Latest / The D Shift / You Are Not Broken And You Don’t Need To Be Fixed

Transcript

You Are Not Broken And You Don’t Need To Be Fixed · The D Shift

• 0:05
  Mardi Winder-Adams: Welcome to the D shift podcast, where we provide inspiration, motivation and education to help you transition from the challenges of divorce to discover the freedom and ability to live life on your own terms. Are you ready? Let's get the shift started. Hi, and welcome to the Dave Schiff Podcast. Today, we have a really interesting guest who's a little bit different than other people we've had on the show. And I think Richard really brings a unique perspective to maybe some of our relationship basics. So I would like to introduce and it's my pleasure to introduce Richard Morden. He is a certified EFT and NLP practitioner. So that's kind of an interesting title. And a lot of people that are listening probably aren't familiar with those terms. So, Richard, thank you again, for being on the podcast, I am going to turn it over to you to explain. Um, E, F, T and NLP, I can't even get it right. And also to talk a little bit about what brought you here and how you got involved in this really fascinating area.
• 1:17
  Richard Morden: Thank you, Mardi. It's a pleasure to be here. EFT stands for emotional freedom technique, commonly known as tapping and it's really acupressure on the meridians, the body has 12 meridians, we're using 10 acupressure points to to activate the energy systems in your body and to access the memories, your body is the holder of your emotional story. And that's another, you know, won't go any deeper now, but it's how we, how we hold our memories in place and how what happens over time when we have this now explain why in a second NLP is neuro linguistic programming has been around for a long time. And it's language patterns is how we see our map of the world and, and you know, it's been around, it's very deep. I've been studying pretty intensely for several years and very inactive. And you can spend your entire life focusing on a few small components of NLP. So it's a fascinating journey. I love to understand myself and then obviously apply it in my own life. How I get to this was just fortuitously I found EFT through Nick and Jessica Ortner. event online, and it just happened to be in for a few months before my wife unfortunately, passed through a brain aneurysm. So a sudden passing. And suddenly, I'm a single father with two kids. So I was using the videos I said, I need to help processes grief, and I was helping just from what I saw online, it was I was feeling a little bit better. Because I unconsciously somehow, we always will seem to be having a bit mental self care for my children to be present with them. And I and I can explain why later. But why that was such a drive fee. But I focused on that I can start using those videos. And I eventually found a course a couple months later on a couple hours away from me. And I took the three day course. And I thought okay, this will be a good one to help me process what had just happened in the past, my wife was even brought up during the course I had some other deeper traumatic memories that came through me that were I had no recollection of, and I thought, wow, that was so powerful. What else is there that's, that's not allowing me to be present. You know, and I just kept and I just thought I really focused on self care. And as we were sort of directed with the FDA as well. And I took the course again in April of 2000. The next year 2014 with a master trainer, Nancy Forrest, who has been my coach to this day took 10 months of training with her because she was also an active psychotherapist at the time, and really focused on how I can work with myself in ways that but also how I can work with others. And that's where I brought into helping other people. Because how many people are out there like me, you have these memories that are unconsciously staring us because of these events that we have no idea why we're having all these things show up in our life like this.
• 4:07
  Mardi Winder-Adams: And I think that that's really, first of all commendable that you reached out to get self care and make that a priority at that very traumatic time. And again, I'm sorry for the loss of your wife. And I think that that's something that a lot of my audience maybe misses. And that's why I really try to focus on divorce as a transition point. And you need to give yourself time to heal and recover. And one of the things that doesn't happen if people don't do that, and don't kind of deal with all this background stuff, is exactly what your area of expertise is, is is why we tend to recreate unhealthy relationship patterns over and over again. And I always like to say I know this is a little bit sexist, but this is mostly a female audience. So I'm going to say it anyhow, it's like why are Girls always Why are women always attracted to the bad boys? Or why are they attracted to somebody who is a fixer up partner? And of course men do the same thing. I'm not saying that's exclusively women. So what can is there an E? Is there a EFT or NLP? Kind of theory or reason? Or can you just share why those kinds of relationship patterns keep happening again?
• 5:25
  Richard Morden: Well, it's not even that it's there's this term called adult child syndrome, and splits 80% of the population that has when we're children from zero to seven, we're on record. We are it is the foundation of our emotional and mental wellness and how we view the world because we unconsciously pick up patterns, you know, through our families through generations and their behavior. And as children, we're always we're always seeking safety and how to make that connection. So as a child, depending on our parents relationship, we've developed strategies as a child, you know, what, what makes us safe, how to get attention? How do we get love, you know, and again, so are many of us grew up with, well, if I am a good person, and I do all these extra things, and I help and help and help us, just children, we bring that into the adult world. This is where we get caught in over serving. You know, we're giving ourselves away and many people in bless us, those people, they're they're going professionals like that. But they give themselves away in such a vast amount. There's nothing left for them. And it backfires. We think well, if I do all these extra things, people respect me and we get stomped on. Why? Because we give ourselves away, we there's no boundaries. And then the rescue part is obviously we get somebody Oh, I can help this person, I can fix them. And boy, is that a disaster? We get caught in that men and women, you know, I can help this person. And we, I say if my thing, there's 10 things in a relationship, and we have three in common. Okay, good, I can help them and help we get the restaurant and nothing changes, right? We get caught with those three things. And that's another common one. I like to challenge which we have these things in common. That's a trap. It's because it's not about what your common which what can you create, right, not takes two people.
• 7:12
  Mardi Winder-Adams: And that's, that's what I it's interesting. Because when I work with people, I always say, you know, all those things that they do that are so quirky, and different and interesting, they're really cute for about 18 months, and then after that, they're just going to piss you off, it's just going to be nothing but going downhill from there. Because you know, if they're 40 years old, and they leave the toilet seat up, it's very unlikely you're going to change it or if they're 40 years old, and or if you're 40 years old, and you come home and you expect the house to be spotless, and you've got kids and pets and a new partner and that's not happening. That's not really their fault. That's maybe you having those expectations. So let's say we've got well not let's say we do have these patterns, how do we recognize if we're in a loop? I'm just gonna call it a loop for lack of a better word. But how do we know if we're repeating the patterns? Can we sense that? Are we blind to that?
• 8:10
  Richard Morden: Well, that's your unconscious okay, because we are 95% unconscious and it weighs our conscious mind. We conscious mind is brought up scientifically, we receive about 2000 bits of information per second information per second, one second. So we only we only recognize this as the NLP part. 175 And that's our map of the world that we form as a as a child. The unconscious gets about 6 million per second. And again, it's all our history so unconsciously we can it's what's driving the bus I call it the tip of the pen and it's but we're on the front of the bus the bus is still running the show. And again what we see is what's familiar even dangerous stuff is swaying if we grew up in a family where you know our parents had certain demand dynamics your mother was you know maybe a passive aggressive and Father Father was like a you know maybe in our cystic and it happens right these are really tough situations grew up in we're attracted to the same thing whether we like it or not because it's familiar to our unconscious and we get caught in the same trap it starts out we want something different but it just doesn't feel right it feels off you know the nice guys finish last thing the bad boy shows up because it's fair because that's what our dad was like maybe he was a partier like a drinker. You know, and I'm not putting the parents down but this what this is what we all do sure that that's familiar so we get caught out again because the other the the new guy there nice guy is not familiar doesn't feel right you know and it's because it's our unconscious right so with the EFT non NLP, we can uncover what the unconscious belief is, and help with a reframe. And that's like I said, I lost my wife. She was a lovely guy. We had our challenges. I spent four years on my own I that I'd never I've never dated I've great coffee friends. But I did a lot of work because I knew I wanted something different. Yeah. And that relationship I wrote a year later on after my wife passed on paper had 50 words on it. And that's the relationship I had today because I knew what that felt like. And that was different than what I had been exposed to.
• 10:17
  Mardi Winder-Adams: Okay. Well, that's and that's very powerful. So let's, would you be able to tell us how to use EFT like, how does that actually work to create the change? I know you said it was tapping. But I'm wondering if you could give sort of a simplified version of of what that might look like and how it actually affects that subconscious bringing stuff forward and being able to process it.
• 10:44
  Richard Morden: So that what would train it really with EFT analogy Broadway called Conscious EFT and a whole point of safety. Now, what we've been trained is in the last wave for all types of what I call Kara's digging up the past, you know, going into all those traumatic events unfortunate what what that's made a lot of therapists and counselors rich because there's always another problem shows up. And we're always dealing with a behavior or behaviors at the end of the road, because we have a value. Every value has up to 100 beliefs every belief has up to 80 behavior. So recycling and behaviors, you know, so and digging up the painful stuff again, we it's it's hard on the person is hard on the counselor. So where we are now with EFT and the tapping is we're dealing with present time, I'm creating a safe place for you emotionally by using the meridian points. And creating this space of change you because your higher self knows what parts you need to change to perhaps something different. But in there, we find the core beliefs, you know, I'm not enough I need to do or how I need to do this to feel myself safe people who are what I call obsessive and how things are happening around the house. How is that inner child who were they had to constantly arrange things or have constant have to do things in order to feel safe, right to have to organize and structure and that that pattern comes into relationships? You know, if something's out of place, they run over and they got to fix it. But I'm dealing with the now and what is the problem? Now? What is it the belief now that you know, we can work with an accent? So we're always acknowledging the problem first, okay, that's our truth, no matter what it is what you know, that's our truth in the moment. You know, so we do the Tapi line, you know, I feel like I can't communicate or I'm, I'm always I'm always disappointing myself disappointing people. You know, how many of us grew up like God were We were a disappointment. We just, you know, work on we tap on that, because it's not a real truth underneath underneath for all the same, we're not broken. We've put a lot of stories at the top a lot, a lot of BS, that's double edge, but belief system and the other word as well.
• 12:53
  Mardi Winder-Adams: You can say it, it's okay. Just kidding.
• 12:57
  Richard Morden: But it piles on, right. And we're carrying all these things we grew up with in our family tree. We're carrying all that. So let's return to that and manage in real life. I feel like I'm a disappointment. I feel like I'm not enough. I'm not worthy. I don't deserve this, you know, or everything. I try and do something I'm wrong. How many of us grew up like, you know, I grew up with a really really hypercritical father and I watched my siblings. I mean, you never knew if you're doing the right thing, because he was just like, always on your shoulder just Barca. So you grew up, you think everything is nothing that can do is right or good enough. And if you have a type of person that always needs that external confirmation, you're always going to find the wrong kind of confirmation. That was wrong. That was wrong. Right?
• 13:40
  Mardi Winder-Adams: So it's like we're looking through a lens that pre determines what we're going to see is really what it is right? Yes. Yeah. So the and can you explain a little bit about what meridians are just for people that may not be aware of this at all? I have used to chapping I had a mindset coach who used it. It's phenomenal. It really, really works. I know it sounds a little woowoo and out there, but boy does it work. So I'm going to I'm going to tell you that because I am not that I'm not that kind of person. In other words, that's not my go to thing but I'm convinced that EFT is is. And I know a lot of therapists use it. So I know it's not just you know a subset of people that use it. It's professionals are using it lots of people. So can you talk a little bit about the meridians and what they how they regulate sort of our subconscious our processing or
• 14:33
  Richard Morden: the nervous system, the meridian system, it actually came from this Chinese acupressure technique they recruited several 1000 years ago. So if you look at the chart, I mean it's filled with all these lines and they would put needle points and all well. Gary Craig back in I think late 80s learned about 10 points hitting all the meridians just by you know the top of the head center the eyebrow side of the eye and I don't have them all memorized exactly where they are. I don't need to I'm more concerned in my language my in my connection to the person but so we don't have to know all these things we just an even a for close because it's really intentional. You know how this works so when you're tapping that so just just putting pressure now as you're activating your energy down into your body wherever those energy or emotions are stored on sad grief historic lungs anger and deliver you know that there abouts like that again we don't have to know exactly because people say I don't know what I can't use it. And I I give people you know, I teach them how I teach them how to finger tap as well because the same radius went to your hands. And we unconsciously do this when we're nervous. Some people sit there like this, you know, and we our tap her fingers like that we don't realize we're activating our meridians, right. You know, people do these massages to big points in here like that. So and we tend to do this when we're when we're nervous young hold our head and some Cisco things. So we do unconsciously so it's we do it anyway. And so it's interesting I esthetician you should it didn't realize when she was working on people's fingernails, she was activating the meridians. She was learning this at the same time and couldn't figure out why they all started talking and talking and talking about she was doing literally counseling work on no unknowingly work with him. So you're just whatever you want to stress here is you don't have to have a knowledge of this. So to help yourself just doing this on your own. I teach the finger tapping so people can do this on your own. So when because it starts to regulate, meaning calming your nervous system down. Just just like it's like emotional fitness. This is like so doing this way that lowers your cortisol starts to regulate your nervous system, your vagus nerve. And you don't that's all you need to know.
• 16:46
  Mardi Winder-Adams: Yeah. Yeah, that's fantastic. And, and like I say, it really does work. I mean, you could I know with with my NLP training, a lot of times you'll have people imagine a really positive event in their life and they use like a finger pressure. And you keep every time you feel that positive, you do that that finger pressure, and it it pairs in your I guess in your subconscious. And then when you're in a stressful time you press you do that, that positive finger, whatever whatever you've trained yourself, and you will actually feel yourself relaxed. And that's all you're doing. But I'm guessing you're also working on your meridian when you're using your fingers as well then, so it kind of has that dual thing. So So I think you've taught this has been really exciting. Like this, to me is super exciting. So tell me about how you use this process to make a change in your your relationship picker part of your body like how do you how do you how are you able to open up your ability to see the potential and more in healthier and more positive partners then maybe following falling back into a cycle of repeating a negative relationship?
• 17:58
  Richard Morden: It's fine. It's when we're doing the topic and we're talking about perhaps, you know how, what these partners are to them incense. How energetically there's an attachment will work with trying to find the energy in your body. Whereas when you're and this is takes time, so not everybody has a sense of because we're so disassociated from our body. So when I was coming home, and so where do you feel that, you know, when you look at this partner, and what happens is you start to Okay, does this familiar with anyone else? And they might say, yeah, that was that's how I felt with my dad. You know, that same energy, a quick sidestripe When I worked on boss was micromanaging one time. And I did the work the energy when I really was was my dad's energy. But he wasn't a micromanager. He was just as big as authority figure. And that's what happens when times we don't realize how we're unconsciously picking these right and may represent a past event or someone in our life and that when I changed my energy about them, my boss, we had a different relationship. And I never had a conversation, I changed my energy and my relationship with my boss changed 180 degrees. Now that was really dramatic. But I mean, this is a power we have. If I have a I like to set people imagine the person in front of them that they owe the relationship. And then we work on the energy to sort of normalize the energy flow. So you know, especially if it's been a contrast or conflict like that, that now we get a chance to have new energy for a new relationship, a new engagement with people. It's not the old thing showing up because it's again, we're unconsciously dicta to Joe Dispenza as your body's record of the past, and it'll keep repeating itself day after day. Because if you don't do anything different,
• 19:40
  Mardi Winder-Adams: yeah, yeah. Well, so how long? And I know you I heard you say that different people are more attuned to this. And I really believe that a lot of this mindfulness work that is being promoted across corporate America, corporate candidate corporate world is really on I'm tapping into people getting more attuned with their intuition, their connection with others, their own sense of safety and security and how they relate to others. So, some people are, there's a lot of different ways that people are approaching us. But how long would you say most people work with you for, to kind of clear that net those negative energy patterns or to align their energies more positively, or their ability to see relationships more positively, what's kind of a typical timeframe that people would look at
• 20:34
  Richard Morden: three to six months, three months, just gives a foundation and I'm not wanting to wants to have somebody for a long time. No disrespect, because I'm about helping you change as fast as you can. But as ethically as you can, to to have something different. Yeah. So say at least three months, give yourself a foundation of something where you can look at a new phase of life, and sometimes allowing you to have that space, because depending on on how fast you want things to happen. So that space allows a new a new foundation. Because we are guilty of cycling up into these things and cycling back down, I wanted all this work is to give you a new foundation and new perspective. So may not be as you've been through divorce, but having a brand new relationship right away, just creating a relationship and a space. So you can be different and enjoy the things around you what around you that you really is such positive, because we so focused on the negative, they forget all the good things around us, you know, a new divorce See, or get a divorce, maybe this whole time of letting go of the pain that they can really embrace the new relationship with their children and family and establish that foundation. So then eventually, we're going to work on a new relationship we're not so we're not replacing, because we're really good at replacing men and women. Yes, we bring somebody else in. And you know, and boy, this looks great for about two or three weeks. And then we realized we got a bigger pile a newer and a handsome he was had before,
• 22:01
  Mardi Winder-Adams: right? And a lot of times I find too, that people are kind of like, well, I don't want to back out of this relationship I just got out of one, I don't want to be on my own. And so they kind of go well, this isn't great. But hey, it's better than the alternative. Right? So, so I'm going to kind of go forward. So this has been absolutely fantastic. Which you're you have provided so much information? And is there one thing that you would like people kind of top of mind when they leave here to keep in mind or to remember about our conversation?
• 22:36
  Richard Morden: Well, number one, you're not you're not broken. Because the world out there tells you you're broken and we have to fix you that and that's we want to take that away and say we are working with you in a now to just really create something different and safe. That's that's, that's positive for you. And where I help to people is their communication styles, you know, with the NLP and the direct in France and our love languages because I think communication is our biggest problem period. My opinion. And when we look at that on our love language, we think oh, it's about love. It's about how we connect Yes, even as to men to women, that sense of work relationship, how do we give and receive attention to each other? And oftentimes we once we understand that the other and understand what the other person was trying to do. We can work to connect that image look at how you have what connections you have your parents just love language. What connection do you have with your siblings? It's love language. How did you communicate it's communication? Yeah, so we're not broken but if we can bring those two pieces in and look back at all man, I realized now why I wasn't connecting to those people. And how do I do something different in the future and you're never too late. I'm 65 and I'm so embracing this new energy and new space to keep working on improving this on my own relationship, let alone how can I engage with others?
• 23:55
  Mardi Winder-Adams: I love that and I really love that message you are not broken because so many people have that sense you know especially if they've been in a relationship with a narcissist narcissist or they've had you know, a horrific childhood they've had alcoholism or drug abuse in their family they thought well, I you know, I don't have potential so I love love, love that message that you're not broken that that is a big takeaway today. So, Richard, if people are interested in connecting with you finding out more about what you do or maybe even working with you to deal with some of these issues after any kind of traumatic incident it doesn't have to just be divorce it could be as Richard said the loss of a loved one it could be a difficulties in communicating at work or or having relationships with kids or or other family members. How can people reach out to you Richard?
• 24:41
  Richard Morden: Will my link troubIes link be sent there but if you really want to reach out my name is RMORD n@gmail.com Richard Morgan put in in the headline. Maybe the should the title is show counseling or not counseling, I have to be picked off my word choice but you know All emotional support in the link. So I'll see the title of that. But that's my, that's my generic link for people reached out to me then my link to you has my phone number, my whatsapp and send my LinkedIn profile. So a number of ways people can reach out to me as well.
• 25:15
  Mardi Winder-Adams: And that will be in the show notes. We will have that down there for four people. And if you are emailing Richard just put the title, the D Schiff podcast, consulting or emotional support that and thank you for that very generous offer. I really appreciate that. So it has been wonderful having you on this show, Richard and I'd like to thank everybody for listening in and welcome you back to our next episode, which will be on the air next week. Thanks for listening and supporting the gay Schiff podcast. If you would like to attend live trainings by our amazing guests, and have a chance to ask questions and get answers from our experts. Join the D Shift crew. For more details and to sign up, head on over to www dot divorce coach for women and click on the podcast page.