Latest / Mic Drop Comedy / Crowd Work Pack_ Oxnard Levity Live_ Part 2

Transcript

Crowd Work Pack_ Oxnard Levity Live_ Part 2 · Mic Drop Comedy

• 0:07
  Speaker 1: And who is this? Opera? Like the website when you're
• 0:14
  Speaker 1: going to sell some shit? Your name OfferUp? What'd she say?
• 0:24
  Speaker 1: She finding a motherfucker. Her name is OfferUp.com. Is that
• 0:29
  Speaker 1: what you said? You said OfferUp, eh? OfferUp. I like
• 0:39
  Speaker 1: this crowd. Y'all in tune when I can just go
• 0:41
  Speaker 1: and it hit. Y'all like that. Added to be. I
• 0:43
  Speaker 1: like that. Okay. And so how did y'all meet? Y'all look,
• 0:46
  Speaker 1: y'all look very interested. You met in the library. So
• 0:53
  Speaker 1: you walked up to her then. You were like, God damn,
• 0:56
  Speaker 1: you're finding a motherfucker. She's like, shh, shh. I'm sorry,
• 1:00
  Speaker 1: but you're bad as a motherfucker. I got to say something.
• 1:03
  Speaker 1: Or did you walk up whispering? I'm sorry. Where are
• 1:07
  Speaker 1: the encyclopedias? How you game somebody down in a library?
• 1:13
  Speaker 1: We gotta be quiet. Quiet game. You wrote a note.
• 1:15
  Speaker 1: Did you slide her a little note? A look? What?
• 1:22
  Speaker 1: You're not handsome enough to just be looking at bitches
• 1:24
  Speaker 1: like that. Are you kidding me? She loves how you look.
• 1:29
  Speaker 1: Just in general. Stand up and let everybody see your face. See? See?
• 1:36
  Speaker 1: His eyes are bigger than normal. He's talking about just
• 1:39
  Speaker 1: the look. It was like, yeah, so, uh... He has
• 1:43
  Speaker 1: a big-ass eye. What was the look? Like, bitch, I'll
• 1:45
  Speaker 1: knock you the fucking... Motherfucking phone number, bitch, or I'll
• 1:49
  Speaker 1: hit you with a goddamn ball-peen hammer, bitch. She's like,
• 1:53
  Speaker 1: God damn, 818. So you just sat down and looked
• 1:57
  Speaker 1: at her, for real? Oh, for real? That's what happened?
• 2:02
  Speaker 1: He's handsome enough? Wow. Let me call him ugly, not you.
• 2:09
  Speaker 1: He got to live with you. I'm going to be gone.
• 2:10
  Speaker 1: He be like, man, fuck Nate Jackson. But you, he
• 2:12
  Speaker 1: going to be staring at you on the ride home. Bitch,
• 2:14
  Speaker 1: I don't give a fuck if I hit a tree
• 2:15
  Speaker 1: right now. Bitch, you got to be fucked up. Am
• 2:17
  Speaker 1: I handsome enough to hit a tree, bitch? Huh? Sick
• 2:21
  Speaker 1: of your shit. When we get home, I'm going to
• 2:22
  Speaker 1: take pictures of you and I'm going to put your
• 2:24
  Speaker 1: offer up. Used lightly. This is fun. I'm enjoying this interaction. No,
• 2:40
  Speaker 1: y'all look good for each other. I like your disposition.
• 2:43
  Speaker 1: You're a good sport. You're happy. You smile and show
• 2:45
  Speaker 1: your gums. I like that. I like that. So y'all
• 2:49
  Speaker 1: stay out here. Y'all stay out this way. San Diego.
• 2:52
  Speaker 1: San Diego. How far are we from San Diego right now?
• 2:53
  Speaker 1: Four hours. Four hours. Okay. So y'all got some family
• 2:59
  Speaker 1: up here in Oxnard? Y'all came to check? You drove
• 3:02
  Speaker 1: four hours to see me? All right. Don't just clap.
• 3:11
  Speaker 1: We got to jack this off, man. Somebody volunteer. It
• 3:16
  Speaker 1: can't be Afra. It got to be a new hand.
• 3:17
  Speaker 1: It got to be a girl. Who's going to do it?
• 3:20
  Speaker 1: It's your four hours. Somebody reach over there and tell
• 3:23
  Speaker 1: this gum show. I'm about to... I like y'all for
• 3:36
  Speaker 1: each other, despite all the jokes. How long y'all been together, though?
• 3:40
  Speaker 1: You want me to come back? I'll come back. You
• 3:43
  Speaker 1: didn't know what the fuck going on. I'll come back.
• 3:45
  Speaker 1: I want to know. Think of it. Let's see what's
• 3:49
  Speaker 1: going on over here. Let's see what's going on. Okay.
• 3:55
  Speaker 1: People looking away on this side, though. My man took
• 3:58
  Speaker 1: his glasses off, just in case you think I'm looking...
• 4:01
  Speaker 1: Fuck that. I'm not looking. My wife bought these tickets
• 4:05
  Speaker 1: and I hate this bitch. I saw you look away.
• 4:10
  Speaker 1: Let's talk to that little person right there next to you.
• 4:12
  Speaker 1: Is that a full grown person? How tall are you?
• 4:16
  Speaker 1: Stand up, baby. Let me see your full. Yeah, yeah.
• 4:18
  Speaker 1: You're little than a motherfucker. Stand up. Stand up. Stand up, baby.
• 4:26
  Speaker 1: Stand up. Stand up. I am standing. I brought you
• 4:37
  Speaker 1: some cookies. How old are you, if you don't mind
• 4:41
  Speaker 1: me asking? Oh, you're grown. What happened? He was drinking
• 4:45
  Speaker 1: coffee as an infant. You say you're Mexican? There's some
• 4:51
  Speaker 1: tall Mexican girls. There's a lot of tall ones. I
• 4:54
  Speaker 1: was out here. I walked around today. I was like,
• 4:57
  Speaker 1: God damn. There was a quinceanera, man. Everybody was six foot.
• 5:04
  Speaker 1: You know? Short ain't a Mexican thing no more. Mexicans
• 5:09
  Speaker 1: is all different sizes. It's still an Asian thing. For sure.
• 5:13
  Speaker 1: Asians be little. You see a big Asian, you're like,
• 5:15
  Speaker 1: where you from? What kind of Mexican are you? Maybe
• 5:19
  Speaker 1: that's why you little. Your people small. Guadalajara Mexican. Okay.
• 5:26
  Speaker 1: I got some homies named Matoa Khan. Yeah. Couple from
• 5:30
  Speaker 1: Mexico City, they be beefing on the low when I'm
• 5:32
  Speaker 1: not there. I be hearing them. They're like, fuck you,
• 5:34
  Speaker 1: pink chick. I'm like, I got that. I'm like, nigga.
• 5:37
  Speaker 1: Fuck you calling him a mayate. Y'all both Mexican. This
• 5:39
  Speaker 1: crazy as a motherfucker. And what's your name? Andrea. You
• 5:47
  Speaker 1: got a big name, little person. Andrea the Giant. What
• 5:53
  Speaker 1: do you do for money? You just crawl under little
• 5:55
  Speaker 1: shit people don't want to get down under? You unlock
• 5:58
  Speaker 1: car doors. Let me just get in there and click it.
• 6:01
  Speaker 1: There you go, it's open. Accounting. Really? A little person,
• 6:08
  Speaker 1: good with big numbers. And who you with? Who's the group?
• 6:12
  Speaker 1: Let me meet the people. The man with his arms crossed, like,
• 6:15
  Speaker 1: keep making fun of my girl or I'll headbutt the
• 6:16
  Speaker 1: shit out of you. Looking like Beavis. Where the fuck
• 6:23
  Speaker 1: you come from? Was you here the whole time? Okay,
• 6:26
  Speaker 1: and he said, I had to go to the Izzle
• 6:27
  Speaker 1: Bizzle for shizzle my nizzle, let me do my thistle.
• 6:29
  Speaker 1: That's Ocknard Snoop Dogg. I had to take a shizzle
• 6:34
  Speaker 1: my pizzle with thistle fizzle, you know what I'm saying?
• 6:36
  Speaker 1: All right, so Andrea and the guy crossing his arms
• 6:41
  Speaker 1: like my career ain't shit. What's your name, sir? Jake? Outstanding.
• 6:46
  Speaker 1: What do you do for money, man? Who? Okay. I
• 6:54
  Speaker 1: think Edison has always been energy. You said it like
• 6:58
  Speaker 1: I might not be intelligent. Like I don't know Thomas
• 7:02
  Speaker 1: Edison invented a goddamn light bulb. Edison, yeah, we make
• 7:07
  Speaker 1: light bulbs. And then I eat them like apples, because
• 7:11
  Speaker 1: that's what I do. Fuck. How'd you meet your little
• 7:16
  Speaker 1: ass girlfriend, man? Kings and Queens? Shut up, they let
• 7:24
  Speaker 1: you in there? They're like, come this way, princess. You're like,
• 7:28
  Speaker 1: fuck you, I'm a queen. That's what's up. So you
• 7:31
  Speaker 1: were just in there with your homegirls and he walked up? Really?
• 7:34
  Speaker 1: What kind of game did he have? He don't strike
• 7:36
  Speaker 1: me as somebody with a lot of ribs, but maybe
• 7:39
  Speaker 1: I'd be shocked. Oh, he used the old introduce me
• 7:49
  Speaker 1: to her game. And then he walked up to you
• 7:51
  Speaker 1: and took a knee, looked you right in your eyes.
• 7:59
  Speaker 1: You're beautiful. How long y'all been together, though? Oh, I'm sorry.
• 8:07
  Speaker 1: I don't want to fuck with you. This is too new.
• 8:10
  Speaker 1: My relationship jokes are for people that can take them.
• 8:12
  Speaker 1: You know what I'm saying? Eight months. You'll dump him
• 8:15
  Speaker 1: if I keep fucking with y'all. I believe in you, okay?
• 8:19
  Speaker 1: You keep on going. Jake, you got this. All right,
• 8:26
  Speaker 1: is that you with the other two people too? The
• 8:27
  Speaker 1: lady that's doing her hands like that? You don't know them?
• 8:30
  Speaker 1: Who you with, ma'am? You got a lot of rings on,
• 8:32
  Speaker 1: look like Mr. T. I pity the fool. Who is
• 8:36
  Speaker 1: that across from you right there? He's trying to hide
• 8:39
  Speaker 1: behind Jake's head. Okay, what are you, a fireman or something?
• 8:44
  Speaker 1: You look like you serve the public. Mechanic? Yeah, you
• 8:47
  Speaker 1: serve the public. Yeah, what kind? Like the one that
• 8:51
  Speaker 1: we want to go to or the one we should avoid? Okay.
• 8:55
  Speaker 1: Where are you a mechanic at? Okay. The whole county?
• 9:03
  Speaker 1: You busy. Thank you for taking off the clock. Every
• 9:06
  Speaker 1: car in Ventura got to go through you. You ever
• 9:10
  Speaker 1: be like undoing a screw or something and it dropped
• 9:12
  Speaker 1: down into the goddamn manifold? You can't reach it? What
• 9:15
  Speaker 1: do you do? Do you have like a long magnetic
• 9:17
  Speaker 1: stick or something? Okay. That shit expensive, ain't it? Little
• 9:24
  Speaker 1: fingers come out. Listen, here's what I think you should
• 9:26
  Speaker 1: do because this will be a lot cheaper. Andrea, she
• 9:33
  Speaker 1: can walk up under the car and grab the screw
• 9:37
  Speaker 1: and then come get you. She saw it coming like, oh,
• 9:41
  Speaker 1: here we are. Jake don't know what to do. Should
• 9:45
  Speaker 1: we be laughing right now? I'm mad as fuck. He's
• 9:48
  Speaker 1: talking about my baby. That's why I leave couples alone.
• 9:53
  Speaker 1: Eight months is not enough time. You know what I mean?
• 9:54
  Speaker 1: People that have been together a long time can just
• 9:56
  Speaker 1: take it, you know? And that's why we're back to you.
• 9:58
  Speaker 1: How long y'all been together? Eight months, see? See, I
• 10:03
  Speaker 1: already fucked them up. I fucked them up. He gonna
• 10:05
  Speaker 1: be asleep tonight. She gonna be like, he do look
• 10:07
  Speaker 1: a little funny. Offer her, you stay with him, okay?
• 10:11
  Speaker 1: You stay. God damn it. Who got old love? Who
• 10:15
  Speaker 1: in here older than 10 years with they love? Right there?
• 10:19
  Speaker 1: You too? Outstanding. You guys look good too. Hell yeah.
• 10:24
  Speaker 1: How long then? Oh my God. That's hard. How many
• 10:32
  Speaker 1: years out of them 38 have you been trying to
• 10:34
  Speaker 1: get out? Keep it real. She knows how many. I've
• 10:39
  Speaker 1: been trying to leave since 2014, but our baby ain't
• 10:42
  Speaker 1: 18 yet, so we just got to hang in there.
• 10:45
  Speaker 1: You love her. You're like, no, every day's a blessing. Damn,
• 10:48
  Speaker 1: you trying to fuck, you trying to get some. He
• 10:51
  Speaker 1: gonna get in the car like, bitch, you know I
• 10:52
  Speaker 1: made that shit up, right? But I want some head
• 10:55
  Speaker 1: at every red light on the way home, so I
• 10:58
  Speaker 1: said what I said. 38 years, how did y'all meet then?
• 11:03
  Speaker 1: At a sock hop or something? 38 years ago? Motherfuckers
• 11:11
  Speaker 1: met at a Tupac concert. She was like, hit him up!
• 11:20
  Speaker 1: So where'd you say you met her? At work. Same job?
• 11:25
  Speaker 1: Y'all not supposed to do that. You were 16? Shut up.
• 11:32
  Speaker 1: Two 16s. Y'all each other's first love? That's so sweet.
• 11:38
  Speaker 1: Y'all lost y'all virginity to each other? That's hella sweet.
• 11:44
  Speaker 1: Hell yeah. How many kids y'all got? Shit, you hit
• 11:51
  Speaker 1: the ground running though, boy. You knocked three out there.
• 12:01
  Speaker 1: How many did you want to have? Two? And the
• 12:04
  Speaker 1: third one just came out of there too? She was like,
• 12:07
  Speaker 1: that's it. She's like, that's it. Fuck all that. Hell nah.
• 12:13
  Speaker 1: And what's your name? Mercedes. I didn't expect that. That's
• 12:18
  Speaker 1: a car and a black girl name. You sound like
• 12:22
  Speaker 1: a black girl that can fight real good. What's your name? Chevy? Ben?
• 12:28
  Speaker 1: Mercedes Ben? Wow. I like that. You see how fast
• 12:33
  Speaker 1: I am? You're like, damn, we usually have to tell people. No,
• 12:36
  Speaker 1: I was on it. Some people are like, Ben Mercedes? No, Jake,
• 12:40
  Speaker 1: shut the fuck up. I like old love. I like
• 12:46
  Speaker 1: when people, you know what I'm saying? Because they can
• 12:48
  Speaker 1: teach us, man. Everybody else, eight months, eight months. Y'all
• 12:50
  Speaker 1: don't know what the fuck y'all doing yet. You think
• 12:52
  Speaker 1: you in love with your girl? She on the same
• 12:54
  Speaker 1: box of tampons, man. You ain't got enough time. It's
• 12:58
  Speaker 1: the same Costco box she had when she met you.
• 13:00
  Speaker 1: She's like, there's two left and then I'm going to
• 13:02
  Speaker 1: get a new box. They love us too young. Don't know.
• 13:07
  Speaker 1: What's the secret to 38 years? Oh. You be cooking
• 13:16
  Speaker 1: his ass? What you be saying about him? No, he
• 13:21
  Speaker 1: remembers his first hand job. You remember? His aunt was like, oh,
• 13:36
  Speaker 1: look at all of this fucking pee-pee. He's like, no, seriously, seriously, seriously.
• 13:42
  Speaker 1: Just wipe it and let it go. My aunt was like,
• 13:43
  Speaker 1: I love him. I'm sorry, I was playing. I didn't
• 13:45
  Speaker 1: know you were going to agree. Sorry, Ben. He's like, no, seriously.
• 13:48
  Speaker 1: She used to jack me off in my diaper. Ben,
• 13:51
  Speaker 1: that got weird. I'm sorry. He was like, no, facts, facts. Like, oh, shit.
• 13:57
  Speaker 1: I didn't expect that response at all. All right, so
• 14:00
  Speaker 1: let's talk to Micah Parsons down here. You should stand
• 14:05
  Speaker 1: up and let everybody see your face, man. You look
• 14:07
  Speaker 1: so much like Michael Parsons or maybe some UFC fighter
• 14:10
  Speaker 1: or something. Who do people say you look like? Prescott? No,
• 14:18
  Speaker 1: you don't look like... Fuck no. You don't look like
• 14:22
  Speaker 1: Dak unless he's been eating creatine his whole life. You
• 14:26
  Speaker 1: look like my hand. Take Michael Parsons and run with that.
• 14:33
  Speaker 1: He said Dak Prescott. They like to roam better. They
• 14:37
  Speaker 1: don't like no goddamn thing. Okay, so who are you?
• 14:41
  Speaker 1: Talk to me about life. Who are you? Nice to
• 14:46
  Speaker 1: meet you, David. Got two Davids. Mm-hmm. This one sleep.
• 14:53
  Speaker 1: Do you also work with children? What do you do
• 14:56
  Speaker 1: for a living? Huh? Boring stuff? She is an accountant.
• 15:04
  Speaker 1: How much more boring does it get than that? Yeah, yeah.
• 15:10
  Speaker 1: You win. Congratulations. You accepted the challenge. I take your
• 15:14
  Speaker 1: account and I raise you sitting here playing Minesweeper. What's
• 15:20
  Speaker 1: the data that you analyze? A lot of compensation data.
• 15:25
  Speaker 1: For who? Oh, I thought you were going to get
• 15:28
  Speaker 1: us some reparations. Lockheed Martin, who do you work for?
• 15:33
  Speaker 1: A company called Canon. Huh? It's called Canon. K-E-M or K-A-M? C-A-M. Okay, okay.
• 15:41
  Speaker 1: And you're getting money then, right? The aerospace, no, no, no,
• 15:45
  Speaker 1: hold on. Aerospace, them government contracts, baby, you're getting some
• 15:49
  Speaker 1: goddamn money on. Yeah, yeah, you're making about $ 42 an
• 15:53
  Speaker 1: hour and I can see it on you. Let me
• 15:55
  Speaker 1: see your watch. Let me see your watch. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 16:00
  Speaker 1: You got watches that match your outfits. You got the
• 16:02
  Speaker 1: black watch. Give me $ 100. You got money. Hell yeah,
• 16:06
  Speaker 1: you got money like a motherfucker. This your daddy? Who
• 16:09
  Speaker 1: is he? That's really your daddy? He look like his mama? Yeah,
• 16:16
  Speaker 1: because y'all don't look alike at all. You look like
• 16:19
  Speaker 1: Michael Irvin. He look like Jerome Bennis. So y'all live
• 16:25
  Speaker 1: out here then? Y'all out here in Oxnard? No, no.
• 16:26
  Speaker 1: He lives in Chino Hills. I live in Simi Valley.
• 16:31
  Speaker 1: Simi Valley? Okay. How far is both of those? Chino Far,
• 16:35
  Speaker 1: ain't it? Yeah, probably. It's probably close to like 80 miles.
• 16:40
  Speaker 1: 80 miles? And where is that, the Simi Valley? Simi
• 16:42
  Speaker 1: Valley is about 40 minutes from here. And y'all be like,
• 16:45
  Speaker 1: let's go see. Let's go see Maggie. That's crazy. All right,
• 16:49
  Speaker 1: we got two more hand jobs. Father and son. So
• 16:55
  Speaker 1: we got any mommy-daughter combinations? Do we have any mama-daughter combinations?
• 17:01
  Speaker 1: We're going to put the daughter with the daddy and
• 17:03
  Speaker 1: the mama with the son. Switch it up. Keep it loose.
• 17:09
  Speaker 1: And so what do you do, man? You got the
• 17:11
  Speaker 1: nice glasses on. Like, you know, you've got money too, man.
• 17:14
  Speaker 1: You're doing something real. I mean, I retired, but I
• 17:17
  Speaker 1: came back to work for the county of Ventura. You retired,
• 17:20
  Speaker 1: but you came back to work for the county of Ventura? Wow,
• 17:25
  Speaker 1: you enunciated so well. Okay. So you look kind of
• 17:30
  Speaker 1: young to be fully retired. No, I retired from Beverly Hills. Oh. Oh.
• 17:37
  Speaker 1: He retired from Beverly Hills. So we're about to take
• 17:41
  Speaker 1: this up a little bit. What were you doing for
• 17:44
  Speaker 1: the city of Beverly Hills? Computer forensics for the police.
• 17:52
  Speaker 1: So you were a cop, but you tried to say
• 17:54
  Speaker 1: it real slick. Yeah, no, no, I worked for the police.
• 17:57
  Speaker 1: I wasn't, I didn't happen to be one of them.
• 18:01
  Speaker 1: I just, I was a contractor that had a badge.
• 18:07
  Speaker 1: Forensics for the police. Dang. That's crazy. You ever like
• 18:13
  Speaker 1: help black people? You ever like find a hair at
• 18:16
  Speaker 1: the scene of a crime? Like, oh, this is a nap.
• 18:20
  Speaker 1: You just put it in your pocket. Not today, brother.
• 18:23
  Speaker 1: Not today. You ever find a cuckabug under a couch cushion? Like,
• 18:35
  Speaker 1: look at this. It's a motherfucking nap. Why not today, player?
• 18:40
  Speaker 1: Next house, please. And thank you for your service, man.
• 18:44
  Speaker 1: I appreciate it. So you did that long enough to
• 18:46
  Speaker 1: retire out of there, but you were so good at
• 18:48
  Speaker 1: your job that out here, they were like, man, you
• 18:50
  Speaker 1: got to come back. We need you again. Eight hours later?
• 18:54
  Speaker 1: You didn't even get your watch yet. They were still
• 18:58
  Speaker 1: bringing it to you while you was walking. You were
• 18:59
  Speaker 1: leaving with your box. And they were like, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.
• 19:03
  Speaker 1: Come here, Darius. Come here. What's your name? David. Junior? Okay. Senior? Yeah.
• 19:22
  Speaker 1: This is a very intrinsic group. Okay, so eight hours
• 19:28
  Speaker 1: after you retired, they were like, come to work for us.
• 19:33
  Speaker 1: They were like, man, hell no, man, I'm done. And
• 19:36
  Speaker 1: they're like, let us tell you what you're going to make.
• 19:39
  Speaker 1: And they were like, uh, I have a nap in
• 19:41
  Speaker 1: my pocket. Now that I don't work in Beverly Hills,
• 19:45
  Speaker 1: go get this nappy-headed from Beverly Hills. I got a
• 19:50
  Speaker 1: nap in my pocket, and the other, he turned into
• 19:53
  Speaker 1: Alanis Morissette. If anybody don't find that funny, you need
• 20:01
  Speaker 1: to go get your humor checked. That's funnier than a motherfucker.
• 20:04
  Speaker 1: A nap in his pocket? Mm. Okay, well, yeah, so
• 20:12
  Speaker 1: they bumped your pay. You still working for them then?
• 20:14
  Speaker 1: When you want, you do like two days a week. No,
• 20:18
  Speaker 1: four days. Four. What's your days off? Mondays? No, no, Friday, Saturday, Sunday.
• 20:23
  Speaker 1: You get long-ass weekends. Hell yeah. So what you doing tomorrow, man?
• 20:27
  Speaker 1: You wild. Not a lot. Not a lot? No. Your
• 20:33
  Speaker 1: mama still around, y'all? No, no, I'm divorcing with my mom.
• 20:37
  Speaker 1: Go get some pussy then, boy. Shit, I don't give
• 20:41
  Speaker 1: a fuck you in here with your son. Get some,
• 20:44
  Speaker 1: make it a forensic scene. Kill that pussy. You look
• 20:53
  Speaker 1: like you fuck without making faces. I really hurt myself.
• 21:07
  Speaker 1: I was just fucking... I was beating the fuck up.
• 21:13
  Speaker 1: These niggas got money, boy. They put a screen in
• 21:16
  Speaker 1: front of a wall to look like the wall. Just
• 21:19
  Speaker 1: leave the curtain there. It's nice to meet you, man.
• 21:25
  Speaker 1: So are you single? Dating? You got somebody? Still going
• 21:30
  Speaker 1: through a divorce from his mama? Goddamn, David. Damn. So
• 21:35
  Speaker 1: another one. What's left? A quarter? Bitch keep taking half
• 21:40
  Speaker 1: out of real. Women got to be crazy to divorce
• 21:46
  Speaker 1: a forensic police officer. You got to be crazy. He
• 21:50
  Speaker 1: know how to get rid of you and how to
• 21:51
  Speaker 1: get away. He's literally Dexter. You got to be crazy
• 21:59
  Speaker 1: as a motherfucker to divorce a forensic police officer. Fuck that.
• 22:07
  Speaker 1: I'll stay. Yeah, I love you, shit. Let's talk to
• 22:10
  Speaker 1: Rock Paper down here. How y'all doing? Rock Paper. Yeah, look,
• 22:21
  Speaker 1: they both did scissors. You know what I'm talking about.
• 22:24
  Speaker 1: They both were like... Yeah, I don't say lesbians. That's disrespectful.
• 22:31
  Speaker 1: I say Rock Paper because scissors is how you fuck,
• 22:34
  Speaker 1: you know? You taking that? You can't take it? I'm
• 22:40
  Speaker 1: giving it to you. Go crazy. He was like, scissor
• 22:43
  Speaker 1: fizzle for scissor fizzles. So y'all a couple, huh? Y'all
• 22:50
  Speaker 1: been holding hands? Yeah, that's a lot of effort to
• 22:53
  Speaker 1: reach back across the table to hold your person. That's
• 22:56
  Speaker 1: a lesbian amount of effort. Most couples just, you know. See,
• 23:01
  Speaker 1: they've been together for almost 40 years. His arms crossed.
• 23:03
  Speaker 1: He don't want her to think. He's like, don't think
• 23:06
  Speaker 1: there's any infection coming your way, bitch. You can't. She
• 23:10
  Speaker 1: reached out, he swept under it. No, I'm not touching you, bitch.
• 23:15
  Speaker 1: Lesbians are like, embrace me, hold on to me. It's
• 23:18
  Speaker 1: the end of Titanic. So how did y'all meet? Y'all
• 23:22
  Speaker 1: were hooping? She was boxing around like, get back, bitch,
• 23:33
  Speaker 1: get back. Like, you're kind of cute with your little
• 23:37
  Speaker 1: box out. I didn't know this shit was gonna move.
• 23:40
  Speaker 1: I had to get up off that fast. I was like,
• 23:42
  Speaker 1: I ain't buying another LED wall. Fuck that. How did
• 23:47
  Speaker 1: y'all meet, man? What's going on? You met on a
• 23:50
  Speaker 1: date now? That's your real voice? Yeah, that's my real voice.
• 23:55
  Speaker 1: Where you from, St. Louis? Memphis, I can hear it.
• 23:58
  Speaker 1: I'm also just playing. Y'all don't fuck around out there.
• 24:03
  Speaker 1: I don't want no shit. Memphis is not playing. You
• 24:06
  Speaker 1: hear me? The classes you teach out there, full. Big,
• 24:09
  Speaker 1: this big. This how many kids in one goddamn class.
• 24:16
  Speaker 1: Welcome to Memphis, motherfucker. Y'all know what it is. So
• 24:21
  Speaker 1: you met her in Memphis? Is her okay? I bet
• 24:25
  Speaker 1: y'all don't want to make sure that I'm correct. You
• 24:26
  Speaker 1: know what I'm saying? You feel me? You from Memphis.
• 24:30
  Speaker 1: Where you from? LA. So she pulled up on you.
• 24:33
  Speaker 1: She like, what happened, y'all? She's like, oh, you're different.
• 24:37
  Speaker 1: She's like, I got a... And a... But it's in
• 24:41
  Speaker 1: my car. I'm sorry, that's inappropriate. I didn't mean to
• 24:46
  Speaker 1: do that. No, we have little people here. I shouldn't
• 24:49
  Speaker 1: say stuff like that. I'm sorry, Andrea. I apologize. The...
• 24:52
  Speaker 1: in the car is unnecessary. I'm so sorry. How long
• 24:57
  Speaker 1: y'all been together? Okay. Yeah, fuck them. They heard your
• 25:04
  Speaker 1: little eight months. I raised you a year and three months. Okay, okay.
• 25:09
  Speaker 1: And so y'all love each other then? Y'all stay together
• 25:12
  Speaker 1: all that? Hell yeah. Y'all figured out y'all dynamic and shit?
• 25:16
  Speaker 1: Who get the spiders? Okay. Who open the doors? Okay.
• 25:25
  Speaker 1: Who be standing up the most when y'all fuck? Okay,
• 25:28
  Speaker 1: all right. That's the boy right there. I mean that
• 25:40
  Speaker 1: with respect. I don't want to say that. She the boy.
• 25:43
  Speaker 1: That's what I was trying to say. She's the boy. Okay.
• 25:48
  Speaker 1: So how did y'all meet out here and there? I
• 25:50
  Speaker 1: moved from Memphis to L.A. I was in L.A. for
• 25:53
  Speaker 1: probably about two or three years. And then I went
• 25:57
  Speaker 1: on a date nap to meet somebody and then I
• 25:58
  Speaker 1: met her. You went on a date nap? Yeah. Where at? Her. Huh?
• 26:03
  Speaker 1: It's called Her. Really? Really? You learn something every day.
• 26:06
  Speaker 1: They got a lesbian dating app called Her? Yep. Bam.
• 26:10
  Speaker 1: Is that who you were expecting to meet on there? Him?
• 26:19
  Speaker 1: Fucked around and met Lil Bow Wow on the goddamn
• 26:22
  Speaker 1: Her app. Lil Bow Wow was a rapper from... You
• 26:32
  Speaker 1: look like you didn't know. She's like, what's a Lil
• 26:33
  Speaker 1: Bow Wow? I'm from Oxnard, I don't know what that is.
• 26:40
  Speaker 1: You want some strawberries? It's nice to meet you, I
• 26:44
  Speaker 1: believe in you. Okay, I do, okay. And there's a
• 26:48
  Speaker 1: couple right here too, huh? Okay, y'all want, you looking
• 26:51
  Speaker 1: away or you caca baby? What's going on right there?
• 26:54
  Speaker 1: Little bit of both, she be like. He's my teacher. Okay,
• 27:07
  Speaker 1: I like y'all, man. Y'all got good energy. I can
• 27:09
  Speaker 1: feel it already. How long y'all been a couple? Three years.
• 27:14
  Speaker 1: Fuck y'all. Look, she got jealous. Fuck you, bitch. I
• 27:19
  Speaker 1: saw you. I saw you, OfferUp.com. Okay, so how long
• 27:26
  Speaker 1: you and Ferris Bueller been smacking these cheeks? No, I'm
• 27:31
  Speaker 1: just playing. What do you do for money? You got
• 27:33
  Speaker 1: a little bread to you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A chemist. Yeah,
• 27:37
  Speaker 1: I feel when people have money. Chemistry. Okay. Industrial? Supplemental chemistry.
• 27:47
  Speaker 1: So you making like nutraceuticals? Who you work for? Euro what? Euro.
• 27:56
  Speaker 1: That's for hair loss, right? Don't laugh. You better pay attention.
• 28:03
  Speaker 1: He might have some shit he can whip up. Fuck
• 28:06
  Speaker 1: around and have you out here blowing in the wind again.
• 28:08
  Speaker 1: Fuck around and have bangs fucking with him. He got
• 28:14
  Speaker 1: the shit. So how'd you meet your queen? What's your name? Nice.
• 28:19
  Speaker 1: You look like an Andrea. I swear to God. I
• 28:21
  Speaker 1: was like, Andrea? I swear to God I was about
• 28:23
  Speaker 1: to say it. But her name was that, so I
• 28:25
  Speaker 1: didn't want to do it twice. But there's a lot
• 28:27
  Speaker 1: of Davids, a lot of Andrea. So this was this.
• 28:29
  Speaker 1: And so how'd you meet her, man? Through my brother.
• 28:33
  Speaker 1: Through your brother? Like... Okay. It took me a second.
• 28:39
  Speaker 1: I thought you were like looking through his spine or
• 28:44
  Speaker 1: some shit. Your brother was like, hey man, there's this
• 28:46
  Speaker 1: girl you gotta meet. And how did you know his brother?
• 28:51
  Speaker 1: Be careful. Your brother's wife was your friend. So she
• 28:58
  Speaker 1: was like, bitch, let's marry the brothers. Just like that.
• 29:04
  Speaker 1: What does your brother do? He's a cop too? This is...
• 29:13
  Speaker 1: Is there something I could put on my truck so
• 29:15
  Speaker 1: they stop fucking with me? I'm serious. I just brought
• 29:18
  Speaker 1: my truck down from Seattle. I've pulled it out the
• 29:21
  Speaker 1: lot four times and two times I've been fucked with.
• 29:23
  Speaker 1: One time made to sit on the curb. I was like,
• 29:26
  Speaker 1: I'm about to get shot. I don't give a fuck.
• 29:29
  Speaker 1: Do you got like somebody? I can be like, man,
• 29:31
  Speaker 1: call David Cheney down there. Ain't no sticker or nothing
• 29:34
  Speaker 1: I could put, a hat I could put in the back.
• 29:36
  Speaker 1: What if I put sheriff on the back window? I
• 29:39
  Speaker 1: need something to keep these motherfuckers off me. The American flag?
• 29:45
  Speaker 1: Is that the secret? Okay, see, white boys, no. He said,
• 29:53
  Speaker 1: that one's burnt out. They look for that. He's like, no,
• 29:56
  Speaker 1: it worked for me, brother. He's got a teardrop on
• 29:59
  Speaker 1: his eye like, yep, I know what the fuck I'm doing.
• 30:02
  Speaker 1: Get my blue American flag, blue blood. They see me
• 30:07
  Speaker 1: with that shit, shine that light in there and see it,
• 30:08
  Speaker 1: they gonna kill me. They like, whose white man's truck
• 30:13
  Speaker 1: are you driving? Get out the truck. Donald Trump says
• 30:22
  Speaker 1: I can say that now. Don't make me go nuclear.
• 30:31
  Speaker 1: I like y'all for each other though. Y'all crazy about
• 30:33
  Speaker 1: each other, young love? Okay, okay. You got no facial hair, man.
• 30:37
  Speaker 1: Are you trying to be a cop like your brother too? Okay.
• 30:41
  Speaker 1: How much you love her, scale from one to 20?
• 30:43
  Speaker 1: The full thing? Did you consider everything before you said 20? Okay,
• 30:50
  Speaker 1: how much you love him back, scale from one to three? Five?
• 30:55
  Speaker 1: That's still 15 left, bitch, you ain't slick. She tried
• 30:58
  Speaker 1: to exceed the scale. No, fuck that. Damn, she loves
• 31:02
  Speaker 1: you more than the scale, and you love her the scale.
• 31:03
  Speaker 1: That means she out-loves you, bro. Damn. He's like, I know.
• 31:08
  Speaker 1: I mixed up some shit and put it in her drink.
• 31:10
  Speaker 1: I'm a fucking chemist. She's been drinking love powder for
• 31:14
  Speaker 1: three years. I like y'all, man. And then the last
• 31:22
  Speaker 1: couple I want to talk to is the older couple
• 31:23
  Speaker 1: over there. There's an old man that I don't know
• 31:26
  Speaker 1: should be in my algorithm. I'm glad you're here, sir.
• 31:30
  Speaker 1: But what you pointing at? Somebody else that's old. He
• 31:35
  Speaker 1: pointed at the black man. No, he look older than him.
• 31:38
  Speaker 1: He pointed at you. How old are you, brother with
• 31:39
  Speaker 1: the beard? How old are you, fam? Yeah, 42. I
• 31:45
  Speaker 1: have a feeling that the man I'm looking at right
• 31:46
  Speaker 1: now is older than 42. How old are you, sir?
• 31:49
  Speaker 1: I'm not talking to you. Look to your right. That
• 31:52
  Speaker 1: motherfucker old as hell. How old are you? See? Respect
• 31:58
  Speaker 1: your elders, sir. It's nice to meet you. And this
• 32:02
  Speaker 1: your woman with you with the carpal tunnel thing on
• 32:04
  Speaker 1: her hand? Okay. Don't be ashamed of it. It's life.
• 32:08
  Speaker 1: You know what I'm saying? Wear that shit pride. I
• 32:10
  Speaker 1: could be dead. That's all I got. How long y'all
• 32:14
  Speaker 1: been together? 44. Fuck y'all. What's the secret to 44 years? Huh? No, no, no.
• 32:30
  Speaker 1: You didn't make it 44 years on love. That's not enough.
• 32:33
  Speaker 1: It's some more shit, too. Good credit. She bought a house,
• 32:36
  Speaker 1: the boat. Be real, man. Talk to me like it's
• 32:38
  Speaker 1: just us in the garage having a couple beers. Act
• 32:42
  Speaker 1: like she's not here. You said love like you're trying
• 32:44
  Speaker 1: to get some tonight. What's the secret, man? You gonna
• 32:49
  Speaker 1: lock in? All right, watch this. Ma'am, keep it real.
• 32:54
  Speaker 1: What's the secret to making it with him for 40
• 32:58
  Speaker 1: faux goddamn years. I don't like either one of y'all.
• 33:02
  Speaker 1: I don't like that you, because that's not the truth.
• 33:06
  Speaker 1: When you were together a long time, love don't make
• 33:08
  Speaker 1: you stay together. Love don't even look like, they look
• 33:12
  Speaker 1: like love. They're eight months. You want to tell me
• 33:15
  Speaker 1: how you stay together? You've been together eight months. Just
• 33:19
  Speaker 1: keep going home, dumbass. Let me tell you our challenge,
• 33:25
  Speaker 1: but you ain't got no goddamn challenge. Eight months is crazy.
• 33:28
  Speaker 1: You got four months left on your lease. The fuck
• 33:30
  Speaker 1: you mean? Let me tell you how we stay together.
• 33:33
  Speaker 1: His mom don't even know your middle name. What's this
• 33:38
  Speaker 1: one's name? What was you going to say though? I'll
• 33:42
  Speaker 1: let you say it. You're a therapist. So when you
• 33:49
  Speaker 1: go crazy, he talks you down. You ain't slick. You
• 33:52
  Speaker 1: just trying to stop paying for therapy. She's like, $ 880
• 33:56
  Speaker 1: a month is ridiculous. I'm about to fuck one of
• 33:59
  Speaker 1: the doctors. Love ain't it. I respect that you guys
• 34:07
  Speaker 1: locked in with that bullshit, but... What? Go back to bed.