Latest / The Parenting Podcast / Parenting Season #3 - Teens (Pt. 3) | Ep. 12

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Parenting Season #3 - Teens (Pt. 3) | Ep. 12 · The Parenting Podcast

• 0:59
  Cheryl (2): I'm just so excited to process.
• 1:01
  Cheryl: the teen years
• 1:01
  Cheryl (2): With y'all today.
• 1:02
  Cheryl (2): Of course, Ellen is here.
• 1:04
  Cheryl: And Christie And lease, one of the things, when we were talking before that does make the teen years a bit of a challenge is there's so much contradiction and confusion, not just for the kids, but for us as moms.
• 1:20
  Ellen: And I
• 1:20
  Christie: think.
• 1:21
  Christie: I've done some things that I'm, I look back and I think, oh, I'm glad I let them have that freedom.
• 1:26
  Christie: It went well.
• 1:27
  Christie: And other things I'll give an example of a time that I look back and I think I probably should've stepped in there.
• 1:33
  Christie: So our oldest daughter was starting to travel.
• 1:36
  Christie: She had moved away for school and she was starting to travel on her own and book her own flights and make her own travel plans.
• 1:43
  Christie: And she was doing really well.
• 1:44
  Christie: Just a flight from one place to another and back.
• 1:46
  Christie: And, and then she took a longer flight about a thousand miles away.
• 1:50
  Christie: Well, there was some, there were some other, uh, transportation that needed to happen.
• 1:55
  Christie: Well, long story short, she thought she was booking a train ticket and was booking a bus ticket through DC at a bus station at something like two in the morning, I'd have to ask her.
• 2:07
  Christie: And so of course she's like I am in a situation and did not tell us any of that until after the fact.
• 2:13
  Christie: And so looking back, I'm thinking I should, I have probably approved.
• 2:16
  Christie: And at this point she was 19.
• 2:18
  Christie: So a little bit out of that teen years, but still young to be doing all of that.
• 2:22
  Christie: And, and so maybe I overestimated her abilities at that point.
• 2:27
  Deleisse: You know, the truth is you can't know for sure.
• 2:30
  Deleisse: You just have to, it, it kind of goes back to what we talked about being, uh, being a student of them and knowing what they're ready for.
• 2:36
  Deleisse: But even if you have that, I mean, you were a student of her and, and you just can't always get it right.
• 2:42
  Deleisse: And.
• 2:44
  Deleisse: I would encourage everyone to just rest in the fact that you're not going to get it right every time.
• 2:49
  Deleisse: And that's okay.
• 2:50
  Deleisse: And it's just another, another opportunity to learn for them and for you.
• 2:54
  Deleisse: And it's, I think we get so wrapped up in fear that we're going to screw it up.
• 2:58
  Deleisse: And the truth is if you're being intentional about this, you're going to come to a place where you.
• 3:03
  Deleisse: I messed it up.
• 3:04
  Deleisse: You sit down and you talk it through.
• 3:06
  Deleisse: Everybody learns something and you move on and then, you know, hopefully it's better next time.
• 3:10
  Deleisse: Or maybe it's not,
• 3:11
  Christie: I'll tell you in that situation, there was still fruit from it because she felt so confident.
• 3:16
  Christie: And so, you know, just, she just felt like I did this and it was not a bad kind of pride, but just a really great amount of confidence for her.
• 3:24
  Christie: And then moving forward, she was able to really be bold in choices
• 3:28
  Ellen: And I think sometimes we forget with parenting it isn't a pass or fail because we're talking about human beings.
• 3:35
  Ellen: And everything varies.
• 3:36
  Ellen: And especially in the teen years, it varies from day to day.
• 3:40
  Ellen: Sometimes it feels like their maturity varies from day to day.
• 3:44
  Ellen: And so when we put everything as a pass or fail, then it becomes a depressing perspective, going into the teen years,that's just a continuation of the learning years.
• 3:56
  Ellen: We don't get upset when our, when our little ones are first learning to walk and they stumble a lot.
• 4:02
  Ellen: Our teens are going to stumble.
• 4:03
  Ellen: It's just hard because I'm saying the consequences are more powerful when they're in the teen years.
• 4:10
  Cheryl: really like that Ellen.
• 4:11
  Cheryl: And what it made me think of is.
• 4:13
  Cheryl: It's really relationship.
• 4:15
  Cheryl: That's what we talked about last time.
• 4:16
  Cheryl: There's just so much relationship.
• 4:19
  Cheryl: And so for building that relationship, we have to do it a lot from our side.
• 4:24
  Cheryl: I don't know about y'all, but that was the huge difference between the middle ages and the little ones.
• 4:31
  Cheryl: There's just so much pushback when you get to teens, even when you have good kids and the relationship is good, but they're just going to push back a lot because they're trying to establish their ground there.
• 4:44
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 4:45
  Cheryl: And that I'm this person growing up and this is my independence You know, I made so many mistakes because I would say I tended to draw the boundaries a little bit too thick to begin with.
• 4:57
  Cheryl: And, um, I didn't have all the struggles of, of, um, devices and electronic media with the older ones that I did with the younger ones, but still I probably overprotected a little bit too much, but we worked on that and so we maintained the relationship and we' worked on that, but I do have one victory story.
• 5:18
  Cheryl: Jonathan is our youngest and He doesn't have any primary memories of Bill.
• 5:22
  Cheryl: So I have been truly, his only parent all these years actively parenting.
• 5:28
  Cheryl: And so it's complicated because with my daughters, we can do other things.
• 5:35
  Cheryl: It's a female relationship.
• 5:37
  Cheryl (2): It's just really different releasing a son.
• 5:40
  Cheryl (2): For me as a single mom was harder trying to figure out where those boundaries were.
• 5:45
  Cheryl (2): So I think he was maybe 13 and video games were out there and they were beginning to be the war games and all of this.
• 5:54
  Cheryl (2): And he had a good group of friends and they would get together and, uh, they would do airsoft and all that.
• 6:02
  Cheryl (2): And then they would also play video games and these were lower level but Jonathan's mom was concerned about the content of the games and I knew it's enough.
• 6:09
  Cheryl (2): I read it.
• 6:09
  Cheryl (2): I study about this.
• 6:11
  Cheryl (2): I was concerned.
• 6:12
  Cheryl (2): but I did the right thing.
• 6:13
  Cheryl (2): We sat down and we talked about it.
• 6:14
  Cheryl (2): We talked and I said, so any game you want to play?
• 6:18
  Cheryl (2): Why don't you bring it here?
• 6:19
  Cheryl (2): We'll look at it.
• 6:20
  Cheryl (2): And we'll talk about it rather than saying, no, I want to protect you and building those big walls that.
• 6:26
  Cheryl (2): I kind of learned from, so then she brought one and go on and on, we looked at it, we talked about it and he said, well, mom, I wouldn't have seen the violence.
• 6:35
  Cheryl (2): That I see when I'm sitting here looking with you, when I'm playing the game, I wouldn't have seen it.
• 6:39
  Cheryl (2): And I said, that's my concern.
• 6:40
  Cheryl (2): So we just set up some boundaries together and then, and I said, if you need me to help you, whatever I can do, but I think I'm comfortable with these boundaries and then just waited.
• 6:50
  Cheryl (2): And as he matured and then a few years later, I said, okay, I feel like I'm now supposed to let that be your decision because in a few years, you'll be making all your decisions.
• 7:01
  Cheryl (2): And I want you now we've talked about it.
• 7:04
  Cheryl (2): You know, it, you be responsible for playing the games you want to okay.
• 7:09
  Cheryl (2): Let me go.
• 7:09
  Cheryl (2): Thanks man.
• 7:11
  Cheryl (2): All right.
• 7:11
  Cheryl (2): So he didn't say anything at sixteen And so then he came back though a couple of years later and said, that's probably the best parenting thing you ever did, because if you had just said, watch it play him or don't play him.
• 7:24
  Cheryl (2): I would have gone ahead and done what I wanted, not thinking about it.
• 7:27
  Cheryl (2): Or I would have pushed back and would have blamed you.
• 7:31
  Cheryl (2): And he said, when you dumped it in my lap and were talking to me about it, I felt the weight of the responsibility of the content of the videos.
• 7:40
  Cheryl (2): I never would have looked at it like that.
• 7:42
  Cheryl (2): So, You know, that's, it, it's the relationship.
• 7:45
  Cheryl (2): I wish I had done the rest of my teen parenting like that, but that was a victory.
• 7:50
  Cheryl: I'll take the victory lap
• 7:51
  Ellen: and you were in, in that process, you were teaching him how to think and evaluate and make decisions, which is a really important tool that we need to help our teens have as they get ready to enter adulthood.
• 8:04
  Christie: Yeah.
• 8:04
  Christie: I think pointing out what I find myself saying to my girls a lot is, you know, you see, you can do that.
• 8:09
  Christie: Here are your options.
• 8:10
  Christie: You could do it this way or this way.
• 8:12
  Christie: And here are the consequences of both of those actions and helping them make an informed decision.
• 8:18
  Christie: And then the tricky part for me is if they make the decision that finds them in the consequences that are undesirable.
• 8:25
  Christie: To not say I told you so to not call them out and tell them what I think they should have done because I freed them up to make that choice.
• 8:33
  Christie: So now, you know, I can, I can help them from that point forward.
• 8:37
  Christie: See, okay, now that you're in this situation, here are your options and the consequences and, and go from there,
• 8:42
  Ellen: And that builds trust, right?
• 8:43
  Christie: And it helps them feel confident and some dignity and the responsibility.
• 8:48
  Christie: And
• 8:48
  Ellen: that yeah, maybe mom's right.
• 8:50
  Ellen: I don't really have to say anything, but when she does say stuff to me, she's been right before.
• 8:54
  Ellen: So maybe she's right it's not about being right or wrong, but it gives them confidence in what you're saying to them.
• 9:01
  Cheryl: And although they probably won't say it.
• 9:04
  Cheryl: Right.
• 9:05
  Cheryl: Um, and it's interesting because you're talking about the, I told you, so we have to be careful that our faces and our tones, don't say, I told you so all of this, because my kids have told me that they've said, thank you for not doing that, because that kept like what Jonathan was saying, the pressure was on them.
• 9:22
  Cheryl: And actually studies show that if you do nag or come back on them and say, I told you, so why don't you listen to me and lecture psychologically, you become the issue.
• 9:36
  Cheryl: And they can push back to you rather being free to push back on themselves and their choices.
• 9:42
  Cheryl: So psychologists back up what you're saying.
• 9:45
  Christie: That makes sense.
• 9:45
  Christie: That's that's good.
• 9:47
  Ellen: Why no, we had different issues sometimes, which were just maybe irresponsibility things like don't leave.
• 9:56
  Ellen: Your wallet in the car.
• 9:58
  Ellen: When we go to the carwash to have a detail, oh, it'll be fine.
• 10:03
  Ellen: And then of course we find out that when we get back and we've driven off that all the money is stolen out of the wallet.
• 10:10
  Christie: Gosh.
• 10:11
  Ellen: So those are justnatural consequences.
• 10:15
  Ellen: Um, I don't remember exactly how I handled it.
• 10:18
  Ellen: I probably have to go back and ask that child how they felt about how I handled it, but, um, It kind of went without saying that, uh, yeah.
• 10:27
  Ellen: I told you not to leave your wallet in the car.
• 10:30
  Ellen: We had the same thing with different sports equipment that got left out on the front yard and just, just things that are teen things they're forgetful about.
• 10:39
  Ellen: But at sometimes I would make the choice.
• 10:41
  Ellen: I've already told that child not to leave that sports equipment out on the yard and I'm not telling him again.
• 10:47
  Ellen: So then it was gone.
• 10:49
  Deleisse: Yeah, I think it's, um, it's really hard because you've been used to training them and they've been these children and it's been your main responsibility to point out, you know, how to do it.
• 11:03
  Deleisse: And it's hard to make that transition, but if you can just do it in your mind to be like, I mean, I easily could have left my wallet in the car and how do I want to be treated as a person?
• 11:13
  Deleisse: Horrible, because I've lost my money.
• 11:15
  Deleisse: And I feel dumb because I did the thing that I was warned not to do.
• 11:19
  Deleisse: So do they really need anyone to point that out to them?
• 11:21
  Deleisse: They don't, they don't need that at all.
• 11:23
  Deleisse: Right.
• 11:23
  Deleisse: And so I think that's important to, to really start to treat them in a way that we would want to be treated.
• 11:29
  Deleisse: They're just, they're growing up.
• 11:30
  Deleisse: They're, they're coming into adulthood and.
• 11:33
  Deleisse: It's just important for the relationship.
• 11:36
  Deleisse: And also it's not going to be any benefit at all to point it out to them.
• 11:39
  Deleisse: They already know.
• 11:40
  Christie: Yeah.
• 11:41
  Christie: I think a good phrase to replace.
• 11:42
  Christie: I told you, so when I can remember is I'm so sorry that happened.
• 11:47
  Christie: I really am sorry, even though it's happening.
• 11:50
  Christie: You were a dummy or it happened because I was a dummy when it's happening to me, but I am still sorry that you're in the situation.
• 11:57
  Christie: So I'm so sorry that happened to you.
• 11:58
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 11:59
  Cheryl: And what I've seen youre right, Christie, because when I do that, I don't get the pushback.
• 12:04
  Cheryl: And so it is that wise thing to do that and thus that loving them well, it's being engaged with them and getting where we want to be treating them with love and respect.
• 12:16
  Christie: Well, and as peers, because just like Dily said, sometimes I'm the dummy that left the wallet.
• 12:21
  Christie: Yeah.
• 12:21
  Christie: It gives them that respect.
• 12:22
  Cheryl (2): Um, just what you're saying, there's a book and I don't remember the title of it, but it's really good.
• 12:28
  Cheryl (2): I think the woman was Jill Rigbee it's a practical book on teens and she ended up being a single mom of twin boys.
• 12:37
  Cheryl (2): Like when they're in sixth grade.
• 12:39
  Cheryl (2): And just I'd liked what she had to say, but one of the excellent.
• 12:44
  Cheryl (2): Phrases she would use as require don't remind.
• 12:49
  Cheryl (2): And so we can begin that when they're little, but really, I think that's just a real hands-on thing She was just newly single parenting, those boys.
• 12:58
  Cheryl (2): And one of them's go, mom, let's go to soccer practice.
• 13:02
  Cheryl (2): And she said, well, did you do your chores?
• 13:04
  Cheryl (2): He goes, no, no, no, but I'll get it when we get home.
• 13:06
  Cheryl (2): And she said, well, that was the.
• 13:08
  Cheryl (2): That you get all your chores done before we go to soccer practice.
• 13:11
  Cheryl (2): And of course, then the pressure came.
• 13:13
  Cheryl (2): But like what you're saying Deleisse remembering, this is what I want and what you are saying, this is what I want to do.
• 13:20
  Cheryl (2): And you just let the consequences stand, right?
• 13:23
  Cheryl (2): Like it, like, it's a traffic ticket, but they have to pay the traffic ticket.
• 13:27
  Cheryl (2): But in this case we can just let consequences stand and then we'd not reminding them.
• 13:32
  Cheryl (2): So it's not the nagging.
• 13:34
  Cheryl (2): And hopefully the consequences will become a really good teacher
• 13:38
  Ellen: and then they see the consistency in us about the consequences that we're stepping back.
• 13:44
  Ellen: Well, we already made this deal.
• 13:45
  Ellen: Remember?
• 13:46
  Ellen: This was part of you doing soccer, practice, driving the car, whatever it is, taking care of your equipment.
• 13:52
  Ellen: And.
• 13:52
  Ellen: I don't have anything more to say on the subject, we already talked about it.
• 13:55
  Christie: And not stepping in and rescuing them, gives them the opportunity to feel that feeling of devastation.
• 14:02
  Christie: I mean, we all know that feeling of a lost opportunity where I overslept and I've missed the meeting or whatever the situation was and that feeling of devastation.
• 14:10
  Christie: If they don't have it now, And learn from those consequences.
• 14:13
  Christie: Then when they're 24, it's a whole new feeling because moms not rescuing me
• 14:17
  Ellen: and it's a whole bigger consequence may get fired from a job or kicked out of a class or ruin a relationship.
• 14:25
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 14:25
  Cheryl: And I know the three of you, and I know that you are loving kind parents.
• 14:30
  Cheryl: When we're approaching this subject, we're talking about as a subject to let consequences, don't bail them out and let the consequences teach.
• 14:39
  Cheryl: But I know you also understand, I guess maybe like we still have to be a safety net.
• 14:45
  Cheryl: and so talking to that, how do we balance what we can't do when they're 26?
• 14:51
  Cheryl: And we have to let the consequences fall?
• 14:53
  Cheryl: How do we balance that?
• 14:55
  Cheryl: Um, where do we draw the lines?
• 14:57
  Cheryl: When do we come in with the gentleness underneath it to help them, uh, when they're making bad choices?
• 15:03
  Deleisse: Well, I think that kind of goes back to what we've talked about a thousand times today, and probably last time about just knowing your kid, it's going to be different with each kid.
• 15:12
  Deleisse: So being a safety net for them can mean different things for different kids.
• 15:15
  Deleisse: But, um, I, I love the idea that we can be there and help them learn.
• 15:23
  Deleisse: That's just, that's what we're doing.
• 15:25
  Deleisse: We're helping them learn how to be adults.
• 15:27
  Deleisse: So we need to look at this as a time of just the benefits and not be stressed about the mistakes they're making, but be excited about what we can teach them through their mistakes, because this is just a time for them to be making mistakes.
• 15:41
  Deleisse: Um, I have one child who is.
• 15:47
  Deleisse: Uh, an entrepreneur.
• 15:48
  Deleisse: And so he has tried a thousand different businesses and a lot of them have failed and some have succeeded as well, but it's a safe place for him to try these businesses.
• 15:58
  Deleisse: And there was a time when David and I would be like really involved if he thought if he, how he was going to do something.
• 16:06
  Deleisse: And then we realized there that's ridiculous.
• 16:08
  Deleisse: We have to stop doing that.
• 16:09
  Deleisse: And so we let him make all the decisions about his businesses and sometimes he would lose a lot of money and.
• 16:15
  Deleisse: Um, that feels really stressful, but he's not paying rent.
• 16:19
  Deleisse: He's not keeping the lights on, you know, so it's, it's a very safe place for him to do that.
• 16:23
  Deleisse: And he was able to learn a lot through that.
• 16:26
  Deleisse: And, um, you know, as, as we're there to help him learn and he's not having any real consequences, loss of money.
• 16:34
  Deleisse: Sure.
• 16:34
  Deleisse: But when you're a teenager, loss of money is not the end of the world.
• 16:37
  Deleisse: When you, you don't have bills to pay.
• 16:39
  Deleisse: I think
• 16:39
  Ellen: also, um, a factor that I really had a problem with, and I think for me, sometimes it was hard to be a safety net because I got my own emotions too involved in what was going on.
• 16:52
  Ellen: Yes.
• 16:52
  Ellen: And I saw.
• 16:54
  Ellen: Something one of my teens might be doing as my personal moral failure in parenting.
• 17:01
  Ellen: Absolutely.
• 17:02
  Ellen: I realize now that wasn't truth, but at the time it felt like truth.
• 17:07
  Ellen: So I was taking on all the guilt and the shame if they did something that I didn't feel was right now, we lived in a community where everybody watched you like a hawk.
• 17:19
  Ellen: We were in the military, we lived on a military base most of the time.
• 17:24
  Ellen: And all the neighbors were either my husbands bosses, or they worked for my husband.
• 17:29
  Ellen: And everybody's watching you all the time.
• 17:31
  Ellen: What are your kids doing?
• 17:33
  Ellen: Everybody knew whose kids were the rotten kids in the neighborhood and every broken arm, everybody knew how it got broken and all those kinds of things.
• 17:42
  Ellen: So that added to my pressure to feel like I needed to perform.
• 17:46
  Ellen: And therefore my children should be performing and they were expected to go to functions and stand quietly and stand for an hour or two.
• 17:56
  Ellen: And those are.
• 17:58
  Ellen: Those were the expectations that they had,
• 18:01
  Christie: you know, that makes me think of, and I know we've talked about it in the younger seasons about responding wisely instead of reacting emotionally.
• 18:10
  Christie: And so many times my tendency to step in and fix the problem.
• 18:15
  Christie: It's just what you're saying, Ellen, about.
• 18:16
  Christie: The reflection on me and my success as a parent, rather than like you were saying, to least like helping them learn and launching them towards adulthood.
• 18:26
  Christie: But I have to be very careful to not be that emotional reactor and instead responding and in the wisest way for that child instead of, yeah.
• 18:37
  Christie: How does this make me feel as a parent?
• 18:40
  Deleisse: Separating those two things really is a game changer because.
• 18:45
  Deleisse: It's just so hard.
• 18:46
  Deleisse: And I think don't, you think it got easier as, as you went?
• 18:49
  Deleisse: I mean,
• 18:50
  Christie: you're humbled.
• 18:52
  Christie: You're like, well, that's what it is.
• 18:54
  Deleisse: I mean, I don't know why for sure that it got easier, but it just did that.
• 18:59
  Deleisse: You don't, you don't feel that pressure or that you don't take that on that it's that it's your failure.
• 19:04
  Deleisse: Um, even though sometimes I'm sure I contributed greatly to that, but, um, I think that, that, that is so important just to separate those two things.
• 19:13
  Deleisse: Am I, am I worried about how I look or am I worried about what they're learning?
• 19:17
  Christie: Right.
• 19:17
  Christie: Which really requires us taking the time to slow down and process and think about the situation
• 19:23
  Deleisse: that's true, which goes back to not reacting right.
• 19:26
  Ellen: And it's not Pass or fail.
• 19:28
  Ellen: Because that's how we feel.
• 19:30
  Ellen: I think sometimes this was pass or fail and everybody just saw my fail.
• 19:36
  Christie: And I think Deleisse what you were saying about it does get easier when you're seeing the fruit.
• 19:40
  Christie: Like you were saying with Cole, you're seeing the fruit of him having that experience and why it's important that you do this.
• 19:47
  Christie: so it's easier to give up that control or that stepping in because you're like, okay, this is worth it.
• 19:52
  Christie: It pays off for them in the end.
• 19:54
  Ellen: Well, I think we fall called it trust.
• 19:56
  Ellen: You're building trust with your teen.
• 19:58
  Ellen: You can go do this thing.
• 20:00
  Ellen: I'm trusting you to do this and you feel good when they came home and everything was fine.
• 20:06
  Ellen: And they went where they were supposed to and did what they were supposed to do.
• 20:09
  Ellen: But when they break trust, then you have to rebuild it again.
• 20:14
  Cheryl (2): And I'm not punishing you, but as Ellen said you've broken trust and broken trust has to be rebuilt.
• 20:20
  Cheryl (2): I can forgive you.
• 20:22
  Cheryl (2): Uh, one of the things that helped me was in an analyzing, do I allow this, do I do this?
• 20:28
  Cheryl (2): Do I let them fail?
• 20:30
  Cheryl (2): Uh, thought process that had helped me, like what you're talking about, Deleisse,do we jump in or do we not, is thinking about what would be the consequences and am I going to allow them the full brunt of those consequences?
• 20:45
  Cheryl (2): Um, whatever it might be, you know?
• 20:47
  Cheryl (2): Uh, someone that a 14 year old and she has a real heart for people that are marginalized and in need.
• 20:55
  Cheryl (2): And she wants to start staying until 11 o'clock at night at an inner city pantry or something.
• 21:03
  Cheryl (2): I would process that.
• 21:04
  Cheryl (2): What would be the consequences?
• 21:07
  Cheryl (2): Am I going to allow her at that age to take the full brundt.
• 21:11
  Cheryl (2): I probably wouldn't, but you start talking about a 17, 18 year old who's feels like they're kind of called into this.
• 21:18
  Cheryl (2): I might be more open to that.
• 21:20
  Christie: That's a really good thought.
• 21:21
  Christie: I hadn't thought of that.
• 21:23
  Christie: You, if you process those consequences all the way out, you might be willing to let the 14 year old go to step one or two of those consequences.
• 21:31
  Christie: So you kind of can gauge where you want to step in and, and say, okay, this is too much.
• 21:35
  Christie: We're going to stop here.
• 21:36
  Ellen: And that also goes to knowing your child because you know what.
• 21:40
  Ellen: Maybe certain 14 year olds may be, could have handled that maybe not, but that's not really the issue.
• 21:46
  Ellen: The idea is can my ch is my child ready for the consequences?
• 21:50
  Ellen: Is my child mature enough to handle these situations?
• 21:53
  Ellen: Cause that's always the balance is we're not always sure as far, child's quite ready to do that yet, but you gotta, you gotta give him, give him the chance,
• 22:03
  Christie: I have an example of a time that we had to gauge those consequences and allow some of them and offer a safety net for the rest.
• 22:11
  Christie: I had a child who did not complete an assignment and the morning that it came due, did not want to go to class and was very emotional about going.
• 22:21
  Christie: And, um, you know, I don't feel good all these excuses and finally was able to get down to.
• 22:26
  Christie: Okay, you did not complete the assignment.
• 22:28
  Christie: Did you?
• 22:29
  Christie: And she was able, I can say she, cause it was all of my, all my children are girls, but she was, she confessed me no, I did not do the assignment.
• 22:37
  Christie: So I'm left there with a very, very emotional child, um, who to put her in that situation felt just horrific, you know, to face her teacher face her class without, without the, um, assignment.
• 22:51
  Christie: So in that moment, I could tell she was just beside herself.
• 22:55
  Christie: So I chose to let her miss the class, but I made her email, her confession to the teacher.
• 23:01
  Christie: So in that situation, that felt like a really good balance of that was still very uncomfortable for her to email a confession, but it, it spared her, some of the humiliation.
• 23:13
  Christie: Now some of my other children, I may not have handled it the same way.
• 23:15
  Ellen: No, that's good.
• 23:16
  Ellen: You had to weigh each child and what they needed, because another child you might've had to just say, no, you're going to school.
• 23:23
  Christie: Right.
• 23:24
  Christie: Right.
• 23:24
  Ellen: And I think that's a really hard one.
• 23:26
  Ellen: Cause everyone's learning.
• 23:27
  Ellen: I'm saying that to all of us.
• 23:29
  Ellen: That's, that's really hard to have like, just set things because we're all learning, especially with our first child, our first teen, how this all works.
• 23:38
  Ellen: It's just new wilderness
• 23:41
  Deleisse: Because this is something that is important to me.
• 23:43
  Deleisse: Um, what you're saying about having your.
• 23:47
  Deleisse: Email the teacher.
• 23:48
  Deleisse: I just think that we need to recognize as they're growing older, they're capable of doing this kind of thing, and that's really going to benefit them.
• 23:55
  Deleisse: They should be handling when they make a mistake like that, they should be handling it.
• 23:59
  Deleisse: You should never be, you should never be contacting your teacher for your kid.
• 24:02
  Deleisse: Right?
• 24:03
  Deleisse: If they're, if they're that age, you should not be contacting your kid's coach.
• 24:07
  Deleisse: Right.
• 24:07
  Deleisse: If there's a problem.
• 24:08
  Deleisse: And that's, that seems to be something that we see a lot of as parents getting involved with coaches, teachers.
• 24:14
  Deleisse: All that to, to tell what's going on and, and ask questions.
• 24:18
  Deleisse: That should be the kids' responsibility.
• 24:19
  Deleisse: They're going to have to do that eventually anyway.
• 24:21
  Deleisse: And it's just a great time for them to learn how to do it.
• 24:24
  Deleisse: You know, from, from talking to coaches and teachers to calling the tag agency or whatever, it's just a good time for them to learn under your wing and to have them do that instead of just doing it for them.
• 24:37
  Ellen: Wow.
• 24:37
  Ellen: That's really powerful and good.
• 24:39
  Christie: I feel like that's becoming more and more of an issue from my older kids to my younger kids.
• 24:44
  Christie: I don't know if it's generational cultural, what the situation is, but just that making a phone call to make your own doctor's appointment.
• 24:51
  Deleisse: And sometimes it's just easier to do it ourselves.
• 24:54
  Deleisse: We want to schedule it.
• 24:55
  Deleisse: We want to know, but it's just so much better if they can do it because they're going to have to do it.
• 24:59
  Deleisse: And, and what better time to learn?
• 25:01
  Christie: Yeah.
• 25:01
  Christie: I had one that wanted a haircut and of course she wanted me to pay.
• 25:04
  Christie: She wanted me to make the phone call and I said, no, you can, I will pay for it, but you have to make the appointment yourself.
• 25:11
  Christie: And that was just horrifying to her, but pushing her out, I think you're right.
• 25:14
  Christie: It's,
• 25:15
  Deleisse: That's just part of becoming an adult.
• 25:16
  Deleisse: I have one of my children, I used to make a call are to go orders in because um, this child was more shy and didn't like, What did someone to do everything for which I'm the same.
• 25:29
  Deleisse: I'd rather David do the, all the calling.
• 25:31
  Deleisse: And I mean, I have him do returns for me.
• 25:34
  Deleisse: I don't like doing it.
• 25:34
  Deleisse: Right, right.
• 25:35
  Deleisse: I didn't do that because I'm an adult and I got a husband that right.
• 25:39
  Deleisse: That's what I tell my kids get to spouse.
• 25:40
  Deleisse: It'll do it.
• 25:41
  Deleisse: Yeah, we would, um, so yeah, we would have them call in our to go order and it was very uncomfortable for them and then eventually it wasn't.
• 25:51
  Deleisse: And now, now this particular child owns a business and has, you know, very wonderful communication skills.
• 25:57
  Deleisse: And so it's just, it's a way of growing that's harmless to them and takes maybe a little more time on our part, but it it's always a benefit for them.
• 26:05
  Christie: I think.
• 26:06
  Christie: That's a really good point, finding safe ways to implement the same skill.
• 26:11
  Christie: You know, you weren't making them present something to thousands of people.
• 26:16
  Christie: You were giving them a safe environment to practice that skill.
• 26:20
  Cheryl: And I think incremental.
• 26:22
  Cheryl: It's a good word.
• 26:23
  Cheryl: That's why we start in a different place when they're 12 or 13 and then incrementally go up.
• 26:29
  Cheryl: There's a really good graph of how it should go.
• 26:33
  Cheryl: That When they're born, we have a hundred percent authority because they can't choose how they're born or where they're born, or even whether it's going to be side back or stomach when you put them down.
• 26:43
  Cheryl: All of that.
• 26:44
  Cheryl: So we have full authority and they start exercising their independence right away.
• 26:48
  Cheryl (2): But that authority begins to wane throughout childhood.
• 26:52
  Cheryl (2): Uh, contrast, we have no influence when they're born, we just have full authority.
• 26:57
  Cheryl (2): And so those should be going in opposite directions.
• 27:00
  Cheryl (2): And that's what makes this sort of the red zone is because our authority should be waning so that our influence has a chance to be increasing, but it gets really mixed up but that's what we want to do to keep that big picture that I need my authority to be moving out of their life.
• 27:19
  Cheryl (2): And they start taking authority and responsibility for themselves and their decisions we are talking about a complicated but amazing and exciting season of parenting army teams, And unfortunately we're out of time again, ladies.
• 27:35
  Cheryl (2): You're fantastic.
• 27:36
  Cheryl (2): Thank you.
• 27:37
  Cheryl (2): And both of you y'all be coming back, right?
• 27:41
  Cheryl (2): Sure.
• 27:41
  Cheryl (2): Of course.
• 27:42
  Cheryl (2): Okay, good.
• 27:42
  Cheryl (2): Thank you so much.
• 27:43
  Cheryl (2): It was great moms.
• 27:45
  Cheryl (2): Remember, hang in there.
• 27:46
  Cheryl (2): Keep loving.
• 27:47
  Cheryl (2): Keep persevering because it's worth it.
• 27:50
  Ellen: Yes, it is