Latest / LAUNCH: Parenting Tips for Raising Adult Children & Building Better Relationships / #45: How Our Mothers Influence Our Self and How We Parent | Healing the Mother Wound

Transcript

#45: How Our Mothers Influence Our Self and How We Parent | Healing the Mother Wound · LAUNCH: Parenting Tips for Raising Adult Children & Building Better Relationships

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_02: If you're a parent of an adult child, worried and frustrated because they are struggling to become independent, responsible, and find purpose in their life, or you want to know what to do to prevent it, you're in the right place.
• 0:13
  SPEAKER_02: This is Launch, a podcast that helps you guide your adult child to launch confidently into adulthood.
• 0:20
  SPEAKER_02: I'm Sherry Jones, author, educator, and co-parent to consultant, taking a deep dive into the ongoing challenges that you're faced with as you watch your adult child struggle.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_02: Each episode will deliver actionable steps and strategies that you can take to help your young adult become confident, motivated, and self-sufficient.
• 0:39
  SPEAKER_02: Parents, if you want your adult child to achieve a life of independence, thrive in this world, and reach their full potential, then listen in to launch.
• 0:48
  SPEAKER_02: I'm Sherry Jonas, and this is Launch.
• 0:52
  SPEAKER_02: In today's episode, I'm joined by my guest, Nicole Weston, a mom of two, a transformational life coach, and the creator of the Divine Leadership Framework.
• 1:04
  SPEAKER_02: Nicole's work focuses on the mother wound and the pain we carry from that most impressionable relationship.
• 1:11
  SPEAKER_02: Our connection with our mothers shapes our identity.
• 1:15
  SPEAKER_02: It influences our self-confidence, and it impacts the way we show up as parents.
• 1:20
  SPEAKER_02: In this conversation, Nicole and I talk about our own relationships with our late moms and the unexpected ways that loss showed up in our lives.
• 1:29
  SPEAKER_02: She also reveals the signs of carrying a mother wound and how we begin the healing process so we can break old patterns rather than bringing them forward.
• 1:40
  SPEAKER_02: This episode is for anyone who has or had a mom and wants to become a better parent in spite of that relationship.
• 1:49
  SPEAKER_02: Please remember to hit the follow button so you never miss an episode.
• 1:53
  SPEAKER_02: Let's get started.
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_02: Nicole.
• 1:58
  SPEAKER_02: Thank you so much for being here today.
• 2:00
  SPEAKER_00: So excited to be here with you today.
• 2:03
  SPEAKER_02: I have been looking forward to this conversation because our first one was so good that I couldn't wait to like bring you back and you know, have the listener really get to enjoy what you have to say.
• 2:17
  SPEAKER_02: But this time we're not gonna cry.
• 2:19
  SPEAKER_00: Well, I can't promise I won't cry.
• 2:23
  SPEAKER_02: Well, if the topic is mother wound, right?
• 2:27
  SPEAKER_02: So we've both lost our mothers and um they weren't perfect.
• 2:32
  SPEAKER_02: So we want to preface that.
• 2:34
  SPEAKER_02: That you know, don't expect us to be talking about how wonderful our mother were our mothers were.
• 2:40
  SPEAKER_02: But there's so much that we have learned from them, and that's what I think I want our listener to really walk away with is that our mothers, we said they brought us into the world and maybe they didn't do right by everyone or by all by their children because they didn't know any better.
• 2:59
  SPEAKER_02: Uh and if there's wounds, that is our job to heal.
• 3:06
  SPEAKER_02: Um yeah, so I do believe that many parents are aware of their childhood wounds, but they do not know how to work through them.
• 3:16
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 3:17
  SPEAKER_02: So that's why I love your work.
• 3:19
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, thank you.
• 3:21
  SPEAKER_02: So before we dive in too deep, I want to know how you became interested in this, this part of this coaching that you that you do.
• 3:30
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, thank you.
• 3:31
  SPEAKER_00: I um it was it was 2012 and I had been in a major car accident.
• 3:37
  SPEAKER_00: I was on the couch for about four weeks.
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_00: And it was in those moments that I realized, oh my gosh, like this is the worst thing that's really ever happened to me.
• 3:47
  SPEAKER_00: And my parents were not changing their mode.
• 3:51
  SPEAKER_00: Like it was, you know, they had their habits, they're doing their thing.
• 3:54
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, no one's coming to rescue me.
• 3:56
  SPEAKER_00: Why isn't anyone coming to help me?
• 3:58
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and I ended up just having to move homes.
• 4:02
  SPEAKER_00: I had to do a lot of reading.
• 4:07
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and then it got to a point, I'm doing my dream job.
• 4:09
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like absolutely in love with my life.
• 4:12
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and the things at home were starting to pick up, and I was like, I can't do this anymore.
• 4:18
  SPEAKER_00: I'm going to quit.
• 4:19
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and I ended up calling uh one of my colleagues and I said, I have to quit.
• 4:23
  SPEAKER_00: She says, You need to come in for a session and we need to just unpack this.
• 4:27
  SPEAKER_00: And there's where everything transformed.
• 4:29
  SPEAKER_00: I did an intake, it was about two hours long, and I heard this story that only I had ever, I guess maybe I knew it, but I have never heard it in that way before.
• 4:39
  SPEAKER_00: And I felt so empowered to really start to understand like what's under the hood?
• 4:44
  SPEAKER_00: Like, what is running the show?
• 4:45
  SPEAKER_00: 90% of the time.
• 4:47
  SPEAKER_00: I ended up doing a uh six-week breakthrough and really started to recognize that I had this limiting belief that I was unlovable.
• 4:55
  SPEAKER_00: That wasn't true, but it was really running the show for me.
• 4:59
  SPEAKER_00: I had ended a long-term relationship.
• 5:01
  SPEAKER_00: I had been single.
• 5:02
  SPEAKER_00: I was like declaring I wasn't going to be a mother.
• 5:05
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not getting married.
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_00: Like, no, like this is as good as it gets in my life.
• 5:09
  SPEAKER_00: I think I was like 26 or something at that time.
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_00: And after this transformation, I came out with a goal to um be in a loving, healthy, nurturing, communicative relationship with the man of my dreams on March 3rd, 2013.
• 5:24
  SPEAKER_00: And um, anyways, I met him April 2013, and we are married today with two beautiful children, and we've never stopped talking since the moment we met on Tinder.
• 5:36
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and it really was the power of loving myself, declaring what I wanted, what I knew that I desired, but fear, and you know, childhood trauma and the people you surrounded.
• 5:51
  SPEAKER_00: It's like this is as good as it gets.
• 5:53
  SPEAKER_00: And within that work, I started to recognize all of the ways in which I could actually run the show, where I could take my power back and start to direct my life and have that agency over how I wanted to live.
• 6:06
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and so very quickly, as a social worker, I got trained and certified in the NLP and quantum um change process.
• 6:16
  SPEAKER_00: And I have been doing that work full-time since 2016.
• 6:20
  SPEAKER_00: I've been literally leading other people through the same journey of like, what do you want?
• 6:26
  SPEAKER_00: What's in the way?
• 6:27
  SPEAKER_00: And how can you create a life that is like without that is completely outside of what you think is possible, but you know inside, like everyone has that whisper.
• 6:37
  SPEAKER_00: And I really help to bring that whisper out.
• 6:39
  SPEAKER_00: So, because I did it, if that makes sense.
• 6:43
  SPEAKER_00: You know, it's like I've lived it, I've experienced it, and I want nothing more than to have people really know that they are so loved and they can love themselves in a way they didn't know possible.
• 6:53
  SPEAKER_02: Okay, so for the listener, you said NLP and quantum change.
• 6:57
  SPEAKER_02: Yes, yeah, yeah.
• 6:58
  SPEAKER_02: You need to you need to explain what that means.
• 6:59
  SPEAKER_02: Absolutely.
• 7:00
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 7:00
  SPEAKER_00: So NLP stands for neurolinguistic programming.
• 7:04
  SPEAKER_00: It's essentially the the best modalities kind of pooled together and really understanding how our brain interprets, understands, and programs our experiences through language, through all of the senses.
• 7:18
  SPEAKER_00: So you and I could be looking at the same sunset, uh, but you could have a completely different experience.
• 7:23
  SPEAKER_00: Like it could be the best day ever for you.
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_00: And for me, it could be the worst because of how my brain is bringing that information in.
• 7:30
  SPEAKER_00: So when you get trained in NLP, you understand this as a concept.
• 7:33
  SPEAKER_00: And then you're trained in the tools to help you understand how someone uh programs a problem or a belief in their body.
• 7:41
  SPEAKER_00: We don't need to figure out the why or the what.
• 7:44
  SPEAKER_00: We figure out the how.
• 7:45
  SPEAKER_00: So neuroscience has really helped me understand my brain.
• 7:50
  SPEAKER_00: Quantum change process is essentially deep, deep forgiveness work that happens on a mind, body, and soul level.
• 7:58
  SPEAKER_02: So, how does this relate to the mother wound?
• 8:02
  SPEAKER_00: So it was in that work back in 2012.
• 8:05
  SPEAKER_00: I thought I was going in because I was like, my dad, you know, left our family.
• 8:08
  SPEAKER_00: He started a new relationship, like our family broke down.
• 8:11
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, I've got some stuff I've got to deal with, my dad.
• 8:14
  SPEAKER_00: And um, after a few hours, we quickly realized there was a lot going on with my mom and I.
• 8:19
  SPEAKER_00: We were very immeshed.
• 8:21
  SPEAKER_00: Um, she had a lot of pain, she had a lot of trauma, unresolved trauma.
• 8:25
  SPEAKER_00: And being immeshed, I really didn't know that I was separate from her.
• 8:29
  SPEAKER_00: I thought, you know, I thought I was her care, like I was there to parent her.
• 8:34
  SPEAKER_00: It's not like we ever said it's not like she called me up and said, listen, you need to be my mother.
• 8:37
  SPEAKER_00: It was just a role I had taken on.
• 8:40
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and I love her, just to premise.
• 8:42
  SPEAKER_00: And um, so it was in that work that I started to recognize I have a lot of unhealed stuff with my mom.
• 8:49
  SPEAKER_00: And I learned how to love because of her.
• 8:52
  SPEAKER_00: I learned how to live, how to earn money.
• 8:55
  SPEAKER_00: I learned how to be a mother because of her.
• 8:57
  SPEAKER_00: And there's so many wonderful qualities there.
• 9:00
  SPEAKER_00: But also, there wasn't any time for her to deal with her emotional pain.
• 9:05
  SPEAKER_00: There wasn't any time for her to deal with her trauma, and it came out in some yucky ways.
• 9:10
  SPEAKER_00: And um, those were wounds inside of my heart.
• 9:14
  SPEAKER_00: So through this work, I've been able to recognize her as a mirror.
• 9:18
  SPEAKER_00: What is it that she's showing me that I can heal?
• 9:20
  SPEAKER_00: And that has been essential in the work.
• 9:23
  SPEAKER_00: And so the mother wound um happens to all of us.
• 9:28
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 9:29
  SPEAKER_00: If you have a mother, you have a mother wound.
• 9:31
  SPEAKER_00: It doesn't need to be a uh, you don't have to be a mother to have a mother wound, and you can be um a son um to have a mother wound, right?
• 9:40
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 9:41
  SPEAKER_00: Um the reality is we all carry these wounds from generation to generation.
• 9:47
  SPEAKER_00: QCP is the short term for quantum change process, and this is the modality, the technique that we can get right down to the root of that wound.
• 9:56
  SPEAKER_00: What is it that you learned through that mother wound that's preventing you from living in the now, preventing you from having that loving relationship or having that healing in your body or being the mother you want to be?
• 10:09
  SPEAKER_00: What is it that's getting in the way?
• 10:11
  SPEAKER_00: And um that is typically through that process, we start to see that come come to life.
• 10:20
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, so between, you know, the ages of zero to seven, this was a belief that was anchored in.
• 10:24
  SPEAKER_00: And here's how I played it out with some of the very significant people in my life.
• 10:28
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and what we start to recognize is how I learn to love, I'm playing that out with everybody around me.
• 10:34
  SPEAKER_00: So if I want to have a loving, beautiful, trusting relationship with the man of my dreams, I've got to resolve it from the root.
• 10:42
  SPEAKER_00: I've got to figure out where did that happen and what did I learn and how is it not serving me anymore?
• 10:47
  SPEAKER_00: And I and I use that phrasing very intentionally because it did work for a certain amount of time, right?
• 10:53
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 10:53
  SPEAKER_00: Our our wounds are helping us, they're keeping us safe, they're keeping us protected.
• 10:58
  SPEAKER_00: My belief is that once they start to come up, they're coming up for healing.
• 11:02
  SPEAKER_00: And so that's really the premise of why I love QCP and NLP so much.
• 11:08
  SPEAKER_02: Okay, so you did answer something I was gonna ask you.
• 11:10
  SPEAKER_02: So the mother wound is not exclusively for women, it's for anybody, any human that has a mother.
• 11:19
  SPEAKER_02: Okay.
• 11:19
  SPEAKER_02: Because we talk a lot, we talked a lot about women and the mother, right?
• 11:23
  SPEAKER_02: And mothers.
• 11:24
  SPEAKER_02: Okay, so this it's for anybody.
• 11:26
  SPEAKER_02: Any anybody can have a mother wound.
• 11:28
  SPEAKER_00: Anybody can have a mother wound, but you know, here's I'll say for women, there's one layer that's different, right?
• 11:34
  SPEAKER_00: Because um, as a mother, you watched your mother have to make a decision between ambition and career.
• 11:43
  SPEAKER_00: Um, staying, you know, in the home, raising the children, or going out of the home and we're like you watched your mom, and now you're going to do the same thing.
• 11:52
  SPEAKER_00: So we don't typically see a lot of role models in the generations before us doing it differently, right?
• 11:58
  SPEAKER_00: And so for a son, he's going to have different, you know, layers to what that looks like, like how to be loved by a woman, how to care for a woman.
• 12:08
  SPEAKER_00: So, yes, we will all have that.
• 12:10
  SPEAKER_00: Um, my work definitely does specialize in that space of like, how do we decide between both?
• 12:15
  SPEAKER_00: Like, how do I hold my ambition and you know, be present as a mother and have a loving, healthy relationship?
• 12:22
  SPEAKER_00: Because when I look back, nobody else was able to um do that in a way that felt really good for them, let's say.
• 12:29
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe they did it, but maybe there was other challenges.
• 12:31
  SPEAKER_00: So I will put that caveat that we all have one, but how we express those certain wounds will look different just based on, you know, gender and our roles in the in the in our family.
• 12:44
  SPEAKER_02: I want to say this when I was younger, um, I didn't, I I was I felt very strongly about this statement that I did not have a role model.
• 12:54
  SPEAKER_02: I did not look at my mother as a role model.
• 12:56
  SPEAKER_02: And then I realized instead of instead of being like upset with her that she couldn't be a role model for me because she wasn't, she was so fiercely dependent on every man in her life, starting from her father to her husband, then her ex-husband, that I swore I would never be like that.
• 13:16
  SPEAKER_02: But I realized that learning by default, learning how not to be from our parents is still a gift that we can, that we can glean, that we can take from that experience.
• 13:26
  SPEAKER_01: Yes.
• 13:26
  SPEAKER_02: That just because she wasn't how how I should be didn't mean that I couldn't learn how not to be.
• 13:31
  SPEAKER_02: And so I I became less upset about the fact that she wasn't a role model for me.
• 13:37
  SPEAKER_02: I thought, I don't need that.
• 13:38
  SPEAKER_02: I can, I'm going to be an independent woman because she wasn't.
• 13:43
  SPEAKER_00: So I don't know if I well, no, I love that because I think it's the contrast.
• 13:48
  SPEAKER_00: Like, how beautiful for her to model unconsciously.
• 13:52
  SPEAKER_00: It's not like she set off to be like, I'm going to show you everything not to do.
• 13:55
  SPEAKER_00: But you were able to say, these are the like my soul does not align with these things.
• 14:00
  SPEAKER_00: These are not, this is not how I want to do it.
• 14:02
  SPEAKER_00: And so for her to give that contrast of like, you, you know, in your soul, this is not what I want, and I'm gonna go do it differently.
• 14:09
  SPEAKER_00: I think that is a really beautiful gift.
• 14:11
  SPEAKER_00: Um, to be able to say, actually, I wouldn't know what it's like to say, my mom was my best friend, like blah, blah, blah, blah.
• 14:17
  SPEAKER_00: You know, but man, did she teach me so much, whether she sh, you know, intentionally wanted to or unintentionally did.
• 14:25
  SPEAKER_00: I do think part of the mother wound is that when we can look back and go from generation to generation, what did they heal?
• 14:33
  SPEAKER_00: What did they resolve?
• 14:34
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe they didn't do it all, but maybe one element was really, really resolved on that that created space for the next generation to do it differently.
• 14:43
  SPEAKER_00: And that's evolution.
• 14:44
  SPEAKER_00: You know, that's that's that's such a beautiful part of this healing work.
• 14:48
  SPEAKER_02: I know my mother was incredibly proud of me that I was like the first child, grandchild in the family that actually went to university.
• 14:57
  SPEAKER_02: I know that she didn't want me to be like her.
• 14:59
  SPEAKER_02: So, but she she didn't express it in so many ways because she wasn't very expressive.
• 15:04
  SPEAKER_02: But I I could I knew how proud she was of me.
• 15:07
  SPEAKER_02: So um how do we know if we're struggling with some mother wound?
• 15:13
  SPEAKER_02: Like, what are some of the common signs for our listener right now who's thinking, yeah, I think I I have some unresolved issues?
• 15:20
  SPEAKER_02: What are the signs that would be so glaringly apparent?
• 15:25
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 15:26
  SPEAKER_00: Love this question.
• 15:27
  SPEAKER_00: I think there's a few that are super obvious.
• 15:29
  SPEAKER_00: One of them is being like highly, highly independent, you know, maybe learn that asking for help either burdens someone else or causes too much stress or leaves an individual feeling very disappointed.
• 15:43
  SPEAKER_00: So rather than feel that heaviness, ah, I can do it on my own.
• 15:47
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and I think, you know, everything is a duality.
• 15:50
  SPEAKER_00: There's a polarity to everything.
• 15:51
  SPEAKER_00: We need it all.
• 15:52
  SPEAKER_00: We need to be independent, right?
• 15:53
  SPEAKER_00: That's important.
• 15:55
  SPEAKER_00: But to what end?
• 15:56
  SPEAKER_00: You know, when that when we start being independent and it's um sacrificing a lot of our our needs, then that's when it's causing, you know, chaos.
• 16:05
  SPEAKER_00: Like even just being in a family or working as part of a team, being independent isn't going to move us further ahead.
• 16:12
  SPEAKER_00: It's going to start to take away, right?
• 16:14
  SPEAKER_00: Um, a very, very uh highly critical inner voice or that inner monologue that is like consistently judging, um, being I like to use the word cruel because that you would never speak to anybody in your life with that voice.
• 16:29
  SPEAKER_00: And but for whatever reason you are to yourself.
• 16:33
  SPEAKER_00: Um, that one is really, really big.
• 16:35
  SPEAKER_00: Um, a lack of boundaries.
• 16:37
  SPEAKER_00: So it's like you know you should say no, but you just can't handle the the feelings that come with letting someone else down.
• 16:45
  SPEAKER_00: So it's like I will just say yes to everything and I'll burn myself out, but I can handle that because I've done that before.
• 16:52
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm a yes person.
• 16:55
  SPEAKER_00: Um so the lack of boundaries are very important, uh, a high indicator of the mother wound.
• 17:00
  SPEAKER_00: And um, the last one is just I'll say either it can show up differently for for those, but like a lot of fear or control, you know, needing to control so many parts of our life or living in fear of, you know, what are other people going to think?
• 17:16
  SPEAKER_00: How is this making other people feel?
• 17:18
  SPEAKER_00: It's kind of like the the um, you know, to be an empath, it's a beautiful thing, but then to the other the the shadow side of an empath is you almost take too much responsibility for everyone and everything, right?
• 17:31
  SPEAKER_00: So all of these pieces start draining.
• 17:34
  SPEAKER_00: Like I have this visual in my mind of just like you've got a balloon and you're just poking it with holes and the air is just coming out fiercefully.
• 17:41
  SPEAKER_00: Like we can do that, right?
• 17:43
  SPEAKER_00: But how long can we sustain that?
• 17:45
  SPEAKER_00: And what are we sacrificing um in that in that space?
• 17:50
  SPEAKER_00: There's a lot of sacrificing that's that's happening in there.
• 17:53
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 17:53
  SPEAKER_02: You you you nailed me, by the way.
• 17:56
  unknown: Okay.
• 17:57
  SPEAKER_02: I mean, I'm not it, I've done a lot of work as we spoke about.
• 18:01
  SPEAKER_02: So this is this was me younger, in you know, in my 20s.
• 18:04
  SPEAKER_02: I was fiercely independent.
• 18:06
  SPEAKER_02: I was yet at the same time as I was a people pleaser.
• 18:09
  SPEAKER_01: And right, right.
• 18:10
  SPEAKER_02: Oh, like it was constant.
• 18:12
  SPEAKER_02: But uh but I think what you're what I think this is very relatable, what you're saying.
• 18:16
  SPEAKER_02: I feel like there's a lot of people that can say that was me, but again, they didn't maybe didn't realize where it came from, or maybe they do realize where it comes from, but they they need to know how to move forward and how to heal.
• 18:28
  SPEAKER_02: I think that's where people get stuck.
• 18:29
  SPEAKER_02: Yes, I'm aware of all this, but what do I do?
• 18:32
  SPEAKER_02: And I we're gonna talk about that.
• 18:34
  SPEAKER_02: Maybe we're gonna talk about it in this next question.
• 18:38
  SPEAKER_02: Well, in actually in our last conversation, I I wrote down something that you said that was I felt was so powerful.
• 18:44
  SPEAKER_02: Our mother wound gets in the way of being the mother that we want to be, or the mother that we thought we would be.
• 18:50
  SPEAKER_02: In fact, you said that you have a lot of clients that come to you saying, like, I I thought I would be better.
• 18:56
  SPEAKER_02: Can you talk about that?
• 18:59
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, well, great.
• 19:00
  SPEAKER_00: I love this because I think you even mentioned it before.
• 19:03
  SPEAKER_00: It's like, I'm gonna do, I am, will not do this.
• 19:06
  SPEAKER_00: I will not be this.
• 19:08
  SPEAKER_00: And I think there's so much love.
• 19:10
  SPEAKER_00: And I think even as a parent, I want my daughter to be so much better than me.
• 19:14
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I literally am creating a life for her to be better than me.
• 19:17
  SPEAKER_00: That is my goal.
• 19:18
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but I also want her to have all my great qualities too.
• 19:20
  SPEAKER_00: So, anyways, however, the challenge I think with the mother wound is like because it is so unconscious, right?
• 19:28
  SPEAKER_00: We have to look at our conscious and our unconscious mind.
• 19:31
  SPEAKER_00: Our unconscious mind is 90% of it.
• 19:33
  SPEAKER_00: It's the reason why we're breathing and not consciously breathing, you know?
• 19:37
  SPEAKER_00: It's the reason the blood is pumping through our veins, why everything is happening without us having to do it.
• 19:42
  SPEAKER_00: And I think when we really start to slow that down, our unconscious mind stores our memories and our beliefs.
• 19:49
  SPEAKER_00: So if we watched our mom never, ever say yes to help, guess what?
• 19:56
  SPEAKER_00: You may want to say, I will ask for help when I have kids and I'm raising my family and I'm doing work.
• 20:02
  SPEAKER_00: But for whatever reason, the voice inside your head or that belief is making you feel like, let me just say my words, I'm not good enough and I have failed because I should be able to do all of this.
• 20:14
  SPEAKER_00: I should be able to handle two kids, a marriage, a business, keep the house clean, do all the things because she did.
• 20:22
  SPEAKER_00: But the truth is, what was she?
• 20:25
  SPEAKER_00: Um, what was missing in those pieces?
• 20:27
  SPEAKER_00: What was she saying no to when it came to herself?
• 20:30
  SPEAKER_00: And I think that's where we have this opportunity of saying, um, if that was modeled to you, it's okay.
• 20:39
  SPEAKER_00: And your desire to want to be different is wonderful.
• 20:43
  SPEAKER_00: How do we do that?
• 20:44
  SPEAKER_00: We have to come back home to ourselves.
• 20:47
  SPEAKER_00: We have to be able to say, it's something I learned.
• 20:50
  SPEAKER_00: And this is why I like to call it the code.
• 20:52
  SPEAKER_00: Like I look at it like a computer software system.
• 20:55
  SPEAKER_00: We're hardwired and we have, you know, the hard hardware that comes with it and the software.
• 21:00
  SPEAKER_00: And we're talking about the hardware programming here.
• 21:04
  SPEAKER_00: And so we develop strategies and habits that say it's not safe to ask for help, let's say.
• 21:11
  SPEAKER_00: So therefore, we go, you know, 10, 20 years not asking for help, but then all of a sudden we become a mother, we want to have a business, and we start to realize there's actually no time for me to take care of myself.
• 21:21
  SPEAKER_00: I must, there's something is wrong with me.
• 21:24
  SPEAKER_00: But that's not true.
• 21:26
  SPEAKER_00: The reality is, is now you're in a space where you are actually being invited to your potentiality, to your power, to what's possible.
• 21:35
  SPEAKER_00: The one thing that's standing in the way is this belief that says you don't have to do it this way anymore.
• 21:39
  SPEAKER_00: And I think that's usually when the universe calls and is like, Hey, are you ready to do it differently?
• 21:45
  SPEAKER_00: And are you ready to love yourself differently?
• 21:47
  SPEAKER_00: And if you are, we can release that route and create new strategies to do it differently.
• 21:54
  SPEAKER_00: Really coming down to it is safe for me to ask for help.
• 21:59
  SPEAKER_00: Like that, like if We learned that and we saw that and then we imprinted that, that may be true for us.
• 22:05
  SPEAKER_00: But for whatever reason, we come to a tipping point and it's like we either have to say, you know what, maybe it's true.
• 22:11
  SPEAKER_00: I am allowed to ask for help and I am worthy of asking for help.
• 22:15
  SPEAKER_00: That's an old belief.
• 22:16
  SPEAKER_00: And because we can see it, that means we can heal it.
• 22:18
  SPEAKER_00: That's my belief.
• 22:20
  SPEAKER_02: You said something, and I want to go back to it.
• 22:22
  SPEAKER_02: You said, come back to ourselves.
• 22:25
  SPEAKER_02: I think that's what you said.
• 22:26
  SPEAKER_02: You want to return to ourselves.
• 22:28
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 22:28
  SPEAKER_02: That is a very hard uh because it's such an abstract concept, like to come back to oneself.
• 22:35
  SPEAKER_02: So let's talk about that for the for the listener who's like, what do you mean come back to myself?
• 22:39
  SPEAKER_02: How do I do this?
• 22:40
  SPEAKER_02: Everything you're saying sounds beautiful, and I want that.
• 22:43
  SPEAKER_02: I just don't know how to get there.
• 22:45
  SPEAKER_02: How do I figure out who I am that I can return to?
• 22:52
  SPEAKER_00: Well, yeah, there is a how for it for sure.
• 22:55
  SPEAKER_00: I think permission to even give ourselves a moment to recognize that when we were born, who we were born to be, we were beautiful, innocent, creative, magnificent beings.
• 23:07
  SPEAKER_00: You know, my son is two and a half years old, right?
• 23:10
  SPEAKER_00: Um, he doesn't get embarrassed or anything when he does something.
• 23:16
  SPEAKER_00: He's just he naturally listens to his body.
• 23:19
  SPEAKER_00: He listens, he moves, he does his things.
• 23:21
  SPEAKER_00: I'm very mindful of witnessing all these pieces, but that was all of us.
• 23:26
  SPEAKER_00: We all came into this world just like completely like a beautiful blank sheet of paper, just ready to take on the world.
• 23:33
  SPEAKER_00: And so life happens.
• 23:35
  SPEAKER_00: It has to.
• 23:36
  SPEAKER_00: Nobody did anything wrong.
• 23:37
  SPEAKER_00: No one deserves any of those pieces.
• 23:41
  SPEAKER_00: And, you know, you had mentioned at the very beginning, it's like our job to heal.
• 23:46
  SPEAKER_00: And I do, I do think that's an invitation to come back home to ourselves and to remember how incredibly loved we are.
• 23:55
  SPEAKER_00: Like we have spent a lifetime.
• 23:57
  SPEAKER_00: I have worked with many people who have spent a lifetime believing that they are not loved.
• 24:03
  SPEAKER_00: Not that, and and some people don't even question it.
• 24:05
  SPEAKER_00: It's just a matter of fact.
• 24:08
  SPEAKER_00: So I think when we're in this space of going, wait a minute, there must be a better way.
• 24:14
  SPEAKER_00: That's when we start to go, wait a minute.
• 24:17
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, like maybe that day that you know, mom and dad bought that dog home, I started to realize, wow, what would happen if I love something so much and something happens to it?
• 24:28
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I don't know, that's not the worst thing in the world.
• 24:31
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 24:32
  SPEAKER_00: But a belief starts to happen, a pattern starts to happen.
• 24:34
  SPEAKER_00: And I could go even bigger and we could talk soul level and contracts and all of these reasons as to why we're here.
• 24:41
  SPEAKER_00: But when we come back home to ourselves, it's the permission to believe that we are worthy and deserving of love.
• 24:50
  SPEAKER_02: Boy, oh boy, we could end it on that.
• 24:52
  SPEAKER_02: I love that.
• 24:53
  SPEAKER_02: I love that.
• 24:54
  SPEAKER_02: So I think this is what we're gonna get into is the topic of self-mothering.
• 24:59
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 25:00
  SPEAKER_02: Because that is part of that you can that can be used as part of the healing process.
• 25:05
  SPEAKER_02: If you weren't mothered the way you wanted to be or hope for, and somewhere along the way you felt unloved to return to self is to say, I can mother myself, I can be the parent that I didn't have.
• 25:20
  SPEAKER_02: And I I want parents, I think a lot of what's going on in the world right now with parents and their young adults is so much is based on how they were parented or fear, and they're just they've lost their confidence, they've lost who they are.
• 25:36
  SPEAKER_02: You know, we were also, I wouldn't say we, a lot of parents were very excited to become parents.
• 25:43
  SPEAKER_02: But then somewhere along the line, maybe when the child started mounting back or things got a little challenging, they started losing their, it wasn't fun anymore.
• 25:52
  SPEAKER_02: Now the work starts.
• 25:53
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 25:54
  SPEAKER_02: I'm digressing.
• 25:56
  SPEAKER_02: My point is that like I want parents to understand that when if there's an issue right now, if you are struggling with your young adult, communication, connection, that you need to do the work on yourself when you heal that part of you that feels uh, you know, that that you're not good enough.
• 26:15
  SPEAKER_02: And that started when we were children.
• 26:17
  SPEAKER_02: If you can work on that, you'll be a better parent.
• 26:21
  SPEAKER_02: So self-mothering is something that you talk about.
• 26:26
  SPEAKER_02: Um, I I want to, I want to like talk to the listener about how we can do that self-mothering.
• 26:32
  SPEAKER_02: You mentioned it both on a spiritual sense and as well as on the with the nervous system.
• 26:37
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 26:38
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 26:38
  SPEAKER_02: So give us give us something because I I do, you know, this is funny.
• 26:44
  SPEAKER_02: Over 25 years ago, I wrote this book in the back, Father Effects.
• 26:48
  SPEAKER_02: And I'm not promoting the book.
• 26:49
  SPEAKER_02: If anybody's wanting to know what they get, get the book.
• 26:52
  SPEAKER_02: It's actually probably not even in publication anymore because it was so old, but it is uh digitally available.
• 26:57
  SPEAKER_02: But besides that, in my how to heal, I talk about uh parenting yourself.
• 27:04
  SPEAKER_02: And it's almost like way before we even talked about this stuff, parenting yourself is the way back to yourself.
• 27:12
  SPEAKER_02: See, right?
• 27:13
  SPEAKER_02: It's because there, and we're gonna get into this.
• 27:16
  SPEAKER_02: There's an inner child.
• 27:18
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, and the inner child is what's carrying all the pain.
• 27:20
  SPEAKER_02: So here we are as adults thinking we're fine, but we're not fine.
• 27:24
  SPEAKER_02: We can tell by our relationships with our children, with our partners, with ourselves.
• 27:28
  SPEAKER_02: We're not fine.
• 27:29
  SPEAKER_02: Let's talk about self-mothering.
• 27:32
  SPEAKER_02: I love it.
• 27:33
  SPEAKER_02: Okay, I love it.
• 27:37
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, so there's so much work on inner child work and coming back home to the self.
• 27:42
  SPEAKER_00: And I love all of the theories, and I've watched it transform, you know, clients' lives, my life deeply.
• 27:49
  SPEAKER_00: And then when I became a mother, recognizing the first time my daughter, I think she was uh learning how to no, she had already crawled.
• 27:58
  SPEAKER_00: So she was crawling and she was learning how to get up onto the table.
• 28:01
  SPEAKER_00: And she her hand slipped just where the table leg was, it slipped.
• 28:06
  SPEAKER_00: So she bonked her forehead, and it was her first bruise ever.
• 28:10
  SPEAKER_00: I can remember it.
• 28:11
  SPEAKER_00: Every cell in my body remembers.
• 28:13
  SPEAKER_00: And I would just remember going, she's like, I don't know, 11 months, 12, 12 months, or if she was crawling, maybe six, either way.
• 28:22
  SPEAKER_00: Um, there's no, I can't talk logic to her.
• 28:25
  SPEAKER_00: She, I can't talk rationally to her.
• 28:27
  SPEAKER_00: I can't do anything in this moment.
• 28:30
  SPEAKER_00: But I I I felt I had the thought in my head, I'm kind of helpless in this moment.
• 28:34
  SPEAKER_00: And then I was like, no, no, no, let's reframe that.
• 28:37
  SPEAKER_00: I am the mother.
• 28:39
  SPEAKER_00: All she needs right now is the mother.
• 28:41
  SPEAKER_00: And what does the mother have?
• 28:43
  SPEAKER_00: The mother has love, the mother has uh, like, I think of a goddess energy, like trusting and she knows and she doesn't question and she just stands and holds space.
• 28:55
  SPEAKER_00: And so when my daughter hit her head and she's like, Oh my God, I don't know what to do right now, she comes to me for a hug, like what a gift.
• 29:04
  SPEAKER_00: She comes to me for a hug and say, Mommy, like literally her little heart saying, Mommy, tell me everything is okay.
• 29:08
  SPEAKER_00: Tell me what the heck just happened and what's next.
• 29:12
  SPEAKER_00: And all I could do in those moments was hug her and hold her.
• 29:17
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't run for ice.
• 29:18
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't try to talk her out of it, but I could hear the dialogue trying to tell me to fix it, right?
• 29:23
  SPEAKER_00: But because I've been doing the work, I was like, no, like the only thing needed right now is my presence in this moment because her nervous system was dysregulated.
• 29:33
  SPEAKER_00: She hurt herself, she was in pain.
• 29:36
  SPEAKER_00: Her emotional brain was completely here, ready for me, not her logical brain.
• 29:41
  SPEAKER_00: You know, the her her brain, the the lid has been flipped.
• 29:45
  SPEAKER_00: There's no bringing that back on to talk about how to do it differently or anything.
• 29:49
  SPEAKER_00: And so I just remember that moment so deeply.
• 29:51
  SPEAKER_00: And then um, when you think about giving her a hug, and then she starts to take deep breaths.
• 29:57
  SPEAKER_00: Now we're talking nervous system.
• 30:00
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, she's breathing.
• 30:01
  SPEAKER_00: All I had to do in that moment was remain calm, hold space, right?
• 30:06
  SPEAKER_00: Nervous system's back online, she's back online.
• 30:09
  SPEAKER_00: And I said, Hannah, let me show you what happened.
• 30:12
  SPEAKER_00: And I showed her, oh, okay, that's it, done.
• 30:15
  SPEAKER_00: That's the sequence, right?
• 30:17
  SPEAKER_00: So, what do we learn in that moment?
• 30:19
  SPEAKER_00: We need to notice, we need to witness, and we need to acknowledge.
• 30:22
  SPEAKER_00: We need to be validated.
• 30:25
  SPEAKER_00: And how many of us in our younger years, I'm going to say this first and foremost, our parents had the best intentions all of the time.
• 30:34
  SPEAKER_00: I I deeply, deeply know that.
• 30:36
  SPEAKER_00: What I often will tell my clients in a in one of our forgiveness sessions is like, um, you know, I forgive you for not being the mother I needed at the time.
• 30:46
  unknown: Wow.
• 30:47
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 30:48
  SPEAKER_00: Because maybe mom's love language is like um acts of service.
• 30:53
  SPEAKER_00: And maybe mine was words of affirmation.
• 30:56
  SPEAKER_00: So her, she's gonna show me she loves me through making the food and doing the like laundry, doing all those things.
• 31:02
  SPEAKER_00: And all I want is my mom to be like, I love you, I'm proud of you, but she's not saying it.
• 31:06
  SPEAKER_00: So I interpret that as I must not be good enough, I must not be loved.
• 31:10
  SPEAKER_00: And there's nothing there that that's not true.
• 31:14
  SPEAKER_00: But again, if we go back to software, the line, the communication lines are crossed.
• 31:18
  SPEAKER_00: And so it's like when we do this deep forgiveness work and we self-mother, we have to come at it from that approach.
• 31:25
  SPEAKER_00: That my mom did the very best that she could.
• 31:28
  SPEAKER_00: And when I became of age, which I think is like when the brain develops fully at 25, I have, I have a it's an honor for me to take over.
• 31:38
  SPEAKER_00: And I think that's where we get tripped up, is like we have these beliefs like you hurt me, you weren't there for me, you I could talk about me, you left us, dad.
• 31:48
  SPEAKER_00: Like you left.
• 31:49
  SPEAKER_00: And I could go on, but that could be my story forever.
• 31:52
  SPEAKER_00: And I could be waiting forever for him to say sorry or to take some responsibility.
• 31:57
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but the reality is I can't force him to do any of that.
• 32:00
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 32:01
  SPEAKER_00: So when we have to self-mother, it's being able to come back and go, nobody knows me better than me right now in this moment.
• 32:09
  SPEAKER_00: So what an honor it is for me to recognize, validate, and witness myself.
• 32:15
  SPEAKER_00: That's what inner child work is.
• 32:17
  SPEAKER_00: But now we're doing it from that place of like, I get to.
• 32:20
  SPEAKER_00: Because mom, it's like, hey, mom, I'm gonna take it from here, not out of spite, not out of like resentment energy, but out of like pure honor energy.
• 32:29
  SPEAKER_00: And that's the difference that I teach is that when we we can talk about repair and we can do all these things, but if we're not willing to see the little girl inside of ourselves, like and to recognize that maybe those moments when my daughter, you know, refuses to go to the bathroom or refuses to help out or whatever, that is triggering the parts of me that are feeling uh when I was a little girl that that felt those things.
• 32:56
  SPEAKER_00: That's not my daughter's job to do that work for me.
• 32:58
  SPEAKER_00: That's my job.
• 33:00
  SPEAKER_00: So that's where I start to go.
• 33:02
  SPEAKER_00: How can I love myself in this moment?
• 33:04
  SPEAKER_00: I witness that I'm frustrated.
• 33:06
  SPEAKER_00: I witness that I feel like nobody is helping, and I would and I'm and I'm validating that my feelings are important.
• 33:13
  SPEAKER_00: There's nothing to do, it's just something to to to feel and to acknowledge.
• 33:18
  SPEAKER_00: And I think that's the under, like we underestimate how powerful that can be.
• 33:23
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 33:24
  SPEAKER_02: So I believe that when you if you want to come to that place where you can heal yourself by self-mothering, you have to recognize that you do have an inner child.
• 33:34
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 33:35
  SPEAKER_02: That is hurting.
• 33:36
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 33:37
  SPEAKER_02: So it's almost like you're playing this role of I'm I'm going to play the mother to my inner child that needs to work.
• 33:44
  SPEAKER_02: I I can't listen, a lot of parents, a lot of our, you know, my age group, I'm a little older than you, our parents aren't even alive anymore to say sorry.
• 33:52
  SPEAKER_02: Right.
• 33:52
  SPEAKER_02: So does that mean you're going to carry that wound for the rest of your life because they didn't say sorry?
• 33:56
  SPEAKER_02: And what is sorry anyway?
• 33:58
  SPEAKER_02: You these are deep wounds of lacking love or feeling or feeling unloved, but you can do that for yourself.
• 34:06
  SPEAKER_02: You can.
• 34:07
  SPEAKER_02: It's a beautiful feeling too when you can say, I, I, I do love myself.
• 34:12
  SPEAKER_02: A lot of people struggle with that.
• 34:14
  SPEAKER_02: They feel like they're being conceited or something, but they're not.
• 34:17
  SPEAKER_02: It's such it's such a true gift you give yourself that says, I'm a good person, I love myself.
• 34:24
  SPEAKER_02: Right.
• 34:24
  SPEAKER_02: I I and and then that makes you here's the greatest gift of all.
• 34:28
  SPEAKER_02: It makes you capable of loving others.
• 34:31
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, exactly.
• 34:33
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 34:34
  SPEAKER_00: It it's inviting in more space for love.
• 34:37
  SPEAKER_00: It's the difference, I talk a lot about toxic positivity.
• 34:40
  SPEAKER_00: Like I love affirmations, but if we can't feel it, um, that's because we haven't witnessed the pain we've actually been in.
• 34:48
  SPEAKER_00: With, you know, okay, so when something happens, if you were taught like, oh, like the glass fell off the table, that's your fault.
• 34:55
  SPEAKER_00: We're always looking for someone to blame.
• 34:57
  SPEAKER_00: What if we just saw that as like, oh, I made a mistake.
• 35:02
  SPEAKER_00: That's an old thought I used to have.
• 35:04
  SPEAKER_00: Um, it's nobody's fault, but now I get to do it differently.
• 35:08
  SPEAKER_00: Like there's a difference there.
• 35:10
  SPEAKER_00: That is like a theory or a strategy built and soaked in compassion and grace.
• 35:15
  SPEAKER_00: And when we think about learning environments, how cool is it to have a learning environment where it's like, oh, it's okay.
• 35:22
  SPEAKER_00: Like you're just doing it differently.
• 35:24
  SPEAKER_00: You're learning how to do it differently.
• 35:26
  SPEAKER_00: You've never done this before, you know, like I've never been this age on this day with what's going on in my life.
• 35:33
  SPEAKER_00: Like grace is required at this point.
• 35:36
  SPEAKER_00: It's not letting myself off the hook.
• 35:38
  SPEAKER_00: I will say, when people come in for um the forgiveness work, they're like, Well, if it this person did this to me and this to me, and so now do I have to go have a relationship with them?
• 35:48
  SPEAKER_00: Like, absolutely not.
• 35:50
  SPEAKER_00: You're taking back all of the energy that has been going towards that person.
• 35:55
  SPEAKER_00: And if you've been waiting for them to take responsibility or say sorry, the beautiful thing that can happen is when we let ourselves off the hook and we come back into like, oh, like you change that perspective, you have that healing and that resolution.
• 36:11
  SPEAKER_00: What happens most of the time is that person all of a sudden sends a message and is like, hey, I just wanted to say sorry for that thing that happened.
• 36:20
  SPEAKER_00: Or mom all of a sudden is like, you know what, I just want to take responsibility for what I said, and I'm really committed to doing it differently.
• 36:28
  SPEAKER_00: The thing we want the most happens once we start to do it to ourselves because we cannot see what we cannot accept and see in ourselves.
• 36:37
  SPEAKER_00: Does that make sense?
• 36:39
  SPEAKER_02: It's it's it's tough.
• 36:40
  SPEAKER_02: It's tough to see that.
• 36:42
  SPEAKER_00: It's so tough to see that.
• 36:43
  SPEAKER_00: It's like, of course, you love your children.
• 36:46
  SPEAKER_00: Of course, we love all our family, of course we do all these things.
• 36:50
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but the judgment, the blame, and you know, I talked about that that cruel inner voice that we've got going on ourselves.
• 36:57
  SPEAKER_00: You know, if we can't change that, we're constantly on edge, our nervous system is dysregulated.
• 37:04
  SPEAKER_00: Like it is our job to reframe and redirect that voice inside of our head and to remember to come back to ourselves.
• 37:12
  SPEAKER_00: And I think at the end of the day, when you put your head on the pillow, the only person you have is yourself.
• 37:18
  SPEAKER_00: It's you first.
• 37:19
  SPEAKER_00: And if you cannot love, accept, and acknowledge what you did that day without like love and grace, you're gonna have a very hard time accepting that from others.
• 37:30
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 37:31
  SPEAKER_00: And that there's nothing wrong, like there's no blame.
• 37:34
  SPEAKER_00: It's a learning piece.
• 37:35
  SPEAKER_00: Like nobody's teaching us that in school.
• 37:37
  SPEAKER_00: We're not, you know, we are here out here doing that work because it is so key in this transformation.
• 37:46
  SPEAKER_02: So when we were talking, and we had such, I'm I know I've referenced it already, but we had so much, we had such nuggets of great info, of great conversation.
• 37:55
  SPEAKER_02: But there are two things, and this is where we're uh um we're gonna move a little bit into the parenting role now, because you know, a lot of work on yourself, but our children are two things they are our triggers and they are also our mirrors.
• 38:13
  SPEAKER_02: So when we talk about children as our triggers, I don't know if I've ever met a parent that doesn't have at least one child that doesn't press their buttons.
• 38:22
  SPEAKER_02: Right.
• 38:22
  SPEAKER_02: And there's a reason for that, right?
• 38:24
  SPEAKER_02: Right?
• 38:24
  SPEAKER_02: They're not just pissing you off.
• 38:26
  SPEAKER_02: This is a gift.
• 38:28
  SPEAKER_02: They're trying to help us to learn something about ourselves.
• 38:32
  SPEAKER_02: So, do you want to talk a little bit more about children as triggers?
• 38:35
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 38:37
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, so I think the so here's where I'm gonna share a difference between trigger and an activation.
• 38:43
  SPEAKER_00: A trigger is like, okay, um, my daughter, you know, uh, let's say we had to you get an animal, and oh my gosh, when I was a kid, we had to re-home our animals.
• 38:56
  SPEAKER_00: It was the saddest day of my life.
• 38:57
  SPEAKER_00: And then here we are, we had to do it with our family for my son.
• 39:01
  SPEAKER_00: We had to re-home our cats, a very devastating day.
• 39:05
  SPEAKER_00: Um, that can be a trigger because it's gonna bring up emotions for me that I would have had when I was a kid that maybe I didn't get resolution on.
• 39:11
  SPEAKER_00: So I I really engaged my daughter in this process.
• 39:14
  SPEAKER_00: And, you know, she knows it, but it's not a trigger, it's not trauma, if that makes sense.
• 39:20
  SPEAKER_00: So I think there's that trigger, and then there's activations.
• 39:23
  SPEAKER_00: And an activation would be like, oh, she's activating me.
• 39:26
  SPEAKER_00: There's something.
• 39:27
  SPEAKER_00: This is a beautiful question I love.
• 39:29
  SPEAKER_00: There's something for me to learn here, you know.
• 39:32
  SPEAKER_00: Um, she's a kid, she's doing her thing.
• 39:35
  SPEAKER_00: But if I've committed to a lifetime of growth and healing and really wanting to show up for the little girl that's in front of me, not the little girl who I want it to be, but like who's actually in front of me, then I need I'm invited, I'll say, to ask, like, what does this have to do with me?
• 39:53
  SPEAKER_00: Why does her not listening to me irritate me, lose my patience, trigger me, activate me?
• 40:01
  SPEAKER_00: Like, what is it?
• 40:02
  SPEAKER_00: And I always think there's like three layers to it because yes, children need to listen, but like just brain science alone, they don't even have the brain set up yet to listen as quickly as we want.
• 40:13
  SPEAKER_00: So, okay, it's not that.
• 40:14
  SPEAKER_00: So, what else does this have to do with me?
• 40:16
  SPEAKER_00: You know what?
• 40:16
  SPEAKER_00: When I'm not listened to, I feel very disrespected and I feel like I'm running out of time.
• 40:22
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, that's that's good.
• 40:24
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, that's great awareness.
• 40:25
  SPEAKER_00: But like, what's really at the bottom of what does her not listening have to do with me?
• 40:30
  SPEAKER_00: It makes me feel like I'm um I am a failure because everybody, everybody has kids that listen and there must be something wrong with me.
• 40:40
  SPEAKER_00: Now that is the root.
• 40:42
  SPEAKER_00: We can really do something there.
• 40:45
  SPEAKER_00: And I will say that sometimes just the awareness of that can shift the energy between the the parent and the child.
• 40:53
  SPEAKER_00: It can.
• 40:53
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 40:54
  SPEAKER_00: Because the parent in that moment goes, whoa, I just took full responsibility for what I might be seeing in her.
• 41:00
  SPEAKER_00: And when we can see it, we can heal it.
• 41:03
  SPEAKER_00: So if I feel like there's something wrong with me, well, now I need to call my coach or I need to call my therapist.
• 41:08
  SPEAKER_00: I need to take action and really come back home to myself and remind myself that I am loved and I am important.
• 41:16
  SPEAKER_00: And I didn't do anything wrong.
• 41:18
  SPEAKER_00: And I need to find a new tool.
• 41:20
  SPEAKER_00: So there's so many invitations in that point, but they're getting to the root.
• 41:24
  SPEAKER_00: Because you know what happens when we cut a dandelion, it just grows back.
• 41:28
  SPEAKER_02: Right.
• 41:29
  SPEAKER_00: So listening.
• 41:30
  SPEAKER_00: So I always look at it like three layers.
• 41:31
  SPEAKER_00: It's like this, you know, the presenting problem is that she's not listening.
• 41:35
  SPEAKER_00: The semi-conscious problem is, you know, maybe I need better boundaries or, you know, there's something going on.
• 41:40
  SPEAKER_00: But the root of the issue is typically coming back to the parent themselves.
• 41:44
  SPEAKER_00: And again, that's not a blaming point, that's a power point.
• 41:48
  SPEAKER_00: That's like, this is my opportunity to take responsibility for that belief.
• 41:54
  SPEAKER_00: It's not true, but it is giving me insight to do this differently.
• 41:58
  SPEAKER_00: And then all of a sudden, what we'll start to see is like the energy and the dynamic between the parent and the child shifts because now that kid doesn't have to keep not listening to show mom or dad that they might be having those certain feelings about themselves.
• 42:11
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 42:12
  SPEAKER_02: That's that's heavy.
• 42:14
  SPEAKER_02: I know that is heavy.
• 42:16
  SPEAKER_00: I know, I know, but it's oh, the invitation opens up space.
• 42:22
  SPEAKER_02: Yes, it is an opportunity to learn.
• 42:25
  SPEAKER_02: That the bottom line, our children are pressing our buttons for a reason.
• 42:28
  SPEAKER_02: Pay attention, right?
• 42:29
  SPEAKER_02: You know, yeah.
• 42:30
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm a I'm a business owner, entrepreneur for 12 years.
• 42:34
  SPEAKER_00: And I remember when we were potty training my daughter and I was in a mastermind, and I was like, you know, like she is everything is working out, she's trained, but like for whatever reason, like she just won't go.
• 42:44
  SPEAKER_00: It's like, it's like I'm she just won't do it.
• 42:47
  SPEAKER_00: And so they they they gave me this framework, and it was like, well, maybe I'm forcing her.
• 42:52
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, yeah, maybe I need to step back a little bit.
• 42:54
  SPEAKER_00: Like maybe, maybe I think I'm not forcing, but maybe my energy is forcing, right?
• 42:59
  SPEAKER_00: Even though I'm like, it's okay, you got this, my love, but maybe my energy is high expectations.
• 43:05
  SPEAKER_00: Hmm, sound familiar, right?
• 43:06
  SPEAKER_00: It's like, yeah, I got I've got a lot of high expectations on myself.
• 43:10
  SPEAKER_00: I put a lot of stuff on my plate.
• 43:12
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, it's not that.
• 43:13
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, what else could it be?
• 43:14
  SPEAKER_00: You know, I'm I'm I'm putting a lot of pressure on myself to perform and to get this certain goal.
• 43:21
  SPEAKER_00: So, you know what?
• 43:22
  SPEAKER_00: That's what this has to do with me.
• 43:24
  SPEAKER_00: And I came back up from that call, and my daughter was right back, literally had just gotten off the potty and did all the things we were waiting for her to do.
• 43:31
  SPEAKER_00: The energy shifted instantly.
• 43:34
  SPEAKER_00: So, not only did that framework help in my business, in my mothering, and in myself, it it takes away all the time and energy we spend on ruminating and focused on the top level when when we get resolution at the root, we it that's how we transform it, right?
• 43:51
  SPEAKER_00: Like it's gone.
• 43:52
  SPEAKER_02: Right.
• 43:53
  SPEAKER_02: Right.
• 43:53
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 43:54
  SPEAKER_02: And how do you see children as mirrors?
• 43:57
  SPEAKER_02: It's which is different than being triggered, right?
• 44:00
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 44:00
  SPEAKER_02: Because yeah, it's not necessarily a bad thing.
• 44:02
  SPEAKER_02: Like a trigger feels you you feel like angry or upset.
• 44:06
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 44:07
  SPEAKER_02: But a a mirror is different.
• 44:08
  SPEAKER_02: Like you see yourself in your children or or a child.
• 44:13
  SPEAKER_02: So what does that do?
• 44:14
  SPEAKER_02: How does that come back to us?
• 44:18
  SPEAKER_00: Well, in the forgiveness work, we we actually are looking in a mirror.
• 44:22
  SPEAKER_00: And so for some parents, we we do need to address one or all of their children.
• 44:28
  SPEAKER_00: And it's one of those beautiful practices where when you can look in the mirror but look at your child and you start saying, I forgive you, you know, I forgive you for this and I forgive you for that.
• 44:39
  SPEAKER_00: My job then becomes as a guide to show how those pieces that they're mirroring back to you are actually an opportunity for you to remember how loved you are.
• 44:52
  SPEAKER_00: Does that make sense?
• 44:53
  SPEAKER_00: Like the thing that you are frustrated with them the most about is actually a reflection of how you've got to give yourself that love and attention.
• 45:03
  SPEAKER_00: So I like to use the mirror as an opportunity to go, you know, my daughter's always running late and I'm I'm worried that she's never gonna get it together, and I'm worried that her life is gonna be really hard.
• 45:15
  SPEAKER_00: Well, what's that mirror?
• 45:16
  SPEAKER_00: That mirror in that moment is like, whoa, I need to make some different decisions because I am never on time and I feel like I don't have my life together, and I feel like we don't have enough time as a family.
• 45:30
  SPEAKER_00: And those mirrors a really beautiful opportunity to go, I've got we've got to, we need to change things here because our we're not meeting our values.
• 45:37
  SPEAKER_00: We're not, we need to change what is important to us because being late all of the time is kind of an indicator that our system isn't working anymore.
• 45:48
  SPEAKER_00: So it's one of those things where for me, it's that invitation to remember again with ourselves, you're showing me what's going on, and I am the one again that's responsible to make the change and invite that in.
• 46:01
  SPEAKER_00: I'll say modeling that to my daughter.
• 46:05
  SPEAKER_00: Does that make sense?
• 46:06
  SPEAKER_02: I was just thinking modeling when you were when you were talking that the word kept coming out modeling.
• 46:10
  unknown: Yeah.
• 46:11
  SPEAKER_02: Um, so I I I think we talked about this.
• 46:16
  SPEAKER_02: You know that I believe that our children chose us.
• 46:20
  SPEAKER_02: Yes.
• 46:21
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, I do.
• 46:22
  SPEAKER_02: I know it's very like woo-woo for some people to think that way, but I do believe that on a very soulful level, our our children chose us, and that our life is all about learning from them.
• 46:35
  SPEAKER_02: And then at the same time, you know, it's it's self-reflection, it's self-awareness, and then we teaching them.
• 46:41
  SPEAKER_02: And as we teach them, we teaching ourselves.
• 46:44
  SPEAKER_02: I think that that's, you know, for me at least, I remember at a very young age thinking, wow, I didn't realize how I have no patience until this little boy was just like showing me that I don't have any patience.
• 47:00
  SPEAKER_02: And it was like I I realized at the moment what a gift because for me to learn patience was through him by showing me no patience.
• 47:08
  SPEAKER_02: I often when I want something, I want something.
• 47:10
  SPEAKER_02: And I was like, Well, you can't have it like that.
• 47:12
  SPEAKER_02: And then I realized Sherry, you're just like that, you know.
• 47:16
  SPEAKER_02: So in teaching them that everything comes in due time and blah, blah, blah, that I was realizing this is this is for me to learn as well.
• 47:24
  SPEAKER_02: Um identity after loss.
• 47:28
  SPEAKER_02: So I want to talk a bit about when you lost your mother.
• 47:32
  SPEAKER_02: And we're not gonna cry.
• 47:34
  SPEAKER_00: No, we're not.
• 47:35
  SPEAKER_00: We got this.
• 47:36
  SPEAKER_02: We got this.
• 47:36
  unknown: Okay.
• 47:37
  SPEAKER_02: So when your mother passed, something happened to you.
• 47:42
  SPEAKER_02: And I I want to kind of talk about that because that's how we talk about identity after loss.
• 47:48
  SPEAKER_02: And I don't want to take it away.
• 47:49
  SPEAKER_02: I want you to tell us the story about that feeling when you didn't know who you were.
• 47:57
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 47:58
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 48:00
  SPEAKER_00: You know, I went for a bike ride for a uh just the other day, and we live in a forest.
• 48:05
  SPEAKER_00: And so some parts are lit, they there's lights on the road.
• 48:08
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but in order for me to get from one path to another, I had to go through a very dark, dark uh path.
• 48:16
  SPEAKER_00: And it was so fitting because I think that after my mom passed, I did a great job at being present for my daughter.
• 48:27
  SPEAKER_00: But you slowly start to not forget, but rewire and get kind of caught up in the darkness.
• 48:34
  SPEAKER_00: Who am I?
• 48:35
  SPEAKER_00: Who am I becoming?
• 48:37
  SPEAKER_00: What do what is even important to me?
• 48:39
  SPEAKER_00: And so I was on this bike ride, and it's like, no, like I can do this.
• 48:43
  SPEAKER_00: It's dark, but I know that I can get out.
• 48:46
  SPEAKER_00: And I think after the loss, if we go into nervous system and all the science around, you know, grief changes every cell of your body.
• 48:56
  SPEAKER_00: Um and I and I remember thinking, like, you know, the mother and the child, they have they share DNA.
• 49:01
  SPEAKER_00: Like, that's a it's a big deal.
• 49:03
  unknown: Yeah.
• 49:04
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and I would just say I've been present, but this other part of me, there's two ways of looking at it, was completely lost, or it was becoming.
• 49:15
  SPEAKER_00: I just hadn't had an opportunity to really meet her.
• 49:18
  SPEAKER_00: And I feel like through many of my mother wound healings, I've I've got an opportunity to meet the person that I am, to, to kind of expand on who I am and who I'm becoming.
• 49:30
  SPEAKER_00: But the last four years have really been uh like dark.
• 49:35
  SPEAKER_00: And not to mention postpartum.
• 49:37
  SPEAKER_00: I think I underestimated uh the hormonal changes that happened.
• 49:42
  SPEAKER_00: So not only, you know, did I have mom brain and hormonal changes and caring for a life, but I was grieving a life.
• 49:49
  SPEAKER_00: And I just remember feeling very displaced.
• 49:53
  SPEAKER_00: Like I've I've always been very passionate.
• 49:57
  SPEAKER_00: I've had a spark, I'm an advocate.
• 49:59
  SPEAKER_00: Like when I believe in something, nobody can stop me.
• 50:03
  SPEAKER_00: And I just remember, you know, about six months after she passed, that really changed.
• 50:07
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, what am I passionate about?
• 50:10
  SPEAKER_00: What do I like?
• 50:11
  SPEAKER_00: What do I want to talk about?
• 50:13
  SPEAKER_00: Other than my kids and my husband, everything else, I was like, I had no capacity for it.
• 50:18
  SPEAKER_00: I felt like I didn't have a meaning.
• 50:21
  SPEAKER_00: And they say grief lasts a lifetime, right?
• 50:24
  SPEAKER_00: Like until I die, I'm going to carry this grief.
• 50:27
  SPEAKER_00: And for my brain, I was like, well, that doesn't make sense because there's no end, and I really thrive when things start and stop.
• 50:37
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and that really came a hold of me.
• 50:39
  SPEAKER_00: So it really was the abyss, if I may say, the dark, dark hole of starting one thing and never coming back to it again, having dreams, but having no gas to go get it, if that makes sense.
• 50:55
  SPEAKER_00: And it was about a month ago, maybe August, doing some really deep healing work and again getting a completely different perspective or shift on my mother's legacy and our relationship.
• 51:08
  SPEAKER_00: And I will say it's poured new meaning into my life again.
• 51:12
  SPEAKER_00: And I wonder if from her passing to then it's almost like the light went out for a long time.
• 51:21
  SPEAKER_00: And it was um reignited, I would say, within the last yeah, August, which is a beautiful month.
• 51:28
  SPEAKER_00: It's my birthday, her birthday, all the beautiful things.
• 51:31
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 51:32
  unknown: Wow.
• 51:33
  SPEAKER_02: I don't know if that answers the question, but I mean, you you have clients that come to you and identify so strongly with their parent, and then they lose them.
• 51:43
  SPEAKER_02: But I I do want to just tell you how it felt the day after I woke up from when my mother passed away, the day after.
• 51:52
  SPEAKER_02: Because it's kind of touching on something you said.
• 51:55
  SPEAKER_02: And I'm a very strong woman, and she, you know, so it's it's almost like this took me by surprise.
• 52:01
  SPEAKER_02: I my mother and I weren't we're very different people, clearly.
• 52:07
  SPEAKER_02: Um, we buttheads a lot over time.
• 52:10
  SPEAKER_02: I, you know, I she respected me and I loved her in spite of everything.
• 52:16
  SPEAKER_02: So we were really good when she passed.
• 52:19
  SPEAKER_02: But the next day I woke up and the world felt different.
• 52:26
  SPEAKER_02: It was such a strong feeling of I don't have that person here anymore.
• 52:33
  SPEAKER_02: So who then who then will have my back?
• 52:37
  SPEAKER_02: Who then would believe in me no matter what I did wrong?
• 52:41
  SPEAKER_02: And I just felt this tremendous sense of uh of loneliness.
• 52:49
  SPEAKER_02: And that takes it in in in a way, it wasn't as much as grief as what a feeling, what a feeling to be, and I think I think you said this, your uncle, or somebody said to you, Yeah, say that.
• 53:04
  SPEAKER_02: I don't want to take it away.
• 53:05
  SPEAKER_00: You say I remember a few days after she had passed, my uncle, her brother, we have a beautiful relationship, said to me, You know, your mother lived um uh here on earth and a life before you, but you haven't.
• 53:20
  SPEAKER_00: And I was like, Thank you for that, because I actually don't know what it's like to live in this world without her earth side.
• 53:26
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 53:27
  SPEAKER_00: And there's there's research and theories around it when we lose a loved one at any age, yeah, the safety net is gone.
• 53:35
  SPEAKER_00: But the younger you are, the bigger the safety net.
• 53:38
  SPEAKER_00: So the younger the child is when the parent um passes, it's almost like the safety net gets smaller and smaller as you get older, but it starts out massive.
• 53:49
  SPEAKER_00: So it's like you completely lose that sense of security and and and self.
• 53:54
  SPEAKER_00: And when he said that to me, I was like, oh, so that's why this feels like so, like I feel so untethered.
• 54:01
  SPEAKER_00: I feel, you know, I know I have a home, I know I'm home to myself, I know I have my husband and my children, but um this was just a next level of like your body kind of leaves for a while and tries to search for uh, you know, every day at four o'clock, it's like mom and I would call, right?
• 54:21
  SPEAKER_00: So you it really hit me when you said uh no one will ever believe in me the way a mom.
• 54:27
  SPEAKER_00: See, I'm not gonna cry.
• 54:28
  SPEAKER_00: We got this.
• 54:30
  SPEAKER_00: Um because yes, people love me and people believe in me.
• 54:34
  SPEAKER_00: But I think one I remember feeling the first few years, like I had so much to tell her about my daughter.
• 54:41
  SPEAKER_00: You know, like I would tell her in detail what happened that day.
• 54:45
  SPEAKER_00: And then all of a sudden, that was gone.
• 54:49
  SPEAKER_00: So it's almost like my memory wasn't because I I'm an express, like I'm an external processor, I had no one to say, yeah, like Hannah did this today, and she had this many movements and she ate this.
• 55:00
  SPEAKER_00: And oh my God, you should have seen the way she ate the goldfish cracker.
• 55:03
  SPEAKER_00: You know, it's like nobody cares.
• 55:05
  SPEAKER_00: So when I went to pick up the phone to tell this random story to someone, it was like, well, they don't care, like they can't, but they don't care.
• 55:13
  SPEAKER_00: Like your mom cares.
• 55:15
  SPEAKER_00: Your mom will listen to anything and everything you have to say, regardless of how toxic or healthy our relationship was through the years.
• 55:23
  SPEAKER_00: He will listen.
• 55:25
  SPEAKER_02: Right.
• 55:25
  SPEAKER_00: And she will believe in you.
• 55:27
  SPEAKER_00: So yeah, I think just having that like that.
• 55:30
  SPEAKER_00: I definitely will say that belief in myself.
• 55:33
  SPEAKER_00: I was rocked.
• 55:35
  SPEAKER_00: And I agree with you.
• 55:36
  SPEAKER_00: I am the same person.
• 55:37
  SPEAKER_00: I am strong, and I was like, I can do this, but it definitely caught me off track.
• 55:42
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, whoa, I I don't, I do not have this.
• 55:47
  SPEAKER_02: I'm not sure I'm gonna keep this in the recording, but I want to tell you anyway that for a while it was that was the hardest part for me.
• 55:55
  SPEAKER_02: The yes, the missing her, but 100% not being able to just pick up that phone and your website and your podcast, say it.
• 56:03
  SPEAKER_00: Can't call your mom.
• 56:03
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, say it again.
• 56:05
  SPEAKER_02: Can't call your mom.
• 56:06
  SPEAKER_02: Can't call your mom.
• 56:07
  SPEAKER_02: I love that.
• 56:08
  SPEAKER_02: Um, so I struggled for that year at feeling the loss of her and that having that person.
• 56:15
  SPEAKER_02: She was my person.
• 56:17
  SPEAKER_02: So I went to a psychic.
• 56:21
  SPEAKER_02: That's why I'm not sure I'm gonna keep this in here.
• 56:24
  SPEAKER_02: And it was like a channeler.
• 56:26
  SPEAKER_02: And uh the second, the minute I walked in, they said, Oh, somebody just busting to come in.
• 56:33
  SPEAKER_02: And you don't say a word when you go to these people, you just keep everything under wraps because you don't want them to know anything about you.
• 56:40
  SPEAKER_01: No.
• 56:41
  SPEAKER_02: Um, and she said, It's your mother.
• 56:44
  SPEAKER_02: Your mother's here, she's in the room, and she wants you to know she knows where your son is playing soccer, she knows the color of your daughter's room.
• 56:55
  SPEAKER_02: She is all around you.
• 57:00
  SPEAKER_02: And that gave me so much peace, Nicole.
• 57:03
  SPEAKER_02: You have no idea because now I knew that I didn't have to pick up the phone.
• 57:07
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, I just knew that she was around me.
• 57:10
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, and I find that um there's so much comfort in knowing that there's a soul that exists outside of our her physical body that even though she's not there, they're not there.
• 57:20
  SPEAKER_02: They really are supporting us and loving us from wherever they are.
• 57:27
  SPEAKER_02: From wherever they are, yeah.
• 57:28
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 57:29
  SPEAKER_02: I love that so much.
• 57:31
  SPEAKER_02: Um for any parent who feels that they have done everything possible for their child, but they're not getting solutions.
• 57:41
  SPEAKER_02: This is something that you we talked about.
• 57:43
  SPEAKER_02: What do you suggest they do?
• 57:46
  SPEAKER_02: They're just struggling with their kid.
• 57:49
  SPEAKER_02: And we have a lot of listeners that are struggling and feeling really, really shitty about that.
• 57:55
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 57:59
  SPEAKER_00: You know, for me, um, right out the gate, I've always, always, always, my work has always come back to the self, me first.
• 58:07
  SPEAKER_00: And again, not from blame, but from love, like a willingness to uh accept oneself from a loving place.
• 58:15
  SPEAKER_00: We we know the power of thoughts, we know the power of energy.
• 58:18
  SPEAKER_00: You know, there's been studies that show if you bully a plant and you love another plant, one will grow and one will not.
• 58:25
  SPEAKER_02: I love that, right?
• 58:26
  SPEAKER_00: We we know that.
• 58:27
  SPEAKER_00: Like that's not woo-woo.
• 58:29
  SPEAKER_00: That's like proven science, it happens.
• 58:31
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 58:32
  SPEAKER_00: And so it's like when we, if we were to look at ourselves as a beautiful garden, what have you been giving that garden?
• 58:39
  SPEAKER_00: How have you been talking to yourself?
• 58:41
  SPEAKER_00: How have you been treating yourself?
• 58:42
  SPEAKER_00: How have you been loving yourself?
• 58:43
  SPEAKER_00: And if you're having those challenges in parenting, which the truth is we all are, because if you go back to what you said, and I believe the same, our children choose us.
• 58:52
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, just like I chose my mom, we come at it from this place of okay, this is here in front of me, and I do have everything I need to take a step.
• 59:01
  SPEAKER_00: I think the first place is to take a deep breath and honestly give yourself forgiveness for blaming yourself or for blaming anyone else.
• 59:10
  SPEAKER_00: I think those are really beautiful moments, what I like to call the spaces in between.
• 59:15
  SPEAKER_00: So you've got your child, you've got you, but like who are you in those spaces in between?
• 59:20
  SPEAKER_00: And how are you loving yourself in those moments?
• 59:23
  SPEAKER_00: Um, because from that space, you can then take that next action step to even begin forgiveness of the self and mothering the self and coming back home to her.
• 59:34
  SPEAKER_00: That energy alone, again, coming back to the plan.
• 59:38
  SPEAKER_00: When your child feels you loving yourself, guess what?
• 59:42
  SPEAKER_00: You don't even need to say it, they're gonna feel it.
• 59:45
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 59:46
  SPEAKER_00: They will, they will absolutely.
• 59:48
  SPEAKER_00: So it's not like the how to, it's not five steps, because I think to make any of that stuff work, we have to be willing to create capacity for change.
• 59:58
  SPEAKER_00: And how do we create capacity with our nervous system?
• 1:00:02
  SPEAKER_00: We have to breathe and we have to come, we have to rest and really change how we're speaking to ourselves, change how we are thinking about the situation.
• 1:00:12
  SPEAKER_00: And I know through this work of mother wound work and recognizing like what's the root of this, that's where we get that.
• 1:00:21
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I'll say agency because power sounds weird, but and control sounds weird, but that's where we get agency to change.
• 1:00:30
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, like that for me is everything.
• 1:00:33
  SPEAKER_00: Like that's how we start to take that step forward and go, I've done everything, and now it's time for me to love on myself.
• 1:00:40
  SPEAKER_00: And it feels weird because it's like, oh, I should go, I should go do this, I should go do this.
• 1:00:44
  SPEAKER_00: But I'm telling you, and I've seen it over and over again, when we come back home and we love ourselves truly, you know, our kids often don't do what we say, they do what we do and how we be to ourselves.
• 1:00:57
  SPEAKER_00: So I remember learning very early on that I wasn't expressing self-love out loud, but I was doing it to myself.
• 1:01:06
  SPEAKER_00: And then I started to recognize my daughter was having a hard time with like our uh like math and she was being really hard on herself.
• 1:01:12
  SPEAKER_00: And I quickly didn't say, Oh, be nice to yourself.
• 1:01:15
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, the next thing I did, I was cutting up food for dinner and I was like, Oh, I didn't cut that right.
• 1:01:21
  SPEAKER_00: And I was like, it's okay, mom.
• 1:01:22
  SPEAKER_00: You're doing a great job.
• 1:01:23
  SPEAKER_00: I love you.
• 1:01:24
  SPEAKER_00: You can do it differently.
• 1:01:25
  SPEAKER_00: And I started to model it.
• 1:01:27
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't tell her how to do it, I just started modeling it, and that felt really, really good.
• 1:01:34
  SPEAKER_02: Right?
• 1:01:35
  SPEAKER_02: Yes, yes, yes, yes.
• 1:01:36
  SPEAKER_02: You are practicing everything I feel very strongly about.
• 1:01:39
  SPEAKER_02: So I I think that this is almost like saying to our listener, instead of focusing so much on trying to fix them, because I don't think they're broken.
• 1:01:48
  SPEAKER_02: No, this is just something, this is just a stage that you're going through.
• 1:01:51
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 1:01:52
  SPEAKER_02: In the most difficult times that you're having with them, it's time to turn inward.
• 1:01:55
  SPEAKER_02: It's time to look in the mirror as you do and do the work on yourself and then watch things start to unfold in a more positive way.
• 1:02:04
  SPEAKER_02: And that's almost, isn't it a little bit easier?
• 1:02:07
  SPEAKER_02: Because you can't change the people around us, right?
• 1:02:09
  SPEAKER_00: No, you cannot change anyone.
• 1:02:11
  SPEAKER_02: So I we're getting to the end, and I always like to finish on a positive note.
• 1:02:16
  SPEAKER_02: And this has been heavy.
• 1:02:17
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, we have.
• 1:02:19
  SPEAKER_02: I know.
• 1:02:20
  SPEAKER_02: When someone, when someone that you're working with goes through the healing process, and you almost you all actually kind of touched on it, but how do their relationships with their children change when they start to heal?
• 1:02:33
  SPEAKER_00: That healing is like um a portal of potentiality.
• 1:02:37
  SPEAKER_00: It's a portal of love.
• 1:02:39
  SPEAKER_00: And it's just offering a child who might feel, you know, if if there's challenges in the home, there's challenges in the relationship, a child could interpret that as there's something wrong with me and I'm not good enough or I'm unloved.
• 1:02:50
  SPEAKER_00: Well, all that's not true.
• 1:02:52
  unknown: Right.
• 1:02:53
  SPEAKER_00: But imagine when we can resolve that those energies in ourselves and begin to know that the space that's created, all of a sudden the child's like, oh yeah, like that's not true.
• 1:03:03
  SPEAKER_00: Cause look, they're doing this and they're doing their own work.
• 1:03:06
  SPEAKER_00: I think a lot of us, and when I say children, I even speak to my own child, inner child, um, we always think there's something, uh, like we did something wrong.
• 1:03:18
  SPEAKER_00: And I think the biggest part of this relationship with self and our children is to show them that like we get it wrong too, and we're worthy of love.
• 1:03:29
  SPEAKER_00: Like if I can show you that I'm having a hard time and you think I'm amazing, then you're also gonna go, well, I'm amazing and it's okay to have a hard time.
• 1:03:38
  SPEAKER_00: And I think that that is so key in this work that mom and dad are recognizing that it's not just me, but they're gonna go do their work too.
• 1:03:48
  SPEAKER_00: Um, oftentimes when parents call me, I'm like, yes, I will absolutely like guide and mentor, and I invite you to do it too.
• 1:03:57
  SPEAKER_00: Because not only like you kind of come in like um, you know, with blinders on, and after the work, you have so much expansion.
• 1:04:06
  SPEAKER_00: And that alone is invitate it's an invitation to peace and love and things you've not maybe felt in a long time.
• 1:04:13
  SPEAKER_00: And so I just think everything is energy.
• 1:04:16
  SPEAKER_00: And if our children came here to to choose us, they came here to learn something.
• 1:04:22
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and I just believe it starts with us first.
• 1:04:25
  SPEAKER_00: And I think that shouldn't weigh heavy.
• 1:04:27
  SPEAKER_00: That should be that should be a relief that like I actually have everything I need then.
• 1:04:33
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, because I am the perfect person for this person or for this child, because this I look at my daughter, I'm like, I know exactly how she's feeling right now.
• 1:04:44
  SPEAKER_00: And I've learned X, Y, and Z so that I can carve a new path for her.
• 1:04:48
  SPEAKER_00: Doesn't mean she's not going to experience adversity, but she's gonna go, oh, mom, mom's been here too, and I'm not alone.
• 1:04:56
  SPEAKER_02: I think that's why you knew what to do when she hit her head.
• 1:05:01
  SPEAKER_02: Because you asked, What would I have needed at that moment, at that age?
• 1:05:05
  SPEAKER_02: I would have needed my mother.
• 1:05:08
  SPEAKER_02: Not to say you're okay, but just to hug and and hold them and give them that security and that support and love.
• 1:05:17
  SPEAKER_02: I think you channeled yourself.
• 1:05:19
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, and that's why you knew you you just took a second and you've remembered you remembered what you would have needed as a child as a child.
• 1:05:28
  SPEAKER_02: And and by the way, I want to say this as parent, as a parent of older children.
• 1:05:33
  SPEAKER_02: My kids, knockwood, are not hitting their head anymore, but they're going through their own adult issues.
• 1:05:39
  SPEAKER_02: And it's the same process.
• 1:05:42
  SPEAKER_02: I will go for a walk with a one of my kids.
• 1:05:46
  SPEAKER_02: That's an amazing thing I do with them.
• 1:05:47
  SPEAKER_02: I I strongly encourage um outdoor walking because you're not looking at each other, but you're able to talk freely about something that's bothering you.
• 1:05:57
  SPEAKER_02: And when my kids tell me something that's on their mind, I want to fix it.
• 1:06:02
  SPEAKER_02: I want to say all the right things.
• 1:06:04
  SPEAKER_02: My brain is doing exactly what your brain did, but I know that all I have to do is be present.
• 1:06:12
  SPEAKER_02: Just be present with them, just listen.
• 1:06:15
  SPEAKER_02: And that is all our children often need.
• 1:06:18
  unknown: Yeah.
• 1:06:19
  SPEAKER_02: Not the words, not the advice, not the solutions, but just the presence of our being in their company.
• 1:06:27
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, heart-to-heart presence, like that resonance, it's connection.
• 1:06:33
  SPEAKER_00: And it's if I've worked with, you know, 300 people, we always go back to that point where it's just like, I forgive you for not being the mother I needed in that moment.
• 1:06:46
  SPEAKER_00: And that is everything because it's just like it's an oops, that's it.
• 1:06:51
  SPEAKER_00: It didn't actually define anything.
• 1:06:52
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, but it's just it's just a connection, it's just being seen, even though we know a hundred million things, it's like there's no other mother.
• 1:07:02
  SPEAKER_00: There's no other mother that can do this and hold this space for her.
• 1:07:06
  SPEAKER_00: What an honor.
• 1:07:07
  SPEAKER_00: And then I will say, what an honor it is for me to do that for myself too.
• 1:07:13
  SPEAKER_02: It's so much easier instead of waiting for sorry to just offer forgiveness.
• 1:07:18
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 1:07:18
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 1:07:19
  SPEAKER_02: You take your power back.
• 1:07:21
  SPEAKER_02: You do.
• 1:07:22
  SPEAKER_02: You do.
• 1:07:23
  SPEAKER_00: You do.
• 1:07:24
  SPEAKER_02: I think our listeners will have gotten so much out of this, Nicole.
• 1:07:30
  SPEAKER_02: Thank you.
• 1:07:30
  SPEAKER_02: Honestly, your wisdom, your insight.
• 1:07:33
  SPEAKER_02: It just, I don't know.
• 1:07:35
  SPEAKER_02: I think it just moves me.
• 1:07:36
  SPEAKER_02: And I hope that, you know, parents who have realizing that there is a wound, that they can do the work and heal.
• 1:07:46
  SPEAKER_02: And in that, in that work, they will improve their relationship with their adult children immensely.
• 1:07:53
  SPEAKER_02: So thank you for bringing this to the listener.
• 1:07:56
  SPEAKER_02: It's been such an honor.
• 1:07:59
  SPEAKER_00: Such an honor to be here with you.
• 1:08:00
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you.
• 1:08:01
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you.
• 1:08:02
  SPEAKER_00: I hope you come back.
• 1:08:03
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, yes, I'd love to.
• 1:08:05
  unknown: Okay.
• 1:08:06
  SPEAKER_02: Thank you, Nicole.
• 1:08:07
  SPEAKER_02: Thank you.
• 1:08:10
  SPEAKER_02: I hope today's episode gave you valuable insights and actionable steps that will help you guide your young adult to launch successfully into adulthood.
• 1:08:19
  SPEAKER_02: If you found this topic helpful, feel free to leave a comment and hit the subscribe button so you never miss an episode.
• 1:08:26
  SPEAKER_02: Leaving a five-star review helps us reach more parents who are dealing with the same issues.
• 1:08:31
  SPEAKER_02: And if there's something you want to ask me, I invite you to join Launch Advice, my weekly publication where I answer one question from parents just like you.
• 1:08:40
  SPEAKER_02: It's free advice that will appear in your inbox probably when you need it the most.
• 1:08:44
  SPEAKER_02: Just click Launch Advice in the show notes and don't forget to email me your confidential question.
• 1:08:49
  SPEAKER_02: And remember, no one ever said parenting is easy, especially when you're raising an adult.
• 1:08:55
  SPEAKER_02: Talk to you soon.