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Drugs and your Teen (what you should do) · Head Shrink Inc.

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_01: Hey, it's Doc David with Head Shrink Inc.
• 0:03
  SPEAKER_01: again.
• 0:04
  SPEAKER_01: And I have listeners who have teenagers and I work with teenagers, and a lot of times parents find drugs in teenagers' rooms.
• 0:12
  SPEAKER_01: And so we're going to talk today about what you should do, what you should do when you find drugs in your teenagers' rooms.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_00: Your ancestors love related daily live.
• 0:39
  SPEAKER_01: Thanks for listening in to another episode today.
• 0:54
  SPEAKER_01: And I work with a lot of kids that are on probation, and probation, the probation that they get on is some type of probation related to drug use.
• 1:03
  SPEAKER_01: And they're in drug record juvenile recovery courts or they're in rehab.
• 1:09
  SPEAKER_01: So drugs are a pretty big part of our society.
• 1:11
  SPEAKER_01: And I think with the legalization of marijuana happening throughout the country, it's not necessarily something that's going to get better.
• 1:20
  SPEAKER_01: I think what often gets touted is, oh, if if marijuana was legalized, marijuana is just, you know, an herb, right?
• 1:28
  SPEAKER_01: It's not a chemical.
• 1:29
  SPEAKER_01: And so if marijuana was legalized, there's going to be less problems.
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_01: But in in reality, what I'm seeing is that there's actually more problems because you normalize it.
• 1:36
  SPEAKER_01: Even if the states have an age that that they limit, and I think usually it's 21, that still kind of normalizes it.
• 1:45
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, it's like, oh, look, now the state of you know Washington or Colorado or Oregon is saying recreational marijuana is okay.
• 1:53
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, it's similar to how alcohol.
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_01: Um, you know, alcohol is only for 21, but you got kids that are out partying and drinking.
• 2:00
  SPEAKER_01: Um, so let's talk about marijuana or let's talk about substances in your kids' room.
• 2:05
  SPEAKER_01: I say marijuana because I think marijuana is often an easier thing to get.
• 2:10
  SPEAKER_01: Um, but you know, I think a lot of what I've seen now is um opiates that are being used, so that'd be oxycontin, Vicodin, things like that.
• 2:20
  SPEAKER_01: And those are a lot of things a parent gets a prescription for and because they have you know some type of surgery or whatever, and they just leave it in their medicine cabinet and then their kid goes and gets it.
• 2:32
  SPEAKER_01: And a lot of times these kids will take it to school and sell it to friends.
• 2:36
  SPEAKER_01: Um, so it's not just marijuana or cocaine or heroin.
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, those are the biggies, but there's a lot of different types of drugs that are being used by kids or in the school settings.
• 2:48
  SPEAKER_01: So one thing that often happens is that you have a kid and you're going through their room and you find drugs.
• 2:56
  SPEAKER_01: So let's talk about um there's probably I've I've written, and this will be up on my website at David Simonson.net, um, seven things that you can do when you realize, oh man, there's drugs here.
• 3:07
  SPEAKER_01: And so one of the things to not do is fly off the handle and rage at your kid, because usually when you rage at your kid, um it's going to make them withdraw and kind of put up the defenses, and they're not going to share easily with you.
• 3:24
  SPEAKER_01: So the first thing I think you need to recognize is that you're not alone.
• 3:27
  SPEAKER_01: That there's uh kids and parents all over the nation and all over the world that are struggling with this very thing.
• 3:35
  SPEAKER_01: Um whether it's drugs or alcohol, you're you're definitely not going to be alone in this.
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_01: There's going to be other parents who have gone through what you may be going through.
• 3:45
  SPEAKER_01: There's going to be other parents that are feeling what you feel.
• 3:48
  SPEAKER_01: Um one of the things to think about is, you know, if you find something like this with your kid, um who is another adult that you can go and kind of problem solve this through with?
• 4:01
  SPEAKER_01: Because a lot of times if you just do it on your own and you don't open up to a friend or a peer or family member or something like that, you may make a bad decision in regards to how you're going to deal with your kids.
• 4:13
  SPEAKER_01: Um you may make a bad decision good in too much consequences or not not enough consequences.
• 4:19
  SPEAKER_01: And so that's why I think it's important to get with other, you know, people that you trust and kind of get their insight into maybe what you should do, people that know your kid and know what their relationship is like with your kid.
• 4:32
  SPEAKER_01: Um Al-Anon is actually a great resource for families when they have someone in their life that's struggling with alcohol addiction.
• 4:41
  SPEAKER_01: Um so the second thing I would encourage you to do is have a plan.
• 4:46
  SPEAKER_01: So again, this goes back to what I said.
• 4:48
  SPEAKER_01: It'd be easier to have it'd be easy to have a knee-jerk reaction to to this.
• 4:52
  SPEAKER_01: And and I and I say for me it would be there would be a knee-jerk reaction for me.
• 4:57
  SPEAKER_01: Like you, you have this thing in my house that I um explicitly don't want you to have, so there's boom, there's gonna be consequences.
• 5:04
  SPEAKER_01: Now, that may work if you have a a decent relationship with your kid, but if you don't have a decent relationship with your kid, that's not gonna work.
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_01: So a lot of this having a plan is gonna center around knowing your kid.
• 5:17
  SPEAKER_01: Um, there's gonna be lots of emotions that you're gonna have, um, sadness, anger, upsets.
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_01: You there's gonna be people you don't want your kid hanging out with because you think, oh, my kid could never have done this.
• 5:28
  SPEAKER_01: It must be their no-good friend John or their no good friend Susie.
• 5:34
  SPEAKER_01: Um so having a plan, like it could be a crisis, but again, when people are in crisis, there's there's job descriptions of people that are called crisis managers because they have plans.
• 5:48
  SPEAKER_01: So one of the plans you may want to, or one of the things you may want to consider is that this is not gonna solve itself in the next couple hours.
• 5:56
  SPEAKER_01: So it's wise to have a plan, it's still that's why it's wise to have a plan of action.
• 6:00
  SPEAKER_01: So when will you talk?
• 6:01
  SPEAKER_01: Who are you gonna have present with you when you talk?
• 6:04
  SPEAKER_01: Will you have anybody present with you when you talk?
• 6:06
  SPEAKER_01: What questions do you need to have answered?
• 6:08
  SPEAKER_01: Um, what kind of consequences are there going to be?
• 6:12
  SPEAKER_01: Will you get the police involved, etc., etc.?
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_01: So if you have these mapped out in your head, um it's gonna reduce the amount of emotional responses that you have, and it's gonna help you stay a little bit more focused and logical as you're talking to your kid.
• 6:26
  SPEAKER_01: Um now, this next suggestion is gonna be really hard because I know it would be hard for me.
• 6:32
  SPEAKER_01: Because when I'm giving these suggestions, I'm thinking of how I would interact with my child.
• 6:37
  SPEAKER_01: And don't go in angry.
• 6:38
  SPEAKER_01: Now that could be really hard.
• 6:39
  SPEAKER_01: It's it's definitely understandable to be angry about this information that you just found out about with your kid.
• 6:47
  SPEAKER_01: Um yet I think trying to let someone know your care and concern for them in the midst of an angry tirade is not helpful and not useful for the relationship.
• 6:59
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and so any kind of anger or venting you need to do, I'm gonna suggest that you do it again with that peer or with that family member.
• 7:07
  SPEAKER_01: So then you and if you need somebody there to help you manage your anger about what you found, please do that because I think that that's gonna be definitely more beneficial to your relationship with your child in the long run.
• 7:21
  SPEAKER_01: Rather than you sitting there um lecturing them for 30 minutes and they tune out after five.
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_01: Um so I think as much as possible, don't go in angry to this um situation with your kid.
• 7:36
  SPEAKER_01: Um anger typically is a secondary emotion, so there's usually something that fuels the anger, hurt, sadness, disappointment, or loss.
• 7:43
  SPEAKER_01: And so those are the important those are the emotions that you should be talking about with your kid.
• 7:48
  SPEAKER_01: You know, Johnny, I found this, it's so hurtful to me because we've ta we've talked about this.
• 7:53
  SPEAKER_01: There's mistrust that gets built up, etc.
• 7:55
  SPEAKER_01: etc.
• 7:56
  SPEAKER_01: And those are the things you should talk about.
• 7:58
  SPEAKER_01: Um just simply talking about the anger that you feel isn't going to usually be helpful.
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and so now another suggestion, this is number four, another suggestion is for you to remember that you are actually in charge, or you're s hopefully you're in charge of your kids' life to some degree.
• 8:19
  SPEAKER_01: And that's not like that you're this micromanager, it's that you um are hopefully giving them direction and you are hopefully be able to speak into their life and they kind of listen to you a little bit.
• 8:34
  SPEAKER_01: Um, the fact that you found these items in your kids' room definitely shows that your kid's off course, and so your goal as a parent then is to help them get back on course.
• 8:43
  SPEAKER_01: Now, oftentimes you alone are not going to be able to do this, and so there's gonna be people that you need to recruit to help get your kid back on track, and so that could be any number of people.
• 8:56
  SPEAKER_01: It could be a grandparent, a friend, it could be a community resource of some sort, an outpatient program, um, it could be individual counseling, it could be family counseling, it could be the police, some type of law enforcement experience is often helpful to get kids back on a right path.
• 9:14
  SPEAKER_01: Um so if you are using illegal drugs, now again, this is where it's tricky because marijuana isn't illegal, but if you're using substances, let's say, and your kid knows it, it's gonna be very difficult for them to listen to you when you say they shouldn't be doing it.
• 9:32
  SPEAKER_01: Um and and so one of the things you may need to check is that yes, you need to be in charge, but then you need to say, what kind of behavior are you exhibiting in front of those kids?
• 9:42
  SPEAKER_01: So just last night I was working with a family and the parent was complaining about kid you know, Johnny swearing in front of the younger kids.
• 9:53
  SPEAKER_01: And Johnny made a point, which is very admirable of Johnny.
• 9:56
  SPEAKER_01: Um Johnny's not his real name, by the way.
• 9:59
  SPEAKER_01: Johnny made a point, but mom you cuss in front of the kids also.
• 10:05
  SPEAKER_01: And mom was kind of trapped because you know, she doesn't want Johnny to be doing this thing, but every once in a while she does this thing.
• 10:13
  SPEAKER_01: And so to her credit, she acknowledged it and reel and recognized yes, she shouldn't be doing that as well.
• 10:19
  SPEAKER_01: A lot of parents would get upset and flustered and you know, say, you who do you think you are to be telling me what I can or can't do?
• 10:26
  SPEAKER_01: But if if you want your kid to have a certain type of behavior, and this goes to a whole nother podcast potentially, but if you want your kid to have a certain type of behavior, it's going to be really useful for you to have that behavior that you want as well.
• 10:42
  SPEAKER_01: Um because it's it's just congruence, it's just um saying what you mean.
• 10:50
  SPEAKER_01: And and a lot of times I think parents get into this trap of do what I say, not what I do, and that's kids don't follow that.
• 10:59
  SPEAKER_01: Kids will do what you do, usually in my experience.
• 11:03
  SPEAKER_01: Um the next thing that, and we and I've talked about this several times before earlier in this podcast, is gather support.
• 11:10
  SPEAKER_01: You don't have to do this alone.
• 11:12
  SPEAKER_01: And a lot of times, especially if you're a single parent, it could seem like overwhelming, you know, with with the stresses of life in general, and then this is just something else that's happening.
• 11:21
  SPEAKER_01: It could be seem very stressful.
• 11:23
  SPEAKER_01: And so the immediate, the most immediate way to get support is I mean, if you have a significant other or a partner or a spouse who can help you, I mean, definitely they involve them because they hopefully have some type of influence in this kid's life, and hopefully it's somebody that you can rely on.
• 11:41
  SPEAKER_01: Um other family members, church members, or close friends are useful support as well.
• 11:48
  SPEAKER_01: And like I said earlier, uh Al-Anon is also something that would be a great uh resource for support as well.
• 11:56
  SPEAKER_01: And you can just do a simple Google search for Al-Anon and see if there's any local uh meetings near you.
• 12:02
  SPEAKER_01: And if there's a contact person, give them a call or email them and let them know that what you're struggling with, and maybe maybe they can give you some guidance as well.
• 12:09
  SPEAKER_01: Um, number six is that kids need consistency in their lives, and it's no different with this.
• 12:16
  SPEAKER_01: Uh once you have a plan, uh, once you've gathered support, now you need to stay consistent with it.
• 12:22
  SPEAKER_01: It's not something that I found these drugs, uh you're like you're using drugs, I'm gonna send you to all these places, and then four weeks later you're back to square one, not keeping track of what your kid is doing.
• 12:35
  SPEAKER_01: Um, if that's you as a parent, that needs to change because you need to be consistent with this.
• 12:41
  SPEAKER_01: I mean uh uh without sounding too cliche, um finding drugs in your kids' room could be that cry for help that they're that they're trying to give you.
• 12:52
  SPEAKER_01: And if you listen to the cry and you're intent to this cry for help for like three weeks, and then you slowly kind of grow tone-deaf to that cry for help, it's just gonna the the behavior that you don't want is just going to continue.
• 13:07
  SPEAKER_01: And so if you know that about yourself, that it's hard for you to stay consistent with things in general, not just with your kids, um you should, I'm gonna suggest that you start arranging your life in a way where you can stay consistent.
• 13:21
  SPEAKER_01: Um Inevitably, what I see when I work with the families that I work with is that a lot of the parents' um challenges with consistency, not just in parenting, but just with life in general, tends to harm their kids.
• 13:36
  SPEAKER_01: And so when you're not consistent as a parent, it definitely is a detriment to your children.
• 13:43
  SPEAKER_01: Now you may say, well, I'm just not consistent in working out.
• 13:46
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, well, I mean, that's not that big of a deal, but when when it is more than just working out, when it's like consistently um showing that there's consequences for things or consistently having boundaries around certain things, if you don't do that, that's something that you need to incorporate into your life because that affects your kids in a negative way.
• 14:06
  SPEAKER_01: Um and you don't and you want your kids like when they launch at hopefully 18 years of age, between 18 and 20, you want them to launch successfully and have the ability to have boundaries and know when they should and shouldn't do something.
• 14:23
  SPEAKER_01: And if you don't have boundaries as they're being raised, they're gonna struggle with that for the probably a lot of their uh adult life.
• 14:31
  SPEAKER_01: Um and so finally, number seven, and this seems obvious, but I think it's important to say is just love your kid.
• 14:37
  SPEAKER_01: You know, when you when you gave birth or when you had your child, um, there was no way that you were holding them thinking, I can't wait in 14 years when I find drugs in your room, it's gonna be so great.
• 14:51
  SPEAKER_01: You never thought that when they were um just born.
• 14:54
  SPEAKER_01: You were thinking of all these great hopes and dreams you had for them and this new thing that was in your life that just changed how you view the world.
• 15:03
  SPEAKER_01: And so at the core of your very relationship from the very beginning with your child, um, there was love.
• 15:10
  SPEAKER_01: And this this love caused you to stay up nights when they were sick, make their favorite meals, take them places that they loved that you may not have loved.
• 15:19
  SPEAKER_01: And if you can get back to that idea that I love this kid, and so I'm going to do whatever I need to do to help them, and this is something that is going to uh I think positively impact your relationship with them in a way that you know books won't, in a way that you know the the peer support won't.
• 15:41
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, those are important, but loving your kid is gonna be super important uh when there's this issue with the the substances.
• 15:51
  SPEAKER_01: So I'm just gonna encourage you to love your kid, and loving could mean a lot of different things.
• 15:55
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, I'm you know your kid and you know your life, and so your love, the way that you love your kid is gonna look different than the way someone else loves their kid.
• 16:05
  SPEAKER_01: Um but ultimately I think loving your kid means being consistent and doing the hard things when it comes to helping your child because love is not just an emotion, it's an action, as many of you probably know.
• 16:18
  SPEAKER_01: And so you I I think you need to love your child even in the midst of these difficult circumstances, and that's hard.
• 16:27
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, I I experience challenging circumstances with my kids, and I have to set myself aside at times and remember I just love this kid, and they're still learning how to live life.
• 16:38
  SPEAKER_01: And so my um job as a parent is to lovingly um give them consequences at times and come alongside them and let them know, hey, what you're doing here isn't a good idea, and we probably should change some things up.
• 16:54
  SPEAKER_01: So hopefully that's helpful.
• 16:56
  SPEAKER_01: Feel free to give me an email, uh email response at headshrinkinc at gmail.com or check out my Facebook page, doc David.
• 17:05
  SPEAKER_01: And if you like what you hear, let me know.
• 17:08
  SPEAKER_01: If you um have a question, feel free to email me.
• 17:11
  SPEAKER_01: Email me again at headshrink at gmail.com.