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The Parenting Update You Didn’t Know You Needed — Until Now · IMPACT: Parenting with Perspective

• 0:00
  Ben: I'm Ben Pugh and you're listening to IMPACT! Parenting with Perspective.
• 0:06
  Ben: This podcast is all about helping parents manage the mental and emotional drama that comes with parenting teens so they can focus on what's most important.
• 0:17
  Ben: Building rock solid relationships and having a powerful impact on their teen's life.
• 0:22
  Ben: Join me each week as I dive into real tools to help you and your teen turn struggles into strengths.
• 0:33
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: All right everybody.
• 0:34
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: Welcome back to the podcast.
• 0:38
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: Cortni, can I tell you something real quick?
• 0:40
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: Well, first, if you're listening to this podcast, Cortni is back
• 0:45
  cort-guest688_1_11-21-2025_120038: Hm.
• 0:45
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: do you know what has been happening?
• 0:47
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: When I have free consultation calls with people, they're like, who's Cortni?
• 0:53
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: Tell me more about Cortni, you like your system?
• 0:56
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: No, seriously.
• 0:57
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: And I'm like, like here's the funny thing, do you wanna know what I tell people?
• 1:02
  cort-guest688_1_11-21-2025_120038: What?
• 1:03
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: If you listen to last podcast, you would know what I tell, tell people, but basically I'm like, Cortni is one of my all time hardest clients.
• 1:13
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: That might be an exaggeration,
• 1:15
  cort-guest688_1_11-21-2025_120038: it.
• 1:16
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: but I tell the story, I'm like, man.
• 1:20
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: I kept on referring this book to her.
• 1:23
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: I'm like, go read this book.
• 1:24
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: It'll fix everything.
• 1:25
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: And she's like, no, that's too easy.
• 1:27
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: She finally did it.
• 1:28
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: And now you should get royalties for the Arbinger Institutes, um, leadership and self-deception.
• 1:36
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: Anyways, corny.
• 1:38
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: Yes.
• 1:38
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: People ask about you, they wanna know who you are, and I always just tell'em like, honestly, she is probably the hardest client I've ever had.
• 1:48
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: That's not.
• 1:49
  cort-guest688_1_11-21-2025_120038: know that that is not true'cause I used to attend the group calls and I am not challenging.
• 1:55
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: There were some that were challenging in there.
• 1:57
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: The the hardest client I've ever had, I've learned my lesson on this one.
• 2:03
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: This is why I am so adamant that I will not work with teenagers if they don't wanna work with me.
• 2:11
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: The hardest client I've ever worked with would show up on the call and just put his head down, wouldn't hardly respond.
• 2:19
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: I'd be like, nod your head twice if like it was bad.
• 2:24
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: So for those of you who I've lied to, no, Cortni is not the hardest client that I've ever had, but she might wonder
• 2:33
  cort-guest688_1_11-21-2025_120038: your little sister,
• 2:37
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: my older sister.
• 2:39
  cort-guest688_1_11-21-2025_120038: younger sister, for sure.
• 2:42
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: Well that, that's debatable.
• 2:45
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: One of these days we'll just reveal the truth.
• 2:49
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: Okay,
• 2:50
  cort-guest688_1_11-21-2025_120038: Yeah.
• 2:50
  cort-guest688_1_11-21-2025_120038: Yeah.
• 2:51
  cort-guest688_1_11-21-2025_120038: And
• 2:51
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: I wanna talk.
• 2:52
  cort-guest688_1_11-21-2025_120038: up.
• 2:53
  cort-guest688_1_11-21-2025_120038: You're really gonna be my older brother.
• 2:55
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: Oh my goodness, it is coming up actually.
• 2:57
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: I love my birthday and I'm excited for my birthday.
• 3:01
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: The only problem with my birthday.
• 3:03
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: I feel like most people forget about my birthday because it's around Thanksgiving.
• 3:09
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: I'm like, guys, get your freaking priorities straight.
• 3:14
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: There's my birthday and then there's Thanksgiving.
• 3:16
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: But people don't understand that
• 3:18
  cort-guest688_1_11-21-2025_120038: Yeah, at the table be like, who are you most thankful for?
• 3:21
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: E.
• 3:22
  cort-guest688_1_11-21-2025_120038: obviously.
• 3:23
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: Exactly, yes.
• 3:26
  cort-guest688_1_11-21-2025_120038: Mm-hmm.
• 3:27
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: going to do that this year at Thanksgiving, I'm just gonna be like, okay guys, I'd like to start a new Thanksgiving tradition.
• 3:34
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: Let's go around the table and everyone pick one thing that you are grateful for about me.
• 3:41
  cort-guest688_1_11-21-2025_120038: Mm-hmm.
• 3:42
  cort-guest688_1_11-21-2025_120038: You should like, it's a birthday gift to me.
• 3:45
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: All right, guys.
• 3:46
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: I am not that crazy.
• 3:48
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: I do love my birthday and I do love it when it happens to fall on Thanksgiving.
• 3:53
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: Because then people basically have to hang out with me.
• 3:57
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: But, um, well, I have so many things I wanna talk to you about.
• 4:03
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: We haven't talked in so long.
• 4:05
  cort-guest688_1_11-21-2025_120038: I know it's been a while.
• 4:07
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: Welcome back to the podcast.
• 4:09
  cort-guest688_1_11-21-2025_120038: Thanks.
• 4:10
  cort-guest688_1_11-21-2025_120038: I'm happy to be back.
• 4:11
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: You might need to reintroduce yourself.
• 4:13
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: I think maybe our listeners have forgotten who you are.
• 4:16
  cort-guest688_1_11-21-2025_120038: Hi, my name's Cortni and I'm Ben's youngest sister,
• 4:21
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: Well, that's not even close to true.
• 4:23
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: Do you know how many kids are in my family?
• 4:26
  cort-guest688_1_11-21-2025_120038: like 12 nine.
• 4:29
  cort-guest688_1_11-21-2025_120038: Stop.
• 4:31
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: 15.
• 4:33
  cort-guest688_1_11-21-2025_120038: Oof.
• 4:33
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: A bunch of the them are adopted.
• 4:36
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: Um, hopefully my mom isn't listening to this.
• 4:39
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: Sometimes she feels bad that me and the younger siblings don't have the same relationship as me and the older siblings, and I'm like.
• 4:48
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: These guys didn't come into the family until I had my own family, my own wife and kids.
• 4:55
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: And anyways, but you are most definitely not my youngest sister.
• 5:03
  cort-guest688_1_11-21-2025_120038: Okay.
• 5:06
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: We should put all that as like a, uh, I'll see if Deb will cut this out, but like a blooper reel.
• 5:11
  cort-guest688_1_11-21-2025_120038: Sorry.
• 5:12
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: shooing away her children.
• 5:14
  cort-guest688_1_11-21-2025_120038: Oh my gosh.
• 5:15
  cort-guest688_1_11-21-2025_120038: I told you
• 5:17
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: Now you're good.
• 5:19
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: Let's talk about some of the things that we've missed together.
• 5:22
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: Ready?
• 5:23
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: We good to go?
• 5:25
  cort-guest688_1_11-21-2025_120038: Yes.
• 5:25
  cort-guest688_1_11-21-2025_120038: She has left.
• 5:26
  cort-guest688_1_11-21-2025_120038: Mm-hmm.
• 5:27
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: Building?
• 5:27
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: Okay.
• 5:28
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: Awesome.
• 5:29
  cort-guest688_1_11-21-2025_120038: Mm-hmm.
• 5:29
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: Okay.
• 5:30
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: Since we last spoke, I spoke,
• 5:33
  cort-guest688_1_11-21-2025_120038: a new gig.
• 5:34
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: well, kind of a new gig.
• 5:36
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: The the school is poor and I am, I'm agreeing to do things for.
• 5:46
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: So little money, it's not even funny.
• 5:48
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: But I did speak in front of a group of almost a thousand students, which is nerve wracking and fun,
• 5:57
  cort-guest688_1_11-21-2025_120038: Mm-hmm.
• 5:58
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: a handful of the kids were like, dude, that was the best assembly ever.
• 6:01
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: They had so much fun.
• 6:02
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: It was awesome.
• 6:03
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: Even some of the teachers were like, like I taught with some of these guys like 10 years ago when I taught at the school.
• 6:09
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: And they're like, wow, that was really good.
• 6:11
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: We didn't know you were capable of that kinda stuff.
• 6:14
  cort-guest688_1_11-21-2025_120038: Yeah, was it recorded?
• 6:18
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: No, but I did hire a camera guy to come take a bunch of pictures so I can update my website.
• 6:25
  cort-guest688_1_11-21-2025_120038: I would've loved to see it.
• 6:26
  cort-guest688_1_11-21-2025_120038: I'm sure the kids had fun.
• 6:28
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: Yeah, it was fun.
• 6:29
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: We did a hula hoop student versus student versus teacher race.
• 6:36
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: We did a tug of war.
• 6:39
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: Just some games.
• 6:41
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: It was fun and it was on Halloween, so these kids were already like hopped up on sugar and
• 6:47
  cort-guest688_1_11-21-2025_120038: Hmm.
• 6:47
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: time.
• 6:49
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: And then now they have me working with, uh, boys group, helping them, like they gave me the six hardest kids in the whole school.
• 6:57
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: And they're like, good luck.
• 6:58
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: Hopefully
• 6:59
  cort-guest688_1_11-21-2025_120038: Hmm,
• 7:00
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: learn something and won't get in trouble anymore.
• 7:03
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: So.
• 7:05
  cort-guest688_1_11-21-2025_120038: Hmm.
• 7:07
  cort-guest688_1_11-21-2025_120038: Sounds like maybe the school, like after talking to these kids, maybe the school could do some things differently.
• 7:13
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: Yeah, I really wish, like it's cool that I can talk to the students, but if we look at the T chart of control, which I talk about all the time
• 7:25
  cort-guest688_1_11-21-2025_120038: Mm-hmm.
• 7:25
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: an administrator, as a teacher.
• 7:28
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: It's really important to understand that these kids aren't something that you can control.
• 7:33
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: And in my opinion, the best teachers are really good at managing what is within their control.
• 7:40
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: Like the funny thing is, so these are like literally these six worst kids at their school, like constantly in trouble.
• 7:48
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: Constantly suspended.
• 7:50
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: Anyways, the kids tell me about the teachers and they're like, man, this teacher just exploded on me yelling at me.
• 7:57
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: And I'm like, we expect these kids to be emotionally intentional, but the adults can't even be emotionally intentional.
• 8:07
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: Anyways, I would, I would love to go to the two primary.
• 8:13
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: Root causes of the problems, which in my opinion would be the parents and the teachers, but they won't let me get to the root of the matter.
• 8:22
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: They're like, no, no, just fix the fruit.
• 8:24
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: Just work with the team.
• 8:26
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: So for now, I got my foot in the door.
• 8:30
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: I am doing it for very, very inexpensively So here's the thing that I wanted to talk about.
• 8:38
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: So another thing that's changed recently in my life, um, last week I had a low back flare up.
• 8:47
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: Like my SI joint, my PSOAS muscle was just like, like, it felt like it was gonna make my pelvis like implode and I could barely walk.
• 8:57
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: I was hurting super bad.
• 9:00
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: I've had back surgery in the past.
• 9:03
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: I've done physical therapy in the past.
• 9:05
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: I've gone to chiropractors in the past and none of it worked.
• 9:09
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: So where do you think I turned for relief And no, it's not drugs.
• 9:14
  cort-guest688_1_11-21-2025_120038: Hmm.
• 9:15
  cort-guest688_1_11-21-2025_120038: Um, acupuncture,
• 9:17
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: No.
• 9:18
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: But it does start with the same letter and it's my new favorite thing about our time that we live in.
• 9:27
  cort-guest688_1_11-21-2025_120038: ai.
• 9:28
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: AI chat, GPT freaking healed me almost instant.
• 9:31
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: No, it wasn't almost instant ho.
• 9:34
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: Honestly though, in the past I've had these low back flareups and it has taken two weeks to get over it with like muscle relaxers and massage therapy and.
• 9:49
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: Chiropractor and I told Chad GPT, and I'm like, here are my symptoms.
• 9:56
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: Here's what's going on.
• 9:56
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: I was like, all right, yeah.
• 9:57
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: Here's exactly what's going on.
• 9:59
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: You got muscles firing that shouldn't be firing.
• 10:03
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: You got patterns that aren't right.
• 10:04
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: It's like, send me some pictures of your body.
• 10:07
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: So I sent these topless pictures of me to ai.
• 10:11
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: Oh my goodness, Cortni, you shouldn't be laughing at me.
• 10:14
  cort-guest688_1_11-21-2025_120038: Carry on.
• 10:14
  cort-guest688_1_11-21-2025_120038: I'll mute myself.
• 10:15
  cort-guest688_1_11-21-2025_120038: Keep
• 10:16
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: We're in public.
• 10:19
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: Anyways, so I send these pictures and Chad, GPT is like, all right Ben, you have a forward tipped pelvis.
• 10:26
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: You have a high right hip.
• 10:28
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: Of course you're experiencing this because you've overdone it.
• 10:31
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: And I did some stupid things too, that it's like, well, duh.
• 10:35
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: Anyways, it's like the fastest way to get out of this.
• 10:40
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: You have to relax those muscles and you have to do the thing.
• 10:44
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: It walked me step by step within 24 hours.
• 10:48
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: I was so much better.
• 10:51
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: That's never happened before.
• 10:53
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: And Chad, GP t's like, look bro, this is gonna happen again unless you reprogram some of the patterns, some of the dysfunctions that you have in how your body works.
• 11:07
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: And it basically was like, Ben, you can't just.
• 11:10
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: Do a bunch of exercises to create new patterns, because I was like, well, I've been going to the gym, I've been working hard.
• 11:18
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: And it's like, yeah, but while your low back is in dysfunction, everything you're doing is reinforcing old bad patterns, and it's putting too much strain on these areas of your body, which is why they're flared up.
• 11:34
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: And the reason I wanna talk about it, it just blew my freaking mind.
• 11:38
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: I feel like.
• 11:40
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: A lot of times when it comes to parenting, we want to do new things, but we're not willing to undo the old programming that is holding us back.
• 11:52
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: And if you're not willing to undo the old programming, you will fall back into that old programming and that will become your reality again.
• 12:01
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: So that is kind of what I'd like to talk about today.
• 12:07
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: Are you in a, we're getting a tour of Cortni's house real quick.
• 12:10
  cort-guest688_1_11-21-2025_120038: No, sorry, I was looking for my phone there.
• 12:13
  cort-guest688_1_11-21-2025_120038: It, it's, but I was totally listening to you and I agree.
• 12:16
  cort-guest688_1_11-21-2025_120038: We're not willing to undo the old programming Change.
• 12:21
  cort-guest688_1_11-21-2025_120038: Yeah, I agree with you.
• 12:24
  cort-guest688_1_11-21-2025_120038: can I just ask really quick, what
• 12:26
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: Yeah.
• 12:26
  cort-guest688_1_11-21-2025_120038: you do for your back?
• 12:28
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: So it's like the first thing you need to do.
• 12:32
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: Well, first.
• 12:35
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: Tell me more about what's going on.
• 12:36
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: And when I told it like, man, it feels like my pelvis is about to implode.
• 12:41
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: Like this isn't external pain.
• 12:43
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: It's like pain on the inside.
• 12:45
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: Like the muscles are pulling on my pelvis structure
• 12:49
  cort-guest688_1_11-21-2025_120038: Mm-hmm.
• 12:50
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: and just cramping down, getting it to all pull in, and it's like, oh yeah, so this is your SOAs, this is your SI joint, this is your quadrilateral.
• 13:01
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: And I'm like.
• 13:02
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: Yeah, whatever.
• 13:04
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: So it's like, go lay in this position and it's like you're soaz.
• 13:08
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: It's this deeper muscle.
• 13:11
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: It's like it responds really well to breathing, and right now it's locking down your lower back to prevent you from injuring yourself.
• 13:20
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: And so it had me lay in certain positions, breathe certain way, ways, had me roll in a certain way, and basically it helped me offload that muscle.
• 13:32
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: So it could stop firing and just be in lockdown.
• 13:37
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: What?
• 13:37
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: What are you smiling about?
• 13:39
  cort-guest688_1_11-21-2025_120038: I just, I can picture Deb, like walking around the house watching you do this.
• 13:43
  cort-guest688_1_11-21-2025_120038: Does she, maybe she's more, more supportive and loving than I am, but I could just
• 13:50
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: She's much more supportive and loving and laugh at me as much as you do.
• 13:55
  cort-guest688_1_11-21-2025_120038: Oh gosh.
• 13:56
  cort-guest688_1_11-21-2025_120038: She probably just was like, oh, Ben,
• 13:59
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: She's.
• 13:59
  cort-guest688_1_11-21-2025_120038: really happy that that helped.
• 14:01
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: A crazy person.
• 14:02
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: Well, here's to take it even deeper, like Chad, GPT literally was like, dude, do you want me to give you some exercises to help you get out of the flare up faster?
• 14:15
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: And then once you're out of the flare up, do you want me to give you exercises to help you correct these patterns that.
• 14:24
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: Are misfiring and not working.
• 14:25
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: And I was like, yeah.
• 14:26
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: So to bring Deb into this, which she loves it when I do this, just give you a little insight into our home.
• 14:33
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: Yesterday I was doing one of the workouts and Chad GPT isn't like some trainer on the YouTube that's like, here's what I want you to do.
• 14:43
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: And then they do the exercise and you can see it.
• 14:45
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: So chat, GPT has to write on like a fourth grade level so that I understand like.
• 14:50
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: Okay Ben, get on your hands and your knees and extend this ha hand and do this with this leg.
• 14:57
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: And I'm like, Deb, I don't know what chat GPT wants me to do.
• 15:02
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: So Deb takes a picture of me, uploads it onto chat GPT.
• 15:06
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: And this is what I love about chat GPT.
• 15:09
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: I can take note of this, Cortni, you for sure could take note of this chat.
• 15:15
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: GPT is so supportive.
• 15:17
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: Like Deb sends this picture into chat, GPT, and it's like, really good job, Ben.
• 15:25
  cort-guest688_1_11-21-2025_120038: Mm-hmm.
• 15:26
  cort-guest688_1_11-21-2025_120038: I, I love it.
• 15:29
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: Amazing.
• 15:30
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: Good job.
• 15:32
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: You're oh, so close, like.
• 15:36
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: Here's what you should fix.
• 15:38
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: And it just does it in a way that you're like, well, I'm already so close.
• 15:41
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: And it's like, fix this, fix this, fix this.
• 15:43
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: We fix it, we send it the picture.
• 15:46
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: And Chad, GPT is like, really good job, Ben.
• 15:50
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: Way to make those adjustments.
• 15:52
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: Here's a couple more and it like helps you dial in.
• 15:56
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: But yes, Deb is a part of this craziness.
• 16:00
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: Now, just for those of you who are worried, like bam.
• 16:04
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: You cannot turn your health over to ai.
• 16:08
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: I know I actually hired someone to help me work through my back, but the thing was I didn't wanna hire a doctor because they always just want to give me a shot, had me take medication or go get surgery.
• 16:27
  cort-guest688_1_11-21-2025_120038: Mm-hmm.
• 16:28
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: I basically have a lifetime membership to my local chiropractor.
• 16:31
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: 'cause I paid that fool like$17,000 before trying to fix my back and it didn't work.
• 16:38
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: Anyways.
• 16:40
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: Chad, or not Chad, GPT, Facebook.
• 16:44
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: Okay, here's the conspiracy theorist in me.
• 16:47
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: The day my lower back flares up.
• 16:51
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: All of a sudden I'm getting ads all over the place like, Hey, does your back hurt?
• 16:56
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: Are you tired of blah, blah, blah.
• 16:58
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: And I happened to watch one of the things and I'm like, dang, this guy is speaking my language.
• 17:03
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: 'cause he is like, man, you gotta reprogram the systems in your body.
• 17:07
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: And I'm like, I love this thing.
• 17:08
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: Like, let's tell me more.
• 17:09
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: So I went and looked at it.
• 17:12
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: Keep in mind my pain, like Chad, GPT asked like, on a scale of one to 10, where would you put your pain?
• 17:18
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: And I'm like, uh, 12.
• 17:20
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: Like,
• 17:20
  cort-guest688_1_11-21-2025_120038: Hmm.
• 17:21
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: I'm so bad.
• 17:22
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: So I was in this state of desperation.
• 17:26
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: I book a free consultation.
• 17:27
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: It's really similar to my process to work with me, which I thought was cool.
• 17:31
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: But I meet with this guy and he is like, man, I.
• 17:36
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: Looking at, because he had me stand up, do some movements.
• 17:39
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: He's like taking screenshots and showing me, and he's like, dude, your patterns are all outta whack.
• 17:46
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: And he's like, this is worse for athletes.
• 17:49
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: He's like, you'll actually heal slower than some freaking sedentary couch potato.
• 17:55
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: That's never done anything.
• 17:58
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: What?
• 17:59
  cort-guest688_1_11-21-2025_120038: Couch.
• 17:59
  cort-guest688_1_11-21-2025_120038: Potato.
• 18:02
  cort-guest688_1_11-21-2025_120038: Sorry.
• 18:02
  cort-guest688_1_11-21-2025_120038: Keep going.
• 18:04
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: That is the first time in my life I actually used the word potato.
• 18:09
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: It's supposed to be potato, but it came out wrong.
• 18:14
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: Anyways, he is like, yeah, some do.
• 18:16
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: Some sedentary couch potato, uh, would actually heal faster because their muscles haven't had.
• 18:25
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: That many repetitions, whereas he is like, you are an athlete.
• 18:29
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: This has been going on since you were a teenager.
• 18:32
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: You've trained really hard in the weight room.
• 18:35
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: Your body has spent countless repetitions reinforcing these bad habits.
• 18:42
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: And anyways, he gave me a summary of everything.
• 18:45
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: He is like, this is what we gotta address.
• 18:49
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: In true Ben Pugh form, I copied his whole entire summary.
• 18:54
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: You already know you're grinning at me.
• 18:55
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: What am I gonna say here?
• 18:57
  cort-guest688_1_11-21-2025_120038: Keep going.
• 18:58
  cort-guest688_1_11-21-2025_120038: Keep going.
• 18:59
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: Yeah, so I copied it, pasted it into my new best friend.
• 19:03
  cort-guest688_1_11-21-2025_120038: Mm-hmm.
• 19:04
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: Chatty GPT.
• 19:06
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: That's what I call chat.
• 19:07
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: It's just chatty.
• 19:08
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: Anyways, I was like, yeah, this is spot on, and this is what we were planning on doing to help you.
• 19:14
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: His is broken up in slightly different phases, but the result will be the same.
• 19:19
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: This is different than your chiropractor approach.
• 19:22
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: Doctor approach, physical therapist approach, massage therapist, and anyways, so now I have.
• 19:31
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: Another coach, and this one's gonna help me fix my freaking dysfunction.
• 19:35
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: I have had back pain off and on since I was probably 15.
• 19:41
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: And between AI and this dude that's gonna help me, I'm going to reprogram the patterns that are currently operating in my body to operate more efficiently so I can get a better result.
• 19:56
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: Now, Cortni, why are we talking about all this?
• 19:59
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: What on earth does any of this have to do with parenting?
• 20:02
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: A teenager.
• 20:04
  cort-guest688_1_11-21-2025_120038: Um,'cause we need to change our old programming and update it just like our phones and everything.
• 20:10
  cort-guest688_1_11-21-2025_120038: We need to update and interact with our teens differently, you know, a new program.
• 20:17
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: Yeah.
• 20:18
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: Really good.
• 20:19
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: And here's something that, so.
• 20:22
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: I before my flare up, what?
• 20:26
  cort-guest688_1_11-21-2025_120038: Thanks, chatty.
• 20:27
  cort-guest688_1_11-21-2025_120038: It's just like chat GPT.
• 20:28
  cort-guest688_1_11-21-2025_120038: You always have positive reinforcement.
• 20:30
  cort-guest688_1_11-21-2025_120038: Okay.
• 20:30
  cort-guest688_1_11-21-2025_120038: Sorry.
• 20:31
  cort-guest688_1_11-21-2025_120038: Keep going Before your flare up.
• 20:33
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: Before my flare up, I was trying to address some problems.
• 20:37
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: Like my back was a little stiff.
• 20:40
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: I was hurting a little bit, and I was like, oh, well, I'm just going to do this.
• 20:45
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: And I feel like this is what we do in parenting sometimes.
• 20:48
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: We're at the bottom of the wheel with our teenager.
• 20:50
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: We're just butting heads fighting.
• 20:53
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: And then we're like, well, you know what?
• 20:55
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: I'm gonna try a new style of parenting.
• 20:57
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: I'm gonna take everything away from you, your phone, driving privileges, everything.
• 21:04
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: And it is like that knee-jerk reaction, like, I'm starting to hurt.
• 21:08
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: And I'm like, oh, well I'm gonna, don't ever hook a tens unit.
• 21:12
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: Do just one of your butt cheeks and be like, oh, well this'll help crank your pelvis down.
• 21:18
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: I'm not saying I did that, but.
• 21:20
  cort-guest688_1_11-21-2025_120038: Right.
• 21:22
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: You could see how if somebody were to do that, it could throw them flare up.
• 21:27
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: Yeah.
• 21:28
  cort-guest688_1_11-21-2025_120038: Mm-hmm.
• 21:29
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: Anyways.
• 21:30
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: But Chad GPT was like, dude, when those pains and stiffness that you were experiencing, those were symptoms that were trying to communicate to you.
• 21:41
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: We need to address this and then.
• 21:44
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: Basically, I didn't address it.
• 21:46
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: I thought I was addressing it, but what I was doing is I was putting more stress and strain on this system that was already overworked, which put me into the flare up.
• 21:56
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: And oftentimes parents do the same thing.
• 21:58
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: They're on the bottom of the wheel.
• 21:59
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: They're like, oh, well, I'm just gonna go to the extreme and take away everything.
• 22:06
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: And then that throws you into a full blown.
• 22:10
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: Flareup.
• 22:11
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: And the cool thing about chat GPT is like, well, your body was trying to tell you something, and rather than doing all the stupid things that you did that overworked it, you could have started addressing these problems and it would've avoided the flareup.
• 22:27
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: Now.
• 22:29
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: Your body and your relationship with your teen are similar.
• 22:33
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: I guarantee you there are messages that are being sent to you that are saying, Hey, there is something here that needs to be addressed.
• 22:43
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: And how you address it is really important.
• 22:46
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: Don't put a tens unit on your butt cheek and just make that muscle work thinking it'll fix a problem That's not gonna work.
• 22:54
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: Don't go to the extreme with your teen.
• 22:58
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: And typically what I see is parents fall into one, one particular parent trap more than the others when they get into that.
• 23:09
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: And that's the controlling parent trap, and that will send you into the equivalent of a flare up
• 23:16
  cort-guest688_1_11-21-2025_120038: Mm-hmm.
• 23:17
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: teenager.
• 23:18
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: Okay, so Cortni, help us connect some more of these dots like.
• 23:24
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: Have you ever seen this in your life?
• 23:28
  cort-guest688_1_11-21-2025_120038: Yeah, I mean, I, I'm thinking about it now.
• 23:34
  cort-guest688_1_11-21-2025_120038: Yeah.
• 23:34
  cort-guest688_1_11-21-2025_120038: And I'm trying to be careful with my steps.
• 23:37
  cort-guest688_1_11-21-2025_120038: Um, but yeah, like I wanna take everything away right now, but I won't,'cause I know it's gonna create the opposite effect.
• 23:46
  cort-guest688_1_11-21-2025_120038: I'm just trying to be calm and communicate.
• 23:50
  cort-guest688_1_11-21-2025_120038: but yeah, help me help you connect the dots.
• 23:55
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: Well, no, you're great.
• 23:57
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: And I think more parents experience what you're talking about, where you're tempted to take everything away.
• 24:04
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: You're tempted to go to the extreme.
• 24:07
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: I think one of the things that we could do, like some of the warning signs with my back were like the stiffness in my low back.
• 24:16
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: The pain and even like my left knee hurting like Chad, GPT is like that injury that you told me about two weeks ago, that was another sign that your back wasn't working.
• 24:29
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: Right.
• 24:30
  cort-guest688_1_11-21-2025_120038: Mm-hmm.
• 24:31
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: would you say are some of the signs that parents could look for that are like warning posts?
• 24:39
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: Like, Hey, you're getting close to a flare up with your team.
• 24:43
  cort-guest688_1_11-21-2025_120038: Um, secluding themselves.
• 24:46
  cort-guest688_1_11-21-2025_120038: Um.
• 24:48
  cort-guest688_1_11-21-2025_120038: Speaking, um, aggressively towards you.
• 24:52
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: Yeah,
• 24:52
  cort-guest688_1_11-21-2025_120038: just ask them, what do you want for dinner?
• 24:54
  cort-guest688_1_11-21-2025_120038: I don't know.
• 24:55
  cort-guest688_1_11-21-2025_120038: Like, I don't, I mean, that's what I'm experiencing right now.
• 24:58
  cort-guest688_1_11-21-2025_120038: Just the, everything I say, there's, there's just so much attitude coming back my way.
• 25:03
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: yeah, yeah.
• 25:05
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: Really good.
• 25:06
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: And if I were to add a few warning signs, like pay attention to your internal dialogue.
• 25:14
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: If you're having one conversation, conversation with your teen out loud, and then you're having a completely negative conversation about your teen in your head, that's a good warning sign.
• 25:25
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: Like if you're trying to be polite and you're like, Hey, what do you want for dinner?
• 25:31
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: And your teen's, like, how would I know?
• 25:33
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: Like, that's your job.
• 25:34
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: You are the parent and you feed me.
• 25:37
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: And if you're like.
• 25:39
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: Intentional and being respectful on the outside, but on the inside you're like, he is such a jerk.
• 25:46
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: I can't stand that kid.
• 25:47
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: I hope he starves tonight.
• 25:49
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: Like whatever.
• 25:50
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: I pay attention to that inner dialogue.
• 25:53
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: That will be a really good, that's possibly the best indicator to let you know where you are, because we all know that your thoughts create your feelings and if that's where your thoughts are going.
• 26:06
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: And similar to my back where I have patterns that make my back work, but it's not how my back is supposed to work.
• 26:16
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: Like I gave chat GPT some history, like, Hey, I was deadlifting.
• 26:22
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: I felt like I was getting stronger.
• 26:24
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: I had a really good form and I blew my back out and I got a bulging disc and chat.
• 26:30
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: GPT is like.
• 26:32
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: If you were struggling with what you're struggling now, doesn't matter how good your form is.
• 26:38
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: Your glutes cannot fire and function the way the patterns are now, and it puts all that pressure on your back, makes perfect sense that you were hurt like it's able to see these patterns.
• 26:51
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: If you have these negative inner dialogue going on in your mind, that's going to change how you feel towards your teen and you can do the right behavior.
• 27:03
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: Man, this is exactly what it says in.
• 27:06
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: Leadership and self deception.
• 27:08
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: You can do the thing, but whether or not you're in the box will change how that thing is received.
• 27:16
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: It's the same with the self-coaching model.
• 27:19
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: How you think and how you feel will change the outcome of the exact same action.
• 27:27
  cort-guest688_1_11-21-2025_120038: Mm-hmm.
• 27:28
  cort-guest688_1_11-21-2025_120038: Yeah, in case people haven't read the book and being in the box.
• 27:31
  cort-guest688_1_11-21-2025_120038: So if you have those feelings towards your kid and how you interact with them.
• 27:37
  cort-guest688_1_11-21-2025_120038: That will come across as, as how you're feeling like you'll have that regard for them.
• 27:41
  cort-guest688_1_11-21-2025_120038: Does that make sense?
• 27:43
  cort-guest688_1_11-21-2025_120038: If you're annoyed with them, if you feel like they're just, I don't know that when you go to interact with them, you'll have that undertone in that interaction, and they'll feel that
• 27:54
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: Yeah.
• 27:54
  cort-guest688_1_11-21-2025_120038: gonna get the outcome you want.
• 27:57
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: Really good.
• 27:58
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: Cortni, one thing I forgot to tell you.
• 28:00
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: One of the people who asked about you last was like, is there any way I could work with like you and Cortni?
• 28:08
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: And I was like, why would you even wanna work with Cortni?
• 28:11
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: See,
• 28:12
  cort-guest688_1_11-21-2025_120038: Oh,
• 28:12
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: will laugh at you all the time.
• 28:15
  cort-guest688_1_11-21-2025_120038: No.
• 28:16
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: But yeah, they were like, yeah, is there any way?
• 28:19
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: So like we should discuss that in the future.
• 28:21
  cort-guest688_1_11-21-2025_120038: Okay.
• 28:23
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: But yeah, I think that is spot on.
• 28:27
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: Here's the thing, one of the biggest mistakes that I see happening when it comes to parenting, I see it a lot in the school that I'm working with right now.
• 28:41
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: There are these dysfunctional patterns.
• 28:45
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: Similar to my back pain, like I have this dysfunctional pattern, and what we try to do to correct the problem is address.
• 28:57
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: Something else, something easier.
• 29:00
  cort-guest688_1_11-21-2025_120038: Mm-hmm.
• 29:00
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: Chad, GPT explained this to me.
• 29:02
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: It's like, Ben, some of your problems aren't necessarily like muscular problems.
• 29:10
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: Like part of my problem, I am really strong and I've overworked some of these muscles, and it's like, it isn't, you can't just go work out one of these visible muscles that you're like, oh, I know how to work that.
• 29:23
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: Like, I'll just do this exercise.
• 29:25
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: There's.
• 29:27
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: Muscles, and maybe it isn't the muscle, maybe it's when that muscle fires, like you have it firing a c, B and it needs to fire A, B, C, and I was like, dang, this is all making so much sense.
• 29:41
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: Like oftentimes with parenting and in schools, we want to focus on the obvious external problem.
• 29:49
  cort-guest688_1_11-21-2025_120038: Mm-hmm.
• 29:50
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: my kid's talking back, he's the problem.
• 29:53
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: But often, 99% of the time, there are internal factors within yourself, which this is the best news ever.
• 30:03
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: You can control you a whole heck of a lot more than you can control your team.
• 30:08
  cort-guest688_1_11-21-2025_120038: Mm-hmm.
• 30:09
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: And you have the power to start addressing these patterns.
• 30:13
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: And the thing is, and this is where I feel like most parents have a really hard time, and I'm part of it, like right now in my workouts for my back, the hardest thing is not letting the old programming just take over.
• 30:31
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: Some of my workouts, they're like, put this leg forward, put this leg back, hold onto a chair for support.
• 30:37
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: I'm like, I'm not 90 years old.
• 30:39
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: I don't need a chair for support.
• 30:41
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: And I just did the workout.
• 30:43
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: And Chad, GPT is like, this is the funny part too.
• 30:47
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: This is like one of the ones where it probably struggle.
• 30:50
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: It's like, wow, Ben, really good job.
• 30:54
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: Except you didn't do anything right.
• 30:56
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: You're not using the freaking chair.
• 30:57
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: You're not, it's like.
• 31:00
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: Your old programming just took over.
• 31:03
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: It's like, oh, I can do that.
• 31:04
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: I've done it a million times.
• 31:06
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: Yeah, but I've done it a million times wrong, and this is one of the hardest parts in parenting.
• 31:13
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: We've done it a million times and we've done it a million times in a way that doesn't really benefit us, but because that's the programmed nature, the programmed way of handling it.
• 31:26
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: Now as a parent, you have to do the hard work.
• 31:29
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: I, I looked like a freaking toddler.
• 31:32
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: Like my wife is like, you're still not doing it right?
• 31:34
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: And I'm like, but I'm trying.
• 31:37
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: And I would feel the muscle, like, be like, oh, this is what you want me to do.
• 31:40
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: And I'd be like, oh, I did it.
• 31:41
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: And then I'd try and do it again.
• 31:43
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: And the old pattern would just come and take over.
• 31:45
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: This is a hard work as parents where we can be aware of the old programming, catch it in, start new programming.
• 31:55
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: The truth is like if you have a thousand reps with the old programming, you are probably going to have to catch the old programming a thousand times, insert the new programming a thousand times and get a thousand reps so it becomes natural.
• 32:16
  cort-guest688_1_11-21-2025_120038: Mm-hmm.
• 32:17
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: But that's okay.
• 32:18
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: That's the process of reprogramming your parenting, and it's easier if you start now than if you wait.
• 32:25
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: For another thousand reps to go by before you start,
• 32:30
  cort-guest688_1_11-21-2025_120038: Yeah, that's great.
• 32:32
  cort-guest688_1_11-21-2025_120038: Thanks for the coaching call.
• 32:35
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: this is why you're my office client.
• 32:38
  cort-guest688_1_11-21-2025_120038: No, like, so my son has been just really crabby lately and I realized like, I don't like.
• 32:47
  cort-guest688_1_11-21-2025_120038: I need him to be more present, but I don't force him to come do these things'cause I know he doesn't want to.
• 32:52
  cort-guest688_1_11-21-2025_120038: Or at least he pretends he doesn't want to.
• 32:54
  cort-guest688_1_11-21-2025_120038: Um, so we were on our way to a volleyball tournament last weekend and I was like, why are you so crabby?
• 32:58
  cort-guest688_1_11-21-2025_120038: Like, I didn't wanna just be like, gosh, stop being a jerk.
• 33:01
  cort-guest688_1_11-21-2025_120038: I was like, why are you so crabby?
• 33:02
  cort-guest688_1_11-21-2025_120038: I was like, do you just need more love?
• 33:04
  cort-guest688_1_11-21-2025_120038: Like, you just need my love.
• 33:05
  cort-guest688_1_11-21-2025_120038: Right?
• 33:06
  cort-guest688_1_11-21-2025_120038: And I tried to reach over and put my hand on him and he's like, no.
• 33:09
  cort-guest688_1_11-21-2025_120038: But he kind of smiled and I was like, oh, I think you do.
• 33:12
  cort-guest688_1_11-21-2025_120038: I know it sounds like I'm talking to a toddler, but he just.
• 33:16
  cort-guest688_1_11-21-2025_120038: I realize, like I don't give him a hug and a kiss on the forehead at night like I used to all the time, just because sometimes he acts like he doesn't want it, but I, I almost wonder if he's feeling like, you know, I don't, I'm not making an effort or I don't wanna be around him.
• 33:32
  cort-guest688_1_11-21-2025_120038: Or maybe he does want that connection, but just doesn't ask for it.
• 33:37
  cort-guest688_1_11-21-2025_120038: So I'm trying to go back to that to help with the meany attitude.
• 33:42
  cort-guest688_1_11-21-2025_120038: see.
• 33:43
  cort-guest688_1_11-21-2025_120038: Sometimes he's welcome welcomes it and sometimes he does not.
• 33:46
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: Yeah, which is like, that is a perfect example because I feel like most parents are like, but I have this relationship that I want with my teen.
• 33:59
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: And your teen is acting, acting like a freaking porcupine right now.
• 34:02
  cort-guest688_1_11-21-2025_120038: Oh boy.
• 34:02
  cort-guest688_1_11-21-2025_120038: Yeah.
• 34:03
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: Now.
• 34:04
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: Your job is, oh, now that I'm the parent of the porcupine, who do I wanna be in that?
• 34:11
  cort-guest688_1_11-21-2025_120038: Mm-hmm.
• 34:11
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: that's perfect.
• 34:13
  cort-guest688_1_11-21-2025_120038: Yeah, that, yeah.
• 34:15
  cort-guest688_1_11-21-2025_120038: I'm trying to continue to be the parent that I want to be despite how he is choosing to behave or receive hugs.
• 34:25
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: Yeah.
• 34:25
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: I love it.
• 34:26
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: That is perfect.
• 34:28
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: Well, Cortni, I'm super glad that we could come together and bring value through your Porcupine child and my recent back flare up because I feel like this is pretty solid episode.
• 34:45
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: So here's what I wanna leave everyone with.
• 34:50
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: Identify some old program.
• 34:53
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: That is running in the background.
• 34:55
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: And that kind of determines how you show up as a parent.
• 34:59
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: And it can be just one little thing like, man, when I try and talk to my son and he's crappy, who do I want to be?
• 35:07
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: What is my old programming?
• 35:09
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: Start there first.
• 35:10
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: Like, man, when he's crappy, I get crappy.
• 35:13
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: Like he snaps at me, I snap back.
• 35:15
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: That is an old program.
• 35:17
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: I want to rewrite and go ahead.
• 35:21
  cort-guest688_1_11-21-2025_120038: go ahead.
• 35:22
  cort-guest688_1_11-21-2025_120038: I was gonna say, and also when you have that mindset where you're upset with your teen or whatever, if that's how you feel, that's what you're gonna see.
• 35:30
  cort-guest688_1_11-21-2025_120038: So even if your teen behaves what you would normally think was acceptable, or you know they're not being crabby, you're already gonna be expecting that from them.
• 35:40
  cort-guest688_1_11-21-2025_120038: And so that's what you're gonna see.
• 35:41
  cort-guest688_1_11-21-2025_120038: I feel like what you look for is what you find.
• 35:45
  cort-guest688_1_11-21-2025_120038: So if you can keep your thoughts not negative about your teenager.
• 35:49
  cort-guest688_1_11-21-2025_120038: Then maybe the things that they do and say will come across just as they are and not as you would perceive them otherwise.
• 35:56
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: Yeah, and that's the place to focus your thoughts,
• 36:01
  cort-guest688_1_11-21-2025_120038: Yeah.
• 36:02
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: your thoughts,
• 36:03
  cort-guest688_1_11-21-2025_120038: Mm-hmm.
• 36:04
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: and this is where I feel like me and most coaching.
• 36:10
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: Go in separate directions.
• 36:12
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: Like I feel like most coaching and even therapy to some extent is like, oh, let's focus on the specific.
• 36:19
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: What are you thinking?
• 36:21
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: And based on what you're thinking, how's that making you feel?
• 36:24
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: And it's just slow.
• 36:25
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: Like we have 60 to 90,000 thoughts every day.
• 36:29
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: And if you're gonna process every single one of them, that's gonna take you.
• 36:34
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: A million years.
• 36:36
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: But if you can start looking at the larger patterns, like, oh, rather than being so concerned about, what am I thinking?
• 36:45
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: I wanna be more concerned about how am I thinking?
• 36:48
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: Because now I can address swaths.
• 36:52
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: I don't even know if that's a word.
• 36:54
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: It's hard to say a little bit, but I can address large quantities of thoughts at once because I'm like, oh, this type of thinking.
• 37:03
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: I know what type of emotional response it gives me, and I just address how I'm thinking rather than every single little, well, what am I thinking?
• 37:14
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: What am I thinking?
• 37:15
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: It'll take too long.
• 37:16
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: So, okay.
• 37:18
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: Well, Cortni, are you done laughing at me so we can let these good people go know?
• 37:22
  cort-guest688_1_11-21-2025_120038: No, but we can let them go.
• 37:24
  cort-guest688_1_11-21-2025_120038: And then I will tell you my thoughts.
• 37:28
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: But now everybody wants to hear your thoughts.
• 37:31
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: Are they appropriate?
• 37:32
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: Because this podcast is rated G.
• 37:35
  cort-guest688_1_11-21-2025_120038: I ever inappropriate?
• 37:39
  cort-guest688_1_11-21-2025_120038: Um, I do wanna say really quick, um, we talked about the Anatomy of peace and I still think leadership and self deception, it's a quicker book and I think it helps you get the point faster.
• 37:49
  cort-guest688_1_11-21-2025_120038: But anatomy of peace is amazing.
• 37:53
  cort-guest688_1_11-21-2025_120038: Like it is definitely much slower.
• 37:56
  cort-guest688_1_11-21-2025_120038: Um, but like I've teared up a couple times because it is so true.
• 38:01
  cort-guest688_1_11-21-2025_120038: Like when they're in, when teaching.
• 38:05
  cort-guest688_1_11-21-2025_120038: Is it Lou?
• 38:06
  cort-guest688_1_11-21-2025_120038: Yeah, Lou.
• 38:09
  cort-guest688_1_11-21-2025_120038: yeah, it just, it made me tear up just
• 38:11
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: I feel,
• 38:11
  cort-guest688_1_11-21-2025_120038: the parents show up and how their children interpret it and feel and yeah, it's amazing.
• 38:17
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: I feel like Lou's transformation in the Anatomy of Peace is more dramatic than what's his bucket's?
• 38:25
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: Transformation in leadership and self-deception.
• 38:29
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: I resonated with Lou's transformation quite a bit because like his counterpoints make perfect sense.
• 38:37
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: So like, like when parents are like, so you're telling me I'm the problem?
• 38:40
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: And it's like, not necessarily, I'm just telling you that your teen has a problem.
• 38:45
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: You have a problem, you're focused on your teen's problem.
• 38:48
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: Let's move.
• 38:48
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: Like I felt like.
• 38:51
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: They did a really good job, but I think I'm with you.
• 38:54
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: Leadership and self.
• 38:54
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: I'll probably read both of them now.
• 38:56
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: Every year my book list is getting longer and longer and longer, but like leadership and self-deception, I have read that at least once a year, every year, probably for the last six, seven.
• 39:13
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: Do you do kids?
• 39:14
  cort-guest688_1_11-21-2025_120038: my.
• 39:15
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: Yeah, exactly.
• 39:17
  cort-guest688_1_11-21-2025_120038: of course.
• 39:18
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: But the Anatomy of Peace will now be on my list.
• 39:23
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: A Christmas Carol.
• 39:24
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: Oh man, I get to read that soon.
• 39:26
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: That's always my list.
• 39:28
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: So,
• 39:30
  cort-guest688_1_11-21-2025_120038: But yeah, so I recommend both books if you don't want leadership and self deception, anatomy of peace.
• 39:37
  cort-guest688_1_11-21-2025_120038: But leadership and self deception I think is
• 39:39
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: yeah.
• 39:39
  cort-guest688_1_11-21-2025_120038: starting point to get to grasp what being in the box means.
• 39:45
  cort-guest688_1_11-21-2025_120038: I, yeah.
• 39:45
  cort-guest688_1_11-21-2025_120038: Yeah.
• 39:47
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: Okay.
• 39:48
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: Really good.
• 39:49
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: Well, Cortni, for me and all the listeners of this podcast, all four of us, just joking, thank you for coming back.
• 40:00
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: I enjoy having you here.
• 40:02
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: Thank you for being
• 40:03
  cort-guest688_1_11-21-2025_120038: me.
• 40:03
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: Yeah.
• 40:04
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: Thank you for being my youngest sister.
• 40:06
  cort-guest688_1_11-21-2025_120038: Yeah, of course.
• 40:08
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: Do you know that I actually have a sister?
• 40:10
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: Oh geez.
• 40:11
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: I'm turning 44.
• 40:13
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: Guess how old my youngest birth brother is?
• 40:18
  cort-guest688_1_11-21-2025_120038: Um, 36,
• 40:21
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: 24.
• 40:24
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: Yep.
• 40:25
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: Okay.
• 40:25
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: Now
• 40:26
  cort-guest688_1_11-21-2025_120038: mother.
• 40:27
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: guess how old my youngest sibling is?
• 40:32
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: This one's adopted.
• 40:34
  cort-guest688_1_11-21-2025_120038: Six, 16.
• 40:36
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: 14.
• 40:38
  cort-guest688_1_11-21-2025_120038: Oh my,
• 40:40
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: Yeah.
• 40:40
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: And when my mom was like, Ben, you, you guys need to have more kids.
• 40:44
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: Your kids are so graduate.
• 40:45
  cort-guest688_1_11-21-2025_120038: her heart.
• 40:47
  cort-guest688_1_11-21-2025_120038: Mm-hmm.
• 40:47
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: Four kids.
• 40:49
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: That's all the kids I wanna screw up for life.
• 40:52
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: Like I'll just take them.
• 40:55
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: Well we did foster care too, so, and I coach football.
• 40:58
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: I'm probably like messing up tons of kids.
• 41:01
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: But, uh, I ran into one of my football players.
• 41:04
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: Ah.
• 41:04
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: It's always fun after the season is over because you're ready for the season to be over.
• 41:10
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: Like the season gets long towards the end.
• 41:12
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: It's really hard to be a really good championship caliber team because you gotta keep the whole team engaged and all the coaches and it's just really hard.
• 41:23
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: And we are not there as a team.
• 41:25
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: So we get to the end of the season and it's almost like.
• 41:29
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: 70% of the players have this big sigh of relief, like, oh, okay, that's finally over.
• 41:34
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: But it's been a few weeks.
• 41:36
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: We had our award banquet.
• 41:39
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: That was a lot of fun.
• 41:40
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: And then I run into a kid at the grocery store, one of my little freshman, he's like, coach ue.
• 41:46
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: And I'm like, oh, hey, what's up?
• 41:47
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: He comes over to me and he is like, I miss you.
• 41:51
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: I miss hanging out with you every day.
• 41:55
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: I didn't have the heart.
• 41:57
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: To tell'em the truth.
• 41:59
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: So I just lied to him and I'm like, yeah, I miss you too.
• 42:01
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: But no, just, but yeah, that it was fun.
• 42:07
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: So anyways,
• 42:08
  cort-guest688_1_11-21-2025_120038: I'm sure you are that coach for a lot of kids.
• 42:11
  cort-guest688_1_11-21-2025_120038: I'm sure you are.
• 42:12
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: and looking back, I had coaches like that in my life.
• 42:17
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: It, it's just fun to be in that position
• 42:22
  cort-guest688_1_11-21-2025_120038: Mm-hmm.
• 42:23
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: Be intentional about it.
• 42:24
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: Like, this is who I want, this is who I am.
• 42:28
  cort-guest688_1_11-21-2025_120038: Mm-hmm.
• 42:28
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: very intentional about, actually, I lucked into that programming and then over the years I've been able to fine tune it and tweak it.
• 42:36
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: So programming guys, it all comes down to programming.
• 42:40
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: If you want a better life, change your freaking programming.
• 42:43
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: If you want a better relationship with your teen, change your programming.
• 42:47
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: If you want your back to hurt less.
• 42:49
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: Change your program.
• 42:50
  cort-guest688_1_11-21-2025_120038: programming.
• 42:51
  cort-guest688_1_11-21-2025_120038: Yeah.
• 42:53
  ben_8_11-21-2025_110038: All right guys, we will see you next week,
• 42:57
  cort-guest688_1_11-21-2025_120038: Okay.