Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / Big Emotions Parent's Aren't Cool

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Big Emotions Parent's Aren't Cool · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

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  Speaker 1: Hello and welcome to the Happy Families podcast. Every Tuesday
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  Speaker 1: on the pod we answer your tricky questions and today
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  Speaker 1: we've got one about a child who's anxious doesn't like
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  Speaker 1: a parent's being around because parents aren't cool. There's parenting
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  Speaker 1: on the same page. There's a little bit of everything
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  Speaker 1: in today's tricky question and we can't wait to answer
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  Speaker 1: that question next. Stay with us. Hello, welcome to the
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  Speaker 1: Happy Families podcast, where you get real parenting solutions every
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  Speaker 1: single day. This is Australia's most downloaded parenting podcast. We
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  Speaker 1: are Justin and Kylie Colson. We're excited to answer another
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  Speaker 1: listener question today. If you have a tricky question, just
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  Speaker 1: jump online to Happy Families dot com dot A. You
• 0:41
  Speaker 1: go to our super simple system where you press the
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  Speaker 1: record button and start talking. Let us know what's on
• 0:46
  Speaker 1: your mind and we will do our very best to
• 0:47
  Speaker 1: answer questions about family relationships, wellbeing, screens, discipline, pocket money, bedtime,
• 0:54
  Speaker 1: fussy eating. It's a long list and anything that we
• 0:57
  Speaker 1: haven't thought of. You can check it at us as well. Also,
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  Speaker 1: if you don't want to use the website, send us
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  Speaker 1: a voice note to podcasts at happy families dot com
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  Speaker 1: dot AU. Here is today's tricky question from Loretta Hi.
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  Speaker 2: I was wondering if you could speak about the difference
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  Speaker 2: between big emotions, particularly around anxiety, poor behavior, particularly around
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  Speaker 2: defiance and disobedience, and developing autonomy in an environment where
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  Speaker 2: the ten year old is becoming much more socially aware
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  Speaker 2: and parents are no longer cool, and how each of
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  Speaker 2: those are managed. For example, with the big emotions, our
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  Speaker 2: daughter will often be quite anxious about how she looks
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  Speaker 2: her hair or what she's wearing, and as a consequence,
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  Speaker 2: she might be ready, almost ready to walk out the
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  Speaker 2: door and then just can't go. So the developing autonomy
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  Speaker 2: and social awareness is more around events such as sporting
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  Speaker 2: events or school assemblies, where I have always asked her
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  Speaker 2: whether she wants me to come, and if I do come,
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  Speaker 2: how does she want that to go? Does she want
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  Speaker 2: me to step the back and pretend I'm not there?
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  Speaker 2: Or can I sit in the front row and can
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  Speaker 2: I wave to her? Can I go and say hi
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  Speaker 2: and give her hud? How does she want to play
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  Speaker 2: that out? My husband doesn't do that so much, and
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  Speaker 2: usually when he goes to things here, will just go
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  Speaker 2: up to her and he'll want a photo and things,
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  Speaker 2: and she will just think that's cringe worthy. But when
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  Speaker 2: she doesn't want him to come there, he will want
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  Speaker 2: to discipline her and give a consequence.
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  Speaker 1: Okay, Kylie, So as soon as I hear this conversation,
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  Speaker 1: the first thing that I want to highlight is somebody
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  Speaker 1: feeling a bit anxious about things, Like the way that
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  Speaker 1: they look doesn't mean that they have anxiety. And it's
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  Speaker 1: really important that we don't over stigmatize or go too
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  Speaker 1: far with labels. Here, we've got a ten year old
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  Speaker 1: girl who is starting to become socially aware and wants
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  Speaker 1: to make sure that she's getting the stuff right that
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  Speaker 1: matters to her. And as she starts to get a
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  Speaker 1: little bit antsy about it, starts to feel a little
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  Speaker 1: bit anxious about it, she stops thinking straight, which means
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  Speaker 1: that she responds with defiance. And then there's this question
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  Speaker 1: of well, how much autonomy do we give our child.
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  Speaker 1: A lot of parents think that autonomy is freedom. It's
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  Speaker 1: not the same thing. Freedom is carte blanche, do what
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  Speaker 1: you want. Autonomy is let's work out what matters most
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  Speaker 1: here so that you can make choiceful decisions and act
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  Speaker 1: in a way that you can identify as valuable and
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  Speaker 1: right for the situation. That's a lot that I've just
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  Speaker 1: said there, But really what I'm getting out of much
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  Speaker 1: of this conversation is this is a discussion about emotion
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  Speaker 1: regulation for a ten year old, which is starting to
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  Speaker 1: get a lot better than it has been, but there's
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  Speaker 1: still some growth there for ten year olds that's developmentally normal.
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  Speaker 1: I think also working out a problem solving solution with
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  Speaker 1: your daughter when things are challenging, whether it's at school
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  Speaker 1: or whether it's the other stuff that was discussed, or
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  Speaker 1: Loretta being on the same page as a husband. So
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  Speaker 1: for me, they're the central themes that came out of
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  Speaker 1: that question.
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  Speaker 3: Let's start with same page parenting, because I think that
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  Speaker 3: unless we can actually get this part right, the other
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  Speaker 3: part's really tricky to navigate.
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  Speaker 1: When parents are aligned, it gives it's just better leadership,
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  Speaker 1: like the kids say, oh, Okay, this is the way
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  Speaker 1: I'm supposed to be going. You and I had an
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  Speaker 1: incident just recently where I made a call. You didn't
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  Speaker 1: necessarily agree with me, but you also knew that if
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  Speaker 1: we weren't aligned that it wasn't going to work out well,
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  Speaker 1: and therefore you got behind me. You backed me and
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  Speaker 1: that made a difference. So getting on the same page
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  Speaker 1: is going to be essential here, and when I.
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  Speaker 3: Listen to what's going on, neither parent is nailing this
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  Speaker 3: right now. I think that there is some middle ground
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  Speaker 3: that could be found if both parties were willing to
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  Speaker 3: explore what that might look like.
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  Speaker 1: Parenting just tests you so much.
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  Speaker 3: It tests you, stretches you.
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  Speaker 1: Constantly, all right, So when it comes to getting on
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  Speaker 1: the same page as your partner. We've got a formula
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  Speaker 1: that we've talked about a lot on the podcast. Will
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  Speaker 1: keep it brief, but it's tried and true and lots
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  Speaker 1: of families have worked with it and found that it's
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  Speaker 1: made a massive difference. It's where you sit down as
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  Speaker 1: a couple and say what's working and what isn't and
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  Speaker 1: what should we work on together. There's no finger pointing
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  Speaker 1: when you say what's not working. It's not like, well,
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  Speaker 1: you keep on losing your patience and blah blah blah.
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  Speaker 1: What you say instead is well, when these big emotions
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  Speaker 1: come out of our daughter, it's hard for both of
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  Speaker 1: us to really regulate ourselves well. And that seems to
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  Speaker 1: be creating even bigger challenges. So what's the way forward?
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  Speaker 1: How can we step into that with more intention together?
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  Speaker 1: How can we support each other to be more intentional
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  Speaker 1: around our daughter's emotional dysregulation. That's a much more productive
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  Speaker 1: conversation than me saying, well, Kylie, what's working is I'm awesome,
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  Speaker 1: and what's not working is you're getting it wrong and
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  Speaker 1: what needs fixing it you. That's unproductive, right, Nobody likes
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  Speaker 1: those kinds of conversations.
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  Speaker 3: But the reality is, while ever there's instability in the
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  Speaker 3: way we come together, we actually in part create some
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  Speaker 3: of the anxiety our child feels because they're experiencing the
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  Speaker 3: world through two different.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, people, like I said, it's about parental leadership. Can
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  Speaker 1: we be aligned? Can we work on this together? Weekly
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  Speaker 1: discussions times, even more frequently, go for a walk once
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  Speaker 1: the kids are in bed, walk the dog if you've
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  Speaker 1: got one, and just say, hey, can we do a
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  Speaker 1: quick check in how did you think today when here's
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  Speaker 1: what I'm seeing? What do you think? Am I right?
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  Speaker 1: Or am I wrong? Having that relational humility where you say,
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  Speaker 1: my perception's this, but I might be getting this wrong.
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  Speaker 1: So I've often said to you when you did that,
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  Speaker 1: it made me feel like this is what was going on?
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  Speaker 1: For you, Am I getting that right? Or am I
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  Speaker 1: completely misreading this? And you're always much nicer to me
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  Speaker 1: when I do that then when I say I hate
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  Speaker 1: it when you bluh, because there's that humility as in,
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  Speaker 1: I'm recognizing that my perception feels right for me, but
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  Speaker 1: it might not be right. So getting alignment together to
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  Speaker 1: me is the number one thing.
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  Speaker 3: And if we can understand the underlying generally speaking, when
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  Speaker 3: as parents we're not getting it right, it's usually an
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  Speaker 3: underlying fear. If we can get to the bottom of
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  Speaker 3: the underlying fear that is creating the action or the
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  Speaker 3: interaction that we're having in our relationships, that makes it
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  Speaker 3: easier for us to recognize and see where things are
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  Speaker 3: going wrong.
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  Speaker 1: And talking about it's kind of the best way to
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  Speaker 1: get there.
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  Speaker 3: You need a sounding board.
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  Speaker 1: It's a problem solving conversation.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, it's not an accusation of conversation. It's a there's
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  Speaker 1: a problem to solve here, and we're going to do
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  Speaker 1: it better if we work.
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  Speaker 3: Because there's friction on both sides. There's friction when mum goes,
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  Speaker 3: but there's also friction when dad goes. It's just different.
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  Speaker 1: Oh, with the school assembly, yeah, yeah, yeah, all right,
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  Speaker 1: Well after the break, let's talk about this new focus
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  Speaker 1: on not having my parents watching me or interacting with me.
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  Speaker 1: Dad's not willing to follow the rules, mums having the conversations,
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  Speaker 1: but it's still feeling awkward. That's next on the pod.
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  Speaker 1: We're back. This is The Happy Family's podcast. Kylie. Here's
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  Speaker 1: my take on this challenge of a little girl who
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  Speaker 1: doesn't want too much interaction with her parents at school.
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  Speaker 1: First off, I just want to congratulate Leretta in her hobby.
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  Speaker 1: They're actually doing it, showing up, they're going there. It's
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  Speaker 1: been years since I've been to a school assembly. I
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  Speaker 1: just can't bring myself to do it anymore. It's torture.
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  Speaker 3: So we obviously don't have children at school anymore.
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  Speaker 1: Grade eleven, so it doesn't happen.
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  Speaker 3: We're not dealing with the same things. But the last
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  Speaker 3: few years before we pulled them out, I was noticing
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  Speaker 3: it more and more. We were one of the only
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  Speaker 3: parents showing up the two events. And therefore it's actually
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  Speaker 3: a rare thing for a parent to show up. And
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  Speaker 3: so when your child is the child whose parent is
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  Speaker 3: showing up, that's what they see as cringeworthy.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, maybe I think a lot of individual differences here.
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  Speaker 1: Some kids are slow to see their parents and to
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  Speaker 1: show off and say, hey, look what happened on Assembly today,
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  Speaker 1: and others less so, and there is developmental aspect to it, Kylie.
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  Speaker 1: I want to go back to my definition of masculinity,
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  Speaker 1: the thing that I've been talking about so much, and
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  Speaker 1: we're going to hear a lot more of it over
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  Speaker 1: the next six weeks as we get ready for my
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  Speaker 1: book to come out. Definition of masculinity. Healthy masculinity is
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  Speaker 1: that people around you feel safer and stronger. So, as
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  Speaker 1: I listened to Loretta's voice, note what I'm hearing is
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  Speaker 1: a dad who's really proud of his little girl and
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  Speaker 1: he wants to be a part of the celebration of
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  Speaker 1: the goodness that she's bringing into the world. She's doing
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  Speaker 1: things well. He's showing up to Assembly so I can say,
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  Speaker 1: I'm your biggest fan, I love you so much, and
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  Speaker 1: I want to get a photo of this moment. I
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  Speaker 1: want to celebrate it with you. And I don't actually
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  Speaker 1: have a problem with that. What I challenged by, and
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  Speaker 1: clearly lit Loaretta and her daughter a challenged by it
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  Speaker 1: as well, is there's a stomping over his daughter's preferences here,
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  Speaker 1: and in some ways it's very very small. Yeah, it's
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  Speaker 1: a tiny little thing, and one day she might look
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  Speaker 1: back and say, I'm so glad Dad was there and
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  Speaker 1: we got the photos. So I'm open to that interpretation.
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  Speaker 1: But I'm also mindful that we're constantly talking to our
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  Speaker 1: kids about how their voice matters and how they need
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  Speaker 1: to be able to say no and be listened to.
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  Speaker 1: This is the whole consent conversation, starting young and then
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  Speaker 1: branching out into other areas as they get older. And
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  Speaker 1: I'm mindful also of the fact that if this is
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  Speaker 1: a girl who is worried about her appearing and has
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  Speaker 1: some anxious tendencies. Again, I don't think there's any anxiety here,
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  Speaker 1: but just doesn't feel comfortable with it, then parents have
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  Speaker 1: got to be able to work with that in effective
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  Speaker 1: and productive ways.
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  Speaker 3: It's always hard when we get a voice memo. We
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  Speaker 3: don't have all the details, but based on what Loretta
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  Speaker 3: has shared, the one thing that kind of concerns me
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  Speaker 3: is that when we try to problem solve with our
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  Speaker 3: children and we give them possible solutions, at times we
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  Speaker 3: actually inadvertently plant the seed of what's possible. So if
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  Speaker 3: my child's anxious and they really don't want me coming along,
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  Speaker 3: by me saying well, I'm coming, but I could do
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  Speaker 3: it this way, this way, this way, or this way,
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  Speaker 3: what would you prefer? Means that all of a sudden,
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  Speaker 3: she now has three or four options that she may
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  Speaker 3: not have thought of on her own, and they could
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  Speaker 3: possibly be a hundred times further down the road than
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  Speaker 3: what she actually was thinking. So I love the three
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  Speaker 3: e's because it gives us an opportunity to collaborate with
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  Speaker 3: our children instead of actually giving them the solutions.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, and when you give solutions, your kids don't endorse them,
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  Speaker 1: they don't internalize them. There's no integration, there's no identifying
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  Speaker 1: the value in this solution. So therefore that I don't
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  Speaker 1: buy into it, they just get upset about it. So
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  Speaker 1: the three e's overcomes that because it's a collaborative problem
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  Speaker 1: solving process where the kids actually have a.
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  Speaker 3: Voice and we get to explore with them. So from
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  Speaker 3: my perspective as a mum, I want to be there.
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  Speaker 3: I want to celebrate, I want to see you. I
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  Speaker 3: want to I want you to know that we're here
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  Speaker 3: to support you. How do you feel about that. Let
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  Speaker 3: your children talk about that and then explain why it's important. Yeah,
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  Speaker 3: Or get them to explain why it's important the way
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  Speaker 3: they feel.
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  Speaker 1: Something as simple as you don't like it, help us
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  Speaker 1: to understand why. So it really explore their perspective. What
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  Speaker 1: is it that us waving to you or being excited
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  Speaker 1: for you? What is it that that does to you?
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  Speaker 1: What other ways could we show our excitement and support
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  Speaker 1: for you in ways that you feel good about them?
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  Speaker 1: Move into that problem solving discussion.
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  Speaker 3: And then we empower them by coming up with a
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  Speaker 3: solution together.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, ideally one that they endorse.
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  Speaker 3: We had this experience with our eldest. She was quite
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  Speaker 3: a good swimmer when she was younger, and we attended
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  Speaker 3: a lot of regional and state events with her, and
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  Speaker 3: she didn't want me shouting out and screaming her name
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  Speaker 3: from the bleachers, and so we had a chat about it,
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  Speaker 3: and we talked about what would be good she needed
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  Speaker 3: to see me. It calmed her. She knew that I
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  Speaker 3: was there for her, but she just wanted it to
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  Speaker 3: be not obvious. So we just came up with a
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  Speaker 3: little coat and for us, it was literally she would
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  Speaker 3: look over to me and I would grab my ear
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  Speaker 3: lobe and give it a little bit of a wiggle.
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  Speaker 1: Which is what my quiet teacher used to do in
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  Speaker 1: primary school, say sing louder.
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  Speaker 3: Well for us, it meant I love you. You got
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  Speaker 3: this and it was perfect, and so we got plenty
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  Speaker 3: of photos of her standing on a podium wiggling her
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  Speaker 3: ear because she would do it back. It's important for
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  Speaker 3: us to respect their desire for autonomy. But I think
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  Speaker 3: it's also important that we don't let our children dictate
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  Speaker 3: how we show up as parents as we take a
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  Speaker 3: backseat in their lives. I think that it's detrimental.
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  Speaker 1: Okay, Loretta, We really hope that this has been a
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  Speaker 1: useful response to your question. Hopefully we've got the context
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  Speaker 1: right and what we've shared is going to make an
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  Speaker 1: impact in your family. Thank you so much for the question.
• 13:29
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• 13:31
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• 13:34
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• 13:36
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  Speaker 2: M hmm