: responsible for them. So what does that mean? That means
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  Speaker 2: that if we did six songs for this project, three
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  Speaker 2: songs for this project, two songs for this project, and
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  Speaker 2: now I have to go by the way, I've been
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  Speaker 2: self managed for ten years, so I have to go
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  Speaker 2: and chase down the money. Now I got to say,
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  Speaker 2: they owe for this, they owe for this, they owe
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  Speaker 2: for this day, over this. Now I got all these
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  Speaker 2: people that I'm responsible for, and all right, his rent
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  Speaker 2: is behind, he owed child support, he needed car, no payment,
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  Speaker 2: he needed this. So before the money comes in, I
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  Speaker 2: get bro, I know we got that check coming. I
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  Speaker 2: was wondering if you confront me that because I need this.
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  Speaker 2: So of course the impath in me is like, okay,
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  Speaker 2: I got you, Bro, I got you. So now before
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  Speaker 2: you know it, you look up and you're realizing that
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  Speaker 2: you are carrying not only the weight of being responsible
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  Speaker 2: for their careers doing well, but finance financially, you become
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  Speaker 2: responsible and that's taxing. So there are certain spaces where
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  Speaker 2: even if musically we feel well, we're not neces peers
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  Speaker 2: musically because they are under the tutelage or the leadership
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  Speaker 2: of my company. But it's more like, now I don't
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  Speaker 2: feel like I can be alone with these same guys
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  Speaker 2: who I should be able to be alone with, not
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  Speaker 2: because it's some psychological that says, man, I'm dealing with
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  Speaker 2: a lot. I can't let you see that because if
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  Speaker 2: you do, I don't need you to lose faith. I
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  Speaker 2: need you to be strong even when I'm going through it.
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  Speaker 2: So that portion of the business is so difficult, and
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  Speaker 2: a lot of people don't really even understand or care
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  Speaker 2: that much. Now, there were some guys that that was
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  Speaker 2: signed to me that we don't speak that much, and
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  Speaker 2: then I find out they were feeling the way, and
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  Speaker 2: I got a chance to run into one of them.
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  Speaker 2: We had our conversation, and I will say he apologized,
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  Speaker 2: but what I had to explain to him was listen, man,
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  Speaker 2: the first thing I thought about every day when I
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  Speaker 2: woke up was how I'm going to make sure that
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  Speaker 2: you guys are okay. So when they hit the fan,
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  Speaker 2: I felt like all you thought about was what didn't happen,
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  Speaker 2: because most times people ignore what happened, all the good
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  Speaker 2: things they always think about. Well, I wasn't able to
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  Speaker 2: do this. Not Rico didn't make it able for me.
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  Speaker 2: I wasn't able to do this. I fell behind this.
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  Speaker 2: I lost my car, I lost my apartment. I had
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  Speaker 2: to do this. I had to go through that. They
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  Speaker 2: don't think about, well, look at all he's done for
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  Speaker 2: me to help the situation. So that position of leadership
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  Speaker 2: is extremely taxing. And I know when you Kirk said, yeah,
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  Speaker 2: being a producer is a lonely space. Creatively, you got
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  Speaker 2: to come up with all this stuff, but just being
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  Speaker 2: a leader in that musical space is extremely difficult to navigate,
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  Speaker 2: especially when you feel you know a lot of people.
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  Speaker 2: And even even in saying that, there's some people that
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  Speaker 2: were still Like, I've had people say to me, I
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  Speaker 2: didn't ask you to do that, you know what I
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  Speaker 2: mean when you said, well I.
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  Speaker 1: Did that, How did that? Like, honestly, how did that
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  Speaker 1: make you feel? Because we go through that as a
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  Speaker 1: man a lot, we'll be doing, We'll be buying, we'll
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  Speaker 1: be giving. I can remember dating this girl man and
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  Speaker 1: I had, you know, I'm thinking, like, you know, I'm gonna,
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  Speaker 1: you know, make sure she good.
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  Speaker 2: And she says, well, I didn't ask you to do that,
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  Speaker 2: but she definitely took it.
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  Speaker 1: Now she received it. And I think what messed with
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  Speaker 1: me was even if you didn't ask me to do it.
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  Speaker 1: There is a silent expectation that did you appreciate it? Though?
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  Speaker 1: How did that make you feel when they said that
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  Speaker 1: to you?
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  Speaker 2: So I felt, and I'm gonna be told you, I
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  Speaker 2: had to say this to my therapist. I felt hate.
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  Speaker 2: And that's the word we don't like to use in
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  Speaker 2: our community because everybody your grandmother always told you you
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  Speaker 2: don't hate nobody, right, And it's rid because my therapist
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  Speaker 2: said to me, maybe about a year or two years ago, like, yeah,
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  Speaker 2: you shouldn't hate anybody, but there's a feeling of hatred
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  Speaker 2: that you have for people who have done you a
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  Speaker 2: certain way, and until you face and acknowledge that, you
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  Speaker 2: can't get over it. Now, that doesn't mean sitting it.
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  Speaker 2: It means understand that feeling. Because if we deny the
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  Speaker 2: feeling when we say no, no, right now, I have
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  Speaker 2: an extreme level of because I had to sacrifice time
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  Speaker 2: with my children. I had to sacrifice things that I
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  Speaker 2: could have done for myself. There are things positions I
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  Speaker 2: could be in in my career because but I had
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  Speaker 2: to take the back seat because I wanted to make
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  Speaker 2: sure everybody else is okay. So when somebody doesn't appreciate
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  Speaker 2: that there's a level of rage and frustration that I
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  Speaker 2: can only describe to you as hate. Right, So that's
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  Speaker 2: initially what I felt. But one thing that I had
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  Speaker 2: to get through and I had to get to was
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  Speaker 2: understanding that whatever you do for somebody, after it's done,
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  Speaker 2: throw it away. Throw it away like that, it's it.
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  Speaker 2: Because the only currency that I valued for so long
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  Speaker 2: was appreciation or you know, reciprocity, You know what I mean.
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  Speaker 2: So when I started understanding that I can't cash, you know,
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  Speaker 2: my check on your appreciation, what I have to do
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  Speaker 2: is decide that, regardless of how you feel about it,
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  Speaker 2: I did this because this is who I am. Now,
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  Speaker 2: if I did it because I want the celebration, then
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  Speaker 2: it's not genuine anyway. But a part of who I
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  Speaker 2: am is I feel for people and I can't stand
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  Speaker 2: to see somebody going through it, which is also why
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  Speaker 2: it's difficult for me to ask for help, because I
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  Speaker 2: don't want to put myself in a situation where anybody's
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  Speaker 2: feeling that.
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  Speaker 1: Way for me.
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  Speaker 2: So I think that understanding that I got to give
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  Speaker 2: up whatever I'm going to give up because it's who
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  Speaker 2: I am and recognize and that the reason why you
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  Speaker 2: do that is because in your heart, you don't like
• 14:30
  Speaker 2: the feeling of watching somebody go through something and you
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  Speaker 2: know you're in a position help. Now what happens is
• 14:36
  Speaker 2: you get to a space where you're not even no
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  Speaker 2: longer in the position to help the way you were.
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  Speaker 2: But because you think that that's your responsibility. That's how
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  Speaker 2: the devil trick you out of your blessing, too, is
• 14:46
  Speaker 2: making you think that you're doing the right thing, not
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  Speaker 2: realizing it's like I could take your wealth from you
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  Speaker 2: by just putting a bunch of people in front of
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  Speaker 2: you who need and then because you'll have this gift
• 14:55
  Speaker 2: in comment or this business in common, you think you're
• 14:58
  Speaker 2: doing God's work when I'm just here take from you anyway,
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  Speaker 2: from a bunch of people who don't mean you know,
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  Speaker 2: good anyway. So that's the thing I had to come
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  Speaker 2: to terms with.
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  Speaker 1: So what I'm hearing is that you had You've had
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  Speaker 1: to develop a high level of sagaciousness, the high level
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  Speaker 1: of disarmament. When did you When did you get to
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  Speaker 1: that space where you were able to discern those that
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  Speaker 1: were there for you to help them and not just
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  Speaker 1: helping them just because you guys had something musically or
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  Speaker 1: creatively in common but acknowledging, like, you know what, I
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  Speaker 1: can help them, but I can't in this season.
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  Speaker 2: Somebody I love very much, my dear brother. He asked
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  Speaker 2: me for something and I said, let me let me
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  Speaker 2: pray about it, bro, And he said, man, if you
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  Speaker 2: don't want to do it, just don't do it. Sorry,
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  Speaker 2: you just answered it. I'm not doing it right. And
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  Speaker 2: I still love him to this day. When you see this,
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  Speaker 2: he gonna know you know what I mean. But I
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  Speaker 2: love him dearly. But I said that, and God put
• 15:57
  Speaker 2: it on my heart to say let me pray a
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  Speaker 2: by That was just his way of showing me, like,
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  Speaker 2: you know, all right, bro, if you ain't gonna do it, man,
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  Speaker 2: you don't got to do all that. I said, cool,
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  Speaker 2: I ain't gonna do it, you know what I mean.
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  Speaker 2: And I stopped hearing from him for a while, and
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  Speaker 2: then he came back around and we brothers, you know
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  Speaker 2: what I mean. It's like you fall out, you fight
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  Speaker 2: your fist, fight with your brother, you know what I mean.
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  Speaker 2: We that tight. So but I started to realize if
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  Speaker 2: this is somebody I love dearly and I was led
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  Speaker 2: to not help them, then that's when I started understanding
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  Speaker 2: and seeing, Okay, it's okay for me to d the
• 16:32
  Speaker 2: nature of who I am says I want to give.
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  Speaker 2: So I have to get past that natural, that nature nature.
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  Speaker 2: There's a lot of things that are in my nature
• 16:40
  Speaker 2: that are right too, So I can't you know what
• 16:42
  Speaker 2: I mean? And we got to go into detail by
• 16:45
  Speaker 2: that stuff. But I thought about it. I'm like, Okay,
• 16:48
  Speaker 2: just because it's in my nature don't mean it's the
• 16:50
  Speaker 2: right thing to do. So I started understanding, like putting
• 16:54
  Speaker 2: things together, making it make sense. Am I supposed to
• 16:57
  Speaker 2: do this? And then I looked at my situation and
• 16:59
  Speaker 2: I said, they were things that I need to help.
• 17:00
  Speaker 2: What I didn't get help from. There were times I
• 17:02
  Speaker 2: had to lose homes, had to lose cars, had to
• 17:05
  Speaker 2: lose access, had to lose all these things, and I
• 17:07
  Speaker 2: was able to recover and maybe to change the way
• 17:10
  Speaker 2: I'm maneuver. Maybe this is their moment. Maybe I'm still
• 17:12
  Speaker 2: in that opportunity for them to lose something in order
• 17:16
  Speaker 2: to gain. So I had to start learning that and
• 17:18
  Speaker 2: maneuver and through that and asking myself the questions and
• 17:20
  Speaker 2: speaking to God about it. And every time the answer
• 17:23
  Speaker 2: comes from me is very It's pretty.
• 17:25
  Speaker 1: Envious, and I love that you said that maybe you
• 17:28
  Speaker 1: need to lose something. I think and you know, all
• 17:30
  Speaker 1: this is really a great blend. I was interviewing Devon
• 17:35
  Speaker 1: Franklin and we're talking about this film Ruth and Boass,
• 17:38
  Speaker 1: and I was breaking down. I had an opportunity to
• 17:40
  Speaker 1: see the film before the release, but I was thinking
• 17:44
  Speaker 1: about we often view losing as such a bad thing
• 17:49
  Speaker 1: when we can't get the deal, when we don't get
• 17:52
  Speaker 1: the relationship, we don't get the job, or there's a
• 17:56
  Speaker 1: part of us that is attached to this expected outcome.
• 18:00
  Speaker 1: And what I'm hearing from you is that we need
• 18:03
  Speaker 1: loss because I think there's a part of losing that
• 18:09
  Speaker 1: allows you not just to appreciate winning, but to actually
• 18:12
  Speaker 1: embrace the process of becoming before God restores you. For
• 18:19
  Speaker 1: you going through loss, houses, relationships, deals, At this space
• 18:27
  Speaker 1: that you're in right now, do you appreciate the process
• 18:32
  Speaker 1: of becoming who you needed to become in this moment
• 18:35
  Speaker 1: rather than looking at Man, I lost this and I
• 18:37
  Speaker 1: can't get it back.
• 18:39
  Speaker 2: Yeah, But even in just the more of a practical
• 18:42
  Speaker 2: human way, I started understanding that the things I thought
• 18:46
  Speaker 2: I needed, I don't need all right, I used to
• 18:49
  Speaker 2: spend one hundred thousand dollars a month on clothes, on shopping, right, Paul, Right, yeah, yeah,
• 18:53
  Speaker 2: and this sounds crazy, but I'm very serious.
• 18:56
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 18:59
  Speaker 2: Any and realized it until a woman who used to
• 19:02
  Speaker 2: work for me, she said it to me. She said
• 19:04
  Speaker 2: it to me in a kind of a heated exchange.
• 19:06
  Speaker 2: I was talking about when you spend one hundred thousand
• 19:08
  Speaker 2: a month on clothes like like going. So I lived
• 19:11
  Speaker 2: down the street from Bad Harbor, and so what I
• 19:14
  Speaker 2: would do is see this was my mentality. I thought,
• 19:17
  Speaker 2: I work hard, I'm a good person. I take care
• 19:20
  Speaker 2: the people around me, and I show up and I worked.
• 19:23
  Speaker 2: I booked out when I first got I got my
• 19:25
  Speaker 2: second big publishing deal. I booked out the Circle House
• 19:28
  Speaker 2: studio for two years. I just booked out the studios.
• 19:32
  Speaker 2: So all I did was work every day, even on Sundays.
• 19:34
  Speaker 2: I went to work every single day. So I thought
• 19:35
  Speaker 2: to myself on my way to work, it's okay if
• 19:38
  Speaker 2: I stopped by and grab some you know these valencies,
• 19:42
  Speaker 2: or grab this, you know this Louis Vuitton stuff for
• 19:44
  Speaker 2: all this hoodie or this thing that was my thing.
• 19:47
  Speaker 2: I grew up being made fun of for while I addressed,
• 19:51
  Speaker 2: and that's something I had to deal with in therapy
• 19:52
  Speaker 2: as well. So when I started buying an excess, I
• 19:57
  Speaker 2: started when I wasn't able to. Then I realized I
• 20:00
  Speaker 2: didn't need to. Now here's another example. I love cars.
• 20:03
  Speaker 2: So I had the Roseways RAF, I had the Rosewate Ghosts,
• 20:07
  Speaker 2: I had the LDRD. I had to escalate, and I
• 20:09
  Speaker 2: had all these cars and s FI and fifty all
• 20:11
  Speaker 2: in front of my house. I lost all of the cars.
• 20:15
  Speaker 2: And I remember being invited to an event that somebody
• 20:18
  Speaker 2: had an STK on the beach, and I remember I
• 20:20
  Speaker 2: couldn't afford to get there except in the Uber, the
• 20:23
  Speaker 2: regular uber. So I took an Uber like a Corolla,
• 20:28
  Speaker 2: like you know, beat up Corolla, and I told them
• 20:31
  Speaker 2: to drop me off at the Walgreens right on Collins,
• 20:34
  Speaker 2: down the street from the STK because I didn't want
• 20:36
  Speaker 2: to be seen getting out of this car. And when
• 20:38
  Speaker 2: I got out, I walked across the street. I went
• 20:40
  Speaker 2: into the event and a guy came to me and said,
• 20:44
  Speaker 2: oh my god, bro, he's such an honor man. You're
• 20:47
  Speaker 2: alleged and everybody won't greeting me. And he started taking pictures,
• 20:50
  Speaker 2: and I thought I didn't even need my rose voyce.
• 20:54
  Speaker 2: The gift I have is what they respect and they appreciate.
• 20:57
  Speaker 2: So when I was in position again, I didn't have
• 21:00
  Speaker 2: have the urge to spend one hundred Thabs in the month.
• 21:02
  Speaker 2: I didn't have the urge to buy a million cars
• 21:05
  Speaker 2: because I've realized that, Okay, then then let's go to
• 21:09
  Speaker 2: the women. I used to think that everywhere I go,
• 21:12
  Speaker 2: I needed to fly a shorty out. You know what
• 21:14
  Speaker 2: I mean, I gotta, I gotta. I'm in LA, I
• 21:17
  Speaker 2: need a joint with me. I'm going out here, I
• 21:18
  Speaker 2: need I'm going to London this week. I need to
• 21:20
  Speaker 2: make sure I got a joint with me. Then I
• 21:21
  Speaker 2: started realizing when I was in a position to do that,
• 21:24
  Speaker 2: to have those people around me, those women around me,
• 21:28
  Speaker 2: and I don't need to So I travel all the
• 21:31
  Speaker 2: time and oh I don't have anybody with me. I
• 21:33
  Speaker 2: don't have anybody in my bed just because they need
• 21:36
  Speaker 2: to be there or just because I felt like I
• 21:38
  Speaker 2: need some type of warm body in that space. So
• 21:40
  Speaker 2: now it's easier for me when it's time for me
• 21:43
  Speaker 2: to find the love of my life or have a relationship.
• 21:46
  Speaker 2: I don't feel like, you know, monogamy or being faithful
• 21:51
  Speaker 2: will be a difficult task anymore. Because I went so
• 21:54
  Speaker 2: long on my own as a single man, I got
• 21:56
  Speaker 2: every right to do whatever I want to do, right,
• 21:59
  Speaker 2: But now that I don't really need that to lean,
• 22:02
  Speaker 2: I don't do it just because it's made available to me.
• 22:05
  Speaker 2: So what happens is in a practical way, not just spiritual. Practically,
• 22:11
  Speaker 2: when you go through loss, you're able to understand that
• 22:15
  Speaker 2: I made it through all of these things without having
• 22:17
  Speaker 2: to do these things that I thought I had to do.
• 22:20
  Speaker 2: I think that's the change that had to happen for me.
• 22:24
  Speaker 1: I'm just sitting there for a moment because you said
• 22:27
  Speaker 1: a lot, and you said a lot that was very profound,
• 22:35
  Speaker 1: I think. And I'm looking at this camera because brothers,
• 22:38
  Speaker 1: I want you to hear what he just said. Women,
• 22:41
  Speaker 1: I want you to listen to what he just said.
• 22:43
  Speaker 1: I noticed I said this. Hear it and listen. The
• 22:46
  Speaker 1: reason I want brothers to hear it, because I want
• 22:48
  Speaker 1: the brothers to activate their hearing listening is I want
• 22:53
  Speaker 1: women to activate the level of comprehension. He said. Being
• 22:58
  Speaker 1: in a space now where I am settled in who
• 23:03
  Speaker 1: I become to see. I want to go back to
• 23:06
  Speaker 1: the part where they was not bowing and honoring you
• 23:11
  Speaker 1: because of what you were getting out of. They were
• 23:14
  Speaker 1: honoring you because where God has placed in you. And
• 23:17
  Speaker 1: too many times we feel that we have to acquire,
• 23:21
  Speaker 1: and really it's in the inquiring. As I say, we're
• 23:25
  Speaker 1: doing too much acquiring and not enough inquiring what is
• 23:28
  Speaker 1: in me? And what I'm hearing you say is that
• 23:30
  Speaker 1: what God put in me was more than anything that
• 23:35
  Speaker 1: I could have purchased, because you can't purchase purpose yep.
• 23:40
  Speaker 1: And I love more so than anything, brother, the evolution
• 23:45
  Speaker 1: of who you are as a man. Yes, I know
• 23:48
  Speaker 1: you as a producer. We've listened to the music that
• 23:51
  Speaker 1: you've written for others. But my heart is filled with
• 23:55
  Speaker 1: joy because of where you're at right now. Is you're saying, man,
• 24:00
  Speaker 1: I don't need that anymore. And I often tell brothers,
• 24:03
  Speaker 1: and I want you guys to hear this, because this
• 24:06
  Speaker 1: is a very successful man, very successful black man. Just
• 24:10
  Speaker 1: because it's available doesn't mean it's permissible. What y'all catch that,
• 24:17
  Speaker 1: just because it's available, accessible, doesn't mean it's permissible. And
• 24:22
  Speaker 1: one of the things, brothers, if you're going to be
• 24:24
  Speaker 1: truly successful. And Stuart, what God has given you, you
• 24:28
  Speaker 1: have got to develop the discipline. Talk about that man
• 24:33
  Speaker 1: because I know for me and you are a single man,
• 24:36
  Speaker 1: and you know what I mean, we can be out there,
• 24:38
  Speaker 1: but for me, my thing is always like man. Again,
• 24:41
  Speaker 1: there's a part of our nature that what your nature
• 24:45
  Speaker 1: does not. But when you evolve beyond the title the things,
• 24:52
  Speaker 1: you get to see a different side of you.
• 24:56
  Speaker 2: Also, the thing that really helps me is my fifteen
• 24:59
  Speaker 2: year old son. I have a fifteen year old son
• 25:01
  Speaker 2: and ten year old daughter. So these are two things
• 25:03
  Speaker 2: I always keep in mind. Everything that is exposed about
• 25:07
  Speaker 2: me on the internet, my son sees. And not only that,
• 25:11
  Speaker 2: when I go pick him up from school to kids,
• 25:12
  Speaker 2: he had a turn of lights on whatever Rico love right,
• 25:15
  Speaker 2: So when there are things that happen online, they go
• 25:19
  Speaker 2: and they tell him, oh, I've seen on your line,
• 25:21
  Speaker 2: your pops blah blah blah. So I'm very cautious to that.
• 25:24
  Speaker 2: Also my son. I've been single now for almost six years,
• 25:28
  Speaker 2: six years, little over six years, and my son has
• 25:32
  Speaker 2: not seeing women in and out of my bed, in
• 25:35
  Speaker 2: and out of my room. He hasn't seen you know,
• 25:38
  Speaker 2: as an example, that the setting for him. So I'm
• 25:40
  Speaker 2: very calcious that my daughter, of course not my big girl,
• 25:44
  Speaker 2: but my love son, my son, he doesn't have that.
• 25:48
  Speaker 2: He doesn't see, you know. But I'm very honest with
• 25:50
  Speaker 2: him about my past. We had a really good conversation
• 25:53
  Speaker 2: about this is where I was, you know, understanding like
• 25:56
  Speaker 2: when you get that wire, when you see you know,
• 25:59
  Speaker 2: ten twelve million dollars cash in the bank, you you
• 26:02
  Speaker 2: move different, you know when you when you you know
• 26:05
  Speaker 2: what I mean. You ride down the street, bro, and
• 26:08
  Speaker 2: then you and that rose Voyce and them joint that
• 26:10
  Speaker 2: you looked at and you and they just wave and
• 26:13
  Speaker 2: you're like what's up? And they're like what's up. It's
• 26:15
  Speaker 2: easy to fall from out. So I think the example
• 26:18
  Speaker 2: that I'm able to give him his key, it's paramount
• 26:22
  Speaker 2: actually in how I behave myself and the way I move,
• 26:27
  Speaker 2: and I even riding on the first date, I'll go
• 26:29
  Speaker 2: out it with a girl and and I know, now
• 26:31
  Speaker 2: this ain't nothing I need to be containing. Even if
• 26:34
  Speaker 2: physically I'm attracted to this person, or even if they're
• 26:37
  Speaker 2: making themselves available to me, I could be like, I
• 26:39
  Speaker 2: know that to say something that's you're going to have
• 26:41
  Speaker 2: longevity to it. Let me remove myself, and I'm very
• 26:45
  Speaker 2: and I think that the gift and the curse with
• 26:47
  Speaker 2: this is my patience is you know, the deal breaker
• 26:52
  Speaker 2: is hit quickly, right, How how.
• 26:54
  Speaker 1: Are you going? Forty two? I'm forty three?
• 26:56
  Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, bro, Instantly as soon as it you know,
• 27:00
  Speaker 2: as soon as I see any level of irrational, Like
• 27:04
  Speaker 2: if I can tell that we have we could be
• 27:05
  Speaker 2: talking about sports, if I could see that you can't
• 27:09
  Speaker 2: be moved, not because of the facts, but because how
• 27:12
  Speaker 2: you feel about something. Oh no, I know that I
• 27:14
  Speaker 2: can already tell this ain't gonna be it right so instantly. Now,
• 27:18
  Speaker 2: the problem with that is sometimes I think to myself,
• 27:21
  Speaker 2: maybe I should have gained shortly a chance because you're knowing,
• 27:25
  Speaker 2: like there's certain things that I'll tell you be very
• 27:27
  Speaker 2: blatantly deal breakers for me, instantly irrational behavior if they're
• 27:33
  Speaker 2: in any way we having a conversation, I can see
• 27:35
  Speaker 2: that you're not being rational and logical. As soon as
• 27:39
  Speaker 2: that emotion starts getting too high to where you know
• 27:42
  Speaker 2: what I mean?
• 27:43
  Speaker 1: Is that a sign that she is emotional and competent?
• 27:47
  Speaker 2: I don't even know. I can't even go there. I
• 27:49
  Speaker 2: just say this I'm just gonna say this as soon
• 27:52
  Speaker 2: as I think it'll be difficult for me to explain
• 27:56
  Speaker 2: logic to you. Now, I'm not gonna never question how
• 27:58
  Speaker 2: you feel about something. So that's the thing we have
• 28:01
  Speaker 2: to be clear about. We cannot control how you feel.
• 28:05
  Speaker 2: And that's why I hate when people say, well, women
• 28:07
  Speaker 2: are more emotional. No, men and women are equally emotional,
• 28:11
  Speaker 2: because emotion is not something that you can decide. How
• 28:14
  Speaker 2: something makes you feel is how it makes you feel
• 28:18
  Speaker 2: the difference between a man and women is this. I
• 28:22
  Speaker 2: know and realize that through life. Life has taught me
• 28:25
  Speaker 2: that if I do something instantly, I will have to
• 28:29
  Speaker 2: pay for that thing if I go into And that's
• 28:31
  Speaker 2: why when it comes to altercations, it takes men a
• 28:34
  Speaker 2: little bit longer, right yo, bro Chill is okay? You
• 28:38
  Speaker 2: know why because I know that a lot of things
• 28:40
  Speaker 2: can happen. I put my hands on you, put my
• 28:43
  Speaker 2: hand your hands on me. One I can go to jail.
• 28:45
  Speaker 2: You could pull out a gun and shoot me. I
• 28:47
  Speaker 2: can pull out a gun and shoot you. Then every
• 28:49
  Speaker 2: time I see you, I know it's an issue. Then
• 28:51
  Speaker 2: I gotta deal with you. Know. It's so many different
• 28:53
  Speaker 2: things that we have to think about. That's why when
• 28:55
  Speaker 2: you see situations where a woman might begining to it
• 28:58
  Speaker 2: and she might slap a guy and everybody just watch
• 29:00
  Speaker 2: on slap slap, and as soon as he hit her,
• 29:02
  Speaker 2: they're like, what are you doing about? And it's like, bro,
• 29:06
  Speaker 2: you just watched because in their mind these are not
• 29:08
  Speaker 2: this is not supposed to happen to me. Right. So,
• 29:12
  Speaker 2: emotion is something that it's universal. There is no person
• 29:16
  Speaker 2: that is more emotional or less emotional. How we respond
• 29:20
  Speaker 2: to those emotions dictate who we are in our behavior.
• 29:23
  Speaker 2: That's why we call guys who respond irrationally b a
• 29:29
  Speaker 2: n's You know what I mean, because you acting like
• 29:33
  Speaker 2: this is not how a man is supposed to respond
• 29:35
  Speaker 2: as a man. I know that, no matter how this
• 29:38
  Speaker 2: thing makes me feel, I cannot behave this way now now,
• 29:42
  Speaker 2: so let's get back to my point. What I'm saying
• 29:45
  Speaker 2: is when I deal with a woman in any space,
• 29:47
  Speaker 2: once I start to see that there is no reasoning
• 29:51
  Speaker 2: with her. Again, I cannot tell you how to feel,
• 29:55
  Speaker 2: but I just want to be able to walk. I
• 29:57
  Speaker 2: want to be able to have a conversation with a
• 29:58
  Speaker 2: woman and walk her through. Okay, I know you feel
• 30:00
  Speaker 2: this way. But can you look at this and see
• 30:02
  Speaker 2: this is an apple? So this is an orange?
• 30:06
  Speaker 1: You know, why is that so important to you?
• 30:09
  Speaker 2: Just historically I found myself in situations where I was
• 30:13
  Speaker 2: beating myself up because I was trying to get people
• 30:16
  Speaker 2: or somebody to understand that even if this happened, this
• 30:21
  Speaker 2: is not the case anymore, or this is what this is,
• 30:23
  Speaker 2: And let's function on what's the truth and what's real
• 30:26
  Speaker 2: and not how Now let's address how we feel about it,
• 30:29
  Speaker 2: because that's the only way. Remember, I have prolonged stress
• 30:31
  Speaker 2: disorder because I wasn't addressing what I feel about it.
• 30:33
  Speaker 2: So it's not an issue what we can't address how
• 30:35
  Speaker 2: we feel about things, but after we feel them, after
• 30:38
  Speaker 2: we've addressed it, now what's next? Now, what's next? That's
• 30:41
  Speaker 2: why anytime there was any conversation, I lead with what
• 30:45
  Speaker 2: I did wrong. I lead with that. So even if
• 30:49
  Speaker 2: I'm in therapy, I'll talk to the therapist about what
• 30:51
  Speaker 2: I think I did wrong first, not because I'm trying
• 30:55
  Speaker 2: to beat you and so you don't get to take
• 30:56
  Speaker 2: I'm trying to say because I'm trying to show that
• 30:58
  Speaker 2: I'm ready to go to what's next. So I'm not
• 31:00
  Speaker 2: trying to sit here for three hours. Do you pride
• 31:02
  Speaker 2: to me what I did wrong? I want to expose
• 31:04
  Speaker 2: what I did wrong. So now the next step is
• 31:06
  Speaker 2: what where do we go from here? But if we
• 31:09
  Speaker 2: spend three hours talking about trying to pry ou of you,
• 31:13
  Speaker 2: what's the problem, what's you did? And what do you no? No,
• 31:16
  Speaker 2: I want to talk about what I did, and then
• 31:17
  Speaker 2: I want to talk about what something else, how something
• 31:19
  Speaker 2: else made me feel. I don't want to talk about
• 31:22
  Speaker 2: what somebody else did. I want to talk about how
• 31:24
  Speaker 2: whatever this situation is made me feel. That way, I
• 31:27
  Speaker 2: can focus on the things that's next. This is what
• 31:29
  Speaker 2: I'm responsible for, and this is how this thing made
• 31:32
  Speaker 2: me feel. I acknowledge that sometimes my actions might have
• 31:36
  Speaker 2: caused the person to feel like they had to respond
• 31:38
  Speaker 2: in this way, but acknowledging that is the first step.
• 31:41
  Speaker 2: And now then responding to me in this way made
• 31:43
  Speaker 2: me feel this way, And I'm allowed as a human
• 31:45
  Speaker 2: to feel something regardless of what happens. To get back
• 31:49
  Speaker 2: to it, not to get too far from the tangent.
• 31:51
  Speaker 2: The point is that I'm trying to make you when
• 31:53
  Speaker 2: I'm sneaking, when I'm speaking to rich a woman, or
• 31:57
  Speaker 2: any business dealing or any type of situation I'm dealing
• 32:00
  Speaker 2: with a person I always pay attention to, is this
• 32:03
  Speaker 2: person capable of understanding that, yes, you feel this, but
• 32:07
  Speaker 2: what is next? Or that doesn't negate the facts of
• 32:11
  Speaker 2: the matter just because we feel something. And I think
• 32:14
  Speaker 2: that that is gift and the curse because I've cut
• 32:16
  Speaker 2: off immediately some people that may have been, you know,
• 32:20
  Speaker 2: at best good friends because all this was termed off instantly.
• 32:24
  Speaker 1: I think for where we are, especially in this age
• 32:29
  Speaker 1: rain early forties, I don't have kids. You have two kids,
• 32:33
  Speaker 1: and I think we've lived enough life and then too,
• 32:37
  Speaker 1: we've done the work as men and as we're still
• 32:40
  Speaker 1: working where we have a level of emotional intellect that
• 32:45
  Speaker 1: many people and I'm want to go there, you know,
• 32:49
  Speaker 1: and I've said this before, I don't think a lot
• 32:52
  Speaker 1: of women are as emotional, intellectual or intelligent as they
• 32:57
  Speaker 1: think that they are, because they're motion is the driver primarily.
• 33:03
  Speaker 2: And it's only they will hear you say intelligent and
• 33:05
  Speaker 2: then take events to that and so media and here's.
• 33:08
  Speaker 1: And I'm gonna and again I'm gonna put my clinical
• 33:11
  Speaker 1: hat on the lack of intelligence does not mean that
• 33:16
  Speaker 1: you're not educated, because you can be educated and still
• 33:20
  Speaker 1: not be intelligent. But to understand emotional intelligence is to
• 33:25
  Speaker 1: understand not only just what you feel, but what do
• 33:29
  Speaker 1: you do with what you feel? Where now, what you
• 33:32
  Speaker 1: feel is not that the driver in your decisions. So
• 33:36
  Speaker 1: I can now hear how you feel, share what I feel,
• 33:40
  Speaker 1: and they both can hold space where we get understanding.
• 33:44
  Speaker 1: But when it gets to a space where all we're
• 33:47
  Speaker 1: focused on is what you feel about what I share,
• 33:51
  Speaker 1: We're not gonna get anywhere. Listen, I feel you, brother,
• 33:54
  Speaker 1: because I've been in relationships where I would share these
• 34:00
  Speaker 1: are my thoughts on what has happened, and I'm wanting
• 34:04
  Speaker 1: to bring this to your attention, and generally what has
• 34:10
  Speaker 1: happened to me is once I have shared, in turn,
• 34:16
  Speaker 1: I get how they feel about what I share about
• 34:19
  Speaker 1: what happened. So now I gotta hold space for how
• 34:25
  Speaker 1: they feel about what I said.
• 34:27
  Speaker 2: I got, I would get Yeah, but you did this
• 34:30
  Speaker 2: to me back in the day, you know what I mean.
• 34:33
  Speaker 2: So that was a difficult thing. So what it makes
• 34:35
  Speaker 2: it difficult for you to even want to share? So
• 34:38
  Speaker 2: because yes, and also I went through a long period
• 34:41
  Speaker 2: of feeling like I deserve things, you know what I.
• 34:46
  Speaker 1: Mean, and deserve things like in a.
• 34:48
  Speaker 2: Bad way, in a bad way, in a bad way.
• 34:50
  Speaker 2: So what happened is when you are constantly like so,
• 34:54
  Speaker 2: you start feeling like you're not allowed to feel things
• 34:56
  Speaker 2: even though they're happening in real time, and when you
• 34:58
  Speaker 2: do feel them, instead of being a but to say, man,
• 35:00
  Speaker 2: I'm sorry you feel that way, it's like, now, let
• 35:02
  Speaker 2: me remind you what you did in two thousand and
• 35:04
  Speaker 2: then nine. Let me tell you what you did. So
• 35:07
  Speaker 2: it started feeling like, oh, man, so I'm really you know,
• 35:11
  Speaker 2: I'm gonna be paying for this stuff for a long
• 35:13
  Speaker 2: time and not understanding like no, no, no, you are.
• 35:17
  Speaker 2: At that time, I wasn't doing the therapy. But when
• 35:20
  Speaker 2: I started really diving into therapy and really started understanding
• 35:23
  Speaker 2: the work that I that had to be done that
• 35:25
  Speaker 2: I'm still doing, I'm in no way complete because I'm
• 35:28
  Speaker 2: still angry at about a lot of things. I just
• 35:31
  Speaker 2: have the tools to tools to be able to respond
• 35:35
  Speaker 2: to react to those things that I feel. But I
• 35:38
  Speaker 2: started I started really understanding like, no, bro, it's okay,
• 35:42
  Speaker 2: like you you can feel these things. It's okay for
• 35:44
  Speaker 2: you to feel even if I explained it like this,
• 35:47
  Speaker 2: if I committed a crime, and in two thousand and nine,
• 35:51
  Speaker 2: I committed a crime, and I went to jail for
• 35:54
  Speaker 2: this crime. Right, so I robbed somebody's house in two
• 35:57
  Speaker 2: thousand and nine, I go to jail from two thousand nine.
• 36:00
  Speaker 2: In twenty and fourteen, twenty fourteen, I come home and
• 36:04
  Speaker 2: somebody robs my house and I called the police. Imagine
• 36:07
  Speaker 2: if I called the police and say, ah, no, bro,
• 36:09
  Speaker 2: you remember you had robbed somebody house back and on nine, yeah, yes,
• 36:13
  Speaker 2: because you did that, we can't come and we can't
• 36:15
  Speaker 2: protect you from the robbery on your house. And that's
• 36:19
  Speaker 2: what it's made. That's how you feel. But but then
• 36:21
  Speaker 2: you start realizing, yeah, but I did my time for that,
• 36:24
  Speaker 2: So why did I even do the time? If you
• 36:26
  Speaker 2: all so, then now the trick is you start thinking, well,
• 36:29
  Speaker 2: maybe I shouldn't acknowledge when I do something because I'm
• 36:32
  Speaker 2: still gonna always have to pay for it anyway, you
• 36:35
  Speaker 2: know what I mean. So what I try to do
• 36:39
  Speaker 2: as heavy, right, But what I try to do is
• 36:42
  Speaker 2: I start realizing, like, oh, that's not my problem. If
• 36:44
  Speaker 2: this person is holding your house to shit, that that's
• 36:47
  Speaker 2: something that these people got to deal with. So, you know,
• 36:52
  Speaker 2: it's one of those things where I started to realize
• 36:55
  Speaker 2: that immediately, if anything reminds me of that, I got
• 37:00
  Speaker 2: to remove myself immediately. And then again, I don't know
• 37:05
  Speaker 2: how good or bad that is. It can be good,
• 37:07
  Speaker 2: but I think that it takes it took away to
• 37:10
  Speaker 2: grace and it probably you know, I know one woman
• 37:12
  Speaker 2: in particular who's probably watching this thick and you cut
• 37:15
  Speaker 2: me off after one little thing, and I'm like, yeah,
• 37:18
  Speaker 2: I feel bad that she was. She was a vibe too,
• 37:21
  Speaker 2: and ain't lines from the vibe she got, bro, she
• 37:26
  Speaker 2: got the she got the talking that like, oh man,
• 37:29
  Speaker 2: I started feeling like I was in another you know
• 37:31
  Speaker 2: you like I've been in this I've been in this
• 37:33
  Speaker 2: place before.
• 37:34
  Speaker 3: I don't want to be here. I feeling like that,
• 37:37
  Speaker 3: get me up out of here. Bro, Uh huh, this
• 37:39
  Speaker 3: ain't gonna happen. It probably surety probably you know what
• 37:44
  Speaker 3: I mean, yo, Man, Bro.
• 37:46
  Speaker 1: Our lives are so parallel, man, because I've had the
• 37:49
  Speaker 1: same thing where it's like, you know, you meet somebody
• 37:52
  Speaker 1: and it's like you know you you you listen to
• 37:56
  Speaker 1: the things that they're saying saying, and man, it be pulled.
• 38:00
  Speaker 1: But then there's a part of me that when something
• 38:02
  Speaker 1: is pulling me, I've resisted because I need to know
• 38:06
  Speaker 1: what is behind the pool, what is behind them, what
• 38:10
  Speaker 1: is behind the pool? Is there an agenda? Is this
• 38:13
  Speaker 1: an organic pool? Is this a natural poor pool? Or
• 38:17
  Speaker 1: is this a manufactured pool or a pool that's manipulated?
• 38:21
  Speaker 1: That once I get you in here, boh, my, take
• 38:23
  Speaker 1: off the veil and the whole bait and switch that
• 38:26
  Speaker 1: thing right there, man, because when you begin to grow,
• 38:33
  Speaker 1: and we've grown in links that most men don't, because
• 38:38
  Speaker 1: I talked to a lot of brothers in their forties
• 38:41
  Speaker 1: and a lot of them are still stuck in the twenties.
• 38:45
  Speaker 2: And I got childhood friends like that, and a lot.
• 38:48
  Speaker 1: Of women are encountering these guys. So to run into
• 38:51
  Speaker 1: a brother like us who are not perfect, but we
• 38:55
  Speaker 1: have done work, and we are doing the work continuously
• 38:59
  Speaker 1: and as a part of us. That gives us a
• 39:01
  Speaker 1: different set of lenses that I'm not looking just from
• 39:04
  Speaker 1: how fine you are, that's great, I'm not looking at
• 39:07
  Speaker 1: just from how the hair is flowing and all of this,
• 39:09
  Speaker 1: and and I like the vibe, but it's gotta be
• 39:12
  Speaker 1: more than a vibe. Because in this season, it's gotta
• 39:15
  Speaker 1: be something that I can yoke up to that's gonna
• 39:18
  Speaker 1: take me even further so, and that's the difference making
• 39:21
  Speaker 1: so man, I feel you because as you were saying that,
• 39:24
  Speaker 1: I'm like, man, I'm thinking about it. Shored it that
• 39:26
  Speaker 1: I was just like, yo, it was a vibe, but
• 39:27
  Speaker 1: I was just like, man, I don't know what's behind it.
• 39:30
  Speaker 1: And then I feel if I stay too long, it
• 39:32
  Speaker 1: may be too captivating. And I look up and I
• 39:35
  Speaker 1: wake up and I'm in the liver's loud.
• 39:36
  Speaker 2: Yeah. And also that once I see playing on the
• 39:40
  Speaker 2: internet again, instantly, I don't care if you're on here
• 39:44
  Speaker 2: talking about your mother and you you vinting about your mother.
• 39:47
  Speaker 2: You went through it, your.
• 39:47
  Speaker 1: Mother, Oh yeah, that's a red flash.
• 39:50
  Speaker 2: Playing too much on it like that. Let's get away
• 39:51
  Speaker 2: from this. Once you start playing on that internet, Oh no.
• 39:56
  Speaker 1: Because you already know what's gonna happen if it don't
• 39:58
  Speaker 1: work out. What what?
• 39:59
  Speaker 2: Let me tell you something. I don't care what you're
• 40:01
  Speaker 2: going through. I was at the nail salon today and
• 40:03
  Speaker 2: the girl, oh no, no, no, And I've been through
• 40:07
  Speaker 2: that where you sty'd be like, why you don't know
• 40:10
  Speaker 2: uh caption, girl, you gotta go. I can't do it.
• 40:14
  Speaker 2: It's just too much because you live in too much.
• 40:16
  Speaker 2: Let the moment be the moment. Some things it's fun
• 40:19
  Speaker 2: to share. Some dancer is cool. But once you start
• 40:21
  Speaker 2: getting into personal conversations that you have with your aunt
• 40:24
  Speaker 2: and your sister and now you and the now we
• 40:26
  Speaker 2: got pages and pages on your story full of the
• 40:29
  Speaker 2: oh story. As soon as they say story time, I'm
• 40:33
  Speaker 2: my head on out, he said, I'm head out.
• 40:37
  Speaker 1: I ain't gonna hold you, bro, But I tell you, bro,
• 40:41
  Speaker 1: what I tell you and meal so much in life, bro,
• 40:43
  Speaker 1: Like I tell CJ, I say, Bro, anybody that I'm interested.
• 40:48
  Speaker 1: I watched their social media? Yeah yeah, I watch how
• 40:50
  Speaker 1: they post. I watch what they post. And I'm not
• 40:53
  Speaker 1: saying I'm judging you by that, but.
• 40:55
  Speaker 2: I'm judging me. I'm judging how I'm gonna respond to react,
• 40:59
  Speaker 2: like how I put myself in this situation of now
• 41:02
  Speaker 2: what happens when it's me?
• 41:03
  Speaker 1: You know what I mean?
• 41:04
  Speaker 2: Once you start getting too or or instant name calling,
• 41:08
  Speaker 2: like when I you know, I saw a girl was
• 41:11
  Speaker 2: so cool and then once she got upset about something,
• 41:13
  Speaker 2: she called me a name. You know, what I mean,
• 41:15
  Speaker 2: like not a curse word name, but one of those names,
• 41:19
  Speaker 2: one of those psychology names, you know what I'm saying.
• 41:22
  Speaker 2: So once it got into that, I was like, oh, yeah, yeah, no,
• 41:25
  Speaker 2: we're not doing that now, we can't do that or
• 41:27
  Speaker 2: you know. So I'm just really careful about those things.
• 41:31
  Speaker 2: And another situation. I think I was in this situation
• 41:34
  Speaker 2: and it was a girl I really liked. We had
• 41:37
  Speaker 2: a good time, we were getting to know each other.
• 41:39
  Speaker 2: She was the closest, I think, probably one of the
• 41:40
  Speaker 2: closest women I had been to. And what I knew
• 41:43
  Speaker 2: that she didn't know. I knew was that a guy
• 41:46
  Speaker 2: I knew, a rapper friend of mine, had dealt with
• 41:49
  Speaker 2: her some years before, and usually that'd be like, nah,
• 41:51
  Speaker 2: I can't do that because it's just too close to home,
• 41:54
  Speaker 2: it's too weird. But Shorty was so cool that I
• 41:57
  Speaker 2: didn't even tell her that I knew that this happened.
• 42:01
  Speaker 2: But when I started really locking in, I'm liking her.
• 42:03
  Speaker 2: I'm like, you know what, I think I'm gonna deal
• 42:06
  Speaker 2: with Shorty. I like her, you know, I'm gonna bring
• 42:08
  Speaker 2: her around. I like this girl, but she needed some
• 42:12
  Speaker 2: help financially, so I think to myself. You know, I
• 42:15
  Speaker 2: think I'm want to help her.
• 42:16
  Speaker 1: I like her.
• 42:17
  Speaker 2: I think I'm gonna help her, but I got to
• 42:19
  Speaker 2: make sure before I help her. So what I did
• 42:23
  Speaker 2: was as reached out to my homie and I said,
• 42:27
  Speaker 2: I just need you to shoot at her a little bit.
• 42:29
  Speaker 2: Let's see if she's still a bike because I'm thinking
• 42:33
  Speaker 2: she might not. You know, she might not be what
• 42:35
  Speaker 2: I think it is. So so I told him, I said,
• 42:37
  Speaker 2: I want you to just start texting her and seeing
• 42:39
  Speaker 2: what's up. How she responds. So one day I say,
• 42:43
  Speaker 2: she's at my house right now, I want you to
• 42:45
  Speaker 2: text her. Now. I'm sitting on on my you know,
• 42:47
  Speaker 2: island in the kitchen, and she's sitting on my couch.
• 42:50
  Speaker 2: I'm positioning she's sitting here, and I tell him just
• 42:53
  Speaker 2: text her because I wanted to make sure I wasn't
• 42:54
  Speaker 2: I was away from her. She's caddy corner to where
• 42:57
  Speaker 2: she's facing me, her back to me, so she's on
• 42:59
  Speaker 2: her phone. So I said to him, just text up
• 43:02
  Speaker 2: where she at and that you want to see her.
• 43:04
  Speaker 2: You want to pull up on her. And he said,
• 43:06
  Speaker 2: where you at? I'm trying to see you, and she said,
• 43:10
  Speaker 2: I'm down in Brickle at my friend's birthday dinner. So
• 43:14
  Speaker 2: he screenshot and sending it back to me. I'm just
• 43:17
  Speaker 2: acting normal. I'm just like And then I said, tell
• 43:20
  Speaker 2: her you want to pull up You're about to pull
• 43:22
  Speaker 2: up to Armburn. No, no, no, it's a private dinner,
• 43:25
  Speaker 2: and blah blah blah. Well you know, I said, well,
• 43:29
  Speaker 2: tell her you want to see her this week? When
• 43:31
  Speaker 2: she got some time, you know what I mean, you
• 43:32
  Speaker 2: want to I want to see you this week. Then
• 43:35
  Speaker 2: I say, okay, let's make it happen. So now I'm like, okay,
• 43:38
  Speaker 2: I got what I need. So I couldn't just cut
• 43:40
  Speaker 2: it off. I had to still be around. But after
• 43:43
  Speaker 2: what I did was I stopped acknowledging her entertaining me,
• 43:47
  Speaker 2: helping her financially, because I knew that was going to
• 43:50
  Speaker 2: be the thing that pushed her way anyway, because she
• 43:52
  Speaker 2: was in a real bond. But I thought to myself,
• 43:54
  Speaker 2: I know I can't trust this. So now now let's
• 43:57
  Speaker 2: go back to my theory. My therapist says, so you're
• 43:59
  Speaker 2: doing for people and you're expecting this thing in return,
• 44:02
  Speaker 2: and when you don't get that, that loyalty, that appreciation,
• 44:08
  Speaker 2: the reciprocity you not. You know you've got a problem
• 44:13
  Speaker 2: with that and it's affecting you. So I knew in
• 44:16
  Speaker 2: that space this is affecting me. If I help this
• 44:20
  Speaker 2: girl and I know what I know about her, it
• 44:24
  Speaker 2: will affect me. So I just start responding about anything
• 44:29
  Speaker 2: that had to do with helping her when she cut
• 44:32
  Speaker 2: me off.
• 44:34
  Speaker 1: So I like what your therapist shit said. But I
• 44:38
  Speaker 1: think it's bifurcated. I think it's two parts. I think
• 44:41
  Speaker 1: that there's a part, yeah, the helping and the reciprocity.
• 44:44
  Speaker 1: But I also think that as we are in women
• 44:47
  Speaker 1: are encouraged girl, listen to your gut feeling. We often
• 44:51
  Speaker 1: don't tell men to listen to their insight. I believe
• 44:54
  Speaker 1: men have insight, women have intuition. We can feel women
• 44:58
  Speaker 1: can feel it, but we can and see it. There's
• 45:01
  Speaker 1: a part of you that saw something. Yeah, hep on something.
• 45:04
  Speaker 1: Oh so again I gotta stay in his vein because
• 45:09
  Speaker 1: because yes, it will affect you that you're doing, but
• 45:14
  Speaker 1: it will affect you even more when you go against
• 45:17
  Speaker 1: what you saw and not saying that you saw it.
• 45:21
  Speaker 1: But there's the insight that I believe that God gives
• 45:24
  Speaker 1: men when we tap into who we really are that
• 45:28
  Speaker 1: you now begin to listen to what you see. And
• 45:33
  Speaker 1: I remember Rico at a time where I was picking
• 45:35
  Speaker 1: up certain things and God kept challenging me. He says,
• 45:40
  Speaker 1: why do you keep igning what you're seeing? And I'm
• 45:43
  Speaker 1: gonna tell you where it came from. Men, we're not
• 45:46
  Speaker 1: taught to trust ourselves because we're often conditioned that you're
• 45:49
  Speaker 1: a liar. Oh yeah, So if you hear that men cheat,
• 45:54
  Speaker 1: men do this, men do that, you don't believe anything
• 45:56
  Speaker 1: about yourself. And you can have the answer to what
• 46:00
  Speaker 1: you have been praying about, and you won't believe it
• 46:02
  Speaker 1: because you've been conditioned to believe that you carry nothing
• 46:05
  Speaker 1: that's good. When God has given you something and said
• 46:09
  Speaker 1: I want to show you this, I want to reveal
• 46:11
  Speaker 1: this to you, and I believe that is what you
• 46:14
  Speaker 1: was picking up. And the revelation was like, let me
• 46:16
  Speaker 1: dig deeper. Yeah, because it was the part of you
• 46:19
  Speaker 1: that was sensing something like something is off. Yeah.
• 46:22
  Speaker 2: I think that that's very true. Now that as you
• 46:24
  Speaker 2: say that, it makes a lot of sense. I have
• 46:25
  Speaker 2: this thing where and I want to get your take
• 46:28
  Speaker 2: on this. My therapist told me that, you know, you
• 46:31
  Speaker 2: got to release a lot of those things. So once
• 46:33
  Speaker 2: a person is dishonest to me in any way, I
• 46:37
  Speaker 2: have this thing where I record everything every conversation I
• 46:39
  Speaker 2: have with them. Either I save the text message or
• 46:42
  Speaker 2: I won't have a conversation with them unless I recorded
• 46:47
  Speaker 2: from another phone. Now, somebody I love a lot passed away.
• 46:50
  Speaker 2: And when he passed away, he passed away with people
• 46:52
  Speaker 2: believe in a lie about him, and he had information
• 46:55
  Speaker 2: to prove that this wasn't true, but he died, which
• 46:58
  Speaker 2: still says he people believed this lieb them. And so
• 47:02
  Speaker 2: my therapist told me release that stuff, like you hold
• 47:05
  Speaker 2: on to all this stuff, and I just can't. I
• 47:07
  Speaker 2: can't let it go. Not that I you know, I
• 47:09
  Speaker 2: don't want to expose anybody online. I don't want to
• 47:11
  Speaker 2: take it and I don't play with anybody, but it's
• 47:12
  Speaker 2: like a reminder of myself, like this wasn't true. And
• 47:16
  Speaker 2: I kept trying to explain to you know, to explain
• 47:21
  Speaker 2: to him, like yo, look, it's not that I want
• 47:23
  Speaker 2: to share. I just this is a reminder that I
• 47:27
  Speaker 2: was being true, this is not what was happening. Because
• 47:29
  Speaker 2: so many times, if we're told something so much, we'll
• 47:33
  Speaker 2: start to am I tripping am I really a bad person,
• 47:37
  Speaker 2: but I didn't This is not because you know, this
• 47:39
  Speaker 2: is not what was said. This is what was saying,
• 47:41
  Speaker 2: and this is what happened, and this thing happened. So
• 47:43
  Speaker 2: I kind of compiled all this proof, this evidence, and
• 47:47
  Speaker 2: it's something about me that is I'm almost afraid to
• 47:50
  Speaker 2: erase it and get rid of it because.
• 47:53
  Speaker 1: I don't think. I don't think you need to release it,
• 47:56
  Speaker 1: because I also think part of it for you is
• 48:00
  Speaker 1: it's a reassurance that not only are you who you
• 48:05
  Speaker 1: are as a person, but there's a part of you
• 48:09
  Speaker 1: that needs to be reminded of what is truth.
• 48:13
  Speaker 2: I need that, I really do. And so even if
• 48:16
  Speaker 2: I'm the only person exactly who knows that I'm okay, I.
• 48:19
  Speaker 1: Don't agree that you need to release that. I so
• 48:24
  Speaker 1: to be even more transparent. I was talking to a
• 48:26
  Speaker 1: friend of mine this morning and I went into depth
• 48:30
  Speaker 1: about having a miscarriage with my ex and I said,
• 48:33
  Speaker 1: and she was like, well do you think I said.
• 48:37
  Speaker 1: My therapist said to me, I don't think that you
• 48:41
  Speaker 1: have to let that go. But the impact that it
• 48:44
  Speaker 1: had on me is no longer there, but there's a
• 48:47
  Speaker 1: part of it that's still in my memory because of
• 48:50
  Speaker 1: the scene between me and my ex at that time,
• 48:52
  Speaker 1: and it wasn't a bad scene, it's just what I
• 48:56
  Speaker 1: saw in that moment. I'm not able to let that
• 49:00
  Speaker 1: image go now. I don't file that image to replay
• 49:05
  Speaker 1: the trauma or to replay the tapes. I file that
• 49:09
  Speaker 1: image because there is a level of compassion and a
• 49:13
  Speaker 1: level of empathy that I felt in that moment that
• 49:16
  Speaker 1: I don't want to ever leave me, And so I
• 49:19
  Speaker 1: don't think that everything needs to be released. I think
• 49:22
  Speaker 1: some things need to be in a compartment where it
• 49:25
  Speaker 1: sort of stabilized you in some ways. It's almost like
• 49:30
  Speaker 1: when people say, well, I don't think you should keep
• 49:35
  Speaker 1: remembering your suicide, I said, why not. I think part
• 49:39
  Speaker 1: of me talking about it and surviving it is also
• 49:43
  Speaker 1: what keeps me living. So what keeps you resting in
• 49:48
  Speaker 1: that you are becoming and resting in the truth of
• 49:50
  Speaker 1: who you are is the fact I know this. So
• 49:54
  Speaker 1: when you listen to the tape, or when you play
• 49:56
  Speaker 1: the tapes back, or how read it is for you,
• 49:58
  Speaker 1: I think there's also a moment to reassure you that
• 50:01
  Speaker 1: you know what, man.
• 50:03
  Speaker 2: I wasn't tripping, Yeah exactly. Yeah, I'm glad you answered that.
• 50:07
  Speaker 2: I felt that strongly in my heart, and I think
• 50:09
  Speaker 2: I would encourage people when you go in into therapy.
• 50:12
  Speaker 2: A lot of times people think that the therapist is
• 50:16
  Speaker 2: right and you're there to give you answers. I think
• 50:19
  Speaker 2: that it's just an educated response to what you're dealing with.
• 50:26
  Speaker 2: Now you have to make a decision whether or not
• 50:28
  Speaker 2: you believe or you agree with those things. But it's
• 50:31
  Speaker 2: just a human man. And you know what blew my
• 50:34
  Speaker 2: mind was when I showed my therapist out. It wasn't
• 50:38
  Speaker 2: even my therapist, a therapist I know, and he was
• 50:40
  Speaker 2: out at a club trying to talk to a girl.
• 50:43
  Speaker 2: And I was like, he just a guy, you know
• 50:45
  Speaker 2: what I mean. Like, I was like, and he wasn't
• 50:47
  Speaker 2: my therapist, but I was just like, he's just a guy. Okay,
• 50:51
  Speaker 2: So we can go back and forth. He's just a
• 50:53
  Speaker 2: guy who can speak to me on a level and
• 50:55
  Speaker 2: can kind of help me see things from different perspectives.
• 50:58
  Speaker 2: But I'm so glad that I am who I am
• 51:00
  Speaker 2: because I was able to not agree with that, you know, perspective,
• 51:05
  Speaker 2: and respectfully, I know my therapist watch but respectfully I
• 51:09
  Speaker 2: love them. You're my guy, But I respect and what
• 51:12
  Speaker 2: you just said not in the way that you just
• 51:14
  Speaker 2: said it, but your sentiment is exactly why I said.
• 51:17
  Speaker 2: I'm like, no, I need to hold onto this because
• 51:19
  Speaker 2: this keeps me because if you constantly are hearing these
• 51:23
  Speaker 2: things about you and you know that that's not the
• 51:25
  Speaker 2: truth of who I am, and nobody else around me
• 51:28
  Speaker 2: has had that experience. And I know that this. I
• 51:30
  Speaker 2: know the way I love my children. I know that
• 51:32
  Speaker 2: who the father I am. I know the friend I am,
• 51:34
  Speaker 2: I know the leader I am, I know the giver
• 51:35
  Speaker 2: I am. I know I think about others first before
• 51:37
  Speaker 2: I think about myself. I know that I don't you know,
• 51:40
  Speaker 2: I don't have to make things about me, or I'm
• 51:41
  Speaker 2: okay to listening when somebody's talking, and I'm okay to
• 51:44
  Speaker 2: be wrong, I'm okay to apologize. So all those things
• 51:48
  Speaker 2: is almost helping reassure. Like, No, I notice it because
• 51:51
  Speaker 2: because over time you start believing something. And my father,
• 51:56
  Speaker 2: who I called when we were sitting here, I got
• 51:58
  Speaker 2: on the phone. I called my dad and I just
• 52:00
  Speaker 2: asked him for permission to share some of his background
• 52:03
  Speaker 2: because he helped He's helped me so much. So. My
• 52:05
  Speaker 2: my grandmother just passed away, and my father had a
• 52:09
  Speaker 2: very difficult relationship with my grandmother. My grandmother growing up
• 52:13
  Speaker 2: with you know, wake my dad up out of sleep
• 52:17
  Speaker 2: three in the morning. You gotta go to school in
• 52:18
  Speaker 2: the morning, and say, go downstairs, give me some cigarettes.
• 52:21
  Speaker 2: You know, my dad's from Harlem, live in the East
• 52:23
  Speaker 2: River Projects, one hundred and third First Avenue, so she'll say,
• 52:26
  Speaker 2: and then on the seventh floor, like, get get up,
• 52:28
  Speaker 2: go give me some cigarettes. I to sleep, you know
• 52:30
  Speaker 2: what I mean. My grandmother my father just shared with me.
• 52:34
  Speaker 2: He said, sometimes I want to wash the dishes, but
• 52:36
  Speaker 2: it takes me time because I have this anger that
• 52:38
  Speaker 2: comes with it because I remember when the dishes would
• 52:42
  Speaker 2: pile up and I would overhear my my youngest siblings
• 52:45
  Speaker 2: saying I watched the dishes, and my mother would say, Noah,
• 52:47
  Speaker 2: richer to watch. You know what I mean, Like, you know,
• 52:50
  Speaker 2: he didn't eat one thing. Everybody ate, but just that thing.
• 52:55
  Speaker 2: So I asked my dad, I said, uh, how did
• 52:57
  Speaker 2: you become so loving? You grew up in a My
• 53:00
  Speaker 2: dad told me. My grandfather passed away as well, and
• 53:03
  Speaker 2: my dad told me that he was so miserable living
• 53:05
  Speaker 2: with my grandmother and one day, he went to his father. See,
• 53:09
  Speaker 2: my dad is from Harlem and my grandfather lived in
• 53:12
  Speaker 2: the Bronx, so if anybody know New York, it's not
• 53:14
  Speaker 2: that far away. So he went to his grandfather. He
• 53:18
  Speaker 2: went to his father, my grandfather and said, Dad, please, like,
• 53:21
  Speaker 2: I just don't. I can't live with her. Please just
• 53:23
  Speaker 2: let me move in with you.
• 53:24
  Speaker 1: It'll just be me.
• 53:26
  Speaker 2: And my grandfather said to my dad no, and it's said, oh,
• 53:30
  Speaker 2: because I got a wife and I got a new
• 53:32
  Speaker 2: thought and I got that. He said, nope, nope, nope.
• 53:36
  Speaker 2: So I asked my dad. Because my father is the
• 53:40
  Speaker 2: most loving man I know, the most honest, pure and heart.
• 53:45
  Speaker 2: I've been in situations where I know my dad could
• 53:48
  Speaker 2: have just lost his mind on somebody, and he took
• 53:50
  Speaker 2: always the kind route right. And I've never heard him
• 53:55
  Speaker 2: utter a bad word about a person, you know what
• 53:58
  Speaker 2: I mean. I've never seen my dad raise his voice
• 54:01
  Speaker 2: to a woman. I've never seen him call a woman
• 54:04
  Speaker 2: out of her name. I've never seen him. I've seen
• 54:07
  Speaker 2: him go through things in private, and he shared with
• 54:10
  Speaker 2: me because he wanted me to know. But his response
• 54:13
  Speaker 2: to it. My dad is a minister, by the way,
• 54:15
  Speaker 2: so his position would cause for him to have to
• 54:18
  Speaker 2: deal with a lot. Anybody who knows true ministry and
• 54:20
  Speaker 2: knows what it means to be a pastor of a church,
• 54:24
  Speaker 2: there's a lot of board members and trustees and this
• 54:27
  Speaker 2: and now then you got to answer to a lot
• 54:28
  Speaker 2: of things. But he always handled things with such sophistication
• 54:32
  Speaker 2: in class. And I asked him, not two weeks ago, Dad,
• 54:37
  Speaker 2: how do you love the way you love? Because the
• 54:39
  Speaker 2: reason why I love my children is because the way
• 54:42
  Speaker 2: that my parents love me. My mother and father are
• 54:44
  Speaker 2: two of the most like. We are fetched, we love,
• 54:47
  Speaker 2: we hug each other. I kissed my mother on her forehead,
• 54:49
  Speaker 2: on the cheek today before I came here, Like that's
• 54:52
  Speaker 2: how I am. My family flies here being a single dad.
• 54:56
  Speaker 2: My family will fly here to watch my children. When
• 54:58
  Speaker 2: I have to travel. My family and my sisters are
• 55:01
  Speaker 2: on with me, like, you know, we are fos like that.
• 55:05
  Speaker 2: So I asked my dad. And because I know my mother,
• 55:09
  Speaker 2: you know, my mother had a huge family, and my
• 55:11
  Speaker 2: mother grew up in church and she did. My dad
• 55:13
  Speaker 2: didn't grow up in church. My chrad didn't grow up
• 55:15
  Speaker 2: in a loving environment, you know. So I asked him
• 55:18
  Speaker 2: where did he get that from and he said to me,
• 55:21
  Speaker 2: I knew what I wanted to feel, and I want
• 55:25
  Speaker 2: to give you and your sisters what I wanted to feel.
• 55:28
  Speaker 1: Wow.
• 55:29
  Speaker 2: And I thought about that so much in it and
• 55:31
  Speaker 2: I admire him so much because I didn't realize throughout
• 55:35
  Speaker 2: these years my dad was loving action. You know, a
• 55:37
  Speaker 2: lot of people can say, they can tell you love,
• 55:40
  Speaker 2: they can write down love. My dad was love and
• 55:43
  Speaker 2: action an embodiment of love and the vulnerability. My dad
• 55:48
  Speaker 2: kissed me on my forehead when I was a kid,
• 55:49
  Speaker 2: you know, give me a hug, you know, and when
• 55:52
  Speaker 2: I started I still you know, my son when he
• 55:55
  Speaker 2: walks into the house, he walks up and gives me
• 55:58
  Speaker 2: a hug. My son six foot two and you know,
• 56:01
  Speaker 2: give me a hug, and before he goes to bed
• 56:05
  Speaker 2: Ley Pop. That's how I am with my dad. And
• 56:09
  Speaker 2: I thought to myself, I know why I'm that way.
• 56:11
  Speaker 2: I know why I tell my daughter she's beautiful a
• 56:14
  Speaker 2: hundred times a day until I love her a million
• 56:17
  Speaker 2: times a day because I saw my father doing that
• 56:20
  Speaker 2: to my sister. And you know, so it is interesting
• 56:26
  Speaker 2: how we create these you know, these things. And I
• 56:29
  Speaker 2: always want to know where where you know, it came
• 56:32
  Speaker 2: from an absence of it, which put birthda in me,
• 56:37
  Speaker 2: and now I give it to my children and I
• 56:39
  Speaker 2: would hope that it continues, but they are you know,
• 56:42
  Speaker 2: my father is just everything, and I just needed I
• 56:44
  Speaker 2: would be remiss to find and just point that out
• 56:47
  Speaker 2: because I'm watching all the things he had to go
• 56:50
  Speaker 2: to and it reminds me that just because you're dealing
• 56:53
  Speaker 2: with this, doesn't me have to respond in this way,
• 56:55
  Speaker 2: because he could have easily had to responded in ways
• 56:58
  Speaker 2: that you know, my uncle passed, that's the way as well.
• 57:01
  Speaker 2: His younger brother, you know, abused drugs, It was abusive
• 57:06
  Speaker 2: towards women, was in the streets, heavy was you know.
• 57:09
  Speaker 2: And if you looked at my father's life and if
• 57:12
  Speaker 2: he would have went the same way, nobody would have
• 57:14
  Speaker 2: been would argue it. They'll say it makes sense, like
• 57:17
  Speaker 2: look at the way you grew up and and to
• 57:20
  Speaker 2: see him be that way despite never feel in love.
• 57:25
  Speaker 2: From as far as I know, my dad is not
• 57:28
  Speaker 2: a more womanized as far as I know, you know
• 57:30
  Speaker 2: what I mean, And I became one, you know what
• 57:34
  Speaker 2: I mean, And in a sense of being very promiscuous
• 57:38
  Speaker 2: and not being able to be faithful. In a relationship
• 57:42
  Speaker 2: for so long, and and I look at him, and
• 57:46
  Speaker 2: like looking at he had every reason to be that
• 57:48
  Speaker 2: way as well, you know, and all of the great
• 57:51
  Speaker 2: things that I am I got from him, and either
• 57:56
  Speaker 2: things that I don't have so great I didn't get
• 58:00
  Speaker 2: from him, you know what I mean. And not to
• 58:03
  Speaker 2: take away from my mother contribution, but as two men talking,
• 58:06
  Speaker 2: I think it's a very appropriate and important for me
• 58:08
  Speaker 2: to highlight my dad. And I love that you did, man,
• 58:11
  Speaker 2: because he is man just the epitome of honor, you
• 58:17
  Speaker 2: know what I mean. Obviously it's he's a human. And
• 58:20
  Speaker 2: there was some woman watching this right now, like what
• 58:23
  Speaker 2: you don't know that, But I'm just saying, like when
• 58:27
  Speaker 2: I could see from my whole life, I just looked
• 58:30
  Speaker 2: at him as a man of valor, of honor, of grace,
• 58:35
  Speaker 2: you know, grace, especially the grace that he has for people,
• 58:38
  Speaker 2: considering how he was raised, is admirable.
• 58:42
  Speaker 1: No, brother, I just want to say thank you for
• 58:46
  Speaker 1: sharing that. As you were talking, I was a reminder
• 58:48
  Speaker 1: of the story of the two brothers, that dad was
• 58:51
  Speaker 1: an alcoholic, and the two brothers who grew up in
• 58:55
  Speaker 1: the household, same experience, same father, different outcome because one
• 59:01
  Speaker 1: of the brothers said, my dad was an alcoholic, so
• 59:06
  Speaker 1: I became an alcoholic. And the other brother said, because
• 59:09
  Speaker 1: my dad was an alcoholic, I decided not to be
• 59:13
  Speaker 1: an alcoholic. So the decision that your father made I love.
• 59:18
  Speaker 1: What he shared is that he wanted he knew how
• 59:22
  Speaker 1: he wanted to feel, and because he wanted to feel love,
• 59:26
  Speaker 1: he learned love and became love to give love. And
• 59:31
  Speaker 1: now you're doing the same thing. Brother. I just want
• 59:34
  Speaker 1: to say I'm proud of you as a man, as
• 59:39
  Speaker 1: a brother, the growth, the evolution man, the wisdom that
• 59:45
  Speaker 1: you acquire again. And I wanted this interview because what
• 59:51
  Speaker 1: I like for people to see on this platform, and
• 59:53
  Speaker 1: particularly when I have people of influence enough status, I
• 59:57
  Speaker 1: want them to see the human. I want them to
• 59:59
  Speaker 1: see the her person. I don't want them to see
• 1:00:02
  Speaker 1: what Rego love has produced, what he's written to all
• 1:00:04
  Speaker 1: those different things. I wanted them to see you because
• 1:00:07
  Speaker 1: I remember where you started at I and I can
• 1:00:10
  Speaker 1: see the look that you have in your eyes now.
• 1:00:13
  Speaker 1: It's so different from that morning in the gym. You
• 1:00:16
  Speaker 1: know what I mean, and even the weight lost journey
• 1:00:19
  Speaker 1: that you you know that you that you dropped the weight,
• 1:00:22
  Speaker 1: and when I met Brenni's it was the same thing
• 1:00:24
  Speaker 1: for me. I met Brennan's at the top of this
• 1:00:26
  Speaker 1: year in February, really in February, yeah, wow, Yeah, met
• 1:00:30
  Speaker 1: him in February when Joel had the first Good Brother
• 1:00:34
  Speaker 1: event and I came down because after being on tour
• 1:00:39
  Speaker 1: for three years, bro I picked up so much weight, depressed,
• 1:00:43
  Speaker 1: had a mental breakdown last November, developed VERTI grow a vertigo,
• 1:00:48
  Speaker 1: all these different things. And when I met Brenni's, Man,
• 1:00:52
  Speaker 1: I started this journey because like yourself, Man, I would
• 1:00:56
  Speaker 1: say that I had the similar thing. I would go
• 1:01:00
  Speaker 1: to sleep and wake up tired because I was healing
• 1:01:04
  Speaker 1: men and getting on stage and helping men open up.
• 1:01:07
  Speaker 1: But then that was my body wasn't resting because my
• 1:01:10
  Speaker 1: body was working. And so you know, when our bodies
• 1:01:12
  Speaker 1: are working, you're in a fight or flight mode your
• 1:01:14
  Speaker 1: quarters all this time, you're gonna hold on the weight.
• 1:01:16
  Speaker 1: You're not gonna be to shift, you're not gonna beby
• 1:01:18
  Speaker 1: to change, and you can work out and you can
• 1:01:20
  Speaker 1: eat right, and it's not gonna work until you begin
• 1:01:22
  Speaker 1: to flush out. And so it's just been beautiful to
• 1:01:26
  Speaker 1: see Man and I watch you in Brandan's workout, man,
• 1:01:28
  Speaker 1: and I'm encouraged for you, man, And I just wanted
• 1:01:32
  Speaker 1: to tell you in this moment, Man, I'm so proud
• 1:01:34
  Speaker 1: of you. Man, dank you. You get to see this
• 1:01:37
  Speaker 1: different version of Rico love beyond what the world see.
• 1:01:41
  Speaker 2: Man.
• 1:01:41
  Speaker 1: So brother, I just want to say thank you for
• 1:01:44
  Speaker 1: sharing space and sharing your time. As we close. Man,
• 1:01:48
  Speaker 1: I ask every guest this question, man, about healing. What
• 1:01:52
  Speaker 1: is healing for you?
• 1:01:55
  Speaker 2: Man? For me, healing is except thing and all right,
• 1:02:03
  Speaker 2: when there's a when there's a wound, there's a wound.
• 1:02:06
  Speaker 2: It's just it's open and this part of this flesh
• 1:02:10
  Speaker 2: and this part of the flesh don't want to accept
• 1:02:13
  Speaker 2: the fact that they supposed to be together because this
• 1:02:16
  Speaker 2: gash is in the middle of it. So what healing
• 1:02:19
  Speaker 2: is is once that wound closes and that part of
• 1:02:23
  Speaker 2: the flesh reconnects with this part of the flesh, it
• 1:02:26
  Speaker 2: accepts that this this thing happened, because sometimes the scar
• 1:02:29
  Speaker 2: is going to always be there from that gash, from
• 1:02:32
  Speaker 2: that wound. So we're not saying that this never happened.
• 1:02:35
  Speaker 2: I'm accepting them that this happened. But I've decided that
• 1:02:37
  Speaker 2: this thing is not going to stay open. I'm gonna
• 1:02:39
  Speaker 2: expose it. So to me, very simply put, that's what
• 1:02:44
  Speaker 2: healing is for me accepting that these things happened, that
• 1:02:47
  Speaker 2: they're not going to change. They're going to be things,
• 1:02:50
  Speaker 2: remnants of those scars that are going to always exist.
• 1:02:54
  Speaker 2: I can coco but of that thing up, but there's
• 1:02:56
  Speaker 2: going to be something there that's going to consistently. Everybody
• 1:02:59
  Speaker 2: got that little little bury on they knee right there
• 1:03:01
  Speaker 2: from when he was a kid. It reminds them and
• 1:03:03
  Speaker 2: they remember when they got it fell off the bike.
• 1:03:05
  Speaker 2: But what it says is I'm gonna acknowledge that this
• 1:03:08
  Speaker 2: thing happened, but I'm not gonna allow this thing to
• 1:03:10
  Speaker 2: stay open and continue to fester them poisoning, because as
• 1:03:13
  Speaker 2: long as I pick at that wound, it'll never heal
• 1:03:15
  Speaker 2: it so and it'll close up and then it'll get
• 1:03:17
  Speaker 2: worse and it'll spread. And now I go from having
• 1:03:20
  Speaker 2: just a cut to having to have to amputate the
• 1:03:23
  Speaker 2: whole leg because I allowed this thing to poison. So
• 1:03:26
  Speaker 2: I think that healing is just acknowledging that this thing
• 1:03:30
  Speaker 2: happened and recognizing that it doesn't have to Despine who
• 1:03:35
  Speaker 2: I am and I can move forward and have a
• 1:03:38
  Speaker 2: you know, a little token of that to remind me
• 1:03:41
  Speaker 2: of it, but I'm not gonna live in it. That
• 1:03:43
  Speaker 2: wound is closed now I'm healed or I'm healing.
• 1:03:47
  Speaker 1: Listen. I know you produce music, but brother, you might
• 1:03:50
  Speaker 1: need to go on speaking to us because you just
• 1:03:53
  Speaker 1: gave a word. Listen. I just want to say this
• 1:03:57
  Speaker 1: episode has been enriching, enlightening and also impactful just in
• 1:04:02
  Speaker 1: my own journey, and I'm so grateful for my brother
• 1:04:05
  Speaker 1: and friend Rico love sharing his journey of healing, sharing
• 1:04:10
  Speaker 1: his great wisdom, and then just sharing just his presence.
• 1:04:15
  Speaker 1: You know, I'm always honored when I'm able to sit
• 1:04:17
  Speaker 1: down and talk with men, because you don't see this
• 1:04:20
  Speaker 1: often where men are sharing at such a high level.
• 1:04:25
  Speaker 1: And I just want to say again to my brother,
• 1:04:27
  Speaker 1: thank you man. I'm proud of you, and congratulations on
• 1:04:30
  Speaker 1: your journey. Man. And for those that are watching again,
• 1:04:34
  Speaker 1: subscribe to Just Heal Doctor j Subscribe to it on
• 1:04:38
  Speaker 1: the Spotify Black Effect, also on iHeart. Every Tuesday we
• 1:04:42
  Speaker 1: drop a new episode audio and visually, and I'm just
• 1:04:46
  Speaker 1: so grateful for this platform and I want to encourage
• 1:04:49
  Speaker 1: you to continue your journey. Wherever you are, you may
• 1:04:53
  Speaker 1: be contemplated, like doctor, I really want to go to therapy?
• 1:04:56
  Speaker 1: Do I really want to talk about some stuff that
• 1:04:57
  Speaker 1: has happened years ago. Everybody won't go to therapy, but
• 1:05:02
  Speaker 1: just maybe you come across this episode with a Rico
• 1:05:04
  Speaker 1: love and it encourages you to go to therapy, or
• 1:05:07
  Speaker 1: encourages you to start doing some exploring and become curious,
• 1:05:12
  Speaker 1: because healing requires a level of curiosity. And until then,
• 1:05:18
  Speaker 1: remember healing is a journey and wholeness is the destination.
• 1:05:23
  Speaker 1: Just here with Doctor J, a production of the Black
• 1:05:26
  Speaker 1: Effect podcast Network. For more podcasts from iHeartRadio, visit the
• 1:05:30
  Speaker 1: iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to your
• 1:05:33
  Speaker 1: favorite shows. And you can follow me at King J.
• 1:05:36
  Speaker 1: Barnett on Instagram and x and follow us on YouTube.
• 1:05:41
  Speaker 1: Just Heal, Doctor J.