Latest / Iridescent: The Grief Podcast / The problem with "time heals all wounds" in grief
Transcript
- Courtney: One of the biggest lies people tell grieving pet parents is time heals all wounds. Don't even get me started on how problematic that saying is. I have talked at nauseam at this point on how hurtful that can be, how toxic positivity doesn't have any space in grief, and how that can really just disempower someone who is feeling something so real and so raw and just so destabilizing and to hear something like time heals all wounds, Time doesn't heal anything. It's what you do with that time that matters. Do you see how much of a difference there is there? It's not just letting time flow and just saying, yep, time's gonna heal this, this is gonna be great. It's actually doing something. And that's not to say that distance in time doesn't bring a little bit more ease. And let me clarify that the distance between myself now. And that version of me who was screaming and crying and sobbing, I have so much compassion for that version of me. And I'm so proud of how much I have healed in that time. But it wasn't just something that passively happened. I'm allowed to be proud of myself for the work that I've done and how I've moved. through life and navigated that loss. But it wasn't just time didn't heal me. I healed me. My community healed me. My mother, my wife, my other animals in this household, my community, my mentor, my friends. It's just, it's so much bigger than just time. it's not something that's just happening in the background. You're like, well, now it's been a year, so I must be healed. First off. It's not how it works. And I'm hoping that this will help you navigate that weird saying that people just I feel like it's just a pleasantry that a lot of folks just say because they don't know how else to really convey it. And they might not even really gone into the grieving process themselves. They just know, hey, I don't cry anymore. So I'm healed. And they really haven't started to dig into how they're grieving, how they're not grieving with intention, and how they're kind of just bypassing that part of life for the sake of other people's comfortability and for their own comfort. Grieving sucks. no one wants to do it. but I can tell you that it has made my life richer in a weird way. I know exactly what I can and cannot stand up for. I have way less of a bullshit tolerance. I actually mean it when I ask people how they're doing. I'm able to really connect with folks in a realm where otherwise they don't feel like they get to connect. How beautiful is that? And I wanna first talk about the why the time hurts so bad. When we're talking about losing our routines, when we're talking about roll loss, it it's something that's so complex. And it's something that's not talked about, which is a little bit irritating. Because I know at least for me, and I'll tell you a little bit about my story and how my own home, usually, when you're grieving other people. And this is beyond a spouse or someone that you're caretaking inside of your home. But let's say someone's in hospice and you get to come home. And I'm not saying it's great. I'm not saying it's like your home and like, wow, everything's better, but it's a little bit of a pr reprieve. We get to exit the situation. We get to create a little bit of space. And this is not to say that one grief is better than the other or easier. It's not the grief Olympics. But there's just different, different scenarios, different settings, different the set is different. And that's kind of what we're talking about here. Is when you lose an animal companion. I know for me, our kitchen is connected to our front door, which someone who does feng shui, tell me what that's about. but or maybe I'm saying too much. But when you walk into our home, It's in the kitchen. And Armin, my soul cat, loved to be in the kitchen. He was a hungry bumpkin his whole life. Was not enough food for this cat. So he was always in the kitchen. He'd be sitting, we have like a bar in our kitchen. He'd either be sitting on the bar or in a chair or meandering in the kitchen waiting for a crunchy snack. And that's where he was, was in the kitchen. So when I would come home from anything, from being out from grocery shopping, from actually seeing a friend and like getting a reprieve, I'd come in and be instantly reminded that he is not there. And then when I would be making my own food, which was hard enough, being absolutely heartbroken, or the other animals' food. I was reminded of him. It was this constant reminder that he wasn't there. I know for the longest time, even just feeding the dogs in the house was tough because I wasn't getting his food together. And we lost my wife's dog within like a month. So we went from like four bowls to two and it was just like it was a lot for me. It was just something that I didn't expect that to be so hard. And I couldn't even move his bowl. I it has been over a year. I just moved his bowl, y'all. It's part of like his altar, and his altar was in the kitchen. And I just moved it. healing isn't linear, grief isn't linear. Don't feel like you have to put yourself on the timeline. And then let's talk about something else, which for me was going to bed. Armin loved to be carried to bed every night and he would he just like to be carried and he liked it to be special. So he'd wait in our hallway and scream for you to come get him. And then he would like kind of scurry when you finally got him and he'd be like, Okay, pick me up. and then you'd pick him up and put him into bed. He loved it. And then he'd stay there the whole night and then sometimes leave and come back, but he just wanted to like feel special. So getting him to bed was something I like to do. We made it like a fun little routine in our house. So when that wasn't there, when you're grieving, obviously, you're not resting like you should. And then to like not I didn't realize this until months later, but I was like procrastinating bed. I I was falling asleep on the couch a lot. I was playing Animal Crossing, was reading on the couch. I just like would find things to do or be on my computer until like three or four in the morning. which isn't good. And I don't recommend that. But I didn't realize I was procrastinating it until one day when I was like, I don't want to go to bed. And it I don't know why. It was like the most obvious answer, but I just didn't wanna be there without him. And I was the kind of person in my grief where I'd wake up and cry immediately. And then I'd be crying myself to sleep every night because he wasn't there. So all of this to say is that routine, that ritual is so messed up after you lose them. Somewhere that should be like your sanctuary is set up with booby traps everywhere. And you're just waiting for the breakdown to happen. And it kind of just hits you by surprise and it just jumps out of nowhere. And it's it's tough. It's tough on your nervous system to be like shocked and in horror and to be like reliving this nightmare all the time. So I just want to name that is when you're in pet loss, it's not talked about enough, is how your home feels. For me, my home did not feel like a home for a hot minute. I would come in and lose it every single time, multiple times a day. Which is just, it's tough. So That part of your your home losing its its comfort. And then again with the role loss, you're navigating, you know, if your animal companion is the only animal in that house, then you're not a pet parent anymore is what it feels like. What you tell yourself. I know for me, I identified for 15 years as a cat mom, and then I was like, wait a minute, what? And that's something I am still a cat mom. I will always be that, but I take care of cats in other ways now. And it's something that it will forever be a part of me. So the role loss and the the comfort loss in our own homes is just something that is so activating. So just to name that, that's a lot of why. The why behind why this hurts so bad. And there are ways to make it. I don't want to say back to normal because it's never going to be back to normal, but there are ways to bring those comforts back to you in a way that you can control, in a way that gives you autonomy over your body and doesn't make it feel like you're being whipped around in these like lashings of grief. And the first one is is creating ritual. And this can be if you need to change the word from ritual to routine to habit. As long as it's something that you really resonate with. For me, it's a ritual. Instead of just having my coffee as like a passive thing, I would take the spoon and I would turn it clockwise, counterclockwise, sorry, I would turn it counterclockwise in my cup and say everything I was letting go of. Some days I couldn't even handle caffeine. I have a whole spell on my website of A spell to tell yourself while you're grieving. I chose certain herbs. I sat down with those herbs in this cup, and I would journal to my cat, which we'll get into journaling and scheduling grief in a minute. But I was able to have those herbs and have that cup of tea and speak words of intention into this tea and then drink it. It's freaking powerful, y'all. And it's it's something that is nourishing to the body, mind, and soul. And it brings you back into your body when everything is so fractured. I mean your body, your mind, everything is it feels like it's on fire and numb all at the same time and just truly fractured. So to give yourself these little moments of not just and peace isn't the goal. Healing isn't the goal. Autonomy is the goal. Comfort is the goal. And just a space of regulation. And to keep in mind too, regulation can be breaking down. Regulation isn't this baseline of everything's great, everything's happy. Regulation is the ups and the downs. It's just making sure those ups and downs aren't something that are disorienting or destabilizing to your core. You're allowed to break down. And we'll get there in a minute. But create rituals within your day. If you're noticing that, hey, I wake up, I wake up and I am losing it. That's where I created my tea spell is to be able to speak these words of intention over my tea because I just needed something to to freaking ground me. And you can have a ritual of let's say you used to go on a walk with them. Still go on that walk. And go to you know that sit spot you used to play with them and play ball with them outside. Go there. But maybe now you're just journaling or you're meditating and just looking out into the distance. And yes, it is going to hurt. But I promise you, it stings less and less. And that's not to say that sometimes it doesn't go back to square one of just absolutely killing you. But You're learning how to be in control of the situation, how to give yourself time to grieve, and giving yourself these sacred moments in the day of either having tea, having coffee, making a ritual of journaling to yourself, or looking in the mirror and saying something about yourself. Don't and if you want to make it really complicated, go for it. Do that. I love that for you. But if you need it to be something bare bones, y'all, there is something so powerful about stirring your tea. You do it clockwise to call things in, counterclockwise to release them. That can be the ritual. That can be that could be it. And then watch, you're gonna look forward to that every day and be like, okay, I really like this. And when we're talking about ritual two, I wanna talk about. Something that is like so pivotal in my own journey, and I've seen what it's done for clients too, is scheduling daily unhappy time and journaling to your animal who has passed on. And listen, I know it sounds counterintuitive. It's a trust the process moment and and give it a week. All I'm asking for is maybe 10 minutes, once a day, seven days. If it's not better after that, cool, you gave it a try. You don't have to push it. But in scheduling time to grieve, you're like I said, with that regulation piece, you're letting yourself let it out, cry. Get really gross about crying. I love to always tell folks like. Give me Kim Kardashian crying. Like that that meme of like ugly face crying, of just really being raw and letting it out. I have a special journal that I use. I journaled to him every day. I would have a picture of him. I would have my tea. And I would journal him every single day. And I tell you what, by day, I'd probably say three or four. I kind of started to look forward to it. It was every day at 10 a.m. I'd come in my office and have myself a really good cry. And even if I had other stuff to do in the morning, I'd go, okay, I'm not allowed to cry yet. Let's wait until 10. Let's wait until 10 and I can really let it go. And I tell you what, it also starts bubbling up throughout the day that it stops. Because when we start to feel that happen, it's kind of that grief has nowhere to go. So it's when we're talking to folks and we just kind of lose it, and yes, that still happens, but the rate at which it's happening is so much lower. So it it kind of takes that threshold. And instead of being like a dam that has been totally, you know, over its boundaries and just open and free flowing, it gives a little bit of structure. And you go, Okay, at 10 a.m. I'm going to journal and cry and really get it all out and then maybe again at 6 p.m. I'm gonna do a quick little check-in journal or even light a candle next to their picture and just spend some time with them and really cry. If you're really turned off by journaling, that second option is great. A picture, a candle, and you just sit in their presence. And you can use a birthday candle. I have prayer candles that I've gotten. I got them, where did I get them? They're from a church, I think. And they're just beeswax prayer candles. They last for about 25-30 minutes. I love them. What I'm saying is it doesn't need to be so cut and dry. If you have birthday candles that need to be used up, burn the bottom of a birthday candle, it sticks right on a plate. And you just have a picture of them and light that candle and you cry until that candle's done. It doesn't need to be complicated. You don't need to overcomplicate your grief journey. It doesn't need to look like mine or someone else's or your mother's or your friends. It is yours. So having that daily unhappy time, once a day, twice a day, three times a day, figure out what works for you. If it's sitting with a birthday candle, great. If it's journaling to them and just getting it out, also great. But it it gives you some control back in that breakdown, in letting yourself regulate. Remember, regulation isn't just being happy, baseline, everything's cool and fine. Regulation is experiencing those lows and those highs and finding a new normal, getting back to the baseline eventually. It doesn't happen overnight. This isn't something that's gonna help in a week. This is a practice that I still do a year later when I feel myself really going through it. I journal. That's just how I've always been. I've been a journal girl my whole life. But I've really seen this with clients when they need, they need somewhere to go with that energy, when they feel like they're restless, when they feel like they're that what do I do now? Question. What do I do now? This is a great place to start. Give yourself somewhere to grieve. Let it be somewhere that's a safe container and you're not accidentally. you know, having this moment with a stranger when they ask how you are and you're sobbing to them and you walk away embarrassed. That's not to say what happened was wrong. It's the embarrassment piece that we're trying to take out. if you they ask how you're doing and you're able to say with confidence and to say with clarity, I haven't been great. I've been struggling. And you can say it with tears in your eyes and you walk away from that experience going, okay. I felt it, but I didn't totally break down. And again, there's nothing wrong with that. But it just when that happens, when it's not expected, we give ourselves a lot of guilt and shame, which is for another conversation. But this helps that not bubble up so much. And then the last thing is going to be movement and assimilation. I don't want you to hear movement and think I should go work out as hard as I can. I need to go on a run. I need to hire a trainer. Ur pump the brakes. Let's talk about that for a second. When I'm talking about movement, it can be a walk around the block. It can be something super stretchy, yoga. adjacent. This can be getting on the mat and just wiggling around for 20 minutes. Hell, make it 10. Make it 10 minutes that you're just wiggling around the mat, you're doing some cacaos, you're just stretching a little bit. How incredible. I've seen this with in my practice is when we're struck with sudden grief. And this can be, I just mean sudden as in grief is sudden. Even when we have time to prepare, it feels really jarring. And we start to see this kind of calcification around the heart. I see folks with a hard heart. I've seen folks that have this coldness in the chest. In the upper back, so you start to hunch a little bit. I've also seen it in the hips where you're just in pain. You have sciatic pain. It's uncomfortable to sit, uncomfortable to stand. It's because this grief is finding somewhere to live and it has nowhere to go. It doesn't have any movement to kind of get itself loose and then leave. So when we're using movement as a tool. To help us process, I want you to think about how that relates to you. Truly, give yourself a minute right now and really think about it. Is it a walk around a lake with a friend? Or maybe by yourself? Is it signing up for a yin yoga class? Something really slow and restorative? Is it just spending ten minutes stretching after you get out of bed? Or maybe it's taking a really hot bath because you're just not able to move. And starting there. Start at hot bath. You're giving yourself a good sweat. Sweat is movement. Do you see what I mean? This varies. There's a range. There's a spectrum. Get curious about what that spectrum looks like for you. And just integrate it. Let it let the grief guide you into how it wants to be assimilated. But also get curious about what your body might need. If you're feeling really stiff, it needs to move a little bit. And I'm not saying to push yourself, but when we start to get depressed, when we start to have a lot of anxiety, when we feel worthless, stressed, a lot of us will go to this kind of retreat mode. This is about moving with that Take what works and leave the rest. If all you have time for and all you have the energy for is a bath, and I understand that that might even be a big ask. It can even be doing chair yoga if you're not able to get on the ground. There are options for that. There's modifications for all of this. So when I say movement, I mean helping your body unstick that stuck energy. But meet yourself where you're at. See where you can kind of get curious about finding new ritual, routines, habits, whatever you want call them, scheduling daily unhappy time. And then find ways to assimilate this grief through movement. This is kind of a little three-part formula into what to do with that time. It's not time that's healing. This is you that's healing you. You are a part of this. It is only being healed as much as you want to put into it. If you want to make this something that you're prioritizing, you will get the benefits and you will be able to see things differently. Yes, that part does take time, but time isn't healing. You are doing that. You are. are the active catalyst. You are taking part in your own story, in your journey. It is not happening to you. You are moving through it. You are getting to know grief. And not that we're lucky to do so. But it happens when we love. And that's okay. So it's not a time heals all wounds thing. It's I am capable of healing my own grief with what I do with this time. So I hope this helps. I hope this gives you more power to to take charge of a little part of your day and not feel so swept up with these emotions by morning. Morning is. Gosh, it feels like a full-time job on top of everything else. So if there's little things, I like to remind folks: if we're even three to five percent better than yesterday, that's gonna have a huge cumulative effect. Huge. But it's giving yourself the time and grace to go, okay, it's 1% today, 2% today, 1%, 3%, 1%, 2%. By the end of the week, we're looking at 10% better. And that's a huge increase. Huge. So don't discount the little steps because they add up to a huge cumulative effect. So remember that you are capable of healing you. It's not time. It's not somebody else. It's you putting in that work. And you're capable of it. And even if you backtrack some days, it's okay. It's not perfect. And it's not linear. If there was something that was pivotal in your own grief journey, let me know. Message me on Instagram. I would love to hear a huge component of this for you. I want to hear about your story and your own grief formula because a lot of times it's so different for everybody. But there's there's little tips and tricks that we pick up along the way. And the more we share those, the more accessible they are for everyone. So remember. It's what you do with this time that matters. You're capable, you're competent, and you're able to do this. So let me know if you need some one-on-one help. If you feel like you don't know the way forward, I have one-on-one readings available. And I also do one-on-one herbal consultations too, which I love to pair with grief because it really helps us. Unstick those emotions that are stuck in the body, like I was talking about, and helps us expand our mind too. I have a lot of content on my page about herbs for grief, the ones that I work with within my practice and that I recommend to clients to learn about. It's all about learning different allies through this process. So I hope that you have a gorgeous day and I'll talk to you next time. Take care. Bye.