Latest / Recovery Chronicles / Recovery Chronicles Ep. 194 - Chad

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Recovery Chronicles Ep. 194 - Chad · Recovery Chronicles

0:02
Speaker 1: Welcome to the Recovery Chronicles, where we dive deep into
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the inspiring journeys of individuals who have triumphs over adversity
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and found folk healing and resilience on the path to
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recovery from drugs and alcohol. We'll sit down with people
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who have embraced, changed and emerged stronger than ever. Get
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ready to be uplifted, motivated, and empowered as we embark
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on a journey of healing, growth and possibilities.
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Speaker 2: All right, I'm back again and today I have Chad
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here with me. Welcome Chad, Thank you, Thank you for
0:36
being voluntld to do this.
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Speaker 3: Yeah.
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Speaker 2: What was your drug of choice?
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Speaker 3: Methamphetamine? My drug of choices? Yep.
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Speaker 2: And what is your sobriety date?
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Speaker 3: Five?
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Speaker 2: That's awesome, Yeah, good for you.
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Speaker 3: A little over eight months, A couple of days that
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past eight months?
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Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, that's awesome. So what was the moment you
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realized I can't keep living like this?
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Speaker 3: I got a text from the mother of my child,
1:11
Crystal mix wife best friend. My son had actually woke
1:16
up and he asked he told miss what my mom
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or his mom that he was scared to grow grow
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up to be an addict like his dad. Oh yeah,
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it crushes me today just to you know, just to
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think of that. You know, that's what gets what keeps
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pushing me is because you know, they say, you know,
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the generational curse or whatever, and it has to stop
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with me. Yeah, yeh, that's awesome.
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Speaker 2: Yeah, well, shout out to your family that has kept
1:48
you going.
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Speaker 3: This lie yep.
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Speaker 2: Before recovery, what lie did addiction convince you was true?
2:00
Speaker 3: At least I'm not doing dope. I had a medical
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card for the longest time, and you know it's it's
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at least I'm not you know, doing method Thatta means
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you know, it's only a beer or it's only a
2:14
joint or yeah, but it's a whole different ball game now, Yeah,
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for sure.
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Speaker 2: And that's kind of crazy too, that one thing can
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kind of lead to else.
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Speaker 3: Yeah, and people don't realize, you know, a cross addiction,
2:28
you know, gambling, you know, porn, all the whole peo people. Food,
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I mean yeah, food. Yeah, yeah, my boy would tell
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me fatty, but it's healthy though. I'm happy and it's
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you know, that's that's what that's what keeps pushing me.
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Speaker 2: It's yeah, good, Yeah, what part of recovery has surprised
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you the most.
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Speaker 3: Mm hmm. Good people really do exist, and I'm not
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the only one that's on the struggle bus. Every day
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is a battle, you know, every day is a new
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learning process. And yeah, it's it's it's an ongoing it's
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a full time job. If I was getting paid for it,
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i'd be a millionaire right now.
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Speaker 2: Yeah, meet too, Yeah for sure. I know. That's one
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thing that I've really had to learn in my recovery too,
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is that I'm not the only one going through this.
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Speaker 3: Yes, and.
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Speaker 2: There's more people out there like me than I realized.
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Speaker 3: I heard a good phrase that you know, everybody's say,
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there's you know pie. The pie of everybody's recovery is
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all different. You know, some things might work for one
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person and the other things don't work for another person.
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And I'm starting to realize that yeah, you know, yeah,
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you gotta do what's what's best for you and what
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works for you, right, And.
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Speaker 2: I think that's something that people forget in recovery is yes,
4:01
we are both in recovery, but things that have worked
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for me aren't gonna work for you and vice versa.
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And that's okay, you know, it's all the learning curve
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of what works what doesn't work.
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Speaker 3: Yeah, well, just being in group, you know, people are
4:15
doing this diamond ard. It's like I don't have the
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patience for that, and all you guys do it. Yeah,
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like I go color blind.
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Speaker 2: I know some of those things. I'm like, man, looking
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at them, I go cross eye, right, yeah, you know,
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but and then they are cool and they come out
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so beautiful. And yeah, I've seen people too that do
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some of these things, and I'm like, oh my lord, yeah,
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but it is it's it's cool to see the different
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aspects of what works for different people, and then we
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can learn from each other too, even if it's learning that. Okay,
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I went through a similar situation and this is how
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I handled it, and it did not end well for me.
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Speaker 3: Right, I remember, you know, like thinking of you know,
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doing diamond art and just being on one, you know,
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like being bored and just something to do. That's like,
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I can't do that when I'm sober.
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Speaker 2: Yeah, what do you think is harder getting sober or
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staying emotionally honest?
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Speaker 3: For me, getting sober is the easy part. When I
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was out there using what got me sober was jail.
5:31
That's how I got sober, just continuing the emotional part
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of it is the depression, the loneliness, the boredom, that's
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the hard part. Yeah, those sitting in your emotions and feelings, and.
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Speaker 2: Yeah, those are kind of ugly sometimes.
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Speaker 3: Yeah, sometimes they are. Yeah. Yeah, for real, What does.
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Speaker 2: A bad recovery day look like for you? Now?
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Speaker 3: Right now? Today? I I don't have any bad recovery days.
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I go to where I work a recovery coach at Harbu,
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and I can't have a bad day because everybody you know,
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and people see that, you know, I don't. I don't
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know's that's hard to exp It's hard. It is hard.
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I can't have I don't have a bad recovery day.
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I don't. Yeah. I love being in recovery and it's
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it's a learning process every day, like I said, And
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it's just you can't have a bad day in recovery
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because something's gonna happen, you know, in my eye and
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for me anyway, yeah, you know, for real.
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Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, and and remembering to I know, I mean
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I've had bad days in recovery, but remembering to still
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be grateful exactly, you know, even knowing where you came from. Yeah,
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knowing where you came from and remembering that things are
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going to go sideways.
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Speaker 3: Right right right. But yeah, in terms of for me
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today is like you know, six years ago. I mean
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I haven't had my license in six years. So it's like,
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I'm so grateful right now that I got my license
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in or my traveling for a restricted license, and you know,
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it's being accountable every day and just being there. I
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love recovery, Yeah, I really do.
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Speaker 2: Yeah. And like you said, remembering the crap times that
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we had in.
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Speaker 3: Addiction, trying to find a coach to sleep on, yeah wooded, Yeah,
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you know if we did eat.
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Speaker 2: Yeah, if we didn't you know, someplace if I mean
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yeah I didn't always eat either, you know, having a
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safe place to sleep, somewhere to shower and do some
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of those things that are just a part of our
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everyday lives now that we kind of take for granted almost. Yeah,
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it's yeah, what is something recovery gave you that has
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nothing to do with sobriety dates?
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Speaker 3: Another day alive? Yeah, another day that I can say
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I love you to my boy, to my family. Yeah,
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you know the ones that have been behind me one. Yeah,
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because there's some people that I I do in my life,
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but they're not in my life, you know what I
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mean for sure?
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Speaker 2: Yeah? Yeah, what sober habit would active addiction you make
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fun of?
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Speaker 3: That's a hard question, sober habit probably I don't know,
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Like everyone's going to clean on my car, you know,
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clean on my cars like in sober and active addiction,
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i'd have my seats toirl yac I mean, and not
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even vacuum. Yeah, you know, like but yeah, yeah, so yeah, yeah,
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I just do.
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Speaker 2: Yeah, It's just it's some of those silly things that
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in active addiction. You start a task and then you
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pull your seats out of your car to vacuum, and
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then you don't even vacuum your car. What phrase from
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treatment or meetings lives in your head? Rent free?
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Speaker 3: If I have one foot in yesterday and one foot
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in tomorrow, I'm shitting on today. Yeah, that's that's that
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big phrase, one day at a time. It lives in
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my head every day because we're not guaranteed tomorrow, none of.
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Speaker 2: Us are, no, and yesterday has already happened. Whatever happened yesterday,
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we can't we can't go back and change it now nothing,
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So we just have to do better today.
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Speaker 3: As long as I'm doing better today than yesterday, I'm
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doing good.
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Speaker 2: Yeah. Yeah, who are you becoming now that survival mode
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isn't driving.
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Speaker 3: The bus a better dad, better role model, showing the
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son that life is not easy?
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Speaker 2: Yeah, it's yeah, life is hard.
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Speaker 3: Life is hard.
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Speaker 2: And I don't think enough parents tell their kids that,
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you know, they want to paint this beautiful picture of
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you know, how beautiful life is, and not that life's
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not beautiful, because it is, but it has some pretty
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rough moments in it too.
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Speaker 3: That and so you do with those moments.
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Speaker 2: Yeah, it's it's what you do with those moments and
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how you handle those moments of Okay, so something rough
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has happened, you can deal with it in healthy ways,
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talk to people that care about you, you know, seek
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help in any way that you hand, or you can
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take the path that you and I took and not
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deal with it.
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Speaker 3: Yeah, like one day after another download spiral. Everything gets
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worse by the minute.
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Speaker 2: Yeah, and you keep trying to run from it. And
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what they don't tell you is that the world is round.
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So you can only run for so long.
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Speaker 3: Right until you get blue and red lights behind you?
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Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, yeah, and then you're screwed.
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Speaker 3: Yep.
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Speaker 2: What's something that you had to grieve in recovery?
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Speaker 3: There's some things that I haven't really grief processedly, like correctly,
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and that's like a lot of it. It's like my
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best friend Zach passing away. I was twenty twenty five
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years ago and I still haven't grieved it. Yeah, I mean,
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and that's why you know, therapy and more therapy out
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there that I'm looking into, like EMDMR and doing that,
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and yeah, that's one thing. Yet, grief is a hard
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one with me, and it's around like these last four months,
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it's just been really hard because death with me close
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friends and family and don't go good with me.
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Speaker 2: No, that that sucks. And in active addiction, then we
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don't we don't process it, we don't feel it, we
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don't And then and I know, I did a close
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death before I got sober, and then I didn't deal
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with it until I got sober, and then it came
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with all these guilty feelings of not dealing with it
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and these ridiculous feelings you know in my head telling me, well,
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you should be over it by now it's been X
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amount of years. But the part that I wasn't telling myself,
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was that I hadn't dealt with it at all.
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Speaker 3: Right, so we're.
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Speaker 2: Basically starting at day one.
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Speaker 3: Like for me, it's like when I start thinking of that,
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you know, like back, you know, like two years ago
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or say it's like around that time, it's like, what
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was I doing that day? I was getting high. I
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was hiding my emotions, hiding my feelings, hiding my just
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masking my pain.
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Speaker 2: Yeah. Yeah, So give yourself grace going through that grief
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process because you are basically starting from day one of
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that whole grieving process because you haven't dealt with it yet.
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How do you tell the difference between a craving and
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an emotion?
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Speaker 3: An emotion, I don't know craving. When I have a craving,
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I can taste it, sure, I can, Like I don't
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even think about you know, I just drive by something
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that's like I smell it or I taste it, and
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it's just get out of my mouth.
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Speaker 2: Yeah.
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Speaker 3: An emotion, I can deal with it. I can, you know,
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go through that thought process of why you're why are
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you thinking this way or why are you doing it
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that way? Or and just talking to other people about it.
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Got to hate that daste.
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Speaker 2: Yeah, that's it's an ugly feeling. And I know I
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had somebody describe it to me one time as like
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when you eat a sour candy and like the back
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of your job like gets weird.
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Speaker 3: Like lockjaw. Yeah, that's a good way to put it.
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Speaker 2: So anytime that, even now, you know, eleven and a
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half years later, whenever I get cravings and that's like
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all I can think of, I'm just like, no, no
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sour candy for me. And ever since somebody told me
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that about the sour candy, I'm like, Okay, nope, we're
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not We're just not going to ever eat sour candy again.
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Speaker 3: No more. I love. I love period.
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Speaker 2: I do too. It's insane. What coping skill sounded ridiculous
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at first but actually worked for you?
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Speaker 3: One day at a time. Everybody says one day at
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a time. One day at a time. It's like, shut
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up about It's like I want to work, I want
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what am I going to do tomorrow? Or what do
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I need to work on for tomorrow? What do I future?
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But yeah, one day at a time.
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Speaker 2: It's I hated hearing that.
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Speaker 3: I hated it. Every five people, every five words, one
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day at a time.
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Speaker 2: Yeah, one day at a time, stopped telling me that.
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Speaker 3: It's like totally, I'm ready to go to bed now,
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let's go over tomorrow.
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Speaker 2: Yeah, that was for me too. That was I think
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the most ridiculous saying that I heard at the beginning
15:50
of my recovery, and I resented it for the longest time.
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And then and now I find myself telling like my
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group members and people on my individual case load that
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and I'm like, Jesus, I sound terrible. No wonder people
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want to curse my name. What does self care realistically
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look like for you?
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Speaker 3: Get in a fade, get a haircut. There's nothing better
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than getting a fresh haircut. That's self care to me, which.
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Speaker 2: I imagine you probably neglected in your active addiction. I shaped
16:36
it so then didn't even have to bother.
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Speaker 3: With you, didn't have to bother with it. No, I
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was smart. I should right.
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Speaker 2: I'm not sure I would have looked good without hair
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Who held hope for you before you could hold it
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for your self?
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Speaker 3: My ex wife.
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Speaker 2: I think that's so beautiful that you have that relationship
17:09
with her.
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Speaker 3: Oh, it's it's it's some people like you're crazy, like
17:14
you're lying. I'm like, no, it's actually it's true. Like
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if I didn't have her, I want, I won't even
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have I won't even be associated with my son. I
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probably yeah, you know, yeah.
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Speaker 2: Not only for you. I think it's really beautiful, but
17:31
it's it's really beautiful for him.
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Speaker 3: Oh for sure, you know. Absolutely. Yeah. To see that
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that's such a solid relationship.
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Speaker 2: That's awesome. I like that makes my heart so happy
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for you.
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Speaker 3: It's it's my boy wouldn't be who he is today
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if it wasn't for us being you know, cold parenting.
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And that's from day one, even when I fell off
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after seven years and during COVID, you know, after my
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divorce and COVID lost my job and I knew only
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one way to make money, you know, and she still
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never took him away from me. She was always you know,
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dropping them off.
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Speaker 2: Or yeah, yeah, well she sounds like she's an incredible woman.
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Speaker 3: She is.
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Speaker 2: She probably with you. What would you say to someone
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who is terrified to ask for help? I imagine as
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a recovery coach with harpview, you encounter that a lot
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people are scared to ask for help.
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Speaker 3: Let go your pride, let all that ego, that there's
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nobody better than you. No, you are, you're Yeah, that's
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one thing that was tough with you know, you know,
18:50
especially men in recovery don't work. Well, that guy's better
18:53
than me or you know, I can't ask for him
18:55
for help. But it's not I got I got a
18:58
really good friend here and very successful man, and he's
19:03
been there for while I was in jail and I
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didn't even know when I was he was reaching out
19:08
to me, you know, and he's been by my side
19:11
the whole time.
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Speaker 2: Yeah.
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Speaker 3: I had to let go of that pride just because
19:15
he's you know, he's he's a good friend. Yeah.
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Speaker 2: I think that's a huge thing, especially coming from a man,
19:22
because society has this, you know, stigma for men that
19:30
you can't ask for help, you can't have emotions, you
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have to be the man of the house, and you
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have to do all these things.
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Speaker 3: Yeah, so real men don't cry. Yeah right, I love crying.
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Speaker 2: Good, you know, I mean, that's healthy things. It's not
19:48
healthy to not feel your emotions.
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Speaker 3: Like a lot of people when people start crying, you know,
19:53
LIKEY grab the tissue and give it to him. My
19:56
true our counselor in Barboro. You wouldn't even tissues in
20:00
the room because you know, you make us, you know,
20:03
you get deep in our in our soul. And he's like,
20:06
you guys, got to let that out. You don't have
20:08
to wipe it away like hiding something. Let it all, cry,
20:12
let them tears flow. Yeah, it's healthy. It is healthy,
20:16
very healthy.
20:17
Speaker 2: For men and for women. For I don't care how
20:20
old you are, how young you are, Crying is healthy.
20:24
It's therapeutic. And so I you know, I love that
20:29
you have said that you know and are open about
20:32
emotions and things like that, because seeing a man in
20:36
recovery that you know can do those things is inspiring.
20:41
I think for other men to seeing Okay, I don't
20:46
have to hide my emotions. I don't have to be
20:48
ashamed when something hurts.
20:51
Speaker 3: Like when I was in jail, I cried. I mean
20:53
I let it out, you know, and people look at
20:54
me like I'm crazy. It's like you're not human or what.
20:58
But behind closed doors they're over there wiping their tears
21:01
and knowing the shower. Oh I'm not crying, I'm taking
21:03
a shower. No, come on, bro, like let it out.
21:05
Speaker 2: Yeah.
21:06
Speaker 3: Yeah, that's what a lot you see that A lot
21:08
in jail, people get off the phone and they run
21:10
to that shower right away. They're letting their they're crying
21:13
in that shower.
21:13
Speaker 2: Right because yeah, I mean, and being in jail is hard.
21:17
Speaker 3: Yeah.
21:18
Speaker 2: You know, you don't have access to your family, You
21:21
don't have access to supports of any kind really, right.
21:27
Speaker 3: I was very I was fortunate though, like my parents,
21:29
you know, like they know, when I get bored, I eat. Okay,
21:35
when I'm healthy, I eat.
21:36
Speaker 2: Yeah.
21:37
Speaker 3: And the only thing that's going to keep me going
21:39
is be able to text my boy. Yeah every day.
21:42
You know. I didn't text anybody but my mom, my dad,
21:45
and my son and my ex wife. Yeah, because healthy
21:49
supports very healthy, very healthy. Yeah.
21:53
Speaker 2: And I think that's another thing too that people don't
21:57
take into consideration is because people are in your life
22:02
in active addiction doesn't mean that they're supporting you.
22:06
Speaker 3: Yeah.
22:07
Speaker 2: And I had somebody tell me the other day that
22:12
people are leaving them like they have the plague now
22:14
that they're sober. Well you kind of do, right, Yeah,
22:19
I do.
22:20
Speaker 3: I post a lot on my Facebook, you know, just
22:22
you know, stuff that I catch on people, you know,
22:25
for hearing people. And I got a lot of family
22:28
on my Facebook and just knowing that they're they're even
22:31
looking at it or hard net means a lot. Yeah,
22:35
you know, but there's yeah, there's some people that don't.
22:39
It's kind of irritating, but it's okay though, right, because
22:42
you think that they're there for you, but maybe they are,
22:45
maybe they're not. I don't know, but it'd be.
22:47
Speaker 2: Nice to know, right, Yeah, sometimes it would be nice
22:51
to know, just that little motivated kick. What's the best
22:57
thing someone said to you.
22:59
Speaker 3: In early recovery, I'm here for you.
23:05
Speaker 2: Yeah, that's a strong statement.
23:07
Speaker 3: Very strong. I heard it from the same person I
23:11
was talking to the day I got a jail I
23:12
had I had Smiths calls from him and I called
23:15
him back and yeah, I've been living in living here
23:21
for two years and you've seen me on busted newspaper
23:24
and that dang busted I.
23:28
Speaker 2: Know, blessing in a disguis and occurs all in when.
23:31
Speaker 3: Yeah, right, Yeah, every time I went to jail, my
23:37
mom knew if my mom had a text and she
23:39
knew all safe.
23:42
Speaker 2: Yeah, And that's a hard reality for a lot of people,
23:45
is does your family want you to be incarcerated? No,
23:51
absolutely not, but they know that you're someplace safe. They
23:55
know that you especially living in North Dakota, they know
23:58
that you're not going to be out there for you
24:00
using to death or like right now, burning alive.
24:05
Speaker 3: Yeah. So like early, you know, the first couple of
24:08
years of my recovery, you know, I during in COVID.
24:12
You know, I ended up in jail quite a bit,
24:14
but they didn't know they weren't holding people. So it's
24:17
kind of fun being in you know, an addiction. Yeah, well,
24:20
you ain't gonna hold me in jail. I'm going back
24:22
out right, you know. But after you know, COVID hit,
24:25
you know, I'd get bailed out. But these last year
24:29
and a half or so, my butt sat until the
24:35
judge said you know what I mean?
24:39
Speaker 2: Yeah, and then yeah, and then unfortunately, family members do
24:43
breathe a sigh of relief because Okay, there's someplace safe.
24:49
I don't have to worry about getting that late night
24:52
phone call that's something terrible happened, because I know where
24:55
they are. M what is an underrated recovery tool?
25:08
Speaker 3: I tell myself every day, Get in the gym, exercise, Yeah,
25:16
the exercise, get your mind up things, and yeah, just
25:21
getting out of just go and do it. It's hard, yeah,
25:25
you know, it is, it is.
25:27
Speaker 2: It's it's so hard, I mean, yeah, but then it's
25:30
so rewarding. How good you feel afterwards, and you know,
25:34
you drag your bet there and you grumble about it
25:36
the whole way.
25:37
Speaker 3: Right, I'm happy to be where I'm at right now. Yeah.
25:41
See ten months ago I was probably fifty pounds less,
25:44
you know. Yeah, so it is what it is.
25:48
Speaker 2: Yeah, and yeah, but and making yourself feel good and
25:55
getting some of those endorphins and things like that from
25:59
something healthy is huge, right because then it's who.
26:03
Speaker 3: Wants to sweat? And days like today, Yeah.
26:06
Speaker 2: I can go stand outside and sweat.
26:09
Speaker 3: That's a song right there.
26:13
Speaker 2: Or you know, go get in my car after we're
26:15
done here in all sweat. Yeah, what is a phrase
26:21
that you're tired of hearing?
26:23
Speaker 3: And recovery relapses? Part of recovery, relapses, a lot of recovery.
26:33
That's powerful, very powerful, very very powerful. Doing your daily meditation,
26:39
doing your daily prayers. You know, I've been trying to
26:42
get on my knees every morning just to thank the Lord,
26:45
my higher power, whoever's listening, honestly, yeah, I mean I
26:48
don't care who's listening. That's my that's my higher power. Yeah,
26:51
it could be this microphone.
26:52
Speaker 2: Right, Yeah, I know that there's something bigger than me
26:55
out there somewhere.
26:57
Speaker 3: It's just relapsed part of recovery. It's just you're setting
26:59
yourself up for free. You're setting yourself up to your
27:03
next high.
27:04
Speaker 2: You're leaving that door open. You're leaving it open, or
27:08
the window or whatever.
27:09
Speaker 3: Whatever it is. And you hate that phrase. I just
27:12
that's one thing I hate. Relapse is not part of
27:15
my recovery. It's lack of meetings, therapy, you know, yeah,
27:24
talking to people, talking to people, talk yeah, yeah, talking
27:29
to you. Yeah. I talk about my recover every day.
27:33
I mean at work, yeah, because I'm not. I have
27:37
a second job, full time job, and I talk about
27:40
my recovery every day.
27:42
Speaker 2: And you never know by talking about your recovery, who
27:48
might be listening.
27:49
Speaker 3: I want something that guy has.
27:52
Speaker 2: And you know there may be somebody listening that you
27:56
don't even know is struggling with something. And so then
28:01
by listening to you talk about your recovery and how
28:04
good things have gotten, somebody else might come up to
28:09
you and say, hey, man, like how do I get that?
28:13
What do I need to do, you know, or open
28:17
up to you about Hey, I'm struggling. I think that
28:20
this might be a problem for me.
28:21
Speaker 3: I'll listen to anybody. Yeah, I don't care where you
28:24
came from, because I've seen the lows of people and
28:27
how low I got at times. In my eyes, I
28:31
don't see how anybody can get any lower than I
28:33
I was.
28:34
Speaker 2: Yeah, And that not judging, you know, having somebody tell
28:42
you that it's okay. Yeah, I'm not here to judge. No,
28:47
I'm here to listen. And if I can't help you,
28:51
I'll find somebody that can react exactly. And I think
28:55
that is something, especially now that you are a recovery
28:58
coach and you work with like Street Outreach and do
29:01
things like that. I think it's amazing that you have
29:03
that experience.
29:04
Speaker 3: It's very humbling because I was there, Yeah, living out
29:08
of my storage unit back in twenty twenty, because I
29:11
didn't want to leave Bismarck. Yeah, after my divorce, until
29:15
I racked up twenty chargers in a year and a half.
29:21
That's hard, Yeah, really hard.
29:25
Speaker 2: How do you overcome that?
29:28
Speaker 3: Keep pushing? Okay, one foot in front of the other.
29:33
I only can go high. I can go only and
29:35
go up. Yeah, I only can go up. Yeah, I've
29:38
dug so deep on my rock bottom that my shovel broke.
29:43
It hit rock bottom to where my shovel broke.
29:47
Speaker 2: And then you decided not to unpack and stay there exactly.
29:53
And I yeah, I like that. I mean relapse, and
29:58
relapse happens, you know, for one reason or another. It
30:01
can happen. But I do have to agree that relapses
30:06
a lack of recovery because if I'm not reaching out
30:09
to people, if I'm not telling my support system that
30:13
I'm struggling with something, then it's like an open wound
30:17
that is just gonna fester and get bigger and bigger,
30:20
and all of a sudden, my infection is running rampant
30:26
in my body.
30:27
Speaker 3: Again, I always tell myself if I become I always
30:30
tell you people, if you ever see me not around
30:33
or being quiet, you ain't gonna see me until I
30:37
end up on busting newspaper.
30:40
Speaker 2: That's one thing that that I love seeing. My office
30:45
is right next to the door that you come in,
30:47
and so it's always like when you come in, hey,
30:50
good morning, you know, and I love I love that,
30:57
you know, And so it's it's so awesome to see
31:02
that and to see some of those full circle moments.
31:08
Speaker 3: You know, there's times where I didn't smile, so I
31:10
try to make other people smile because it makes it
31:12
feel so good, you know what.
31:13
Speaker 2: I mean, it does.
31:14
Speaker 4: I know.
31:15
Speaker 2: I have to tell people all the time, especially as
31:17
a counselor, that if I smile at you in public,
31:20
it's not me acknowledging that I know you. It's just
31:24
what I do.
31:25
Speaker 3: Yeah, right, right, because you.
31:27
Speaker 2: Never know, you know, that random smile from somebody in
31:31
the grocery store might make the world of difference. Or
31:36
you know, somebody could be having a crap day and
31:38
your smile and holding the door open makes the difference.
31:41
Speaker 3: That's one thing I'm struggling with right now is just
31:43
you know, working with hard view and so seeing people
31:45
in public, I can't approach them. It's so hard. It's
31:52
so hard. It is hard because I'm a social bug.
31:55
I'll talk to anybody.
31:57
Speaker 2: Yeah, I mean, yeah, it's it's very hard, very hard.
32:03
And I think one advantage that you have is you
32:06
are so personable and so then people are drawn to you.
32:10
So then they want to come up to you.
32:12
Speaker 5: And I want them to come back, so then I
32:14
could talk to them. You make that first attempt though
32:19
I'm here, and then it.
32:23
Speaker 2: Shows them too that you're a good support, you know, try,
32:28
you know, and being open with Yeah, I've been there
32:33
and if I can get this far, anybody can and.
32:36
Speaker 3: I got long ways to go.
32:38
Speaker 2: Yeah.
32:39
Speaker 3: M hmm.
32:42
Speaker 2: What is one thing that sobriety did not magically fix?
32:48
Speaker 3: Gaining trust with my love the loved ones, with the family. Oh,
32:53
I've heard this before. Yeah, mine's it going to mess up?
32:58
Or when are you going to do what you used
32:59
to do?
33:00
Speaker 2: Yeah?
33:02
Speaker 3: Yeah, Like the biggest thing was when I got my
33:05
TRL you know, I was just I don't I got
33:08
such a bad credit, you know, just asking my dad
33:13
for some money to you know, for a car, you know,
33:16
and it's he he wasn't. He wasn't up for it
33:20
because there's so many times I tell him, I'll pay
33:23
you back, I'll do this, I'll pay you back. I promise,
33:26
I promise, And I just told him, like Dad, I mean,
33:29
I will every week every two weeks with my check.
33:34
I just I don't even see the money. It goes
33:37
right into his checking account. I don't even see the money,
33:39
you know. So it just feels good that I'm able
33:41
to do that. And just just gaining that trust back. Yeah,
33:44
that's a big one. With my dad. I mean, I'm
33:47
a mama's boy. I mean, but with my old man,
33:51
it ain't happening. Yeah, it feels good. It really does
33:56
feel good that he's a full blood of German too.
33:59
Speaker 2: And it's a firecracker right after that instant yelling right away.
34:05
Speaker 3: Yeah, but it was really it feels so good, it does.
34:10
Speaker 2: That's something that really touches my heart. Because I'm a
34:13
daddy's girl. And when I got sober, my mom co
34:18
signed on alone for me so I could get a car,
34:21
and she told me that she'd never done it if
34:25
I wasn't sober, right, and that car has long been
34:32
paid off and sold to somebody else. And but yeah,
34:37
having that feeling of okay, I can gain their trust back. Yeah,
34:42
and I can do something good.
34:45
Speaker 3: Right, And you know my mom, you know, my mom
34:47
has been holding her ground a lot, you know, with
34:49
my you know, during my addiction. You know, I call
34:54
and you know when I was in she would never
34:56
give me money. She would give me a gift card
34:58
because she knew I was going to or something yeah,
35:01
I couldn't take money off that gift card because that's
35:03
what I was trying to do, right, But I mean
35:06
it is I could. Yeah, I was trying so much
35:08
different ways to go buy something out and gift card
35:11
and take it back for cash, but it wasn't happening.
35:13
Had to get insot of credit. It's like, but what
35:16
what else is new?
35:17
Speaker 2: Yeah?
35:18
Speaker 5: You know?
35:18
Speaker 3: Yeah?
35:19
Speaker 2: And ding them parents, they know they do, yeah they yeah,
35:26
you know, and it's like, no, I won't give you
35:28
money for groceries, but I'll go to the grocery store
35:31
with you and buy some groceries for you. I don't
35:35
want your groceries.
35:36
Speaker 3: Yeah, and you know, thank God for FaceTime, you know,
35:39
like I don't call my mom, I FaceTime er just
35:43
so she can see my reaction or see what I'm doing,
35:45
you know what I mean.
35:46
Speaker 2: Like yeah, so then she can look at you.
35:47
Speaker 3: Yeah, and she see if I'm full of wazoo, you
35:51
know what I mean.
35:52
Speaker 4: Yeah, Yeah, that's that's awesome, because you know it is
35:56
it's easy to you know, fake a laugh or you
36:02
know whatever.
36:03
Speaker 2: But if they're looking at you, especially when it comes
36:06
to parents, parents just know when you're full of it.
36:11
And especially when they're looking at you, even if it
36:13
is through a screen of like doing face time, then
36:16
they're like, are you telling me the truth right now?
36:19
Or are you full of bs?
36:22
Speaker 3: I'm full of it, They'll they'll know that's so. I
36:25
just like to have that. They know, have face to face.
36:27
Speaker 2: You know, what keeps you sober on hard days?
36:35
Speaker 3: Staying out of my own head.
36:37
Speaker 2: Hoof da, that's a hard one.
36:39
Speaker 3: It is hard. I got They say you have thirty
36:43
eight thousand thoughts a day. I'm twice that.
36:47
Speaker 2: Yeah, there's a weird hamster wheel that just runs constantly.
36:51
Speaker 3: Up there, exactly. Yeah. And my ex wife would always say,
36:57
I don't I would love to see what's going on
36:59
in your head. I'm like, no, you do.
37:00
Speaker 2: Not, No, let's not go there.
37:05
Speaker 3: You would have gray hair from you know. Yeah?
37:08
Speaker 2: Yeah, you think our kid is going to give you
37:10
gray hair?
37:12
Speaker 3: Right?
37:16
Speaker 2: Yeah? Yeah. Getting out of my own head is hard.
37:19
There's some days where I would like to leave me
37:21
in my office and go home at the end of
37:23
the night. I haven't figured out how to do that.
37:27
So if you figure out how to leave yourself somewhere
37:29
and go home, let me know, because I'm on board.
37:35
Define recovery in three words.
37:39
Speaker 3: There's so many words that I can describe in that,
37:41
but clean, sober, and today. In the book, they always
37:48
you know, patience, presence, and persistence or the three rs.
37:53
What is it relapse? What is it recovery? I forget
37:57
what it is.
38:01
Speaker 2: I can see it, I can like almost hear people
38:03
saying it, but now I can't think of it.
38:06
Speaker 3: They say the three rs. But yeah, just clean. It's
38:10
over today because I don't know what's gonna happen tomorrow.
38:17
What I do today affects my tomorrow.
38:21
Speaker 2: Yeah.
38:22
Speaker 3: If I go to bed happy, I wake up happy.
38:26
Mm hmm.
38:30
Speaker 2: What gives you work today?
38:34
Speaker 3: Seeing others succeed? Just feeling you know, like a lot
38:39
of people have these short term goals or long term goals,
38:42
and just those short term goals are huge. They are
38:47
they are They're just they're just so big. Just see
38:51
another succeed of doing what they said they were gonna
38:55
do and actually do it. That's why I say I'm done.
38:59
I'm not. There's no going to the gym with me
39:02
anymore right now because I'll never done that. I'm not
39:04
never gonna do it anytime soon. My schedule got fulfilled.
39:08
Now we're working at hard View and yeah, doing street
39:13
outreach is yeah, and then working full time at my
39:17
other job. My days are filled. Yeah, no time for
39:22
self care. No, just kidding.
39:26
Speaker 2: Make sure you go get those hats for sure. What
39:31
would you tell the version of yourself who thought they'd
39:34
never make it out?
39:39
Speaker 3: Stay away from them, fake friends, stay away from them,
39:44
those phonies, those just stay away from them.
39:49
Speaker 2: Yeah.
39:49
Speaker 3: The only time they're with you is when they're when
39:52
they're using.
39:53
Speaker 2: Right, when you have something that they when I.
39:56
Speaker 3: When after I got sober, I don't hear from nobody anymore.
39:59
I mean, I you the good, the good people. I
40:02
mean there's still people that you know that reach out
40:05
to me, and I know there's still an active addiction.
40:07
They're saying congrat I'm proud of you. Yeah, yeah, or
40:12
they say you know this. One person said you've changed
40:16
so much, and I'm like, you should try it.
40:19
Speaker 2: Yeah, it's incredible. It is how different things.
40:22
Speaker 3: Can kind of a sassy remark, but it's it's true love. Yeah,
40:27
try it. It's hard. Change sucks, it does, but it
40:32
is so rewarding and.
40:34
Speaker 2: Nobody ever died from being uncomfortable. No, we might feel
40:38
like we're gonna die. Yeah, right, you're right, But nobody
40:42
ever actually did.
40:43
Speaker 3: No. Let's hope not no.
40:48
Speaker 2: And I have to remind myself of that because there's things,
40:51
you know, where change happens, and I, you know, have
40:55
this joke that I'm an old dog, you can't teach
40:57
me new tricks. But then once I open myself up
41:01
to that change, it's like, oh, good Lord, that was ridiculous.
41:05
I made you know?
41:07
Speaker 3: Right? Also, you know, when you quit doing drugs, there's
41:11
a hole in your hole, in your body, your chest,
41:14
and what you do with that you got to fulfill
41:16
with something. Mental health is a real deal. Mental health
41:20
and addiction go hand and hand because when we use,
41:24
we're hiding. When I used, I was hiding my pain,
41:27
hiding my loneliness, my poured them, all that stuff. But
41:30
what am I doing now to fulfill it?
41:32
Speaker 2: Right? Yeah, you're filling all these voids with unhealthy things.
41:38
Very and then you get sober, and then you have
41:43
to sit with you and you have to figure out
41:48
how to get yourself off that hamster wheel and deal
41:51
with those bazillion thoughts that are going through your head.
41:55
Speaker 3: Every depression. The depression, that's a big thing. Too, you know,
42:00
just mental health. See a therapist, yeah, or counselor would
42:05
do someone on ones?
42:06
Speaker 2: Yeah.
42:07
Speaker 3: I mean, if you go through six therapists, it's because
42:10
so be it. You're trying to find the one that
42:12
you trust, right.
42:14
Speaker 2: I tell people that all the time that come to
42:17
my group or wind up on my individual case load.
42:19
If you're not connecting with me, let me know, I
42:23
won't be offended. I would much rather somebody come to
42:26
me and say, hey, I don't think that we're connecting.
42:28
Is there somebody else that I can see? Then struggle
42:33
through it and not get anything out of our sessions.
42:39
So I think that that's awesome that you brought that up,
42:41
you know, I know you've mentioned mental health a few
42:43
times throughout this interview, and that's so wonderful to here again,
42:48
especially from a man, because society tells you that, oh
42:53
that's for women.
42:54
Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, well that's just would you know when they
42:56
ask you would you rather have wou when I call you,
42:58
would you ever have a man or a woman? And
43:00
I'm like, I'd rather talk to a female, sure, So
43:03
I'd have no let that ego, will you know?
43:06
Speaker 2: Yeah?
43:06
Speaker 3: I mean, and then they say, you know in treatment court.
43:09
They they want you to go through therapy, try it
43:14
three times. If it doesn't work, then it's not in
43:17
your part of your recovery, right, you can try something else.
43:20
Speaker 2: Right, And that's so funny to me because you know
43:26
with kids and things like that, and try a food
43:29
three times, yeah, you know, and then if you really
43:33
don't like it, then you really don't like it. So yeah,
43:36
try therapy three times, you know, And yeah, maybe it's
43:40
the therapist that you're not connecting with. Maybe it's the
43:42
counselor that you're not connecting with. Maybe it's the treatment
43:46
center that you're not connecting. Right. I've heard that from
43:48
people too, where they have gone through different treatment centers,
43:53
you know, in the state of North Dkota, out of
43:55
the state of North Dkota, and then they come through
43:58
Heartview and they're like, why does this make sense now?
44:02
Speaker 3: Right? Yeah? And it really sticks with me only just
44:05
bringing that up. Like and when I was in Faro
44:07
with one of my first treatment stings out of the
44:11
steven I've been in the last six years, one of
44:14
my councilors reminded me of my grandpa on my mom's side,
44:18
and it crushed me, like I got up and walked out,
44:21
and he's liked, you walked out, so what's wrong? And
44:25
I'm like, you're just reminding my grandpa did. I couldn't
44:28
handle it, but then I just went back and kept
44:31
on going back and kept on going back. He was
44:33
actually one of my best cancers I had. Yeah, this
44:37
weird hell, stuff like that happens in recovery.
44:40
Speaker 2: It is, and it's to me, it's a shot from
44:44
somebody out there bigger than me that is telling me
44:48
that I need to learn something from this person, or
44:51
that they have something that I need to learn, or
44:54
that I need to hear that I'm not going to
44:59
hear from anybody. Yeah, if someone listening today is one
45:07
day sober, what do you want them to know?
45:11
Speaker 3: It doesn't get easier, it gets better. Yeah, reach out
45:15
and get help. Life is so much more valuable, even
45:21
if you have to be lonely for by yourself for
45:24
thirty sixty, ninety whatever days. It is just That's why
45:29
I'm happy where I'm at today because just being my myself,
45:33
I had to do it, not talking to nobody, Yeah,
45:37
except for family members. But yeah, it gets it doesn't
45:41
get easier. Sobriety doesn't get easier. It gets better.
45:45
Speaker 2: Yeah, it's still hard work.
45:48
Speaker 3: And it's hard work every day.
45:50
Speaker 2: And I like to tell my group members too that
45:56
you're constantly having to learn. It's like if I lost
45:59
one of my limbs. It's not just going to come back.
46:04
I'm going to learn to live differently and I'm going
46:10
to learn to cope differently. And is it going to
46:17
be easy in the beginning.
46:18
Speaker 3: No, not at all.
46:20
Speaker 2: But it will get better.
46:21
Speaker 3: It does get better.
46:22
Speaker 2: It gets a lot better.
46:24
Speaker 3: It's still going to be hard, but yes, yeah, yeah.
46:27
Speaker 2: And I mean I'm here to tell you eleven and
46:30
a half years later, I still have days where I'm
46:33
just like, oh, why am I doing this?
46:35
Speaker 3: It's a good number, it's a good note of congratulations.
46:38
Speaker 2: Thank you. What's your reason to stay?
46:50
Speaker 3: Going back to my son again? You know, it's just it,
46:54
life is just I want to be there for him.
46:59
Speaker 2: Yeah.
47:00
Speaker 3: You know, there's a lot of people out there, you
47:02
know that they're n in addiction and I'm not that
47:06
one person. But my family's always been there for me.
47:08
And you know, I grew up in a family of
47:13
drinking and and I never went that round cause I
47:16
knew I seen where it was going with me, I
47:19
just don't. I just shown my boy I D that's
47:22
my reason to stay is just keep on doing what
47:24
you're doing. Cause seeing the smile in his space every
47:27
day when I we I mean he works with me too,
47:29
and just to see the smile on his face, being
47:31
able to joke around for him, it's yeah, it's it's
47:35
really rewarding, Yeah, really rewarding. And just cause I l
47:42
there's so many people that I lost, you know, in addiction,
47:46
and yeah, addiction not a pretty pretty thing.
47:52
Speaker 2: No it's not, it's not.
47:55
Speaker 3: It's very ugly.
47:56
Speaker 2: Yeah, the other side of it's beautiful.
47:58
Speaker 3: Though, very beautiful. Yeah, being able to walk around and
48:03
just be your goofy cell. I would never do that
48:06
in an addiction. No, no way. I was a night all.
48:10
I was out at.
48:11
Speaker 2: Night yeah, yeah I was. Yeah, things were just not good.
48:19
Speaker 3: Yeah, you don't want me walking around sweaty. I was
48:21
at I was at nighttime and you know, nobody's seen me.
48:27
Speaker 2: So what message of hope do you want to leave
48:30
listeners with today?
48:37
Speaker 3: Everybody says it. You know, if I can do it,
48:38
anybody can do it, you know. I mean it's true,
48:42
like there's times where I felt like I had nothing.
48:47
I felt like I had no hope, just waiting for
48:51
that day to come. And but if they're listening now,
48:57
just take twenty minutes out of your day and just
49:01
if you're struggling, just call somebody. Yeah, go to a meeting.
49:06
Meetings are there's a new meeting. It's CMA CMA on
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Monday nights at the Hub five point thirty Crystal Crystal
49:13
meth Anonymous. We're going on three months now or two months? Yeah,
49:18
we're going two months now, it'll be the third month
49:21
next Yeah. And I walked in that meeting.
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Speaker 2: It was it.
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Speaker 3: That's the best, one of the best meetings that I've
49:29
been to.
49:30
Speaker 2: I've yet to walk into a meeting and not feel
49:33
like I was at home.
49:35
Speaker 3: I feel.
49:37
Speaker 2: Right. You know, you get welcomed and you get encouragement.
49:45
Speaker 3: Helloah.
49:48
Speaker 2: So if you're out there listening and you see Chad
49:51
walk up and say hi, Hi, Yeah, walk up Hi,
49:55
Well thank you Chad for coming on and thank you
49:58
for having me. Of course, well have to do it again,
50:02
you sure