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Transcript

Not My Circus · Everyone Has An Ex

0:10
Speaker 1: You're listening to a Mother mea podcast Muma Me acknowledges
0:15
Speaker 1: the traditional owners of the land and waters. This podcast
0:18
Speaker 1: is recorded on Power is an interesting thing when it
0:28
Speaker 1: comes to relationships. It can be shared, moved around, when
0:31
Speaker 1: life and circumstances change. It can even be kind of hot.
0:35
Speaker 2: I wasn't doing really much with my life. He had
0:38
Speaker 2: a full time job, It's a respectable job. He was
0:42
Speaker 2: a bit older than me. He had a masculine energy,
0:45
Speaker 2: which I did find quite attractive, so tall, dark. He
0:49
Speaker 2: was telling me about all the traveling he had done,
0:52
Speaker 2: and how just all about the things he's been doing,
0:56
Speaker 2: and it just sounded so interesting.
0:58
Speaker 1: But the key to navigating different power dynamics is in balance.
1:02
Speaker 1: So when a relationship starts with the scales very much
1:05
Speaker 1: tipped one way, it can prove near impossible to shift it,
1:08
Speaker 1: and all of a sudden you can find yourself nowhere
1:10
Speaker 1: near the driver's seat, spinning out of control.
1:14
Speaker 2: I was keeping receipts because if he was going to
1:17
Speaker 2: make accusations against me, I wanted to be known that no,
1:20
Speaker 2: he was the one that was doing the wrong thing.
1:22
Speaker 2: I felt like it was impacting my job because I
1:25
Speaker 2: felt like I was going to get in trouble. He
1:27
Speaker 2: did say that if I interfered in his life in
1:29
Speaker 2: any way, he would get payback.
1:40
Speaker 1: I'm Georgia Love and this is everyone has an ex
1:43
Speaker 1: Come with me as we dive into a collection of
1:46
Speaker 1: unconventional stories about relationships past through the eyes and the
1:50
Speaker 1: hearts of the very people who lived them. Leah's story begins,
1:54
Speaker 1: as so many do, a young woman who still felt
1:57
Speaker 1: like a girl with just one fairly non serious high
2:00
Speaker 1: school situationship to her name. But at twenty one, while
2:04
Speaker 1: working in a cafe to make ends meet as she
2:06
Speaker 1: tried to find her way in the big wide world,
2:08
Speaker 1: her dating life was about to change.
2:11
Speaker 2: I'd finished UNI, but I wasn't doing really much with
2:13
Speaker 2: my life, and I met Ethan when he came in
2:17
Speaker 2: to get coffee. He was coming in quite a few times,
2:21
Speaker 2: making eye contact and being really chatty, and then I
2:25
Speaker 2: was a bit slow to realize, like, oh, this person's
2:27
Speaker 2: actually interested in me. And then he asked for my number.
2:31
Speaker 2: I read it down a receipt and I gave it
2:33
Speaker 2: to him. I was so excited when the text came
2:36
Speaker 2: through with him asking me how I was and that
2:39
Speaker 2: he thought I was cute, and I was flattered. I
2:43
Speaker 2: think everyone thinks, oh, to meet people these days, you
2:45
Speaker 2: got to meet them on a dating app. That's how
2:47
Speaker 2: generally people meet these days. So to meet someone in
2:50
Speaker 2: the wild, I thought, was like quite lucky, and it
2:53
Speaker 2: made me feel like it was a bit more special
2:55
Speaker 2: because I had no idea who he was, and didn't
2:57
Speaker 2: already have a preconceived idea based off a dating app
3:00
Speaker 2: what he was like. He had a masculine energy, which
3:04
Speaker 2: I did find quite attractive. So tull, dark, sort of quiet,
3:08
Speaker 2: but very chat when you get to know him. He
3:12
Speaker 2: organized the date really quickly. We messaged back and forth,
3:16
Speaker 2: he sent me some photos of him at work, and
3:19
Speaker 2: then he organized to pick me up and we went
3:22
Speaker 2: on a date to a restaurant by the Bitch.
3:25
Speaker 1: His work was a serious, full time job, but he
3:28
Speaker 1: also worked part time in the Army reserves. And he
3:31
Speaker 1: was thirty three, twelve years older than Leah, so she
3:34
Speaker 1: thought it all sounded pretty great. A mature guy with
3:37
Speaker 1: a serious job and good work ethic, and he was
3:40
Speaker 1: interested in her.
3:41
Speaker 2: It was the best first date I've ever had because
3:43
Speaker 2: we were just sharing pizza together and he was telling
3:47
Speaker 2: me about all the traveling he had done, and how
3:51
Speaker 2: just all about the things he's been doing, and it
3:53
Speaker 2: just sounded so interesting, like he really wanted to live
3:56
Speaker 2: life to the fullest. I don't think we had a
3:58
Speaker 2: whole lot in common, but we did get along really well.
4:02
Speaker 2: I found him very funny and he was just really kind.
4:07
Speaker 2: I remember feeling quite excited to get to know him more.
4:11
Speaker 2: He said he didn't have social media, and I did
4:13
Speaker 2: actually try to look him up because I was so
4:15
Speaker 2: curious about him, and I couldn't find anything. But then
4:19
Speaker 2: I ended up liking that he didn't have social media
4:21
Speaker 2: because of his job, because it forced me to get
4:23
Speaker 2: to know him on our dates, Like I wasn't wasting
4:26
Speaker 2: any time looking at his profile or anything like that.
4:30
Speaker 2: He just seem so mature and just sensible, like you
4:33
Speaker 2: have an issue, just talk it out. So he just
4:35
Speaker 2: seemed just really, really sensible.
4:37
Speaker 1: But it was very much casual to begin with. After
4:40
Speaker 1: that first date on the beach, more started to flow,
4:43
Speaker 1: no pressure, just hanging out, having fun and getting to
4:46
Speaker 1: know each other.
4:47
Speaker 2: The first few dates we would just do very normal
4:50
Speaker 2: activities like going to the beach, going on a walk,
4:53
Speaker 2: going to a cafe, and the most boring activities were
4:56
Speaker 2: just so much fun because he was just so funny
5:00
Speaker 2: and engaged and just he just wanted to have a
5:02
Speaker 2: good time. Like just getting to know each other just
5:04
Speaker 2: felt so effortless. The first kiss was in the car
5:09
Speaker 2: after one of the dates. I just always felt like
5:12
Speaker 2: he was more into me than I was into him,
5:14
Speaker 2: and I kind of liked that because I feel like,
5:17
Speaker 2: normally I feel like I'm always chasing people who don't
5:20
Speaker 2: like me. When we saw each other, it was definitely
5:23
Speaker 2: in odd times because his schedule was varied and so
5:27
Speaker 2: was mine, and so it was in odd times, but
5:30
Speaker 2: would always make an effort because we did live close
5:32
Speaker 2: by to see each other, even if it was at
5:34
Speaker 2: night or in the morning. It was because I didn't
5:37
Speaker 2: have a normal nine to five, we were able to
5:39
Speaker 2: meet up at odd times. Every time we hung out,
5:42
Speaker 2: I felt like I was having a good time and
5:44
Speaker 2: so was he. And then if we weren't together, he
5:48
Speaker 2: was sending me text messages about what he's doing in
5:51
Speaker 2: his day, sending me photos about what he was up to,
5:54
Speaker 2: So I never felt insecure at all, Like I really
5:57
Speaker 2: did feel like secure in the relationship. And so while
6:01
Speaker 2: we weren't boyfriend girlfriend just yet. I just felt so
6:03
Speaker 2: confident that he was trying to date me, to make
6:07
Speaker 2: it into a serious relationship. When we got to the
6:09
Speaker 2: stage where I thought were about to get more serious,
6:12
Speaker 2: he disclosed that he had some issues with a previous
6:16
Speaker 2: partner and he wanted to take it slow because he
6:20
Speaker 2: wants to make sure it's right. And I just thought
6:22
Speaker 2: that was sensible. He didn't want to rush into anything,
6:25
Speaker 2: and so yeah, he did warn me, but I never
6:27
Speaker 2: thought that was a bad thing. I just thought he
6:28
Speaker 2: was being sensible and that he trusted me to tell
6:30
Speaker 2: me about his previous relationships and where's other people wouldn't
6:34
Speaker 2: be telling you about an ex because they really don't
6:38
Speaker 2: tell you. But he was happily disclosing about how his
6:40
Speaker 2: previous relationship was and how it didn't work out, and
6:44
Speaker 2: he might not be fully over her. But that's why
6:47
Speaker 2: he moved cities and he was in a new city
6:50
Speaker 2: because that relationship had broken down. She had gone really
6:55
Speaker 2: upset that it had ended. She was stalking him and
6:59
Speaker 2: he just kept going back to her because she was
7:02
Speaker 2: emotionally abusive, and so he's had a lot of trauma
7:06
Speaker 2: from that. That's why he felt like he just wanted
7:09
Speaker 2: to be up sure that the person who was dating
7:12
Speaker 2: was sensible, and so like hearing a guy talking about
7:16
Speaker 2: being abused, you do feel sorry for them. And the
7:19
Speaker 2: fact he trusted me enough to tell me made me
7:21
Speaker 2: feel like, oh, that's good enough for me. It was
7:23
Speaker 2: around the time of COVID, so we weren't actually being
7:26
Speaker 2: able to stay at each other's house, so that really
7:29
Speaker 2: made it hard because we were having lockdowns and people
7:34
Speaker 2: were getting sick, and he had to be careful because
7:37
Speaker 2: he was still having to work. And he would tell
7:40
Speaker 2: me how like because he has no friends or family,
7:42
Speaker 2: because he has moved to a new city, he only
7:44
Speaker 2: has himself to look out for him. So he was
7:46
Speaker 2: very focused on, like he doesn't want to lose any
7:48
Speaker 2: hours at work. It meant he would come to my place,
7:52
Speaker 2: or we will drive up and meet somewhere, and it
7:55
Speaker 2: felt normal because during COVID there were so many cars
7:58
Speaker 2: by the beach, so many cars parked in random street
8:01
Speaker 2: where people were trying to meet up with each other
8:03
Speaker 2: because they were trying to be careful because of the restrictions.
8:07
Speaker 2: So we were seeing each other regularly, texting lots, like
8:11
Speaker 2: we were basically in a relationship, but just without the label.
8:15
Speaker 2: I didn't ever stay at his house because he had
8:17
Speaker 2: housemates and I could understand that it would be a
8:19
Speaker 2: bit awkward trying to sleep over, so he would only
8:22
Speaker 2: really come to mind. We will see each other every
8:26
Speaker 2: few days, even if it was just for a couple hours,
8:29
Speaker 2: texting multiple times a day, sending photos. We didn't do
8:35
Speaker 2: call so much because I think it was just too
8:38
Speaker 2: hard with both our schedules were just so different. It
8:41
Speaker 2: wasn't even an option for me, and I think this
8:43
Speaker 2: was like my second relationship. I was just doing what
8:47
Speaker 2: I thought was normal at the time. We were about
8:50
Speaker 2: probably five months in when I started putting pressure on
8:52
Speaker 2: for it to be more serious. It's coming off to
8:54
Speaker 2: my birthday. I wanted him to show up for me,
8:58
Speaker 2: and it was also around the time of his birthday,
9:00
Speaker 2: so I just felt like I wanted I just think
9:03
Speaker 2: especially around special occasions, if you're dating someone, you kind
9:06
Speaker 2: of want them to come to things because you've told
9:09
Speaker 2: I've told my friends and family I'm dating this person,
9:12
Speaker 2: so I wanted them to all meet him. He wasn't
9:16
Speaker 2: keen on the idea. I think he just saying how
9:18
Speaker 2: busy he was and how he had a lot going on.
9:22
Speaker 2: He wasn't enthusiastic about doing that, and it did make
9:25
Speaker 2: me feel bad. And I remember thinking, like, if other
9:29
Speaker 2: people had a guy that was flaky like this, you'd
9:31
Speaker 2: say to them like, move on, find someone else. But
9:34
Speaker 2: I thought, you know what, I'm never going to get
9:36
Speaker 2: a perfect person. I just need to find someone who's
9:39
Speaker 2: nice and kind and ticks most of the boxes and
9:42
Speaker 2: that I can work with that. I'm happy to accept
9:44
Speaker 2: him being a little bit flaky, like to me, that
9:46
Speaker 2: was not a bad thing. Like when people say, oh,
9:48
Speaker 2: if you've slightly just cut him off, well, no, because
9:51
Speaker 2: everyone has flaws. And that was probably the one thing
9:54
Speaker 2: that I found hard was he wasn't super super available.
9:58
Speaker 2: There was things that I was thinking, I'm not too sure,
10:01
Speaker 2: but I just could not let him go. Like I
10:03
Speaker 2: just thought there was so much potential in the relationship
10:06
Speaker 2: that we just not explored. But I just thought there
10:08
Speaker 2: was so much there to see to experience together. That
10:11
Speaker 2: made me so excited.
10:14
Speaker 1: It had been a while now and Lea was starting
10:16
Speaker 1: to get a bit frustrated. She wanted to be with him,
10:18
Speaker 1: but she wanted him to want that to that was
10:21
Speaker 1: still having a great time together. There was definitely a
10:23
Speaker 1: spark and physical connection. They shared everything from stories to
10:27
Speaker 1: dreams and because it's the twenty twenties, memes.
10:31
Speaker 2: One day he sent me an Instagram story of a
10:34
Speaker 2: meme and I remember looking at being like, you don't
10:37
Speaker 2: have Instagram, so where's the screenshot come from. I was
10:41
Speaker 2: in shock, and I was starting to feel like I'm
10:44
Speaker 2: so dumb. I'm going to be smarter and I'm going
10:46
Speaker 2: to be a detective and try and figure this out.
10:48
Speaker 2: Don't jump to conclusions or make any assumptions. You're going
10:52
Speaker 2: to get all the facts before you even say anything.
10:55
Speaker 2: And I immediately used a fake Instagram account to go
10:59
Speaker 2: add the profile, and I went through the following list
11:03
Speaker 2: and I found his name, except he had a different surname.
11:08
Speaker 2: The Instagram one was real one. I was given the
11:10
Speaker 2: fake one. I didn't tell him because I wanted to
11:13
Speaker 2: find out as much information as I can before he
11:16
Speaker 2: maybe started deleting things or hiding things more. His profile
11:21
Speaker 2: was all lockdown, so it was really hard to see
11:25
Speaker 2: anything on his profile on his Instagram, and he didn't
11:28
Speaker 2: accept a fake account. From there, I went to Facebook,
11:31
Speaker 2: I looked him up. I found his profile his Facebook
11:36
Speaker 2: profile only had photos by himself. There was no pictures
11:39
Speaker 2: with anyone. But I went through everyone who liked his
11:43
Speaker 2: photos and that's where I found the wife. I went
11:47
Speaker 2: through everyone who liked his Facebook profile photo and saw
11:52
Speaker 2: a woman who had hearted it with the same surname.
11:55
Speaker 2: I looked her up on Instagram and I saw in
11:57
Speaker 2: the profile Ethan's name with a ring emoji. They were
12:02
Speaker 2: definitely married. It was one hundred percent married. I could
12:05
Speaker 2: see they had been married two years prior, and that
12:11
Speaker 2: the dog that he had was a shared dog with her,
12:15
Speaker 2: and he didn't have housemates. He was living with her.
12:18
Speaker 2: I was thinking, has everything been a lie? Do I
12:22
Speaker 2: even know this person? He knows a lot about me
12:24
Speaker 2: and I was my true self, and I feel like
12:27
Speaker 2: I've been dating a fake. I don't even know what
12:30
Speaker 2: to call it. It's not catfishing, but yeah, I was
12:32
Speaker 2: in shock. I immediately started thinking about every story he'd
12:36
Speaker 2: ever told me about this ex, about how she was funny,
12:41
Speaker 2: but then she didn't take a break up well and
12:43
Speaker 2: she was stalking him and it was having a hard
12:46
Speaker 2: time to get over. Were they possibly about his ex wife?
12:50
Speaker 2: He told me he'd moved from up North down to
12:53
Speaker 2: get away from this X. But I could see that
12:56
Speaker 2: they had both previously lived up north and were both
12:59
Speaker 2: now living in the same town as me. So I
13:02
Speaker 2: could see a recent photo together, the pair of them
13:06
Speaker 2: by the beach holding the dog. The photos were very
13:09
Speaker 2: recent and within like the last week on the Facebook.
13:12
Speaker 2: So it made me think that this was a serious
13:16
Speaker 2: relationship that's happening now, not something in the past. It
13:20
Speaker 2: couldn't be justified with oh, we'd split or she was
13:23
Speaker 2: just an ex. I wouldn't have believed that.
13:26
Speaker 1: Leah was dumbfounded and totally confused, so she did what
13:30
Speaker 1: any of us would. She rallied her troops.
13:33
Speaker 2: My family were like, I would just forget to move on,
13:35
Speaker 2: don't say anything. It's probably worse for the wife than
13:38
Speaker 2: it is for you, so just have nothing to do
13:40
Speaker 2: with them. But my friends were like, I think you
13:42
Speaker 2: need to tell the wife because if that was you,
13:45
Speaker 2: you'd want to know. So I decided to just wait
13:49
Speaker 2: a week, just to sit and think about it, and
13:53
Speaker 2: funnily enough, he was hardly messaging me. I was thinking, well,
13:56
Speaker 2: of course you're not messaging me, You're probably busy with
13:59
Speaker 2: your wife. So I started thinking like, oh, was I
14:02
Speaker 2: the main one carrying the conversation and planning us hanging
14:06
Speaker 2: out and putting in the effort to make it work.
14:09
Speaker 2: Was it me that had done most of the that,
14:12
Speaker 2: So now that I wasn't reaching out, he wasn't reaching
14:15
Speaker 2: out either. A week later, he messages me saying he
14:19
Speaker 2: misses me and asking how I was going. I replied,
14:23
Speaker 2: I know you have a wife. I'm not going to
14:26
Speaker 2: tell her. Please tell me what was real and what wasn't.
14:30
Speaker 2: I wasn't actually expecting an answer. I was just hoping
14:33
Speaker 2: he'd apologize, because I wasn't trying to come off as
14:36
Speaker 2: a threat that I was going to tell the wife.
14:38
Speaker 2: I just wanted him to admit to it, like I
14:40
Speaker 2: get it. People make mistakes and then we can move on.
14:43
Speaker 2: Not that I would be wanting to be with him,
14:45
Speaker 2: but I just wanted him to admit to it. He said,
14:49
Speaker 2: I don't know where the hell you've got this information from.
14:53
Speaker 2: Who's talking shit about me? Kept asking me if anyone
14:56
Speaker 2: from his work had spoken to me, and I was
14:59
Speaker 2: saying no, and then he said, oh, have you been
15:02
Speaker 2: stalking me? We went back and forth texting, and it
15:08
Speaker 2: was just me trying to get him to tell me
15:10
Speaker 2: the truth. I just wanted him to tell me the
15:13
Speaker 2: truth about their relationship because I felt like I'd been
15:15
Speaker 2: honest in the whole time I was dating him, and
15:18
Speaker 2: everything he told me about himself was probably a lie.
15:21
Speaker 2: It just made me just want answers. I just asked
15:25
Speaker 2: him to tell me about the wife. He refused because
15:29
Speaker 2: he was quite intimidating and told me about how he
15:33
Speaker 2: had a previous ex charge with stalking. I'm not sure
15:35
Speaker 2: whether it was some other girlfriend he was cheating or
15:38
Speaker 2: when he was with the wife. It did make me
15:40
Speaker 2: very scared to tell the wife because I just thought, oh,
15:44
Speaker 2: I just found him very intimidating, Like I'm just someone
15:47
Speaker 2: that works in a cafe. I don't think it's worth
15:50
Speaker 2: the fight. I did spend quite a bit of time
15:54
Speaker 2: looking up his wife, him, their friends and family on
15:58
Speaker 2: social media, just trying to like understand who he really was,
16:02
Speaker 2: because he'd always made out that he was some struggling
16:05
Speaker 2: guy working two jobs. You know, he wasn't even eating well.
16:09
Speaker 2: He was eating tasty for dinner because he was, you know, struggling,
16:13
Speaker 2: And I just thought, you have a partner, and I
16:15
Speaker 2: am like, I'm on my own, You're not actually on
16:18
Speaker 2: your own.
16:18
Speaker 1: From dating this guy for six months, she suddenly realized
16:21
Speaker 1: she had no idea who he was was yet what
16:25
Speaker 1: he was capable of. So she started to put together
16:28
Speaker 1: a file documenting everything she found and how she'd found it.
16:32
Speaker 2: So we'd go back and forth texting, and then he
16:35
Speaker 2: would say something, right, leave me the hell alone. If
16:37
Speaker 2: you contact me any further, I'm going to consider this
16:40
Speaker 2: harassment and report you to the police. I was worried
16:43
Speaker 2: that he might continue to say that I was stalking him,
16:45
Speaker 2: and I wanted to be like, no, I didn't. I
16:47
Speaker 2: found out legally, and I think at this point I'd
16:50
Speaker 2: started a part time government job, and then he was
16:53
Speaker 2: implying that I'd used a government system to look him
16:56
Speaker 2: up to find out this information, which I definitely hadn't,
16:59
Speaker 2: and I felt like it was impacting my job because
17:02
Speaker 2: I felt like I was going to get in trouble,
17:03
Speaker 2: even though I know I hadn't done anything wrong, but
17:05
Speaker 2: I felt like they could go that way. I was
17:08
Speaker 2: becoming paranoid and worried that he was going to do something.
17:13
Speaker 2: He did say that if I interfered in his life
17:16
Speaker 2: in any way, he would get payback. I never met
17:19
Speaker 2: up with him again. He kept trying to get me
17:22
Speaker 2: to meet up with him because he wanted to explain things,
17:24
Speaker 2: but I didn't want that. I own if you're going
17:26
Speaker 2: to explain it, explain it to me by text.
17:28
Speaker 1: And yeah.
17:29
Speaker 2: We went back and forth over a few months. So
17:31
Speaker 2: after a couple months of texting back and forth, I
17:34
Speaker 2: decided to add him on my real account on Instagram.
17:37
Speaker 2: If he wasn't going to give me the answers, I thought,
17:39
Speaker 2: I'm going to try find them myself. And that's where
17:42
Speaker 2: I saw that there was no pictures of the wife.
17:46
Speaker 2: There was only pictures with a paramedic named Chloe. And
17:50
Speaker 2: I was then also in shock because I was like, wait,
17:54
Speaker 2: did I get it wrong. There was pictures for the
17:56
Speaker 2: last two years of them going on holiday. The most
18:00
Speaker 2: recent photo was one from the previous year. There was
18:03
Speaker 2: nothing from this year. So it was like for the
18:06
Speaker 2: first two years of their marriage he was with Chloe,
18:09
Speaker 2: but it was It was weird because Chloe's relationship with
18:12
Speaker 2: Ethan seemed very serious, like they were taking holidays, whereas
18:15
Speaker 2: for me it was just something way more casual. Then
18:18
Speaker 2: I was in shock again. I thought I was in
18:21
Speaker 2: a relationship and now I'm like he was in a
18:24
Speaker 2: serious relationship with her, like going on holidays. At least
18:29
Speaker 2: she knew his real name. I didn't get to know
18:31
Speaker 2: his real name, so I kind of I was just jealous. Honestly,
18:35
Speaker 2: in my head, I was thinking, Oh, maybe he was
18:37
Speaker 2: with her for two years and then moved cities and
18:41
Speaker 2: maybe he wasn't seeing her now. But then there was
18:43
Speaker 2: some recent photos and some comments, and that's why I
18:45
Speaker 2: was getting confused. And then the other big thing that
18:47
Speaker 2: I saw on Instagram was that he bought a house,
18:51
Speaker 2: and I was just trying to work out which girl
18:53
Speaker 2: did he buy the house with. He bought the house
18:57
Speaker 2: probably around the time that I had found out he
19:01
Speaker 2: had a wife, So that's probably why he didn't really
19:04
Speaker 2: care to try to explain or talk to me or anything,
19:08
Speaker 2: because he was too busy doing that. Like he really
19:10
Speaker 2: didn't care about me. I was nothing.
19:13
Speaker 1: Leah was more confused than ever, but at the end
19:15
Speaker 1: of the day, she'd already learned Ethan was a liar.
19:18
Speaker 1: There was no doubt Leah had unknowingly been the other
19:21
Speaker 1: woman to either his ex wife or this Chloe. What
19:24
Speaker 1: good would it do for her to get herself even
19:26
Speaker 1: more tangled up in his lines.
19:28
Speaker 2: I think I just had enough answers to know that
19:31
Speaker 2: he was just a massive cheeto and that he wasn't
19:34
Speaker 2: going to change. And I don't think even telling them
19:37
Speaker 2: was going to bring me any peace or third, I
19:41
Speaker 2: believe me, and I just think looking back, there were
19:44
Speaker 2: so many signs that he was cheating that I missed
19:47
Speaker 2: and that I felt dumb and that I have to
19:49
Speaker 2: just move on by trying to build up my confidence.
19:52
Speaker 2: Things like when we did hang out, we were doing
19:54
Speaker 2: mundane activities like going to get your car cleaned, which
19:59
Speaker 2: could have been explained away to the wife, or going
20:02
Speaker 2: to get a haircut, or meeting up at the shops
20:05
Speaker 2: and hanging out. Those sorts of activities the partner was
20:08
Speaker 2: not going to pick up on. They probably just thought
20:10
Speaker 2: he was there by himself. I was spending quite a
20:13
Speaker 2: bit of time thinking about all the signs that I
20:15
Speaker 2: had missed. For example, he said he was allergic to perfume,
20:19
Speaker 2: and there was one day he was like sweating himself,
20:21
Speaker 2: acting like he was having about to have a rash
20:23
Speaker 2: or a breakout because of perfume, and then he was
20:26
Speaker 2: always getting his car cleaned. Just things like that that.
20:29
Speaker 2: I go Leah, like, how did you not realize he
20:33
Speaker 2: probably just didn't want to go home smelling like another woman.
20:36
Speaker 2: He was probably getting his car cleaned all the time
20:38
Speaker 2: in case there was any brown hair in the car
20:41
Speaker 2: because his wife was blonde. At this point, I decided,
20:45
Speaker 2: and I'm going to have to forget to move on,
20:46
Speaker 2: except it as a bad memory and just forget. So yeah,
20:49
Speaker 2: I moved cities, I went back to UNI. I changed
20:53
Speaker 2: jobs and was doing full time the government job while studying,
20:57
Speaker 2: and I just thought, I have to forget to move on.
20:59
Speaker 1: So that was that a bad experience with the bad guy,
21:03
Speaker 1: But it was behind her, not Leah's circus, not her monkeys.
21:07
Speaker 1: But dear listener, you can see by how long this
21:09
Speaker 1: episode has left, the story isn't finished just yet.
21:12
Speaker 2: So it's now been a few years and I have
21:16
Speaker 2: completely moved on. I haven't even thought about him. Every
21:19
Speaker 2: relationship since has honestly been so much better. And I'm
21:23
Speaker 2: in my hometown where my mum lives, and I'm at
21:27
Speaker 2: the shops, and then I get a text from Ethan
21:30
Speaker 2: saying he had just seen me at the shops and
21:32
Speaker 2: he was wondering how it was going. I was thinking,
21:36
Speaker 2: please don't disturb my peace. Like I've moved on. You
21:40
Speaker 2: got away with it. I never told a single person
21:42
Speaker 2: about what you did, and you're texting me right now,
21:45
Speaker 2: like I was just like in shock. I was like okay,
21:50
Speaker 2: And so then I was like, h let me go
21:52
Speaker 2: on social media and check out what these people are doing.
21:56
Speaker 2: I could see that he still owned the house that
22:00
Speaker 2: he'd bought when we were dating, and it had not
22:04
Speaker 2: been sold, So that, to me suggested he was not
22:06
Speaker 2: divorced from the wife because they still owned that house together.
22:10
Speaker 2: And then I could see that Chloe was not with
22:11
Speaker 2: him because there was no photos. That's when I decided
22:15
Speaker 2: to message Chloe and ask her, and that's how I
22:18
Speaker 2: found out. I said, were you dating a man named Ethan?
22:23
Speaker 2: I was dating him, and I believe he has a
22:25
Speaker 2: wife and multiple partners. I'm just wanting the truth. I'd
22:29
Speaker 2: really appreciate if you could tell me what had happened.
22:33
Speaker 2: She said, Yes, I know Ethan. I was in a
22:36
Speaker 2: relationship with him for a few years. Chloe didn't know
22:40
Speaker 2: about me, but she wasn't surprised to hear that he
22:44
Speaker 2: was cheating with me because he'd done it multiple times.
22:47
Speaker 2: Before she'd moved down from up North down with him,
22:52
Speaker 2: and she found out that he was going between two
22:56
Speaker 2: townhouses between hers and the wife's. Chloe was told that
23:01
Speaker 2: he was married, but they had since been divorced, and
23:04
Speaker 2: because of the whole when you're divorced you have to
23:06
Speaker 2: wait one year, she thought she was dating him during
23:09
Speaker 2: that one year, so she thought they were in the
23:11
Speaker 2: process of getting divorced. And then once she realized the
23:14
Speaker 2: wife had moved from up North down with at the
23:18
Speaker 2: same time as them, that's when she realized maybe maybe
23:22
Speaker 2: they're not divorced. Ethan even nearly bought a house with her,
23:25
Speaker 2: which is kind of crazy because I knew that he
23:27
Speaker 2: probably bought a house with the wife. And then Ethan
23:30
Speaker 2: also said things like, oh, we'll try for a baby
23:33
Speaker 2: and like, So Chloe really did think she was in
23:35
Speaker 2: a proper relationship when your in the process of buying
23:38
Speaker 2: a house and trying for a kid. He was in
23:41
Speaker 2: a marriage and also in a full blown relationship with
23:46
Speaker 2: another woman, and I was the other other woman, just
23:49
Speaker 2: in a side relationship. She knew that he was a
23:52
Speaker 2: bit of a cheaterh but he would say to her
23:55
Speaker 2: things like, oh, I cheat because of things you do,
23:58
Speaker 2: so she he put it back on her. She told
24:00
Speaker 2: me that the wife probably already knows about this, but
24:03
Speaker 2: just won't leave him. She told me, Ethan will go
24:07
Speaker 2: to whoever will give him a home cooked meal, a
24:10
Speaker 2: clean house, sex, pay for a holiday. He would just
24:15
Speaker 2: go wherever he could get his needs met. I just thought, oh,
24:19
Speaker 2: my gosh, she had it way worse than me, And
24:22
Speaker 2: it's sad to say that hearing someone else had it
24:24
Speaker 2: worse made me feel a bit better, but like it
24:27
Speaker 2: also just made me not feel crazy because fears I
24:30
Speaker 2: kept this file on him because I don't want to
24:33
Speaker 2: get sued for defamation or you know, sued for stalking
24:37
Speaker 2: or harassment or anything. That I was wanting to be
24:40
Speaker 2: so careful, and then hearing she had an experience worse
24:43
Speaker 2: than mine, it made me feel so validated that he
24:46
Speaker 2: really was a liar, a really good liar, and not
24:50
Speaker 2: a good person. When you think you're the other women,
24:53
Speaker 2: you think, oh, you know that there's a wife and
24:55
Speaker 2: it's a bad relationship. Like I was dating someone who
24:58
Speaker 2: I truly thought was only dating me, and that's right,
25:01
Speaker 2: and of why I was shocked, because I truly did
25:03
Speaker 2: not know about these people. So Chloe was very forthcoming
25:06
Speaker 2: and answering all the questions, and then she goes, oh,
25:09
Speaker 2: can you do one? And I said yes, and she goes,
25:12
Speaker 2: he has a new partner named Jenna. Can you please
25:15
Speaker 2: warn her? Because I wish more people had warned me.
25:19
Speaker 2: Chloe had warned Jenna, but she didn't want a bar
25:21
Speaker 2: of it. She just didn't believe it. She goes, oh,
25:23
Speaker 2: he has a pass. Everyone has a past. So I
25:26
Speaker 2: think Chloe thought if I warn Jenna, least she has
25:29
Speaker 2: the information so that she can decide what she wants
25:32
Speaker 2: to do. Like she might not listen to me, but
25:34
Speaker 2: at least she was aware. And I kind of understand
25:37
Speaker 2: it because I remember the shop when I first found
25:39
Speaker 2: out that, so I yeah, I wish I knew sooner.
25:43
Speaker 2: So I messaged Jenna to say I dated Ethan, he
25:48
Speaker 2: was a cheeterh and has a wife, and that he'd
25:52
Speaker 2: messaged me recently, you know, when I was at the
25:54
Speaker 2: shops trying to chat to me. I also said I
25:57
Speaker 2: was really sorry to tell her this and that if
26:00
Speaker 2: she had any questions, I'd answer them. She rode back
26:04
Speaker 2: and said, can you please send me the screenshots? I
26:08
Speaker 2: sent screenshots and or replied, and then I did get
26:12
Speaker 2: a message from Ethan saying, I know you contacted Jenna.
26:15
Speaker 2: You should be very careful. You're going to get charged
26:18
Speaker 2: with disturbing the peace. I just decided I have to
26:22
Speaker 2: forget and move on. He has to live with what
26:23
Speaker 2: he's done, but I just have to accept it that
26:26
Speaker 2: it is what it is. I can't be trying to
26:29
Speaker 2: explain this to like different women. You want to help people,
26:33
Speaker 2: but sometimes you really just got to let things go
26:36
Speaker 2: and move on. I didn't really feel guilt. I just
26:39
Speaker 2: felt more jealousy because at least they got to experience
26:42
Speaker 2: a proper relationship and I'm not. And I was in
26:45
Speaker 2: my early twenties and that's what I wanted. And he
26:47
Speaker 2: said to me how he was wanting a serious relationship
26:50
Speaker 2: too at the very beginning, but then was having doubts.
26:53
Speaker 2: And then I felt those doubts were because of me,
26:56
Speaker 2: maybe because of me not being good enough, and it
27:00
Speaker 2: just made me want to work hard to impress him.
27:02
Speaker 2: I did think he was a great guy. Like I
27:04
Speaker 2: don't go telling lies, so I don't assume that when
27:07
Speaker 2: I'm seeing someone that they're going to be lying to me.
27:10
Speaker 2: He asked me out he was the one that wanted
27:12
Speaker 2: to date me. He was actively trying to date me,
27:16
Speaker 2: and it wasn't like a situation where he just found
27:19
Speaker 2: himself accidentally cheating. It was very intentional. So now he's
27:24
Speaker 2: probably in his late thirties and he's a grown man,
27:27
Speaker 2: and he's going to have to just live with this.
27:32
Speaker 2: I feel nothing towards him. I just hope he can
27:36
Speaker 2: stop hurting people. I mean, he would always say things
27:39
Speaker 2: like you don't know what I've been through or how
27:41
Speaker 2: hard my life is, to imply like he's always had
27:44
Speaker 2: a hard life to justify his poor behavior, and I
27:48
Speaker 2: just hope he grows up. It's kind of embarrassing like
27:50
Speaker 2: way to treat people. And I like to think in karma,
27:54
Speaker 2: so like it might he might not have any consequences,
27:56
Speaker 2: but maybe somewhere down the track. He mined, I do
28:00
Speaker 2: look back and wish I didn't spend so much time
28:02
Speaker 2: looking at the wife, the partner on social media, because
28:06
Speaker 2: I look back and I just think time's precious, and
28:08
Speaker 2: I just wish I didn't spend so much time thinking
28:11
Speaker 2: about these people and what characteristics they had that I
28:15
Speaker 2: didn't have, and just comparing myself I've just been focused
28:18
Speaker 2: on trying to build up my confidence, getting into exercise,
28:22
Speaker 2: actually having a career, because before I think I just
28:25
Speaker 2: felt like I wasn't smart, I wasn't funny, which I
28:28
Speaker 2: really felt like these other girls that he was in
28:30
Speaker 2: a proper relationship with work because they were paramedics and nurses,
28:34
Speaker 2: they were smart, they seemed very funny. They just seem
28:37
Speaker 2: like more interesting people, and so I've just been trying
28:40
Speaker 2: to focus on myself. It definitely has challenged me to
28:43
Speaker 2: think more critically about things, like just because someone said
28:46
Speaker 2: that doesn't mean it's true, Like does things add up?
28:48
Speaker 2: Does it make sense? Actually look for red flags, which
28:52
Speaker 2: I was very naive in the beginning.
29:10
Speaker 1: Everyone Has an Ex's a MINTI Media production and proudly
29:13
Speaker 1: part of the Mum and mea Network. This episode is
29:15
Speaker 1: written and narrated by me Georgia Love and produced by
29:19
Speaker 1: Linda Scott. If you have a story you'd like to share,
29:21
Speaker 1: email podcast at momamea dot com dot you. You can
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Speaker 1: app and leaving a five star review. We'll see you
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Speaker 1: for the next episode.