Latest / Inner Work With MaryAnn Walker: Life Coach for People Pleasers / 221: Am I a People Pleaser? 8 Questions to Help You Find Out

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221: Am I a People Pleaser? 8 Questions to Help You Find Out · Inner Work With MaryAnn Walker: Life Coach for People Pleasers

• 0:21
  Speaker 2: Well, hello and welcome back.
• 0:22
  Speaker 2: Now, one of the most common questions that I get asked is,"MaryAnn, am I actually a people pleaser?
• 0:28
  Speaker 2: I've been listening for a while now, and, you know, a lot of things resonate, but I'm not sure if I'm a people pleaser or not.
• 0:34
  Speaker 2: And honestly, I'm not sure if that's a bad thing or not.
• 0:37
  Speaker 2: Isn't it a nice thing to do for other people to make other people happy?
• 0:41
  Speaker 2: Can you clarify that for me?" And so today we're going to be talking about eight questions to ask yourself or eight patterns that might be showing up for you to let you know if people pleasing is a problem for you.
• 0:51
  Speaker 2: Because yes, for some people, it just feels so good to show up in love and kindness, and it feels amazing, and that's its own reward.
• 0:58
  Speaker 2: But for other people, when these patterns start to sneak in, then it's time to do a little bit of a self-assessment to see if it's time to put in any boundaries or to kind of rework how you're showing up in life.
• 1:09
  Speaker 2: So as you're listening, as I share these eight things, I want you to really pay attention and kind of keep a mental note as to how many of these resonate with you.
• 1:17
  Speaker 2: Because at the end of today's episode, I'm going to let you know about something I'm rolling out that I am super excited about that can help you to work through these patterns.
• 1:25
  Speaker 2: So question number one: Are you willing to ask for what it is that you need?
• 1:30
  Speaker 2: maybe you're somebody that knows that you have needs, but you kind of struggle to vocalize them.
• 1:34
  Speaker 2: Or maybe you think,"Well, you know what?
• 1:35
  Speaker 2: I think other people should just kind of notice that I have needs and then fulfill them.
• 1:39
  Speaker 2: I shouldn't have to ask." Or maybe you're starting to feel kind of a little bit confused or neglected when your needs aren't met in relationship because you're showing up so well.
• 1:48
  Speaker 2: You tend to think,"But I'm showing up so well for them.
• 1:51
  Speaker 2: I've already modeled how it is that I want them to show up for me.
• 1:54
  Speaker 2: Why aren't they doing it?" if this is you, I want you to ask yourself,"How willing am I to ask for what it is that I need in a relationship?" It is really easy to assume that everybody notices other people in the same way that we do.
• 2:09
  Speaker 2: But I will say that the majority of my listeners are highly sensitive people, and some are even empaths.
• 2:15
  Speaker 2: Considering that only 15 to 30% of the population are highly sensitive people, and only one to 2% are empaths, then I think it's safe to say that your level of sensitivity is pretty different from the other people that you're in relationship with.
• 2:30
  Speaker 2: You are incredibly perceptive.
• 2:32
  Speaker 2: You notice people's facial expressions.
• 2:34
  Speaker 2: You notice when their tone of voice changes.
• 2:36
  Speaker 2: You notice how the energy shifts when somebody says something or when somebody else walks into the room.
• 2:41
  Speaker 2: But not everybody experiences the world in that way.
• 2:45
  Speaker 2: You are simply more aware of other people than they are of you.
• 2:50
  Speaker 2: And so, yeah, it is easy to assume that other people should respond in the same way that we do, or be as sensitive to microexpressions, be as sensitive to our emotions, be as sensitive to our needs as we are to theirs.
• 3:01
  Speaker 2: ..But the majority of the population, they really need things explained to them.
• 3:06
  Speaker 2: I mean, yes, if you are blessed enough to be in a relationship with another highly sensitive person or an empath, it is highly likely that your needs are also getting met in a relationship.
• 3:16
  Speaker 2: But if you are in a relationship with the roughly 80% of the population that isn't as sensitive, then you might actually be putting your friends, your family, your partner at a disadvantage by not speaking up, by not telling them what it is that you need in a relationship because they simply aren't as sensitive, and they just don't know.
• 3:36
  Speaker 2: Now, if you would like to learn more about the three different types of empathizers, so that's empaths, highly sensitive people, and cognitive empathizers, then come and check out episode 123.
• 3:45
  Speaker 2: I will be linking it in the show notes.
• 3:47
  Speaker 2: But for today, just remember that if your needs are remaining silent in your head, if you're never giving voice to what it is that you need, then your needs are rarely going to get met.
• 3:56
  Speaker 2: So a good question to ask yourself here is: Where in my life am I waiting to be asked what it is that I need instead of volunteering what it is that I need?
• 4:06
  Speaker 2: All right, question number two: Do your relationships feel out of balance?
• 4:09
  Speaker 2: Now, in this segment, I'm gonna be talking specifically about the giver-taker dynamic, okay?
• 4:13
  Speaker 2: So this is where one person is always giving, and the other person is always taking.
• 4:18
  Speaker 2: And in the beginning, it feels so good, and even the taker is probably gonna say,"Wow, I have never been poured into as much as I've been poured into by you.
• 4:26
  Speaker 2: This feels so amazing." And you're getting that praise, and you're getting that validation, and it feels so good.
• 4:32
  Speaker 2: But over time, you might begin to notice that, huh, this is very lopsided.
• 4:37
  Speaker 2: I don't have anything coming in for me.
• 4:39
  Speaker 2: And then you might be feeling like you have an empty bucket.
• 4:42
  Speaker 2: Now, let's imagine for a moment that you have an entire bucket of tennis balls and you wanna go play with a friend at a park.
• 4:48
  Speaker 2: So you call them up and you say,"Hey, I have a whole bucket of balls.
• 4:50
  Speaker 2: Do you wanna go play with me?" And they say,"Oh yeah, that sounds like so much fun." So you go to the park and you start throwing balls over that net.
• 4:57
  Speaker 2: And, you know, none of the balls are coming back, but you're kinda making up excuses for them.
• 5:01
  Speaker 2: You're thinking,"Oh, well, they're just new to this.
• 5:02
  Speaker 2: They don't know how to play.
• 5:04
  Speaker 2: They're still figuring it out.
• 5:05
  Speaker 2: After they watch me do this enough, then they'll start to return the balls and it's going to be okay." But over time, you notice that your bucket, it's becoming more and more empty.
• 5:15
  Speaker 2: The balls aren't coming back.
• 5:17
  Speaker 2: And maybe at this point you even ask them about it.
• 5:19
  Speaker 2: You say,"Hey, I'm running low on balls.
• 5:21
  Speaker 2: Do you think you could send some back?" And if you're in a relationship with a true taker, then their reply might sound something like,"Hey, you're the one that invited me here to play.
• 5:30
  Speaker 2: If you wanna continue to play, you better get more balls,'cause you told me that you were gonna show up with the balls, and now you want me to throw them back to you?
• 5:36
  Speaker 2: It's starting to seem like this is tit for tat.
• 5:38
  Speaker 2: You only invited me here so that I would send balls back to you." And you're trying to explain that that's not the case, but the balls aren't coming back, and soon it's literally game over.
• 5:50
  Speaker 2: You have nothing left to go back over the net.
• 5:53
  Speaker 2: And this is true of our relationships as well.
• 5:57
  Speaker 2: Healthy relationships, they require an exchange.
• 6:01
  Speaker 2: If all the balls are on one side of the court, it's not a game anymore, and it's not fun.
• 6:07
  Speaker 2: And no, it doesn't need to be perfectly balanced.
• 6:09
  Speaker 2: You know, there's always going to be an imbalance when it comes to how many balls are on which side of the net, but there should be something coming back in every now and then so that you can also have your bucket filled.
• 6:21
  Speaker 2: So maybe for you, the imbalance is showing up as emotional labor, where you're always holding space for them, but they don't seem to have the capacity to hold space for you.
• 6:28
  Speaker 2: Or maybe you're always the one initiating getting together, initiating phone calls, birthday celebrations, and that's not being reciprocated.
• 6:36
  Speaker 2: Or maybe you're the one always doing the checking in and they're never checking in on you.
• 6:41
  Speaker 2: Now imbalance, it happens for all kinds of reasons, and it's good to be sensitive about that, that sometimes people just don't have the capacity.
• 6:48
  Speaker 2: But sometimes we're feeling depleted because of our own over-giving.
• 6:53
  Speaker 2: And sometimes it's because the other person, they're unaware of our needs, and also sometimes, yes, it's because they're unwilling or unable to return any balls.
• 7:01
  Speaker 2: And that's just important for you to note, okay?
• 7:03
  Speaker 2: But, uh, what I want you to know is that making requests for what it is that you need in a relationship, that that can make all the difference.
• 7:10
  Speaker 2: It's going to make it significantly more likely for your needs to get met if you're willing to give voice to what it is that you need.
• 7:17
  Speaker 2: All right, question number three.
• 7:18
  Speaker 2: Do you feel loved for who you are in a relationship, or do you feel loved for what it is that you do in a relationship?
• 7:25
  Speaker 2: In other words, if I were to ask you,"Okay, how would you describe your role in relationship?" What would you say?
• 7:31
  Speaker 2: Would you tell me,"Oh, I'm the caregiver.
• 7:33
  Speaker 2: I'm the mediator.
• 7:34
  Speaker 2: I'm the unpaid coach or therapist"?
• 7:37
  Speaker 2: If so, then just ask yourself,"Okay, if I stop performing that role, who would I be?" Because yes, it is wonderful to contribute in relationship, and it can feel so rewarding to be able to fulfill that role for other people.
• 7:50
  Speaker 2: But if you feel like all that you are is this role in a relationship, and you're not even sure who it is that you are outside of that role anymore, it's time for some coaching.
• 8:00
  Speaker 2: For many people, then each stage of life, it requires a little bit of a reassessment.
• 8:05
  Speaker 2: So for example, when you have young kids at home, then you're probably taking on the role of doctor, chauffeur, chef, therapist, educator, housekeeper, and so much more.
• 8:16
  Speaker 2: And when those roles take up so much of your time and energy, then it can be hard to remember who it is that you are outside of those roles.
• 8:24
  Speaker 2: And then once the kids leave the nest, then it often creates a little bit of an identity crisis, all right?
• 8:29
  Speaker 2: And what I've noticed a lot is for many people, because they fulfilled those roles for their children and the kids are now gone, now they're trying to, since that's how they've identified, they're trying to fulfill those roles for other people.
• 8:40
  Speaker 2: But it's also creating those out-of-balance relationships.
• 8:43
  Speaker 2: You are so much more than what it is that you do for other people.
• 8:48
  Speaker 2: And if you need help discovering who you are outside of those roles, then please come and work with me or another coach.
• 8:55
  Speaker 2: Question number four, do you feel like you're constantly trying to prove yourself?
• 8:59
  Speaker 2: Now, proving yourself, it generally comes from one of two thoughts.
• 9:02
  Speaker 2: It either comes from I'm not enough or I'm too much, and often we're kind of ping-ponging between both of those thoughts simultaneously that can kind of create this impossible double bind where we're just constantly proving.
• 9:13
  Speaker 2: We're trying to toe the line so that we're exactly in the middle, and we're not too much, and we're not enough.
• 9:19
  Speaker 2: But that is so exhausting.
• 9:21
  Speaker 2: And maybe you've even received this messaging from other people along the way.
• 9:24
  Speaker 2: They're either too much or not enough.
• 9:25
  Speaker 2: Maybe they've explicitly told you,"Hey, you're not showing up well enough.
• 9:29
  Speaker 2: You're not giving enough.
• 9:30
  Speaker 2: You're not sacrificing enough.
• 9:32
  Speaker 2: You're not helpful enough.
• 9:33
  Speaker 2: You're too needy.
• 9:34
  Speaker 2: You're too demanding.
• 9:35
  Speaker 2: You're too emotional.
• 9:36
  Speaker 2: Your expectations are too high." Maybe other people have explicitly told you that.
• 9:42
  Speaker 2: But what I find even more common is people are telling themselves that.
• 9:46
  Speaker 2: They're making that self-judgment.
• 9:48
  Speaker 2: They're constantly trying to prove to themselves that they're just right.
• 9:52
  Speaker 2: So they spend their whole life trying to walk that balance beam of not being too much and not being not enough, and stay in that exact little three-inch square of perfectness, and that's just not realistic Question number five: Do you feel personally responsible for other people's emotions?
• 10:09
  Speaker 2: Now, this is where the hypervigilance shows up.
• 10:11
  Speaker 2: Are you hypersensitive to other people's emotional experiences, and do you feel personally responsible for helping them to feel better?
• 10:18
  Speaker 2: This can show up in all sorts of ways.
• 10:19
  Speaker 2: I know we've talked about it multiple times here on the podcast.
• 10:22
  Speaker 2: But notice if you feel yourself experiencing dysregulation because someone else is having an emotion.
• 10:28
  Speaker 2: Often, when you feel responsible for other people's emotions, it's because you're trying to negate responsibility for your own emotions.
• 10:35
  Speaker 2: You have this belief that if I can just control everybody else, if I can just make sure everyone else is happy, then I can be happy.
• 10:43
  Speaker 2: Then I can relax.
• 10:44
  Speaker 2: But this comes through that hypervigilance of, oh, I'm gonna make my own personal wellness conditional upon everyone around me being okay, and that's no way to live.
• 10:54
  Speaker 2: In fact, it is pretty exhausting.
• 10:56
  Speaker 2: So ask yourself,"What emotions am I currently carrying, and are they mine to carry?
• 11:02
  Speaker 2: Or am I robbing someone else of learning how to navigate their own emotional experience?" Question number six: Are you uncomfortable having needs?
• 11:11
  Speaker 2: Now, I get it.
• 11:11
  Speaker 2: This one's pretty similar to asking for needs, but are you someone who is willing to acknowledge that you have needs, or do you try to kind of hide that about yourself?
• 11:19
  Speaker 2: Very often, then people, they tend to hold themselves to a different standard as everyone else.
• 11:24
  Speaker 2: They think,"Well, it's okay for them to have needs, but I should be self-reliant.
• 11:27
  Speaker 2: I should be self-sufficient.
• 11:28
  Speaker 2: I shouldn't have any problems.
• 11:30
  Speaker 2: I should be able to navigate this on my own." And often they have that belief because they think,"But I'll be a burden if I have needs." So they shrink their own needs.
• 11:39
  Speaker 2: They keep themselves small.
• 11:41
  Speaker 2: And because they've worked so hard to prove that they don't have needs, then they might even deny it themselves.
• 11:46
  Speaker 2: They might not even be aware anymore that they have needs.
• 11:49
  Speaker 2: But I want you to know that if you are a human being on this planet, you have needs, and your needs are valid.
• 11:55
  Speaker 2: So ask yourself,"In what relationships do I have the belief that simply having needs, it makes me too much for other people?
• 12:02
  Speaker 2: And what might happen if I allowed myself to be seen in that relationship?" Okay, question number seven.
• 12:10
  Speaker 2: Is there a conversation that you have been avoiding?
• 12:13
  Speaker 2: Am I conflict avoidant?
• 12:14
  Speaker 2: Okay?
• 12:15
  Speaker 2: Ask yourself,'cause generally that's what's happening, is when you're avoiding a conversation, like you might have a need, a want, a desire that you want to express, but you don't wanna bring it up generally'cause you're really conflict avoidant, all right?
• 12:26
  Speaker 2: So ask yourself,"Are there things that I would like to change about my relationship but I've never actually given voice to it?" For example, would you like to have date nights that are outside of the house instead of just watching TV at home?
• 12:36
  Speaker 2: And what's stopping you from planning that date?
• 12:39
  Speaker 2: Would you like to have phone calls that go in both directions rather than having it be all on your shoulders?
• 12:44
  Speaker 2: And if so, what is stopping you from letting them know?
• 12:47
  Speaker 2: Would you like to readdress the division of labor in the home now that your work schedule has changed?
• 12:52
  Speaker 2: And if so, what is getting in the way of having that conversation?
• 12:56
  Speaker 2: Think for a moment about what one change you would like to make in your relationships, and then ask yourself,"Okay, what is getting in the way of my making that change?" Oftentimes it's fear that's getting in the way, a fear of the very things that we've talked about today, a fear of being seen as too much, as too needy, as too inconvenient, as too demanding.
• 13:15
  Speaker 2: Or it might simply be just a fear of the unknown.
• 13:18
  Speaker 2: That, okay, well, I've never made a request in a relationship before.
• 13:21
  Speaker 2: I don't know how it's gonna play out.
• 13:22
  Speaker 2: I don't know if they're gonna be upset.
• 13:24
  Speaker 2: I don't know if they're gonna say,"Oh, yeah, that's simple.
• 13:26
  Speaker 2: Of course, I can fulfill that for you." I don't know what's going to happen, so it's better for me to not say anything at all.
• 13:32
  Speaker 2: It's better for me to stay small.
• 13:33
  Speaker 2: It's better for me to stay stuck.
• 13:35
  Speaker 2: But what if they say yes?
• 13:38
  Speaker 2: What if you make a request and they say yes?
• 13:40
  Speaker 2: What if the change that you're seeking is actually closer than you think?
• 13:45
  Speaker 2: All right, question number eight: Do you feel like somehow you've lost yourself along the way?
• 13:49
  Speaker 2: So maybe you feel like you've lost your spark, you've lost your passion, you've lost your creativity.
• 13:54
  Speaker 2: Maybe you've spent so much of your time being who it is that you think other people want you to be that you no longer know who it is that you are.
• 14:02
  Speaker 2: You've been wearing a mask in relationships for so long that you don't even know what it is that you would like to do for fun anymore.
• 14:07
  Speaker 2: It's always,"Oh, whatever you wanna do.
• 14:09
  Speaker 2: That's fine with me.""Oh, well, where do you wanna go to eat?""Oh, I don't care.
• 14:13
  Speaker 2: Whatever you like is fine." If you feel like you've lost yourself along the way and if you don't know who you are anymore, you're not alone.
• 14:22
  Speaker 2: All right, so that's all eight.
• 14:24
  Speaker 2: Take a minute right now and add them up in your head.
• 14:26
  Speaker 2: How many of these resonated with you?
• 14:28
  Speaker 2: And if three or more resonated, then I want you to be sure to listen next week because I'm going to be sharing a new program that's rolling out in August, and I think that you'd be a perfect candidate for this program.
• 14:40
  Speaker 2: But for today, the questions I want you to ask yourself are, are your relationships working for you too?
• 14:45
  Speaker 2: Are your needs getting met?
• 14:47
  Speaker 2: Do you feel safe showing up authentically in a relationship?
• 14:50
  Speaker 2: Can you ask for what it is that you need in a relationship without feeling guilty?
• 14:55
  Speaker 2: Because now is the time to start believing that your needs matter too.
• 14:59
  Speaker 2: Now, if this episode sparked something in you, if you're ready to finally start getting your needs met, again, tune in next week to learn about my new program.
• 15:07
  Speaker 2: This is going to be limited to 10 women and available on a first-come, first-serve basis.
• 15:12
  Speaker 2: So if you are ready for change, then make sure that you're one of the first 10 women to reach out to me.
• 15:17
  Speaker 2: This program is gonna help you do 10X the growth that you've experienced from listening alone, and I cannot wait to share more about it with you next week.
• 15:25
  Speaker 2: And if you just can't wait until next week to hear about the program, then I encourage you to come and join my free seven-day How to Get Your Needs Met challenge.
• 15:32
  Speaker 2: During this challenge, I'll coach you through how to finally start getting your needs met in small and simple ways that can create large and lasting change.
• 15:40
  Speaker 2: So simply click the link in the show notes to start getting your needs met today.
• 15:44
  Speaker 2: Thank you so much for being here.
• 15:46
  Speaker 2: Your giver heart is absolutely beautiful and amazing, and I'm so grateful that you chose to share this space with me.
• 15:52
  Speaker 2: All right, well, have a great week, and I'll see you next time.
• 15:53
  Speaker 2: Bye now.