Latest / AWAKEN with Dylan Ayaloo: Inner Work, Healing, Yoga & Meditation / [EP33] Attracting Authentic Relationships

Transcript

[EP33] Attracting Authentic Relationships · AWAKEN with Dylan Ayaloo: Inner Work, Healing, Yoga & Meditation

• 0:00
  How do you attract authentic relationships?
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  And obviously I'm talking about relationships in general.
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  And of course, around this time of the year, because of Valentine's Day, people might be more focused on intimate relationships.
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  But I think this will apply in various different forms of relationships.
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  So for any relationship, relatedness to happen, for a relationship to exist, it has to be built on certain values like trust, for example.
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  And trust, meaning you are putting your trust in another person or people based on what you have learned about them, what you understand of them.
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  and the learning and understanding of them perhaps comes from what you've been able to glean,
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  what you've been able to learn from them, right? What they have said, what they have done,
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  what they have shown of themselves, which comes to the topic of authenticity. To build,
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  you know, levels of authenticity or relationships which are built on authenticity,
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  it really just has to come from, I say just, but it has to come from
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  authenticity from yourself first. So I was actually talking to someone else today around
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  this topic of authenticity and being authentic, underneath being authentic, right? If we start to
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  look on, let's say, inner work, right? Perspective on this, which is my area of speciality, on the
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  level of story, let's say, what causes us to be authentic or not authentic? And there's obviously
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  many books written on this. There's ones that are very direct about it, right? Like the fuck it
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  theory. And I think it's quite a deeply spiritual topic, but just the topic itself of fuck it
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  doesn't mean screw them, I don't care about them.
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  It's because I care about them that I'm going to risk showing the truth of who I am.
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  Therefore, authenticity.
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  Because I care about them, because I love them, because I'm more invested in the long term,
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  that I'm going to express the truth of what I feel and who I am.
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  so that they can see me without the filters.
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  And therefore, the relationship, the relatedness that is built on what they get to learn about me
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  and hopefully what I get to learn about them is built on a certain level of honesty and truth,
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  like authenticity.
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  So to attract relationships that are real or authentic,
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  as I always come back to,
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  it comes back to us, right?
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  Like comes back to the self.
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  And if you want someone to be real,
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  you have to go first.
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  Take the lead, be the leader in your life.
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  And you can also lead in the relationship,
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  whether it's masculine or feminine,
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  doesn't matter.
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  It's a dance of masculine, feminine.
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  One can lead.
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  It's like a tango, right?
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  You just, one can lead the other.
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  And as you take the lead,
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  with honesty, with authenticity. And a relationship that is built on authenticity, on truth,
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  right? Or truth of what you feel, what you think, what you understand, opens up for a conversation,
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  right? Opens up for a dialogue. Just because you're being authentic doesn't mean they need
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  to like it or accept it. Sometimes they may not, right? It might actually, certain things might
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  And it's not about pleasing them, which is the opposite of being real and authentic. By being authentic, you are saying, I care about you, I love you enough that I'm going to tell the truth or show the truth of who I am so that you can respond. Your ability to respond then is based on the truth that I'm showing you, the honesty that I'm bringing to the table, the authenticity that I'm bringing to the table.
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  Therefore, that relatedness that is built over time, that forms into a relationship,
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  intimate or non-intimate, is based on, is built on the foundation of being authentic.
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  And hopefully both parties are doing that.
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  Therefore, if you are bringing authenticity, most likely you would demand that back or
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  require that back from the other person or people.
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  Therefore, there's a certain level of authenticity in your relationships.
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  when your relationships around you are authentic,
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  perhaps it's a reflection of you being real with yourself first.
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  So one of the deepest,
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  probably the second deepest relationship we would have in our lives
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  is relationship to self.
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  Probably the most,
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  like the deepest relationship we'll have in ourselves,
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  in our life, I would say,
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  in my opinion, is our connection to source,
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  the divine universe, love, life, God,
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  whatever word works for you.
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  I would say that comes first.
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  And then it's like relatedness to ourself.
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  When we bring a level of authenticity or a complete level of authenticity to all our
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  relationships, the relationship magnifies whatever is going on within.
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  If there's love, it magnifies love.
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  If there's honesty, it magnifies that.
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  If there's camaraderie, it magnifies that.
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  If there's support, it magnifies that.
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  The reason we get in relationship is because by sharing with someone or some people, we get to magnify what we feel and experience.
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  And by sharing it, we get to relive it and therefore they get to live it with us as well.
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  So the relationship then is built on the foundation and one of the foundations is realness, is authenticity.
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  It comes from actually embracing your own qualities.
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  So who are you?
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  Comes back to that question.
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  It's a big question.
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  And who do you believe yourself to be?
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  What are your values?
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  What's important to you?
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  Your thoughts, your opinions, and your feelings.
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  And what is the standard you take for in this life?
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  Like all the aspects that form, who are you?
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  And actually embracing that first.
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  Sometimes we want others to accept us before we've accepted ourselves.
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  And a lot of times that doesn't go so well.
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  It works better if we start by embracing ourselves first, like loving ourselves first,
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  before expecting others to accept or love or embrace what we present them.
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  The opposite of authentic is pleasing or being in the pleaser.
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  So the next part, the second part to that would be to look at where the pleaser is showing up in your life, right?
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  Like the pleaser within.
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  And I don't agree for some time in my life, part of my journey was like fight everything, like fighting myself.
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  That's what the fight outside reflects.
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  I don't agree with fighting it.
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  You don't need to go and fight it or destroy it.
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  There's enough fight in the world.
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  We don't need more of that.
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  And the fight outside starts with the fight inside anyway.
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  I think by getting rid of the fight inside, we get a more peaceful world.
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  But the pleaser doesn't need to be destroyed.
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  It doesn't need to be killed.
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  It doesn't need to be gotten rid of.
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  If anything, the pleaser wants love.
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  That's why the pleaser is doing the pleasing.
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  Right?
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  So go in and love your pleaser.
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  Give them so much love that they're outpouring in abundance of love
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  more. Therefore, you love and accept that pleaser within. And therefore then, wherever you find
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  you are doing the pleasing, the pleaser kind of shows up in your life, start to pay attention to
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  each of these areas, these relationships in your life and how the pleaser kind of shows up. Because
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  where the pleaser is, you cannot be authentic and the pleaser at the same time. That's what I've
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  You're either being real or you're pleasing.
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  And pleasing wasn't so pleasant for me to learn this about my own inner pleaser
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  some time ago and a mentor of mine said to this,
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  pleasing someone is manipulating them to like me.
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  Right?
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  So it's the opposite of the intention of the pleaser.
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  When I first heard that, I was like, what?
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  But that's the opposite of what I'm trying to do.
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  And yeah, but that's what you're doing.
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  someone else. You don't say you, but I'm talking about the pattern of the pleaser.
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  It's manipulating someone else to like them, to give them the love, to give them the acceptance,
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  to give them the thing that they're hoping to get. So pretty sure we all have a degree of
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  pleaser within us. Therefore, we've got some work to do. So love the pleaser within. And
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  if anything heals better than anything else is the energy of love. So why not just give the
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  please the love and heal it, right?
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  So it doesn't run your life anymore in any area.
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  And then get really clear on the kinds of relationships that you want to attract.
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  So if you're being real within yourself and you're being real with others, you're being
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  authentic, and perhaps one of the things that's important to you is authenticity, is realness,
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  right?
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  So you would also require that back or maybe demand that back from everyone that you have
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  around you.
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  And it could mean that over time, don't go and fire your friends right now, but over time, it might mean that you would choose perhaps how close you have different people.
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  And some people you want to or should or could have really close to you.
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  So more in your inner circles.
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  And some people need to be demoted, right?
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  Like to outer circles.
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  And some people need to not even be in your outer circles.
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  to be not in any circle. It doesn't mean you hate them. They may or may not be horrible people,
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  but it's just that it's boundaries. And it comes from self-love, which can sound to some people
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  like arrogance, but arrogance is very different to self-love. From place of self-love and self-worth,
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  you get to choose who you have in which kind of imaginary circle around you. The ones that are
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  in your innermost circles
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  might be the ones that you know
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  you can be completely real with
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  and completely trust.
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  And for me,
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  the innermost circle in my life
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  is just me and source, right?
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  Divine God, whatever works for you.
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  And then there's like the humans
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  because human love is conditional.
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  But that's just me.
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  I'm not saying you need to follow that.
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  Embracing who is you,
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  what's important to you and who you are.
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  Healing, the pleaser, number two.
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  And number three,
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  getting really clear on your intentions.
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  Your intentions for the kind of relationships,
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  intimate and non-intimate,
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  that you want to have in your life.
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  And what is it based on?
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  Is it based on authenticity?
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  Is it based on truth?
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  What is it based on?
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  And then deciding which of the circles
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  you would have them in, in your life.
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  So that's my message around
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  attracting authentic relationships.
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  There's being true, being a true self,
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  and being courageous enough to show that.
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  One of the ways to heal the pleaser
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  is to actually start showing the truth of who you are,
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  your thoughts, your opinions,
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  the things that you're feeling
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  and starting to bring that and share that
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  in your relationships
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  and risking not being liked short-term
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  because you're not,
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  you'd rather than settle for the short-term connection,
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  you'd rather go for the long-term depth of love that is available or possible in the relationship
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  it's a longer deeper commitment so therefore there's a third part that i shared which is like
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  what is your intention what do you want in your relationship what's the kind of the quality the
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  frequency of relationships that you want in your life