Latest / The Gill Athletics Track and Field Connections Podcast / #37: Gill1918 presents Dr. Simone Erdner Part 2 "Dear Coach"

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#37: Gill1918 presents Dr. Simone Erdner Part 2 "Dear Coach" · The Gill Athletics Track and Field Connections Podcast

0:00
Welcome to the Gill 1918 Project, a podcast series by
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coaches, for coaches powered by Gill Athletics.
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Think of this as the Ted Talks of track and field coaching.
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Short, insightful, and packed with valuable strategies to help
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you grow as a coach. We'll bring in the once a year
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Everyone's welcome to participate.
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Check out the show notes below For more information.
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Now let's get into today's topic.
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So an example of this is this is the team culture and you as an
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athlete have to adhere to this culture.
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And if you don't, we're going to let you go because you're not a
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good cultural fit. The issue with that is that
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culture is so much deeper than that culture is when there is a
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psychological component to it. So let's say you are a coach for
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at the high school level, university level, whatever, and
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these athletes come in and you are using culture in a very
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prescriptive nature. This is the culture and you have
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to adhere to it or else every single body, every person that
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comes onto your team was born into their own respective
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cultures. Not just said international
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culture, but like I'll use myself an example.
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I was born into a Southern Baptist southern home in the
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state of Alabama. I identify currently as a
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cisgender female. I'm white.
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The only thing outwardly going against me is that I am, I do
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present as a woman. So that's definitely had its
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challenges. But for the most part, I I now
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identify as non religious. I've identified as more
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spiritual. All of these journeys, the
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things that I grew up around, which also involve and
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encapsulate the narratives that we learned growing up.
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As a more specific example, I was taught in the church and
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also living in the South that to be a quote, UN quote, good
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woman, meant to be meek, meant to be mild, meant to not be a
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leader, meant to be submissive to men.
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And what's funny is I'm none of those things, not in a like I'm
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mad at men, but just in AI always felt like a perversion of
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a good woman. And when I was younger, I
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really, really fought to try like I thought something was
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wrong with me. I tried to pray away how I
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commanded space when I walked into a room.
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I tried to never take leadership positions and how this might
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translate for you. Coaches that actually work with,
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with women is I've had athletes before in a psychological
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setting, working as a certified mental performance coach, that
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when we're talking about confidence, some of them really,
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really struggle because how we define confidence in the world
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is very counter to the narratives we grew up with as
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not all women, but some women grew up with on what being what
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confidence meant. And for me specifically in some
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of the athletes I've worked with, confidence is often a
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like, well, I'm not supposed to be confident.
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That wasn't taught to me. So you could be working with
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athletes that maybe you're yelling at them to be more
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confident. They have confidence issues, but
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because of the culture they grew up in, it's not safe or
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permitted to be confident as a woman.
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They have to be all these things.
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They have to be submissive, whatever it is.
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So that's just one example. So your culture, to prescribe a
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culture on to the athletes is the kind of #1 no, no, really,
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your culture is built based upon the bodies that currently
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encapsulate it. And anytime you add a member or
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you just subtract a member, the culture changes.
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So it's less about this is the culture we've always had, this
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is the tradition we've always had.
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And it's more about coming together and talking about what
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is the culture for each team and everybody being on board with
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it, What makes people feel safe, what doesn't make people feel
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safe. So that was something that I
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really read into into the book itself on.
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It's not prescribing culture, but it is talking to the team
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about what they want the culture to be.
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And that does include diversity, equity and inclusion.
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That includes all the the multicultural factors that are
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nuanced and beautiful within each team and making sure that
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they are represented in a way that feels safe for each
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individual member. So there was there was that
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another thing that I also read talking about empathy is that we
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have a lot and I love this. There is no, please do not read
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into this that I'm shooting this down.
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I think this is wonderful, wonderful, wonderful.
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We've seen a rise in athlete mental health initiatives.
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I love it. We have athletes that are openly
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speaking about mental health, but I also think that we need to
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talk about some of the reasoning why those mental health
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initiatives came into play was because we had athletes that
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were killing themselves. And So what I fear, and there's
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research out there that's over in the UK of other research that
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are spearheading this on coach burnout.
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Maybe that resonates with you as a coach.
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You're like, yeah, I'm burning a candle at both ends every day.
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I can't spend time with my family.
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There is really no work life balance.
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Maybe I go really hard for 7 to 8 months and I get the quote UN
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quote offseason. But I feel like I'm, I'm like a
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bear and I'm hibernating during that time.
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So I really don't get super quality time with my family.
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So the coaching burnout is real. And what we fear is, are we only
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going to care about coaching mental health initiatives?
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When a coach martyrs their own life, when a coach kills
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themselves because they can't handle it anymore?
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A lot of what these athletes talking about when they shifted
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into the empathetic approach was, well, when I when I try to
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stand next to my coach and imagine what it was like to be
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in his or her shoes. I can't imagine how hard it was
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to get the diagnosis of a terminal cancer and then also
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have to show up every day and coach.
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I can't imagine what it what it even is like.
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Maybe not even something that grand, but just every single
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day, seven days a week, showing up, being there from 5:00 AM
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until 6-7. They have a family at home.
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The sacrifices they're having to make.
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Maybe you're not getting paid. That's my assumption.
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You're not getting paid well. And because the hiring,
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retention and firing process is largely determined by the XS and
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OS, by the wins and losses that they're not even really
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incentivized to care about their own well-being.
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They are just there to be like, we have to win, we have to win,
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we have to win. Me being able to put food on the
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table for my family is we have to win.
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So to me, athlete mental health initiatives are just a Band-Aid
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approach because so many of these athletes talked about the
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trickle down effect, even as a mental performance consultant.
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And I'm going to say something here that might, it's coming
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from a place of empathy, but I got to say it.
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We have to be honest to be able to have forward movement in my
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years working in a mental as a mental performance consultant at
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the collegiate level, at the professional level, at the
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Olympic level, even some at the youth level, which I don't.
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I'm not an expert in the youth level necessarily, but I've
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dabbled, let's say so much of the athletes coming in with
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confidence issues, with anxiety issues with whatever it might
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be. I would go out on a limb to say
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80% of those problems are being exacerbated by the coach because
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the coach themselves doesn't have their own confidence under
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their control, their own anxiety under their control, their own
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focus under control. They are burnt out.
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They're burning the candle at both ends.
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And because of that, their frustration might be a little
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bit higher. More is at stake for a
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particular game potentially. So they're coming in a little
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bit more hot headed and that's not actually helping the
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athletes optimal performance. It's not helping their mental
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performance, it's actually hurting them more.
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And so much of our sessions with athletes would be how they can
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manage the coach, right? So it's not a how can we just
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help you with your mental erformance?
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It's how can we deal with the coach O it's a Band-Aid
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approach. And I share that from such a
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loving space because again, you have so much on your plate.
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So how are we failing you? Not showing up for you?
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And when I'm reading between the lines of these letters and
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they're talking about the trickle down effect and how if
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they didn't have to put energy toward trying to manage the
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coach, they could put that energy towards their own mental
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game, their own optimal performance that would actually
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get you as the coach, the results you want.
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So you can have a a higher winning season, you can get
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better XS and OS out of the athletes.
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So that's when I'm coming in being like this is interesting.
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You know something more specifically, a couple years ago
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I was looking into some coaching education materials for a
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particular organization and I loved they had coach mental
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coach well-being as one of the six modules, which was
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wonderful. But optically the IT was the
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last module. It was like, here, this is how
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you can be a good coach. Module 1, module 2, module 3,
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blah blah. Then it was like, Oh yeah, the
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optics were Oh yeah, and please make sure you care about your
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mental health. Well, to me, if I'm a coach and
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I'm standing next to a coach trying to think, you know, what
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would they be thinking here? You're just like, oh, lol, yeah,
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sure care about my well-being. But we there's nothing else that
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really hold you accountable to caring about your well-being.
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The hiring, retention and firing process doesn't ask you about
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your well-being and doesn't uphold you to that.
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We don't have coach mental health initiatives out there to
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the same degree we have athlete mental health initiatives.
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So if we look at the communication, so the non verbal
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communication at the systemic level, it is very much non
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verbally communicating that we're going to say you should
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care about your well-being, but we're not actually going to
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support you through it. So one of the things again, when
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I as an expert, not the expert, so I'm not diagnostic here, I'm
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not prescriptive here is very much how can we match 1 to 1 the
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athlete mental health initiatives to the coach mental
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health initiatives and also createspace for them to happen.
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Maybe that is hiring more certified mental performance
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consultant, sports psychologist, licensed social workers within
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the collegiate space, within the high school space to not only be
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able to actually show up for the amount of athletes that are
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there, but also to create a program that are for the
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coaches. If we have more coaches
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demonstrating to care about their mental health, talk about
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those mirror neurons, how much is that going to permit and
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actually demonstrate to athletes that, oh look, my coach is a
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powerful person and they also care about their mental health.
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It's going to help bust the stigma.
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It's also going to give us emotionally and mentally
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healthier coaches. So something that is interesting
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is that we're lacking resources. And I know a lot of coaches,
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like I've seen it, it's like they'll get, maybe they get to
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work early at 5:00 so they can get their work out in and then
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work actually starts at six. So the coaches might be sitting
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there caring about their physical health.
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And and again, there is research that shows being physically
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healthy and working out helps with depression, helps with
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anxiety. Sure, right.
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But we that cannot be the only intervention because if we don't
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actually dive head on into the emotional, into the mental
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aspect of what's going on. So not trying to come at it from
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the physical, but coming at it from the emotional and the
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mental, that's going to actually help us create mentally and
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emotionally healthier coaches in and of themselves.
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So this is not me talking about you being a means to an end,
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because I can imagine that you might feel like that at times
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because you were a means to an end for the athlete to perform
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so you can get the wins, so you can keep your job.
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But us dealing and talking to you, providing you resources as
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a means in and of yourself, like you matter in and of yourself.
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And I think this book, the journey that I took to writing
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it, where I started out as, where I was coming in and being
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really prescriptive, telling you what to get out of the letter to
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what it's morphed into now, which is me calling you into a
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conversation so that we can make a change.
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A very necessary change that not only cares about you, but that
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cares about sport administrators.
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Everybody at some point was an athlete once that then turned
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coach, that then potentially turned sport administrator.
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How can we open up channels of communication, healthy
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communication that uses empathy, unconditional positive regard,
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and authenticity so that we can actually see a cultural shift to
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higher levels of optimal performance?
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But optimal performance itself is the residual effect.
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If we place winning and losing at the center, we are less
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likely to actually achieve it at a level that we would like to.
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But when we play psychological well-being and safety at as the
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center focal point, healthier relationships, mentally stronger
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coaches, a residual effect will be that we will see the optimal
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performance results that we are wanting to see.
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I understand that asking this shift is a very vulnerable one
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because we largely live, especially, you know, I'm
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speaking as a person who grew up in the United States of America,
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that we live in a society that does not necessarily encourage
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emotional maturity, mental health, especially for men.
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Sport was created in the United States.
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It was created for men, by men to produce better men.
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And this goes back to when we saw Europeans that were coming
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over to America and America was wanting to assimilate those men
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to become better warriors within the military.
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That's when sport was born so that we could physically work
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out to the point that we could get people to be ready for
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combat. So again, sport was built by men
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for men to produce better men. Of course, we see Title 9 coming
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in 1972. Love it.
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It provided me opportunity as a woman.
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But one of the issues that I also talk about is the fact that
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when Title 9 came about, it was wonderful.
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It provided access, but we didn't at the same time question
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how sport was built. So then what we did is we asked
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women to come in. We permitted that.
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It was celebratory. Throw the confetti in the air,
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love it, love it, love it. But then we were asking those
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women to assimilate to a man's world without discussing how can
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we create this space to be psychologically safe for all
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involved. So it's not just saying oh we
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need to care about women and men.
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Y'all are the problem Because men, I am here to tell you
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something. We have also failed you as a
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society. You did not get the privilege
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like some other people did to grow up to be emotional beings.
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We are all emotional beings. Emotions are neutral.
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We as a society have labeled them as good or bad, right or
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wrong. That is not the case.
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By doing that, we have actually been brushing emotions under the
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rug that we can actually use to help fuel in an optimal adaptive
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way our performance. So there's a book out there,
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very powerful book. I recommend it to everyone.
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So again, this isn't me just about promoting my book, but I
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just feel very called to actually share this with some of
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you. There is a book by bell hooks
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their name. That's their pen name.
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It's all lowercase BELL space hooks.
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HO OK. S an African American feminist
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scholar that died way too soon. I don't I don't cry for most
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people that die that I don't know.
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But I definitely cried when she died because the the knowledge
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she brought, the empathy that she had towards men.
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She's a fourth wave feminist and 4th wave feminism isn't burning
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your bras and saying that men are the problem and that we need
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to shift from a patriarchy to a matriarchy.
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She came in and said men are just as marginalized, but we
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live in a society where we try to ignore that.
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So men, boys become men through injury.
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They become men through being the emotion being beat out of
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you as a child. And so I'm I'm sharing this as a
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way in the book that she wrote is called the will to change
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men, masculinity and love. So bell hooks is the author.
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The book is the will to change men, masculinity and love.
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And it's everybody should read it, not just men.
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It called me into a conversation as a woman.
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It held me accountable to how I even implicitly am upholding A
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patriarchal society and upholding a society that
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actually causes less psychological safety.
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And that's what I'm hoping my book, dear coach, what I Wish I
17:23
could have Told you Letters from Your Athlete does because when I
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sat another story that's coming to me right now, I was at a end
17:30
of the year banquet. I was sitting at a table of a
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bunch of coaches. They were asking me how the book
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was going. And I said, you know, I'm really
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shifting into this empathy space where we have really failed you
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as coaches. And I'm trying to write the book
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in a way that empathizes with you as a coach, not at a
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societal level to say that let's just acknowledge and accept
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where we are at right now, which is that we are not as mentally
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healthy as we can be. We're not as emotionally as
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mature as we can be because you as a coach just have to show up
18:03
and perform. You have to swallow whatever
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really hard news that you got or challenging thing you're dealing
18:09
at home and you just have to show up and coach.
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And one of these coaches, their eyes started watering.
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They took their glasses off and they were wiping their eyes.
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And I said, what's coming up for you?
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And he was like, I've never had somebody acknowledge.
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And then they went into this story and they started sharing
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with the other coaches that a former athlete of theirs had
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recently passed away, but nobody really knew about it.
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And he didn't feel comfortable bringing it up because he didn't
18:30
know how it would be received. And he felt this pressure that
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he needed to be strong for the athletes.
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And, and I just that moment for me was very validating because I
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felt like, yes, absolutely. How much and maybe some of you
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are resonating with us. And I really feel like I'm
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getting emotional talking about this because I'm so sorry.
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And this is what's really fueling my passion is wanting to
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show up for you better. And I hope when you read the
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book, dear Coach, what I wish I could have told you, letters
19:06
from your athletes, that you read it from an objective space,
19:11
that you read it from AI, wrote this to call us all into a
19:15
conversation to discuss changes that we need to make.
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And I would love as we move forward beyond these podcast
19:21
episodes for us to actually get around a table and discuss
19:25
changes. And some of those changes, as I
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spoke about, are the need for coach mental health initiatives
19:32
at maybe even at least matching what we're doing for athletes,
19:35
if not allowing more space for them, rediscussing the
19:39
parameters that are around the hiring, retention and firing
19:42
process of coaches. I, I provide an example and I'm
19:46
by no means saying that this is the actual thing we need to do.
19:49
But as a professor, I have into the course evaluations from the
19:52
students. And I understand that there,
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there's some nuances there, like as a professor, I don't have
19:56
that students every single year, but but this is something I
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would bring to the table to say, hey, like, how could we maybe
20:02
use this mechanism that we use in academia?
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And let's change it some, of course.
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But but what? How might that be able to help
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let athletes feel like they have more voice and their voices
20:12
actually do matter to where we have at the end of the year,
20:16
evaluations for coaches asking specific questions that are
20:20
informed by research, that are informed by the humanistic
20:23
approach. So that we do evaluate our
20:25
coaches on how much they're using a humanistic approach.
20:28
And if they're really getting a failing letter grade on treating
20:32
these athletes with dignity and empathy and unconditional
20:35
positive regard and authenticity, then should they
20:38
be coaching because is it worth it?
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To what extent? And I'm not saying we should
20:44
throw wins and losses out. I mean, that's some of what
20:47
makes sport a beautiful place. But to martyr athletes bodies
20:52
and their own mental health and their own emotional well-being
20:54
just to get the win and coaches bodies it, it begs the question
21:00
of is it how much are we centering the win off the backs
21:07
of somebody's bodies? And some of these letters do
21:09
discuss. They're written retroactively,
21:11
some of them, and they do talk about the damage that sport that
21:16
the coach, because they weren't held to these humanistic
21:19
standards still have upon them today.
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And maybe you resonate too. Maybe you had a really abusive
21:25
coach situation and there's things that are still coming up
21:28
for you. So again, this book is not
21:33
prescriptive in nature. It offers some of my feedback on
21:37
things that the shifts that I think we need to change
21:39
culturally. It does offer a good amount of
21:43
research that's entered to support my claims.
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But I do would love for you to read the book.
21:49
Dear coach, what I wish I could have told you Letters from your
21:52
athlete that's written by me, Doctor Sarah Urdner.
21:56
And you can purchase the book anywhere that that's your
21:59
preference of purchasing it. I also have a website
22:01
calleddearcoachbook.com. Pretty simple, something that I
22:06
worked really hard on with my publisher was actually getting
22:10
and I'm very proud and excited to tell you all this.
22:13
You can find this both on my website.
22:14
I'm also going to share it and hopefully have it in the show
22:17
notes. Just a separate link.
22:19
So it's a link to a free e-book download.
22:22
So I just transitioned into being an e-book reader and I
22:26
still miss my physical books, but I live in a 500 square foot
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cabin with my partner and three animals.
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Like we really have to live a minimalist lifestyle.
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So this ebook has really been great for me.
22:36
I hope if you have one, just know that there's a free
22:39
download for you. You can find it on the website
22:42
dearcoachbook.com. If you go to it, Scroll down
22:45
just a little bit. You'll see that in the kind of
22:47
the middle of that homepage on the right hand side, there's the
22:52
link for you to download, but I'm also going to hopefully
22:54
share it and have that link separate for you to download
22:57
yourself if you would like. You're more than welcome on the
23:01
Dear coachbook.com. There's a way for you to get in
23:03
contact with me If you wanted to continue this discussion, if you
23:08
want to talk about having one-on-one mentorship sessions
23:11
with me to work with you as a coach on how to twofold enhance
23:15
your optimal performance as a performer yourself.
23:18
So you also have focus, confidence, motivation, anxiety,
23:23
all those things. So let's talk about working on
23:25
you as a performer yourself and that can trickle down to your
23:28
athletes. But also just discussing your
23:31
coaching philosophy, talking about the book itself.
23:34
If you even want to talk about there's things on the the
23:37
website dearcoachbook.com. You can order the book in bulk.
23:42
They're all signed copies by me. If you want to start a book club
23:45
with other coaches that are in your community, if you want to
23:48
bring me in, I love book clubs. Oh my gosh, again, I feel like I
23:53
am a facilitator. I am not a prescriber of what we
23:57
should do. Let's facilitate a space where
23:59
we can come together and really feel empowered to make this
24:02
change. So if you want to bring me in
24:04
for a one off, like let's do a book club and all come together
24:07
and chat, I would also love to do that.
24:10
There's a multitude of ways that I would love to be engaged with
24:14
you and your team. So you can go to
24:15
dearcoachbook.com. You can get in contact with me
24:18
that way. You can order the book from
24:20
there and you can also download the free e-book for you to be
24:24
able to again access issues. You know, we're we're living in
24:27
a fun little time right now with inflation.
24:29
So if if that free e-book is for you, you can share that link far
24:34
and wide. Please, please, please.
24:36
But I hope this episode has brought value to you.
24:40
And if you want to discuss more again, I am available to you and
24:43
I look forward to hearing from you.
24:45
And to end this episode, I'll, I just want to say wherever you
24:50
are, just take a deep breath in through your nose, maybe even
24:56
holding it at the top for a second and then even slower on
25:00
your exhale out your mouth and one more time for good measure
25:11
in through your nose, filling the entire capacity of your
25:15
lungs. And then when you're ready, at
25:18
your own pace, grounding yourself more in this moment, I
25:24
encourage you to stay with that rhythm, the deep inhale, full
25:29
exhale, at your own pace for however long you need.
25:32
And I wish you so much goodness and Wellness as you move into
25:36
the rest of your day. I am here for you.
25:40
I'm advocating for you as the coach as much as I'm advocating
25:43
for the athlete. I am advocating for sport as a
25:46
whole. I hope you have a wonderful rest
25:49
of your day. Hey gang, Mike Cunningham here.
25:51
Hey, I hope you enjoyed this episode of the Guild 1918
25:55
Project series. It's really my mission, my
25:58
passion to bring you massive amounts of value and I hope this
26:02
one hit the mark. The Gill 1918 Project is really
26:06
dependent on you if for you to build your own episode, to hear
26:10
your voice, to have your voice heard you have something to say
26:13
and teach other coaches out there.
26:15
So please get a hold of me, e-mail, text message, Twitter,
26:20
smoke signals, get a hold of me and let's help create your
26:23
episode of the Guild 1918 Project.
26:25
Hope you enjoy today, they will see you tomorrow.