Latest / Raising ADHD: Real Talk For Parents & Educators / [Part 1 of 5] When the Holidays Break Your Brain: The ADHD Paradox No One Talks About

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[Part 1 of 5] When the Holidays Break Your Brain: The ADHD Paradox No One Talks About · Raising ADHD: Real Talk For Parents & Educators

• 0:00
  Apryl: You ever have that moment where your house sounds like a blender without a lid?
• 0:04
  Apryl: Someone's crying, someone's yelling, the cookies are burning, and you think, why does everyone else look so happy in their matching pajamas while my family is one peppermint stick away from Meltdown City?
• 0:17
  Apryl: You're not crazy.
• 0:18
  Apryl: You're living inside what we call the ADHD holiday paradox.
• 0:23
  Apryl: The time of year when structure disappears, sugar skyrockets, and every brain in your house seems to short circuit at once.
• 0:32
  Apryl: Welcome to Raising ADHD, the podcast for parents and teachers raising ADHD kids.
• 0:38
  Apryl: If you've ever felt frustrated, overwhelmed, or just unsure what to do next, you're not alone.
• 0:44
  Apryl: I'm April Bradford, a former teacher and ADHD mom, and alongside my husband, Dr.
• 0:50
  Apryl: Brian Bradford, a child and adolescent psychiatrist, we're here to give you the clarity, strategies, and support you've been looking for.
• 0:57
  Apryl: Every week we break down the misconceptions, answer your biggest questions, and share real tools you can use right away at home and in the classroom.
• 1:07
  Apryl: So if you're ready to feel more confident and less overwhelmed, you're in the right place.
• 1:12
  Apryl: Hey guys, welcome back to the podcast.
• 1:15
  Apryl: Hey Brian.
• 1:16
  Brian: Hey, April.
• 1:18
  Apryl: All right, we are doing something a little bit different for the next few episodes.
• 1:22
  Apryl: We are actually going to do a mini-series all about holidays because we know that holidays can be a bit tricky in an ADHD household.
• 1:34
  Apryl: So that is what we're talking about today is the ADHD holiday paradox.
• 1:42
  Apryl: And with that, we're going to be unpacking why the holidays hit ADHD families so hard and what's really going on in the brain.
• 1:51
  Apryl: The second that school bell rings and your kids are out for holiday break, the scaffolding falls instantly.
• 1:59
  Apryl: No more predictable warnings, bells, bedtimes.
• 2:02
  Apryl: The structure that keeps ADHD brains running, gone.
• 2:08
  Brian: Right.
• 2:08
  Brian: So, I mean, in the brain, when this happens, when you lose the external structure, you're also losing the internal regulation.
• 2:16
  Brian: And a lot of this is the executive functioning that we've been talking about.
• 2:20
  Brian: The the prefrontal cortex, which we know with ADHD is one of the most uh dysfunctional parts of the brain.
• 2:27
  Brian: This is the brain's planner, the timekeeper, the impulse manager, all this also likes to go on vacation, likes to take a holiday.
• 2:35
  Apryl: Yes.
• 2:35
  Apryl: As soon as that scaffolding falls, boom, that prefrontal cortex is also on vacation.
• 2:41
  Apryl: So which means everything that usually works doesn't anymore.
• 2:46
  Apryl: And your kid who thrives on school schedule suddenly can't brush their teeth without 12 reminders.
• 2:54
  Apryl: And you, the usually on top of a parent, forget the teacher gift, the milk, and where you hit the scissors.
• 3:02
  Brian: Right.
• 3:02
  Brian: And I mean, I want everybody to keep in mind this isn't because of laziness or carelessness or anything like that.
• 3:08
  Brian: This is this is part of ADHD.
• 3:11
  Apryl: So if you feel like, wow, we just fell apart.
• 3:14
  Apryl: Congratulations, you're normal.
• 3:18
  Brian: So let's do our best to break down the brain as simple as we can.
• 3:21
  Brian: So with ADHD, it's really impacting the executive functions.
• 3:25
  Brian: And so these are those skills that help you plan, they help you prioritize, and they help you pivot when there is distractions or other things to be able to handle those tasks and then still return to the to the original task.
• 3:39
  Apryl: Yeah.
• 3:39
  Apryl: Oh, go on.
• 3:40
  Brian: Yeah, the holidays require all those and then some.
• 3:43
  Brian: And you're still having all of regular life on top of now.
• 3:46
  Brian: We have a new task, plus it's a stimulating task on top of it.
• 3:51
  Apryl: Yes.
• 3:52
  Apryl: And let's just also throw in the bright lights, all of the noise, sugar, travel, and lovely Aunt Linda who keeps asking why our kid can't sit still.
• 4:04
  Brian: We we need to cut that.
• 4:05
  Brian: What if what if Linda listens to this?
• 4:07
  Apryl: Well, Linda needs to know.
• 4:10
  Brian: I doubt Linda listens to our podcast.
• 4:12
  Brian: So, yeah, that's sensory overload.
• 4:17
  Brian: That's where the ADHD brain has this leaky filter, and that's what we call impaired sensory gating.
• 4:24
  Brian: I know I tried to keep this simple, but we're kind of going off.
• 4:28
  Brian: So the thalamus, part of the brain, which should be screening out background noise, basically lets everything in.
• 4:34
  Apryl: What that means is like when your kid melts down at that party, right?
• 4:38
  Apryl: It's not bad behavior.
• 4:39
  Apryl: They're not trying to be a bad kid.
• 4:42
  Apryl: Their brain is literally drowning from all of that input.
• 4:47
  Apryl: I do not have ADHD.
• 4:50
  Apryl: I have a neurotypical brain.
• 4:52
  Apryl: And holiday parties, I want to freak out.
• 4:56
  Apryl: So I can't even imagine what an ADHD brain feels with all of this extra stimuli.
• 5:03
  Apryl: The scaffolding's gone.
• 5:04
  Apryl: It's just really, I mean, it's literally the brain just drowning in all this.
• 5:10
  Brian: Right.
• 5:11
  Brian: And it it's pretty easy to to picture how sensory overload is because we've all experienced it at some point.
• 5:17
  Brian: It's just it's happening in a different setting for these ADHD kids.
• 5:20
  Brian: So for us, when it's like somebody's playing loud rock music, I'm trying to study, and somebody keeps like having a conversation on the table next to me or whatever.
• 5:30
  Brian: Like all these things that we've experienced with ADHD, it's just that much more sensitive to where it's I'm just trying to study and mom's baking cookies, and I can smell those, and game's over.
• 5:41
  Apryl: Yeah, it's like um there are times that Brian will uh work from home or like bring his notes home to write or whatever.
• 5:50
  Apryl: And I'm like in the kitchen just doing my thing, I'm not talking, but literally like the I'm running the sink, I'm loading the dishwasher, and he's like, Oh my gosh, I can't do my work.
• 6:00
  Apryl: But for me, it doesn't bother me, but because you do have the ADHD brain, you can't like drown that out.
• 6:07
  Apryl: Like I could.
• 6:08
  Brian: Right.
• 6:09
  Brian: I rarely work from home for that same reason.
• 6:11
  Brian: And I think a lot of ADHD people are like, you know what, I I have to be in that environment.
• 6:15
  Brian: I have to body double, I have to be somewhere like that.
• 6:18
  Brian: And so home at the kitchen table, now that's playtime, that's dinner time, that's whatever.
• 6:24
  Apryl: Yeah.
• 6:25
  Brian: So one other thing I was gonna talk about with this is another part of the brain is the amygdala.
• 6:31
  Brian: And this is like the alarm center.
• 6:34
  Brian: So for ADHD kids, we we we've talked about this before.
• 6:38
  Brian: For ADHD kids, rejection, correction, all these things hit harder.
• 6:43
  Brian: We talked about rejection-sensitive dysphoria just a few episodes ago.
• 6:47
  Apryl: Last episode, yeah.
• 6:48
  Brian: Last episode.
• 6:49
  Brian: Right.
• 6:50
  Brian: And so that's also gonna be playing a role with these holiday parties.
• 6:54
  Apryl: Yeah, and again, in these holiday parties, there's, you know, Aunt Linda who's like, oh, why didn't Johnny say thank you for his present?
• 7:05
  Apryl: Or, you know, just like those little things that then our kids are gonna overreact with that RSD, and it's just not good.
• 7:15
  Brian: Right.
• 7:16
  Brian: And a lot of these are like uh the naive family that comes over and they're like, hey, you know, how's the job search going?
• 7:24
  Brian: Oh, uh, nobody told you.
• 7:25
  Brian: Oh, how's the, you know, whatever, whatever's going on that's sensitive in the family.
• 7:29
  Brian: Inevitably, these aunts, uncles, cousins are gonna like bring it up.
• 7:33
  Brian: The Thanksgiving dinner when it's like, oh, you know, who are you dating, Jimmy?
• 7:37
  Brian: Oh, geez.
• 7:38
  Apryl: Yes.
• 7:39
  Apryl: Oh, that talk again.
• 7:40
  Apryl: When are you gonna get married, right?
• 7:42
  Apryl: And I mean, I would say that these people are well-meaning, but I think there are some of them that aren't so well-meaning.
• 7:46
  Apryl: So we're not gonna assume that everyone's aunt, Linda, is well-meaning.
• 7:51
  Brian: Sorry, Linda, about this one.
• 7:53
  Brian: Yeah, nobody show this to Linda.
• 7:56
  Apryl: Yeah.
• 7:57
  Apryl: So really, like, I mean, our kids are just and and you, if you have ADHD, like we know that this is so genetic, you know, inherited, you probably you might have it as well.
• 8:11
  Apryl: Your nervous system reacts like it's in danger.
• 8:14
  Apryl: Right.
• 8:15
  Brian: Well, that's the that's the rejection sensitivity that we talked about last week.
• 8:18
  Brian: It is, it's like you're in danger and now I need to be fighting back.
• 8:21
  Apryl: Yeah.
• 8:21
  Apryl: So instead of enjoying this holiday party, fight or fly, your brain is going danger, danger, danger.
• 8:27
  Brian: Yep.
• 8:28
  Apryl: Yeah.
• 8:28
  Apryl: So that is why the holidays can be hard.
• 8:32
  Apryl: So what the what you'll be seeing, what this looks like then, as I'm sure you already know, is during these next few weeks, as you know, the holidays it just gets busier and more chaotic, you're gonna start seeing really big emotions.
• 8:49
  Apryl: The yelling, the slamming doors, giving up, the meltdowns.
• 8:54
  Apryl: And then we have the RSD plus the executive function fatigue.
• 9:00
  Brian: Right.
• 9:00
  Brian: And also with these, I mean, there's so much like uh like what we refer to as dopamine, not actual dopamine, but like these dopamine hits of oh, we've got Christmas presents under the tree.
• 9:13
  Brian: Oh, family's coming over, like I've got all this good food, I'm gonna get off of school.
• 9:18
  Apryl: Like, there's so many just Boom, boom, boom, back and forth.
• 9:21
  Apryl: Like so many stimulations, yes.
• 9:23
  Apryl: Yep.
• 9:24
  Apryl: So yeah, going back to that executive function fatigue, because there is so much dopamine hits, right?
• 9:30
  Apryl: Then what does that look like with the kids?
• 9:34
  Brian: Yeah, so when you get that fatigue, like young kids especially show this out loud.
• 9:40
  Brian: Teens can sometimes hide it, they hide it through the party, and then it's on the way home that they're gonna crash.
• 9:45
  Brian: And when you go to a party and the the young kids are are crashing, I mean, it might just be time to call it with teenagers, you've got to be prepared for when we go home from the party, they're gonna be like, you know what, I'm done.
• 9:58
  Brian: Don't talk to me.
• 9:59
  Brian: I'm not gonna do my homework, like I need my time now.
• 10:03
  Apryl: Yeah, and it will probably show up more moody too.
• 10:06
  Apryl: Or they're kind of snappy towards Aunt Linda, which it don't we all want to be.
• 10:11
  Apryl: But that's how it's gonna show up with our teens.
• 10:15
  Apryl: And, you know, they'll like go come home and shut themselves in their rooms and just want their alone time, which is typical for teens anyway.
• 10:24
  Apryl: But then it leaves you, you know, like, I don't know, it's like, oh, it's Christmas, and when they were little, like we would be around the tree or playing games or reading books or whatever it was, and then you're like, oh, they used to love Christmas.
• 10:37
  Apryl: Like, what happened?
• 10:38
  Apryl: But remember, they are masking harder now, and so it's exhausting to them.
• 10:44
  Apryl: They're trying to hold it all together at these parties or the events, all the things going on, and then it eventually spills.
• 10:52
  Brian: Yep.
• 10:52
  Brian: I was just thinking, this is the time to force the family tradition.
• 10:57
  Brian: We're doing this, darn it.
• 11:01
  Apryl: He's joking, everyone.
• 11:02
  Apryl: I'm joking.
• 11:04
  Brian: So I know we were talking about this a few weeks ago.
• 11:07
  Brian: With ADHD kids, you need to treat them, some of their like emotions, as if they're just a little bit younger than they actually are.
• 11:14
  Brian: So if your 15-year-old's acting like a 13-year-old, it's almost expected.
• 11:19
  Apryl: Yeah.
• 11:19
  Brian: So if it's like, dude, stop acting like a No, it's okay.
• 11:23
  Brian: Like emotionally, that's where a lot of their emotions are feeling.
• 11:27
  Brian: Yeah, feeling like they're a couple years younger than they actually are.
• 11:30
  Apryl: Yes.
• 11:31
  Apryl: So take that in, let that sink in and get that in your brain right now, before all of these holiday events and parties and everything, but their meltdown is really that, like, okay, yes, they're 15, but okay, but maturity-wise, they're like 13.
• 11:49
  Apryl: So Right, right.
• 11:50
  Brian: Especially with emotions, most of the time.
• 11:52
  Apryl: Yes, yeah.
• 11:53
  Brian: Yeah, yeah.
• 11:53
  Brian: So when they're sitting at the kitchen table and you're having family dinner and your 16-year-old's like, dude, I'm I'm done.
• 12:00
  Brian: Instead of thinking, dude, act like an adult.
• 12:02
  Brian: You need to think it's okay.
• 12:05
  Apryl: Yeah.
• 12:05
  Apryl: Yep.
• 12:07
  Apryl: Okay.
• 12:07
  Apryl: So let's talk about now the hidden holiday tax, the ADHD tax, the invisible price of December.
• 12:15
  Apryl: What does that look like?
• 12:17
  Brian: It's great.
• 12:18
  Brian: It's great.
• 12:19
  Brian: I'll just tell you that.
• 12:20
  Brian: So, yes, the ADHD tax.
• 12:26
  Brian: We've talked about this before.
• 12:27
  Brian: ADHD itself has just a financial implication that goes along with it.
• 12:32
  Brian: And we're not talking like doctor's appointments and meds.
• 12:35
  Brian: We're talking about spending and speeding tickets and late fees and paying overnight shipping and things like this.
• 12:45
  Brian: Some of this impulsivity just leads to a financial deficit.
• 12:50
  Apryl: Yeah.
• 12:50
  Apryl: And so, like, again, like I was saying, you as a parent, this this is more of an awareness for parents.
• 12:56
  Apryl: And I mean, your teens, if they have money, yes, it makes sense.
• 12:59
  Apryl: But it's that impulsive spending that dopamine loves.
• 13:03
  Apryl: You know, that last minute Amazon orders, the, oh, I forgot that I bought a gift for so and so.
• 13:10
  Apryl: Well, now they get too.
• 13:11
  Apryl: You know, like it's that like quick buy now, add to cart those dopamine rushes.
• 13:17
  Brian: Right.
• 13:17
  Brian: And that last week, right before Christmas, when you're like, oh, you know what?
• 13:20
  Brian: I need to actually have this.
• 13:22
  Brian: I've decided.
• 13:22
  Brian: And now I'm gonna pay full price and overnight shipping.
• 13:25
  Apryl: And mentally, this is what I call the executive function slump.
• 13:29
  Apryl: You can run a business all year, you can show up to work, whatever it is, but then all of a sudden, the idea of packing for a holiday trip feels impossible.
• 13:41
  Brian: Right.
• 13:42
  Brian: So with ADHD, each simple task is really like micro steps.
• 13:46
  Brian: And so when it's like, hey, we're going to Antlitas, we're going to Antlitas tomorrow, and your brain's like, you know what I want?
• 13:56
  Brian: I want Minecraft.
• 13:57
  Brian: I don't want Antlitas.
• 13:58
  Brian: And so trying to break this down into these individual steps of like, you actually have to plan what I'm gonna pack.
• 14:05
  Brian: Then I have to go gather these things.
• 14:07
  Brian: Then I actually have to start on putting these things in my suitcase.
• 14:11
  Brian: And then I have to stay putting these things in my suitcase all the way until it's done.
• 14:16
  Brian: And then when it's done, I have to zip with the suitcase and put it where it's supposed to be.
• 14:19
  Brian: Like there's a lot of steps in this.
• 14:22
  Brian: This isn't just ringle pack.
• 14:24
  Apryl: Yeah.
• 14:25
  Brian: And especially so when you're ADHD and your brains wanting to do anything else, to be able to put all these steps in order in what we call executive functioning can be so difficult, especially at this time with a lot of stimulation.
• 14:39
  Apryl: Yes.
• 14:40
  Apryl: And because of the the typical, like we are talking about, the scaffold has fallen, you know, because now the kids are out of school.
• 14:50
  Apryl: So instead of being able to like, okay, I'm gonna pack the suitcase today and be able to do it without the chaos of kids and all that stuff, all that is happening.
• 14:59
  Apryl: So really it is it's it's just a hard time of year, especially for the ADHD families.
• 15:06
  Apryl: And that's why come New Year's Day, your suitcase is still halfway packed.
• 15:12
  Brian: 100% of the time, yeah.
• 15:14
  Apryl: Or like Brian, he showed up to Greece.
• 15:16
  Apryl: We got to Greece and he had two shirts and like ten pairs of pants.
• 15:20
  Apryl: So that's great too.
• 15:22
  Brian: Although I stretched it and had nice pants every single day.
• 15:25
  Brian: Clean pair of pants.
• 15:27
  Apryl: It was great.
• 15:28
  Apryl: Okay, so a quick little note for our teachers who are listening, you are also in the splash zone, as you know, um, because this is a crazy time of year.
• 15:40
  Apryl: All kids are just super excited.
• 15:42
  Apryl: So the week before break, every ADHD brain in your room is fried.
• 15:51
  Brian: Everybody in the room is fried.
• 15:52
  Brian: Yes, but the ADHD is just I I guarantee you they're thinking about Barbies and their list of whatever.
• 16:01
  Apryl: Yeah.
• 16:02
  Apryl: They're not thinking about math.
• 16:03
  Apryl: No.
• 16:04
  Brian: Yeah.
• 16:04
  Brian: And then when you have that stimulation of, man, there's something under the tree, that's all your brain can think about.
• 16:10
  Apryl: I feel like that's all you can think about right now.
• 16:11
  Apryl: He's like daydreaming over here, people.
• 16:14
  Brian: Yeah, well, I'm just thinking, like I remember being in school and as soon as like the tree was out, that's all that mattered.
• 16:23
  Brian: Like whatever ended up in that tree or under that tree, and so for one solid month.
• 16:28
  Brian: No, no productivity whatsoever in school.
• 16:32
  Apryl: Yeah.
• 16:33
  Apryl: So you're saying we shouldn't put up our tree until Christmas Eve.
• 16:38
  Brian: I mean, it would ruin the joy of Christmas, but yeah.
• 16:41
  Brian: Yeah.
• 16:42
  Brian: So yeah.
• 16:46
  Brian: We were we're going back to the classroom, everybody's fried, the ADHD brain is having an extremely difficult time.
• 16:54
  Brian: And so this is one of those things where as a teacher, just note I need to be giving the feedback in private and not in public because they're extra sensitive and they're gonna be off topic.
• 17:08
  Brian: And so this is the time when you just say, you know, walk by and tap on their desk and just point to the point to the problem they're supposed to be working on, or or something else very small to get them back on task.
• 17:20
  Brian: Don't do the Jimmy, like pay attention over here.
• 17:23
  Brian: Come on, dude.
• 17:24
  Apryl: Focus, focus.
• 17:26
  Apryl: Oh my gosh.
• 17:27
  Apryl: That never works.
• 17:29
  Brian: It never works and it makes you just want to pull your hair out as a kid.
• 17:33
  Apryl: Yes.
• 17:33
  Apryl: So by doing what Brian's saying, is that's gonna help because these kids are already like so emo emotionally wound up, like all the kids, but we know with the RSD and meltdowns and things like that, if you can try to do any sort of redirection as calmly and as privately as possible, it's gonna help mitigate those meltdowns as as much as possible.
• 18:00
  Brian: So, one other thing I'm thinking about with the classroom, and maybe you could give some insight into this, April.
• 18:06
  Brian: With these fun days that we they have in the in the classroom, does this actually help, or is this kind of breaking down that structure that we're talking about?
• 18:16
  Apryl: When you do those fun holiday days, one tip I would say is keep the structure in your classroom as long as possible.
• 18:23
  Apryl: And with that, you can still incorporate all the fun holiday things along with that, but keeping that, you know, like reading is it this time.
• 18:32
  Apryl: Well, maybe it's still a reading activity, but it's holiday focused.
• 18:36
  Apryl: Keeping that structure and that scaffolding up as long as possible in your classroom is going to help mitigate a lot of this as well.
• 18:44
  Apryl: Because right now, structure is the oxygen, it is what you need to survive.
• 18:50
  Apryl: So here's the big takeaway: the holidays aren't hard because you're doing it wrong.
• 18:56
  Apryl: They're hard because we have removed every system, and even if you don't feel like you have systems in your family, you do.
• 19:07
  Apryl: Like there is a normal, typical routine that goes on, and all of that has been removed, and that's what your family relies on.
• 19:19
  Brian: Right.
• 19:20
  Brian: The systems are removed and replaced with outside stimuli, right?
• 19:24
  Apryl: Yeah.
• 19:24
  Apryl: So it's not about fixing behavior when you're seeing these behaviors, meltdowns, all that stuff.
• 19:30
  Apryl: It's literally like, oh, we need to rebuild some scaffolding here and get some structure put into our day, which next week we're going to give you the fix.
• 19:40
  Apryl: Next week we're gonna we're going to talk about the 10-minute holiday reset routine.
• 19:45
  Brian: Yep.
• 19:46
  Brian: And we could have some episodes on fixing behavior, but not with the holidays.
• 19:51
  Apryl: No.
• 19:53
  Brian: Like let's fix behavior all summer long and the holidays hit.
• 19:57
  Apryl: And yes, what we're gonna talk about next week is very simple, 10-minute, like I said, 10-minute holiday reset routine.
• 20:04
  Apryl: So you're definitely gonna want to listen to this one.
• 20:06
  Apryl: We're gonna share like scripts that we use, the tools you can use, and whether you're at Aunt Linda's house or not, you can do this.
• 20:15
  Apryl: So um make sure you're subscribed to the podcast.
• 20:19
  Apryl: Hit subscribe on you wherever you listen to the podcast, and we will see you here next week.
• 20:28
  Apryl: Same time, same place.
• 20:31
  Brian: Hey guys, so yes, we're gonna continue the series.
• 20:34
  Brian: Uh this week we're headed out to Kansas City to the ADHD conference.
• 20:38
  Brian: So if anybody is there and notices us, come say hi.
• 20:41
  Brian: And we'll see you next week for part two of our holiday series podcast.
• 20:49
  Apryl: Yep.
• 20:49
  Brian: 10-minute holiday reset routine.
• 20:51
  Brian: We'll see you next week.
• 20:52
  Brian: Thanks so much for joining us for today's conversation on raising ADHD.
• 20:56
  Brian: Remember, raising ADHD kids doesn't have to feel overwhelming.
• 21:00
  Brian: Small shifts can make a big difference.
• 21:02
  Brian: If you found this episode helpful, it would mean the world if you would hit subscribe, if you'd leave a review, or if you shared it with another parent or teacher who needs this support.
• 21:11
  Brian: And don't forget to join us next week for more real talk, practical tips, and encouragement.
• 21:16
  Brian: Until then, you've got this, and we've got your back.