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The Power of Silence: Why Waiting Changes Therapy · Professor Peterson’s Psychology Classroom

0:15
All right, the topic of silence. So, um,
0:20
in the last session, uh, when we stopped the recording and everything,
0:23
there was a mention about classrooms. And I think silence
0:28
is a perfect place to start a
0:32
conversation using classroom examples.
0:39
I remember back in my college
0:43
years, it was a class, I think it
0:48
was philosophy or something like that. And the professor,
0:52
and it was a classroom of 100 students, 75 to 100. It was a big
0:55
auditorium. And the
1:00
professor did the classic tennis ball,
1:04
um, thing where he'd ask a question,
1:08
throw a tennis ball, and whoever caught the
1:12
tennis ball had to answer the question.
1:17
And I don't know about you guys,
1:20
um, if you've ever had that experience, but I was always mortified
1:24
by the tennis ball. Because it always made me
1:28
feel stupid.
1:32
And, uh, in other classes, uh, where we kind
1:36
of— I don't know if you guys do this, but you avert your eye contact
1:41
with the teacher so they don't call on you because
1:45
you don't feel like you'd be competent to answer
1:49
the question that the instructor is about to ask.
1:52
Um, or in a situation where a
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partner— you're in the heat of an argument and a partner,
1:59
or you for example, are demanding an answer right
2:03
here, right now. Tell me, how do you feel about me? Tell me
2:07
right now. And this
2:10
is the issue of silence,
2:14
especially in counseling. Do you know that the average
2:18
person, when they ask a question that
2:22
is intentional at the greatest— so it's a very
2:26
complex question— only waits
2:29
2.5 seconds before
2:33
either demanding a response or providing an answer.
2:38
And I want to complex this more. Do you know it takes the
2:42
brain 5 to 8 seconds
2:47
to actually understand a question and start,
2:52
uh, developing a thought or a memory
2:56
about what the response to that question would be.
3:00
And we can include this: it takes
3:04
5 to 8 seconds for the brain to process a question,
3:08
and then it takes an additional 8 to 16 seconds
3:13
for us to actually produce a logical,
3:18
um, appropriate, or, or thoughtful
3:22
response to that question. Yet in most
3:26
social contexts, we ask questions
3:31
and we demand answers when the brain
3:35
hasn't even had the attempt to process
3:38
the question we're answering.
3:42
And this enters the world of silence and
3:46
the importance of silence and the working,
3:50
um, focus, the working
3:54
ability, the opportunity that silence
3:59
can provide.
4:03
So I'm gonna be upfront about if
4:06
you're going to use this technique as
4:11
a technique that you're going to practice over the
4:16
assignment that I will post in the next few days,
4:21
is that what I want you to start practicing
4:25
is when you ask a question towards anybody,
4:31
that in your mind you silently
4:37
count to 20. So for
4:41
example, I might ask, why are
4:45
you in this class? And before anything
4:49
else, I'll just sit and be silent and
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I'll count in my head 1 alligator,
4:57
2 alligator, 3 Mississippi,
5:01
4 Mississippi, 5 alligator,
5:05
6 alligator, until I get to 20 before
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I expect any responses.
5:14
In this class, I have purposely not done that
5:18
to this point.
5:20
Because I hope that, uh, you all understand
5:25
the challenge of silence when we demand
5:29
an instant response.
5:33
Okay. In our brains, we're just not
5:37
capable within that 2.5 seconds or
5:40
between the time that the tennis ball leaves the professor hand
5:45
and it lands in your lap. We haven't spent
5:49
the time with a question to really
5:53
be able to create an answer.
5:57
All right, so this is the importance of silence.
6:02
Silence is a counseling technique that allows a client
6:06
to speak about the issues without interruptions,
6:11
sometimes a new experience for them.
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It's the first time they've been allowed to have space
6:20
to think about a question and think about it,
6:24
how it relates to them before an immediate
6:29
interruption, such as, well, in my
6:33
experience, this is how
6:37
people interpret that question. I want you to think
6:41
about when people have done that to you. Or when people provide
6:46
that immediate answer they
6:50
were looking for without allowing you the space
6:54
to process this. And this comes to the second point of
6:58
silence. Silence also enables the client space to process
7:03
their thoughts, feelings without distraction.
7:09
And in the second point— third point, I should say— this
7:14
helps them gain clarity of the difficulties
7:17
they face and consider possible ways of being
7:21
forward. And the third point is that
7:25
we don't just use silence in the beginning.
7:29
Silence should be used throughout the therapeutic
7:33
process. When, when you're at the
7:37
point that they trust you enough to challenge their thought
7:42
processes, challenge their behaviors,
7:45
integrate a new coping skill,
7:50
silence allows them to have the space to process
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it. Okay,
7:59
so what are the functions of silence?
8:02
Okay, and we can say that there's 2 main functions.
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One, as we've just mentioned, it allows
8:10
the client to tell their story and feel heard and validated.
8:15
You just didn't instantly provide the answer.
8:18
You asked a question and they were allowed
8:22
to give the time to process it. On the counselor
8:26
end, it allows the counselor to gain a deeper understanding of
8:30
the speaker's issues while providing— and
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this is the working space that silence can provide
8:38
a counselor— to consider appropriate responses
8:42
to the client's story. So a lot of times when we ask
8:46
questions and we expect an immediate response,
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we don't always give our brain space for
8:55
them to answer a question in a way we don't expect it.
9:00
So this is the benefit of silence for the counselor,
9:03
is it allows you to think, okay, they can answer that
9:07
question this way, but how
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am I going to respond if they answer it another
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way? Or maybe they, they're,
9:19
they just totally don't understand. What does that
9:22
mean? All right.
9:25
So when
9:29
we use silence, again, we're going to bring up culture,
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uh, especially what I'm going to bring up is our
9:37
Western, uh, United States
9:40
American culture, is we've been taught that
9:44
silence is uncomfortable. We've been taught that
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this can influence a counselor's use of silence and a client's
9:52
reaction. In Western society, we have been taught
9:57
for immediacy. In fact, when we
10:01
measure things like intelligence in a Western culture,
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we look at reaction time as
10:09
a measure of whether or not someone can solve a problem
10:13
or not. And so we've been
10:18
raised in a predominant culture that
10:23
values speed of processing.
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And we've come to assume that that
10:30
speed of processing equals accuracy.
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And we need to unlearn that.
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And this comes up with a second point. New counselors are typically
10:44
very uncomfortable with pauses. They want to
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often rush in filling gaps
10:51
of silence, and we need to untrain that because
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by doing this, the counselor assumes inappropriate responsibility,
11:01
an unintelligible response if they don't have an immediate response.
11:06
But a person-centered counselor
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trusts the client will work in a
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way at their pace that is suitable
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for them. And we need to
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stop assuming that speed of
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processing equals accuracy and
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true response.
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The counselor gives client the control when we provide
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silence. We provide them with the ability to make the pace and
11:48
establish the objectives. This includes listening
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to silence as well. We already talked in
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great length about we're constantly reading the
12:02
nonverbal spaces between us and our client.
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Okay, and being able to recognize that silence
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is an important place, that silence may facilitate
12:17
the counseling process, not degrade
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So what are the reasons for clients? And we're going to do this in 2
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categories. We're going to do the reason for the counselor,
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and we're going to start with the counselor. And then we're gonna do the reasons
12:36
for silence for the,
12:39
uh, client. Okay.
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What does silence allow us to do as counselors when
12:47
we let go of the discomfort of silence?
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Well, it provides us deliberate use to encourage a client
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to do their self-exploration. We're providing them the space.
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And it allows a client to carry the burden of the conversation.
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Now, the term burden usually suggests that,
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oh, um, this is my problem.
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The answer is, it's absolutely yes.
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A client issue is not your burden, it's theirs.
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And this allows them the space to own
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it. And understand it.
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An organizational use of silence enables counselors to collect
13:35
her or his own thoughts. This provides you
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with the space to say, oh my gosh,
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I just asked this question. Why?
13:48
What is the therapeutic purpose behind the question I just asked
13:52
this person? What are the responses?
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And regardless of the response, how should I
14:00
respond?
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And at times it's a natural ending to a phase of a discussion.
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So at times we use silence as not
14:13
a question,
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but it may be something as simply so What
14:21
we discussed today,
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I want you to take a moment with that and just think about it.
14:30
Silence, 20 seconds, and allow them to have that space
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to just really integrate
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what has just happened in that session.
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So what are the reasons for silence for our clients?
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It allows them to both neurologically,
14:53
cognitively, emotionally, and psychologically make connections,
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to wait for words and images to come up.
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It provides a space for which feelings can be nurtured
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and allowed to develop without judgment,
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without, uh, oh, you didn't answer that question right
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now, you must be Da da da.
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A space in which the client is able to recover from the
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here and now emotions, to allow them
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the space to breathe and
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exhale and allow the emotions of the question to
15:37
really resonate. And again,
15:41
on the organization, use of silence enables a client to
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collect his or her thoughts. Remember offense events,
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assess values, and reflect on their feelings so that
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you get an authentic response, not a response
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that is choreographed based on what they feel
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you expect them to say.
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So That's
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what it provides. Now, what are the benefits? So what
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are the benefits of silence? Again, starting with a counselor, and we're going
16:22
to go back to this person-centered values. It's about that
16:25
in an individual. The environment is established for
16:29
them. Is that first, silence encourages a client
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to explore themselves and reinforce basic principles of this
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person-centered. We're there about them.
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And as in this slide it says, thus, if the client expects
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their counselor to provide advice, an answer to
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silence, perhaps accompanied by a warm,
16:53
accepting smile, can be used to demonstrate that there
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is no more to be gained from looking within
17:00
the self than by viewing the therapist as
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the expert. And I just
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want to bring this point up from a, a person-centered approach.
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We are not the expert of
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our client. Our client
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is the expert of them.
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And this links with a core condition of unconditional
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positive regard, especially establish— establishing those within the first 1
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to 3 sessions,
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trusting that the client will, will,
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given the core conditions, find a way that
17:46
is best for them. Meaning that the answer isn't
17:51
coming from the expert because the expert is them.
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And we're there to help the client understand
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who they are so that in later sessions,
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when we implement a therapeutic intervention,
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such as a coping skill or something else. It makes
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sense to them.
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Another benefit for the counselor is it encourages
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autonomy. Silence gives
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the client autonomy within the session so that they
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set the pace of the counseling. We can't force
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healing. We have to allow
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it to emerge. If the counselor instead asks
18:41
a question, they would be leading the counseling session
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and potentially taking the client away from their own focus of
18:50
attention and feeling. So we shouldn't
18:54
immediately try to provide answers.
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The other benefit for the counseling process is it allows
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the counseling process in and of itself. It enables a counselor
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to collect their thoughts and feelings. Think about
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the incredible work time that you have when you allow a
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silence to occur. There are
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times when a client will bring something and the counselor needs
19:26
time to understand it. We ourselves sometimes may
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be unfamiliar with what a client states,
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and we ourselves need that moment of silence.
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So I can reverse this in some ways. What happens
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when a client asks us a question?
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If we haven't set the tone in the counseling session,
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that we are allowed to have time to
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really process it,
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we will try in that situation to immediately try
20:03
to provide an answer. And that answer is going to be
20:07
latent with our biases, our perception,
20:11
our history, and not necessarily a
20:16
calm professional response.
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Immediately launching into reflection or paraphrasing can
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distract the counselor from fully absorbing the client
20:29
has shared. This statement I just read because next
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week we're going to talk about reflection and paraphrasing.
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This is something that I would encourage you not to immediately
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do. When you
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do paraphrasing or reflection, you should sit there with
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it for a minute. Collect your thought,
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allow the client to be in silence,
20:55
uncomfortable, and then say,
20:59
so what I heard you say,
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and correct me if I'm wrong,
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is this. Give a
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moment of silence and then say what you heard,
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and then give a moment of silence for the client to absorb
21:19
your reflection and provide
21:23
an honest response.
21:31
Fredina, yes, this is a, a good example of the term reflective
21:36
listening. Thank you so much for stating
21:41
that. Yes, it is. This is a term
21:45
known as reflective listening. And that's a perfect term
21:49
to put to what we're talking about. Um,
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the other benefits for counselors— did you notice how many slides we've gone
21:56
through for the benefits of you and not just the
22:00
client? Is you can use it to mark transitions.
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So not only can you use it in moments of silence when you ask
22:08
a question or when the client needs a
22:12
reflection or a summary, but it can also
22:16
mark transition to give people a time to adjust.
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So a client may be reached to a natural end, and sometimes
22:25
in a one-on-one session, we get to a natural end on a topic.
22:29
We've covered it and wishes to move on to
22:33
something different. In this case, as this slide says,
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Silence serves as a type of punctuation, a period
22:43
or an exclamation point, where you give the
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client time to finish the process,
22:52
think about anything else, and then we say
22:55
simply, so before we move on, do you have any questions?
23:01
Or, so I think it's time we move on.
23:05
So now let's discuss our next topic.
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But this is also a skill because you have to understand
23:15
when you know a client has come
23:19
to that natural end, that they've discussed it,
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we've gone over it to the point that now it's time to move
23:26
on. And I will say that, um,
23:31
This is one training thing that I saw with therapists
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early in their training is they weren't
23:40
finished with a topic, but their client was.
23:45
And I will say this in,
23:49
in all honesty, become attuned when
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a client is done talking about a topic.
23:58
And be ready to move on. Because if you
24:01
try to pressure that topic anymore,
24:06
they're gonna feel unheard. They're gonna feel like, this isn't
24:11
my space. They're gonna feel like this is not an authentic
24:15
relationship. So understand when a client
24:19
has come to a natural end to a discussion. And when
24:23
it's time to move on. All right, so let's
24:27
now get into what are the benefits of silence for the client.
24:32
And from our introduction, you could probably guess some of these.
24:36
It allows them to make connections. It gives them time
24:39
to make connections, to find words, images, feelings.
24:45
It may be the first time, and we've— this is kind of a review
24:48
from what we've just talked about. It gives them It may be the first
24:53
time where someone has given them the space to understand
24:58
their feelings, thoughts, and emotions, and that
25:01
they're perfectly competent, given that space,
25:06
to answer truthfully and authentically.
25:10
While they may be familiar with a physical sensation
25:14
that emotion brings, such as a knot in the
25:17
stomach or tightness in the chest, It may naturally take
25:21
them to find words to describe this.
25:26
And this brings up— we want to encourage
25:29
the connection between emotions,
25:32
the feeling of physiological tightness in the stomach,
25:36
sweating in the palm, increased heart rate,
25:41
and the feelings they attach to it.
25:45
Is this a safe feeling? What is this
25:48
emotion? In the past, when I felt like
25:52
this, I wanted to run out of the room, or I wanted to hide.
25:57
But what does this actually mean to me right now?
26:00
This person isn't immediately attacking me.
26:05
They're not providing me with the answers. They're just providing me with
26:09
a space.
26:19
It allows them to nurture feelings. And I love this,
26:22
uh, image in this slide of the little,
26:26
uh, plant or bush, or some may call
26:30
it a weed, growing out of this, uh, what looks like
26:35
a tarp or road
26:39
or sidewalk, okay, is that
26:44
silence can provide spaces where feelings can be nurtured and allowed
26:48
to develop when we've always had to have a
26:52
shield, a barrier, an asphalt layer.
26:58
And I've never been allowed to actually nurture
27:02
and be able to fully feel an emotion because
27:07
it was expected me to be quiet or not
27:11
be over-emotional or not feel anything.
27:15
And, and in this one, I will bring up a cultural issue.
27:19
This one is especially important, especially when working with
27:23
men, because in this broader
27:27
culture here in the United States, men are encouraged to put a
27:31
layer of asphalt over their feelings and emotions.
27:35
And conversely, with women— again,
27:38
going back to my experience working with women of abuse— they
27:42
were often told that their emotions were exaggerated,
27:46
or they shouldn't be feeling that way, or why are you being so emotional.
27:52
I've heard that time and time again as an abusive
27:56
tactic. But imagine
28:00
a moment of silence where there allowed
28:04
to go and express themselves beyond the asphalt
28:08
and grow this part of them of feelings
28:12
and emotions and understanding them and being able to
28:15
respond to them and be able to interpret them on
28:19
their own terms and not what everyone else
28:23
has always told them they should feel.
28:31
And this brings up this idea on this next
28:34
slide of being— allowing them to fully engage with emotions.
28:41
And I'm gonna read this next part. It may well be that a weight
28:45
of the material that is being brought is emotionally heavy.
28:50
The client may cry as they feel the pain.
28:54
Which they were told to previously suppress.
28:59
Why are you crying? Is an often term
29:03
I've heard from many of my clients when they start to cry,
29:07
and they say, I shouldn't cry. I was always told not to do that.
29:11
It's not allowed. Is now experience— you're
29:16
providing the experience for its full intensity.
29:20
And this is what silence allows. It allows a space
29:24
for such emotions that they were told to repress,
29:28
or they weren't allowed to have, to be fully
29:32
felt and processed for the first time in
29:36
many cases.
29:41
Now, silence is also important because silence also denotes
29:45
body language. And silence
29:49
is important in this state too. So when
29:53
we speak about the difference tone of voices, both written and spoken
29:56
language, but silence has a different tone as
30:00
well. It relays a different message.
30:04
It provides a different language.
30:08
Silence in counseling is not about just being physically present yet
30:13
quiet. You're there.
30:17
It requires full presence without the client within this— that silence.
30:22
In other words, psychological contact must remain
30:26
in place at all times.
30:31
When you ask a client a question, you just don't go, I'm going to make
30:34
notes while this client is thinking about this, or I have this other thing
30:38
I need to do. We don't sit there with silence and say,
30:42
okay, I'm going to ask you a question. While you think about it,
30:46
I'm going to go do something else.
30:50
That is disregarding a person's emotion. You're just repressing
30:54
their emotions in order for you to get something done.
30:59
When we use silence appropriately, we sit there with them.
31:05
We're there. Maintaining this
31:09
presence and connection can allow the therapist to pick up on
31:14
the client's feelings by observing their body language.
31:18
So it allows us to say, you know what, this is how this
31:21
client is feeling this. I should be prepared for
31:26
their response. There can be just, be just as
31:30
much communication Power and meaning
31:33
in conveying during silence as there is
31:37
when they're talking with us.
31:46
And I'm going to end with this, I think, on this one, on empathy,
31:50
on silence. For next week, we'll get into paraphrasing,
31:53
but I want to end silence with this quote by Carl Rogers.
31:58
Empathy is the ability to perceive the internal
32:03
frame of reference of another with accuracy and
32:08
with emotional competence and meaning which
32:12
pertains thereto as if one
32:15
were the person, but without ever losing
32:20
as-if conditions. And I'm going to end this
32:24
lecture on, on silence with this idea.
32:28
You know you're congruent with your client when
32:33
everything else in the world goes to the background,
32:38
and even in the moments of silence, it is just
32:42
you and that client or those group members,
32:47
and your world for those 50 minutes goes
32:52
to the background— your concerns,
32:56
your— the things you're going through. And it is you
33:01
and them, and you're in that relationship because
33:07
that is the condition in which change can
33:10
occur.