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140 // What I Wish People Understood About Having ADHD · ADHD with Confidence | Overcome Anxiety & Self-Doubt, Christian ADHD Coach, ADHD in Women

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  There are times where I feel understood, but a lot of the time having ADHD means
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  that there are certain things about who you are and how you respond to things
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  that people just don't understand.
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  So today's episode, I'm going to talk about what I wish people understood about having ADHD.
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  Know in your heart that you do belong. You are enough and you are made on purpose and with a purpose.
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  Hey, I'm Kelsey Spronk, fellow ADHD mom and entrepreneur.
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  Join me in building confidence so you can experience success with ADHD in all areas.
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  Hey friends, welcome to the ADHD with Confidence podcast. I'm your host,
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  Kelsey, and today I'm going to talk about what I wish people understood about having ADHD.
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  Now, this is not an exhaustive list. I'm sure you will have things that you
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  feel differently about, things that you would add to this. I would also love to hear from you.
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  And speaking of which, if you have tried to email me recently and you have not
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  received a response, I'm so sorry.
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  It is because I have not received your email.
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  So if you have emailed me and you haven't gotten a response,
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  please try again or contact me via the website as I have had a little bit of
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  a glitch with my website connecting to my email. Anyways, into today's episode.
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  There are a few things that I'm going to share today, and I'm sure some of them
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  will resonate. Maybe you have some other ones that you would add.
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  But I feel like having ADHD, one of the frustrating parts about it,
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  is just feeling misunderstood by people.
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  And I feel like it can be about a lot of different things.
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  So the first thing I would say is, I wish people understood what the cost is of forgetting.
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  So how often I will, you know, forget what I was just about to do,
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  forget where I put something, forget to, you know, add something to the calendar,
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  forget to follow through on something.
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  The cost of forgetting. And it's not just about...
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  The time maybe that's spent in searching for that thing or trying to make up
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  for that, but it's those feelings of shame and guilt that we often carry with
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  that forgetting and, you know,
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  internalizing, feeling like we are a failure, which is not true,
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  but it's that cost, that difficulty,
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  that fight against that feeling when we do forget something,
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  when we forget an event or we forget the details of something or whatever it is.
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  I think a part of it to another cost is the cost of sadness when we feel like
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  we've hurt people or we've let other people down because we've forgotten,
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  making it feel like we aren't as good of parents or spouses,
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  employees, whatever it is, because of that forgetting.
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  So I think just understanding that there's an emotional component
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  a mental component to that cost of forgetting
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  and the second part of this not just the cost of forgetting but the cost of
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  remembering as well how much energy we have to spend to remember certain things
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  now i will get into other points on this later on so please hear me out and that i am not.
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  One of those people that has a perspective of ADHD being all negative.
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  Absolutely not. I think there are so much good to it, but this is part of what
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  I want people to understand is the difficulty and the amount of effort that
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  we have to spend in order to remember things.
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  How many timers we have to put in, you know, reminders, multiple calendars,
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  multiple, you know, like elastics on our fingers or our hands,
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  having accountability partners,
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  whatever it is, just how much energy it is to remember sometimes.
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  I think another part within this is understanding how hurtful it is when people
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  say things like, oh, you forgot that? Really?
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  Already? Or again? Things like that.
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  Even just, you know, the other day I went to school pickup at the end of the
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  day and I had asked my sister-in-law to bring something that I had forgotten at her house.
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  But by the time I got to school pickup, I didn't remember what it was that I
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  had asked her to bring, just that I had asked her to bring something.
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  And, you know, there's that look of like surprise of really,
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  you don't remember what you asked me to bring, which can feel kind of hurtful.
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  But to have them understand that once I felt like I had dealt with it,
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  I had asked her to bring it.
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  I didn't need to keep that information in my working memory anymore. So I didn't.
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  So I think this is number one.
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  And number two that I wish people understood about having ADHD is that we are trying our best.
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  So, you know, be patient, be curious, be understanding, but also we don't want your pity.
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  We don't need your pity to think that, you know...
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  We are broken or you know we're deficient
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  in some way we are not broken we just don't function the
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  same way you do so i think it's important and would be
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  nice if people understood that having adhd i don't look at it as you know a
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  deficit or a disorder in spite of what the name stands for but the fact that
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  we have to fit into this world that relies a lot on executive functioning which
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  is something that we struggle with.
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  But that doesn't mean we need to be looked down upon.
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  It doesn't mean that we need to be, you know, pitied or anything like that.
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  I think it's better if we look at it as, you know, being parallel and saying,
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  hey, we have different strengths and we have different struggles.
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  We both have strengths and we both have struggles.
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  So how can we support each other in these different areas?
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  How can we extend grace and love and forgiveness and support as opposed to shame
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  and judgment, which are not helpful and not kind and not loving.
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  Number three, what I wish people understood about having ADHD is that my kids
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  are also doing their best and I am doing my best in being a parent to my kids.
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  I think often it can be difficult with our kids, especially if they are struggling
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  with some of these components as well of, you know, emotional dysregulation
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  or sensory overload, things like that, is that it's not about defiance or disobedience.
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  There's so much more to it. I wish people could just give us the benefit of
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  the doubt and give our kids the benefit of the doubt and see,
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  you know, see the good inside them.
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  It's like Dr. Becky Kennedy's book, Good Inside, right?
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  Looking for the good in who people are instead of just looking at their behavior
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  as an indicator of who they are because it's not.
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  So I think that one is really important as well and one that can be frustrating
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  because if people treat us with love and kindness instead of judgment and shame,
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  it would go a long, long ways in our relationships as well.
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  Number four that I wish people understood about having ADHD is that I will be
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  the happiest, the most content when you let me be me,
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  authentically me, the creative, fun-loving, entrepreneurial person that I am
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  who joins other conversations. And maybe for you that looks a little different.
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  Maybe that means sometimes you are, you know, kind of daydreaming or planning
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  things or thinking about things behind the scenes, whatever it is.
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  But just the fact that we feel the judgment when people question why we are the way we are.
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  Number five, I wish people understood about having ADHD is that we want them to see the good in us.
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  There's so much good in people who have ADHD brains,
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  but people have to be willing to be curious and look at a perspective other
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  than the one that they already have if they don't have the characteristics of ADHD.
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  And I think that's probably one of the most important pieces with,
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  you know, relationship and humanity is looking at each other with curiosity,
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  looking and asking the question of, hey, how could they,
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  how could their experience be different than mine?
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  What might have informed that? What would that be like to be in their shoes?
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  How is it that our situations are different, that our support system is different,
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  that their approach is different? And sometimes, you know what,
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  we're not necessarily going to understand firsthand.
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  But recognizing that one way is not better than another and that we are each
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  created unique, each created to reflect God's goodness and made in His image,
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  we're going to reflect different parts. And that's okay.
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  We want to have that diversity, that uniqueness.
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  Number six that I wish people understood is the highs and lows,
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  the emotional highs and lows that come along with having ADHD and how to them
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  seemingly small things can trigger those highs and lows.
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  So an unexpected praise item you can feel on top of the world,
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  but an unexpected criticism or even a perceived criticism, you can just feel like you're in the pits.
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  And I think the rejection sensitivity that comes along with it as well to others,
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  to failures, to perceived failures, to, you know.
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  Future projections of failing or not being good enough.
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  And the fact that within this, we aren't trying to be petty or to pick fights
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  or to find fault in others.
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  We genuinely feel that rejection deeply and we sense it often.
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  And so I think I wish people understood more often how to extend grace and love
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  during this time instead of judgment and questioning,
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  you know, why do you have to be so hard on others when in reality we feel a
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  lack of understanding and compassion and sensitivity from other people towards us.
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  Number seven, I wish people understood that when I interrupt them,
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  it doesn't mean that I don't care.
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  It actually means that I'm really excited to join the conversation and that
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  I love people and I want to be part of that conversation with them.
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  It could also mean that if I don't say it soon enough, I'm probably going to
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  forget or that if, you know, sometimes, yes, I can get a little impatient if
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  the conversation's moving a little too slowly.
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  My mind has already raced ahead.
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  But just understanding that I, you know, for those of us, especially with the
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  combined type hyperactive and attentive, when we interrupt, it doesn't mean
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  that we don't care. It doesn't mean we don't care about that person.
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  It doesn't that,
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  different kind of filter. And part of it is the excitement of joining in on
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  the conversation to be a part of it with them.
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  Number eight, I wish you've understood that unless you have my full attention,
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  I don't actually hear you.
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  So if you are talking in the background and I'm supposed to notice that you're
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  talking and that I'm supposed to pay attention to it, I'm not going to hear
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  what you have to say, especially if I'm busy.
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  So for example, the other day, my family was over for my daughter's birthday.
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  And later my husband said, you know, did you hear when your sister was asking
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  somebody to help her with her kid?
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  And I was like, nope, I didn't notice that at all. But I was in the middle of
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  a different conversation.
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  And so I think it's just important for people to recognize that if there's something
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  actually going on, you need to get our direct attention.
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  Or even if it doesn't look like there's anything going on, there's typically
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  going to be something going on in my mind, at least.
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  And so you need to make a concerted effort to have my attention.
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  It also helps. I don't know about you, but it also helps for me when people
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  tell me what it is they want out of this interaction as well.
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  Like, do you want my advice? Do you want me to just listen?
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  Are you trying to problem solve something? It really helps me because otherwise
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  my mind is trying to figure out what is happening in the conversation,
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  which can be very distracting.
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  Number nine, I wish people understood last-minute changes are hard,
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  and I think that can be kind of universal, right?
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  If there's sickness or there's conflict, somebody cancels on something,
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  sometimes, don't get me wrong, that can be a bit of a relief too,
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  but that those last-minute changes are hard if we've been looking forward to
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  something and then having to adapt and change.
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  The last one, last but not least, I wish people understood that we are not broken
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  or deficient just because we don't think or do things the same way as they do.
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  And also within this, that we aren't stupid.
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  We're not incompetent. We're not incapable.
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  Just because, you know, something like.
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  Responding to emails or organizing the laundry or a calendar might be a little
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  bit more challenging does not mean that we are not good enough.
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  It doesn't mean that we're not intelligent.
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  We are intelligent and we have so many gifts and talents and things to bring
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  to the world to bless others with, but it's so important for us to be able to
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  function the way that we are.
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  And that's what I want to help you with in this podcast is
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  being confident in who you are understanding who you
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  are understanding that yes there are some struggles that
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  will need different supports and systems and
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  strategies and and maybe different approaches and ways of doing things but there
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  are also so many strengths and that when we lean into those strengths we can
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  become the best versions of who we are we can become the person that we want
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  to be one that we feel content with one that we feel proud of,
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  a person that we feel like blesses those around us.
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  And I just want people to understand that it's not just, you know,
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  a label, okay, I understand everything about who this person is.
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  It's understanding that each person is unique.
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  When you've met one person with ADHD, you've met one person with ADHD, you don't know them all,
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  and that we each have our unique story and our unique
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  perspective and that it's
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  important to approach these people in your life who have ADHD with curiosity
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  with love with the desire to understand which means that you need to come in
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  without judgment without preconceived notions of what is or isn't true for that person.
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  I hope something has resonated with you in this episode. If you have time and
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  you can leave a quick review for the show, it is the most helpful way for it
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  to be found by other people who are looking to live confidently with ADHD.
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  Thank you so much for joining me in today's episode. I look forward to the next
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  one. Until then, God bless.