Latest / Reflect Reclaim & Liberate - with Sallyanne Hartnell / Parallel Parenting Explained: What It Is, Who It’s For & How to Make It Work

Transcript

Parallel Parenting Explained: What It Is, Who It’s For & How to Make It Work · Reflect Reclaim & Liberate - with Sallyanne Hartnell

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate, a podcast covering all things relationships, separation, and divorce.
• 0:09
  SPEAKER_00: How to create healthy, happy, fulfilling relationships without sacrificing any part of yourself.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_00: Supporting anyone feeling challenged in their relationship or marriage.
• 0:18
  SPEAKER_00: These are confidential conversations for you if you're navigating separation, divorce, or reorganising life afterwards.
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_00: Decide whether to stay or leave a relationship or marriage, divorce with less drama, and consciously choose what's next for you.
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_00: I acknowledge the traditional owners of the land on which this podcast is recorded, the Warrantry people of the Kulin Nation, and pay my respects to their elders, past, present, and emerging.
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_00: I acknowledge them as the original storytellers of this land.
• 0:53
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to this week's episode of Reflect, Reclaim, and Liberate, all about parallel parenting, what it actually is and how you do it.
• 1:01
  SPEAKER_00: Parenting is hard.
• 1:04
  SPEAKER_00: There's no secret about that, right?
• 1:06
  SPEAKER_00: Parenting can be really hard.
• 1:07
  SPEAKER_00: And while you're navigating divorce or resetting your life afterwards, reorganising your family afterwards, parenting can be even harder.
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_00: Your emotions are high, they're raw, there's pain and anger that might cloud your judgment.
• 1:22
  SPEAKER_00: Communication is tricky, right?
• 1:25
  SPEAKER_00: It's often one of the reasons you're getting divorced because you struggle to communicate, you're not on the same page.
• 1:30
  SPEAKER_00: Conflict and disagreement are all part of that process, right?
• 1:34
  SPEAKER_00: But you and your co-parent are bound together forever by the beautiful children that you share.
• 1:40
  SPEAKER_00: And so you're forced for the love of your kids, for what's in their best interests, to deal with a person that you might actually never want to see again or never want to speak to again.
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_00: And often this unique melting pot makes collaborative and effective and healthy co-parenting actually impossible.
• 2:05
  SPEAKER_00: You can't do it.
• 2:06
  SPEAKER_00: You can't actually co-parent in a way that allows you to hold firm and healthy boundaries and to um limit your interaction with somebody who's perhaps really challenging for you or activating for you.
• 2:23
  SPEAKER_00: So what do you do?
• 2:27
  SPEAKER_00: This is when you uh adopt a parallel parenting model.
• 2:32
  SPEAKER_00: And it might be that you only need to do this for a period of time while things settle down, you settle into a new routine and a new rhythm, and the really heightened emotional state of early phase separation, divorce, and organizing family life afterwards, maybe that settles down a little bit and enables you both to step back into a more collaborative co-parenting type style.
• 3:01
  SPEAKER_00: But let's talk about what parallel parenting is and how it works.
• 3:07
  SPEAKER_00: So, parallel parenting is where parents co-parent, you don't actually co-parent, you parent but in a way that allows you to disengage from one another.
• 3:18
  SPEAKER_00: So you might have limited direct or face-to-face contact or interaction.
• 3:23
  SPEAKER_00: It's really useful if you are sharing care of your children but finding it really difficult to interact, to communicate calmly, to maintain your own nervous system regulation, and you can't problem solve together.
• 3:39
  SPEAKER_00: So it helps ex-partners disconnect from one another while still enabling both of you to remain fully connected and present and available to children.
• 3:50
  SPEAKER_00: So major life decisions, you know, living arrangements, health, education, religion, those kind of big ticket decisions are made jointly with both parents having equal input.
• 4:03
  SPEAKER_00: And this is often done in mediation of some sort, whether with a mediator or with lawyers or with a coach.
• 4:12
  SPEAKER_00: So you agree on those big ticket items and how life's going to look and feel for your kids in a global type way.
• 4:21
  SPEAKER_00: So, as I said, that's often done with the support of an independent third party, an independent specialist.
• 4:28
  SPEAKER_00: So the big ticket items around parenting are often set out, negotiated in early in the process, and outlined in some form of parenting plan, right?
• 4:40
  SPEAKER_00: The routine day-to-day parenting decisions are made independently by whichever parent the child is with at the time.
• 4:48
  SPEAKER_00: So bedtime, screen time, activities, school lunches, food choices, all those things in a parallel parenting model are made independently by the parent that the child is with at the time.
• 5:01
  SPEAKER_00: So it's sort of your house, your rules, the other parent's house, their rules.
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_00: And you don't get terribly involved with what is happening for your children in their other home.
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_00: This type of model, parallel parenting model, actually shields children from conflict.
• 5:19
  SPEAKER_00: It shields them from much of the conflict that can exist between their parents and it protects and preserves their relationship with both of you, with both of their parents.
• 5:30
  SPEAKER_00: It prevents kids being stuck or placed or jammed between their parents, especially when there are relatively high levels of conflict or dysfunctional communication.
• 5:44
  SPEAKER_00: Children get in this model to maintain a really strong and healthy relationship with both of their parents outside of the conflict and the difficulty that the adults experience with one another.
• 5:56
  SPEAKER_00: So it really does center and place the children first.
• 6:00
  SPEAKER_00: Co-parenting is by comparison much more collaborative and it requires a commitment to spending time and energy as parents together, coming to agreements about daily routines, as well as those bigger parenting issues, but it also necessit is, you know, there's necessarily interactions on the fly, right?
• 6:24
  SPEAKER_00: Things shift and change.
• 6:25
  SPEAKER_00: So if you are co-parenting, you need to be in not constant communication, but regular communication with the with your children's other parent.
• 6:35
  SPEAKER_00: And in a high conflict situation where it is actually difficult for one or both of the adults, one of you, to maintain that calm, respectful communication, especially when in front of the children, a parallel parenting model can be really supportive and really effective.
• 6:54
  SPEAKER_00: So let's talk practicalities.
• 6:56
  SPEAKER_00: How does parallel parenting work?
• 6:59
  SPEAKER_00: It works in so far as there is minimal interaction between the parents.
• 7:05
  SPEAKER_00: Changeovers might take place in a neutral space at school or childcare, or it might be a more sort of walk-in-walk-out type arrangement.
• 7:15
  SPEAKER_00: Dad arrives, kids say goodbye to mum, kids walk out the door to the car, mum might walk out with some stuff in the car, there's minimal interaction.
• 7:23
  SPEAKER_00: Mum waves goodbye, and the same happens in reverse, right?
• 7:27
  SPEAKER_00: Parents share in a parallel parenting model, parents share information about what's happening in the child's life, events, stuff that's going on, and each makes their own decision or arrangements about that, whether to attend, whether to not attend.
• 7:44
  SPEAKER_00: And that it can be frustrating if you know that there's a birthday party or an event and it is on your other the other parent's time.
• 7:53
  SPEAKER_00: You don't get you don't get a say, you don't get to control that time or that space.
• 7:57
  SPEAKER_00: It is their time with the child, it's their parenting time, it's their decision.
• 8:02
  SPEAKER_00: So there can be some frustrations about this model, but also equally, depending on your relationship with their other parent, you know, you might let parent know that you know there's a concert or an event or whatever it is, a school or a sporting event on for your child, certain day, date, time might be your time.
• 8:24
  SPEAKER_00: The other parent gets to decide whether they're attending or whether they're not, right?
• 8:29
  SPEAKER_00: Communication is often in a parallel in a real true parallel parenting model, it's often limited to a written form, an email or via parenting app.
• 8:39
  SPEAKER_00: And this is to number one, limit the amount of communication and limit the interaction, the back and forth, and it is helpful in diffusing or minimizing conflict disagreement.
• 8:53
  SPEAKER_00: It's also kept communication is kept on topic about the children only, pretty business-like, factual, um, devoid of emotion.
• 9:02
  SPEAKER_00: It is purely informative.
• 9:04
  SPEAKER_00: What's happening for the children, logistics, etc.
• 9:06
  SPEAKER_00: etc.
• 9:07
  SPEAKER_00: So if you're communicating in a parenting, sorry, a parallel parenting model, you would keep it to the bif type method.
• 9:15
  SPEAKER_00: Brief, informative, friendly, fair, firm, firm, fair, fair.
• 9:20
  SPEAKER_00: Um, so in this model, the kids have two houses, two routines, two sets of rules, right?
• 9:25
  SPEAKER_00: Parents stay relatively uninvolved in what happens at the other home, and of course, neglect or abuse is an entirely different matter, of course, of course, but generally what goes on at the other parent's house is not your business.
• 9:40
  SPEAKER_00: And the flip side of that, of course, is what goes on in your house, in your home, when the children are with you, is not actually openly or directly communicated with the other parent, or the other parent doesn't actually have uh a say or control, right?
• 9:55
  SPEAKER_00: And for many families, this arrangement means the kids take a little while to adjust or readjust to each space because, particularly if the rules and routines are quite different in each home that they have, so it just takes a little while for them to drop back into coming back into your space or going to the other parent's space, so they can be a little bit unsettled after each transition, and this does tend to ease up over time with time and maturity, right?
• 10:26
  SPEAKER_00: And regularity.
• 10:28
  SPEAKER_00: The kids just get to know dad's house, dad's rules, mum's house, mum's rules, and that with time the transitions become, I guess, less challenging for them.
• 10:37
  SPEAKER_00: They know it's predictable, right?
• 10:40
  SPEAKER_00: A real parallel parenting model is also built on the assumption and trust that both both children, both parents, actually have the children's best interest at heart, but choose different styles of parenting.
• 10:54
  SPEAKER_00: One's not right, one's not wrong, it's just different.
• 10:57
  SPEAKER_00: You don't have control or say about what happens in the other house, just as your co-parent has no say about what happens when your child is being parented by you.
• 11:06
  SPEAKER_00: Each of you accepts that your co-parent or the other parent, I should say, is doing his or her best, and if you can't actually uh accept or you don't believe that they're doing their best, just accept that it's near enough, good enough.
• 11:21
  SPEAKER_00: It might not be the way you would do it or the way you would want it done, but if it's safe, it's okay, right?
• 11:28
  SPEAKER_00: After all, it's not about you, it's about the kids.
• 11:31
  SPEAKER_00: So are the kids safe, happy, healthy, well?
• 11:33
  SPEAKER_00: Are they being well cared for, intended, even if it looks different to what happens at your place?
• 11:38
  SPEAKER_00: Accept that, go with it.
• 11:40
  SPEAKER_00: So, what are the benefits of parallel parenting?
• 11:43
  SPEAKER_00: Well, firstly, kids get to be kids.
• 11:46
  SPEAKER_00: The kids get to be kids and not involved in the grown-up's conflict or dysfunction or inability to calmly, collaboratively, compassionately communicate, right?
• 11:58
  SPEAKER_00: They get isolated from that conflict that exists between their parents and they can move easily, freely between two loving homes without carrying the adult stuff, the adult emotional baggage with them.
• 12:13
  SPEAKER_00: So kids get to be kids.
• 12:15
  SPEAKER_00: Number two, it actually reduces stress in both parents and in the kids.
• 12:21
  SPEAKER_00: Less conflict, less interaction, less engagement, less you know, unhealthy or dysfunctional engagement means less stress for everyone because the kids feel it, they see it, they know it, right?
• 12:34
  SPEAKER_00: They live it, even if you try hard to protect them from it.
• 12:38
  SPEAKER_00: So limited interaction between the two of you means the kids can also experience less stress.
• 12:45
  SPEAKER_00: A parallel parenting model also really focuses on the needs of the children.
• 12:52
  SPEAKER_00: The wants and needs of the parents are secondary to those of the kids.
• 12:57
  SPEAKER_00: So you're pulling yourself out of the situation and really focusing on, okay, what's in the best interest of these children or this child, and that is a stress-free, conflict-free family.
• 13:11
  SPEAKER_00: It also allows, and I've said this before, it also allows your children to maintain a really positive and healthy relationship with both parents.
• 13:21
  SPEAKER_00: You know, there's no good, good cop, bad cop, the kids aren't stuck in between two parents they love equally, so everybody wins here, right?
• 13:30
  SPEAKER_00: The kids don't have to choose a side.
• 13:33
  SPEAKER_00: And often as time passes and the dust settles on some of the big emotions and conflict, the parallel parenting model morphs and changes and allows you as parents to eventually naturally morph into a more cooperative co-parenting style.
• 13:56
  SPEAKER_00: It doesn't always happen that way, but regularly I see clients sort of soften into the new way of their family or the new way of being a family, and as some of the wounds heal and the work is done and the dust settles, then you can actually become a little more collaborative with your other parent.
• 14:19
  SPEAKER_00: And this is actually made possible by spending some time in a parallel parenting model when each of you sort of maintains the parallel parenting agreement, whether that's actually outlined and defined and written down or not, respecting the boundaries and upholding the arrangements that you've agreed upon, you gradually rebuild trust.
• 14:44
  SPEAKER_00: And many parents, not all, but many parents find as time passes they are able to put aside or move through or heal from their feelings of anger, pain, hurt, hostility, whatever it is, and as I said, move more naturally towards a model of parenting that is more collaborative, gradually involving more communication, direct communication between the two of you, negotiation and engagement.
• 15:13
  SPEAKER_00: Now, it doesn't happen for everybody, it's not possible or healthy or good for every family to move from parallel to collaborative or cooperative, but it does happen.
• 15:25
  SPEAKER_00: So if you're in a phase where you just cannot stand to be in the same physical space as the your children's other parent, know that you haven't failed, you haven't done it wrong, you're not doing it, you're not doing badly.
• 15:42
  SPEAKER_00: It might just be a phase that you need to see to move through until you can come to a more a space where you're able to not be so activated, not be so triggered, not feel so hurt, and then you can communicate more clearly, more calmly.
• 16:01
  SPEAKER_00: And also you might not, right?
• 16:03
  SPEAKER_00: You might stay in that parallel parenting model forever.
• 16:07
  SPEAKER_00: I look back on our parenting journey, I was gonna say, on our on the history of our parenting, and I realize that while for the most part we're really collaborative, there were seasons in our parenting where I did have to take a few steps back because it was just too hard to be in constant communication with this person.
• 16:31
  SPEAKER_00: Um and we were in disagreement, we're different camps, you know, and it was a bit of dad's house, dad's rules, mum's house, mum's rules.
• 16:40
  SPEAKER_00: Um, though for us, they were very short seasons, but there were definitely times when emotions were high and I was feeling really challenged by situation where I had to take a step back and be less less collaborative, less cooperative.
• 16:56
  SPEAKER_00: Not cold, not blocking him out, none of that, but just take a few steps back and go, okay, I'm just gonna run with my house, my rules, this is how we're doing this is how we're doing it.
• 17:07
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and also step back out of being so heavily involved with the children with their stuff while when they were with their dad.
• 17:17
  SPEAKER_00: I also found that at times um I needed to step out a little bit to allow the children to really reconnect with their dad because he was gone for long stretches of time.
• 17:29
  SPEAKER_00: So I needed to step back and really allow them space to reconnect as a little unit, you know, the two kids and their dad.
• 17:38
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and me being sort of in and out of their house and really involved with what was happening in his home, in their home with their dad, wasn't actually supportive of their relationship with their dad.
• 17:50
  SPEAKER_00: So there are different reasons and seasons why you might be parallel parenting, not just because it's high conflict or it's difficult for you to be around your kid's other parent.
• 18:02
  SPEAKER_00: And so, if that's where you're sitting, you know, conflict, disagreement, betrayal, hurt, pain, they're all part of divorce, right?
• 18:12
  SPEAKER_00: They're almost certainly inevitable because you're getting divorced for really good reasons, right?
• 18:17
  SPEAKER_00: Or you are divorced for really good reasons.
• 18:20
  SPEAKER_00: So parallel parenting is a way that you can maintain really strong close bonds with your children and also protect them from that adult stuff, from the conflict, from the high emotion.
• 18:35
  SPEAKER_00: And it also can help you begin the healing process that you need to move yourself forward.
• 18:42
  SPEAKER_00: It gives you breathing space, it gives you time and opportunity to start your own personal healing without being constantly activated, triggered by being so closely involved with your ex-partner, who, as I said at the beginning of the episode, you might rather not ever speak to again.
• 19:04
  SPEAKER_00: I hope as always that you've gained something from this episode.
• 19:08
  SPEAKER_00: If you know someone who would be supported to listen to this, please share it with them.
• 19:14
  SPEAKER_00: You know there's a link in the show notes if you would like to book an intro call and discuss having me on your separation, divorce team, or your parenting team afterwards.
• 19:24
  SPEAKER_00: I would love, love to support you.
• 19:26
  SPEAKER_00: Until next time, bye for now.
• 19:30
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Sally Ann Hartnell, divorce coach and strategist, and you've been listening to Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 19:35
  SPEAKER_00: You can follow me on Instagram at Reflect Coaching, and if you can think of anyone who would love or benefit from listening to this episode, please share it with them.
• 19:44
  SPEAKER_00: I'd also be so grateful if you would follow and review the podcast so we can get it in the ears of a whole lot more people just like you who are ready to reclaim and liberate themselves in life and love.
• 19:55
  SPEAKER_00: I hope you'll join me next week for another episode of Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 19:59
  SPEAKER_00: Until then