Latest / Beyond the Facade with Choose Recovery Services and Blueprint Institute / 49: My Partner Thinks I Don't Listen to Them

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49: My Partner Thinks I Don't Listen to Them · Beyond the Facade with Choose Recovery Services and Blueprint Institute

• 0:00
  Hey guys, normally I kick us off, but this time I'm having
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  Alana here and she's going to give me a topic that I don't
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  know about, but it's to be around a big trade partner.
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  So, Alana, what are we talking about?
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  You can see my big grin if you're watching this on YouTube
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  because I think you're going to panic when I tell you what the
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  topic is. I see this come up a lot and
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  women wonder why is my husband not open to my feedback?
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  Like why when I try to give him advice, he won't hear it from
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  me. When I try to help him or say,
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  hey, listen to this podcast, he won't hear it from me.
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  But then he goes to group and some guy says it and it's like
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  he's heard it for the first time.
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  Or his therapist will say it and it's like, Oh my gosh, this new
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  concept. Why can he not hear things from
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  me? OK, cool.
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  All right, So that's what we're going to talk about today,
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  y'all. So we're going to dive into
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  this. I'm excited, Welcome to Beyond
• 0:59
  the Facade podcast. I'm your host, Luke Gordon, and
• 1:01
  I'm thrilled to have you join me in this space today.
• 1:04
  What we're going to be doing is diving deep into the trials and
• 1:06
  triumphs and truths of seeking authenticity.
• 1:09
  Becoming your true self isn't about a single action or a
• 1:12
  moment. It's a relentless pursuit, a
• 1:15
  commitment to self that reveals the rich connection and meaning
• 1:18
  that our life has to offer. So whether this is your first
• 1:20
  time tuning in or you're a regular listener, know this what
• 1:24
  you're building here goes beyond a conversation.
• 1:27
  You're here to challenge, to change, and to celebrate the
• 1:29
  incredible journey of becoming your authentic self.
• 1:32
  Because when you dare to show up fully, the rewards are
• 1:35
  immeasurable. So welcome to Beyond the facade.
• 1:38
  Let's get started. All right, so Alan, I'm going to
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  repeat that question back to you and you can make sure I heard it
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  right. OK, So why will he not listen to
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  me when I have things that can be helpful, but he'll listen to
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  other people. Why?
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  Why does why is he hear from them but not me?
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  Why can't he hear? Is that what you heard you say?
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  Exactly, Yeah. Can I give what his question
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  would be in the exact same scenario please?
• 2:02
  OK So what his question would be is, is why does my partner keep
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  giving me stuff to do? Why are they giving me a
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  checklist of stuff to when is the checklist going to stop
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  coming? OK, I use their energy right?
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  Did you notice? Have you?
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  Probably had a bunch of women, like, get a little ruffled with
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  that energy. I know.
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  Well, it's funny because then my brain goes, yeah.
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  So why is he not open to my influence?
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  Yeah. Especially if I just want to
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  help. Well, I can grab the energy
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  because this is the question that I asked in my recovery,
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  right? Which is I can't keep up.
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  I can't read another book. I can't listen to another
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  podcast to answer that question as if I was talking to a
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  betrayed partner, right? That's what I'm doing, I would
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  say, because remember Charlie Brown where his teacher talks,
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  but you never it was just wah wah, wah, wah, wah.
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  OK, so be careful. I'm not.
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  I'm telling the betrayed partners of lifting.
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  You are not the wah wah wah person.
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  OK, I'm using this as an analogy.
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  What you have to say is really important and really good.
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  What I want to tell you is you can't understand that teacher
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  when you're listening. You're watching a Charlie Brown
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  episode. It's nice sense.
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  So what's happening is, is when you are talking, he has so much
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  other stuff going around. It's not about what you're
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  asking in that moment. It's about the thousands of
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  experiences that he feels like he's had that have gone sideways
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  with your asks in the past, with your requests in the past.
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  So it's around shame, it's around being enough.
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  It's around cognitive distortions, which are just
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  shortcuts of how this is going to go this time.
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  So it's really just a distracted, it's a distracted
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  mind in a message that you're giving.
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  And the reason why other people get to say it and you can't is
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  because there's not that there's not those cognitive sources,
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  there's not that clutter and that static associated with that
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  message because there's no bad experiences.
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  It's why I can, it's why this person is such a good.
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  I'm going to put it, I'm going to do textbook here a little
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  bit. I'm going to speak in
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  generalities, which isn't completely fair.
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  It's the same reason that exists where that person might be a
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  good people pleaser or everybody loves them is because there's
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  not that high of an expectation. Because he gets new people all
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  the time. He doesn't have a lot of bad
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  experience with them. So it's easy to give them what
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  they want, but it's harder to give somebody what they want
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  that they've disappointed in the past or that's perceived
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  disappointment. Yeah, what I hear in that is a
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  lot of shame. And if it's you're the person
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  that they have heard I'm speaking to, the B trade
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  partner, you're the person that they've hurt.
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  Naturally with you in particular, so much more shame
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  will be likely to come up. And so I'll use the analogy of
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  if you imagine shame like a big folder and I want to see my
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  partner and then something comes up and my shame is activated.
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  It puts this big folder in front where I can't see around my
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  shame to hear clearly or see the other person and so it as long
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  as this is happening, it tells me as a professional that my
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  client still has a lot of shame that needs to be worked through
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  and needs to be healed. And it doesn't matter how
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  articulate and how good you are at that message, there's not a
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  perfect delivery. We're going to take a quick
• 5:35
  break for a moment. I want to let you know of some
• 5:37
  things that we have coming up at Choose Recovery Services.
• 5:41
  I'm very excited to tell you about the unmasked intensive we
• 5:45
  have coming up in May. It's May 13th through the 16th
• 5:47
  in Spanish Fork, UT. The name of the intensive is
• 5:51
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• 5:54
  Let me tell you some of the things we're going to
• 5:56
  accomplish. We're going to explore some root
• 5:58
  causes like at the end of the day, what's underneath this
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  behavior? What's the why behind it?
• 6:03
  What's the insights into understanding why my behavior
• 6:06
  existed, The one that kept me in secrecy and hiding?
• 6:09
  We're going to embrace vulnerability so we're confront
• 6:12
  a lot of the struggles of that non judge mental space so you
• 6:17
  can foster more authentic connections with the people that
• 6:20
  you love. We're going to realign with your
• 6:22
  values. We're going to learn new coping
• 6:24
  strategies and we're going to afford some authentic
• 6:27
  connection. We're going to build a lot of
• 6:28
  camaraderie to hear that happens.
• 6:30
  I wanted to share with you what previous participants have said
• 6:34
  about this transformation. So here's what one guy said.
• 6:37
  I'm just going to read it to you.
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  I love the connection with those around me.
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  It was eye opening to learn how to open up and show love for
• 6:44
  myself and be OK with what's going on inside of me, no matter
• 6:48
  how hard or ugly I may see it. I specifically remember this man
• 6:53
  saying this and just being astounded by like wow from
• 6:57
  around people that really open up.
• 6:59
  What can I explore and learn about myself this intensive?
• 7:02
  He found it be really eye opening.
• 7:03
  So anyway, For more information and reserve your spot, go ahead
• 7:07
  and visit our website and we'll provide some information for you
• 7:10
  and then take the time to invest in yourself so you can start to
• 7:16
  lean in in a more authentic way in your life.
• 7:18
  Looking forward to seeing you there.
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  Let's get back to our episode. You know, with that shame, I
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  just want to speak to both partners that I see both
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  partners equally loathe the shame that's there for the B
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  trade partner. It's so frustrating because you
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  want to be heard and you want to be seen and you want them to be
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  able to hold value to the things that you really have taken time
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  and learned about and invested in and you want to support and
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  you want to help. And so that shame coming up and
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  blocking that is incredibly painful and frustrating.
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  And for the person who has done the B train or the individual
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  seeking recovery, how frustrating is it that you want
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  to connect with your partner, you want to hear them and then
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  this shame comes up and that's all you can focus on.
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  And then you find yourself mad at why did I screw it up again?
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  Why couldn't I just hear her? Why couldn't I, you know, go
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  down the shame path, the shame spiral.
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  And so it's frustrating for everybody.
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  And so I just, I want to just, I don't know, neutralize maybe
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  isn't the right word, but just have empathy all around for the
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  shame. And when we can recognize the
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  shames at play and we can voice it and own it and have that
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  antidote of letting it be seen so we can start removing it,
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  that's where we really start to find the healing happening so we
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  can get to this place that we can hear each other.
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  Let's talk about the black and whites in this, which is OK.
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  Your partner comes and says, hey, I got a podcast episode for
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  you. OK, The black and white would be
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  yeah, cool. I'll listen to it right now.
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  Right. Let me listen to it.
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  Floating safe, people pleasing. I'm just going to do it because
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  I know that's going to make her happy or satisfied to be or let
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  her know I'm I'm in recovery, right?
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  Or the other one is is ignore her, say no, I don't have time
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  for that. I think the healthy in between
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  is is OK slowing that down and going hold on, why would I
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  listen to this? Why would this matter?
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  Why is this important? Hey, why do you value this?
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  Like what's in it here for you? Genuine curiosity, right?
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  But where it can be really problematics.
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  If I feel like I lose my power in it, like I got to listen to
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  it and then frankly, I don't get anything out of it anyway.
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  But what if I seek to understand and let that person know, even
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  if I don't do it, that I value what they have to say.
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  And then I'm seeking to understand what that is.
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  And I, I, I'll run into a little bit of doormat syndrome with
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  this because my partner along in the past, you've gone to a place
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  where you've been like your stuff's really good idea.
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  Like when you bring stuff to me, it's usually pretty solid.
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  And then I go, man, can I, is this just Alana's recovery or is
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  this Luke's recovery? If I just listen everything I
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  said, but you'll notice like the victim mentality in that right?
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  That oh, I didn't have AI, didn't have a choice.
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  So it's, you know, just stopping, beginning, curious,
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  noticing why you're doing what you're doing.
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  Well, and and and I'll add the other piece of adding in your
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  own value based living. So when you slow that process
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  down and then you go, OK, what are my values?
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  Does this align with my values? Is this something that I want to
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  do because it's value based and then I'm going to own the choice
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  I make. I'm either going to own the
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  choice of I'm not going to listen to the podcast, or I'm
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  going to own the choice of I do want to listen to it because
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  here's the values of the lines with.
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  So that process. I love that you said slow it
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  down, get curious and then bring in your own values.
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  Values work is really important in this Halian journey and it's
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  interesting. We won't go down this road, but
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  it's just interesting to me how many clients who have acted
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  outside of their values think that things aren't their values
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  because they acted outside of them.
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  Well, I can't value honesty because I've been dishonest.
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  Well, I can't value my family because clearly I've hurt my
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  family. And so they throw all these
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  values out the window because they didn't live in them.
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  And I'm like, no, the reason it's so painful is because you
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  do value it and you lived outside of it until really
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  learning and owning what those values are so you can start
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  living more aligned with those values helps you then be able to
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  better decide for yourself what is right and wrong in your
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  recovery and be able to take influence because you can know
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  what influence is to take and what influence isn't to take.
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  Yeah, we will be talking about then future podcast episodes.
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  If I've acted outside my values, can they even be my values?
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  That's that can be a confusing place.
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  So when you get clarity around it can be really empowering
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  because though we could bring a lot of hope, can make you feel
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  less broken. They just my values, even if I
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  didn't follow them. Yeah, OK, I was good.
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  Alana, any other things on that? I think we'll leave it there.
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  This was going to be just a fast episode with one single
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  question, so I think that's a probably a good way to wrap it
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  up. Thanks for asking.
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  OK. Thanks.
• 12:49
  I'd love to share with you what's upcoming.
• 12:51
  And we have something really unique coming up in June.
• 12:55
  So for those of you who are in a healing profession, who is
• 13:01
  helping take care of other people, therapists, coaches
• 13:04
  especially. But even if you're a nurse
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  working in the medical field, if you spend your time catering to
• 13:11
  everyone else and holding their pain and helping them through
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  their heart, we have an intensive just for you.
• 13:18
  This is called Heal the Healer and of Oh well, I love all my
• 13:23
  intensives, but this one holds such a special place in my heart
• 13:27
  because in Heal the Healer, it's where the healer gets to come
• 13:32
  and for a moment, set everything down and let you be taken care
• 13:36
  of. And this isn't where you're
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  going to come do a ton of workshops and lots of learning
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  and have to stretch your brain. It's just where you get to come
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  relax, you get to kick your feet up and have other professionals
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  together for somebody else and who are ready to be taken care
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  of. So invest in you, take care of
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  you. We would love to have you there.
• 14:33
  I would love to hang out with you and come with us in June to
• 14:37
  heal the healer. Hey, thanks for joining us
• 14:42
  today. If this is something that you
• 14:44
  connected with, I'd love to meet with you more and talk about it.
• 14:47
  So what you can do is go to chooserecoveryservices.com or
• 14:50
  check the show notes and there what we can do is set up a quick
• 14:53
  conversation. Thanks so much for listening to
• 14:56
  Beyond the Facade where we unmask the authentic itself.