Latest / Iridescent: The Grief Podcast / Why "let me know how I can help" isn’t enough for grievers
Transcript
- Courtney Trethric: This is something that needs to be talked about, not just in pet grief, but grief in general. And you can apply this to any kind of grief. It's something that is said all too often. It doesn't help. And it's a lot of times makes people feel worse. And that is saying either I'm sorry or let me know if there's anything I could do to help. Anyone who has been hit by hard times, but especially grief, knows let me start over. This episode isn't just for folks that are grieving a pet. This isn't even just for folks grieving a human, but it's for everyone that cares about their community and folks that they love. Because this episode changes how you think about grief and how you think about community support. We're diving into today the thing that happens, and I've noticed this with myself, with clients, with friends, with family. Whenever we're hit with grief, the natural thing to say is, I'm so sorry for your loss. Let me know if there's anything I can do to help. What does that fix? How does that make someone feel supported? A lot of the times when you say that, they just want their loved one back. There's nothing you can really do to make them come back. And folks that are grieving just don't have the mental capacity to tell you what they need. They might need someone to come over and help them with their laundry or to clean the house or to help with yard work or even just to put away the dishes and maybe they just need a friend, companionship. How do you ask for that when you feel like your meat? How do you ask for that when your needs in general don't feel like they're being met? So when you kind of change your perspective around this, you realize how hurtful and isolating something that society Kind of makes us feel like we should say, I'm sorry, let me know if there's anything I can do to help. Always here if you need me. I'm so sorry for your loss. Those are kind of just statements. So today we're gonna get into words of action, ways to actually help people that are grieving, and ways for you to advocate for yourself in grief. This episode is for everybody. It helps you just change your vocabulary and your capacity for care and Boundaries with others. I have a two-part series about this on my Instagram, and I pulled the community about what helped most and what didn't help most. And their overwhelming response was, let me know if I can help, was the overwhelming thing that just didn't help. Think about it. Anyone in Lost knows that it's almost impossible to answer that question. You can't make another decision. You're already making difficult decisions. You don't need more decisions on top of the things that you already need help with. So the first thing we're going to go over is asking for direct help. So this is if you're someone who's grieving, give people definitive things that they can do to help. Don't be afraid to answer that question with what you actually need. Hey, I really need help letting the dogs out. I need help catching up on my laundry. I need help with meals. I need help with. Cleaning that my car, especially when we're dealing with pets, cars can be a little bit triggering, especially if there's dog hair all over your car. Try to think about ways that you really need support. And you're also allowed to just say, I just need someone to come over. I'd really love a cup of coffee. I try to tell that to everyone I know and just spread awareness about this is don't ask. Let me know what I could do to help. Tell someone, be direct. Hey, do you want to go have coffee at this time, this place? Hey, do you want to go grab lunch? I know that you really like this spot. Even offer to order for them. When I say take the decision fatigue out of it, literally make it so this person doesn't have to think. They can just show up and be there. Something else I want to mention too is how important it is to ⁓ Something else I want to mention, and it's really important, is to keep asking for help and to keep offering out support. Even if someone says no 10 times, keep asking about them. Don't let them feel forgotten, especially once that acute, immediate grief wears off to where you feel like you're planning things. Maybe you just euthanized your cat, or your friend just died, or your mom's been sick and It's more than just that week. It's more than just a month. Keep checking in with people and say, hey, if you just want to talk about them, let's just talk about them. That's something I talk a lot about within my work, is keeping their memory alive and honoring them in different ways. Something I love is just ritualizing every piece of it and saying, hey, do you mind coming with me to pick up my pet's ashes? And helping me cook a beautiful candlelit dinner in their memory. Think about how much more impactful that is than just saying, let me know. So sorry this is happening to you. Even just getting rid of the I'm sorry piece and matching it with, this really sucks, is so much more affirming than meeting someone in grief with, I don't want to say, Positivity. Cause I feel like folks, it's just this social interaction that just winds up by happening and it's not really something purposeful. But being aware of the words you're choosing and the energy you're putting forth is so important. And like I said, this is people, animals, anyone who is grieving and when you're grieving anything. Something the community really mentioned too was just showing up. Just show up for people. If you're in someone's close circle, and I mean close as in, you have a house key, you know where they live, there's someone that you get together with often. Don't be afraid to just show up. And if they're not answering their phone, come with dinner. Be able to just say, hey. I'm here to have a good meal with you, and I'm also going to do your laundry. Think about how that changes things, how that makes someone feel supported, not like a burden, because sometimes when we're asking for help too, we feel like a burden. It's sometimes shameful or guilty to be struggling days or weeks after and not being able to vacuum all the dog hair off of your floor by asking someone to just. Do that brings up a lot of weird feelings for a lot of folks. So when you're already offering to do those things, it kind of takes the kind of takes, like I'm saying, that decision out of things. Something I want to mention too, and a lot of folks might not agree with this, is don't offer to go out for drinks. Don't offer to go to the bar or to go get a glass of wine. And not for any other reason besides the health impacts. When we're talking about alcohol as a depressant, it's just not beneficial to a grieving nervous system to have alcohol introduced. When you're not sleeping well, when you already feel anxious, when you're already dysregulated, because you're gonna go home and the anxiety is gonna flush in, the guilt, the shame, the worry, the depression, the overwhelm, and it doesn't do anybody good. And the effects of alcohol last for days after. I talk about this all the time of abstaining from alcohol, lowering caffeine intake, and focusing on Nourishing warm foods. Even if we're just getting warm broths and teas, y'all. Just something warm that just helps you ground. Can even be hot water with lemon and mint. Make it really easy. But don't rely on alcohol for the quote unquote getting over things. Don't show up with a bottle of wine and dinner. Do you see what I'm saying? To help someone. And what I mean is don't show up with a bottle of wine and dinner or offer to go out for drinks or just make it so it's about disassociating and making it so we're kind of quote unquote getting over it. It's a lot more impactful to have a clear mind, as clear as you can when you're grieving, and just be in it with someone, hold space, ask if they want to talk about what they're going through. Something I love doing is asking folks for photos. Hey, do you have any photos of Something I love doing, especially if you're someone who feels like they need to make an announcement on social media. And this isn't for everybody. The people that know they want to do this know they want to do this. You can say in your social media announcement, Hey, my dog passed away. Be patient while we're grieving. Please don't say I'm sorry, but instead text me with a date and a time that you can come over for dinner. Instead, share a memory of them below in the comments and a photo you have because you're going to be surprised the photos that you get and the stories that you're going to get because you probably forgot them. That's a lot more impactful than just sharing the sadness and not not asking for any engagement back. Your community wants to hear from you. They want to share with you. They want to be there for you. Give them the opportunity. And there's nothing wrong with saying, hey, this doesn't serve me if you just say I'm sorry. Instead, share a photo. Instead, donate to my family favorite animal rescue. Be direct and have those boundaries with folks far before you feel like you need to put them in place until the quote unquote cat's out of the bag. Let it be something that flows naturally, that you're clear with people with what you want, with what you don't want. And just stand in that power of this is how you can support me. Or even saying that doesn't support me. I have a full two part series on things that can be more helpful than saying I'm sorry and I do want to read a couple of them. But if you want the full list, it's on my Instagram. And you're gonna notice a theme here. Less, just ask if you need anything and more. How about I come over at time and date? Someone else said, lots of, if there's anything you need me, someone else said, There's lots of, if there's anything else you need me to do, let me know. I'm working at a base level of I just need to get out of bed today, let alone being able to think of anything else. To those who acted and dropped groceries at the door and cleaned my house without offering suggestions, they're the real one. Someone else said, Jeebers, that sucks. I don't want to dwell on things, but yeah, it helps sometimes to have someone affirm the shitty feelings while everyone else is either kid gloving you or trying to quote unquote stay positive. So do you see what I mean? These are actual people within the community being like, hey, this didn't help. Here's what to do instead. Someone else said, when my husband died, I told family and friends I needed to be alone. I'm neurodivergent and was not sure how to process what I was going through. But a few days after his funeral, a carload of my friends showed up. There was a moment of panic when they stepped on my porch, but it melted within seconds. Two started in the kitchen, one did the laundry, one cleaned off my couch where I'd been sleeping for four months. One took stock and went to the grocery store, and I am forever grateful. So you'll notice a pattern within all these stories that no one said, let me know if I could help was helpful. It's affirmative action. It's ways to support your community. And the only way we get better at this as a society is if we talk about it and then change our actions. So the next time someone around you is grieving, a person, their animal companion, instead of your knee-jerk reaction to be saying, I'm sorry, let me know if there's anything I can do to help, think about this podcast. If there's someone in your life that just lost an animal, save this that way you can reference back and know how to support them. And especially if you know if it's looming in the future, save this that way you can come back to it and have the ability to advocate for what you need. Have some boundaries that are just able to support you. This is what it's about to grieve in public and still be powerful is being able to. Uphold those boundaries that best serve you and that future version of yourself. And like I said, I have both version and like I mentioned, there's part and like I mentioned, there's part one and part two already on my Instagram. And if you can think of any other ones, let me know. I want to make a resource list of things to say for when you're grieving and how to answer that question of let me know what I can do to help. And ways to support those around you that are grieving with preloaded questions. That way, if you feel like this is something new, and don't worry also. If you do mess up, if you say that, and then text them an hour later and be like, Wow, that was really dismissive of me. Actually I'd really like to come over and drop off some frozen food that I made. And food. And let me know in my DMs or commenting on part one and part two of I'm sorry for your loss, what else to say. Because I wanna have a resource for grievers. That way they know how to put up better boundaries, how to support themselves in time of loss, and for folks that are in community with folks that are hit with grief. That way you have a list of preloaded questions of how to support those around you. Because when you're first learning how to navigate this change of conversation and change in vocabulary, you're going to mess up. It's just natural. But that way, if you have a list of things to say and maybe you mess up and maybe you do say, I'm sorry, and then walk away from that person, there's nothing wrong with texting them and saying, hey, that was actually kind of unthoughtful of me. How about we go out to dinner in a week or so? And see how we're doing and check in with each other. I'm gonna check in with you once or twice before then just to make sure everything's okay and change the tune of things. The only way that we're gonna care for our community in a better way is to make actionable change. So let me know your favorite thing to say instead of I'm sorry, or the thing that was most helpful for you that maybe you didn't expect to be so helpful, but it was something that really stuck with you and changed your life. My name is Courtney. I'm the holistic pet grief guide, and I use tools like astrology, herbalism, gentle movement to help you support yourself and realize that you don't have to feel powerless in grief, that you can grieve in public and still be the most powerful person in the room. You can use tools like astrology to figure out your path forward. It helps answer that question of who am I now? What do I do moving forward? And it gives you a gentle nudge of the path of least resistance. It helps answer some questions. We get to talk about past life occurrences, our karma, things that are maybe hiding in the background of our subconscious that are waiting to come out because grief does that. Makes you unravel into a completely new person in astrology and herbs help you regather yourself with intention. So if there are any questions about that, let me know. I'm always here to help. I'll talk to you soon. Bye.