Latest / Inspirations for Your Life / Forgiving Someone Doesn't Mean Trusting Them Again (S5) S38:E4 Tuesday

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Forgiving Someone Doesn't Mean Trusting Them Again (S5) S38:E4 Tuesday · Inspirations for Your Life

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Well there, hello everyone and welcome to the
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All right, all right guys.
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So let's get into it.
1:28
I know I'm excited to get into it.
1:30
So welcome everyone like I said to another
1:32
of the ever-popular Inspirations for Your Life
1:35
episode.
1:36
I'm John C.
1:37
Morley.
1:37
I'm a serial entrepreneur.
1:38
I'm an engineer.
1:39
I'm a video producer.
1:40
I'm a podcast host coach, keynote speaker, passionate
1:44
lifelong learner.
1:45
I'm a graduate student at Montgomery State University
1:46
and so grateful now to be a published
1:49
author.
1:50
Today, I'm tackling something people often combine when
1:54
they really shouldn't, forgiveness and trust.
1:59
You see, you can forgive someone and still
2:01
decide that your relationship with that person needs
2:03
to change.
2:04
You can release anger without reopening a door.
2:07
You can stop carrying bitterness without pretending nothing
2:11
happened.
2:13
Forgiveness can be about your peace.
2:16
Trust is about somebody else's behavior.
2:21
Let's get into our 30 points and that'll
2:23
helpfully hone in on this a little more.
2:26
Number one, guys, number one is this.
2:29
You know what number one is?
2:30
Number one is all about forgiveness and trust
2:32
as they are not the same thing.
2:35
Forgiveness can be a decision about what you
2:38
no longer want to carry.
2:40
Trust involves believing someone is reliable enough to
2:43
receive access to you again.
2:46
One can happen without the other.
2:49
You can release anger without reopening access.
2:53
Letting go of anger doesn't automatically require another
2:56
conversation, meeting, friendship or relationship.
3:00
Sometimes releasing the emotional burden while maintaining distance
3:05
is exactly what you need to do.
3:07
And don't be afraid to do that.
3:08
All right.
3:09
Number three, stop believing forgiveness requires forgetting.
3:13
You don't have to erase your memory.
3:16
What happened may contain an important lesson.
3:19
Remembering can help you make wiser decisions without
3:22
requiring you to remain bitter.
3:25
Number four, remember the lesson without carrying the
3:30
bitterness, right?
3:32
There's goodness in the lesson, but throw away
3:35
the bitterness.
3:36
You don't need it.
3:37
Okay.
3:38
Keep what the experience taught you.
3:40
Maybe you learned about boundaries, warning signs, communication
3:44
or trust.
3:46
Wisdom can remain even after resentment leaves.
3:50
Number five, guys, trust should be rebuilt through
3:53
evidence.
3:54
If somebody wants your trust again, look at
3:57
the behavior.
3:58
Are their actions different?
4:00
Have those changes remain consistent?
4:03
Trust shouldn't return simply because enough time has
4:06
passed, right?
4:10
Number six, forgiveness doesn't eliminate accountability.
4:14
That's a real key one.
4:15
Someone can be forgiven and still remain responsible
4:18
for what they did.
4:19
They have to own up to it.
4:21
Forgiveness doesn't rewrite history or eliminate consequences, folks.
4:25
Accountability and forgiveness can exist together.
4:28
Yes, in the same sentence.
4:29
Number seven, you can wish somebody well from
4:33
a distance.
4:35
You can kind of stay detached, right?
4:39
And I think that's an important piece for
4:42
a lot of us to understand.
4:44
All right?
4:48
Not everybody you forgive needs to return to
4:51
your life.
4:53
You can genuinely hope someone does well while
4:57
recognizing that their healthiest place in their life
5:00
is somewhere farther away from you.
5:03
Nothing wrong with that.
5:05
Number eight, stop confusing boundaries with revenge.
5:09
A boundary isn't punishment when its purpose is
5:14
protection.
5:15
Saying no, limiting access, or ending contact can
5:19
be healthy decisions rather than attempts to hurt
5:23
somebody.
5:25
Number nine, distance can be healthy, okay?
5:29
Distance gives you room to think, heal, and
5:32
see a situation more clearly.
5:34
Sometimes stepping away allows you to recognize patterns
5:37
that were difficult to see while you were
5:40
inside the relationship.
5:42
You know, it's like we become blind.
5:43
When we're actually working on it, you know,
5:45
we're not paying attention because, you know, we're
5:48
so drawn into it, and we don't want
5:52
to see anything wrong.
5:53
I think that's an important piece that a
5:55
lot of people often miss in life.
5:57
So, we have to sometimes look at it
5:59
from an unbiased perspective, right?
6:02
Sometimes an outsider has to give us some
6:04
information.
6:05
Number 10, you don't owe everyone another opportunity.
6:10
A second chance is nice, and it's something
6:11
you choose, not something everyone automatically just receives
6:14
or gets.
6:16
Someone's desire to return doesn't create an obligation
6:19
for you to let them, okay?
6:22
That's an important piece.
6:24
We can't allow this manipulation to change who
6:28
you are or allow it to lower your
6:30
own boundaries, guys.
6:32
There's no need for that.
6:34
There's absolutely no need for that.
6:37
And I mean it because a lot of
6:39
times people are just like, well, what am
6:42
I supposed to do?
6:44
I think we have to pay attention.
6:51
I think that's an important thing, right?
6:55
I think that's a very important thing for
6:57
us to recognize, for us to be aware
7:00
of, right?
7:02
I think these are really important things.
7:07
But we have to think about it, right?
7:10
We have to think about it.
7:14
And maybe we'll reflect on it differently.
7:17
We'll realize that that obligation that we think
7:20
we have to give, you don't have to.
7:24
Number 11, forgiveness is about what you stop
7:28
carrying.
7:31
John, that's awfully deep.
7:32
I know, so let me break it down
7:34
for you.
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Think about the anger, the resentment, the mental
7:40
arguments, and even the emotional weight you've been
7:44
carrying your whole life.
7:46
Forgiveness can be about deciding that you no
7:49
longer want those things occupying your life right
7:52
now.
7:52
Nothing wrong with that.
7:54
Number 12, trust is about what somebody earns.
7:59
Trust is built through honesty, consistency, accountability, and
8:04
behavior over time.
8:06
Somebody asking you to trust them isn't the
8:08
same as somebody demonstrating that they're trustable.
8:12
A lot of times, people get these two
8:14
confused.
8:16
And because of that, they let more than
8:19
the guard down that they want to let
8:21
down.
8:21
I think that's an important piece, guys, a
8:23
very important piece.
8:26
Number 13, stop allowing guilt to weaken necessary
8:30
boundaries.
8:31
People do it every day.
8:32
You may feel guilty for saying no, especially
8:36
if someone pressures you to move on.
8:39
But guilt, guys, isn't evidence that your boundary
8:43
is wrong.
8:44
Remember why you established it in the first
8:46
place, okay?
8:47
Compassion doesn't require vulnerability.
8:50
Number 14, you can understand that somebody is
8:54
struggling without placing yourself back into a harmful
8:57
situation.
8:59
Caring about someone doesn't require exposing yourself to
9:02
the same behavior again, again, again.
9:04
But yet, people do it because, well, they're
9:07
gluttons or punishment, but they feel they want
9:08
to be a martyr.
9:09
You don't need to be a martyr, guys.
9:12
You don't need to do that.
9:15
Number 15, you can understand somebody and still
9:20
say the words no.
9:21
Don't feel like if you say no that
9:24
you're going to have to, like, let your
9:28
guard down.
9:29
You don't, okay?
9:31
That's important.
9:33
Understanding why someone behaved a certain way can
9:38
provide context, but context doesn't automatically make the
9:42
behavior acceptable.
9:45
Understanding and agreement are different types of things.
9:50
But oftentimes, they get clouded.
9:52
They get pushed together.
9:55
I think a lot of people say, okay,
9:57
that's nice, but what do I do in
10:00
this situation?
10:01
Like, what do I do?
10:03
And it's not about what do I do,
10:04
it's about how do I feel, where am
10:06
I going?
10:08
I think that's something that a lot of
10:09
people miss because they're looking at what the
10:12
Joneses are doing, okay?
10:18
They look at what the Joneses are doing.
10:20
And what the Joneses are doing may not
10:23
be what you want to do, okay?
10:31
That's an important thing, guys.
10:34
Very, very important thing to understand.
10:40
You have to know what things mean.
10:41
You have to know why they are a
10:43
certain way.
10:44
And you have to be able to basically
10:48
do the things that you would want to
10:51
do.
10:52
But guys, you can't just do this immediately,
10:56
okay?
10:57
You have to know why and how you're
11:01
responding.
11:02
This is key, guys, okay?
11:04
Number 16, forgiveness doesn't make harmful behavior acceptable.
11:09
Some people think it does, it doesn't.
11:12
You don't need to minimize what happened in
11:15
order to forgive someone.
11:17
Something can remain completely unacceptable while you decide
11:21
that you're no longer carrying anger about it.
11:24
But you're also not going to let them
11:25
back in your life.
11:26
You're not going to trust them all over
11:29
again, right?
11:31
How many times do you usually give people?
11:33
Is it once?
11:34
Is it twice?
11:34
Is it two times or three times?
11:36
Usually, I give people the three-strike rule
11:38
so they can mess up first time.
11:41
Second time, I let them know again.
11:42
Third time, they're done, they're out.
11:45
Because sometimes people can make a mistake, I
11:46
get it.
11:47
But making a mistake three times in a
11:48
row, sorry.
11:50
There's no more tokens, you can't play anymore,
11:52
okay?
11:53
So understand that.
11:55
Number 17, stop rewriting history to make peace.
12:00
A lot of people want to rewrite history
12:02
because they think if they do, that maybe
12:05
they'll appear better.
12:07
Maybe other people will see them differently.
12:09
But you know what's going to make other
12:10
people see you differently?
12:12
Do you want to really know what that
12:12
is?
12:14
It's going to be you acting a different
12:16
way.
12:19
That's key, guys.
12:21
Peace doesn't require creating a softer version of
12:25
what happened, right?
12:28
Be honest with yourself and about the experience.
12:33
You don't need to change your relationship with
12:36
them.
12:39
It's nice that everybody wants to, you know,
12:42
be close and kubaya and all that stuff.
12:44
But in the real world, if somebody hurts
12:47
you and you forgive them, how many times
12:51
do you give them that chance before you
12:52
say, wait a minute, enough's enough?
12:54
Like, I'm cutting my access off.
12:56
You can't have any more access to me.
12:58
If that's how you're going to behave, I
12:59
don't want to be around somebody like you.
13:02
Number 18, you could acknowledge exactly what happened.
13:05
Nothing wrong with that.
13:06
Say it accurately to yourself.
13:08
Don't exaggerate it, but don't minimize it either.
13:12
Acknowledging things allows reality to give you a
13:15
stronger foundation for deciding what happened next.
13:18
I was having a conversation with someone the
13:20
other day.
13:21
I'm not going to mention who for confidentiality
13:23
and personality reasons.
13:27
And something very interesting.
13:31
They were talking about something and I was
13:37
sharing something.
13:41
And yet they were a little bit, I
13:46
won't say disgruntled, but I could tell they
13:48
had this chip on their shoulder, right?
13:51
And it was such a chip that anything
13:55
good, they were just looking to knock.
14:00
And I thought that was kind of bad.
14:02
So we create our reality from what we
14:07
think and how we act and how we
14:09
think changes our expression, changes our actions.
14:14
And although we say we can't change others,
14:17
when we change ourselves, others change because our
14:20
reactions change and that in fact impacts them
14:24
positively or negatively.
14:26
So don't say you can't change somebody, but
14:29
you can change them when you change who
14:31
you are.
14:33
Number 19, let's make a decision tonight to
14:37
release the emotional debt without restoring the relationship.
14:40
You can decide you're finished waiting for an
14:43
apology, explanation or repayment while also deciding the
14:48
relationship is finished.
14:49
Had that happen probably about 10 years ago.
14:56
Somebody who I thought was my friend, somebody
14:58
who I thought was really gonna stick by
14:59
me, played me.
15:04
And at the time I needed the most,
15:08
they disappeared.
15:10
And they told me that they never wanted
15:14
to be friends.
15:18
Number 20, guys, some relationships should remain finished.
15:22
Like this one, if the person comes back,
15:24
would I rekindle it?
15:25
Probably not.
15:28
Would I talk to them?
15:29
Sure, but I'm going to be guarded, guys.
15:34
I'm gonna be guarded.
15:38
I think those are important things for us
15:40
to realize.
15:41
It's okay to be guarded, guys.
15:47
Okay, it's absolutely okay to be guarded because
15:49
we're guarding because we wanna protect ourselves.
15:52
We don't wanna have things happen to us.
15:55
Not every relationship needs another chapter, another life.
16:02
Sometimes the lesson is recognizing that ending something
16:05
was healthy and that returning would simply recreate
16:09
an old pattern.
16:11
You know, sometimes people come into our lives
16:13
to help us become a better version of
16:15
ourselves and then they leave.
16:16
They stay for a short time and they
16:18
leave.
16:18
Some people stay longer.
16:20
Some people stay our entire life.
16:21
And some people just kind of pass through.
16:25
But don't be angry about them for leaving.
16:29
Take the lesson, right?
16:31
Not every relationship needs another chapter.
16:32
And don't try to make it into one
16:35
when it's not.
16:36
Number 21, guys, stop returning because you feel
16:40
obligated.
16:41
Oh, it's the right thing.
16:43
We have to be kind to everyone.
16:48
History doesn't create permanent access.
16:51
The amount of time you've known someone doesn't
16:54
mean they remain part of your future.
16:57
Make decisions based on what is healthy for
17:00
you right now, not later.
17:03
Protect what you're doing and rebuild.
17:09
Maybe you've rebuilt your confidence, stability.
17:13
Maybe it's peace or self-respect.
17:16
Don't casually risk what took significant time and
17:19
effort to restore.
17:21
Protect the progress you've made.
17:24
And don't dare think that you have to
17:26
apologize to them, that you have to get
17:27
closure.
17:28
It's nice, but don't bank your whole life
17:32
on it.
17:33
Number 23, let change behavior determine future access
17:38
if you're going to grant it or not.
17:39
If you're considering allowing someone back into your
17:41
life, watch what they consistently do.
17:46
Real change becomes visible through behavior, not simply
17:50
through statements about the change.
17:52
People say, I've changed, I'm a new person.
17:56
The more somebody says that, the more I'm
17:58
less likely to believe it.
17:59
What I do believe is how they act.
18:04
Don't tell me, show me.
18:09
So be mindful of the body language, of
18:11
the tonality.
18:15
And ask yourself, do I really want to
18:18
give this person another try or are they
18:20
just kind of parading around trying to get
18:22
me to give them another chance when they
18:24
know that I'm probably going to go back
18:26
to my old self again?
18:28
Number 24, words alone don't rebuild trust.
18:33
They're nice, they sound great, but they don't
18:36
really rebuild trust.
18:38
An apology can matter, but words are the
18:40
beginning, the foundation.
18:43
They're not the whole house.
18:45
Not necessarily the proof either, guys.
18:48
Trust returns when behavior consistently supports what somebody
18:52
has promised.
18:54
Let me say that again.
18:55
Trust returns when behavior consistently supports what somebody
19:00
has promised.
19:03
Number 25, guys.
19:05
Observe patterns instead of promises.
19:07
Obviously, oh, I promise I'm going to do
19:09
this, I promise I'm going to do that.
19:10
You know what happens?
19:12
They actually don't do any of it.
19:14
And then you're wondering why and you're kicking
19:17
yourself up for all that.
19:19
Number 25, observe the patterns instead of the
19:21
promises.
19:21
And promises will tell you what someone intends
19:24
to do, not what you think they're going
19:26
to do.
19:27
Patterns reveal what they repeatedly do.
19:30
When the two conflict, patterns usually provide the
19:33
more useful information.
19:35
If you know somebody is doing something to
19:37
you and they stop and then suddenly you're
19:40
somewhere now they're late again, oh, they're doing
19:42
the same pattern all over again.
19:44
Oh, no, no, no, it's an emergency.
19:45
But then there was no emergency.
19:46
Just give you a story or a sob
19:49
story.
19:50
Number 26, forgive without abandoning discernment.
19:54
So forgiveness doesn't require turning off your judgment.
19:59
You can release resentment while remaining thoughtful about
20:02
who receives your time, your confidence, your information,
20:07
and most importantly, access to you.
20:10
Is precious and don't just give it out
20:13
to anybody.
20:14
One thing is being nice.
20:16
It's another to just do something because you
20:17
think you should do it anyway.
20:20
Number 27, guys, your peace doesn't require reconciliation.
20:25
This is an important one and many people
20:28
don't get it.
20:28
You don't necessarily need another conversation, a handshake,
20:32
a friendship or relationship in order to find
20:35
peace in your life.
20:37
Your healing doesn't require someone else's participation.
20:42
We may think it does.
20:43
We may think we need that to get
20:45
off the hook or to get closure so
20:48
we can move on.
20:48
But if closure doesn't come, we need to
20:50
give ourselves closure and say, you know what?
20:53
This relationship is not working.
20:54
This opportunity is not working.
20:56
This task is not working.
20:58
This project isn't working.
21:01
You can let go and still move on.
21:03
Number 28, two people don't have to reconnect
21:06
simply because the anger is gone.
21:09
Sometimes the healthiest outcome is releasing the resentment
21:14
and continuing forward in completely different directions.
21:19
And that's very healthy, guys, extremely healthy.
21:22
Number 29, we get back to forgiveness.
21:26
Forgiveness frees your heart, not somebody else's access.
21:33
We do forgiveness, but you know why we
21:36
do it?
21:37
You think it's for the person?
21:39
We really do forgiveness for ourselves, right?
21:43
Forgiveness is something you can choose for yourself.
21:46
It can release you from carrying anger, but
21:49
it doesn't automatically give another person permission to
21:53
reenter your life.
21:55
If you think it does, you gotta make
21:57
that boundary clear, guys, crystal clear.
22:01
Number 30, please choose, and it's your choice
22:05
here, to release the anger without surrendering the
22:09
boundaries.
22:11
That's where I wanna leave you today, and
22:15
it's an important place.
22:16
You don't have to choose between peace and
22:21
protection.
22:22
You can release the anger while maintaining the
22:26
boundary that keeps you from repeating the same
22:29
experience.
22:30
When there was experience that didn't go well,
22:33
learn what happened, take the lesson away, get
22:38
rid of all the other emotional turmoil.
22:40
Think about somebody for a moment you struggled
22:43
with to forgive.
22:46
Maybe part of the difficulty comes from believing
22:49
forgiveness means you have to trust that person
22:52
again.
22:53
Guess what, guys?
22:54
It doesn't.
22:56
Maybe you've been afraid that letting go somehow
23:00
says what happened was okay.
23:03
That doesn't mean that.
23:05
It doesn't.
23:07
Maybe someone has told you that if you
23:10
have truly moved forward, you should give them
23:13
another chance.
23:14
No, that's manipulation if you didn't know it.
23:18
A lot of people say, oh, you should
23:20
forgive, Jim.
23:20
You should forgive, Sam.
23:21
You know, that's what such and such would
23:23
do.
23:24
That's a manipulation tactic.
23:26
You don't owe anyone access simply to prove
23:29
that you've healed.
23:32
Forgiveness can mean deciding that you're finished, carrying
23:36
anger into every new day.
23:40
It can mean ending the imaginary arguments, releasing
23:44
the desire for revenge.
23:45
Some people just live for revenge, unfortunately, and
23:48
no longer allow somebody else's behavior to dominate
23:51
and control your emotional life.
23:53
What is that, guys?
23:54
That is manipulation.
23:56
Trust, guys, is different.
23:59
Trust asks us whether someone has demonstrated honesty,
24:04
whether their behavior changed, whether they respect your
24:07
boundaries, whether their actions consistently support their promises.
24:12
It's not a what he said, she said.
24:15
It's about what they're doing.
24:18
As I said, don't tell me you've changed.
24:20
Show me you've changed.
24:23
That's why trust can take much longer to
24:26
rebuild than forgiveness.
24:29
And sometimes it shouldn't be rebuilt at all.
24:33
You can forgive somebody and never speak with
24:36
them again.
24:38
You can understand why someone behaved the way
24:41
they did and still decide that their behavior
24:43
isn't something you'll accept or you want part
24:46
of your life.
24:47
You can care about somebody while recognizing that
24:50
being close to them isn't healthy for you.
24:53
This happens in a lot of toxic dating
24:56
relationships.
24:59
You can release bitterness without surrendering discernment.
25:03
That is not revenge.
25:05
Let me say that again.
25:06
That is not revenge.
25:07
That is not revenge.
25:09
That's recognizing the difference between carrying anger and
25:13
protecting yourself.
25:14
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is true power.
25:16
Your boundaries don't need to disappear because your
25:19
anger did.
25:20
No.
25:22
Learn and take that lesson.
25:25
Keep the wisdom.
25:27
Observe the behavior.
25:29
Protect what you've rebuilt.
25:31
And if someone wants your trust again, let
25:35
their consistent actions tell you whether that trust
25:39
actually is deserved and has been earned.
25:42
You see, you don't have to hate somebody
25:45
to keep your distance.
25:47
You don't have to remain angry to say
25:49
no.
25:50
And you don't have to restore a relationship
25:52
in order to find peace.
25:55
Forgiveness is about what you stop carrying.
26:00
Trust is about what somebody earns, right?
26:06
I want to invite you today to do
26:08
something really important.
26:09
You know what that is?
26:10
I want to invite you to release the
26:13
anger, whether it's a little bit, whether it's
26:14
a lot, without surrendering any boundary.
26:18
If you feel like you're releasing anger and
26:21
somehow you're surrendering a boundary because somebody says,
26:24
oh, well, this is what we expect.
26:27
This is how we all play nice.
26:28
I mean, that's really great.
26:29
But that's really psychology.
26:35
It's conversational hypnosis, which gets you to do
26:39
something because either you feel bad or because
26:42
it tells your brain that, oh, you know
26:44
what, I should do that.
26:46
It's a suggestion.
26:47
You probably don't even want to relive, but
26:49
yet you do it.
26:50
So release the anger without surrendering the boundary
26:55
or boundaries.
26:57
And a boundary could be something like, you're
26:59
not available 24-7 on your phone.
27:03
You're not, okay?
27:06
That's important to realize.
27:10
Forgiveness is about what you stop carrying, the
27:14
weight.
27:15
And they weigh more than books in a
27:17
book bag or bricks.
27:18
Trust is about what somebody earns.
27:21
Ladies and gentlemen, if you do not know
27:23
me by now, allow me to reintroduce myself.
27:25
I'm John C.
27:26
Morley.
27:26
I'm a serial entrepreneur and a lot more.
27:29
And this has been another powerful episode of
27:32
the amazing Inspirations for Your Life show.
27:34
I thank you so much for spending these
27:38
precious moments with me today.
27:41
I want to invite you to take this
27:43
information and really think about how you're reacting
27:50
to it in your life.
27:51
Keep moving forward, ladies and gentlemen, okay?
27:54
Protect the peace you've built.
27:57
And remember that letting go doesn't require giving
27:59
somebody access to you again.
28:01
And I'll see you on another show.
28:03
And remember, if it feels like that, it's
28:05
probably manipulation.
28:06
Have yourself a great evening and check out
28:08
BelieveMeAchieve.com for more of my amazing inspiring
28:10
creations.