Latest / Reverse Jackass / Ep40: Evelyn asks Nick the Canadian Blade Questionnaire; Nick answers it.

Transcript

Ep40: Evelyn asks Nick the Canadian Blade Questionnaire; Nick answers it. · Reverse Jackass

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_02: It's reverse jackass.
• 0:07
  SPEAKER_01: Welcome back to Reverse Jackass, everyone.
• 0:11
  SPEAKER_01: I am Evelyn, the Canadian Blade, although I just feel like there's a new nickname on the on the horizon.
• 0:17
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know.
• 0:18
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know.
• 0:18
  SPEAKER_00: We transitioned to big syrup.
• 0:20
  SPEAKER_00: Big syrup.
• 0:21
  SPEAKER_00: So you're actually two nicknames behind.
• 0:22
  SPEAKER_01: I thought well, it's kind of funny because, yeah, fair enough.
• 0:25
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, I don't, I think women most generally don't like the word big in a nickname, but I'll take it.
• 0:31
  SPEAKER_01: Big syrup.
• 0:32
  SPEAKER_01: How about cool syrup?
• 0:35
  SPEAKER_01: I am probably bigger than I am cooler.
• 0:37
  SPEAKER_01: So let's take, let's, let's big cool syrup.
• 0:41
  SPEAKER_01: Big, I don't know.
• 0:42
  SPEAKER_01: Let's, you know what?
• 0:43
  SPEAKER_01: We'll work, we'll workshop.
• 0:44
  SPEAKER_01: We'll workshop this.
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_01: Um, welcome back to reverse jackass.
• 0:47
  SPEAKER_01: I am Evelyn Insert Nickname here, and I'm here with Nick.
• 0:51
  SPEAKER_01: Hello.
• 0:51
  SPEAKER_01: Um, who is here.
• 0:53
  SPEAKER_01: He is high energy today.
• 0:55
  SPEAKER_01: This is what I like to see.
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_01: And it's an Evelyn episode today.
• 0:59
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, it is.
• 1:00
  SPEAKER_00: What you've all been waiting for.
• 1:01
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, well, let me tell you, it's a labor of love.
• 1:03
  SPEAKER_01: I am exhausted right now, which is nice, which is really good.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_01: And I was honestly a little scared I wouldn't have a topic today.
• 1:12
  SPEAKER_01: I was, but I know with these topics, I don't choose the topic.
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_01: It chooses the episode.
• 1:18
  SPEAKER_00: That's true.
• 1:19
  SPEAKER_00: We are without agency in this process.
• 1:21
  SPEAKER_01: Yes, in so many ways.
• 1:23
  SPEAKER_01: So I wanted to kind of keep it lighter on me.
• 1:26
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, how convenient.
• 1:28
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 1:28
  SPEAKER_01: But heavier, but but heavier on Nick, but still entertaining.
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_01: I want to give Nick a chance.
• 1:34
  SPEAKER_01: I guess I should speak to you, as though you are in the call right now, which you are.
• 1:38
  SPEAKER_01: I speak, I want to give you a chance to, for lack of a better term, be known tonight.
• 1:45
  SPEAKER_00: Oh God.
• 1:45
  SPEAKER_00: That's like a terrible idea.
• 1:47
  SPEAKER_01: You're like, this is the worst podcast we've ever done.
• 1:49
  SPEAKER_01: Um, I don't know if you're familiar with a late-night show host, Stephen Colbert.
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_01: I've heard of him.
• 1:55
  SPEAKER_01: You've heard of him.
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_01: Um, he would be my my favorite to tune into, in in all honesty.
• 2:00
  SPEAKER_01: And with his guests, every now and then he has a guest come on and he does the Colbert questionnaire.
• 2:07
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 2:08
  SPEAKER_01: And it is a series of questions that he states that by the end of this questionnaire, the guest will be fully known.
• 2:15
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, God.
• 2:16
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 2:17
  SPEAKER_01: Uh the first question on the questionnaire is what is the best sandwich?
• 2:20
  SPEAKER_01: What is the best sandwich?
• 2:21
  SPEAKER_00: Do we do I got all the questions at once, or do I have to go through them?
• 2:24
  SPEAKER_01: Well, that's not the question.
• 2:25
  SPEAKER_01: That was just an example.
• 2:26
  SPEAKER_01: But then there's also like, what is the best smell?
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_01: What is your favorite smell?
• 2:29
  SPEAKER_01: What is your least favorite smell?
• 2:31
  SPEAKER_01: You know, what do you think happens when we die?
• 2:33
  SPEAKER_01: That's a bit of a big one.
• 2:35
  SPEAKER_01: Wow.
• 2:35
  SPEAKER_01: Right?
• 2:36
  SPEAKER_01: The last question he asks is, What does the rest of your life look like, but in five words?
• 2:41
  SPEAKER_01: So it's a real cornucopia.
• 2:43
  SPEAKER_01: I got thinking.
• 2:45
  SPEAKER_01: I I don't want to ask you the Colbert questionnaire.
• 2:47
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 2:48
  SPEAKER_01: Um, but I do believe it's time to be known.
• 2:50
  SPEAKER_01: So I think that it's time for the Flanagan questionnaire.
• 2:55
  SPEAKER_01: And I just need to know if you, Nick Bogner, are ready on reverse jackass to be fully known.
• 3:01
  SPEAKER_00: I'm ready.
• 3:02
  SPEAKER_00: I'm ready to be fully known.
• 3:03
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 3:03
  SPEAKER_00: Sounds scary, but I'm ready.
• 3:05
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 3:05
  SPEAKER_01: I have uh 12 questions ready for you.
• 3:08
  SPEAKER_00: All right, hit me.
• 3:09
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 3:09
  SPEAKER_01: First question.
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_01: How dare you?
• 3:14
  SPEAKER_00: Is that a real question?
• 3:16
  SPEAKER_00: Can you answer it?
• 3:17
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 3:18
  SPEAKER_00: Uh I I met you and I knew I could.
• 3:23
  SPEAKER_00: That is so great.
• 3:26
  SPEAKER_01: That's so great.
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_00: All right.
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_00: So that's one out of 13.
• 3:30
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, you're good so far.
• 3:31
  SPEAKER_01: Question two.
• 3:31
  SPEAKER_01: Dig deep.
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_01: What is the best potato chip?
• 3:35
  SPEAKER_00: You're gonna have to edit for a little bit of swearing.
• 3:38
  SPEAKER_00: No, swearing.
• 3:39
  SPEAKER_00: No, no, no, no.
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_00: Um, for dead air while I think of stuff.
• 3:42
  SPEAKER_00: The best chip.
• 3:43
  SPEAKER_00: The oh, what is the best chip?
• 3:46
  SPEAKER_00: The best chip is the tortilla chips at Tito's Tacos in West LA.
• 3:50
  SPEAKER_00: You add them with Tito's Tacos salsa, it's the best shit ever.
• 3:54
  SPEAKER_00: They've like quadrupled their prices, which makes it less appealing to wait in a line for two hours to get it.
• 3:59
  SPEAKER_01: But if you have a lot of money and a lot of time, Tito's tacos just Wow, I was expecting something like trashy from a bag.
• 4:06
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, they come in a bag.
• 4:07
  SPEAKER_01: No, I mean like like are we?
• 4:09
  SPEAKER_01: Just so you know.
• 4:10
  SPEAKER_00: Actually, they come in a box.
• 4:11
  SPEAKER_00: I I dunked on myself there.
• 4:12
  SPEAKER_00: They come in a small cordboard box.
• 4:14
  SPEAKER_01: Well, see that that just uh okay.
• 4:16
  SPEAKER_01: Well, then what's the best potato chip from a bag?
• 4:19
  SPEAKER_01: Best potato chip.
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_00: Best potato chip from a bag is that's widely available.
• 4:25
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, so it can't be some artisanal potato chip from some local vendor.
• 4:30
  SPEAKER_00: No on the street.
• 4:32
  SPEAKER_01: What's the best nasty Yeah, you've had a shitty day and you're eating your emotions, and the bag is gonna be gone before you roll over and go to bed.
• 4:39
  SPEAKER_00: The best one is uh Lay's ridge cheddar, cheddar and onion, or whatever the cheese one is that they have.
• 4:45
  SPEAKER_00: That's well, they have both.
• 4:46
  SPEAKER_00: They have cheddar and cheddar and onion?
• 4:48
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 4:49
  SPEAKER_00: Oh.
• 4:49
  SPEAKER_00: So I guess you don't care.
• 4:51
  SPEAKER_00: Seasonal, then I guess.
• 4:53
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, if I'm getting potatoes, salt, fat, and cheese, then I'm gonna feel okay about it.
• 4:57
  SPEAKER_01: Excellent.
• 4:58
  SPEAKER_01: Um, question number three What is the best time of day and why?
• 5:03
  SPEAKER_00: Uh the best time of day is midnight because that's when I'm hitting my strongest the peak of my strength and powers.
• 5:09
  SPEAKER_00: Wow.
• 5:10
  SPEAKER_01: You know what?
• 5:10
  SPEAKER_01: That's that's a pretty ballsy thing to say because midnight, you're basically straddling two days.
• 5:15
  SPEAKER_01: Kind of.
• 5:16
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 5:16
  SPEAKER_01: So that's a real power move.
• 5:19
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, yeah, that's how I do it.
• 5:20
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 5:21
  SPEAKER_01: So anyone who's anyone who's listening out there who's wanting to hire Nick for his many speaking engagement services, therapy services, if you have a midnight time slot open on your calendar, you're gonna get the best of Nick at that time.
• 5:34
  SPEAKER_00: Really and truly, Evelyn, this is true.
• 5:36
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, people don't generally want or provide therapy in the middle of the night, but I have done it a little bit and it's awesome.
• 5:42
  SPEAKER_00: I think the latest I ever saw somebody was, I think I saw somebody at 10 for a while.
• 5:45
  SPEAKER_02: Uh-huh.
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_00: Um at 10 p.m.
• 5:47
  SPEAKER_00: And that was A-OK.
• 5:48
  SPEAKER_00: I was wide awake.
• 5:50
  SPEAKER_02: Yes.
• 5:51
  SPEAKER_00: Every now and again I see folks in the morning.
• 5:53
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I think I like to think I'm appropriately transparent with people that it's not my freshest time of the day.
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_01: Mm-hmm.
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_01: Mm-hmm.
• 5:59
  SPEAKER_01: Did anyone recently do anything to help you look more awake in the morning?
• 6:04
  SPEAKER_00: Say, Oh, now it all comes out.
• 6:08
  SPEAKER_00: Now it all comes out.
• 6:09
  SPEAKER_00: I just want to say that yes, but remember that this is on the tail end of somebody repeatedly making fun of me for looking tired in the morning.
• 6:16
  SPEAKER_00: Folks, so you're listening at home.
• 6:17
  SPEAKER_00: No, this is uh, Evelyn, lift your horn so you can toot it more easily.
• 6:21
  SPEAKER_00: Um I tend to look a little rough in the morning, and that's accurate.
• 6:26
  SPEAKER_00: And my eyes get a little baggy in the morning, and that's also accurate.
• 6:29
  SPEAKER_00: And somebody didn't say, Oh no, you look great.
• 6:31
  SPEAKER_00: You're perfect just the way you are.
• 6:33
  SPEAKER_00: Like, go give this talk.
• 6:34
  SPEAKER_00: Evelyn brought me two ice cold cans of coke search and said, Hey, hold these to your eyes before you go give this talk.
• 6:40
  SPEAKER_00: And did it work?
• 6:41
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 6:41
  SPEAKER_00: Was it effective and appropriate?
• 6:42
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 6:43
  SPEAKER_00: Did I look rough before I did it?
• 6:44
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 6:45
  SPEAKER_01: Were they delicious?
• 6:47
  SPEAKER_00: Were they delicious?
• 6:48
  SPEAKER_00: You bet they were.
• 6:49
  SPEAKER_01: See, it's a gift that just never it never stopped.
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_01: It literally never stopped.
• 6:54
  SPEAKER_00: If in perpetuity, yeah.
• 6:55
  SPEAKER_01: And because you're telling the story, this is uh recorded forever.
• 6:59
  SPEAKER_01: So you know what?
• 7:00
  SPEAKER_01: You're welcome.
• 7:01
  SPEAKER_01: Any other songs you'd care to play on your horn?
• 7:03
  SPEAKER_01: On your own.
• 7:04
  SPEAKER_01: Well, we still have eight questions, so there's time to tell.
• 7:06
  SPEAKER_01: Uh, what is the question number four?
• 7:09
  SPEAKER_01: What is the best quality, in your opinion, the best personality quality for a Jersey Mike's employee to have?
• 7:17
  SPEAKER_00: Uh the best, the best personal.
• 7:21
  SPEAKER_00: Oh boy, I hope I don't make any enemies with my local Jersey Mike's people because they do provide a service that's important to me.
• 7:27
  SPEAKER_00: The best quality that a Jersey Mikes employee can have is uh crowd management.
• 7:32
  SPEAKER_00: And so I would say that I don't need it always to be ready when I get there, and I don't need to uh be loved or appreciated, but it would be nice to know where to stand, and it would be nice to be be helped.
• 7:45
  SPEAKER_00: I know again, I don't need to, I don't mean they're not helpful, they are, but it's often after like I stand there like kind of inert for about five minutes and look around, and then they're like, what do you need?
• 7:53
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm like, you got two guesses, you got two guesses, Mike.
• 7:59
  SPEAKER_00: What do you think?
• 8:00
  SPEAKER_01: What do you think?
• 8:01
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I'm I'm not here to stare at you.
• 8:03
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, exactly.
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_01: That would be weird.
• 8:05
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, just um sandwich and a hug.
• 8:07
  SPEAKER_01: So what you so what you're saying is that they need a concierge.
• 8:13
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, I think that every one of us when we enter at Jersey Mike's has a certain expectation of luxury.
• 8:19
  SPEAKER_01: So we're like a front of house manager.
• 8:21
  SPEAKER_00: A front of house manager, absolutely, yeah.
• 8:23
  SPEAKER_00: If anything, uh like a greeter.
• 8:25
  SPEAKER_01: Um, Jersey Mics, if you're listening, if the big ups, the big higher ups in Jersey Mics are listening, um, give us a call.
• 8:37
  SPEAKER_00: And bonus if they have a thick jersey accent.
• 8:39
  SPEAKER_00: I know that's probably harder to do on the West Coast to find somebody who's really chewing their words jersey style, but if you could do it, I think that would add to the I don't know.
• 8:48
  SPEAKER_01: You guys probably have more actors per capita down there.
• 8:50
  SPEAKER_01: So at least you if you don't have a real Jersey chewer, you can you probably have some like reasonable catalyst.
• 8:57
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, like honestly, I'm not it should be so good that I wouldn't know the difference, you know.
• 9:02
  SPEAKER_00: We the authenticity people.
• 9:03
  SPEAKER_00: All right, yeah, that's right.
• 9:04
  SPEAKER_01: That's right.
• 9:05
  SPEAKER_01: Question five.
• 9:05
  SPEAKER_01: Phil, finish the sentence.
• 9:07
  SPEAKER_00: Happiness is uh happiness is something that I gave to you and something that I can take away from you.
• 9:16
  SPEAKER_01: Next.
• 9:18
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, this is maybe this might be the best episode yet.
• 9:21
  SPEAKER_01: Question six.
• 9:22
  SPEAKER_01: What is a hill that you will die on?
• 9:25
  SPEAKER_01: What is a hill that I will die on?
• 9:27
  SPEAKER_00: By the way, careful congratulating us for doing the best work we've ever done.
• 9:30
  SPEAKER_00: Because let me tell you, if we're wrong, people are gonna notice it.
• 9:33
  SPEAKER_00: Have you ever listened to a podcast?
• 9:34
  SPEAKER_00: They're like, oh my god, guys, we're so killing it this week.
• 9:37
  SPEAKER_00: And you're like, yeah, it was awesome.
• 9:39
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, this is a great episode.
• 9:40
  SPEAKER_01: Unsubscribe.
• 9:41
  SPEAKER_01: You know what?
• 9:41
  SPEAKER_01: To be honest, I don't care what the people think.
• 9:43
  SPEAKER_01: Like, I'm getting my kicks here.
• 9:45
  SPEAKER_01: Wow.
• 9:45
  SPEAKER_00: And you hear that lit listening audience?
• 9:48
  SPEAKER_00: F you.
• 9:48
  SPEAKER_01: I'm gonna cut that out.
• 9:50
  SPEAKER_01: Wow, okay.
• 9:52
  SPEAKER_01: No, I'm not.
• 9:52
  SPEAKER_00: You don't have the guts to cut that out.
• 9:54
  SPEAKER_01: I uh right now I don't know what I have.
• 9:56
  SPEAKER_01: I'm just trying to make it for the next 40 minutes of the street.
• 10:00
  SPEAKER_00: You're just trying to stay awake after you're after.
• 10:02
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, Evelyn is coming off of a an enormous delay that got you in at four in the morning.
• 10:07
  SPEAKER_00: Yep.
• 10:07
  SPEAKER_00: So uh and it's currently 8 30 p.m.
• 10:10
  SPEAKER_01: It's 8 30 p.m.
• 10:12
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, four in the morning, also known as one in the morning for you.
• 10:15
  SPEAKER_02: Oh, yeah.
• 10:16
  SPEAKER_01: I wondered if you were still awake.
• 10:18
  SPEAKER_01: That's when you're you know what you were probably rearranging furniture at that time.
• 10:23
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, absolutely.
• 10:24
  SPEAKER_01: You know, crushing it, doing a doing a quick crossfit workout, hopping on the pellet.
• 10:31
  SPEAKER_01: Or your fridge.
• 10:32
  SPEAKER_00: Screw you, yeah, or my finish.
• 10:34
  SPEAKER_00: Fridge of dare.
• 10:35
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, no.
• 10:36
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, so what's a hill that I'm gonna do?
• 10:37
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, what's a hill you'll die on to die on?
• 10:40
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, what is a hill that I'm willing to die on?
• 10:42
  SPEAKER_00: I am so uh okay, so uh a long time ago I was in Chicago and I went to go see a friend's play, and it was a pretty good play.
• 10:52
  SPEAKER_00: And then I got invited to an after party at somebody's house in Chicago, and I went to the house and it was cool.
• 11:00
  SPEAKER_00: And I met a guy, and I, you know, I'm not like a parties guy, and I'm actually kind of like, I like people, but I'm never like, you know, outside of a professional context, I'm never like, oh, I'm gonna meet new people.
• 11:09
  SPEAKER_00: Do you know what I mean?
• 11:10
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not like a person that needs to know a million people, but I met this guy and he was really cool, and he knew one of the members of Ruka Salt personally, and that was a big deal for me.
• 11:18
  SPEAKER_00: And so we're talking about that, and that was great.
• 11:19
  SPEAKER_00: And in the middle of us sitting on this couch and talking, um, somebody they they came in and started watching a videotape of the play that everyone had just seen that they were just in.
• 11:30
  SPEAKER_00: And I paid it no mind because whatever they want to watch on a TV at their party is their business, until somebody turned around from the TV and said, Can you shut the fuck up, please?
• 11:39
  SPEAKER_00: And I and I said, I'm sorry.
• 11:43
  SPEAKER_00: And and I could just feel myself go cold, which is when all the worst stuff happens for me.
• 11:48
  SPEAKER_00: And I said, Excuse me.
• 11:50
  SPEAKER_00: And they said, We're trying to watch this, we're trying to watch the play here, and we can't hear because you're talking.
• 11:54
  SPEAKER_00: And I said, Do you mean this play that we all just got back from watching like an hour ago?
• 11:59
  SPEAKER_00: And they said, Yeah, well, these people didn't get here in time, and so they're watching it.
• 12:03
  SPEAKER_00: I said, These people just flew in and they didn't get here in time, and now we're watching it.
• 12:06
  SPEAKER_00: I said, Oh, well, how about next time you tell them to get the plane that lands on time so that they can get here in time to watch the play that we all went to the theater to watch except for them, and then we can enjoy our party without having to watch the same performance a second time.
• 12:20
  SPEAKER_00: And and just in that moment, because clearly I had lost track of the fact that I didn't really know anybody at this party, the guy next to me goes, Hey, like he just delicately touched my arm, like with a with a gentle kindness and goes, Hey.
• 12:36
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 12:36
  SPEAKER_00: And then I I wasn't worried about getting stomped by the cast of cabaret in the black box theater in Chicago.
• 12:44
  SPEAKER_00: It wasn't like that, but it was like I I nearly got into a real shouting match with somebody.
• 12:48
  SPEAKER_00: And again, I don't specifically remember who invited me to that party, so it surely would have been an embarrassment for them too.
• 12:53
  SPEAKER_00: So I guess I would say the inappropriateness of being verbally attacked by strangers is something that I have very nearly died on many times.
• 13:01
  SPEAKER_00: But for the grace of kind people that have sometimes appeared in my wake.
• 13:06
  SPEAKER_01: Wow.
• 13:06
  SPEAKER_01: Wow.
• 13:06
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, to be honest, I was gonna I would have just been happy with something like plastic bags are superior to paper bags.
• 13:12
  SPEAKER_00: Well, if they ever make a plastic bag that good, then you'll hear about it until then.
• 13:16
  SPEAKER_01: That would be the new deal.
• 13:17
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 13:18
  SPEAKER_01: It's theater, it's theater.
• 13:20
  SPEAKER_01: And if someone's being a douche, then that's a hit.
• 13:23
  SPEAKER_00: There was a nicer way to ask me.
• 13:24
  SPEAKER_00: There just there just was.
• 13:26
  SPEAKER_00: And then the reason really didn't stand up to scrutiny, did it?
• 13:28
  SPEAKER_00: They just landed here and we have to watch this performance.
• 13:31
  SPEAKER_00: Also, is there a more theater kid thing in the world than having an after party where you show the fucking play that everybody just saw?
• 13:38
  SPEAKER_00: I can't think of anything worse.
• 13:40
  SPEAKER_01: That to me is not an after party.
• 13:41
  SPEAKER_01: Like an after party isn't that where everyone like the surprise hookups happen and you're drinking, and then someone like inevitably people are getting really emotional and there's a lot of crying.
• 13:53
  SPEAKER_01: And like, I don't, I don't need to go through and see the play that we just did.
• 13:57
  SPEAKER_00: Uh for whatever they were trying to stoke up in their own souls was deeply related, closely related to being able to watch the play a second time.
• 14:05
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe they were too old to hook up.
• 14:06
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know.
• 14:07
  SPEAKER_00: There was certainly drinking going on at Chicago.
• 14:09
  SPEAKER_00: Um, it's they know how to drink there.
• 14:11
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, but they don't know how to get to the theater on time, in my experience.
• 14:17
  SPEAKER_01: They don't.
• 14:18
  SPEAKER_00: They wow, that is actually that's not fair because actually everybody from Chicago was at the show on time.
• 14:22
  SPEAKER_00: It was whoever fluid from wherever they flew out of.
• 14:24
  SPEAKER_00: So I should find out where those people were from 20 years ago and say people from you know what?
• 14:28
  SPEAKER_00: Fuck you and fuck your city.
• 14:29
  SPEAKER_00: Jersey coming in.
• 14:31
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, you didn't get here on time?
• 14:33
  SPEAKER_01: Jersey mic.
• 14:33
  SPEAKER_01: That's oh he was too busy telling you where to stand.
• 14:37
  SPEAKER_01: Question seven.
• 14:39
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 14:40
  SPEAKER_01: Think short.
• 14:40
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, think keep it short.
• 14:42
  SPEAKER_01: If your anxiety had a catchphrase, what would it be?
• 14:45
  SPEAKER_01: Hey, stupid, I'm never leaving.
• 14:50
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 14:52
  SPEAKER_01: Speed with which you came up with that was alarming.
• 14:54
  SPEAKER_01: We'll talk about that after.
• 14:56
  SPEAKER_01: Question eight.
• 14:57
  SPEAKER_01: Would you would you rather be slightly too warm forever or slightly too damp?
• 15:04
  SPEAKER_00: I like to sweat, but I don't like being sweaty.
• 15:08
  SPEAKER_00: And if we're talking about forever, I can't be sweaty for the rest of my life.
• 15:11
  SPEAKER_00: So I guess warm?
• 15:13
  SPEAKER_00: You didn't.
• 15:14
  SPEAKER_00: But I hate that you gave me this binary.
• 15:16
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, it's never it can't be warm, too warm or too cold, because I knew which one you'd pick.
• 15:20
  SPEAKER_01: You would never want to be too cold, right?
• 15:22
  SPEAKER_01: I know, I know that well.
• 15:23
  SPEAKER_01: I know you well.
• 15:24
  SPEAKER_01: You did say when we were at the zoo in the in the heat of Palm Desert, watching a wart hog, you did say that you were made for the desert.
• 15:36
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, that was accurate.
• 15:38
  SPEAKER_00: Me and that warthog.
• 15:39
  SPEAKER_00: Absolutely.
• 15:39
  SPEAKER_00: Watching him sun himself, I just thought I looked at that back hair, yeah, um, and his sort of his sort of wide face, and I thought, me too, Pumba, me too.
• 15:51
  SPEAKER_00: Is that the name of the one in the line game?
• 15:53
  SPEAKER_00: I can't remember.
• 15:54
  SPEAKER_01: Pumba.
• 15:55
  SPEAKER_01: Who's the other one?
• 15:56
  SPEAKER_00: Uh Slade.
• 16:00
  SPEAKER_00: Close, I'm sure.
• 16:01
  SPEAKER_00: You have a really cool name.
• 16:02
  SPEAKER_01: All I can think of is Jafar, but that's the yoga is from Aladdin, right?
• 16:07
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 16:08
  SPEAKER_01: Pumba.
• 16:09
  SPEAKER_01: T Timon?
• 16:11
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know.
• 16:12
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, Timon is the little mirror cat.
• 16:14
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, thank God.
• 16:15
  SPEAKER_01: Thank God we cleared that up.
• 16:17
  SPEAKER_01: I'm probably gonna cut that out too.
• 16:19
  SPEAKER_01: Next question.
• 16:21
  SPEAKER_00: No, I want people to hear that you came up with Jafar.
• 16:24
  SPEAKER_01: I just I just need you to know that anytime I say I'm cutting something out, I'm literally never cutting it out.
• 16:29
  SPEAKER_01: Question nine.
• 16:30
  SPEAKER_01: If you disappeared suddenly, the last place people should look for you would be if I disappeared suddenly, the last place that people should look for me would be at the after party of a black box theater production in Chicago.
• 16:47
  SPEAKER_00: I don't think I can get invited to them anymore.
• 16:49
  SPEAKER_00: I don't think I'm probably welcome.
• 16:50
  SPEAKER_00: I haven't been invited to one since then.
• 16:51
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know if that's coincidental or not.
• 16:53
  SPEAKER_00: I uh second it must be an honorable mention would be at a at a CrossFit business.
• 17:00
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 17:02
  SPEAKER_01: So either, okay, Nick Bagner goes totally goes missing.
• 17:06
  SPEAKER_01: Like the we wake up tomorrow morning, you're nowhere to be found.
• 17:08
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, the two places we can for sure scratch out are that one after party.
• 17:14
  SPEAKER_01: Any after party in Chicago.
• 17:17
  SPEAKER_01: Any any theater after party in Chicago?
• 17:18
  SPEAKER_01: Theater after party in Chicago.
• 17:19
  SPEAKER_01: Or CrossFit Gym.
• 17:22
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 17:23
  SPEAKER_01: You know what?
• 17:23
  SPEAKER_01: I think I think that really does narrow it down.
• 17:25
  SPEAKER_00: In fact, also, I mean, I think that's where I would say to go if you're if you don't want to be haunted by my ghost.
• 17:30
  SPEAKER_00: That's a great like you're always safe at the CrossFit Gym.
• 17:34
  SPEAKER_01: That's great.
• 17:35
  SPEAKER_01: That's that's that is a oh, I wish I had thought of that question.
• 17:38
  SPEAKER_01: That's a good one.
• 17:39
  SPEAKER_01: It's essentially asking the same thing, but I like your um wording better.
• 17:44
  SPEAKER_01: Question 10.
• 17:45
  SPEAKER_01: If your life had a background noise, not a soundtrack or a song, a background noise, what would it be?
• 17:52
  SPEAKER_00: Am I experiencing this or are other people experiencing this as they experience me?
• 17:55
  SPEAKER_01: Meaning, like, is this from Oh, we're watching a documentary of your life.
• 17:59
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 18:00
  SPEAKER_01: And this is the background noise.
• 18:02
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, does it have to be?
• 18:05
  SPEAKER_00: Are we making a statement with it, or do I just get to choose a background noise from the right?
• 18:08
  SPEAKER_00: Go with your gut.
• 18:09
  SPEAKER_00: Go with your gut.
• 18:10
  SPEAKER_00: Because my gut says a documentary about me probably wouldn't be very fun or very interesting.
• 18:15
  SPEAKER_00: But having a long, unceasing fart from the beginning of it to the end of it that just I don't know, you'd have to use some kind of sound effects or something to make it last an hour and a half, but it just it starts right as the credits start and just kind of and it just goes.
• 18:30
  SPEAKER_01: Does it change does it change in timbre and tone?
• 18:33
  SPEAKER_01: Minimally.
• 18:34
  SPEAKER_01: Like for the most part, it is just a wall of fart sound.
• 18:37
  SPEAKER_01: Minimally, but you know you're hearing a fart.
• 18:39
  SPEAKER_00: Right?
• 18:40
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 18:41
  SPEAKER_01: You know what?
• 18:44
  SPEAKER_01: I can't say I would I can't say I would have said the same sound for you.
• 18:47
  SPEAKER_01: I think I would have maybe I would have just had like a constant opening of a Coke can.
• 18:53
  SPEAKER_01: Maybe.
• 18:53
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, that's just yeah, that's already there.
• 18:55
  SPEAKER_01: It's it's refreshing.
• 18:56
  SPEAKER_01: Maybe a little too on the nose, I guess if we're being honest, too on the nose.
• 19:00
  SPEAKER_00: Or in Dumb and Dumber when Jim Carrey does the most annoying sound in the world.
• 19:03
  SPEAKER_00: Do you know the what I'm talking about?
• 19:05
  SPEAKER_01: Uh like the e sounds.
• 19:08
  SPEAKER_00: No, it's it's a little more of a I mean, I won't do it on this.
• 19:11
  SPEAKER_00: If you all haven't seen Dumb and Dumber Dumb and Dumber, go and watch the part where he does the most annoying sound in the world.
• 19:16
  SPEAKER_00: But uh, you could do that.
• 19:17
  SPEAKER_00: You could do that for the whole hour and a half.
• 19:19
  SPEAKER_00: I could do that for an hour and a half documentary.
• 19:22
  SPEAKER_01: Noted.
• 19:23
  SPEAKER_01: You heard it here first, Ken Burns.
• 19:25
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 19:26
  SPEAKER_01: Uh prepare the the AI fart sound.
• 19:29
  SPEAKER_01: Well, it'll have to be AI.
• 19:30
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, we don't know what kind of talent is out there.
• 19:32
  SPEAKER_01: Touche.
• 19:33
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, that's you're not wrong about that.
• 19:35
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, okay, two questions left.
• 19:36
  SPEAKER_01: How are we doing?
• 19:37
  SPEAKER_01: Do you need a gator gate or anything?
• 19:38
  SPEAKER_01: Like, no, I mean, I got my coke.
• 19:40
  SPEAKER_01: I'm just replenish your electrolytes here.
• 19:42
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 19:43
  SPEAKER_01: Next question.
• 19:44
  SPEAKER_01: If your life were a book, what would the title of your next chapter be?
• 19:49
  SPEAKER_01: If my life were a book, what would the title of my next chapter be?
• 19:52
  SPEAKER_01: Like you can be like what you're on the cusp of, maybe even what you're in right now.
• 19:57
  SPEAKER_01: Well, what you're in right now, or what you're in right now.
• 19:58
  SPEAKER_01: Let's say what you're in right now.
• 20:00
  SPEAKER_00: It's gonna be called the next one.
• 20:01
  SPEAKER_00: Uh Eight egregious things I didn't realize I was fucking up at the time.
• 20:05
  SPEAKER_00: Speaking of anxiety.
• 20:07
  SPEAKER_01: Speaking of anxiety.
• 20:08
  SPEAKER_01: Wait, what was the anxiety phrase again?
• 20:10
  SPEAKER_01: Well I'm never leaving.
• 20:11
  SPEAKER_00: Stupid, I'm never leaving.
• 20:12
  SPEAKER_01: You know what?
• 20:13
  SPEAKER_01: That would be a great title.
• 20:14
  SPEAKER_01: What's up, stupid?
• 20:15
  SPEAKER_01: I'm never leaving.
• 20:16
  SPEAKER_01: And then the subtitle is eight egregious things.
• 20:19
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't know I was fucking up at the time.
• 20:21
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 20:22
  SPEAKER_00: We're just waiting.
• 20:23
  SPEAKER_00: We're just waiting to wait for all those birds to come home and nest.
• 20:26
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, you know what?
• 20:27
  SPEAKER_01: I can see it coming.
• 20:28
  SPEAKER_01: I can see it coming.
• 20:28
  SPEAKER_01: I can sketch out a rough outline for you before our meeting on Wednesday.
• 20:31
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, that's horrifying.
• 20:36
  SPEAKER_01: That would be the title, that would be the title of my book.
• 20:38
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, that's horrifying.
• 20:40
  SPEAKER_01: Last question.
• 20:41
  SPEAKER_01: This is gonna bring everything home.
• 20:43
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 20:44
  SPEAKER_01: Oh boy.
• 20:44
  SPEAKER_01: I just really need you to.
• 20:46
  SPEAKER_01: I'm ready.
• 20:47
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 20:48
  SPEAKER_01: You get one free pass to dramatically and passionately storm out of a room.
• 20:54
  SPEAKER_01: What is the scene and why are you storming out?
• 20:58
  SPEAKER_00: One free pass to dramatically storm out of a room.
• 21:01
  SPEAKER_00: What is the scene?
• 21:02
  SPEAKER_00: And why are you storming out?
• 21:04
  SPEAKER_00: And why am I storming out?
• 21:05
  SPEAKER_01: Sit on it for a bit.
• 21:06
  SPEAKER_01: Sit on it for a bit.
• 21:07
  SPEAKER_01: We got time.
• 21:09
  SPEAKER_00: If I could storm out of anywhere, it would be a very, very cute wedding thrown by somebody who needed everything to be just so.
• 21:22
  SPEAKER_00: And the reason that I would do it is because in life it's not about the outcomes, it's about the journey.
• 21:31
  SPEAKER_00: Wow.
• 21:33
  SPEAKER_00: If pretty good, right?
• 21:35
  SPEAKER_01: That is that is incredible.
• 21:39
  SPEAKER_01: Nick, congratulations.
• 21:40
  SPEAKER_01: You are you are fully known only by the flagan questionnaire.
• 21:45
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you.
• 21:45
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you for providing these eye-opening questions.
• 21:48
  SPEAKER_00: And if I can just provide a little extra content on the end here, because this made me think of it.
• 21:52
  SPEAKER_00: There was a a wedding that I went to many years ago for a friend, and I made a gaff.
• 21:58
  SPEAKER_00: I made a gaff at this.
• 22:00
  SPEAKER_00: Swedding.
• 22:00
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 22:01
  SPEAKER_00: And the gaff at this wedding was this was this was long before the days of like us having GPS that went with us everywhere where things were easy.
• 22:08
  SPEAKER_00: The gaff I made was that I m accidentally misfollowed the map that was given out of the wedding thing, and I uh and I was very late for the reception.
• 22:16
  SPEAKER_00: It was for no other reason other than that I'm bad at directions, right?
• 22:21
  SPEAKER_00: And so the host was ungracious about me being late, even though I was embarrassed and mortified and apologetic, and nobody else at the wedding cared.
• 22:29
  SPEAKER_00: But I also want to say that the bridesmaids toast, which they gave together, involved at least one racist remark and a fart joke.
• 22:37
  SPEAKER_02: Oh.
• 22:38
  SPEAKER_00: And that they insisted on doing the tradition of throwing the garter, which is fine.
• 22:44
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm a tall guy, I caught the garter.
• 22:45
  SPEAKER_00: But then they had a tradition that I was not aware of, but that is apparently pretty mainstream, where the person, do you know where I'm going with this?
• 22:51
  SPEAKER_00: The person that catches the garter has to put it on the person who caught the bouquet.
• 22:55
  SPEAKER_00: Had never had caught a few garters in my lifetime.
• 22:57
  SPEAKER_00: Oh never had that happen.
• 22:59
  SPEAKER_00: And let me just say that to say that the woman who caught the bouquet was upset about this would be an understatement.
• 23:05
  SPEAKER_00: Oh and yet it had to happen.
• 23:09
  SPEAKER_00: And she cried.
• 23:11
  SPEAKER_00: Oh and I said, Hey guys, what and they're like, we gotta get a picture of it.
• 23:16
  SPEAKER_00: And I was like, hey guys, what if we just take a picture of her and me and we're just holding these things?
• 23:21
  SPEAKER_00: And they're like, no, you gotta put it on her.
• 23:23
  SPEAKER_00: And she's got tears.
• 23:24
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm going, I don't know, guys.
• 23:26
  SPEAKER_00: What if we just like and I'm negotiating, right?
• 23:29
  SPEAKER_00: And she's just so horrified.
• 23:31
  SPEAKER_00: And I didn't storm out, although that would have been a good time to do it.
• 23:35
  SPEAKER_00: Instead, I put it like on her ankle and said, This is great, take a photograph.
• 23:41
  SPEAKER_00: And then they took a photograph and we were done with it.
• 23:42
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I want to be, I want to emphasize that I was really not trying to conspire with the people that would make this woman physically uncomfortable at this wedding.
• 23:49
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 23:49
  SPEAKER_00: But the older I get, the more I think, why was I the one that got yelled at at this wedding?
• 23:54
  SPEAKER_00: And so I just want to say ahead of time that whoever's wedding I eventually storm out of because it's my right, and because life is about journey and not about outcomes, it will be because somebody was cruel to me in 2004.
• 24:08
  SPEAKER_01: And you know what?
• 24:09
  SPEAKER_01: I think that's the most relatable thing that anyone will ever hear in any podcast ever recorded in the history of yeah.
• 24:18
  SPEAKER_01: Like you heard it here first, you heard it, and you can't unhear it.
• 24:22
  SPEAKER_00: Yep.
• 24:24
  SPEAKER_00: So now you've been on a journey with us.
• 24:26
  SPEAKER_00: Now you know me, audience.
• 24:27
  SPEAKER_00: Hopefully, this doesn't make you want to listen to our podcast any less now that you fully know me, now that I'm fully seen and fully understood.
• 24:34
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and I will let I will release you all to the rest of your podcast to consider the the new information about me that you know how have to integrate into our relationship.
• 24:43
  SPEAKER_00: And until next week, if you're still here, I'm Nick.
• 24:45
  SPEAKER_00: With me as always is Evelyn, um sticky syrup flannigan.
• 24:49
  SPEAKER_00: And we I don't know if I like that anymore, but we'll work it.
• 24:52
  SPEAKER_00: You better work, look, work it, figure it out.
• 24:56
  SPEAKER_00: I will, you know what I mean?
• 24:57
  SPEAKER_00: I will because you came up with a Canadian blade, you came up with big syrup.
• 25:01
  SPEAKER_00: I'm just I'm literally just using cobbling together things that you give me into this thing.
• 25:06
  SPEAKER_01: I know.
• 25:06
  SPEAKER_01: I know.
• 25:07
  SPEAKER_01: Look, I'm doing my best, and for now, it's just me, Evelyn.
• 25:11
  SPEAKER_01: Let's go back to the Canadian blade, and I'm here with Nick Garterankle Bogner.
• 25:16
  SPEAKER_00: Painful but accurate.
• 25:17
  SPEAKER_00: And we will see you next week on the Reverse Jackass podcast.
• 25:20
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you for joining us.
• 25:21
  SPEAKER_01: Some neighbors are besties, others quarrel bitterly.
• 25:25
  SPEAKER_00: Stuck together through geography.
• 25:29
  SPEAKER_00: One of us has nukes.
• 25:31
  SPEAKER_01: And the other has tokes.
• 25:33
  SPEAKER_01: It's American Canadian diplomacy.
• 25:38
  SPEAKER_02: It's reversed.