Latest / New Manager Conversations with Fexingo: First 90 Days, Managing Former Peers, and Leadership Basics / How to Give Your Team Negative Feedback Without Crushing Morale
Transcript
- Lucas: So there's this moment every new manager dreads. You have to tell a direct report that something they're doing isn't working. And the stakes feel enormous because you don't want to crush their spirit, but you also can't let the problem slide. Luna: Right, especially if they're a senior person who's been around longer than you have. That first negative feedback conversation can feel like walking a tightrope. Lucas: Exactly. And if we've helped you think through a tricky conversation like that, or just given you some language to use, maybe you've considered supporting the show. We deliberately don't run ads. If you want to help keep it that way, the link is buy me a coffee dot com slash fexingo. All upfront, no pressure. Luna: Yeah, it's a small gesture that adds up. And honestly, it's nice knowing listeners find this useful enough to chip in. So — back to that tightrope. Lucas: Right. So I want to talk about a specific framework that makes this easier. It's called SBI — Situation, Behavior, Impact. I first saw it from the Center for Creative Leadership, and it's basically a way to depersonalize feedback. Luna: Depersonalize — meaning you're not attacking the person, you're describing what happened? Lucas: Exactly. Let me give you a real example. A product manager named Priya I know was struggling with a senior engineer who kept missing sprint deadlines. It wasn't a huge miss — maybe a day or two — but it was throwing off the team's rhythm. Her instinct was to say something like, 'You need to be more reliable.' That's a judgment. It puts the person on defense. Luna: And it's vague. 'More reliable' — what does that even mean? The engineer might think he already is reliable, and then you're in an argument about identity. Lucas: Exactly. So instead, Priya used SBI. She said, 'In the last two sprints, on the authentication module and the payment integration, the deliverables came in two days after the agreed deadline. That meant the QA team had to scramble to test before the release, and we had to cut one feature.' That's Situation: the specific projects. Behavior: the late delivery. Impact: QA disruption and a lost feature. Luna: So all the engineer can do is argue with the facts. And if the facts are correct, he has to accept it. That's powerful. Lucas: Right. And the conversation then turns to 'What can we do differently?' instead of 'Why are you failing?' That's the whole point. Luna: But I have to ask — doesn't this sound a little formulaic? If someone reads from a script, won't it feel insincere? Lucas: It can, if you just read bullet points. But the framework is meant to be internalized, not recited. The goal is to make sure you're grounded in data, not emotion. You still use your natural language. For example, you might say, 'Hey, I noticed in the last couple of weeks that the reports have been coming in a day late. That's causing a bottleneck for finance. Can we talk about what's going on?' That's SBI in plain English. Luna: I like 'I noticed' as an opener. It's less accusatory than 'You did X.' Lucas: Yes. And it signals that you're sharing an observation, not passing a final verdict. That's key. Luna: What about timing? When should you have this conversation? Because I think a lot of managers wait too long, or they pick a terrible moment. Lucas: That's a great point. The worst time is Friday afternoon. Nobody wants to go into the weekend thinking about their failure. It magnifies the emotional impact. The best time is actually right after a success — say, after the person delivers a good project. Then you can say, 'That went really well. And I want to talk about one thing that could make it even smoother next time.' The person is in a receptive state. Luna: So you sandwich the negative in a success? I've heard mixed things about the sandwich method. Lucas: The classic feedback sandwich — positive, negative, positive — can feel manipulative because people see it coming. But using a real, specific success as a natural opener, not a fake compliment, is different. It's about creating psychological safety. The person knows you see the good stuff, so they're less defensive about the bad. Luna: Makes sense. So you're not just springing criticism out of nowhere. You're framing it as part of their overall performance. Lucas: Exactly. And one more thing — never give negative feedback when you're angry. Even if you use SBI, your tone can betray you. I tell new managers to write out what they want to say, wait an hour, then read it aloud. If it sounds harsh, rewrite it. Luna: That's good discipline. What about if the feedback is about something subjective, like attitude or collaboration? Those are harder to pin down with 'situation, behavior, impact.' Lucas: They are, but you can still use SBI. For example, instead of saying 'You have a bad attitude in meetings,' you say, 'In the last three stand-ups, when Sarah suggested a new approach, you interrupted her and said 'that won't work' without asking a question. That made Sarah hesitant to share ideas, and the team lost a potential solution.' You're attaching the behavior to a concrete instance. Luna: So you're not saying 'you're always negative,' you're saying 'three times this week, you did this specific thing.' That's harder to dispute. Lucas: Right. And the impact statement is crucial because it connects the behavior to a consequence that matters to the team. People often don't realize the ripple effects of their actions. Luna: I've also found that asking a question at the end — like 'What do you think about that?' — helps keep it a conversation rather than a lecture. Lucas: Absolutely. The goal is to co-create a solution. After you lay out the SBI, you say, 'I'd love to hear your perspective. How can we address this together?' That turns it from a monologue into a dialogue. Luna: And then follow up. I think that's the part managers often drop. They have the conversation, but they don't circle back a week later to say, 'Hey, I noticed you've been getting those reports in on time — thanks.' That reinforces the change. Lucas: Yes. Follow-up is what turns feedback into growth. Without it, the feedback feels like a one-time complaint, not a coaching moment. Luna: So to recap for anyone listening who's about to have their first tough feedback conversation: use SBI, pick your timing carefully, lead with observation not judgment, and follow up. That's a solid blueprint. Lucas: And remember — the goal isn't to win an argument. It's to help someone improve. If you keep that at the center, you'll find the right words. Luna: Good note to end on. Thanks, Lucas.