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Why It's More Important Than Ever to Write Your Own Story · Military Broadcast Radio | MBR Talk

0:58
Never need a haircut so that or want to not just learn, but want
1:04
to, but I think that that. Hey boss, I'm gente welcome to
1:19
the motivated by say I'm your host of San Antonio Flores, but
1:22
we'll just keep you to Jose Flores.
1:23
I'm a proud Latina, born and raised in New York City.
1:25
Yay, yay. Straight out of the Bronx,
1:27
raised in Brooklyn up in here. You know what that's that New
1:30
York flavor, that hustle, that grit.
1:32
It shaped me. It builds me and still drives
1:35
Stolo Kyogo today. So I am a combat veteran who
1:38
probably served 30 years in the United States Army.
1:42
And look, before we we get rolling, I want to send out a
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powerful salute to all my veterans, service members and my
1:50
first responders listening mucho repento.
1:53
You already know, because you know, one of the greatest
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blessing of my life was joining the United States Army.
1:59
And you know, the Army just didn't give me a career.
2:02
No, gave me good food too, but that's something else.
2:04
It gave me purpose. They gave me discipline.
2:07
It gave me leadership. I had the honor of serving under
2:10
some great, incredible leaders, men and women, who taught me
2:14
that leadership is not about rank, titles, or power.
2:19
True leadership is about service.
2:21
It's about accountability. It's about inspiring people to
2:25
believe in themselves even when they couldn't see their own
2:29
potential, like I was at 17. I learned that real leaders
2:33
don't just give orders. They coach, they mentor, they
2:37
teach, and they listen. They lead from the front.
2:43
Over the years, I've had the privilege of shaping and
2:46
developing soldiers from all walks of life, young men and
2:50
women searching for the direction como yotaba right
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direction, trying to find confidence, trying to discover
2:57
who they are, who they who they are, who they were.
3:00
And what I realized that that leadership isn't something what
3:03
you do in uniform, it becomes who you are.
3:07
Even today, those lessons still guide me.
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They help me, they show up for people, They help me motivate
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others through struggle. They help me coach, mentor,
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train, and encourage people to push past their limitations and
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become a Pokémon 4th. They become stronger mentally,
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physically, emotionally. It I'm being spiritually that
3:27
spirit of leadership is still alive and throw a look at your
3:30
algo and everything I do. And now in this new chapter in
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my life, I wear a lot of different hat other than this
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cool 1. You like that look, I'm a
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motivational speaker, certified person, a trainer, certified
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media and yes, even an end of life death doula.
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But behind every all those titles I have one mission is to
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serve people because I know what struggle feels like I I know
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what pain feels like and I know that what it means to fight your
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way towards purpose. Tololo Dia Every day my mission
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is simple, to inspire, to uplift, to challenge, to remind
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people that no matter where you started in life, you know, but
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why life throws at you. You can redefine your life
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through faith, discipline, resilience and relentless Dr.
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That's why this park has exists. The motivated mindset is where
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at you. We keep it real here, New York
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fired up. Yay, yay.
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How you doing? Maybe even shed a tear.
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And I don't mean because you're cutting onions, but one thing I
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promise you, you will look stronger when then when you
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first press that play button, because this isn't about
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motivation. It's about transformation.
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And you know, and one last thing before we start, if you vibe
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powerful guests, meaningful conversation and purpose driven
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content straight to you. All right, for me to let's get
5:34
into it. You know, so let's talk about
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who our guest is, who the MAN that means man, right?
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But let me tell you about who we got.
5:44
That's just stupendous. And it's someone whose work is
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helping people rewrite their stories and tell themselves.
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They can move from confusing to clarity, from pain to purpose,
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and from simply surviving who truly live.
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Joining us today is Carlos del Toro, a strategic intervention
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and career coach who specializes in helping people who navigate
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major life transitions and rediscover direction in their
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personal and professional lives. You know, what makes Carlos
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unique is the way he blends deep empathy with practical wisdom,
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drawing from more than a decade of coaching experience, you
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know, and a background and screen writing and story and
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Alice and for over 30 years in public service, he understands
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something powerful. The story we tell ourselves can
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either imprison us or set us free.
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His work, it focuses on helping people reshape that internal
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narrative so they can step into clarity and resilience and
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purpose. Whether someone is facing career
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uncertainty, grief, personal loss, relationship struggles, or
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simply feeling stuck in life, Carlo helps people connect with
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who they are and where they're meant to go.
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His message especially especially resonates with young
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men and if anybody women searching for identity, purpose,
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direction and healthier relationships in today's world.
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We're training and strategic intervention, grief recovery and
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faith-based coaching. Carlos brings that compassion,
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being authentic, right wisdom and grounded leadership into
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every conversation. And today we're going to dive.
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We're going to be diving deep into mindset transformation,
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resilience, purpose and how the power of rewriting your story.
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It makes a difference family. This is going to be a powerful
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1. So saying that they Patras stick
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back lean in Cafe, you know, and we're going to work them welcome
7:38
our guests and go momenta here we go the.
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Interview of the week is brought to you by Jersey Mike's A Sum
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above. Carlos, what's up?
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Hey Jose, how are you today, my friend?
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Hey man, my brother, thank you for being on here.
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We're so excited man, that you are here.
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I'm excited to be here. Thank you for the invitation my.
8:03
Pleasure. So you know, hey, you know,
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let's start with who Carlos is, you know where you from, and let
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people get to know who you are. Absolutely.
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I noted from your introduction that we have a few similarities.
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So I also am am Latino, but I think I, I want to start by
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saying that I am a husband, I'm a father, I'm a grandfather.
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These are all the key people in my life.
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And, and I'm a servant of the most high and the servant of
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everyone out there. So that's basically who I am.
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I'm Puerto di Queno. I'm Puerto Rican.
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I was raised in New York City. I was raised in not in the
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Bronx, so I was raised in Greenpoint, Brooklyn.
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We got that little rivalry going on, but we'll talk about that
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another day. So I was in Greenpoint,
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Brooklyn, and then in my high school years and beyond, I lived
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in Jamaica, Queens. I've worked, as you said, for
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over 30 years in public service, started my career in Washington,
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DC and I worked for the federal government in the early 90s and
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I came to Pennsylvania because I had some plans here.
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I stayed in Pennsylvania with state government for about 16
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years, went back to DC because I hadn't had enough yet.
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So I went back and did that until I retired in February of
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last year. I made all of the, shall I say,
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busyness of what was going on last year and then.
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But but you know, all joking aside, in parallel to all of
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that, mainly from about 2012 forward, I started a journey
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that's lasted up until the present as a life coach and a
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career coach. And we can talk more about that
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a little bit later. I'm also a story analyst and a
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screenwriter and I've been working on that since around
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2015. I'm a grief recovery specialist
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and I'm also a Christian minister and, and I've looked
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for the commonality through all of this and what I think kind of
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unites it all cuz there are a lot of interest here, but I
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think what unites them all is story, right?
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And we can talk more about that. But essentially every human
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being has a story arc similar to the stories you'd see in a movie
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or go through going through a book or even in the song.
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And, and my job is to help people to find their story, if
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they haven't written it yet, completely the way they want it
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to help them to find a way to write it.
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Wow, no, that is, that is, that's a, that's a, that's a
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lot. That's a lot, man.
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But it's it, you're right. It, it, there is a common thread
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there, you know, and in when, when Carlos, when you're not
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wearing that coaching hat, right.
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So what do you do outside of work?
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And you know what? You know that work life balance
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we all try to find? Sure, sure.
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Well, as as you indicated that there are other interests and
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one of the, the most, as I mentioned, in terms of the kind
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of things that I'm doing in my professional life, the screen
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writing, the story analysis is because quite simply, I love
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movies. I always have.
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I love movies. I love good quality television.
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I love a good story. When I was a kid, that was kind
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of my sanctuary, right? When I had problems at home, I
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would camp out in the movie theater pretty much all day
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every, you know, every weekend. And that just developed a love
11:03
in me, a story I love to read. This is one that that probably
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you probably won't hear too often.
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I love to study biblical languages, things like Greek and
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Hebrew and then. And I just love to spend any
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time that I can with my my wife and children and whenever I get
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a chance with my grandchildren so.
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Well, that's, you know, I remember when you talk about
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movies like I'll never forget when, when in Brooklyn, we lived
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in Brooklyn, they started the where they were showing more
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than one, one movie and they had the four.
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So, you know, they didn't have security too good.
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So we used to sneak in to check out Berber.
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I I do. I shouldn't admit that publicly,
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but yeah, I absolutely do. That was a long time ago.
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About the double features. Right.
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Yes, the double features, I don't think.
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People know what that is today is the double features, Yeah.
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Yeah, yeah. No movies impact us, impact us
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so much, you know, and and drive like one of my favorite actors
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is Al Pacino. Yeah.
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He's a method actor, you know, and and probably John Travolta,
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because I used to watch Walking by Carter, but, you know, that's
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something up. But who's it become?
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You know, that is, that is amazing, you know, and we have a
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question from Yvette and she said, why is it more important
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than ever to write your own story?
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My question is, what does rewriting your story actually
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look like in real life, not in theory, but in in practice.
12:26
Thank you. Yeah, Yeah.
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Well, the reason very simply that it's important to write
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your own story is because if you don't write it, someone else is
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going to write it for you, right?
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And that is probably what's happening with many people who
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come to coach to life coaching. They've been operating sort of
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passively based upon scripting that they've received
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essentially from childhood, you know, scripting from parents and
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grandparents and authority figures and teachers and friends
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and the media and everything else around you.
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And by the way, I'm not saying at all that those things aren't
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important. And all of that has its place,
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right? However, ultimately your life is
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your unique life that you alone are going to live, right?
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So if you are just operating based upon what everyone else
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has told you, and I can give you umpteen examples, if you're just
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doing that, you're not possibly fulfilling the kind of things
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that you want to do. Example, someone is told when
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their child not to pursue a certain field because it won't
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make money, right? So, you know, we all know people
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who are artists at a young age and love to draw or they love
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music and tinkering with the guitar or whatever.
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And then when they go and express that to an adult, often
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times in what meaning, right, well-intentioned, it's not any
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kind of nefarious purpose, but sometimes what the child will
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hear is, you know, that's really wonderful.
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That's a great hobby, but you know, you want to go and study
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something that's going to help you earn money and there's
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really no future in that. And then you go and you ask that
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same kid when they're in college or high school age, you say,
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well, what do you want to do when you go forward?
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Well, business. And then you you say, OK, what
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kind of business? I mean, they talk about business
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as if it's just one huge thing, right?
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And they say, well, you know, I don't really know.
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And I said, well, is that what you really want to do?
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Well, I really, really love art, but I, they told me there's,
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there's no money in that. So you immediately squelch that
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desire. So what does it look like in
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real life to help people write their story is helping them in
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many cases rediscover, right? Not necessarily discover, but
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rediscover something that was lost in the past because of all
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the scripting and people telling you what you can and cannot do.
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And then trying to find what those interests are, what those
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passions are, what those values that you hold already are, so
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that you can pursue those things moving forward in a way that's
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more fulfilling and satisfying for you.
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No, that's a stupendous. You know, when you mentioned
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about how we were brung up and what gets put in our minds, you
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know, like binders, OK, what you cannot blind what the binders is
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it the the what you put on horses?
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Like all you see is because of what you've been given.
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You know exactly, exactly what. And and I tell you, Carlos, when
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I joined the army, it was like going from Earth to Mars, like a
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whole new world. And that's something I was used
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to. So that what you just said makes
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perfect sense. And and it's not that and it's
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not that those things aren't important, right?
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What I'm saying it's like those those things are important and
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you need to hear all of it. But if you're making your life
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decisions only based upon what everyone else is saying,
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ultimately they're not the ones that have to make the decisions
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and choose the things that are going to hold them in place for
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the next 20-30 forty years. I mean, think about people who,
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and I've experienced this, experienced this myself.
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You wake up, you you can follow a career.
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And I don't want to say totally that that's happened to me, but
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I'm just giving you an example. You know, 20-30 years down the
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line, you follow a career and maybe that's good money and
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maybe you have some place to go every day and you're
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contributing and you're adding value.
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But you wake up and you're wondering, is this really what I
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want to do with the rest of my life?
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And maybe it's something that you really would never have
15:58
chosen for yourself in the beginning, but because of
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circumstance or economics or other reasons that don't really
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have to do with your internal feelings about that thing.
16:07
And I don't want to say feelings, but your internal
16:09
desires. That's right, right?
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You, you, you, you take an entire pathway that is not
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really aligned with what you had intended really to do.
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And I think that it's important to recognize that.
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And it's never really too late to make those kind of changes.
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Yeah. And we have a question from Liz
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that says, what is the very first tactical step someone
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takes to start rewriting their story?
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You know what should they do if. Yeah, I think the very first
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thing that you need to do is you need to identify, well, you need
16:40
to identify what it is that you actually want, right?
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Because it's I'm so obvious, it's almost offensive.
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But a lot of people when you ask them, well, what do you want to
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do? They don't really know because
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they spent sometimes years, decades even doing what they
16:55
really didn't care to do or didn't really think about doing.
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So the first thing to know is, well, what is it that I really
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want? And there are ways that there's
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strategies that you can use to determine that.
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And then once you know what you want, then you want to start
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identifying some limiting beliefs that have kept you from
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following that path. And then you could come up with
17:15
strategies to go ahead and meet it.
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But the very first tactical step is just to really, you know,
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it's the really obvious one, right?
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Identify what it is that you want.
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Yeah, yeah, sometimes that, you know, even even after I got out
17:28
the Army, that is so. And and if you talk to a lot of
17:30
military members, you ask them, they're they're lost.
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We've been used to being in this, in this protective bubble.
17:37
And then you've been doing this, whether you've done one term or
17:39
another, what you want to do. And it's it's hard.
17:41
It really is. Absolutely.
17:44
Absolutely correct. No, absolutely correct.
17:46
We have another question for Maria and she says what is the
17:50
first question someone should ask them, say when they feel
17:52
stuck professionally? You may have answered some of
17:55
that, but that was a question I got from Maria.
17:57
That's OK well, if you feel if you feel stuck, the first thing
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I would actually ask is what do you mean by I, I don't know, not
18:04
asking you right now. I'm saying do you ask the person
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what do you mean by stuck? So much of, of coaching and we
18:11
can talk specifically about what coaching is later, but what what
18:15
will happen is that we and we use terminology that we don't
18:20
necessarily understand. And words mean things, right?
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Vocabulary is incredibly important.
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So the kind of words that you use are going to dictate what
18:31
your future's going to look like.
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So if you say I'm stuck, one of the first things I would ask as
18:36
a coach is what exactly do you mean by stuck?
18:39
Well, I'm stuck, you know, personally, that's my, that's
18:41
probably how they'll react. I'm just stuck.
18:42
I'm not moving anywhere. Well, what, what would it take
18:45
to get you unstuck? What does stuck look like?
18:47
What does unstuck look like? And then you start teasing that
18:51
out and helping that person identify because sometimes they
18:54
may not be necessarily, for example, stuck.
18:56
Maybe there is something, there's a barrier in their way,
18:59
or maybe there's a challenge that they haven't been able to
19:01
overcome. That could be a simple thing
19:03
that if you get that thing out of the way, then they have a
19:05
clear pathway to move forward because.
19:08
And I guess the main point that I want to make with that is that
19:11
a lot of times victory is a lot closer than we think.
19:15
You know, Tony Robbins, who's one of my main teachers is, is,
19:19
is fond of talking about what he calls a, a membrane.
19:22
And a lot of times the success that we that we want to achieve
19:26
is just beyond that membrane. And that may be like a 2mm
19:29
membrane, but sometimes from our vantage point, it looks like
19:33
something that is just insurmountable and uncrossable,
19:36
right? But if you realize that success
19:38
is just a little, you just push a little bit more, right?
19:41
If you, if you don't consider yourself stuck as if you have no
19:45
agency in the matter. If you're not, if you understand
19:48
that you're able to achieve a lot more than you think you are,
19:50
you can push past that membrane and then success is waiting
19:54
around on the other side. So that's the first thing I I
19:56
try to do is clarify language and help that person to use more
20:00
empowering. In language rather than the
20:02
language that keeps you. No, that that is, that is
20:06
absolutely correct on some of those things.
20:09
We're going to take a quick one minute break, show a commercial
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that we're going to come back from.
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I've tried it like a lot of you. That's some good stuff.
20:54
So the question we got from Stephanie was I, it says I've
20:59
guessed you've helped people across private industry, federal
21:02
government and state government. What patterns do you see in
21:05
people who feel lost or disconnected from their career
21:09
path? Yeah, that's a great question.
21:12
And I, I, and I think what I want to focus on there is the
21:15
word people, right? Because whether it's private
21:18
industry, federal government, state government, any other
21:22
venue, the, the, the, the commonality in all of this is,
21:25
is people and people have specific needs.
21:29
And there's an actual, there are many models, but there's one
21:31
model in particular that I often use, which is something that
21:35
comes from Tony Robbins. It's, it's referred to as the
21:37
six human needs. And you know, in coaching, just
21:41
to explain there, there are different strategies that you
21:44
can use and different models that you can use.
21:46
And the six human needs is 1 strategy.
21:48
And notice that it says 6 human needs, right?
21:52
It's not cultural, it's not ethnic, it's not any of those
21:55
things. It's not based on position
21:57
status. It's based upon any or industry.
22:00
It's based upon if you are human being and you have human needs.
22:03
I won't go into the details of that right now, but the patterns
22:07
that you're describing would be found within the context of a
22:11
model like that where you identify what's important to
22:14
people. And you're gonna find people who
22:16
feel disconnected because of not being able to do certain things
22:21
that are related to their skill sets that they possess at the
22:26
deepest levels. You're gonna find common
22:29
language that people use, like stuck or, you know, metaphors
22:34
that they use, like I'm at the end of my rope or something of
22:38
that nature. And you, you.
22:39
And that's going to be universal regardless of what industry
22:42
they're coming from. You're going to see people who
22:45
are limited in terms of their understanding of what categories
22:48
of jobs there are out there, what kind of opportunities are
22:50
available. So they've only been looking at
22:52
things sort of in a, in a very direct way without understanding
22:56
the, the, the potential to do similar things.
22:59
They think in other words, but differently.
23:01
They think that there's only one way to get what it is that
23:03
they're trying to achieve. So one of the exercises I would
23:06
go through with a person like that is something called mind
23:11
mapping, where you identify several different interests that
23:14
they have and then help them find different combinations of
23:17
how they could potentially do that thing to achieve what it is
23:20
that they truly want. So if they're thinking, well,
23:23
the only way that I could do this is by getting this type of
23:26
position. It's, it's likely not true.
23:28
They're probably many ways that they could that can achieve that
23:31
because what they're not understanding is that it's not
23:34
the specifics of the job of the occupation.
23:37
It is the thing that they're looking for to do.
23:40
In other words, is IT service that that really motivates them?
23:43
Is it, is it helping people? Is it, you know, is it doing
23:48
something with their hands and building something?
23:51
That's the thing that is going to actually lead them to
23:54
satisfaction. And there are many ways that you
23:56
can do that to get to that point.
23:58
So I'm I hope I didn't go too far around the block, but if you
24:01
need more on that let me know. No, no.
24:02
And and that's interesting, you know, with everything you said
24:05
because it sounds similar like to, to other professions.
24:08
So like what is life coaching and how is it different from
24:11
other other professors such as learning psychologists,
24:15
psychiatrist, therapist, counselors in Consul, you know,
24:19
how is that different for what you do?
24:21
So people can kind of, you know, separate.
24:23
Yeah, great. Great question.
24:24
I'm so glad you asked that. So coaching has been around for
24:29
decades, at least three decades, but it wasn't called coaching in
24:34
the sense that it called that. Now that's more of a within the
24:36
last decade, decade and a half, people have started referring to
24:39
it as coaching or life coaching. It comes from the idea of like
24:44
you would think of sports coaching, all right, where with
24:47
a, with a sports coach, what, what happens?
24:49
Let's say someone who's a batting coach, you're going to
24:52
essentially have a person who's very skilled come alongside the
24:56
person who's having problems and help them to identify skills or
25:02
parts of those skills that need a little bit of extra work or
25:04
improvement. In other words, they already
25:06
have the skill, they just need to tweak it, fine tune it so
25:10
that they can get to peak performance and the coach will
25:13
help them do that, whether it's batting or pitching or throwing
25:16
a football or whatever it may be.
25:18
So extending that same metaphor to the world of mental health
25:23
and behavioral health, a life coach is someone who comes
25:25
alongside a person essentially and helps them to identify where
25:30
they are in life with regard to things like relationships and
25:34
health and finances and a bunch of other things in in life.
25:38
And then you find out where they are, where it is that they want
25:41
to be, and what the gap is and why is the gap there.
25:46
And then you help them essentially using skill sets
25:49
that they already have, that they already come with built in.
25:52
Basically, you help them to bridge the gap between where
25:55
they are and where they want to be.
25:57
Now that differs from things like therapy or counseling
26:03
because those helping professions typically require
26:06
years of study where that lead to a certification or a license.
26:11
Coaches, at least at the moment, are not, are not typically
26:16
licensed or required to have a license or certification.
26:20
It doesn't mean that they're not prepared because you know, you,
26:24
you go through quite a bit of training in order to become a
26:26
coach and some practical coaching, of course.
26:30
But they don't have, they're not required to be licensed or
26:32
certified, but they do have to have a broad understanding of of
26:38
the different principles that are gonna help people get where
26:40
they need to be. But they can't legitimately
26:43
called, I can't hang a shingle and say I'm a certified
26:46
counselor or certified therapist because that would that would be
26:49
unethical. That would be incorrect.
26:51
But they're also not consultants because that has a definition of
26:55
result that we don't get into. They're not mentors because
26:58
that's a different type of dynamic, but they are
27:01
essentially people who help you to find where you are, where you
27:06
want to be, and how to bridge that gap.
27:07
Oh. That's no, that's amazing.
27:09
That's, that's cool beans. I get it.
27:11
We have a question from Robert and he said I started career
27:15
coaching about two weeks ago. I noticed my coach emphasizes an
27:19
honest conversation and many, many questions.
27:24
What is one question you ask clients that's always shifts the
27:27
room? Right, well, before I answer
27:30
that the the question, let me just say that you you hit it
27:33
right on the head about the the coaching approach.
27:37
Coaching involves exactly that many, many questions because one
27:42
of the reasons why we don't to get the results that we want is
27:45
because we're asking the wrong questions of ourselves.
27:48
So if you say to yourself, well, well, why can't, why am I not
27:51
able to, to write that screenplay?
27:55
And your, your answerable to yourself is essentially well,
27:58
because I, I don't have any creativity, but I don't have a
28:00
creative bone in my body, right. It's how many of us think when
28:03
the reality is is probably not that at all, but you already
28:08
conditioned to give that kind of a response without thinking it
28:11
through. So and if you ask a better
28:13
quality question, like what's one thing I can do to further my
28:17
screen writing career that's gonna get you a better result?
28:20
Then why the why can't I write a script today?
28:22
Right. So it's a lot of it's a lot of
28:23
questions. So what's one question that I
28:25
ask clients that always shifts the room?
28:28
I asked them what created that limiting belief that they have,
28:35
because if they can understand why where a particular limiting
28:40
belief came from, then they might have the courage to
28:43
question that and then define the more realistic solution.
28:46
See, here's the thing. If you think about everything
28:49
that we believe, ultimately, if you look at it as a table, a
28:53
table is just what it's, it's a, it's a flat piece of wood with
28:56
some legs, right? And we come to believe things.
29:00
A belief is essentially, we have legs that developed for these
29:03
tables and we don't, we don't test those legs.
29:08
We just accept. Well, that table is the belief.
29:12
So let me give you a concrete example.
29:14
If you if, if someone says all dogs are dangerous, well, that's
29:19
the table on legs. You might have had four
29:22
occasions where you pass the dog and the dog growled at you or
29:26
even bit you, and those are your four legs.
29:28
So you concluded naturally all dogs are dangerous.
29:31
But then one day, and I've owned two of them, you, you meet a
29:33
golden retriever. I promise you that a golden
29:37
retriever would rather have supper with a thief than to do
29:40
anything you're right about. That.
29:43
So when you meet that golden retriever, now you've kicked the
29:45
leg because now you have evidence that not all dogs are
29:49
dangerous, some dogs dangerous, but not all of them are
29:51
dangerous. So in that moment you're
29:53
questioning that limiting belief.
29:56
So a question. So it's not a specific general
29:59
question. It really is more specific to
30:01
the person, but it's it's the whole idea about limiting
30:05
beliefs. Why do you hold that belief or
30:07
why do you believe that that's true?
30:09
Because that person may not have a clue that there are other
30:11
options in the world. So.
30:13
No, that's, that's, that's amazing.
30:15
You're absolutely correct with especially with golden
30:17
retrievers. I have two of them, so I can
30:19
relate to that. And we have another question
30:21
from Sally. She says.
30:23
Sally says how do you maintain your new story when old
30:26
environments trigger past habits?
30:31
Yeah, you maintain your new story by continuing to look for
30:35
and create evidence about your new belief, right?
30:38
And by the way, these are fantastic questions, so thanks
30:41
for that. So you know your old
30:44
environments are always gonna be there, right?
30:46
They're typically not gonna go away.
30:48
So the idea with coaching is to help you to recognize when those
30:53
older beliefs are arising so that you can note them and say,
30:57
Yep, I see you, you're there, I see you noted, ignored.
31:01
And then you go on to the new belief, right?
31:04
And that takes a little bit of practice because you believe
31:06
that thing for so long that again, it's become like a table
31:10
that cannot be moved. But the more that you kick those
31:13
legs with new beliefs, excuse me, with new evidence, with new
31:17
reference points is another way that you can put it, the more
31:20
you're going to realize that there is the possibility of a
31:23
new belief. You don't have to go back to the
31:25
old ones. And I dare say that for many
31:27
things in your life, you're, you're never going to go back to
31:31
the old one because you're going to recognize it for the lie that
31:33
it was or for the exaggeration that it was.
31:36
And you're going to become so skilled at it because it is a
31:38
skill that you're developing when you're coaching.
31:41
And and as you as you recognize those things for what they are,
31:44
you're going to you're going to become strengthened in that new
31:47
belief. No, that, that makes perfect
31:50
sense. No.
31:51
And I know sometimes, even sometimes people will find other
31:54
people to validate that table, even though they may know that
31:58
table is not right. You know, I've seen that,
32:01
absolutely. Absolutely, and you know, and,
32:03
and those pressures are real, right?
32:05
Yes, that's one thing that's important to, to understand that
32:08
there's no, there's no shame in, but you know, we all have that
32:12
we all have limiting beliefs, right, right.
32:14
I have strategies and I'm constantly coaching myself and
32:17
I'm constantly, you know, self coaching.
32:19
And I also have a coach. I personally, I think that a
32:22
life coach that doesn't have a coach themselves is, is just is
32:27
is, is, is doing themselves a dis service and their clients a
32:30
dis service. I need to go and, and recognize
32:34
blind spots and limiting beliefs that continue to affect me.
32:36
So there's no shame in that. But it's empowering to know that
32:40
you do have options and that you do have choices that you may not
32:43
have thought you have before. Absolutely.
32:45
We have a question from Michael and he said, I think I heard you
32:48
say earlier in your intro that you specialize in coaching men.
32:52
I have two teenage boys. What What are the unspoken
32:55
precious men carry that often go unnoticed?
32:59
Yeah, and, and first of all, I want to, I want to thank you for
33:02
what you do because raising children in general is, is tough
33:07
and raising teen boys in particular is, is quite a feat.
33:11
I raised three of them. My own.
33:14
Well, not my own, my my wife and I, I gotta be careful to say
33:18
that you. Do you do?
33:20
But my point is that we, we raised three boys.
33:23
So I, I know how tough that it could be.
33:26
And in terms of the pressures that they carry, oh boy, where
33:29
do I start? You know, I, I, I specialize in,
33:33
I, I will coach anybody but my, my special, my, my niche, if you
33:37
will, or my specialty is coaching young men around the
33:41
ages 24 to 35, predominantly ones who are not quite teens,
33:46
but the ones who are sort of starting out in life.
33:48
But, but the pressures on teens are just the beginning stages of
33:52
what they're experiencing in the age group that I, that I serve.
33:56
But there are 4 main areas where young men are, are having
34:01
issues. And again, it starts at a very
34:04
early age in a different context with teens, but that's things
34:07
like, you know, work and economic disconnection, right?
34:11
Or big one is, is that's more appropriate for for teens is
34:15
loneliness and and isolation right there.
34:19
There are we live in the most connected age probably in
34:23
history, in human history in terms of all the electronics.
34:27
And yet I believe it's the most disconnected in history because
34:32
along with all that electronic connection, you've lost so much
34:36
of what we used to consider as community.
34:39
And without that community and all those different voices, you
34:42
lose something in that. And that's a whole rabbit hole
34:45
that we can go down for a while. Mental health in general
34:51
increases. And this is all backed up by
34:53
statistics, right? Anxiety, low motivation,
34:57
escapism, whether that's true, you know, things like doom
35:00
scrolling, right? And that's that's more I think
35:04
grown-ups do more doom scrolling through the news and all that,
35:06
right yeah, but but anybody could do it gaming.
35:10
And I'm not saying that any of these things in and of
35:13
themselves are necessarily bad, right?
35:16
Just putting quotation air quotes, but because, you know,
35:20
but things like, for example, overly, overly escaping into
35:23
things like gaming or doom scrolling or a big one that's
35:29
that's really been predominant, especially with teens is a
35:32
pornography use right gambling as you get older.
35:37
I mean, this is so many mental health areas that you got to
35:40
look at that that that serve as means of not dealing with the
35:47
connection issues and the isolation issues.
35:50
And another big one is just identity and purpose confusion,
35:53
right? This because there are in many
35:56
instances clear a lack of clear rites of passage, things that
36:02
would have looked much different when I was growing up and when
36:07
Jose was growing up. They're different today and
36:10
there's also a shortage of healthy male role models out
36:13
there, you know, so, so there's a lot of lack of structure and
36:17
there are all kinds of challenges and or spiritual
36:19
grounding. And by spiritual, I don't
36:21
necessarily mean religious, right?
36:22
Just something greater than themselves.
36:25
So this is all I know. I'm speaking in general terms,
36:27
but these are all commonalities that are the pressures that men
36:31
carry that often go unnoticed. And people, you know, pretty
36:34
much well, just deal with it and, and keep going from
36:36
day-to-day without really addressing those issues.
36:39
And you pay, you pay a price for that, not only as individuals,
36:42
but as a society. And if you don't address those
36:45
issues, as I personally don't believe that they're being
36:48
addressed to the extent that they need to be addressed.
36:50
If you don't deal with them in the long run, you wind up with,
36:54
with men that lack clear identity and purpose, or you
36:58
know, that lack structure and accountability.
37:01
They, they lack a sense of meaning and a sense of purpose.
37:05
Then they, they tend to be more passive instead of, you know,
37:09
active in society and they tend to be less confident and
37:12
disciplined. And all that translates to
37:14
danger, right? Wow, No, those are all good
37:17
points. You know, I think you have
37:19
mentioned some of the things about talk about shame and
37:23
vulnerability and, and those are sensitive topics.
37:26
And I see how people they try to avoid talking about.
37:28
Why do you think it's so important for people in general
37:32
to face these things, and what kind of differences can that
37:35
make in their lives? You thought about vulnerability
37:38
and shame. Yes, Sir.
37:39
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Thank you very much for asking
37:42
that. It's so important to understand
37:47
that a big part of what is causing mental health crises in
37:51
our day, in my opinion, based upon the research and based upon
37:54
anecdotal evidence, is that people confuse the meanings of
37:58
things like vulnerability or shame or courage.
38:02
And I, and I got to give credit where credit is due here because
38:04
I don't pull the stuff out of a hat or, and, and, and none of
38:07
this is original to me. Right.
38:10
Then many of you out there might be aware of an individual by the
38:13
name of Brené Brown, Brené Brown, Brené Brown.
38:18
She is a she is a researcher, a research professor at the
38:22
University of Houston, and she's famous for a couple of Ted talks
38:27
on these topics, specifically on vulnerability and change.
38:30
So much of what I'm saying today is, is in line with what she
38:33
just thought. And I think people confuse
38:36
vulnerability with weakness and, and, and nothing can be further
38:41
from the truth. And in order to, to realize that
38:43
you need to make changes and to even want to accept something
38:47
like coaching, you have to make yourself vulnerable.
38:50
Cuz a lot of times what'll happen, you'll go.
38:52
And I don't know if any of you ever saw there's a Netflix
38:54
special out there on Tony Robbins.
38:56
It's called I'm Not Your Group. If anyone saw that, there's a
39:00
point at which Tony is and he coaches people from the crowd
39:03
and someone comes up and he's trying to explain something to
39:07
them. And and they're looking at him
39:09
with the look and he actually, he expresses it.
39:10
Oh, yeah, I know that. I know that.
39:12
Yeah. Because that's the look to be,
39:13
right. I already know that.
39:14
So, yeah, because you got to put up that barrier, right that.
39:17
Right, right, right, right. You're not telling me anything.
39:19
I don't know. But in the meantime, you're
39:20
dying inside, right? Yeah.
39:22
But you can't admit that in society because, well, you,
39:24
that's a weakness. And and I got to say, men are
39:27
especially, you know, attuned to this.
39:30
But anyway, so the idea is that vulnerability is weakness.
39:33
And you know, the way that Renee Talk talks about it,
39:37
vulnerability is what it's uncertainty.
39:40
It's, it's, it involves risk, it involves emotional exposure.
39:44
But in, quite in, in honesty, it's quite frankly the most
39:46
accurate measure of courage. Because for you to be vulnerable
39:50
means that you, it requires you to show up and be seen, right?
39:54
Even if success isn't guaranteed.
39:56
And, and especially if you can't control the outcome to go out
40:00
there and, and, and put yourself out there, it's the only way
40:03
that you, you could succeed. Because if you don't do that,
40:06
you're gonna, you're gonna 100% of the time you're gonna fail,
40:08
right? Right, right.
40:09
So. Failure is not, you know, we're
40:11
afraid of failure in our society too.
40:13
And, you know, if if you fail, then, well, you know, you're,
40:16
you're, you're not deserving because ultimately we have a
40:19
need to feel loved and to be, to be feel seen and to feel
40:22
adequate. And one of the worst things for
40:24
us is to not feel those things. So we think if we make ourselves
40:27
vulnerable, that those inadequacies are going to come
40:30
out. But the truth of the matter is
40:31
that you have to make yourself vulnerable if you're going to
40:34
eventually, you know, have success.
40:36
And then shame in our culture is also something that's very
40:39
heavily misunderstood, whether that's shaming yourself or
40:43
shaming others. You know, shame is essentially,
40:46
and I'm oversimplifying this, of course, but shame is essentially
40:49
the feeling or belief that we're flawed in and of ourselves,
40:53
right? Or that we've done something
40:55
that makes us unworthy of connection.
40:58
And that's worse than death for human beings.
41:01
That's worse than death. Well, if you, if you feel that
41:04
you're not worthy of connection because the worst thing you can
41:07
do we're we're relational creatures, right?
41:09
And, and I come from religious context and I believe that our
41:12
creator made us to be relational creatures.
41:15
But whether you believe that or not in your personal belief
41:17
system, I think we can all agree that human beings from whatever
41:22
source have something in us that requires us to connect with one
41:26
another. And that that this detriment to
41:29
ourselves as individuals and to our communities if we don't have
41:34
that connection and we don't express it.
41:35
And I think we're seeing a lot of the fruit of that,
41:37
unfortunately, in our day. So shame is a thing that gets
41:42
you there. There is no, and I and we can
41:45
have this debate and I understand that some people will
41:47
not agree with me. I do not believe that shame is a
41:50
good motivator. I know some people will use it
41:53
and they will say you got to put someone to shame.
41:55
You got to shame someone in in the Spanish culture.
41:58
I I heard many times growing up, you know, you should be in some
42:01
version of you should be ashamed of yourself.
42:03
I get it. Yeah.
42:04
And and and I leave that to you and to your personal preference.
42:07
I personally have seen too many lives damaged by that and people
42:12
who use it towards others as well as themselves.
42:14
And there are alternatives to that, right.
42:16
So if unless we can can get a grip on ourselves and get better
42:21
strategies that take us away from that feeling of inadequacy
42:25
and unworthiness, I think we're going to continue to see the
42:27
fruit of that. Wow, got a got a couple of
42:30
comments. Michael wanted to say thank you
42:32
for sharing that knowledge. The one that was raising the two
42:35
boys. Of course, my pleasure, thank.
42:37
You and then somebody, an anonymous said, I'm glad that
42:40
you say vulnerability is not a bad thing and.
42:46
By the way, and by the way, is everyone going to agree with us?
42:49
Of course not right, right. And you know, I mean, you know,
42:51
I, I respect everyone's opinion, but I also am not afraid to say
42:55
something like that because I don't think it gets said often
42:57
enough. And I and I think that we, we
43:00
need to give ourselves permission to, to be vulnerable
43:04
because and, and especially men. All right, yes.
43:07
And, and when I see, you know, all the things I described
43:10
before, part of what part of what what makes those things
43:14
intensify in their destructiveness is that men do
43:20
not make themselves vulnerable. And they think, therefore they
43:22
think they have to do everything by themselves and climb out of a
43:26
hole by themselves. And that's just not possible.
43:29
That's just not possible. And I can attest to that growing
43:31
up when my dad, you know, you know, he would say, you know, in
43:36
other language, suck it up because we don't talk about
43:38
mental health, the issues. He was an alcoholic.
43:40
There were so many things that were come on, say they say put
43:44
in a Rolodex behind. So we don't talk about that.
43:46
We don't talk about anything. And then you just have to be
43:49
strong, even though you're weak as as anything, but you have to
43:52
perception is everything in front of my friends.
43:55
I couldn't talk about it even though we were all going through
43:58
it. It was just I didn't find this
43:59
out till later on in life when I got older.
44:01
But you're right, you're right. I have we're going to go with
44:05
one more question and then we're going to talk about how people
44:08
can contact you and reach you. So the question is, what legacy
44:12
do you hope your work leaves for the next generation of men and
44:17
leaders? And that's for me that.
44:19
Oh, so that's such a nice question.
44:21
Wow, that's a, that's a big one. Recognizing that what I do is
44:27
just one little drop in, you know, 1 little drop in, in in
44:31
the bucket. If I could do my part to help
44:36
men, young men in particular, to understand that that you don't
44:43
have to do it alone, that there is more than one way to do
44:47
something to achieve what you want.
44:49
And let me just insert this real quick because I you, you said
44:53
something about said that reminded me, you know, you have
44:56
extremes. I talked about role models
44:58
earlier. You have especially for young
45:00
men, extremes out there, what men are supposed to be like,
45:04
right? What is a real man?
45:06
Whatever that is right? And you have on one extreme.
45:08
Well, they should be, you know, there are no real differences
45:12
and this is opinions, right? There are no real differences
45:15
between men and women. So they should be, you know,
45:17
more, you know, this way where they're more like women,
45:20
etcetera. And then you have the other
45:21
extreme that says, well, no, they got to be, you know,
45:24
they're, they got to be, you know, macho and tough and they
45:26
got to assert themselves with the opposite sex.
45:29
And, and, you know, and in, in, in terms of pain, going through
45:34
pain in life, well, you know, pain is just weakness leaving
45:36
the body, that kind of thing, right.
45:38
So without naming names, we've all heard these, these different
45:42
sides. And is there a middle ground?
45:45
That's where I hope to help people find the middle ground.
45:49
There is it without getting too technical, you have problems to
45:53
be solved and you have polarities to be managed, right?
45:56
So polarity North and South, there's no one solution, right?
46:00
Breathing is a polarity. You breathe in oxygen, you
46:04
exhale carbon monoxide. So if I say to you stop
46:07
breathing in oxygen, well that's ridiculous, right?
46:10
But if I say stop, stop exhaling carbon monoxide, that's also
46:13
ridiculous. Breathing is not a problem to be
46:15
solved. It's a it's a polarity to be
46:17
managed. And when we try to resolve
46:20
things as if everything is a problem, that's a mistake.
46:23
So, so it's, so it's important to understand that there's a lot
46:27
of stuff dealing with men that it is, it is a polarity.
46:30
There are, there are appropriate times to be tough and there are
46:32
appropriate times to be softer. Where's the happy balance in
46:36
between? And I, if I can help men
46:38
understand that it help them find their identity, right?
46:42
Help them find their purpose so that they're not aimless and
46:45
understand that if I could teach them how to, maybe if I sum up
46:49
this way, if I could teach them how to manage their minds so
46:52
that they realize that their lives can change because of
46:55
changing their thinking instead of trying to change the
46:58
circumstance. You don't have control over a
47:00
circumstance, which is a fact. You do have control over what
47:03
you think. And that's true of anyone, not
47:05
just men, obviously. OK, so if I can, if I can help
47:08
train young men to think, I will have succeeded.
47:13
Absolutely. That's awesome.
47:14
So let's go into, let's see what you got here and I'll leave it
47:18
up to you there. There you go, Carlos.
47:20
Yeah, so, so there are a couple of ways to reach me.
47:22
My website is is pretty easy to remember.
47:25
It's my name, Carlos deltoro.com.
47:27
So once you get past the fact that my name starts with AK,
47:30
then ACA little, I didn't have a choice in the matter then it's
47:33
just Carlos deltoro.com. And and I try to keep the keep
47:37
the site simple. It's really just the one pager
47:39
that you just Scroll down a little bit.
47:41
And if, if anyone is interested in the future and, and see
47:45
what's possible in terms of coaching, you can schedule a
47:48
discovery session by selecting that button up at the top there.
47:53
And, and that's a, by the way, a no cost session.
47:55
It's a it's, it's a 45 minute no cost session where we talk about
48:00
what coaching is and what your circumstances are and if, if we
48:04
would be good fit together. So you could do it either by
48:07
pressing that button And at the moment it's going to go to my
48:11
e-mail, my, my business e-mail, but I'm working on it to go
48:14
directly to a scheduler so that you can actually pick a time, a
48:18
date and a time. And I should be having, I should
48:20
have that ready soon. Or you can text me at the
48:24
461-3074 number. You can call or text me.
48:27
You can do it that way as well. Right.
48:30
So this center section tells you a little bit about me.
48:33
You know who I am and what I stand for, why doing this work
48:38
is important and how we'd work together, and many of those
48:41
things I covered with you today. Right.
48:45
This explains a little bit about how we would work together,
48:48
typically one-on-one coaching. And you'll notice, by the way,
48:52
that This site is geared towards men because that again, is the
48:57
specialty that I focus on because you can't market being
49:02
all things to all people. It's just not a wide strategy,
49:06
but please know that it doesn't have to be career coaching.
49:09
It could, it can be any type of life coaching, but that's my
49:12
central focus. So if you have or know young men
49:15
who might be interested in this or parents of young men who
49:17
might be interested, then this explains how I'll do that.
49:21
I'm working also on the possibility of opening group
49:24
coaching cuz you can reach a lot more people in a short period of
49:27
time. I'm not quite there yet.
49:28
So at the moment it's one-on-one, but I will be
49:31
putting events out there like webinars, for example, where I
49:35
will that I will post on this site and then those will be
49:38
group situations and eventually it'll be some type of group
49:41
coaching of that nature. All right.
49:44
And then once again, you can, I think for the moment the top
49:49
section is gonna be the best in order to schedule a session with
49:52
me. But sometimes people just have
49:53
questions, right? And I wanted to have a section
49:55
where you can submit a question or a comment and that's at the
49:58
bottom there. And if someone sends me a
50:02
question and they say, hey, can I schedule something?
50:04
I, I'll, I'll be looking at that as well.
50:06
You don't have to. I'm not wed to just the top 1.
50:09
So you can use either or. OK.
50:13
So this is my LinkedIn page, and I believe that that Jose will be
50:19
sharing links to both of these with you.
50:21
If you want to know a little bit more about my background
50:26
professionally, you'll find that on this page and you'll notice
50:30
in the upper left the message button there if you select that.
50:34
One thing I wanted to offer today is if you are interested,
50:39
you could do a discovery session, but you could also take
50:42
advantage of of what I'm about to offer, which is I talked
50:46
earlier about the six human needs.
50:48
I usually charge in order to go through sessions on the six
50:52
human needs and I have a survey to go through for that.
50:55
So I won't, I won't do the whole package, but for the first five
50:59
people who messaged me and indicate that they were in the
51:03
session today and used the code News story, news story for the
51:08
first five who do that, I will schedule with you a session to
51:13
talk about the six human needs, what they are and give you an
51:17
initial understanding of your, of your 6 human needs.
51:20
And I will do that. It'll be a 30 minute session for
51:22
the first five people to do that.
51:24
They can say, hey, we heard it on the motivated mindset that
51:27
they watched. Absolutely.
51:28
I've got also the motivated Mindset podcast and I heard and
51:32
and give code news story and we'll take care of you.
51:35
Hoorah. All right, and here is where you
51:41
can reach out to connect with Carlos to, to QR code, you know,
51:46
and the number and, and the best way Carlos would be, you know,
51:50
if they wanted to get quick would be the number or is that
51:53
correct? Yeah.
51:54
So if so, the number would be the quickest way, but they're
51:57
all going to the same place essentially.
51:59
So it's, it's entirely your, your choice.
52:03
And thank you also for preparing these codes.
52:04
That makes it much easier. And it'll take you directly to
52:07
the sites, but the phone number will you can do it phone or text
52:12
and either one will get to me quickly.
52:14
So that's the beauty of living in, in, in the age today where
52:18
we can communicate in, in very quickly in all these different
52:21
ways. So.
52:23
Absolutely. And you know, we're we're coming
52:26
down to to the end. Is there any, any anything, any
52:30
last words, anything we didn't cover that you would like?
52:32
I'd like to emphasize. I'll wait to see if there's any
52:34
more questions, but if you get questions, I give the last few
52:38
minutes to you, Carlos. I appreciate that.
52:41
Well, the one, the one thing I'll just say, just generally
52:44
talking about the, the theme of the day is that just a reminder
52:50
that you have a lot more agency with what I call it to do to get
52:58
to accomplish the things that you want to do in life than
53:00
sometimes you think you do. I don't have time to go through
53:03
it now, but I mentioned the difference between circumstance
53:08
and thinking. And that's everything a
53:10
circumstance is something that 100 people will all agree is
53:14
exactly what that is. If I tell you that that the sun
53:19
is up there, that's a circumstance, right, Because we
53:22
would all agree that the sun's up there.
53:24
But the second that I had a qualifier to that and say, well,
53:27
that's, that's the the biggest sun I've ever seen for, you
53:31
know, it's kind of a bad example.
53:32
But as soon as you say something that qualifies it, you've now
53:35
graduated to a thought And in in real life and the everyday, we
53:40
do that all the time with the things in our lives where we
53:43
ascribe something to a particular circumstance.
53:46
And it's not the circumstance that's holding us back.
53:48
It's the thinking about that circumstance.
53:50
So if you think about life being 10% what happens to you and 90%
53:55
how you react to it, when you really give this some thought,
53:58
you realize how much more power you have over the thing that you
54:02
thought that you cannot do or whether it's people,
54:06
circumstances happening around you, world events, right?
54:09
You know, we can go in all kinds of directions with politics and
54:13
you have a lot of agency, right? You don't have to think a
54:16
certain way. You don't have to behave a
54:18
certain way. So if, if, if I can, if I can
54:21
leave you with anything today, it's think about the difference
54:23
between the facts and how you're thinking about the facts and it
54:26
will change your life. Wow.
54:28
And we have a a comment from Olga that says that was so
54:32
enlightening. Thank you for sharing.
54:35
Thank you. Thank you for being here.
54:36
I really appreciate it. I love these wonderful
54:38
questions. Yeah, they were, they were good.
54:40
And, and, and Carlos, thank you for being.
54:42
I know it made me think a little bit about things, but it
54:44
actually made me think about how I grew up and, and what I was
54:47
exposed to and how I thought and how it it evolved as I, you
54:51
know, grew older. Me too.
54:52
Yeah, absolutely. You know so but I don't see any
54:56
more. Ladies and gentlemen, I want to
54:57
say thank you for for being here and Carlos, of course, thank
55:01
you. And we'll you know, if you got
55:02
once you get any upcoming, you know, events, please let us know
55:07
and we'll be showcasing. But you dropped a lot of golden
55:09
Nuggets, a lot of stuff we need to hear, especially as a man.
55:13
I'm so glad, I'm so glad. I, I absolutely will share with
55:16
you whatever I can in the future.
55:17
Yep. Thank you and keep up the great
55:20
work you're doing with this podcast.
55:21
Oh, no. Well, thank you, Thank you.
55:22
Me and me and Yvette, my partner, she is, she keeps me on
55:24
top of things. So awesome.
55:27
And you know, and and Yvette says thank you and you know when
55:31
ladies of MP continue to chime in and and watch our podcast,
55:36
but everybody had a good one. De Gracia Puerto.
55:39
I'll see you guys later. Thank you.
55:41
Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for tuning in to Military
55:46
Broadcast Radio. As we wrap up today's show, we
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