Latest / The Touch of a Mustang / We Suffer More in Imagination Than in Reality | Episode 1

Transcript

We Suffer More in Imagination Than in Reality | Episode 1 · The Touch of a Mustang

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Welcome to the Touch of a Mustang coming to you from the
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beautiful mountains of Colorado. This is the first episode of a
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brand new podcast and the chance to share something that's been
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on mind for a long time and that is telling the story of Mustangs
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and how they heal us as humans. So if you like horses, this is a
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podcast for you. If you love Mustangs, this is
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definitely a podcast for you. And if you're interested in how
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we can make our life better and how we can heal from the
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struggles and traumas in our life, even just the difficult
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times, then this is also a podcast for you.
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To begin. The podcast I wanted to start by
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telling a little bit of my story and why Mustangs have become
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such a huge part of my life that I literally spend every extra
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penny on them. I want to start off with my
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background with horses. I grew up in Arizona and horses
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have always been a part of my life.
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My mom got her first horse and off the track, Thoroughbred,
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when she was 16 years old. And she did all kinds of things
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to train it. And then it had some babies.
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And I grew up riding some of its babies and also another horse
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that was supposed to be my sister's that was a quarter
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horse, Arabian. And so that's what I've known my
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whole life. I was drawn to it more than my
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siblings were, and that's kind of how I inherited my sister's
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horse. She got it when she turned 16
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and then became interested in other things that 16 year olds
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are interested in like boys and friends.
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And I took her and started training her and working with
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her and she was my go to horse. Her name was Sahari.
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I spent many times in the mountains of Arizona riding her
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around. My favorite memories are hopping
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on with a bareback pad and flip flops, tying the flip flops to
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the bareback pad with twine, and taking off into the mountains
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with my mom and my sister. And those were some of the
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greatest memories of my life. As I grew older, like many
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people do, I kind of moved away from horses.
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Different things started to take priority.
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I went to college, I came back from college and started
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working. And then I got married and we
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went off to Colorado for my husband's schooling.
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And that is where my adventure with Mustangs began.
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Couple years after my husband got out of school, we moved to a
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small community, great equine community, and I was drawn to it
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because there's enough land with most of the houses that you can
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also have horses and it has trails behind the houses all
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over the town. So when we were looking for
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places, it was always in the back of my mind that I wanted to
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get a horse again and we did end up getting a horse.
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We got a free horse and it was a kids horse.
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He wasn't my favorite, but the kids would go out and hop on him
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and pick their chickens up and go on him and that was good
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until he bucked one of my kids off and I was also pregnant
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again. So we decided to get rid of this
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horse. Just felt like too much.
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I was pregnant with my 6th baby and that's kind of where the
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story begins of Mustangs coming into my life.
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So about eight years ago now, I had my 6th baby.
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And a short time after that, when he was about 3 months old,
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I adopted my first Mustang. And then a few months later, my
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husband started a difficult journey of really struggling
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with his mental health and that is where a lot of the power of
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Mustangs originated in my life. When this all started to play
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out, I had six kids under 12 and I will never say that Neither
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would my husband. We had a lovey, lovey marriage.
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A friend once told us that she was a little jealous because we
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were passionate, because we fought a lot, sometimes in front
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of our friends apparently had a lot of disagreements.
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We have friends who say they never fought, not us.
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That's just not who we are as people.
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So if you want an example of a conflict free marriage, ours is
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definitely not it. But we were doing OK and then
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this crisis hit and I was devastated.
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I learned a lot from it, and a lot of my learning came from my
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interaction with horses. When my son was three months
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old, I went down to the BLM office with six kids in tow and
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put in my application. I'm not knowing really anything
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about Mustangs, and in fact I thought that they would probably
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tell me no because probably someone with six young kids
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shouldn't have a wild horse. But I had the facilities and
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they didn't say no. I came upon my first Mustang on
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the Internet. I, like I say, did not know much
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about Mustangs. I don't even know if I could
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have told you that they were horses that ran wild.
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Certainly I'd heard of them. But I knew more about Arabians,
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and one day I was feeding my little baby, kind of hiding out,
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hiding away from the kids for a little bit scrolling on my
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phone, and apparently looking for horses.
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Because if you love horses, that's what you do a lot of the
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time. And I saw the picture of my
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first Mustang. She was standing on a big aisle
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of dirt in the BLM crawls in Canyon City and I couldn't get
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her out of my mind. She was a gorilla and I'd always
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kind of have this dream. In the back of my mind,
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buckskin, I didn't even know what a gorilla was and showed
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her my husband. He said, oh, she's pretty.
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And that little bit of encouragement prompted me to go
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put my application in, get a background check, because in
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Canyon City, the Mustangs are housed on the prison grounds.
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And so you have to get clearance to go into the prisons.
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And in a few short days, I got everything in order and I was
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going to see her and I put a deposit down on her.
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I had no idea what I was doing. I guess maybe it was kind of a
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game. I don't know that I ever thought
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she was going to really come home with me, but she did.
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I was a little bit hesitant at first if I should really take on
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training a wild horse, but my husband assured me your mom
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trained her horses. I'm sure you can too.
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I had horses. I was a teenager.
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As teenagers, we often feel like we know everything, and that's
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kind of my memory of horses. I know what I'm doing.
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This Mustang came and told me just how little I knew about
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horses and about psychology, which I happen to have a
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master's degree in. Horses taught me a lot about our
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behavior and why we act the way we do.
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She taught me a lot about emotions and life and how to
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learn to work with Mustangs. I don't know that every Mustang
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would have taught me this. She was difficult and
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headstrong. I have another Mustang now.
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He is as laid back as can be, although anxious.
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But you ask him to do anything and he'll follow you.
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He'll do it. He was the kind of horse that I
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probably expected that if you just showed a little bit of
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force, then you would be able to manage it and he'd, he'd try and
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keep himself under control. But not my first Mustang.
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Her name is Sylvanie. She is named after the alicorn
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and keeper of the lost cities, which was a book that or my I
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had been reading with my kids and I kind of thought, you know,
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my kids are all going to grow up and leave me and Sylvanie will
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still be around and kind of be that reminder of those great
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times. And that's what's happening
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right now. My kids are growing up so I was
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ready to jump in and the more I looked at Mustangs, the more I
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saw about them and you see the extreme Mustang makeovers and
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you see people doing an incredible things with their
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Mustangs in like 30 or 90 days. And so I had really high
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expectations and pretty limited knowledge I can now say.
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But as I went to work with my Mustang, I realized she was not
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on board with this plan. She had plans of her own, and
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those plans included staying where she felt safe.
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She had been ended up being halter trained at the prison
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with the wild horse and mate program, which I don't think
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they're doing anymore, but such an amazing program, and just
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being there and seeing it again. I saw the power that horses have
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in our lives, and even before I really learned a lot of lessons,
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I recognized that horses do something for us.
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I remember once I was riding through the mountains in Arizona
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and I told my mom I just don't know how anybody can live their
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lives without horses because I knew that it did something for
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me. And now I feel like I'm just
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beginning to understand a little bit of it.
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But let's go back to the story. So I have about a six month old
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baby, five other kids. My husband is struggling
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terribly and I'm more or less just trying to hold myself
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together. And when my husband really
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started to struggle, which I don't want to say too much about
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his experience because that's his, but I was angry.
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I kind of had the mentality that, like, you need to suck it
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up and get over it. We have things to take care of
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in life. We have six kids to take care
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of, but that wasn't helpful and it wasn't going to happen.
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I wanted to fix it. I wanted to tell him the tools
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he could use. I have a background in
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psychology, so I felt like I had studied it a lot and I would
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suggest tools to him. None of it was working and it
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was pure unhappiness. It's just getting to the point
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where I don't, you know, cry about it all the time by talking
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about it, because now I'm able to see the lessons that I was
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able to learn from it. So it started as kind of anger
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towards him and then it turned into a lot of self reflection
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between my experience with him and trying to train this wild
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Mustang. I just want to talk some about
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the lessons that I learned. And one of the biggest lessons I
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learned, which was a really hard lesson for me to learn, was to
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let go. And I began to learn that
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because I realized with my Mustang, I can no longer follow
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the guidance that were things like show him who's boss because
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it was not working with her. She was way stronger than me,
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and she didn't feel safe with me.
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She didn't feel OK with me. And so I had to let go of that,
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of my expectations and the things that I thought were
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truths, both in horsemanship and in personal relationships.
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I had to learn to start letting go, to let go of control and let
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go of expectations, and even to let go of self doubt and
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probably a lot of self hatred. I'll go so far to say that had
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build up because of experiences and I say like we were going
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along great and then my husband had these mental health issues.
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But the truth is, I don't know that I was ever in personally a
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good, healthy, honest place with myself.
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I was really good at getting things done, at doing what I
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should for my kids, and even going above and beyond what
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might be expected of any mother. I was working from home,
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homeschooling my kids. I was beginning to learn that I
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had to start letting go. I couldn't control everything,
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and the irony of this is that it was a lesson that I would need
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so much more. As life and time went on, it's
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easy to be angry or upset. It was for me.
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But now that I'm in a different place, I can really look back
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and I can see that there was definitely a divine hand that
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was helping me to learn the lessons that I needed to learn.
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Moving forward in life and just talking about God, our Creator.
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I feel like he was a central piece in guiding me into
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bringing horses back into my life.
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And not just horses, but Mustangs.
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And it seems like all of my most recent, just really major
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struggles in life are connected to some of the horses that I
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have. But I was beginning to learn
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these lessons of needing to let go, and I began to see with my
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husband that I couldn't control his experience.
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This was a pattern through my life that brought up so many
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things for me, and it's just incredible the way the
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experience started to reflect not on things that other people
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needed to change, but places where I needed to get to a
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better place. I found out that there were real
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control issues in my life, both with filling control from others
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rather than listening to myself and my needs.
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And in that same vein, I felt like I should be able to control
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my family experience. How it all played out, how my
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kids turned out, what our family should appear like and be like,
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and all these things began to be brought into question.
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We had been able to put up the appearance of of being really
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together and with it and this time period really just
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highlighted that there was more growth and learning that I
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needed to do. It was painful.
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It was so painful. And honestly, I feel like, you
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know, in the military they say break you down before they can
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build you back up. And I feel like though it was
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done in a different way, these experiences kind of did the same
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thing for me. They almost had to destroy my
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entire foundation before I could start building things up in a
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healthier way. It's such an ongoing experience.
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As I said, this was eight years ago and I now feel like I have
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more to learn than ever. Where before, I felt like I know
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how to do this life, I know how to fix things, I know how to
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manage things, I know how to raise kids.
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And now it's so much more of a learning experience.
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During this time period, it was a lot to deal with, a lot of
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emotions. My husband's struggles would
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reflect back on me and feel responsible for him, and even to
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the extent that they were my fault, that I could fix them.
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I began to learn that wasn't the case.
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It was incredibly difficult and horses Sylvanie, she was the
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only horse I had at the time. She became a release from it
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all, and not just a release, but a place where I could learn the
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lessons that I needed to outside of the high emotional
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environment, have relationships. And so I began to learn and I
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followed horse trainers and was lucky to find some horse
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trainers who really focused on not just the horse, but on how
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our interactions impact the horse.
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And I started to learn about myself at first, someone who was
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halter trained, but I couldn't even take her out of the corral
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without her exploding. And I began to see that a lot of
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this, not all of it, but a lot of it, was a reflection of my
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anxiety. And this anxiety revolved around
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this deep desire to keep my kids safe, to have my family the way
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it should be, to be healthy. Just had these tremendous
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anxiety, fear that things would go wrong, fear that children
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would end up hurt, something bad would happen to them.
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And all this fear and anxiety began to be reflected in my
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interactions with Sylvanie. So we would walk out of the
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Krell and I would imagine the worst case scenario, her kicking
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me, my kids, not having a mother, and these racing
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thoughts would just fly into my head and make the situation
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worse. It wasn't a quick or easy
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process. I wanted it to be, but it
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wasn't, and I began to realize that I had to change myself.
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And one of the greatest lessons I learned, so happy that I
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learned this, is that the littlest progress is progress
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still, and it's the best kind of progress to make.
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It feels great to have huge steps forward, but that's not
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usually how it happens and it's certainly is not how it was
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happening. With my horse training or with
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my personal life, and it began to be a series of the smallest
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progress. I kid you not, we would take a
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step out of the crown and no one would explode and we'd go back
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in and that would be success. For that it sounds almost
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ridiculous and I certainly felt a little pathetic as I was
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walking one step with my horse out of the crowd and these other
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people were getting their Mustangs and five days later
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going on trail rides. Or I had to fight a lot of self
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doubt because of that and let go of what I thought should be,
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which went right back to applying it to life and accept
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where we were at, where I was as a person and as a horse trainer
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and start working from there. And that's maybe one of the
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greatest lessons that I learned is that I couldn't change who I
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was, who my horse was, who the people around me were by wishing
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it to be different. All that I could change was
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myself. And when it came to things that
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I really struggled with, that change came slow and hard.
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And through persistence and dedication I began to take the
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tiniest steps but make sure that they were in the right direction
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and to take the tiniest amount of progress and recognize it and
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move forward from there. And yes, I had to accept that I
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was not a 30 day Mustang trainer.
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In fact, our journey was more like a three to five year plan,
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and I had to accept that my personal life was not what I
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expected or wanted it to be. It was what it was and I got to
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choose how I addressed that and reacted to that.
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And so, as I continued to learn with my Mustang, I learned that
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it was necessary for me to not control her, but to work with
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her and for us to teach each other.
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For me to teach her that she was safe, and for her to teach me
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that I had things left to learn, that she was ready to teach me.
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And I have to say, she's the best teacher that I've ever had,
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and I would just have these crazy insights.
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When I would go out with her, I would leave my house, which felt
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like it was an emotional turmoil some of the time.
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And I would go out with her and it would be gone.
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And I would work with her and I would get these insights and
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answers to things that I was really struggling with in my
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life and maybe more than anything else.
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It wasn't easy. We were still going along with a
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good bit of of struggle along the way, and I was definitely
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having to learn and coming to a lot of roadblocks.
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But I began to learn to let go and to build a a relationship, a
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partnership with her where I had a say and she also had a say,
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and it began to teach me lessons about life and psychology, the
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way we behave. A lot of people will say that
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horses are mirrors to the people that they are around, and they
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really do reflect and respond to our behavior and our actions.
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And I think that's one of the things that gives them such an
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incredible healing power is because they are so pure and
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their responses, it's not muddled with verbal
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communication. It's instant physical response
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that we cannot control but we can influence.
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And so these lessons to let go of control were so powerful
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because I had to come to the point where I had to be able to
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let go of the outcome in my family life.
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And it came to another really important lesson that I learned
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from Sylvanie. And last lesson was that when
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you face your fears, they stop having so much power over you.
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Up until that point, I had been racing away from my fears, doing
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everything to avoid them. One important thing I learned in
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horsemanship is that you can get really anxious and try and get
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past something that's going to scare your horses.
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And if you do, they're still scared.
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And sometimes that can kind of come back to bite you, that they
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that end up reacting to that because they weren't able to
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face their fear to look at it and realize this is OK, it's not
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going to kill me. In that same way, I came to the
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realization that I had been doing the same thing in my
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personal life. I was running from my fears.
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I was tiptoeing around, trying to make sure that my fears
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didn't come to pass, that I could keep everyone safe.
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And there finally came a time which was a huge breakthrough
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for me when I finally said no matter what happens, and anyone
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who's had a loved one dealing with mental health issues, it's
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easy to imagine the possibilities of how that might
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play out and feel like if you don't do just the right thing,
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that you're going to lose someone that you love.
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And so that's how I had been reacting, trying to be very
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careful that I did everything right.
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And I finally got to the point where I could kind of turn
27:14
around and face my fears and realize I have a realm of
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responsibility. I need to take care of that
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realm of responsibility. I can't control that area of
27:27
responsibility for other people, whether it's your kids or your
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husband or your parents. It's just not yours to control.
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And I had been trying to control it, trying to take
27:39
responsibility for it. I finally realized that I had to
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step back and focus on my responsibilities because while I
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was taking care of other people's, I was neglecting mine
27:56
as well. But finally I turned around and
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I face my fears. I imagined the absolute worst
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case scenario, which I had been doing the whole time anyway, but
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I've been doing it out of fear, and I instead turn around.
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I face the fears and I realize no matter what happened, I could
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get through it. I would be able to deal with it
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if that is what came. But until that happened, what is
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the use in imagining these terrible possibilities reacting
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as if they're reality when they're not and they weren't my
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reality. Yes, it was a hard, difficult,
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emotionally, spiritually trying experience.
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It was hard. But these other things had.
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It happened. They weren't happening right
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then, And even though I imagined them and I worried about them,
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that didn't do any good. That pulled me down.
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It made me incapable of taking care of the things I needed to
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take care of. It created struggle that wasn't
29:22
there. And I know this isn't something
29:26
unique to me. There's a quote that I really
29:29
love, I believe by Seneca and he says our imagination is more
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often worse than reality. And that's not the exact quote.
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I'll have to look it up. But we make our reality worse
29:52
for ourselves because instead of living in the present, we live
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in fear, we live in anxiety, we live in what ifs, which was, and
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I won't even say that I've overcome that, just a really big
30:11
problem that we imagine these worst case scenarios.
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And no, they're not actually happening in reality, but in our
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emotional and mental world. We are participating, creating
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these events, and I had been doing that for myself a lot, and
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you can't do that without it impacting your behavior.
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Once I learn to turn to face the fear, to be in the present, this
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is my reality. Yes, all these things are
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possibilities. They might happen.
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They could happen. If they do, when they happen,
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then I'll think about it. Then I'll face it and I will
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figure out a way. Because that's what we as humans
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do. When we're faced with struggle
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and difficulty, we stand up, We rise to the challenge, and we
31:05
find a way to face it. It isn't helpful for us to live
31:10
in that reality in our mind. This was perhaps one of the most
31:19
powerful lessons that I learned throughout the whole experience.
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You do what you can, you prepare, you take care of your
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responsibilities, and then you have to live in faith.
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You have to live in the moment you're in.
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There isn't any other choice except to live in false fear in
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your head. There's nothing truly
31:48
threatening your well-being. But in your head, in your
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thoughts, you honestly believe that there is.
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When I could realize that that I was living not in reality, I was
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living in fear of what might happen.
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And yes, it could happen. There's a lot of what ifs in
32:10
life. There are very few guarantees.
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But why do we waste moments when we're OK building up anxiety and
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fear that we can't do anything about even if we wanted to,
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until it becomes our reality And then we do.
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And it's interesting, because when we are in a crisis, we are
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able to deal with it. It is more crippling to think
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about a crisis that we aren't dealing with and we can't do
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anything about except worry and think about it.
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And these were just some of the lessons that I learned through
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my work with my Mustang. I feel like that is a good place
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to wrap it up. I really want to get in to how
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Mustangs and horses have helped other people, because there are,
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if there's anything that I know so deeply in my soul that just
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causes feelings that are tangible.
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The way horses can impact our lives for the better is one of
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those things. And so I can't wait to see what
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I'm able to learn from others who have had experiences like
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mine. And it's almost a disservice to
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talk about it because you take so much away from it.
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But it's really the only way that we have.
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We can't convey the feeling of the experience until you've been
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there. But I hope that in talking about
34:04
it, it will give others the encouragement and the
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opportunity to build relationships with horses.
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And anyone who's familiar with horses knows that we have so
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many of them waiting and holding that are Mustangs and our
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country is sitting on a gold mine that they're not even
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taking advantage of. And I really believe that we
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have a lot of turmoil and sickness in our world and our
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culture today. And I know from my experience
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that Mustangs are one of the ways that we can make that life
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better. So I hope you'll join me in
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talking with others about Mustangs and horses and how they
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heal and teach us. And if you have a story
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yourself, please reach out, because I want to hear it.
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I want to learn and know everything I can about what
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these horses do for us.