Latest / Intimate Conversations with Men about Life, Love, and Sex / OCD: One Cool Dude with Hector Angulo, 22-Year Marine Veteran
Transcript
- [00:00:00] Hector: Obviously when you, when you have so much built up inside, no matter what it is, and you find somebody that you can just like, it feels like the whole weight is out of you, you know? [00:00:08] Elena: Yes. [00:00:09] Hector: Like the weight off your shoulders. And it does, it does help. But then it's like, for me it just builds back up. You know, the weight comes back on your shoulders and, and the way that I process that now or help it, and again, this is just me, it's keeping myself busy. [00:00:26] Hector: I, I go back to that. It's keeping myself busy. It keeps my mind busy, and that kinda like does the same thing for me. [00:00:31] Voiceover: Welcome to Intimate Conversations With Men, about life, love, and sex. The conversations you're about to hear don't happen often. Not in boardrooms, not in locker rooms, rarely anywhere. Elena Sofia Ruiz has invested 37 years studying how individuals think, operate, connect, and how they are mentally built, and she has a rare gift for creating the kind of space where men actually go there. [00:00:54] Voiceover: Relationships, health, emotional intimacy, personal growth, real talk from the male perspective. So settle in. This one goes deep. [00:01:03] Elena: Thank you for joining. I have a question for all of you. How important is your safety? When you live in a place where you don't feel safe, do you get security in your home? Do you feel safe in your home, your city? [00:01:21] Elena: How about your state? Do you feel safe when you go outside? Your country, do you feel saf- safe in your country? Because today guest His job has been about keeping us all safe. Hector Angulo He joined the Marines in 1998. He deployed five times, three to Afghanistan, one to Iraq, and one to Japan. He has three kids and three more that have four legs. [00:02:00] Elena: Please help me welcome Hector Angulo. Welcome to today's conversation. Hector, wow. I don't even know how old you are, but 1998. Are you still active? [00:02:18] Hector: No, retired. [00:02:20] Elena: So what was, um... If we go back to the 18-year-old, and we go in his mind, and we ask what make him, uh, join the Marines? What was the decision? What was the final decision? [00:02:41] Elena: What was, what was he thinking? [00:02:43] Hector: Well, I didn't come up with that when I was 18 years old. It all started literally when I was in second grade. [00:02:49] Elena: Oh, wow. [00:02:50] Hector: Um [00:02:54] Hector: So that's-- I, I still remember it because my sister kind of like laughs about it still. Um, ended up getting a sticker from our teacher who former student showed up To pass them out to the, to, to us. And it was just like a green bumper sticker. It was camouflage and it said Marines. And I saw him, and I was like, "That's cool. He looks cool." I don't know what he was, but he was just dressed cool, got a sticker, and it was just like, I was just like memor- mesmerized. And then it was time to, to, to get out of s- to get out of class, and they used to like line us up. When the bell rang, we'd run to our cars, and I was like anxious and like excited to show my mom, like, "I got this sticker of a Marine. I don't know what it is." And so as I was running to the car 'cause I was so excited, I got in and I'm just trying to go fumble through my, my folder where I put it, and the sticker wasn't there. And my sister was like, "What are you looking for?" I was like, "Oh, it's this sticker. Like, hold on." And then, you know, I, I was... i, I... If I remember correctly, I was describing what it was, and then my sister looks up and she's like, "Is it that one?" And some kid, I guess, had picked it up and just walked away with it, and she's like, "Well, go get, go get it." And I was like, from like the youngest I remember, I was always shy. So I was just like, "It's gone." [00:04:20] Hector: And so then that always stuck in my mind and, you know, this was second grade, and so I didn't know what a Marine was. I didn't know... I just, wow, you know? I was just like... And so like as the years went on, I started hearing about Marines and looking in encyclopedias, you know, look- we were looking up Marines and, you know, it was like 1990 when Desert Storm hit off, and I saw Marines landing and I... [00:04:46] Hector: It's funny 'cause I still have those clippings. I used to clip the newspaper. [00:04:49] Elena: Mm-hmm. [00:04:50] Hector: Of anything that said Marines. I used to clip them and just put them away, you know, it was like... And so it was like, I think around that time, you know, I was like, "Oh, I'm gonna join the Marines." And from like that point on, from like when I was 10 to like all the way through high school, it was always like... I don't know. I, I think my mom was just, "Yeah, you know, when you join the Marines." I'm like, "Yeah," you know, like, "Yeah, I'm gonna join. Yeah, you're right. When I join the Marines." And she always like... I, I think she always thought I was just like one of those fantasies that kids have until it was my senior year, and it was, uh, it was the summer of my sen- the summer before my senior year. [00:05:32] Hector: One of my buddies had gone to... We had driven out to practice, and one of my buddies had gone to get something to eat, and I guess a recruiter approached him. He's like, "Hey," you know, doing his spiel. He's like, "Oh, I got a buddy. He's been talking about joining the Marines," so he gave him... He gave me the card, and I was just like... [00:05:49] Hector: And that's what it wa- That's what I, that's where I, I got the ball rolling. Called them and I was like, "Hey. Let's do this." And so I think it was a time that my parents had gone to the supermarket, and he called me, and he's like, "Hey, I'm in your area. Can I swing by?" And I was like, "Yeah, sure." And I was on, in the living room watching baseball just, you know, like I am now, just chilling. [00:06:13] Hector: And he comes, and he was in cammies, and I was just like, "Oh, yeah." You know? So and then we were sitting there talking, and he was just doing, you know, like, "Well, what interested you about the Marines?" And I didn't tell him the whole story, but I was like, "Oh, you know, I've done my research and, you know, back in the day with encyclopedias reading when I could." [00:06:32] Hector: And then, you know, about that ti- it was probably there for like maybe like 30 minutes. At about that time, my parents had got home, and my mom opens the door with s- with sh- [00:06:42] Elena: Groceries? [00:06:42] Hector: Uh-huh ... the groceries. And you know, we both stood up, and she, her mouth just like dropped. I remember her, the expression. Her mouth like dropped, and he was like, "Oh my God, he's serious." [00:06:52] Hector: And so it wa- You know, she was like, "Oh my God," like... And then it was just, you know, we started talking, and then he started talking to her, to my dad, and that I was interested. And then, you know, as time went on, it was, uh, I still remember it was like we had gone to the office, like all three of us, me and my mom and my dad gone to the office and going over the contract 'cause you know, you have to sign up. [00:07:15] Hector: You have to, had to get her permission 'cause I was still 17. And It was time for, you know, my mom to sign, and she goes, "Okay, you know, we're gonna take these and we're gonna talk about it." And it was, like, her thing, it was like she didn't wanna sign them. And she was just like, "You know, this, this is a serious, serious thing. I don't want you to go, and all of a sudden, you know, you just don't wanna go anymore because I don't want people coming here looking for you." And I was like, "No, this is, this is what I want." And so it took her about, yeah, about two weeks. Signed the papers, and I was just like, "Hey, w- let's go." And that was it. [00:07:52] Elena: So nobody had to convince you- No ... but m- your mom, your mom had to be convinced. [00:07:56] Hector: Yeah. [00:07:58] Elena: So what has been... How many years, uh, since 1998 have you been in the service? [00:08:07] Hector: Oh, um, I did 22 years and two months. [00:08:11] Elena: 22 years. Um, from the time you joined to 22 years and two months after, what was the primary mindset, the change in you? [00:08:26] Hector: Well, that's the thing too, like I... When I, when I enlisted, my mind was set on, on four years. I didn't know about 20 years. I didn't know about till you retire. I didn't know any of that. So my mindset was just do four years, get out, and see what, what happens. But as time went on, you know, I think that was, like, my second year, or at the end of my second year, I was just dead set on getting out, and then when... [00:08:56] Hector: My first two years I was stationed in Washington, DC, and at the end of those two years I was sent down to Camp Lejeune in North Carolina. And we were... I was gonna do a deployment. It was gonna be a regular deployment, and then, um, 9/11 happened. And so we were... I had flown home on, on, on leave, flew back to DC 'cause I was waiting for, um, one of my buddies 'cause we were gonna take, um, the bus down to Lejeune, and I, I flew back November 10th, or, uh, sorry, um, September 10th. [00:09:35] Hector: So when we woke up September 11th, everybody knows what happened. Yeah. And so at that point, we were like... And I was at the barracks at the base 'cause I still had friends there. [00:09:45] Elena: Mm-hmm. [00:09:45] Hector: And at that time, we were see- we were seeing what happened, and it was just like You know, the first instinct was when we heard about a plane going into the Pen- into the, into the buildings. [00:09:56] Hector: First instinct was like, "Wow, the pilot's an idiot." Like, man, that, that's sad, you know? And then a couple of minutes later, you know, where- however long it was, the other one hit, and it was like, okay, this wasn't an accident. And so then, you know, old Marines that I was, "Hey, aren't you deploying soon? Like, maybe you should call." [00:10:14] Hector: And I was just like, called the, my pl- my, you know, my, my leadership. And at that time, it was, like, right around that time the, the Pentagon was hit. So the Pentagon, if you're not familiar with Washington, DC, the, the freeway, the 395 runs right along the Pentagon. So they had closed the subways, the Metro, the freeway. [00:10:36] Hector: So we were literally stuck in DC. We couldn't go anywhere. And so then I got a... You know, I called them like, "Hey, I'm, I'm in DC. Everything's closed." And, "Oh, you better start hitchhiking back." I was just like, "Okay." And so then we finally made it down there. We got, you know, two days later, and then we got a, you know, a, a, a brief and it was just, you know, one of those things that like a lot of you guys are gonna go into something, you're gonna grow up really quick. [00:11:06] Hector: And we ended up leaving for deployment a week later. Two weeks- [00:11:10] Elena: That was your first time? [00:11:11] Hector: That was our first time. It was about a week, maybe two weeks earlier than expected. Okay. So because of what had happened, we left early. [00:11:18] Elena: Mm-hmm. [00:11:19] Hector: And so then when we were over there, you know, we went down there, we were off the coast of, uh, Pakistan. [00:11:25] Hector: We got the word, we went in, then we flew into Afghanistan and, you know, it was just like, that's when you knew it was getting real and it was up for... But at, at this point, I still hadn't planned on re-enlisting. I was like, all right, you know, I get home- [00:11:42] Elena: How many years have you been already in the service? [00:11:44] Hector: Three years. This was, like, already like- [00:11:45] Elena: So you have in your mind, like, one more year left? [00:11:48] Hector: Yeah. [00:11:48] Elena: Okay. [00:11:49] Hector: So as soon as we get back, you know, I'm on my way out and then s- I, I, I still to this day can't remember what exactly changed, but I put in a packet to re-enlist and it was just like I don't know if I, I don't wanna say that like, "Oh, it was cool being over there," 'cause, you know, we, we, we didn't do much, but, you know, things happened. [00:12:07] Hector: You know, it was the first time ever getting shot at. Yeah. Um, a friend of mine that w- that I was with in DC lost his leg. He stepped on a, on a, on one of the old, um, uh, personal landmines. You know, and it was just like... So I don't even re- I can't really pinpoint as to like what made me decide. I ju- I just thought, you know, this is actually pretty cool. [00:12:26] Hector: This is what I, you know. Everybody- [00:12:28] Elena: This is what, this is what I was born to do. [00:12:30] Hector: I'm not gonna say born, but you know, it was just, I just- [00:12:34] Elena: Okay ... [00:12:34] Hector: the f- the thrill, I guess, if you wanna say. [00:12:36] Elena: Yeah. [00:12:37] Hector: So I re-enlisted and, you know, it was just like, "All right, what do you wanna do now?" [00:12:40] Elena: When you enri- uh, re-enlist- [00:12:42] Hector: Mm-hmm [00:12:42] Elena: it's for another four years? [00:12:43] Hector: It's for another four years, yeah. [00:12:44] Elena: So it's in a four years kinda every time? [00:12:47] Hector: Yeah. It's, it's four years every time. [00:12:49] Elena: Okay. [00:12:49] Hector: And so then it was just like, "Well, what do you wanna do?" And I was just like, "Well, you know, I don't know." [00:12:54] Elena: What happens if somebody enlists or re-enlists for four years and for some reason decides halfway, "Okay, I need to leave." [00:13:02] Hector: Eh, it doesn't happen that way. [00:13:03] Elena: No? [00:13:04] Hector: It's, yeah, you can't, you, it's, it's a contract. [00:13:08] Elena: Okay. [00:13:08] Hector: You know, you can't just, "Oh, well, I'm, I'm tired. I wanna go home." No, it doesn't... You know, they, it, does it happen? Yeah, where guys just go UA. They take off and it, it's happened, like, th- the whole time, you know, while I was in. [00:13:20] Hector: Like, guys just take off. It wasn't for them. It's too hard. They can't take getting yelled at. They can't... A lot of things. Not, it's, it's not for everybody. I'm not, I, I, I could tell you that the, the military in general, let alone Marines, it's not for everybody. [00:13:35] Elena: If I think of what a, a Marine does really. [00:13:39] Hector: You got the Navy. [00:13:40] Elena: Mm-hmm. [00:13:41] Hector: They do a lot of things on ship. [00:13:42] Elena: Mm-hmm. [00:13:42] Hector: Majority of things on ship. [00:13:43] Elena: Yeah. [00:13:44] Hector: They got their special guys, the special ops, it's Navy SEALs. They do all that. You look at the Air Force. [00:13:49] Elena: Mm-hmm. [00:13:50] Hector: Air Force, self-explanatory. It's everything in the air, jets, planes. You look at the Army and they, you know, they're hand-in-hand with what the Marine does. [00:14:00] Elena: Mm-hmm. [00:14:01] Hector: And when you look at it, when you, when you study and look at it, the Marines literally do everything. We do all those three. [00:14:07] Elena: So you train to be in air, land, water, and- [00:14:11] Hector: Yeah, we, we got pilots, land, air, water. You know, and it's just, um, the reputation of the Marine. You know, I mean, the Army is the oldest, um, branch, and I'm not gonna knock on them. [00:14:22] Hector: You know, they do, they do their thing, you know. But Marines just know how to do everything, and it's a running joke, we just do it better. [00:14:30] Elena: So what is that that you don't know how to do under, at d- at home? [00:14:33] Hector: What's that? [00:14:33] Elena: At home. When you're at home, what do you find difficult to do? [00:14:37] Hector: Staying still they s... [00:14:40] Elena: well, that's impossible because the world is rotating [00:14:44] Hector: Yeah, and, and, and everybody's got that issue. [00:14:46] Hector: But, like- See ... with me, like, I, I, I can't sit still. [00:14:50] Elena: So I'm really curious, but I'm not gonna go here, uh, in a chronological way, order, I guess. So after 22 years and two months- Yeah ... you retired. So was it easy or hard or difficult to find a job? [00:15:07] Hector: You know, that was the thing. Like, I... So we, we... I went on terminal in July, and terminal really means that, um, we get vacation time. [00:15:19] Hector: Every year, every year we get 30 days. I had over 100 days of vacation time leave that I didn't use. So when you go on terminal, it's like literally July 1st was my last day where I could put on a uniform and drive to Camp Pendleton and... I was get- I was, I was at home now. I was still getting paid active duty pay all the way to September, the end of September. [00:15:43] Elena: Mm-hmm. [00:15:44] Hector: And at that time, again, I was living in Mission Viejo. Uh, you know, it was like, I was there. I wasn't looking for a job. I was just at home fixing things, 'cause I, my plan was to, to sell my condo and move. And so, like, when I was at Home- when I was at Home Depot, Home Depot was maybe like a mile away. [00:16:02] Hector: I was in the aisle just, you know, getting things to fix the house, and I just happened to see a sign. It says, "Hey, now hiring." And I was like, "It's not gonna be a bad place to, to work, Home Depot. I love Home Depot. Like, who, what guy doesn't?" [00:16:12] Elena: Yeah. [00:16:12] Hector: And so as I was in the aisle, I applied, and I got a call back within, like, a week, and they were like, "Hey, you know, you wanna come in for an interview?" [00:16:20] Hector: And I was like, "Yeah, sure." I walk in, you know, did the interview, and the, the, the lady saw what I did, 'cause, you know, she saw... She went, "Wow, 22 years." I'm like, "Yeah, you know, no, no big deal." You know, to me it was no big deal. And so she, you know, she was going over everything and she was like, "Well, you know, the pay is $15." [00:16:40] Hector: Like, "Are you okay with that?" I'm like, "Yeah, why wouldn't I be?" Like... She was like, "15's good for you?" I'm like, "Yeah." And so I was just like, "Okay." She went like, "Well, when can you start?" And I was like, "Well, this is the thing." I was like, "I can't, I don't wanna start till after October, because I have medical appointments. [00:16:57] Hector: I have this to do. I don't wanna interrupt." So she was like, "Okay." And this was about end of August. Literally two weeks later she calls me, "Hey, can you start mid-September?" And I was like, "I could, but I told you I'm gonna have a plumber." She went, "Oh, no big deal, no big deal." And I was like, "All right, I'll be there." [00:17:15] Hector: So I started working, and it was just, it was full-time, Monday through Friday, and it, and it, and it worked out 'cause it was Monday through Friday. It was from 5:00 to, like, 1:00 in the morn- or 1:00 in the afternoon. Still had plenty of time to get off- [00:17:28] Elena: Mm-hmm ... [00:17:28] Hector: pick up the kids, do whatever. So I was like, oh, cool, it's just a little, little bit more money in my pocket. [00:17:33] Hector: And I was like, no big deal. But at this time my whole aspiration after the Marines was, you know... Like, before I joined the Marine Corps it was either go to the Marines or be a cop. So at this time I was like, I didn't say anything to them, but I was, like, actually in the process to get hired on with the police department. [00:17:52] Hector: And I didn't say anything because, you know, I was like, oh, you know. So ended up that I got hired really quick by a department, and I told her, I was like, "Hey, you know, like, some, uh, officer's gonna call you." And they were like... I'm like, "It wasn't my fault. I didn't mean to kill the guy." I was joking. But, you know, she was like, "They're gonna interview you," and I, like I told her, "No, they're gonna interview." [00:18:14] Hector: Like, I had put in an application. And so she... Then, you know, the three months that I was there, I, I, I made a good name for myself. I was winning safety awards. They gave me this other award and, you know, like, she saw that I was a hard worker and I was like, "Well, yeah, it's easy, you know." Like... And so she was like, "So I have to lie to you for them not to hire you so you can stay here?" [00:18:34] Hector: And I was like I just looked at her, I was like, "Yeah." So I got hired mid-December, and was literally within, like, probably two months I got hired on. And then I stopped working mid-February at Home Depot and I went to this department. And I w- went to the academy. I got hurt at the academy. [00:18:57] Elena: Hmm. [00:18:58] Hector: Two months in, and it was just like, I was crushed, but I was just, "Okay, I need to go back and make it right. I know I wanna go back." And then in between that and when I got back to the department, you know- I'm not gonna say what happened, but it was just like I, I kinda like lost interest. And they wanted me to go back, and it was just... You know, on my way home from, um, that day, you know, I called, I called two of my senior Marines and they were literally like, "You know, that sucks." [00:19:31] Hector: I was like, "Yeah, you know, but I wanna go back." And, and it was like those words will never... They're still ringing in my head every now and then. They're like, "Wasn't 22 years enough bullshit for you?" And I was just like, "No, but I like it, you know, and this, isn't that." And then, like that night I didn't sleep, and I made the decision just to resign. [00:19:51] Hector: And I, I think I felt good about it. Like, okay, you know what? I tried it, didn't work out. Time to move on. And so went back, turned in all my gear and, you know, they, they... I mean, I'm not gonna say they were, but they were just like, "Really man? You, like you don't think you could do it again?" I'm like, "No, I can." [00:20:11] Hector: It's just, you know what? I'm hurt and... But it was something, you know. [00:20:15] Elena: With a man of your caliber, with the work that you've done as a Marine, do you perceive it will be as challenging some individuals to be intimidated by, by your experience, your p- You know, like the Home Depot lady, right? Like, are you sure they're already like labeling you as this individual who, you know, he- Well- he fixes more than, you know- [00:20:38] Hector: And the, the, that was the- ... toilets and stuff ... that was the thing too. Like I don't, I mean, I don't know how people perceive it, but that was the thing. It's like, you know, when, when you're at a person or at a level like I am or just, you know, retired and, you know, the first time I went up to her, like, it was like, "Hey, I gotta leave work early because I have an appointment." [00:20:56] Hector: "Oh, you know, you're full-time. I don't think you can do that." And that's the thing. I don't think people expect it because, you know, again, I'm not gonna say all because I was a Marine or, you know. But it's like I know how to... I know my worth. And I looked at her and I was, like, pointing at her. I was like, "No. You know, like, I told you what was gonna happen. I... That I was gonna have medical appointments. This is for my benefits. This is for my..." And she just stood back and I was like, "You can fire me, I don't care, but I told you this. This is for my family, you know." And she just looked at me like, "Oh, hey, you're good to go." [00:21:33] Hector: And I was like, "All right. Cool." You know? And then the next day I come back, she was like, "Hey, you know, how'd it go? Like, what's it for?" And I told her, I explained to her, like, what these benefits were, you know, and she was just like, "Oh, wow, so, like, this is just play money for you." And I was like, "Yeah, but this is important." [00:21:48] Hector: So not a lot of people, from what I've experienced, have that fortitude to, like, stick up for themselves. [00:21:55] Elena: Okay. [00:21:56] Hector: Because of the fear of getting fired and, you know. I wasn't worried about getting fired. Like, again, I can sit at home and not do anything. [00:22:05] Elena: Do you perceive that a man who has been a Marine, th- this is connected, but a little different- [00:22:11] Hector: Mm [00:22:11] Elena: will proceed in life with an attitude of, "I don't have anything else to lose," after, you know? [00:22:17] Hector: I think that they sh- I mean, I don't see that because, yeah, that's, that's, that's kinda like my mentality. [00:22:22] Elena: Mm-hmm. [00:22:23] Hector: Like, I don't have anything to lose. I've done everything that I could. I've done what I wanted to. Um, you know, I, I, I retired from a career that not too many people- [00:22:33] Elena: Have the luxury of doing [00:22:35] Hector: have done. I wouldn't say it's a luxury, but yeah, you know, it's like... And, like, up to this point, you know, like I tell, you know me and my friends talk about it all the time. It's like, you know, up to this point, like, everything that I have home, car, you know, whatever. Everything that I have at this point- [00:22:51] Elena: Every PlayStation. Mm-hmm ... [00:22:52] Hector: it's, you know, I, I think it's well deserved because of what I did, and nobody can take, nobody can take that away from me. [00:23:00] Elena: Uh, Hector, when somebody comes to you and is aware that you're a Marine, and you hear the words before or now, "Thank you for your service," what does that make in your heart? [00:23:13] Hector: See, that's funny too, because, like, I feel awkward when, when people say that. [00:23:20] Elena: Mm-hmm. [00:23:20] Hector: It's like when it's your birthday and you're sitting there, and there's, like, people around you and they're singing Happy Birthday. You just sit there, like, you know, looking around. Like, it's kind of like how I feel sometimes. And I, I, I'm, I'm... I don't think I'm... I speak for myself, but I could probably assure you that it's probably a couple of guys that just feel awkward when people do thank you for your service. [00:23:41] Hector: 'Cause it's just like, you know, how do you respond to that? And then it's just like, you know, it's like a running, you know, whatever. It's like, "Oh, you know, I do it for you." [00:23:48] Elena: You know, it's funny you said that because that was the first thing I was gonna say in this interview. Yeah. And I'm thinking maybe I'm gonna ask him before. [00:23:54] Hector: Yeah. You know, man, I'm not saying not to, you know, but it's- But- ... you know, it's just, it's just, to me, it's just- [00:24:00] Elena: And let me tell you what you did. You did is, in case when you're wondering, when it's awkward, and when it's weird, and I think I speak for me and some many individuals- [00:24:10] Hector: Mm-hmm ... [00:24:10] Elena: who think like me. [00:24:11] Elena: What you did is you, um, you had no hesitation in taking yourself and risking everything you have, which means your life, for the safety of your nation. Yeah. That's what you did. So, mm, maybe some people really are grateful for that. [00:24:29] Hector: Oh, no. I, I 100% believe that there are. Like- [00:24:32] Elena: That's not a small thing. I have- [00:24:34] Hector: Yeah [00:24:34] Elena: never done anything like that. Neither will attempt to do that any time in the... I just work with one individual at a time. [00:24:40] Hector: Yeah. Right? [00:24:41] Elena: Yeah. So, but, uh, seriously, what you've done is definitely inspiring and relisted so many times. But let's go back to, um... Uh, were you married already when you, uh... No, you were 17. [00:24:56] Elena: You weren't married. Yeah. So when you enlisted the second time, the four years, were you already in- married at that time? [00:25:03] Hector: No, I wasn't married. Uh, so I re-enlisted 2001. Um, got home 2002, like summer of 2002, and I, I, I ended up getting orders down here to Camp Pendleton. So, um- [00:25:18] Elena: If you right now, today, had the opportunity to speak with, um, 17, 18, 20, 20-year-old Hector, what words of wisdom will you use? [00:25:38] Hector: Eh, so the, like, I kind of say that a lot, like this a lot and, you know, I ended up going on another podcast with a former recruit of mine, and he asked me the same thing, and it was like, you know, like, I heard it from, from one guy, and it was like, "You know what? Like if, just be a good dude." Just be a good dude. Doing that. [00:25:59] Elena: How do you manage, again, a luxury to being in the service for so many years and retiring and coming back home still in one piece? What do you do different? [00:26:11] Hector: What I do different from? [00:26:13] Elena: Uh, from other individuals. [00:26:15] Hector: I mean, I j- I, I don't think I do anything else different. Like, and I just literally, like wake up, keep, I keep my... you know, a big thing for me is I keep a routine. [00:26:26] Elena: Okay. [00:26:26] Hector: A routine. Same routine. Like, it, it, it does help me. And for someone like in my position like me, you're keeping that routine and just keeping myself busy. [00:26:38] Elena: You know, it's funny you said that. I think, um, I might, you might not have a conversation with me before in the stock market- [00:26:45] Hector: Mm-hmm [00:26:45] Elena: which has nothing to do with marines. Yeah. You know what it's actually the best way to actually make money? Keeping a routine. [00:26:55] Hector: Yeah. [00:26:56] Elena: Because when you l- when you get out of the routine, you, even if you win, you're gonna quickly lose because you got out of the routine. Yeah. The routine, it starts here in the mind. [00:27:06] Hector: Yeah. [00:27:09] Elena: In the time that you went in, four years later, how'd that emotionally change for you? The way that you communicated with your loved ones, the way you communicated with yourself, the way you communicated with your friends [00:27:28] Hector: I, I think it built, um, built more confidence in the way I expressed myself. Mm. I don't express myself emotionally too much, but like, you know, like before I used to get nervous, sweaty, and you know, talking to anybody. [00:27:46] Hector: Talking to like more than five people. [00:27:48] Elena: Mm-hmm. [00:27:48] Hector: But then after, you know, being in a while and, you know, it was like I could get up and talk to a thousand people, and it just built m- it just built more confidence. I just built more confidence in, in the way I talk to anybody. [00:28:02] Elena: When you said that you don't speak emotionally a lot- [00:28:05] Hector: Mm [00:28:05] Elena: was that before and after and- or something that changed? [00:28:08] Hector: No, before I, I guess I was shy. I didn't say anything. Um, but I guess like being, you know, w- especially with, with, with the MOS that I had, the job that I had, it was like... And just being in, in the Marines general, you don't really speak em- too much about emotions. [00:28:27] Elena: Tell me- [00:28:27] Hector: 'Cause it, it was just one of- [00:28:28] Elena: Tell me a little more about it ... [00:28:29] Hector: it was just one of those things that like, you know, it's like, "Ah, nobody cares." That was one thing I, I, the whole time I was, "Nobody cares." [00:28:37] Elena: Are you expected to speak about your emotions when every time you come back, by somebody? [00:28:43] Hector: They... With everything that has gone on and, you know, with the, with the wars going on, obviously everybody gets affected differently and mentally. [00:28:53] Hector: We are encouraged to seek help. There's been so many, um, like direct- or you know, avenues that we can, that we get pointed to. Like, you know, talk to somebody, it helps. And yeah, you know, it, it, we are encouraged to do that. But as far as like, you know, like amongst ourselves, you know, like yeah, we really didn't- [00:29:15] Elena: How do you handle that? [00:29:17] Hector: Honestly, I don't know. I, I, I f- [00:29:19] Elena: You, you seek for help or you just not- [00:29:22] Hector: No, I did. I started, you know, towards the end of my retirement I, I did started seeking help and, you know, like talking to somebody and- [00:29:28] Elena: Did that help you? [00:29:29] Hector: Yes. 'Cause it, I mean, in a way yeah, 'cause it, it... Obviously when you, when you have so much built up inside, no matter what it is, and you find somebody that you can just like, it feels like the whole weight is out of you, you know? [00:29:43] Elena: Yes. [00:29:44] Hector: Like the weight off your shoulders. [00:29:45] Elena: Mm-hmm. [00:29:45] Hector: And yeah, it does, it does help. But then it's like, for me it just builds back up. You know, the weight comes back on your shoulders and, and the way that I process that now or help it, and again this is just me, it's keeping myself busy. I, I go back to that. [00:30:02] Hector: It's keeping myself busy. It keeps my mind busy and that kinda like does the same thing for me. I could talk to anybody and I'll still feel good, but it'll be just for that hour that you go to see a therapist, you know. 'Cause I was seeing a therapist for a little bit. And again, like just keeping my mind busy and it, I don't get in my head a lot, it does help because it's just like all that weight, like I said, it just, I could be doing anything, you know? [00:30:27] Hector: I'm just like, it just, I'm cool, calm, and collected. I've always been known as being cool, calm, and collected. [00:30:33] Elena: Cool. [00:30:34] Hector: You know? So- [00:30:34] Elena: Cool guy. The cool Marine. [00:30:35] Hector: Yeah, though, you know? Like- [00:30:36] Elena: Oh, that's, remember, that's what the, the first thing you thought when you were, uh- Yeah ... nine years old. Like, "Oh, that's cool." [00:30:41] Hector: Yeah, you know? So. [00:30:43] Elena: Uh, somebody asked me today, I'm doing multiple interviews today, and somebody asked me, "Tell me the truth, which one?" And I describe, you know, what everybody does. And, "T- tell me the truth. The Marine is the good-looking guy." And I think, I think that's right. I think you're, you know- [00:31:03] Elena: Yeah ... in addition that you're cool and handsome and, you know. [00:31:07] Elena: What else? What else, what else is there about you that people don't know? [00:31:12] Hector: I mean, there really isn't a lot to know. I mean, like, I mean- Just like doing nothing. I don't know, man, like I- [00:31:19] Elena: Tell me, um, how the, the, the service changed you as a dad. [00:31:24] Hector: Eh, I mean- Like- I, I don't think the service changed me. I mean, I don't- [00:31:29] Elena: How do you look at the family y- [00:31:31] Hector: Yeah, I mean, I mean- [00:31:32] Elena: Is there... pardon me. Is there anything that you perceive that you want to protect your kids more? Or is there anything that, um, brings more attention to specific way that you behave or do, how you communicate with them? [00:31:44] Hector: I mean, I, I, I think... It's funny because I like to keep my kids on their toes, kind of like, like how I grew up 22 years being on my toes. [00:31:53] Hector: They laugh about it all the time, you know, 'cause... But I mean, I don't think... And, and just in general, like- Nobody can prepare you to be a dad until minute you're holding a kid. [00:32:07] Elena: Yeah, absolutely. [00:32:07] Hector: You know, it's just like, oh, wow. It's like... But, you know, I, I do pro- I do protect them because, I mean, I personally wouldn't want them to join the military. [00:32:20] Elena: Because? [00:32:22] Hector: It's, it's just not... And, you know, I could get into debates with everybody. It's just the, the... It's kinda like the reason why I retired. I chose to retire. I mean, I did two years longer than I should have, but it just, everything started changing. The Marine Corps was going in a different direction. [00:32:41] Hector: I'm not saying in a bad direction. [00:32:42] Elena: Yeah. [00:32:42] Hector: It was just going in a different direction- Different ... in general. And, you know, it was like, when I sit, when, you know, a bunch of us that do 20, sit there and talk to all my buddies, you know. We, we, we chat. And it's like, you know, the reason that we stayed was because we like, like our friends. [00:32:59] Hector: We like doing things, you know. We call it hood rat stuff, you know, but we stayed because, you know, we enjoyed, I enjoyed being around Marines. I enjoyed deploying. I enjoyed just doing the, the, the normal things. But as you, the longer you stay in All those, like your, your s- your circle, everybody gets out. [00:33:22] Hector: Everybody starts getting out, and then you're, you're literally, as you climb the ranks, you're, you're, you catch yourself by yourself. Mm. And I think that at that point, you know, when I didn't have my friends around me, I realized, like, I got my family. [00:33:35] Elena: Okay. This is very interesting bear... and because I think what I heard you saying, and, and tell me if I'm wrong, is part of the, the what changed is that I have a group that I, that got my back and that I- Yeah [00:33:47] Elena: trusted. But they start little by little- [00:33:49] Hector: Getting out- Yeah ... and retiring, and, you know, it's like I, I don't, I'm not gonna say that I put my family on the back burner- [00:33:55] Elena: Yeah ... [00:33:55] Hector: you know, but- [00:33:56] Elena: But it... No, but it's the other thing ... [00:33:57] Hector: but I, but I can't... But see, that was the thing that I kind of did because- [00:34:00] Elena: It's a job, right, after all [00:34:02] Hector: it's, it's a job. It's not a normal job, but I kinda did in a way. I started... You know, all this I started seeing this afterwards. [00:34:07] Elena: Mm-hmm. [00:34:07] Hector: Because the longer I stayed in, you know, I'm not only gone seven months out of the year when I deployed. [00:34:14] Elena: Mm-hmm. [00:34:14] Hector: It was, you know, I was out training months, weeks, you know, at a time, so I wasn't home a lot. [00:34:20] Elena: How difficult is to manage your, you know, um, the relationship, uh, back home when you're not there, and then you're there, and you're there, and you're take leadership when you come back? How did they manage to, to adjust to that, and you? [00:34:36] Hector: Well, I think the, the good thing is that, like, while, like, while I was in, my kids were young. [00:34:41] Elena: Mm-hmm. [00:34:41] Hector: So they didn't really know You know, they just saw, you know, they, they, they would just see that I was gone. And I would call, you know, obviously do what I can to call whenever I, you know. They were young. They didn't really understand. They were like, "Oh, my dad's a Marine," you know? [00:34:54] Elena: Did they ever tell you, "I miss you, Dad," or- [00:34:56] Hector: Oh, yeah, all the time. You know, "Oh, when are you gonna be home?" Or, you know, "Are you still bang, bang, bang?" And I'm like, "Yeah, you know." [00:35:02] Elena: When you were there in the field- [00:35:04] Hector: Mm ... [00:35:04] Elena: what were you hoping for your family? I mean, communication or what were you really wanting to make sure that was done back home? [00:35:14] Hector: Oh, I mean, like, just that everything was taken care of, you know? [00:35:17] Hector: I mean, everything was being taken care of. So I didn't really have too much worry, 'cause even till now, you know, we have my parents. We had her parents. [00:35:26] Elena: They're very- They're, they're- They're very involved with the- [00:35:27] Hector: It was always... Family was always there to help out, so I knew that they were in good hands. You know, my sister, you know, her husband, Doug, they were... They would pick up the girls and- [00:35:38] Elena: Your mother had hard time to, uh, see you enlisted in the first time. Who was the individual supporting you with your decision? [00:35:46] Hector: Well, they, they, they, they supported me. I mean, they, they supported me 100%. [00:35:49] Elena: But who was the primary one? Who was the one who was the biggest supporter of you? [00:35:53] Hector: I think, I think both of them. Like, my mom and my dad. I think both of them, you know. And, uh... And it wa- it's funny because you say that because it wasn't until, like, years later... Like, my mom did not, I mean, obviously didn't want me to go. And then it was... [00:36:04] Hector: It, it came out to, like, it was one of those things where, like, they didn't wanna be the parents that said no and I didn't do it. [00:36:11] Elena: Mm-hmm. [00:36:12] Hector: And either me- [00:36:12] Elena: Stop you ... [00:36:12] Hector: just go without their consent or- Yeah ... resent them. [00:36:16] Elena: Oh, yeah. Great. [00:36:17] Hector: So, you know, I mean, and- [00:36:18] Elena: That was your decision ... [00:36:19] Hector: and, you know, and it was... And, and, you know, and that's, that's cool, you know? [00:36:23] Elena: Um, from the time when, that you were in the service, the first time that one of your colleagues or... Not sure what is the right word [00:36:33] Hector: Yeah ... [00:36:33] Elena: got injured or killed, did something change in you? [00:36:40] Hector: Oh, yeah. It was that, it was that, uh, that first, in 2001, when it was a, a buddy had stepped on a, a- The leg ... either way, and then finding out he, he ended up losing his leg. [00:36:50] Hector: And it was just like, "Oh, this is real." We were just together in DC, you know, doing ceremonies, doing that, and then we heard it, and then it turned out that it was another buddy of ours that was in that group that just... You know, he took shrapnel to the back, and it kind of was like it was an eye-opener. It was just like, "This is real." [00:37:08] Elena: Have you heard of any colleague who comes home and s- uh, committed suicidal? [00:37:13] Hector: I have a lot of them. [00:37:14] Elena: What do you think is happening? [00:37:16] Hector: I don't, I, I don't know. Nobody... I can't answer. I don't know if anybody can answer it because when it comes to those, you know, my, like, when I say those guys, like, my buddies that, that, that have done that- There's no signs [00:37:30] Elena: At all? [00:37:31] Hector: There's no signs because, you know, I could recall a few of them. They were, you know, get messages, texts on, you know, it's like, "Hey, I'm gonna be in California, you know, in a month." And then I was, "Hey, sh, you got a room to crash? Let me know." And then a few weeks later, it's like you get the news and it's like, what happened? There's like, dude, what, like, you know, y- it's, you're in disbelief, you know? [00:37:50] Elena: Did I never, ever cross your mind? [00:37:52] Hector: No. And I think that's one of the things 'cause, you know, it's like you see... When you hear that happens and you see What it does to families. I'm like, I can't, I can't put the burden for a selfish de- And I, and I see it. It's a selfish decision- [00:38:12] Elena: I appreciate you saying that ... [00:38:14] Hector: and, and put the burden on your family. [00:38:17] Elena: So I just interview a doctor whose brother committed su- suicidal, and what he said, the way he ex- uh, define it is they don't have... Whatever pain, I assume it's pain. Yeah. They don't have the pain anymore, but the pain goes and is spread around. [00:38:32] Hector: Yeah, it- it's passed on to, to the family. [00:38:35] Elena: If you have, um, the opportunity right now to have a conversation and one of your colleagues that you know or don't, but you know what they go through, and is listening right now, what would you say to that person? [00:38:50] Hector: If they wa- [00:38:51] Elena: Desperately is ready to do that. He's gonna do it. But what would you say to him? [00:38:57] Hector: Like, literally I'd just be like, "You know, what the fuck?" Like, no way. You know? Like, you have- many of us that are, like, there to help you through everything. You know, we were there through all those times, all, all those bad times you've got. And every single one of them had family, had kids. [00:39:17] Hector: You know, it's like, "Dude, you gotta think of them." That's what I do. I sit there and I think about my kids, and it's like- [00:39:23] Elena: Well, because they don't do emo- You s- you said that, well, they're there. Nobody cares about your emotions, right? [00:39:29] Hector: Yeah, yeah. [00:39:30] Elena: Do you perceive that when they come back they still have that feel, uh, feel? [00:39:33] Hector: And see, that's the thing. I don't know. Because, you know, like I said, yeah, when we're there, you know, it was always, oh, nobody cares. Nobody cares. [00:39:38] Elena: What makes you think nobody cares? [00:39:40] Hector: It's just because e- e- it's said. E- you know, they tell us that. We don't care. I caught myself doing that, but then in the end, it's like, "Hey, dude," like, "you need help." Or, you know- [00:39:49] Elena: Okay ... it's- so this is something, like, you know, like... And what they said that is, like, be strong. Like, we're not here. [00:39:54] Hector: Yeah, you know, it's like- [00:39:55] Elena: But at the same time, "Hey, but we're, I'm here if you need me." [00:39:58] Hector: And it doesn't happen a lot, so- [00:40:00] Elena: Okay ... [00:40:01] Hector: I could say it doesn't happen a lot. There's only a few that, like, actually are like, "Hey, dude, if you need help, let me know." [00:40:06] Hector: You know? And that's, and that's the thing. It's like, yeah, while, while we're in we hear that a lot. Nobody cares. Nobody cares. But in the end, you know, we're, we're calling each other and like, "Hey, dude, you good?" You know? [00:40:17] Elena: Would you be able to share, um, time that it was really difficult for you to process something that happened? [00:40:23] Hector: With? [00:40:24] Elena: During that time, either with a colleague or an event or something. [00:40:28] Hector: Like, while I was in? [00:40:29] Elena: Yeah. [00:40:30] Hector: I mean, getting hurt. [00:40:33] Elena: Possibly. [00:40:33] Hector: Yeah, you know, like, uh, it was on our, on our deployment in 2014. Uh, a buddy of mine, we were, we met while we were drone instructors down in San Diego. And, um, we ended up going to the same unit in Twentynine Palms. [00:40:49] Elena: Mm-hmm. [00:40:49] Hector: Chose it by... I saw him. "Oh, I'm going here," and I'm like, "Okay, cool." And when I got put in the CSO where I wanted to go, like, you know, I was getting under the hot seat, and the first number that came up was that unit. And I was like, oh, you know, one-seven. I was like, "All right, cool. I'm g- I guess I'm going." [00:41:05] Hector: So we, we became pretty good friends. And, um, we got to, to the unit. He went to one company. I went to another. We deployed. I saw him out there. He wasn't, you know... Whatever with his, with his company was going on. And when we got back, it was, we needed another platoon sergeant. So I was like, "Hey," you know, to my first sergeant. [00:41:25] Hector: I was, "Hey, my buddy, you know, he's a..." He's like, "All right, we'll bring him over." So we brought him over, and we trained. We did all that. And usually, like, when we went, we went on missions, I would always go with him. Not to look after him, but just, you know, he was my boy, you know? Like, so we went, and then it was about- Yeah, three weeks before we were due to come back, I was supposed to go on his helicopter. [00:41:48] Hector: I got bumped off because of something I can't remember, and it was, "Ah, when we land, you just go with him." You know, I was like, "Cool, whatever." And so it was probably like two hours after he landed, like he stepped on an IED. He lost both, he ended up losing both of his legs. And so when I heard it, I was just like, I was like, "No way." [00:42:04] Hector: I, I, it, it was just weird. It was like When, when, when we heard the explosion, something hit me. Like- [00:42:11] Elena: You actually heard the explosion? [00:42:12] Hector: Yeah. Yeah, he w- he w- they weren't that far. And it was just like, you know, we both stopped and we're like... And then I hear the radio, and I hear, you know... When I heard a squad leader talking, I was like, "Why isn't he passing the information?" [00:42:26] Hector: And then it dawned on me, like, he's a casualty. And so then when I, uh, we were out there, and I was just like... And then my buddy gave me the signal that like, yeah, he, he lost, you know. I was just like... And the first thing I thought about was his wife and kid. And so when we... He got medevaced. About maybe an hour after everything cleared out, we all joined up in the compound. [00:42:51] Hector: And I was just like, you know, looking around, looking for him, you know, and he wasn't there. And I was just like, it was confirmed, you know. I was just like, I'm like, "Oh, man." And so then my first sergeant saw me, he came up to me. He's like, "Hey, man, he's alive. That's all that matters." And I was like- [00:43:06] Elena: Mm-hmm ... [00:43:06] Hector: you know, so that, that kind of like hit me. [00:43:07] Hector: It's still, you know, he lives right here in San Diego. He's actually doing great, you know. And, and yeah, that, that one, that one's still kind of like, at that moment, yeah, I kind of like... 'Cause it was just like, I've had friends, same thing, like killed, but I was never in those units. Yeah. But when it happens in your unit, and it's your boy, and it's your buddy, and it's like a guy that you trained with. [00:43:31] Hector: And it was like, yeah, it's, it's a little bit, you know, it's a little, it's, it's, it's closer to home. But you know, and like now it's, you know, that was 2014. Now, you know, he's doing great. His kids are growing. His, his, his son and my son are like, you know, good friends, you know. [00:43:48] Elena: What makes you feel when you're just in your regular life and suddenly you meet another Marine? [00:43:55] Hector: Oh, when, when we see another Marine or you see another Marine wearing an eagle and anchor, you know, it's like, "Hey," you know? Like and first thing is all what unit, what rank. [00:44:05] Elena: Mm-hmm. [00:44:05] Hector: You know? It's, it's like, yeah, it's, that's... I hate to use the word term, but it's almost like a little brotherhood kind of, you know? Like- [00:44:11] Elena: It is. Yeah. You know? No, it definitely, you... It... So the number one thing that, um, helps men to create a bond is when they work together on something. So this is definitely probably one of the strongest bonds that you can create. [00:44:27] Hector: Oh, no, it is, you know? And, and, and even though like whether it's an 80-year-old Marine or, you know, a kid that just graduated boot camp, you know, it's like when you see that eagle and anchor, and it's like the one thing that like, that ties everybody together is that we went through crap- Mm for three months. [00:44:43] Elena: Yeah. Yeah. [00:44:45] Hector: You know? And it's just like, and then the, and it turned out even funnier when- I was one of those guys that put kids in boot camp, you know, made them Marines. And it's like- [00:44:52] Elena: That's true ... [00:44:53] Hector: you know, so it's always... It's like a little bond that you get, you know? And- [00:44:56] Hector: Of course ... and you don't really see that with the other services. [00:45:00] Elena: Mm-hmm. Okay. [00:45:01] Hector: You know? So that kinda, like, separates us, you know? It's like- [00:45:03] Elena: Okay ... [00:45:04] Hector: it's like a different bond that we have with each other. I see. You know? It's like, it... In the end, you know, it doesn't m- there's many MOSs. This is, like, your job, you know? You could be infantry. You could be motor T, whatever it is. [00:45:15] Hector: But when, you know, you're a Marine and you see another Marine, you just go there and start, you know, grunting at each other, and- You know, it's, uh... And you don't really see that. You know, you go, "Hey, shipmate," or, "Hey, hooah." You know, it's like, it's always like, you know, you'll catch us just grunting at each other, and it's just like... [00:45:31] Hector: People look at us like, "What the hell are you guys doing?" It's like, "You guys are dumb." I'm like... That's what my daughter says, you know? [00:45:37] Elena: What is... Yeah. Well, they're teenagers at one point, right? [00:45:39] Hector: Yeah, yeah. They don't even know. They don't know. [00:45:40] Elena: You have beautiful daughters, by the way. Um, in your perception, what is the biggest misunderstanding or myth that a lot of individuals have about the Marines that is incorrect? [00:45:51] Hector: They call everybody baby killers. They call us this. They say we beat our wives. They say, you know, we're in- emotionally uns- all these... Like, it's, it's not true, you know? We're... The way that I see it, you know, we're, we're normal people. We're normal dudes that just sign up to do a job that not, not too many people do. [00:46:10] Elena: I, I love what you just said. Yeah. That's, that's inspiring right there. And yeah, I wasn't really aware that they say all these things probably. [00:46:17] Hector: Oh, yeah. You know, I mean- [00:46:18] Elena: I haven't heard that, but, um- ... [00:46:19] Hector: yeah, if you look it up, you know, Vietnam, it was like the war everybody was against. And anybody that went over there, it was, "Oh, baby killer, ba..." [00:46:27] Hector: And it's like, even, even till now, you know, like, "Oh, you guys just get drunk and..." You know? Yeah. Who doesn't do that, though? You know, we drink a lot, yes. We were born in a... The Marine was established in a bar, yes. Do we... Yeah. But you know what? It's like, it's more to it than just that. [00:46:42] Elena: In what way you're just like anybody else? [00:46:45] Hector: I think I am just like anybody else. [00:46:47] Elena: I love that. [00:46:49] Hector: I think I am, you know? [00:46:50] Elena: That's what you just said. I was just wondering, like, what you mean by that. [00:46:52] Hector: Yeah. Well, yeah. I mean, it's like... You know what I mean? I go out. You know, it's funny because, like, with my... With both of my daughters, they, they, they, "Oh, you, you, you s- you're scary to my friends." [00:47:05] Hector: I'm like, "What do I do?" Like, I'm just, you know, like, all the- [00:47:09] Elena: Existing ... [00:47:09] Hector: you, you act macho." I'm like, "How do I act macho?" [00:47:13] Elena: Do you act macho? [00:47:13] Hector: I'm like, "How do I just walk and..." You know? And they're like... Oh, and then, you know, it's like, "Okay. How... What do I do?" Like, I don't know what you do. You j- I'm like... And then, you know, they- [00:47:20] Elena: tell, tell me, Hector. What do you do? [00:47:22] Hector: I don't. I don't anything. And, and, you know, but this is the thing, too. Like- [00:47:24] Elena: Do you like... [00:47:26] Hector: No. Not e- you know- [00:47:27] Elena: Showing out ... [00:47:27] Hector: not even. Uh, I think any dad does that. [00:47:30] Elena: Oh, yeah. [00:47:30] Hector: Every dad has daughter, you know, "Oh, I, I'll be cleaning my guns, you know, when the guy comes." But, you know, it's like, uh, uh, like my daughter was just telling me the other day, you know, like, I think I'm, like, the biggest, like- I can honestly say I'm like a big kid because sometimes- [00:47:42] Elena: I was gonna say that, like a big kid [00:47:43] Hector: because sometimes, you know, like I, I mess around with my kids a lot. I rough up my son, my daughter. You know, I wrestle with them, you know. I say just the most random things, and then my daughter tells me, "Oh, you know, I told my, my friends what you said," and they're like, "Oh my God, your dad's so funny." I'm like- [00:47:59] Elena: Mm-hmm [00:47:59] Hector: you see? Like everybody thinks I'm funny, but you guys don't. You think I- You don't appreciate your father ... I'm macho and this, I'm like, I don't, you know? Like... [00:48:05] Elena: So let's talk about your son because, um, this, this podcast is about, uh- Yeah ... men's health. How do you, um, communicate or the relationship with your son is different than the relationship with your daughters? [00:48:20] Hector: I have a different relationship with each one. [00:48:22] Elena: Mm-hmm. [00:48:22] Hector: Obviously there's two girls, one boy, but I have a different relationship with my older daughter, I have a different relationship with my younger daught- but with my son it is because he's a boy. Yeah. You know, he's the guy- [00:48:31] Elena: Yeah. N- not just because he's a boy, what is different with him? [00:48:36] Hector: He's, he's into baseball. I got him into baseball. He, I'm a big baseball, you know, fanatic. [00:48:41] Elena: Mm-hmm. [00:48:43] Hector: All three of them love the game. [00:48:45] Elena: Mm-hmm. [00:48:46] Hector: He plays it. [00:48:47] Elena: Yeah. [00:48:48] Hector: I tried to get my younger daughter to play it, and that was just a no-go. Yeah. She got hit in the elbow and that was game over. That was like, that was it. [00:48:57] Hector: But I think, yeah, I think that's like literally, like, I mean, it's just, yeah, it's just, uh, uh, it is different. I, I can't really pinpoint it, but it's just maybe because he's a boy, like- [00:49:06] Elena: Mm-hmm. What, why do you think- [00:49:07] Hector: I rough, I rough him up a little bit more ... [00:49:09] Elena: a little bit more? [00:49:09] Hector: You know? Not like, you know, but like yeah, you know, we always- [00:49:12] Elena: Well, well, that you know how it's important and, and thank you for saying that. [00:49:15] Elena: Actually, that's really great because boy, um, there is a need for boy to be p- um, you know, perceived to be challenged- [00:49:23] Hector: Right ... [00:49:23] Elena: in order to grow in a different way. [00:49:25] Hector: Yeah. Yeah. You know, like w- you know, like he's into baseball, he's playing travel, and you know, every time that he's out here, you know, like, go to the park, hit some baseballs. [00:49:34] Hector: And it's like, dude, you get, you, you let whatever, however many baseballs you let go through your leg, you owe me five push-ups for it. And he's just like... And but he does it, you know? He's lets 10 baseballs away, that's, you know. And he's right there in the, in the field, you know. [00:49:47] Elena: Hector, right now what defines you? [00:49:53] Hector: What defines me? I think that, like I said, I, I think I am a good dude, and I think, like, if you talk to anybody, like They can honestly tell you that I'm, I'm a good dad [00:50:07] Elena: You're a good dad. I like, look at that face. Yeah. I love that. I have so many more questions, but we only have- [00:50:15] Hector: Yeah ... [00:50:15] Elena: so much time to do this. Um, maybe if you accept another invitation, I would love to see you again and, and talk more about, you know, deeper content. Yeah, d- if that's- [00:50:28] Hector: It's only an hour and 45 minute drive. Gas $6. [00:50:31] Elena: I'll fly you in dinner or something. [00:50:34] Hector: Nah, it's cool. [00:50:34] Elena: Oh my God. [00:50:34] Hector: No, I got, I got a lot of, like- [00:50:35] Elena: We might, we might be able to come to you. I don't know. [00:50:38] Hector: Yeah. [00:50:38] Elena: Let's, I'll, I'll ask the producer. [00:50:40] Hector: Oh, yeah. No, definitely. Yeah. Like I said, [00:50:42] Elena: I- But I, I appreciate you being here. You are, uh, definitely being the first guest in the, in the new studio. [00:50:49] Hector: And that's the joys of being semi-retired. I got all the time, so. [00:50:51] Elena: That's true. What are you doing now with your life? [00:50:55] Hector: So I got connected with a guy that did my... I had a slab leak at my house two years in, and the contractor that I hired, he was a one-man show. I wasn't in a rush. I didn't have a whole first floor for, like, three months. But I just, like, sat there and looked at him. I was like, "Hey, man, you need some help?" [00:51:16] Hector: He's like, "Yeah, you know, it would, it would be great." And I'm like, "All right, cool." Cutting tile, you know, I'm putting it in and then, like, helped him fix my house. And then after all, you know, when he was done, you know, it was just like, "Hey, man, you're actually pretty good." I'm like, "Yeah, you know, I'm kind of handy." [00:51:30] Hector: He's like, "Hey, man, I'm gonna be getting some jobs. You, would you mind helping me?" And I was like, I'm like, "I got two things, dude. I don't mind doing anything. It keeps me busy. I don't mind, but I got two things." I was like, "I got school on Mondays. I gotta drive to San Diego, and then if my kids have anything sports, b- I, I, I gotta go." [00:51:48] Hector: He's like, "No issues." So got into that, and after a while he was just like, "Hey, man, you ever think about getting your contractor's license?" I was like, "Eh, you know, if I do this for a hobby, I do," you know. Plugged me into it and now I'm in the process of doing, like, getting my general contractor license and actually got a job next week. [00:52:04] Hector: And, um, and that's the thing, I got a job next week. I've been helping him out. We do things that went from, like, you know, little things to, like, actually bigger type things. So that's- [00:52:12] Elena: Mm ... [00:52:12] Hector: kind of the direction that I'm going in now. [00:52:14] Elena: Mm-hmm. [00:52:14] Hector: And, and again, it affords me the opportunity to work when I want. [00:52:18] Elena: I love that. [00:52:18] Hector: I don't need to work. But again, it's... And, and that's the other thing, too. I'm, you know, my kids complain about it. I'm very OCD and very detail-oriented, so it is one of those hidden talents that, like- [00:52:34] Elena: OCD. Tell me a little bit about that. [00:52:37] Hector: So OCD is, you know, obviously- [00:52:39] Elena: What, how did you- ... it's, uh- How do you express that? [00:52:42] Hector: It's from the way towels are folded to the way things are on my nightstand to the way certain things get done. [00:52:51] Elena: But it's not in the entire house. It's in your- [00:52:53] Hector: It's the whole house ... [00:52:53] Elena: in your space. [00:52:53] Hector: Oh, it's the whole house. [00:52:54] Elena: Oh, boy. Okay. [00:52:56] Hector: So- [00:52:56] Elena: Okay ... [00:52:56] Hector: you know, and then, and the running joke with my daughter, again, it goes back to, like, my whole thing be a cool dude- And I told you, and I, again, one of those things that I just say, I was like, "Hey, you know, OCD, you know, I'm one cool dude." [00:53:09] Elena: You are a one cool dude. [00:53:10] Hector: So that's what OCD stands for for me. [00:53:12] Elena: So I think we're gonna name this, this, uh, episode One Cool- [00:53:16] Hector: So there it is ... [00:53:17] Elena: a Cool Dude, right? [00:53:19] Hector: There it is. So, but yeah, so that's, I think that's why I, I, I, I mean, I'll say it, I think I'm pretty good at what I do because I'm just detailed and everything and- [00:53:28] Elena: Yeah, that's- [00:53:29] Hector: a perf- ... [00:53:30] Elena: the attention to detail because that's, that's- I mean- And by, by the way, that's very ma- very much a man vision, right? [00:53:36] Hector: And I'm not gonna say I'm a perfectionist, but, like, if I do something and it doesn't look right to me even though it is right, I redo it again. [00:53:43] Elena: So I'm gonna tell you something that I learned current, uh, not long ago from a beautiful human, um, Allison Armstrong. [00:53:52] Elena: Uh, she wrote The Queen's Code, and she's probably one of the biggest supporters on men, men emotional. And she says, uh, women exist to live and men exist to die. And the reason why is this, and this is kinda shocking, right? So we live in a way to grow and give life, and men live in a way to be ready to die. [00:54:16] Elena: And not just not in the work that you do. It's because we, they live to protect. They li- that's how they, we live. Very interesting. So you went really definitely be- beyond, beyond that. But Hector, I would love to invite you back whenever. And it's gonna be on a Monday, so you don't have to drive an other day of the week as well with the gas. [00:54:38] Elena: Um, who do you perceive will be a great guest for this podcast? Someone you know or someone who you don't know but is famous or someone you met or? [00:54:50] Hector: Oh, I'd have to, like, honestly think about that. But you know what? If I were to name anybody, I would probably say, like, my, my buddy that, him or his wife. [00:55:01] Elena: Okay. [00:55:01] Hector: That, um, I was with on the appointment, the one that lost his legs. I think, yeah, yeah, his wife just came on. [00:55:10] Elena: Well, I would love to- [00:55:11] Hector: I don't know ... [00:55:11] Elena: if, if they, if they- [00:55:13] Hector: They don't live far. They don't live far either, so I know she- [00:55:15] Elena: Okay. But we can always do it on- online, the other kind. Yeah, yeah. We have two types. [00:55:19] Elena: Yeah. Uh, I love the in-person. [00:55:20] Hector: I would whisper in their ear, see? I mean- [00:55:21] Elena: I love- [00:55:22] Hector: I know she, I know she likes talking. He loves talking, you know? He, uh, I don't think it'd be an issue, especially even if you're, yeah, you, he lives right here in San Marcos so. [00:55:31] Elena: Oh, okay. That's not that far. [00:55:33] Hector: Not that much gas. [00:55:34] Elena: That's not, not that far, but little bit. So are you ready for some, uh, rapid fire questions where I say- [00:55:40] Hector: For sure ... [00:55:41] Elena: one or two things and you just answer whatever comes to your- [00:55:44] Hector: I'll try them ... [00:55:45] Elena: to your OCD mind. [00:55:46] Hector: Yeah, I'll try. [00:55:49] Elena: Uh, time. [00:55:52] Hector: Management. [00:55:53] Elena: Fear. [00:55:54] Hector: Overcome it. [00:55:56] Elena: Knowledge. [00:55:59] Hector: Passing it down [00:56:01] Elena: Habits [00:56:03] Hector: Consistent [00:56:04] Elena: Fulfillment [00:56:06] Hector: Enjoy it [00:56:07] Elena: Pornography [00:56:10] Hector: Pornography? [00:56:10] Elena: Mm-hmm [00:56:11] Hector: If you need it, I don't know. [00:56:13] Elena: Society. It's fine, whatever's- [00:56:15] Hector: Society. It's different [00:56:19] Elena: Connection [00:56:20] Hector: It's needed [00:56:22] Elena: Spirituality, God [00:56:31] Hector: Faith [00:56:32] Elena: Service [00:56:35] Hector: Fulfillment [00:56:37] Elena: Music [00:56:41] Hector: Music, I mean calmness [00:56:45] Elena: Values [00:56:46] Hector: Important [00:56:48] Elena: Love language [00:56:50] Hector: Very important [00:56:52] Elena: Legacy [00:56:52] Hector: Ooh, I don't know [00:56:55] Elena: Emotions [00:56:56] Hector: Express them [00:56:58] Elena: Exercise [00:57:03] Hector: Mm, exercise. The, the exercise is good. Everybody needs it [00:57:10] Elena: Men [00:57:14] Hector: Men Oh, I can't think of the word, but [00:57:19] Elena: It's fine. Honor [00:57:24] Hector: Curry [00:57:27] Elena: Health [00:57:28] Hector: Important [00:57:30] Elena: Women [00:57:31] Hector: Oh [00:57:34] Elena: Where to start? [00:57:35] Hector: Yeah, where do you start with women is- [00:57:37] Elena: Suffering [00:57:39] Hector: Sucks. [00:57:40] Elena: Social media [00:57:43] Hector: Over, I think it's overtaken everything [00:57:47] Elena: Stress [00:57:49] Hector: Stress sucks [00:57:51] Elena: Fatherhood [00:57:54] Hector: Important [00:57:55] Elena: AI [00:57:58] Hector: Weird [00:58:00] Elena: Evolution [00:58:01] Hector: Uh [00:58:03] Elena: The mind [00:58:05] Hector: Need to keep it healthy [00:58:06] Elena: Happiness [00:58:07] Hector: Important [00:58:08] Elena: Gratitude [00:58:10] Hector: Important [00:58:11] Elena: Authority [00:58:15] Hector: Masculine [00:58:17] Elena: Leadership [00:58:18] Hector: Important [00:58:20] Elena: Parents [00:58:21] Hector: Very important [00:58:22] Elena: Authenticity [00:58:24] Hector: Important [00:58:25] Elena: Food. Food [00:58:27] Hector: If you eat healthy, it's important [00:58:30] Elena: Identity [00:58:32] Hector: Be true [00:58:33] Elena: Husband [00:58:37] Hector: Husband? [00:58:38] Elena: Mm-hmm [00:58:45] Hector: The head of the household [00:58:47] Elena: Wife [00:58:49] Hector: Homemaker [00:58:51] Elena: Empowerment [00:58:57] Hector: Can be abused [00:58:59] Elena: Measure [00:59:01] Hector: Needed [00:59:02] Elena: Pain [00:59:06] Hector: Weakness [00:59:08] Elena: Sex [00:59:09] Hector: Important [00:59:10] Elena: Money [00:59:14] Hector: Money doesn't buy you happiness [00:59:18] Elena: Family [00:59:19] Hector: Very important [00:59:20] Elena: The body [00:59:24] Hector: Keeping it healthy is important ... [00:59:25] Elena: conversation [00:59:28] Hector: Important to communicate [00:59:31] Elena: Manhood [00:59:33] Hector: Manhood? I don't know [00:59:36] Elena: Birthright [00:59:39] Hector: Birthright? I don't know [00:59:43] Elena: Intimacy [00:59:45] Hector: It's needed [00:59:46] Elena: Wealth [00:59:48] Hector: Not a big thing for me [00:59:50] Elena: Polygamy [00:59:52] Hector: Not [00:59:53] Elena: Monogamy [00:59:57] Hector: And corner [00:59:58] Elena: Death [01:00:00] Hector: It, it, it comes with everybody. [01:00:02] Elena: Life, life [01:00:04] Hector: Enjoy it. [01:00:05] Elena: Love [01:00:07] Hector: Needed [01:00:10] Elena: Thank you for being here. Thank you for being gracious with your answers and sharing a little bit of who you are, that beautiful heart. Thank you for being a man of honor and of bravery and- [01:00:23] Hector: Thank you ... [01:00:24] Elena: and for being a cool guy. Yeah. [01:00:26] Hector: Always. [01:00:26] Elena: Hector, to close this, uh, episode, is there anything... [01:00:30] Elena: I would like, uh, I would like for you, please, to give us your wisdom. Anything that you wanna say to those listening right now? [01:00:37] Hector: I mean, it's like, like I said, like, you know, my little saying is, like, if you're just a good dude, and it can go with women, whoever, you know, like, I, I even call chicks dudes, but not in a derogatory way. [01:00:49] Hector: But I think just being a good dude, a good person, it'll get you ahead in life and [01:00:55] Hector: Good things come to you. Because if you're uptight and constantly on edge and stress, it doesn't do no good for, for anybody. [01:01:05] Elena: Mm-hmm. [01:01:06] Hector: So that's literally what I tell a lot of people, just be a good dude and- [01:01:08] Elena: Keep it cool ... [01:01:09] Hector: keep it cool and everything, you know, whatever you deserve, whatever life hands you, you deal with it or you deserve it. [01:01:15] Elena: Mm-hmm. Excellent. [01:01:17] Hector: That's pretty much it. [01:01:18] Elena: Thank you for being here. And again, I hope to see you soon again. [01:01:22] Hector: Definitely. [01:01:26] Elena: Please, every time that you see a Marine or someone from the service, just keep in mind that sometimes they feel weird. Maybe just a smile to them. And if you wanna still say thank you for your service, okay. [01:01:41] Elena: But keep in mind that sometimes that's not the best way that you can honor a man or a woman. Thank you for joining me. [01:01:49] Voiceover: And that's a wrap on today's conversation. These are the kinds of exchanges that don't happen by accident. They happen because Elena Sofia Ruiz creates the space for them. If something landed for you today, don't keep it to yourself. [01:02:03] Voiceover: Share this episode with someone who's ready for a real conversation. You'll find everything you need in the show notes. We'll see you next time on Intimate Conversations With Men.