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Sober Talk SA - Di -10th Sobriety Birthday · Sober Talk SA

• 0:00
  Welcome to Sober Talk. I'm Dennis and I'm an alcoholic.
• 0:04
  Soap dear. Thanks to Alcoholics Anonymous.
• 0:08
  If you or anyone you know is struggling with alcohol, please
• 0:11
  call Alcoholics Anonymous on 1300 double 22222.
• 0:17
  I'll visit their website ata.org dot AU.
• 0:24
  I'll just run through the preamble of Alcoholics
• 0:27
  Anonymous. Alcoholics Anonymous is a
• 0:29
  fellowship of people who share the experience, strengthen hope
• 0:33
  with each other that they may solve their common problems, and
• 0:37
  help with us to recover from alcoholism.
• 0:40
  The only requirement for membership is the desire to stop
• 0:43
  drinking and no dues of fees. Fair membership.
• 0:46
  We are self supporting through our own contributions.
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  He is not alive with any sect, denomination, politics,
• 0:54
  organization or institution, does not wish to engage in any
• 0:58
  controversy, either endorses or oppose any causes.
• 1:03
  Our primary purpose is to stay sober and help.
• 1:06
  Other Alcoholics are chiefs of Brady.
• 1:08
  Hi, I'm Diane. I'm an alcoholic.
• 1:12
  I love. Talking about the.
• 1:14
  Spiritual side of. My journey and about this
• 1:18
  program. Funnily enough, it was.
• 1:22
  It was. The God word that put me off
• 1:25
  coming to a a world, one amongst many excuses.
• 1:28
  Probably just didn't want to stop drinking, but.
• 1:32
  You know I. I knew I had a problem a couple
• 1:36
  of years before I finally got here and I Googled a a, you
• 1:40
  know, I'd seen it on the movies and and there seemed to be a lot
• 1:43
  of the God word on the website and the thought, yeah, no, I
• 1:48
  don't think so. And yet, today, ten years on
• 1:53
  from my first meeting, I realized I could.
• 1:56
  Not. Live without God, my concept of
• 2:00
  God. I love the fact that this
• 2:02
  program allows us to have our own conception of God.
• 2:06
  And so I'd like to tell you a bit more about that spiritual
• 2:12
  journey and how I came to be loving that spiritual side so
• 2:18
  much compared to when I hated it so much before I got here.
• 2:23
  And when I first got here so early in my life, you know, I
• 2:27
  did the Sunday school till I was about 5 or 6.
• 2:31
  But then in my teenage years, I lived with my mum for a short
• 2:38
  while and she was a priest in the Anglican Church and I, I
• 2:42
  went to church with her and, and I really, I really felt a
• 2:47
  connection when I was in church to, to God, where the religious
• 2:54
  God that was part of that environment, but a number of
• 3:00
  things. Happened to me.
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  Through that religious connection, which I really
• 3:07
  didn't like. And so I turned away from the
• 3:11
  church. So so he turned away from my
• 3:14
  mum. And so I had this conception
• 3:18
  that that God and religion and all things related to that were
• 3:23
  really bad. And so, you know, if a a meant
• 3:26
  that I needed to, to believe in God and, and to, you know, be a
• 3:34
  disciple or be a follower of this God figure, then I didn't
• 3:38
  want to go there. But but you know.
• 3:42
  From when I first. Googled a A until when I finally
• 3:45
  got here. Was probably about two years.
• 3:48
  Things were pretty bad when I did the Googling, but I can tell
• 3:51
  you two more years of trying to fix it myself drove me to the
• 3:57
  edge. You know, that jumping off point
• 4:00
  they referred to, I definitely couldn't live life anymore.
• 4:05
  I, you know, in my mind, it, it needed to go.
• 4:09
  I needed to sign out because I couldn't cope anymore.
• 4:14
  And, and The funny thing was that when I became very, very
• 4:19
  sure that I needed to end my life, there was something very
• 4:25
  strong and very bright popped up inside of me.
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  It's hard to describe. I see it now as as my higher
• 4:35
  power. But then I I couldn't work out
• 4:38
  what it was. But this voice said, yeah, not
• 4:41
  yet, not yet. There's more to life.
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  You are. You know, quite a.
• 4:47
  Happy. Positive.
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  Person you, it's not time to sign out yet.
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  There is hope. There is.
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  There is a different way of living life.
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  And I thought, where the hell did that come from?
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  I've tried and tried and tried. There is nothing else.
• 5:02
  And I guess it was like a pilot light that was still on.
• 5:07
  And, you know, so in those last few days before I got here, I,
• 5:16
  my cousin is my best friend and she was my best drinking buddy.
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  And, and from time to time, you know, once a month or whatever,
• 5:24
  we get together for a real big Bender together.
• 5:27
  And so ANZAC Day 2016, she came over and we had this, this
• 5:34
  massive Bender, you know, 3 bottles of champagne, 5 bottles
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  of red wine. We put it away and.
• 5:42
  About 3 O clock. In the morning she said to me, I
• 5:45
  think I'll go to bed now. You know, like when like
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  slurring and falling all over the table, think I go to bed
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  now. And I said, oh.
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  Before you go, I have to tell. You.
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  This is it for me. She looked at me and I said on
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  Tuesday night I'm going to an AA meeting.
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  She's like, what? Pour me another drink?
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  You can't do that. Are you serious?
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  And you know, and. I was such a relief to say it
• 6:22
  out loud. I've had it.
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  I'm sick and. Tired of it and, and I know that
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  if I don't do this, then I'm not going to be around for long.
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  And incidentally, later this year she will also celebrate her
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  10th birthday, for which I am. Very, very thankful and, and so.
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  Off I went. I old gate was my initial Home
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  group. It's in a little shed.
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  At that time it wasn't air conditioned.
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  I was very blooming cold. You know, I, I.
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  Came a few. Minutes after the meeting
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  started, I. Snuck in the door and I sat in
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  the. Closest chair possible to the
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  door. You know, very, very feeling
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  very sick and sorry for myself and and you all started to talk
• 7:15
  and one after. The other.
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  You. You told me all.
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  About my disease. You had the same.
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  Disease. I couldn't.
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  Believe it, I really. Couldn't believe it.
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  I, you know, it was like I was a Martian on Earth, you know, you
• 7:30
  nobody understands me. Nobody knows me.
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  My life sucks and. And there you were.
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  You know each and every person. Of course, the stories.
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  Were completely different, but they were exactly the same.
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  They had the same underlying message.
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  And I remember feeling this huge amount of relief, you know?
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  Oh, wow, there's hope, you know, you.
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  Look at these people. They they weren't only there.
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  And people talked of significant periods of sobriety.
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  Not that I could really conceive of that aspect of it, but they
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  looked happy. They were laughing for God's
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  sake. You know how?
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  Can you tell these? Tragic stories and laugh so much
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  and and I just thought oh wow wow wow wow and then.
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  As they talked. More and more I had this
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  horrible dread. I had such a, a downer because
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  they all talked about just for today, not having a drink, you
• 8:31
  know, But I can't live without alcohol.
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  I, you know, it's impossible. I've tried.
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  I don't know what you do, but it's not going to work for me
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  because I can't live without alcohol.
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  And so then the tears and the self pity started and somehow I
• 8:50
  stayed in the meeting. You know, my normal MO when I
• 8:55
  was in those drinking days was to do a runner.
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  You know when the going gets tough, you just leave, you know?
• 9:01
  Somehow. I sat in that room.
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  Well, of course I know now how I sat in that room.
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  My higher power held me, you know, lovingly and.
• 9:10
  And so at the end of the meeting, several.
• 9:11
  People came towards me. You know, and they said, are you
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  new? And I said, yes, this is my
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  first meeting. And and they said, oh, did you
• 9:21
  connect? And, and you know, then the
• 9:23
  tears started again. Yes, absolutely.
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  I'm an alcoholic and they said we'll.
• 9:29
  Keep coming back, you know. And I said.
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  There's no point. It's not going to.
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  Work I I cannot live the rest of my life without.
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  Alcohol and and they said, Oh no, we don't live the rest of
• 9:43
  our lives without alcohol. We just Live Today without
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  alcohol. And then you just keep coming
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  back. And I didn't really.
• 9:52
  Get what they were talking about, but they gave me the
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  yellow card. And I took like. 10 copies.
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  I had it in every jeans pocket, the bags under my pillow and
• 10:02
  everything. If they said that was what I
• 10:04
  needed. Just for today, so.
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  They showed me the cover. This is just for today in those.
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  Days the Serenity Prayer was on the back.
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  Cover and and they said, you know, this serenity prayer helps
• 10:18
  so much of us, but it's just for today, even if you just remember
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  that. So I had these cards everywhere
• 10:23
  in the glove box. And anyway, and then somebody
• 10:27
  said look. Here's a tea towel, do you mind?
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  Going in the kitchen and helping dry the dishes with
• 10:35
  flabbergasted wow, you know, beg.
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  A pardon, but. You know, I didn't want to be
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  rude, so I went and did it and you know, that became my little
• 10:44
  jobby and and then the secretary said to me when I finished doing
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  the dishes, she said, oh. I want to go.
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  To a meeting on Saturday at Mount Barker, but my car's being
• 10:56
  serviced, can you please? Come, here's my address and
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  phone number. Can you please come and give?
• 11:01
  Me a lift I haven't. Decided if I went, yeah.
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  OK, then no worries. And then I picked her up and she
• 11:07
  said, oh, there's another lady who needs a lift as well, can
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  we? So I was given all these.
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  Jobs to do and then and then that was Saturday and then.
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  They said, oh, we want to go to the women's meeting on Sunday.
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  Would you mind very much? Oh my goodness.
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  And yeah, at the Sunday. Meeting I met my.
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  Sponsor who is? Still my sponsor today.
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  You know, I listened to her share.
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  She was quiet. And calm and she seemed to have
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  such serenity and peace, but very authentic as well.
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  You know, she, she didn't hold back on anything, You know, she,
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  she really told her how it was, you know, but still she had this
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  peace and serenity. And I asked her if she'd be my
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  sponsor. And it's really funny.
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  And she said, oh, well, actually I'm pretty busy at the moment.
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  I've sort of been saying no. To sponsors, she said.
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  But I'm getting a. Very strong.
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  Message from my higher power that I need to say yes.
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  So yes, it is, you know. And yeah, she took.
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  Me. She took me through the big
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  book. And, you know, and she showed a
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  lot of tough love because I was very willful and very stubborn,
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  didn't want to do everything that she said.
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  I thought the. Big Book was the most obtuse
• 12:29
  thing I'd ever read. Couldn't understand any of it,
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  and I thought it could be written much better.
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  I thought there. Was quite a few.
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  Things that needed changing. But she was so patient.
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  And she said, oh, let's just stick with the book for now, you
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  know? Yeah.
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  And then yeah. And she you know.
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  I was so desperate. When I got there that I
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  basically I knew I. Had to agree.
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  To do whatever I was told or that I didn't do 90 and 90.
• 13:01
  I still feel a bit guilty about that anyway.
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  And but you know, otherwise I you know if she said meet.
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  Once a week, go through the book, do these things, write
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  this down, phone people, whatever.
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  I thought I better do it and. Then I thought, of course, being
• 13:18
  me, I'll do it. Really, really well, I'll be the
• 13:21
  best student A A's ever had. You know, all obsessive.
• 13:26
  So, and of course then I went ahead full pelt.
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  I'll, I'll show her I know how to do this and all that sort of
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  thing. And so I did a lot of lot of
• 13:35
  talking. And not a lot of listening, but.
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  Again, she was patient. And you know.
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  She did say once, would you mind not interrupting me all the
• 13:47
  time? Said it so nicely.
• 13:52
  But, you know, so we started the steps and of course, step #2 I
• 13:57
  had to come straight up. Face to face with.
• 14:00
  This God concept and I didn't think I was insane.
• 14:05
  So it wasn't much point in the rest of the step anyway, but you
• 14:09
  know. You said we had to talk through.
• 14:12
  You know what that may look like a bit, and anyway, she said.
• 14:16
  Perhaps you just need to go through with, you know, steps
• 14:19
  two and three and accept that more will be revealed down the
• 14:23
  track, you know? Let's not get hung up.
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  Too much. This has worked for lots of.
• 14:29
  People and you know a few of the things that.
• 14:32
  She said to me about this God concept.
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  One was that I thought just blew me away was she said, you know,
• 14:41
  handing over your life to God and surrendering to the belief
• 14:48
  that a higher power can do for you what you can't do for
• 14:53
  yourself. It's a bit like jumping off a
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  Cliff and. Believing you'll be saved.
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  And I thought, well, that doesn't sound.
• 15:02
  Any more doable and but you know I.
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  Listened and and of. Course it it takes time.
• 15:11
  Well, I don't know if it does for everybody.
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  It took me a long time, but the more time went on.
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  If I just kept on showing up. A meeting with her, even.
• 15:19
  If it was lip service. Even if I didn't.
• 15:22
  Fully understand even. If I didn't listen very well, if
• 15:25
  I just. Kept on coming back.
• 15:27
  Slowly, stuff sunk. In you know, and, and another
• 15:34
  thing that she said to me, she was a little bit more frustrated
• 15:38
  that day. But still very patient and very
• 15:39
  kind and compassionate, she said.
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  Well can when the sun is setting are you able to stop it?
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  And I said no. And she said.
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  Well, there's a. Higher power than you.
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  OK. Yeah, good.
• 15:56
  Point. I can't argue with that.
• 15:58
  Anyway, so the story goes on. And you.
• 16:01
  Know you I I did my 4th. Step.
• 16:05
  I started it when I was about 8 months sober.
• 16:09
  I I felt like that first eight months, it was very much pink.
• 16:12
  Cloud for me, you know. I guess.
• 16:15
  Some of it was because I was still.
• 16:17
  Oblivious to other people and their.
• 16:19
  Opinions I hadn't started. Looking back over history, I
• 16:23
  just knew. That I could sleep better, I did
• 16:26
  better at work. I I had more money available
• 16:32
  which I spent on doing. Up my home.
• 16:35
  I had a better. Relationship.
• 16:36
  With my kids and stuff like that, so.
• 16:38
  It felt pretty. Good, you know, and I thought,
• 16:41
  you know, I think I'm just about done here, you know, and and
• 16:46
  then. We got to the fourth step.
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  Now you think 8. Months to do the first.
• 16:50
  Three. Yeah, did I mention I'm a slow
• 16:53
  learner anyway? So my sponsor said.
• 16:57
  To me, OK, we're going to start the 4th step we listen to.
• 16:59
  Joe and Charlie tapes We I got some.
• 17:02
  Worksheets and she said. Now don't.
• 17:04
  Please don't rush ahead. I don't.
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  Know why she. Said that I may have been doing
• 17:09
  it. Non-stop for the eight months,
• 17:10
  right, She said. I just want you to do.
• 17:13
  Column. One write down the names.
• 17:15
  I said I don't. Think I really.
• 17:16
  Have any resemblance against anybody?
• 17:20
  Oh my God. And again, patiently, she.
• 17:23
  You know, with me teach week and stuff like that and you know
• 17:27
  she'd. Sort of say did.
• 17:27
  Anything bother you this week and I'd tell her something, she
• 17:30
  said. Oh, why don't you?
• 17:31
  Put their name down in first column and I started to get the
• 17:34
  hang of, you know, resentments and anger and bitterness and
• 17:38
  chip on my shoulder and oh, I'm getting the picture now.
• 17:42
  Anyway, on the day of my 8th month of sobriety anniversary.
• 17:49
  There was a huge. Storm and the Home.
• 17:52
  That I. Had been renovating, copped.
• 17:55
  It was up in the hills. And the next door.
• 17:58
  Neighbour's garage was ripped off its foundations and dumped
• 18:03
  on top of my house and so you know the pink.
• 18:08
  Cloud was over and you know, of course there was the self pity.
• 18:15
  I've just done all of this work in.
• 18:16
  My house. And then there was heaps of
• 18:19
  resentments. Thanks God.
• 18:21
  Just in case I was struggling filling my first column.
• 18:24
  Because I had insurance. Companies I had contractors,
• 18:27
  builders, painters. You know, you name it, they were
• 18:31
  going. Thick and fast on my on my list.
• 18:34
  And and anyway, and so I really had to start white knuckling it
• 18:40
  and. And you know, that in itself too
• 18:43
  is a good job. Because I needed to.
• 18:47
  Then I needed to shut up and listen.
• 18:49
  You know, I was in a lot. Of pain I went.
• 18:51
  To more meetings and I'd whinge to a lot of people, you know.
• 18:56
  Oh, it's not fair. I'm working so hard.
• 18:58
  I'm doing steps, I'm going to this many meetings and I mean so
• 19:02
  much pain and and one guy. Up in the hills, a lot of people
• 19:08
  would know him, I guess he he said to me.
• 19:10
  Have you thought of? Shutting up and listening to
• 19:12
  what people are saying and so I. Had to.
• 19:17
  I had to because I. Didn't want to drink, you know
• 19:19
  I. Had seen that pink cloud I I I
• 19:22
  feel. Like my higher power
• 19:24
  herchestical God is pretty smart because when I look back over
• 19:27
  how the journey unfolded, it just seems to have been the
• 19:31
  right fit for me anyway. So we did the 4th step and that
• 19:36
  was great and I. Started to see really, my life
• 19:38
  hadn't been that bad. There were a lot of people who
• 19:40
  weren't on my resentment list who I really loved.
• 19:43
  Who'd really? Been there for me, even people
• 19:45
  who were on my. Resentment list still.
• 19:47
  Loved me. They were still there for me.
• 19:50
  And I could see that they put a roof over my head.
• 19:52
  They they were there. In the times when I.
• 19:56
  Felt I'd gone through the really bad stuff.
• 19:58
  They were there. Supporting me.
• 20:00
  So I got that out of the fourth step, but it wasn't until the
• 20:02
  5th. Step that I really had my
• 20:05
  spiritual awakening when we spent a very intense day with my
• 20:10
  sponsor and she taught me of the concept of have you thought of
• 20:13
  this from the other person's perspective?
• 20:17
  And you know, Step 5 is another whole story, but believe me, it
• 20:20
  was such an awakening. Bit of a rude awakening I had
• 20:24
  never. I'd always seen myself as the
• 20:26
  victim, always the one that. Something.
• 20:29
  Had been done wrong. Against and it wasn't my fault,
• 20:33
  you know, all of that sort of thing and.
• 20:35
  And as we went through that list and we.
• 20:37
  Looked at. You know my step.
• 20:39
  Parents, you know, siblings. Or sports team mates and things
• 20:45
  like that how they would have. Felt in those circumstances, I
• 20:50
  was so shocked and and it really was a massive turning point for
• 20:56
  me because I realized that I had reacted or enacted.
• 21:02
  All of these chaoses and disasters and dramas in my life
• 21:09
  without giving any consideration to what the other side of the.
• 21:14
  Story was anyway, you know, we can talk for ages about the
• 21:21
  steps. But that that was really the big
• 21:22
  turning point for me and I started to be very, very
• 21:28
  conscious. Of wow, I'm about.
• 21:31
  To do this, what impact does it have on other people?
• 21:35
  And it you know. It was a bit of paralysis
• 21:37
  analysis, analysis paralysis, whatever that saying is.
• 21:41
  Because I didn't want to talk to.
• 21:42
  Anybody or do anything in case I burnt people or or you know, you
• 21:46
  had more harms and stuff. Like that, but.
• 21:49
  You know the rest of the. Steps help us work through that
• 21:52
  and you know, handing it over and and becoming more humble and
• 21:59
  understanding. Humility and making amends and
• 22:03
  and reconnecting with people and.
• 22:05
  Stuff like that. So.
• 22:06
  It helped settle things. But you know, The thing is, is
• 22:10
  that I came because I realised that drinking too much alcohol
• 22:16
  was impacting my life, right? I my perception at that first
• 22:21
  meeting was if I can just cut out the alcohol, I can manage
• 22:26
  people, places and things much more effectively.
• 22:30
  And then my life will go well. It's not me who needs managing
• 22:34
  or anything like that, it's all the people of places and things
• 22:38
  out there that was my motivation for if I cut down the alcohol,
• 22:43
  people will take me more seriously, they'll do what I
• 22:46
  want and everything will be. Good.
• 22:49
  Such a warped. Perception, but but what I got
• 22:53
  instead, what I started to get as I went.
• 22:56
  Through those steps was. That I could let.
• 22:58
  Go of that. I could surrender to my.
• 23:03
  Higher power. I could actually trust by
• 23:06
  looking back. And being able to reconnect.
• 23:10
  To people to see that things hadn't truly been as bad as I
• 23:14
  had. Embellished and grown and
• 23:18
  darkened them in my mind it. Hadn't been too bad.
• 23:22
  Lots of people who I thought were the bad guys were still
• 23:26
  there and still loving me even though I'd had some.
• 23:29
  Really bad misbehaviour and. And I could reconnect, I could
• 23:35
  build the bridges, I could start to see.
• 23:38
  Things differently I could. Have a new design for living and
• 23:43
  then I could let go of all of that need to control things that
• 23:49
  need to be a victim the need to. Have this perception that.
• 23:53
  Everything was so dark and horrible.
• 23:56
  I could trust in my higher power.
• 23:59
  I could let people do what they needed to do.
• 24:03
  I could understand that everybody is doing the best that
• 24:06
  they can with the toolkit. That they got given and.
• 24:10
  By learning to listen. I also.
• 24:13
  Learned that there's. Heaps of heaps and heaps of.
• 24:16
  People with really great ideas that I could.
• 24:18
  Learn from. Wow.
• 24:21
  And and there are choices. You know.
• 24:25
  If if a certain pathway that I had had in life wasn't the right
• 24:31
  one, regardless of how I ended up on that pathway.
• 24:34
  I could change that pathway. And when I was quiet, when I
• 24:39
  surrendered to my higher power, when I tried to put all the
• 24:44
  principles of A A in my affairs, when I tried to help other
• 24:48
  people and tell them how wonderful this program is and
• 24:52
  the things that I learned, when I could accept that people were
• 24:56
  just doing the best that they could do, I felt so much freer.
• 25:01
  I had this peace and serenity that I didn't even dream.
• 25:07
  Existed and I could. Start to make some changes in my
• 25:12
  own life to take better care of myself.
• 25:15
  I didn't have to depend on people.
• 25:18
  I didn't have to grab hold of human beings and try and suck
• 25:23
  the love and nurturing and all that that I wanted out of them.
• 25:28
  I could grasp hold of my my invisible friend.
• 25:33
  That's my perception of God, my invisible friend who's with me
• 25:36
  all the time. I can.
• 25:38
  I can grasp Him tightly whenever I want and He is there for me,
• 25:44
  Love and compassion. He gives me guidance on
• 25:47
  pathways. He gives me the ability to
• 25:50
  listen to other people when I'm willing and I have an open mind
• 25:55
  and when I'm honest and humble. I can learn from other people.
• 26:00
  I can. I can listen.
• 26:02
  I can have love and compassion not only for them, but for
• 26:06
  myself as well. Because when I looked back on
• 26:09
  that history and saw the things of my part in it, it was very
• 26:14
  easy to then go from whipping the rest of the world to
• 26:18
  whipping myself. But that wasn't a go either.
• 26:21
  That wasn't the message that I got from a spiritual angle as I
• 26:26
  went through those steps and I started to see and when I
• 26:30
  started to do those things, surrender, accept love.
• 26:34
  And show you compassion. I could see these spiritual
• 26:38
  miracles everywhere in my life and the lives of the people
• 26:42
  around me, and it just showed me I didn't need to control.
• 26:47
  And manipulate and. Feel self pity or victim anymore
• 26:52
  and and it's so incredible. I went back to study.
• 26:57
  I do the job now that I love with all my heart and that I
• 27:01
  wanted to do since I was a little girl.
• 27:03
  I even have a new relationship, you know, after three failed
• 27:08
  marriages, I said to my sponsor, never again.
• 27:11
  I'm a. Disaster on legs.
• 27:13
  And I'm not doing. It again and God went well.
• 27:16
  Actually. Here's one I fixed earlier.
• 27:19
  This one's sweet. And lo and behold, he's right.
• 27:25
  And I feel like he's often. Right.
• 27:27
  And I could wave on forever. I think I might stop there.
• 27:30
  Thanks for listening. A A has more than two million
• 27:33
  recovering Alcoholics throughout the world.
• 27:37
  In Australia there are about 18,000 members.
• 27:41
  They're made in over 2000 local meetings spread around the
• 27:45
  country. Meetings range in size from a
• 27:49
  handful in some areas to hundreds or more in larger
• 27:53
  communities. And once again, if anyone you
• 27:56
  know is struggling with alcohol issues, please call Alcoholics
• 28:01
  Announcing 1300 Double 00000 or visit their website on aa.org
• 28:08
  dot AU.