Latest / Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud / S5 Ep14: Laughing Through the Itch 🤣

Transcript

S5 Ep14: Laughing Through the Itch 🤣 · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

0:26
SPEAKER_00: I uh I got called ma'am today, which I don't appreciate.
0:32
SPEAKER_00: I'm not ma'am yet.
0:33
SPEAKER_00: Don't call me.
0:34
SPEAKER_00: I just turned 25 in June of 2009, and that's how I'm saying it.
0:39
SPEAKER_00: Choosing to say it.
0:40
SPEAKER_00: It happened at Starbucks.
0:42
SPEAKER_00: She was like, ma'am, can I get your name for your drink?
0:44
SPEAKER_00: Ma'am.
0:44
SPEAKER_00: Ma'am.
0:45
SPEAKER_00: I turned around like, where's the deaf old bitch?
0:47
SPEAKER_00: And I was like.
0:49
SPEAKER_00: And then she was like, no, ma'am, you.
0:52
SPEAKER_00: I was like, does she want to fight?
0:54
SPEAKER_00: Uh because ma'am is rude.
0:56
SPEAKER_00: Ma'am is on the spectrum of things to call a woman, ma'am is like slightly under.
1:02
SPEAKER_00: I think it's just a little bit nicer than.
1:06
SPEAKER_00: Not much.
1:07
SPEAKER_00: She could have been like, hey, can I get your name?
1:10
SPEAKER_00: I would have been like, you can just write on the cup.
1:12
SPEAKER_00: That's fun.
1:14
SPEAKER_00: I'll know it's me.
1:17
SPEAKER_00: Even though you'll probably spell it wrong.
1:23
SPEAKER_00: They uh the name thing there, they're always passive aggressive.
1:26
SPEAKER_00: The other day, same thing scenario.
1:28
SPEAKER_00: Ma'am, can I get your name?
1:29
SPEAKER_00: I was like, Nikki.
1:30
SPEAKER_00: She was like, Dicky?
1:31
SPEAKER_00: She starts writing Dicky.
1:33
SPEAKER_00: Real committed to Dickie.
1:35
SPEAKER_00: Everyone around me was like Dicky.
1:37
SPEAKER_00: I was like, yeah, it's Dickie.
1:38
SPEAKER_00: It's uh well it's short for Dick Hole, but she can call me Dickie.
1:44
SPEAKER_00: Dickey.
1:46
SPEAKER_00: My name is Nikki.
1:48
SPEAKER_00: There's a bunch of different ways to spell it.
1:49
SPEAKER_00: I um I choose N-I-K-K-I, uh, but I change it.
1:52
SPEAKER_00: I was dating a guy named Nick for a while, changed it to N-I-C-K-Y.
1:56
SPEAKER_00: Uh dated a black guy for a while, changed it to N-I-Q-U-E dollar sign.
1:59
SPEAKER_00: I thought that that was fun.
2:01
SPEAKER_00: It's creative.
2:02
SPEAKER_00: Thank you.
2:03
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, we had a good time.
2:05
SPEAKER_00: Then we broke up, and so I changed it to N-I-K-K-K-I.
2:08
SPEAKER_00: I didn't want to do it.
2:09
SPEAKER_00: It's not like I'm proud of that.
2:10
SPEAKER_00: I'm just stating facts.
2:13
SPEAKER_00: I was hurt.
2:14
SPEAKER_00: I was hurt.
2:15
SPEAKER_00: I'm not, I'm not racist.
2:17
SPEAKER_00: That's not it.
2:18
SPEAKER_00: I'm actually one of these people, like, I hate the N-word who lives in my building.
2:21
SPEAKER_00: I think he's a jerk, but I don't have a problem with anyone else.
2:27
SPEAKER_00: So I'm 28.
2:34
SPEAKER_00: It's a weird age.
2:35
SPEAKER_00: It's the age uh as a woman when your body just starts to tell you to have a baby.
2:40
SPEAKER_00: My body's just like, have a baby.
2:43
SPEAKER_00: My bank account's like, don't you even think about it.
2:47
SPEAKER_00: Have you seen us?
2:49
SPEAKER_00: It's real sad in here.
2:51
SPEAKER_00: Like, have you been drinking?
2:54
SPEAKER_00: Bank of America.
2:55
SPEAKER_00: Uh, they email me a lot just uh let me know things aren't going good.
3:01
SPEAKER_00: They're not even in my bank, so I think that that's kind of rude.
3:07
SPEAKER_00: Things are getting better slowly.
3:09
SPEAKER_00: Last year was the brokest I've ever been.
3:10
SPEAKER_00: I was at a point where I was window shopping at CVS.
3:13
SPEAKER_00: Has anyone been there?
3:15
SPEAKER_00: Oh, treating yourself to a trip down aisle six, just staring down a box of Tampax pearls.
3:23
SPEAKER_00: Telling myself someday you're gonna treat yourself like a lady.
3:31
SPEAKER_00: I that's not that's a true story.
3:33
SPEAKER_00: I remember looking at the price, being like, I hope I'm pregnant, and I walked out.
3:39
SPEAKER_00: It's crazy.
3:41
SPEAKER_00: I don't want to be pregnant.
3:43
SPEAKER_00: No, I'm not old enough to or mature enough to handle an abortion.
3:46
SPEAKER_00: I just think that I would giggle the whole time, you know.
3:50
SPEAKER_00: Um I'm just kidding.
3:52
SPEAKER_00: I would never maybe I would definitely do it.
3:55
SPEAKER_00: I just um well if I get one more, I get one free, so I want to fill out my punch card before they change the rewards program.
4:01
SPEAKER_00: I hate when they do that.
4:02
SPEAKER_00: Or is that frozen yogurt?
4:04
SPEAKER_00: I get them confused.
4:08
SPEAKER_00: I'm I guys, I'm kidding, I'm totally I'm pro-life.
4:12
SPEAKER_00: Um, I'm just pro my life, and a baby would really f that up for me right now.
4:16
SPEAKER_00: So like having fun.
4:19
SPEAKER_00: Oh, thank you.
4:22
SPEAKER_00: I come from Missouri where there are a lot of pro-lifers.
4:25
SPEAKER_00: Um, they have a lot of billboards.
4:28
SPEAKER_00: I was driving across the state recently.
4:30
SPEAKER_00: One out of nowhere was just like thinking about abortion.
4:34
SPEAKER_00: I was like, no, but now I am.
4:37
SPEAKER_00: Thanks a lot.
4:38
SPEAKER_00: Because what better way to pass the time on a long road trip than to just daydream about abortion?
4:44
SPEAKER_00: You're in Kansas City before you know it.
4:47
SPEAKER_00: It's like thinking, it was very jarring.
4:49
SPEAKER_00: I was like, what the and then thinking of abortion, the next one was consider adoption.
4:54
SPEAKER_00: I'm like, why would I want some strangers, baby, if I'm gonna get rid of my own?
4:57
SPEAKER_00: Like, what are they trying to complicate my life?
5:06
SPEAKER_00: 28th stage.
5:07
SPEAKER_00: I gotta get my shit together.
5:09
SPEAKER_00: It's uh that's also what I say when I have diarrhea, but that's a really disgusting joke that shows you where I am maturity-wise.
5:16
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I'm right.
5:17
SPEAKER_00: I'm right about at that joke.
5:20
SPEAKER_00: It's uh I'm uh I'm single, which uh I've always been single.
5:25
SPEAKER_00: I was born that way.
5:26
SPEAKER_00: And uh it's it suits me.
5:28
SPEAKER_00: I'm fine with most of the time I'm okay, and then there are times it's like, oh, I want a boyfriend.
5:32
SPEAKER_00: Like I just moved, and the whole time I'm like, it would be nice to like have a man to like during this.
5:38
SPEAKER_00: Um I got the boxes, I just want to have sex again.
5:43
SPEAKER_00: It's uh I'm missing romance, I realized.
5:47
SPEAKER_00: It hit me in the weirdest place.
5:48
SPEAKER_00: I was walking down the street the other day and a tree branch just slapped me in the face like really hard.
5:53
SPEAKER_00: It was like embarrassed.
5:54
SPEAKER_00: I was like, whoa, but at some point in the slappage, it just slowly brushed the hair behind my ear.
6:04
SPEAKER_00: And I twice.
6:06
SPEAKER_00: So I think that maybe I shouldn't do ecstasy at that outdoor music festival this summer.
6:14
SPEAKER_00: I think I'm gonna take that off the docket.
6:17
SPEAKER_00: Because I just free.
6:19
SPEAKER_00: That's where I'm at.
6:21
SPEAKER_00: I get jealous of like couples who PDA, you know.
6:25
SPEAKER_00: I saw this guy giving his girlfriend like a piggyback ride down the street, which is a little over the top, but there was just something I was just like, I want that.
6:32
SPEAKER_00: And then he set her back down in her wheelchair, and I was like, maybe I don't need that, like right now.
6:36
SPEAKER_00: It's good for them, but maybe after I take up horseback riding, uh but for now.
6:45
SPEAKER_00: I believe in love at first sight, like I feel like that's how it's gonna happen.
6:49
SPEAKER_00: Like, so much so that I stopped looking homeless men in the eyes.
6:52
SPEAKER_00: I don't want to risk it anymore, because when you find it.
6:57
SPEAKER_00: I do want a boyfriend because I miss comfortable sex.
7:01
SPEAKER_00: You know, where you just don't give a shit, you know?
7:04
SPEAKER_00: You can just say weird stuff like stuff you really want in bed, like, hey, can you find my phone?
7:09
SPEAKER_00: Like stuff you're really thinking about.
7:12
unknown: Yeah.
7:16
SPEAKER_00: You don't have to care what you look like, you don't have to wear makeup, hairy legs.
7:20
SPEAKER_00: I can be on my period and be like, whoops, I forgot.
7:23
SPEAKER_00: Like, make it sexy and fun.
7:25
SPEAKER_00: That's why you got him black bed sheets for his birthday, you know?
7:30
SPEAKER_00: I know they weren't easy to find.
7:32
SPEAKER_00: Extra long twin.
7:34
SPEAKER_00: Um yeah, I know, guys.
7:36
SPEAKER_00: That's that's gross.
7:38
SPEAKER_00: Um 30-year-old with a twin bed is disgusting.
7:43
SPEAKER_00: Thanks for laughing at that.
7:45
SPEAKER_00: I know that uh female comics, sometimes people are like, oh, they talk about their periods.
7:49
SPEAKER_00: And I'm on mine right now, so I'll f do what I want.
7:52
SPEAKER_00: I'm just kidding.
7:54
SPEAKER_00: Nah.
7:55
SPEAKER_00: I'm just kidding.
8:00
SPEAKER_00: I uh I haven't had sex in a really long time because I quit drinking.
8:04
SPEAKER_00: So that's kind of how that works.
8:08
SPEAKER_00: Oh my god.
8:10
SPEAKER_00: Have you had sober sex with someone for the first time?
8:14
SPEAKER_00: That is, I don't think it's possible.
8:16
SPEAKER_00: I think I hear you have to be in love or get raped.
8:19
SPEAKER_00: I think those are the two scenarios.
8:21
SPEAKER_00: I'm sorry.
8:23
SPEAKER_00: And I lock up at night, so I'm never gonna find the one, you know?
8:29
SPEAKER_00: When I drank, I was an active slut.
8:31
SPEAKER_00: It was great.
8:33
SPEAKER_00: My number was yeah.
8:35
SPEAKER_00: I don't like I'll my number, um, my number can drive uh um uh a rental car, so that's uh different in every state.
8:46
SPEAKER_00: Uh God.
8:49
SPEAKER_00: I don't remember any of the sex I had.
8:51
SPEAKER_00: It was all blackout.
8:53
SPEAKER_00: You know, if you can't remember it, did it happen?
8:56
SPEAKER_00: I don't think so.
8:57
SPEAKER_00: I think I'm the only virgin with HPV then.
9:00
SPEAKER_00: I think that's what that means.
9:01
SPEAKER_00: So that's exciting.
9:03
SPEAKER_00: Thank you.
9:04
SPEAKER_00: Thank you.
9:06
SPEAKER_00: I don't know, I don't know why I'm eager to have sex again because I don't think I'm good at it.
9:11
SPEAKER_00: I recently had to have phone sex uh to talk down my Verizon bill and um do what you gotta do, and uh I'm not good at it.
9:20
SPEAKER_00: I'm uh, because you have to like it be creative in the moment.
9:23
SPEAKER_00: It comes out of nowhere, like talk dirty, and I'm like, I have a vagina, just like stating facts.
9:31
SPEAKER_00: He's like, what are you doing?
9:33
SPEAKER_00: I'm like, I'm just laying here.
9:35
SPEAKER_00: Bye, and that's all I did, because that's all I did.
9:38
SPEAKER_00: That's all I do.
9:39
SPEAKER_00: I just lay back and get it.
9:42
SPEAKER_00: Girls, you can kind of just lay there, can't you?
9:45
SPEAKER_00: Have you being on bottom?
9:46
SPEAKER_00: It's it's the tops down there.
9:48
SPEAKER_00: It's awesome.
9:50
SPEAKER_00: It's enough that you're there most of the time.
9:53
SPEAKER_00: It's great.
9:54
SPEAKER_00: I treat it like a massage, I recommend it.
9:57
SPEAKER_00: And yes, they'll sometimes they'll ask you to participate, and you should.
10:01
SPEAKER_00: You know, if you bought you dinner at Chili's or something, uh you should wiggle, you know, that two for 20, that'll get you.
10:07
SPEAKER_00: But um that's that's embarrassing.
10:12
SPEAKER_00: I I remember once this guy was giving me a really good roder ring, and at some point, yeah, I'm bringing that back.
10:20
SPEAKER_00: Sounds classy, right?
10:22
SPEAKER_00: Good Rogering.
10:23
SPEAKER_00: It sounds like he courted me or something.
10:26
SPEAKER_00: He did it.
10:28
SPEAKER_00: Sounds like I knew his name.
10:29
SPEAKER_00: And it uh wasn't Roger.
10:31
SPEAKER_00: Uh it was Phil, but saying he gave me a good filling doesn't have quite the connotation that I like, so Rogering sounds nice.
10:40
SPEAKER_00: Because that's the thing.
10:41
SPEAKER_00: Girls, we can't be like, I got f we have to like come up with like euphemisms.
10:46
SPEAKER_00: My least favorite of which is uh fooled around.
10:50
SPEAKER_00: Let's stop saying that.
10:52
SPEAKER_00: My friend the other day was like, Josh and I, we just fooled around.
10:54
SPEAKER_00: I'm like, ugh, what did he like get your nose?
10:57
SPEAKER_00: Did you guys like hit the tenth will fight?
11:00
SPEAKER_00: Did he pull a quarter out of your vagina at some point?
11:04
SPEAKER_00: Oh, he did, okay.
11:05
SPEAKER_00: Well then that's fooling around.
11:08
SPEAKER_00: There you have it.
11:09
SPEAKER_00: Oh god.
11:11
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I was getting a good rod ring from this fellow, and in the middle of it, he I remember he was like, hey, will you get on top?
11:16
SPEAKER_00: And I was like, what's you?
11:17
SPEAKER_00: Like he woke me up.
11:17
SPEAKER_01: I'm like, let's go, let's go to school.
11:32
SPEAKER_00: That's the wor being on top, have you been up there?
11:36
SPEAKER_00: Ugh.
11:37
SPEAKER_00: I give it up to you guys for being up there most of the time.
11:40
SPEAKER_00: I had no I didn't sign up for a spinning class when I agreed to f you.
11:44
SPEAKER_00: Why is it so exhausting up there?
11:46
SPEAKER_00: My legs go numb.
11:48
SPEAKER_00: I'm wheezing.
11:50
SPEAKER_00: There's a lot of sweat.
11:51
SPEAKER_00: It's not I finally get why you sweat all over us.
11:53
SPEAKER_00: That's always perplexed me.
11:55
SPEAKER_00: It seems like a lot of sweat for two and a half minutes or whatever is going on up there, but I'm on board.
11:58
SPEAKER_00: I'll support you now, I'll sponsor you.
12:02
SPEAKER_00: What is it, the change in elevation or something?
12:04
SPEAKER_00: It's awful up there.
12:05
SPEAKER_00: I keep cliff bars on the nightstand now.
12:08
SPEAKER_00: I don't like it.
12:10
SPEAKER_00: I'm so lazy.
12:13
SPEAKER_00: I just oh, I give up up there after a couple seconds.
12:20
SPEAKER_00: If I'm up there, he's already given up.
12:23
SPEAKER_00: So then we just look at each other like, now what?
12:26
SPEAKER_00: That's when you break out the old side sex.
12:29
SPEAKER_00: Have you done that?
12:31
SPEAKER_00: Or you just it's the laziest, just so gross.
12:36
SPEAKER_00: It's it's how you finish.
12:39
SPEAKER_00: It definitely is.
12:41
SPEAKER_00: No effort involved.
12:43
SPEAKER_00: You always pat yourself on the back afterwards, like in the post-sex rap, like, what was that last thing we did?
12:49
SPEAKER_00: That was wild.
12:50
SPEAKER_00: We should contact Kama Sutra and let them know.
12:54
SPEAKER_00: Oh, you mean the two dead cows on the side of the road?
12:59
SPEAKER_00: That old classic.
13:04
SPEAKER_00: Sex is so weird.
13:07
SPEAKER_00: And it's like, it's the easiest of everything.
13:09
SPEAKER_00: For a while, I was like, I'll keep my number down if I don't have sex.
13:13
SPEAKER_00: I'll just do everything except sex.
13:14
SPEAKER_00: All but sex, all but sex.
13:16
SPEAKER_00: And that's all I did for about a month.
13:19
SPEAKER_00: Don't recommend it.
13:20
SPEAKER_00: Um, it's other stuff that stresses me out.
13:24
SPEAKER_00: Like um, like blowjobs uh cause me a lot of anxiety.
13:29
SPEAKER_00: Because I hear complaints, not like about me, but in general.
13:32
SPEAKER_00: Like I hear about like too much teeth.
13:34
SPEAKER_00: Like I read on Yelp that you guys um like the teeth thing, like you don't like that we have teeth and we're working on it.
13:45
SPEAKER_00: Science is on it.
13:47
SPEAKER_00: I quit flossing recently.
13:50
SPEAKER_00: My dentist recommended it um after I blew him.
13:53
SPEAKER_00: And so here's the thing.
13:58
SPEAKER_00: I have always had big teeth.
14:00
SPEAKER_00: It's probably the reason I'm a comedian.
14:01
SPEAKER_00: Before I got braces, I had buck teeth.
14:03
SPEAKER_00: And in middle school, people used to be like, Glazer, you're a beaver.
14:06
SPEAKER_00: And I'd be like, a vagina?
14:08
SPEAKER_00: And they were like, What?
14:09
SPEAKER_00: No, the gross animal in the why are you excited about being a vagina?
14:13
SPEAKER_00: It's like I'm just psyched someone's talking to me, and then I'd go cry.
14:18
SPEAKER_00: So I have a complex about my teeth, and they're still big.
14:21
SPEAKER_00: So I told my friends this before I gave a blow jump.
14:23
SPEAKER_00: I'm like, I'm gonna scrape some D.
14:25
SPEAKER_00: I know it.
14:25
SPEAKER_00: And they, yeah, it's the bad kind of essay D.
14:35
SPEAKER_00: I did.
14:36
SPEAKER_00: I asked my friends for advice, and they gave me the worst.
14:38
SPEAKER_00: They were like, just no, you won't be bad.
14:40
SPEAKER_00: Just go out, I'm gonna do it.
14:42
SPEAKER_00: And cover those dish scrapers up.
14:48
SPEAKER_00: I thought it was a brilliant idea.
14:51
SPEAKER_00: So I started doing that all not all over town, but I uh I I went from town to town.
14:58
SPEAKER_00: It was like a tour that I did, and um wasn't getting any callbacks for the toothless turtle blow job.
15:08
SPEAKER_00: Not a popular look.
15:10
SPEAKER_00: I didn't know you guys like watched us.
15:13
SPEAKER_00: I kind of thought we were like on our own down there.
15:15
SPEAKER_00: And until one time a guy was like, hey Nick, uh you kind of look like my nana right now, and it's freaking me out.
15:23
SPEAKER_00: I haven't called her in a while, and I didn't hear him.
15:27
SPEAKER_00: I was like, what's that, Sony?
15:29
SPEAKER_00: And his name was Sonny, it was just a coincidence.
15:32
SPEAKER_00: Um then he complained, and so then I gave him a hand job, and then he complained about that.
15:39
SPEAKER_00: He's like, You're still using too much teeth.
15:41
SPEAKER_00: I was like, what are you talking about?
15:44
SPEAKER_00: This is a hand job.
15:46
SPEAKER_00: And he said, I know, stop smiling at me.
15:48
SPEAKER_00: And I thought, you're right.
15:50
SPEAKER_00: That is too much teeth.
15:51
SPEAKER_00: I got excited.
15:52
SPEAKER_00: I I thought I was doing it right.
16:00
SPEAKER_00: I don't know that I'm prepared to find a guy right now.
16:05
SPEAKER_00: I've kind of um I've kind of let this uh area go, which has felt great.
16:10
SPEAKER_00: It's um, you know, I don't care.
16:12
SPEAKER_00: I did look down the other day and go, my god, I hope I'm not raped, because I'd be like, sorry! Like that's a thought I had.
16:20
SPEAKER_00: This is why I didn't cut through the park late at night that evening, because it'd be embarrassing.
16:27
SPEAKER_00: The last time I did anything, I bicked it completely.
16:30
SPEAKER_00: Um, it wasn't hot, it was just for surgery, so I don't know.
16:34
SPEAKER_00: It was a knee operation, but uh I just figured in case the doctor takes a look, I wanted to impress him, you know.
16:41
SPEAKER_00: The doctor, so I do shave generally.
16:45
SPEAKER_00: That's how you gotta be careful though.
16:47
SPEAKER_00: Um the first time I ever did it, I remember I just had like a nervous breakdown, and I was just like, I Britney speared and I was just like, I want it off! And I just blacked out.
17:02
SPEAKER_00: Razorburn right away.
17:05
SPEAKER_00: Which I didn't even care.
17:06
SPEAKER_00: I thought I had herpes for three days.
17:09
SPEAKER_00: Weekended herpes.
17:12
SPEAKER_00: I put a pair of sunglasses on it, we had fun, but uh it was awful.
17:17
SPEAKER_00: Has anyone here had a herpes scare?
17:19
SPEAKER_00: It's a fourth of you definitely have, but um, it's the worst.
17:24
SPEAKER_00: I thought my life was over.
17:25
SPEAKER_00: I called all my friends sobbing.
17:27
SPEAKER_00: I I wrote a will.
17:28
SPEAKER_00: That's not necessary, but it's not.
17:31
SPEAKER_00: It was just Razorburn that keeps coming back every four weeks.
17:34
SPEAKER_00: It's weird.
17:36
SPEAKER_00: All my boyfriends get it.
17:37
SPEAKER_00: What's going on?
17:39
SPEAKER_00: You know, razor burn.
17:44
SPEAKER_00: But I think um just trimming it is the way to go.
17:48
SPEAKER_00: It's uh I I have I have a hard time showing restraint, though.
17:52
SPEAKER_00: It's like when I cut my own bangs.
17:54
SPEAKER_00: You know, you get it just right, and then you're just like, oh, just a little more, and you keep going till you got some spiky shit coming out, and you're like, oh great, a month of hats for me.
18:02
SPEAKER_00: This is awesome.
18:04
SPEAKER_00: I do that down there, I'll get it just right, and then I'll keep going.
18:08
SPEAKER_00: I'm bored.
18:08
SPEAKER_00: Then pretty soon I'm doing the back for no reason you ever ventured back there.
18:13
SPEAKER_00: Oh, come on, girls.
18:16
SPEAKER_00: I regret to inform you that there's stuff back there.
18:20
SPEAKER_00: And it is longer than you think.
18:23
SPEAKER_00: It's always a surprise.
18:24
SPEAKER_00: I'm always like, should I donate this to locks of love?
18:27
SPEAKER_00: Jesus! When did I sit in a nest of daddy long legs?
18:31
SPEAKER_00: This is substantial.
18:34
SPEAKER_00: It's no one else?
18:36
SPEAKER_00: Okay.
18:37
SPEAKER_00: Maybe I should get that looked at.
18:39
SPEAKER_00: Um, don't don't ever shave it.
18:42
SPEAKER_00: Don't don't do it.
18:44
SPEAKER_00: It's tempting because it feels great at first.
18:46
SPEAKER_00: You're like, wow, I'll never not do that.
18:48
SPEAKER_00: So smooth.
18:48
SPEAKER_00: And then it starts growing back right away.
18:51
SPEAKER_00: And you gotta walk around and it's just like two scruffy bearded dudes making out by your butt all day.
18:57
SPEAKER_00: It's not ideal.
18:59
SPEAKER_00: Then the summer gets hot, and you gotta put a wet paper towel between them because I don't want that gay shit going on by my asshole.
19:05
SPEAKER_00: I don't.
19:09
SPEAKER_00: Oh my god.
19:12
SPEAKER_00: I've tried well, my friends get get it waxed.
19:16
SPEAKER_00: Um, I don't it's expensive though.
19:18
SPEAKER_00: It's like 60 bucks, and then after tip, it's like 61 bucks or something.
19:22
SPEAKER_00: I'm not doing that.
19:24
SPEAKER_00: I've tried I tried it.
19:26
SPEAKER_00: You know, I walked into a salon once and uh I was just like, I want the Brazilian.
19:30
SPEAKER_00: They were rude, they were like, ma'am, this is super cuts.
19:32
SPEAKER_00: And I was like, I know.
19:35
SPEAKER_00: I have a group on.
19:37
SPEAKER_00: It's like, can we not?
19:42
SPEAKER_00: It ain't cheap.
19:44
SPEAKER_00: So I remember I wanted to try waxing, so I was like, oh, I'll just go to Walgreens and get a kit and do it myself.
19:50
SPEAKER_00: I like arts and crafts.
19:54
SPEAKER_00: And I don't like arts and crafts.
19:56
SPEAKER_00: I've never finished a scrapbook in my life.
20:00
SPEAKER_00: Didn't finish this one either.
20:02
SPEAKER_00: I didn't get past the second page, if you know what I'm saying.
20:06
SPEAKER_00: I don't know what I'm saying.
20:08
SPEAKER_00: No, it was the worst.
20:10
SPEAKER_00: They give you microwaveable wax, but every microwave is different.
20:13
SPEAKER_00: I just put it in and press popcorn.
20:15
SPEAKER_00: I didn't know.
20:21
SPEAKER_00: Oh god.
20:22
SPEAKER_00: I uh I burnt myself.
20:24
SPEAKER_00: I scalded my s not scalded.
20:28
SPEAKER_00: I always, yeah, scold.
20:29
SPEAKER_00: I was like, um, yeah, I really taught it.
20:34
SPEAKER_00: I scalded myself, and I only got two strips in, and then I gave up, and I was like, well, I guess this is my new look.
20:42
SPEAKER_00: Looks like a pause button, but you know what?
20:46
SPEAKER_00: Metaphor for my sex life now.
20:50
SPEAKER_00: Putting this bitch on pause.
20:53
SPEAKER_00: I was clever with it.
20:54
SPEAKER_00: I called it the Patch Adams, uh, because when I put a clown nose on it, it made sick kids laugh.
21:00
SPEAKER_00: So that's why I called it that.
21:01
SPEAKER_00: It was like a fun day of volunteering that I did.
21:04
SPEAKER_00: So thank you.
21:08
SPEAKER_00: I don't know what to do down there anymore.
21:12
SPEAKER_00: It's like I um I to I used to take pictures um because my my ex-boyfriend asked me to send naked photos.
21:20
SPEAKER_00: And I was smart, I didn't put my face in it, uh, mostly because that's how he asked for them, but also because that's the smart way to do it, but it's hard to make that picture look sexy.
21:33
SPEAKER_00: You know, you're just laying on a bed, you crop off your head, it just looks like a crime scene photo.
21:37
SPEAKER_00: Like it's not a good look.
21:41
SPEAKER_00: It was the worst.
21:42
SPEAKER_00: Eventually he was just like, Stop sending me these headless horsewoman photos.
21:45
SPEAKER_00: I don't need them in my life or my phone.
21:48
SPEAKER_00: So then I remember I got a text once that was like, send pics at like 4 a.m.
21:56
SPEAKER_00: And I was like, gross, no.
21:59
SPEAKER_00: But then he had a Really good argument for why I should because he was like, come on.
22:04
SPEAKER_00: And that was it.
22:05
SPEAKER_00: But I was like, wow.
22:07
SPEAKER_00: Okay.
22:08
SPEAKER_00: I'll fax them over promptly.
22:14
unknown: Terrible.
22:17
SPEAKER_00: I um I miss I miss sex.
22:20
SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna do it again someday.
22:21
SPEAKER_00: I gotta get better at masturbating in the meantime.
22:24
SPEAKER_00: I'm terrible at it.
22:26
SPEAKER_00: I don't know what I'm doing.
22:28
SPEAKER_00: It's um most of the time I just find an itch and I scratch it.
22:31
SPEAKER_00: I'm like, yes, am I done?
22:33
SPEAKER_00: Like that felt great.
22:36
SPEAKER_00: But I'm not done.
22:37
SPEAKER_00: Then I just fake an orgasm by myself just to get it over with.
22:44
SPEAKER_00: Oh god.
22:46
SPEAKER_00: I don't know what to do.
22:48
SPEAKER_00: I um I try to fantasize.
22:49
SPEAKER_00: I try to watch, like, I'm not into porn, but I'll try to like find my porn, like a good John Mayer clip on YouTube or something, and I put that on mute.
22:58
SPEAKER_00: And then I uh yeah, well, I like his music.
23:02
SPEAKER_00: It's just for me, it's about his face because you can't sit on a voice.
23:05
SPEAKER_00: So that's just how I feel about John Mayer.
23:09
SPEAKER_00: Um but I can't.
23:12
SPEAKER_00: It's like because then I'm like, he's a celebrity, you can't have him, it's stupid.
23:16
SPEAKER_00: So I try to fantasize about like maybe someone in my life that I'm like, oh, like maybe like I have a crush on this guy right now who's totally marriage material because he's married.
23:24
SPEAKER_00: But um that's the worst to fantasize about because then I'm just touching myself to his wife and kids dying, and that's never good.
23:33
SPEAKER_00: It's uh I mean I do it in a jet ski accent, so it's kind of sexy.
23:37
SPEAKER_00: But um, yeah, they have a lot of fun up until that bridge.
23:42
SPEAKER_00: But that bridge just comes out of nowhere.
23:44
SPEAKER_00: And she shouldn't have been drunk jet skiing, though.
23:47
SPEAKER_00: That's kind of on her.
23:48
SPEAKER_00: Thank you.
23:49
SPEAKER_00: Thank you so much.
23:52
SPEAKER_00: So yeah.
23:54
SPEAKER_00: I'm not looking for I'm looking forward to having sex again, but sober sex is gonna be weird because I'm gonna be um conscious for when you guys.
24:01
SPEAKER_00: Uh that's always frightening.
24:04
SPEAKER_00: Do you guys know that you turn into demons when you are you aware of that?
24:08
SPEAKER_00: Is that a thing that you were conscious of?
24:12
SPEAKER_00: It scared me the first time it happened a lot.
24:15
SPEAKER_00: I did not see it because you're so sweet to us up until that moment.
24:18
SPEAKER_00: It's just like, oh, baby, and then it's just like whoa!
24:22
SPEAKER_01: Where's Scott?
24:23
SPEAKER_01: What did you do with Scott?
24:26
SPEAKER_00: It's horrifying.
24:32
SPEAKER_00: It's so scary.
24:34
SPEAKER_00: And then it gets then you col then it's just you collapse on us.
24:39
SPEAKER_00: And it gets really quiet.
24:42
SPEAKER_00: I'm like, the beast is dead.
24:45
SPEAKER_00: I killed him.
24:48
SPEAKER_00: But then you reanimate back into your old cell, and you're like, hey, baby, I'm like, I've seen the really you!
24:54
SPEAKER_01: Get off.
24:58
SPEAKER_00: So scary.
25:00
SPEAKER_00: But it's what you do, and it's weird when you think about it, because all of us, we're all here right now.
25:07
SPEAKER_00: Like living right now, because some dude once went like, isn't that weird?
25:13
SPEAKER_00: Have you ever thought about that?
25:16
SPEAKER_00: All of us.
25:18
SPEAKER_00: Because some dude, I know.
25:22
SPEAKER_00: And by some dude, I mean your father.
25:26
SPEAKER_00: Thank you guys very much.
25:27
SPEAKER_00: I'm Nicky Glazer.
25:29
unknown: Thank you, Mm.